Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[both chuckle]

So, last night was fun.

- It was really fun. - I had a really good time.

[both laugh]

Well, goodbye for real.

Yeah.

- I'm starving. - I could go for some breakfast.

Do you wanna go get something to eat?

Definitely.

- I'll just get my jacket. - Yeah.

♪ I've been waiting My whole life ♪

[camera clicks]

♪ To find someone like you ♪

The light is hitting the bacon just right and I have to share it.

You know, when you have 630 followers,

- it kinda becomes a responsibility. - You're gonna have 631 soon.

- [laughs] - If you keep taking pictures like that.

I did. I hung out by the crudité table all night,

trying to work up the courage to talk to you

because I knew you'd be back.

I kept going back to the crudité table,

trying to get you to notice me.

I noticed you the moment you walked in the door.

What's your last name?

Why? So you can Google-stalk me?

No, I just wanna know what to put in my phone.

Oh. I'm not giving you my phone number.

Mmm.

♪ Can we make this Last forever? ♪

You've made a huge mistake.

[laughing] I knew it. I felt it in my gut.

♪ Even when it's bad I love you ♪

[both speaking indistinctly]

[both laughing]

[cell phone chimes]

- Oh, shit. - What?

I forgot that I made plans with my friends today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go to your friends. It's not a big deal.

Unless you want. I could stay.

- This was fun. - Oh.

- I should go. - Do you wanna stay?

Oh... Okay.

♪ I want this To last forever ♪

What is that?

- What? - That face.

Is that your "I wanna kiss you" face?

- No. - Oh.

- Oh. Wait. Unless... - Unless what?

What does your "I wanna kiss you" face look like?

It looks a lot like this.

♪ I've been waiting My whole life ♪

- ♪ To find someone like you ♪ - ♪ Like you ♪

- ♪ Find someone like you ♪ - ♪ Like you, like you, yeah ♪

♪ I've been waiting My whole life ♪

You are unbelievable.

♪ To find someone like you ♪

♪ Find someone like you ♪

♪ Tell me, can we make it? ♪

[Jibran] You are literally unbelievable!

If I told someone, "This is what Leilani said to me,"

they'd go, "I don't believe you."

- You're not upset! - Why would I be?

Because it's fucked up.

Don't make this a whole global thing...

- I'm upset. - I thought you were kidding.

Why would I possibly be kidding about something like this?

Oh, my God!

Okay, he's up now.

You think we would win The Amazing Race!

- You don't? - You think, in a game show

about a race around the fucking world,

you and me would come out on top.

I did, but now I'm not so sure.

We can't even agree on a restaurant.

We can't agree because you have a problem

with every restaurant in New Orleans.

The restaurant capital of the world, and you can't decide.

Actually, Hong Kong is the restaurant capital of the world.

I just don't want you to embarrass yourself in front of your friends

by getting these pretty basic facts wrong.

I don't hate restaurants. I like restaurants.

You literally spent several hours yesterday writing a negative Yelp review

with your white-woman fingers

about that tapas place we went to,

- and I thought it was tasty. - It was very salty.

I didn't know I'd get mouth-fucked by the Dead Sea!

And I don't have white-woman fingers.

I've got meaty bronze.

Why are you being so loud?

Do you want the neighbors to think we're crazy?

Who cares what they think? They don't know us.

[loudly] Hi, nice to meet you! We're fighting!

No, we're not! We're rehearsing a play!

It's a fight scene.

- How's this? - It's fun.

It's fun? What do I look like, Chuck E. Cheese?

But sexy. You're like Fuck E. Cheese.

By the way, you know you can't have your cell phone on those shows, right?

You'd lose your mind.

No, I'd be liberated without that thing.

[cell phone chimes]

- I'm good. - You wanna get that?

[Leilani] ♪ Nope, I'm good! ♪

What if somebody liked something on Instagram?

- [cell phone chimes] - Tsk. Shut up. You don't know me.

It's Val. She said I look thicc.

Mmm-hmm. Another reason we wouldn't win that show,

you can't take selfies when you're half naked, eating ants off a stick.

Do you even watch the show?

Have I seen The Amazing Race?

This is literally the question you're asking me right now?

That's what I'm asking you.

Have I seen The Amazing Race?

Uh-uh.

You've spent this time judging this show

and you've never seen an episode?

I don't need to see something to know I'd hate it.

I've never been hit by a truck, but I know it'd suck!

- Wow! - I don't wanna rot my brain

watching that reality show garbage.

You make documentaries, okay?

Those are just reality shows that no one watches.

Documentaries are not reality shows. Documentaries are reality.

Okay? My work is social activism.

I don't do it for the RTs.

[Leilani] You don't have to say RTs. Just say retweets, Dad.

Can we please go?

The later we are, the longer we'll have to stay.

What's the rush? Not like we're doing anything exciting afterward.

I thought we were gonna have sex.

Oh, yeah, 'cause nothing gets me hotter

than a plan in the day to have sex at night. Whoo, freaky!

You want freaky sex? We could do freaky sex.

Just let me know what you want me to do

and I will do it to you at the designated time.

[Leilani] That is the antithesis of freaky sex! Okay?

Just schedule me in your calendar.

"Intercourse with Leilani at 10:42." Super sexy.

Okay. Freaky sex and scheduling are not mutually exclusive, okay?

You think people randomly show up

at the same time for an orgy?

No, they probably share a Google Calendar.

[Leilani] I think it's spontaneous.

One guy comes, another guy comes.

They show up and they have sex.

It's a bunch of guys there,

why wouldn't you have sex with them all?

Okay, there's a lot to parse through there,

but you're talking about a gang bang, I'm talking about an orgy.

Tomato, tomahto. And where are you getting your group sex information?

- BuzzFeed? - [Jibran] I don't know! Very specific example.

♪ Just leave me For somebody else ♪

♪ Enjoy yourself Enjoy yourself ♪

[stations changing]

So, who's gonna be at this dinner-party thing?

Um, Bobby and Reya.

Val...

I think maybe Keith, Stefan...

- Um... - Oh, you think maybe Keith?

Yeah, maybe.

As if you're not 100% sure he's gonna be there.

- I'm not sure. I'm not. - Oh, yeah?

You wanna bet? I bet he'll be there with his lame jokes

and his boring IT stories and his...

beach muscles he gets from diligent exercise and diet.

- Are you done? - Hate to burst the Keith bubble,

but all those hilarious jokes that he does?

Katt Williams. They're Katt Williams' jokes.

- You're saying that he steals his jokes from Katt Williams? - Exactly.

You remember when Keith just slipped into conversation like,

"I hate when people say, 'Nice to meet you, ' before I've ever said anything.

How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an asshole!"

That's Katt Williams, word for word.

- That doesn't sound like Katt Williams. - I'm not gonna use the voice.

To win The Amazing Race, you need to be a team,

on the same page.

I'm on one page of the book and you're reading a magazine.

I would love to be on the same page as you,

but you're always locked in your office editing that movie.

It's not a movie. This is a documentary

about corruption in the educational system.

How would I know? You won't even show it to me.

- I'll show it to you whenever you want. - Been working on it forever.

Okay, great. How about tomorrow?

I can't do it tomorrow. I'm rendering the animation.

Do you know how embarrassing it is

that you've been working on this forever?

All my friends know it, nobody's seen anything.

Why do you care what your friends think?

Because I have friends. You don't have friends

- and I always have to make excuses for you. - Ryan.

I'm saying you can do things simultaneously.

When you do an ad campaign, that's different...

Don't bring up my job. You always do this.

You brought up my job, I'm bringing up your job. Why is that...

It's not a job... Like, mine is a job. I just wanna say that.

- It's the same thing. - I go to work. You work at home.

Right, 'cause you're selling products like soap and stuff.

That's what I'm talking about. It's bodywash. I always tell you.

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend bodywash by calling it soap.

You didn't offend bodywash. You offended me.

I'm so sorry I offended you

by calling it soap and not bodywash.

Soap is a bodywash. You wash your body with soap.

It's the same thing.

Making a documentary is like...

[Leilani] Can you please stop talking and listen?

Look, I don't wanna fight

- and I'm sorry, okay? - I'm sorry too.

So when we get there, can you please be in a good mood,

'cause I don't want them to know that we've been fighting.

Oh, my God. You did a fake apology.

You saw we were, like, seven minutes away

and thought, "Oh, I should wrap this up."

You actually think that I would fake-apologize

just so you wouldn't bring your weird, cranky baby energy into the dinner party?

Yes, that's what I think and that's what I said.

I'm so fucking stupid I bought your fake apology.

I'm sorry I believed your fake apology.

I'm sorry you're such a huge child.

I'm sorry you have the capacity to be so mean to me.

I'm sorry that you make it so easy.

Well, then I guess we're both sorry.

- Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry! - Sorry!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry! - Sorry! Sorry!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry! - Sorry, sorry. Sorry!

- Sorry times a million! - Sorry.

[Leilani] Steph and George are getting married?

Did you just like that?

Yeah.

- What happened to "marriage is bullshit"? - It is.

Okay. Well, then why did you like it?

Because I didn't wanna be the only one out of our friends

to not like it. I'm not a hater.

Okay. Since the day we've met,

you've talked about how you think marriage is fucking lame.

I didn't say "lame." I said "problematic."

Right. Two people declaring their eternal love for each other.

How problematic.

I think you do want all that stuff.

Marriage and kids. You just don't want it with me.

And I think that you just want someone with no expectations,

so you can sit in that room by yourself for the rest of your life.

I think you just want a relationship

that you can brag about to your friends.

Yeah, I do! And I'm not willing to settle.

I don't wanna settle, either.

I don't wanna be with someone who's so fucking shallow.

And I don't wanna be with someone

who's so satisfied with being a failure.

- I can't do this anymore. - This isn't working.

[blinker clicking]

Are we done?

I think we've been done for a while.

[tires screech]

- [Jibran] Oh, fuck! - [Leilani] Shit!

- [Jibran] Oh, fuck. Uh... - [Leilani] Shit.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - [Jibran] Uh...

- Uh, are you okay? - [Leilani] You okay?

Oh, there's blood. Here, let me help you up.

[Leilani] You shouldn't move him.

[Jibran] Oh, right. Yeah.

- I'm gonna call 911, okay? - No, no, no!

- I'm fine. I gotta go. - You're bleeding.

- [Jibran] Are you sure? - I gotta go. I gotta go!

[gasps] Oh.

[cyclist whimpers]

[Jibran] Uh... I don't know if that's a good idea, man.

- Thank you. - I'll call 911.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait! You forgot your phone!

[Jibran] Oh, my God.

[both scream]

- I need your car! - What?

I'm a police officer and he's a criminal!

Move the fuck over! Get in the back!

Move, move, move!

Hold on.

- Where'd he go? - Huh?

- Where'd he go? - [mumbles]

- [stammers] - He went that way!

East! East! Uh, suspect headed eastbound.

What did he do? Was it drugs?

It was drugs, huh? Are you undercover?

You can't tell us if you're undercover? I get it.

At least we didn't hit a good guy, right?

It's not good that we hit someone,

but we hit a bad guy?

Yeah, who rides a bike in this part of town?

Yeah, where do you think you are, Europe?

[Jibran and Leilani laugh]

Sorry, we'll be serious.

Right there! There he goes!

[tires squealing]

[man] Off the sidewalk, asshole!

[Jibran] Turn, turn, turn!

We got him. Yes!

- [Jibran] Shit! - [car horn blaring]

Rats! Right?

If you make a left up here, you can cut him off.

Oh, good idea. Oh!

- [Jibran] Yep! - Whoo.

- There he is, over there! - Oh! Oh!

[engine accelerating]

Oh.

[Jibran] Fucking jaywalkers.

[cyclist whimpers]

- [tires screech] - [car horn blares]

Shit, he's going in circles! What an idiot!

[panting]

- [Leilani] Turn! - [Jibran] Turn!

There, there, there! Go, go, go! He turned the corner!

Go down this alley, it's a dead end!

Ho, ho, ho! Justice!

[engine accelerates]

Oh, my God!

[grunts]

[cyclist groaning]

[shifts gears]

- [cyclist whimpers] - [thudding]

[Jibran] Um...

So, do we cuff him now?

- [tires screech] - Oh, oh...

- [thud] - [tires squeal]

- [gear shifts] - Officer, could you please stop doing that?

- [thudding] - Oh, my God.

[car door closes]

I don't think he's a cop.

[police siren approaching]

[couple chattering and laughing]

[woman] Oh, my God.

[man] Hello?

[woman] I think he's fucking dead.

Oh, shit!

- [man] What the fuck? - [woman] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, what did you do?

- Oh. Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, oh... No, no, no.

This isn't what it looks like.

[Jibran] We didn't kill him.

You hit him with your car.

No! I mean, yes, I did, but...

- No, that's all. - That was a while ago.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

After I hit him, he was alive and, like, great.

Not "great." He wasn't having the best day,

- but he has been breathing since then. - He's fucking dead!

We know he's dead, but we didn't kill him.

- He just said he killed him. - No. I said I hit him with my car.

- Very different. - Clearly it worked. You killed a guy with your car!

- We hit him earlier, we were drivin'... - I was driving, we broke up,

- and I got distracted... - ...to Bobby and Reya's house.

...and I ran through a red light...

This guy with a mustache...

- We hit him earlier. - I helped him with my map,

which I admit was a mistake.

He took our car, ran over him like a dog...

[man] We need to call the cops.

Back and forth ten times

[hysterically] and I've got a dead guy's blood on me

and my car's a fucking murder weapon!

- What are you doing? - I'm calling 911.

Please don't do that. We would never hurt anyone.

I hate hurting people. I'm a documentary filmmaker.

She works at a very prestigious ad agency. They've won, like, five Clios.

We do ads and digital media. It's, like, a multi-platform thing.

Tell 'em about the awards you've won.

Marketing, and I won one for digital entrepreneurship.

You see? We're good people.

I'd like to report a murder or whatever.

We didn't murder anybody!

- Yeah, stop. - [Leilani] You stop!

Oh, my God, the police aren't gonna believe us.

Do you know how stupid we sound?

- This is a citizen's arrest. - What is that?

- It's an arrest from a citizen. - Can you do that?

- Can he do that? - On the count of three. Okay?

On the count of three, what? What is that face?

I can't read your face! Just say it.

- [under breath] On the count of three. - What?

- One, two, three, go! - What?

- [woman] The guy ran for it. - [Leilani] Jibran!

Okay, the guy's name is Jibran.

Run, Leilani!

The girl's name is Leilani.

Shit.

[woman] She's... She's running too now.

She's wearing heels that look actually amazing.

Oh, she just happens to be African-American

and he just happens to be a person of color as well.

But I don't think they're murderers

because they're minorities. I think they're murderers

[sobbing] because they just killed a guy

- and he's laying here. - Hey, guys.

It's Josh from Big Eatsy.

[woman] Are you going live without me?

I know you wanted to hear about

the new fast cash Cronut place in the Loft District,

but I got a weird one for you.

[music playing softly on speakers]

[waitress] Hey.

Are you okay?

- Nosebleeds. - It's house painting with red paint.

We were painting the kitchen blood colors?

What can I get for you guys?

Do you have alcohol?

- Two, please. - Two.

Two what?

Two alcohols, please. Thank you so much.

We don't serve alcohol.

We need to call my brother.

Why would we do that?

Because he's well-connected.

He knows all the best lawyers.

Right, 'cause Devon knows everybody.

What does that mean?

He said he knew Klay Thompson.

- He does know Klay Thompson. - He does not know Klay Thompson.

- He showed me the photos. - That was a meet-and-greet.

There was a whole line, okay?

He was wearing a Klay Thompson jersey.

Friends don't wear their friends' jerseys.

You brought him up.

We have to go to the police.

Us? You and me?

How do you think that's gonna go?

- It's the best bad idea. - No, it's not.

They're gonna arrest us in two seconds.

Maybe we just tell them the truth.

Do you think the police care about the truth?

You think they'll give us the benefit of the doubt?

- But what else? - Jibran, the truth sounds crazy.

What are you gonna say to them?

"Hello, Officer.

We are turning ourselves in for now,

because we have nothing to hide."

"Then why'd you run from the scene of the crime?"

"Good question, Officer.

That's why you're good at your job.

It's because we looked guilty.

Which was scary for us, because we are not guilty.

So, in a way, us running only proves that we are..."

"That's me covering up my bodycam,

[whispers] so I can beat your ass, you fucking liar."

- Okay. Okay. Done? - Nope.

That was me throwing the book at you.

You know there's no real actual book, right?

[whispering] "So you left a man dead in the street?"

- "We did not leave him dead." - "And didn't call the police?"

"Because there was no time, because we had to..."

"Brown man, you sound crazy."

- "Don't say that." - "You look like a murderer to me."

- "Don't say that." - "Look at your murderous beard

and your murderous brow."

You said you liked the beard.

Your beard looks like murder.

[cell phone vibrating]

- [Jibran] Don't. - [Leilani] Hello?

Leilani, where the fuck are you guys?

[Leilani] I'm sorry. We bumped into a friend.

- And... - Still at home.

...we were going back and forth with him several times.

Can you tell them to grab some wine? There's no white for Evonne.

Hey, can you pick up a bottle of pinot? Grigio, not noir.

You know what Evonne's like when she drinks tequila.

[Leilani] Sure, we'll bring a bottle over.

Great. See you in a bit.

- What's going on? - They're acting weird.

Oh, my God. Babe, what if they got engaged?

How you know it's nice to meet me?

- What if I'm an asshole? - [all laugh]

[Evonne] You're hilarious.

- Bobby wanted... - They want us to bring a bottle over to dinner.

Fine. Probably pick up a pinot on the way to prison.

This silver milkshake container is such a thing, you know?

They're always like, "We made too much,

so here's the extra and the container that we made it in."

They can't just measure it out?

Huh? [chuckles]

They don't do that with other stuff.

They're not like, "Well, here's spaghetti

and here's some more spaghetti on the side.

We made too much for the spaghetti plate.

Here's soup.

We didn't wanna measure it out early on,

and here we are."

[chuckling] Like, what the fuck?

- It's crazy. - It's so crazy.

Not the extra milkshake container.

[cell phone vibrating]

[woman on phone] Is this Leilani Brooks?

Who is this?

This is Detective Mary Martin of the New Orleans PD.

Hi, Detective.

Have you driven your vehicle at any time today?

No, not-not today. Mm-mmm.

- Can I ask where you are now? - [whispers] She's asking where I am now.

- [whispers] Hang up. - Home.

I'm home. Just chilling.

Are you saying that your vehicle is at home as well?

- [whispers] Hang up. - Yes!

If I just go to my window right now, I should see...

Oh, my God.

Honey, wasn't our car parked outside?

This is crazy, Detective.

I must have left the keys in the ignition.

Can I get you two anything else?

[Detective Martin] Is that a waitress?

Ma'am, where are you right now?

- Okay. I'll get your check. - [Leilani] Thank you.

One question. What the fuck?

- I'm trying to help. - No, that was not... Oh!

- Shh. Shh! - What? You're so dramatic.

- What? What do I... What? - Shh!

[whispering] Po-po.

Po-Po?

- Po-po. - What?

- Did you just wave? - I waved at the police.

- Why would you do that? - Because I didn't want to seem suspicious.

That is Suspicion 101.

[inaudible]

We don't...

You look so shady. Stop that! Stop!

Who counts money... No one counts money like that.

Thank you.

[cop] Hey, you two.

Forgot your phone.

- [chuckles] Oh, God. - Yeah.

- We're so stupid. - Thank you. Stupid.

- Forgot my phone! - That's my phone!

- Our phone. We share a phone. - We share a phone.

- He cheats on me and I don't trust him. - Yeah.

It's not a crime though, right?

She's like, "You're breaking my heart, Jeffrey... O'Malley."

[both chuckle]

- Bye. - At ease.

We're so fucked!

[Leilani] No, we're not.

We just have to lay low

and keep a low profile until this blows over.

I don't think...

- Murders don't blow over, Lei. - Yes, they do.

If the police find the guy that they're looking for.

You and me are the guy they're looking for.

You know that song "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do"?

We're the bad boys. What are we gonna do?

Yeah, I know that song Who Let the Dogs Out.

And I'm always like, who did let the dogs out?

Are we just talking about songs that we remember?

You started it.

[cell phone chimes]

[gasps] Bicycle guy's phone bing-bonged.

It just made a bing-bong sound.

Oh, don't touch it! That's evidence!

I've been touching it the whole time.

It's his calendar. "Edie at Dragon's Den."

Wait. This Edie person obviously knows Bicycle, right?

- What? - So what if she knows who wanted to kill Bicycle?

Oh. Okay, so you're suggesting we actually go out there and solve a...

murder? That's what you're suggesting?

Kinda.

Who the fuck do you think we are? Hobbs and Shaw?

We're not even a couple. We couldn't figure out our relationship.

You think that we're gonna figure out who killed Bicycle?

We did break up, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Jibran, all we need is a name. We get Mustache's name,

we take it to the police, and then we're in the clear.

We have ten minutes to get there.

I don't think this is a good idea at all.

I know you're scared, Ji, and I'm scared, too. But...

[both laughing]

- What a sweet baby. - Aw!

Woof-woof.

Can we try Edie? See if she can help us?

Okay. But if you're wrong

and we spend the rest of our lives on death row,

I'm gonna be so pissed at you.

That's fair.

- [cell phone ringing] - [whispering] Oh, my God. It's the police.

- Don't answer it, ignore it. - Right, right, right.

Right, right.

Why do they still have the cigarette lighter?

Like, just make it a power outlet at this point, you know?

Like, who's like, "I'm operating a vehicle,

I want to introduce fire into this..."

Jibran, please. No more milkshake monologues,

- okay? - Right.

Excuse me, sir, this isn't our destination.

[man chuckling]

- Are you Leon? - [driver] Yes, sir.

- [man] Dope. - [woman giggling]

- [woman squeals] - You ordered a Lyft share.

I just have it set on that option by default.

You're amazing.

- [woman] Oh, you're amazing. - [man] But you're like amazing-amazing.

- [woman laughing] No, you are. - [man] I miss you when we're together.

Like, right this second,

I am sitting next to you and I miss you.

Aw, baby.

We're gonna go to this spot

and find this Edie person

and then see what happens.

[couple talking loudly]

How are we gonna know who Edie is?

- We go up to her and ask if... - [man] Where'd you get that tattoo?

[couple continues yelling]

[man] I love you more than I love my mom!

Shut the fuck up! Okay?

It's all kissy and huggy now,

but it all comes crashing down. Okay?

[Jibran] All right, here we go into the Dragon's Den.

[Leilani] It'll be fine. We got this.

- [laughter and chatter] - [hip-hop music playing]

It's not that bad. We just gotta find her.

Okay. Yeah.

We just act super normal, okay?

Yeah. We're normal. Just normal people.

Coming to a bar.

We should not have come here.

You say that anytime we go anywhere with people.

I was talking about the sense of impending doom

that's growing in the pit of my stomach right now!

I'm just saying. If I never made plans, we would never go anywhere.

Congratulations, you made plans and this happened.

[cell phone chimes]

- [Leilani] Okay, act normal. - [Jibran] Love dancing.

- [Leilani] Whoo! - [Jibran] Normal-people shit.

[Leilani] That has to be her.

Okay, what do we do?

We should go over there, right?

Edie?

[softly] Edie.

- [both] Edie? - [Edie shushes]

Stop talking.

Come with me.

Who are you? He sent you?

Yeah. Um... Jibran, why don't you explain?

Um... There's sort of not a good starting point.

He wants to be unprofessional and send two strangers

instead of coming himself, that's fine.

Let's just do this and be done with it.

We wanted to know if you know a guy with a mustache.

We don't know what's going on.

Know a guy with a mustache?

Okay, drop the act. It's unbecoming.

There's a way to do this that's respectable.

And this? This is not that.

[thud]

[both gasping]

Hand 'em over and this can all end.

- What? - Oh, no.

The pictures. Give me the envelope.

What pictures?

- Oh, no. - [Edie] You guys think you're the only ones

who can dig up a little dirt?

I know who your boss is.

We don't have a boss. We don't work together.

We don't know what pictures you're talking about.

I'm a documentary filmmaker, she works at an ad agency.

You remember that commercial where the guy's a nerd and then he uses this body wash

and all the girls, like, wanna fuck him?

- That was her idea! - That was my idea.

It was based on a true story. This guy was nerdy at my college,

and he would smell good and then I was like, "I like him now."

She didn't like the way a guy looked at college,

and then he smelled better and then she fucked him!

- But it's fine, and we don't know anything! - Yeah, right.

You showed up at the designated time and place of the exchange.

Yeah, because this guy's phone bing-bonged your name!

We were trying to go to our friend's party.

We have nothing to do with anything.

We just answered a bing-bong! [sobbing]

- Jibran. Mmm-mmm. - Huh?

- She's not buying it. - Oh, okay.

Let's take the guesswork out here.

You said that this gentleman's not your boss

- and you don't even know him? - No.

Why don't we just call him and see what he has to say?

- Okay. Great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, call him.

- [Edie] Mmm-hmm. - [line ringing]

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, no.

It's not what you think.

Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

- Why would we do that? - We would never do that.

If she pees down your back, she's gonna say it's pee.

You think you can fuck with a congressman

and get away with it? You got another think coming.

- Oh, no! - Oh! What the fuck?

[gasping]

Did you just tell them I'm a congressman?

- [Edie] I... - Come here. Real quick.

I'll be right back.

[whispering] What's happening? Can you get out?

[Jibran] This is fucking insane.

Take that damn mask off, Brett.

[Jibran] Are you okay?

[Brett] Well, it still doesn't seem like a good idea.

My husband. He was just about to get me my pan. Right, hon?

[Brett] I thought we agreed we weren't gonna do the pan.

You go get me my goddamn pan!

- Hey, just to clarify, we're not blackmailing anybody. - Excuse me, what is "the pan"?

[Edie] You tried to fuck us. Now you're gonna get fucked.

[Jibran] Your premise is wrong because we didn't try to fuck you.

- [Leilani] We don't wanna get fucked. - [Jibran] No.

Mmm. [clears throat]

I just love the smell of sizzling bacon, don't you?

The only problem is the grease!

Y'all ever see a bad grease burn?

It is remarkable the damage a little hot oil can do.

I'm gonna give you both a choice, okay?

All the grease in this pan,

or what's behind this door.

- What? - [Edie] I said,

bacon grease, or door.

It's up to you.

And you're first, Mr. Bing-Bong.

Take the grease.

Are you serious? It's boiling hot grease.

And she could pour the grease on my face!

Edie, may I ask a question?

Do I get to know prior to making my decision

where you'll be pouring the grease?

Um, yeah, it'll probably most definitely be your face.

Thank you.

She said probably my face.

She's obviously trying to scare you

into choosing something worse.

We're single now. I have to go out into the dating world.

How do you think I'm gonna do on Bumble?

- Scars are super sexy. - You like burn scars?

After this, I'm gonna seek out a guy with a burnt face.

You promise? I'm gonna stalk your Facebook so hard.

And if you're not with a fucking burn victim, I'm gonna be so very upset.

Thanks for reminding me to block you. I'm blocking you after this.

Let's make a decision here.

My husband and I have plans tonight.

I'll go with not the grease.

I'll go with the door.

- Jibran! - Door it is.

Tell 'em what they've won.

- No! Plant your feet! - [Jibran] I am!

[Leilani] Stop it! Leave him alone!

- [Edie] Open the door. - [Brett] Yep.

Is it gonna shit on me?

- [clicks tongue] - [horse neighs]

[Jibran screams]

- [grunts] - [gasps]

[groans]

[stifled] Take the grease.

[Edie] It's your turn, little missy.

The grease! I take the grease!

A lady who knows what she wants.

[yelps] Ow!

No, no, no! No, no, no!

[panting]

No, no, no, no, no!

Okay, let's see...

- No! - [screams]

[Brett screaming]

- [Jibran grunts] - [Edie yelps]

[Leilani] Help, help, help, help!

[Edie] Oh, God. Honey, are you all right?

- [Brett] No! - [grunts]

- [both scream] - [Jibran grunting]

- Okay? - Yeah.

[yelling]

[both grunting]

Stay back! Stay back! You stay back!

- You ready? - Yeah.

One, two, three...

- [Leilani screaming] - Where are you going?

- [screaming] They're getting away! - [Brett] Whoa, honey!

- Lift it up! I gotta get him. - Oh, my God. My arm!

Oh! Honey, no!

- [horse neighing] - [both panting]

- You okay? You okay? - Yeah. My shoe got stuck.

[indistinct]

Come on.

- [Jibran] This place gives me the creeps. - Fucking scary.

- [man on megaphone] You there! - [Jibran] Um, was that for us?

[Leilani] Oh, my God.

- Stop! - [horn honking]

We are Penworth Estate security.

Surrender yourselves immediately.

Surrender immediately. You are trespassing on Penworth Estate property.

Oh, you're lucky.

Our sovereignty ends right here.

You step up here on the estate property again,

we're gonna punish you

to the best of our abilities.

That's right, brutes.

Shit.

[horn honking]

[Leilani] What the fuck just happened?

[Jibran] I said, "One, two, three," and you ran.

[Leilani] Yeah, 'cause that's what you did in the alley.

You set a precedent. That's what I was going off of.

[Jibran] I assumed you assumed

this time it would be like, "One, two, three, attack."

[Leilani] Why would I assume that?

[Jibran] Because we had weapons? I don't know.

I never want to see a horse again in my life.

[music playing faintly]

Thank you.

What, I look stupid?

Kinda like unicorn throw-up?

No, you look...

the opposite.

Unstupid.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It just hurts a lot right where the horse kicked me.

Uh... Come with me.

[Jibran] It looks okay? Ow.

- If you could... - Sorry.

...stop tapping right where the wound is.

I'm just trying to help.

Okay.

Come on, let's do this.

[whispering] Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[groans]

I can't. I'm just gonna wear this shirt for the rest of my life.

[chuckles] No, you're not. Stand up.

Uh, raise your arms.

[groans]

Okay. One, two, three.

Can I just say this is the most batshit crazy night ever?

You've never been framed for murder

and tortured with bacon grease?

- [both chuckle] - [groans]

Really?

- It just... - Really?

- Just be so gentle. Just... - Okay, I'm sorry.

- [groans and laughs] - I didn't even touch you.

[scanner beeping]

[Jibran] I ordered us a Lyft.

[Leilani] I hope you changed your settings.

You probably don't remember this, but,

our first date,

that restaurant,

there was this couple sitting next to us,

- and they didn't talk the whole... - I remember them.

- You do? - Yeah.

They didn't say anything to each other the entire time.

You know, I think about them all the time.

'Cause I was looking at them like I never want to be that couple,

you know, that runs out of stuff to talk about.

But the more I think about them,

the more I'm like...

maybe they weren't miserable.

You know? Maybe they were just

comfortable with each other.

So my theory about Edie obviously didn't pan out.

Maybe you were right. Maybe we should just go to the cops.

I found something.

What?

The piece of paper that Edie had with Bicycle's number?

It has an address on it, too.

What? When did you get this?

[Jibran] I was thinking, maybe Mustache killed Bicycle

because of those pictures that Edie was talking about.

If we can find those pictures, figure out what they are,

maybe we can exonerate ourselves.

Mustache was clearly looking for something,

and Edie was very upset about those pictures.

- It's a clue, right? - Yeah!

I did a clue.

[both chuckle]

Should we go to that address?

You know this is actually illegal, right?

Breaking into Bicycle's house?

Are you sure?

- Are you? - Yeah.

- [car horn honks] - [Jibran] Oh, that's our guy.

[grunts]

[Jibran] Oh, shit.

Shit.

[Leilani] He knows it's us, he totally knows it's us.

[Jibran] Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Shit, he's totally onto us. He's onto us, he's onto us.

Oh, he's just a regular racist.

- Thank God. - Let's go.

- [door rattles] - [Leilani] Shit.

- What? - How are we gonna get up there?

- What? You just... - [door rattles]

Did you think it was one of those "Men Only" doors?

Sorry.

Maybe...

Maybe there's one of those catwalk things around the side...

A "catwalk"? You mean like for fashion shows?

Do you mean a fire escape? [chuckling]

Why are you making jokes? This is serious.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Break the glass. You go.

- I'm wearing heels. - You're wearing heels.

Right. The ice pick part will stab the glass...

The "ice pick part"? Do you mean the heel?

Yes, the pointy heel part of the shoe

will break the glass. It'll go through it.

No, no. Use your shoulders. Break the glass.

I just got kicked by a horse.

Can I take five minutes off from, like, bashing myself?

- Okay, I'm sorry. - Okay.

I'm just concerned the heel's just gonna snap off.

No. Not if you do it exactly perpendicular,

'cause it's a small surface area. Pressure is...

Okay. How do you know that?

MythBusters.

So you do like reality shows.

Eh, it's more of a docuseries.

- Ow! Oops. - Oh!

[Leilani] Ow!

[Jibran] I remember now. That myth got busted.

[man on TV] ...reportedly ran over the cyclist multiple times.

Two witnesses at the scene are currently being treated for emotional distress.

[Leilani whispering] I think this is it.

What if there's someone in there?

Looks empty.

Right, 'cause it's probably empty

'cause it's Bicycle's apartment and he's...

- Yeah. - ...dead.

Yeah, I was there, Jibran.

- Just try the window. - Okay.

[grunts] It's locked.

Okay, your turn to kick it.

My shoes aren't made for kicking.

Yeah, neither were mine.

In my defense, the heel on the kicking shoe didn't break off,

it was the heel on the standing...

I will throw you down this catwalk.

I shouldn't have said that.

Sorry you broke your shoes.

Thank you, they were my date shoes.

I didn't know you had date shoes.

I got 'em for you.

Can you kick this in quietly, please, since I'm barefoot?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay, here we go, here we go. [exhales sharply]

What? What are you doing? Are you knocking?

No! I just wanna pull back so I don't cut up my hand.

I make my living with these hands.

- [Jibran shuddering] - [gasps]

Shit.

[Leilani shushing]

[whispering] Help me, help me, help me.

[shushing]

- [glass crunching] - Ow.

- [objects thud] - [shushing]

- You okay? - Yes, I'm okay.

- Okay. - [shushing]

- [glass crunching] - [both shushing]

[muffled music playing]

- Wait, you hear that? - Hear what?

That.

There's, like, music happening.

- We should go in there. - What? No.

What else are we gonna do? Go back outside?

Okay, okay, okay. We're just gonna take a peek.

[music continues]

[breathing deeply]

[music gets louder]

What is...

No, dude. Shut the fuck up, okay?

I remember this shit plain as day.

You were the one that was fucking passed out.

Because I... No.

No, it was me, it was Boyd Ashley. Ashley.

And I ate that day

'cause I was in a bulking phase.

[Leilani whispering] Who are all these frat dudes?

[whispering] It's like a roofie laboratory in there.

Those must be the photos that Edie was talking about.

- [boy 1] Hey, man. - [boy 2] Leave us alone.

[Jibran] He left one of the envelopes right there.

- We gotta go get it. - Don't do it! [shushing]

All those fuckboys are in there.

I don't exactly know what that means.

- Did I use it right? - No, you didn't.

What are fuckboys?

I'm not having this conversation right now with you.

[shushing] No, no, no.

No, it's fine, they can't hear us.

The music's too loud. Watch.

- [caws] - [gasps, shushes]

We need to go in there, grab one of those envelopes,

and figure out what the fuck is goin' on.

But all the Abercrombie & Fitch people will see us.

Okay, okay, okay, we gotta, um...

We gotta come up with a plan to distract them,

pull them out of there.

I got it. You stay here.

I'm gonna go out, ring the doorbell.

- I'm gonna say, "Pizza delivery." - [door opens]

Oh, hey, wassup?

Hey, man, it's been a minute.

Who the fuck are you?

- It's her and me! - Me and him!

[Jibran] Yes!

From, uh...

- [yelling] - [boy screams]

- [cymbal crashing] - [Leilani] Oh, no.

Get him, Jibran! Fuck him up, Jibran!

- Fuck him up! Fuck him up! - I'm trying! Stop saying that!

- [music continues] - [boys chattering]

[Leilani] Tell me when you want me to jump in.

- You want me to jump in? - [choking]

This isn't Ultimate Fighting, Jibran. You can't tap out.

[both grunting]

I got you!

- You're hitting me! - You're in the way. Move!

Hey, help!

Take that!

Oh.

[panting]

[boy groaning]

- [Leilani grunts] - [groans]

Fuck!

[continues groaning]

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are we?

We're the people who want some answers, bitch!

The bigger question is, who the fuck are you?

What are you doing in my fucking room?

Um... We're here...

Ow! Why would you do that?

Yeah... Why would we do that?

That's what you wanna know.

We're asking the questions.

And the answers to our questions better be answers.

But the answers to your questions are gonna be my fists.

What?

- Ow! - First of all, motherfucker,

- who do you work for? - Yeah, motherfucker!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't pee down my back and say it's raining.

- Don't do it. Don't do it. - We don't like it.

- Nope. - 'Cause we know you're lying,

and then we have piss on our backs.

I would never do that.

Tell us what we wanna know.

Yeah. Do you know Bicycle?

Do I know Bicycle? What does that mean?

- Bicycle! Two wheels? - Handlebars?

- Sometimes there's a basket. - And sometimes there's spokes.

Yeah, ET rode one and flew in it, bitch!

I know what a bicycle is. Do you mean Tom?

I don't know. Do we look like a bitch?

Fine. I work for Tom. Uh, Tom rides a bicycle.

He's like a weird environmentalist.

Is environmentalism weird

or is it absolutely necessary?

I recycle everything!

Yeah. Sometimes she'll try and recycle

eggshells and banana peels,

and I'll be like, "That's more compost."

Okay, focus back on me, little Brett Kavanaugh.

What do you do for Tom?

[boy] Uh... Uh... I'm not supposed to say.

Shut the fuck up and talk, Chug-A-Lug Chuck!

How am I supposed to shut up and talk at the same time?

- That's impossible! - Figure that shit out!

- [Jibran] Figure it out. - Please, all we do is, we stuff these envelopes.

And then we have to deliver them

- to these rich people. - What rich people?

I don't... I don't know, okay?

Uh, he works at this, like, uh, club.

And these people are... These people are dangerous, okay?

You don't want to fuck with these people, okay?

Ow! I have been 100% cooperating!

I don't like your tone, Date Rape McGee.

[bottle clinks]

- [panting] - [music continues]

So tell us where the fuck this club is.

I don't know. Because they don't tell us.

They said the less that we know, the better, okay?

They only contact him on his phone.

Oh, fuck, Jesus! Please help, help, please!

Intruders, intruders! Help!

- Oh! - [Mustache] Hi, Steve.

- [Steve] Please, don't... - [silenced gunshot]

[whispering] We gotta get out of here. Come on, this way.

[music continues]

♪ I been getting mail From the Grammy office ♪

♪ Like high-school recruits Get handed offers ♪

♪ And rap like a bitch With a million followers ♪

♪ You give your soul up If she swallow ya ♪

♪ Y'all pay to get The candy off her ♪

♪ I Pirate Bay The panties off her ♪

♪ I'm from where You talk that shit ♪

♪ You're probably gonna die Raleigh ♪

♪ Off New Bern Ave You could get fronts ♪

♪ And get fish and fries Raleigh ♪

♪ Go get your money ♪

♪ Don't give a fuck 'Bout getting fly ♪

♪ I do better By the end of day Right ♪

♪ Just like a sinner saved Right ♪

- [cell phone vibrating] - Shit.

- [cell phone beeps] - Hello?

Yeah. I took care of the problem.

Yeah, he's quod mortem.

Mmm-hmm.

I understand.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll make sure it goes smoothly tonight.

You have nothing to worry about, okay?

Hang on a second.

[music continues]

[Leilani gasping]

Go, go, go, go, go.

[music stops]

[Mustache] I can hear you better now. Go ahead.

[ladder creaking]

[chattering]

I just saw two people get murdered.

Until yesterday, I had seen zero people get murdered.

That could've easily been us.

Oh, my God, there's blood on my knuckles.

I left my DNA at the crime scene.

Shit, I left my fingerprints on Date Rape's face.

And now I feel really bad for calling him Date Rape.

The police are gonna think we killed him, too.

They're gonna think we're, like, serial killers.

We gotta figure this shit out.

Open it. Open it.

What is this?

What is this?

"Dear Mrs. Burrows, There are many. We know you are one."

What else? What else?

That... That's it.

- This is like The Amazing Race, but with dead people. - Wait.

We have to get into Bicycle's phone.

He said this is how they contact him.

I'm gonna start guessing passwords. Important dates.

1-4-9-2. Nope.

- 1-7-7-6. Nope. - Ugh.

What, are you gonna guess every impressive date in history? Stop.

Right. He was a bicycle fan.

What was the year that Lance Armstrong

won his first Tour de France?

- 1-9... - Stop, stop, stop.

You're gonna lock us out of the phone

and we'll literally have nothing else.

Okay.

I know who can get us into the phone.

Who?

Keith.

- Keith? - He's our IT guy, okay?

- Oh, really? - And he's a genius at this type of stuff.

Oh, he's a genius? Wow!

You guys are so lucky to have a genius

working at your office as the IT guy.

I'm not trying to hype him up.

But if anybody can do it, he can do it.

Errol Morris is a genius. J.K. Rowling is a genius.

You could even say Lil Wayne is a genius.

But Keith? Fucking Keith?

What is your deal with him? Why are you so...

I don't like the way he looks at you.

He doesn't look at me like anything.

Well, then...

I don't like the way you look at him.

Look, do you wanna get into this phone or not?

'Cause this could be our only chance.

All right. We're gonna go in for five minutes,

get the phone unlocked, and we are leaving.

No, wait. We can't just go in there

and ask Keith to hack into a random phone.

'Cause he's really ethical about this kind of stuff.

Oh, he's really ethical, but he's okay stealing comedy?

This guy's a real question mark.

Help me come up with something believable.

- [music playing softly] - [Bobby] Everyone!

Look who finally showed up.

- About fucking time! Hey. - [all greeting]

Sorry we're so late.

- Oh, hey, Keith is here. - Hi.

Oh, my God, this all looks so good.

Reya, you have outdone yourself!

- Oh, my God! What is this? - Mmm!

- Red pepper. - "Red pepper"? That's how you say it?

- "Pepper." Oh. - Oh. Where do you get this?

Uh, the supermarket.

- [Leilani] Nuh-uh! - [Jibran] What?

Did you try this, guys?

- It's good. - [Leilani] Oh, my God.

That is to die for!

These are some of the best... things we've had.

- [Leilani] It's so fresh! - So these are red, there's green ones.

- What other pepper colors do you got? - There's also yellow.

I wasn't asking you, Keith. I was asking Reya.

Are you guys okay?

- Us? - So good.

- Fucking great. - A-OK. One hundred.

But you're almost five hours late.

And what the fuck are you wearing?

What the fuck am I wearing?

What the fuck are you wearing, dude?

Turtleneck.

Is that blood on your face?

And it's a big disgrace.

Is there anything you wanna tell us? Like, anything at all?

We actually do have some news. Um...

- Jibran, tell them. - We box now.

You're engaged.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

- We just all assumed that you guys... - No.

No, no, no, that was perfectly logical.

It makes so much sense and it's a way better reason.

So, you said you box now?

Yeah. It's sort of our passion at this point in time.

We actually just took a class before we came here.

And Jibran boxed outside of his weight class.

It was incredible.

I'm what they call a "bleeder" in the boxing biz.

They actually said I could never be a professional boxer

because of how much I bleed.

So the reason you were late was because you were boxing?

[Leilani] Yeah! [chuckles]

Uh...

Oh, my God, I have such a good idea!

Do you guys wanna see a video of Jibran getting knocked out?

- [overlapping chatter] - Yeah, definitely.

[Leilani] Pull out your phone, honey.

[Jibran] Okay.

What?

I can't remember my passcode to my phone.

Oh, my God! Do you think that

it's all the hits you took to your head while boxing?

- Is it a new passcode? - No, Keith, it's not a new passcode!

Good question, though.

Oh, my God! Do I have a brain... brain...

brain injury?

Call your doctor.

Yeah, I'll call Doctor...

[gasps] You don't remember his name!

His name is in the phone, but I can't get in,

- so I can't even google it! - How do...

- If only we could unlock the phone. Oh, no. - Oh, no.

- It's okay. - [both] Huh?

I can get into your phone.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

- I wanna help. - Let's do it right now!

[scoffs] This thing's a wreck. You need a new phone, man.

You need a new phone.

- What? - What?

You have had such a night. Do you want a shot?

Oh, no, we're in a rush, so I probably shouldn't.

Okay.

Why don't you give it to me?

I'll handle it.

Thank you.

Oh! Um, hey, Lei-bae, um,

where are we on the whole pinot grigio situation?

[sighs] You know what, with all the trauma

of the bleeding and the boxing and the brain injury, I just... It slipped my mind.

Yeah, that's a bummer. But I guess I will just drink the Don Julio. [chuckles]

Thanks, Rey-bae.

She's great.

I'm just running the rainbow tables here, about halfway through.

I was actually gonna run a brute-force algorithm, but this'll be a lot faster.

It'll be faster, yeah. Good call.

Oh, you know about it?

- Yeah, know all about it. - Awesome.

'Cause a brute-force algorithm would brutally force

the rhythm of Al Gore,

uh, while rainbow tables are sort of more the spectrum of

Roy G. Biv and all that, so...

Roy G. Biv?

Roy Greg Biv. Discovered rainbows.

Listen, Leilani, about that whole engagement thing...

- I'm so sorry. - Reya...

- Jibran and I broke up. - Oh, my God, are you serious?

How is that even possible? You're, like, the best couple ever.

Us? You and Bobby are the perfect couple. Are you kidding?

Oh, no, Bobby and I fight all the time.

Yeah, but you guys have sex constantly.

Like doing all kinds of freaky shit.

Oh, no. [chuckles] Why would you think that?

'Cause you post those hot pictures

- of you and Bobby in bed. - Oh.

Two of my exes follow me. I'm just trying to make them jealous.

Yeah, it's not...

So where'd you learn this stuff? Like, MIT or something?

Me? [scoffs] Yeah, right.

Nothing like that. You're the fancy one here.

What?

Yeah, Leilani's told me all about you.

Sound like a very impressive guy.

- She talks about me? - Yeah.

She brags about you all the time.

Look at that. We're in.

- Can you do me a favor? - Yeah, anything.

Ever since Ji and I broke up, I've been super emotional,

and I have all these dick pics,

and I just need someone

to hold onto them for me till I'm emotionally ready.

- You printed them out? - I did.

Just put them... Don't open 'em.

Just put them in a safe place, okay?

"Senator Burrows"?

Mmm-hmm, that's what I call it.

'Cause he be burrowing all up in there!

- [both chuckle] - [Reya] Okay.

And you said I get freaky and shit.

Hey! Um...

- So Keith unlocked my phone. - Great!

Yeah, my doctor's at a party.

He'll see me, but we have to go right now.

Okay, let's go.

We can't go dressed like this.

Why not?

Oh, he's at a fancy benefit, so...

Can we borrow some nice clothes from you, Rey?

Yeah. Right this way.

- Oh. Yeah. - What are you doing?

Turning around so you can change.

It's not like you haven't seen this a million times.

Okay.

- Actually, turn around, yeah. - A little weird.

[Leilani] Are you ready for this?

[Jibran] No. But I'm glad we're together.

Me, too.

Listen. If I don't make it,

you could do a lot worse than Keith.

I would never date anyone who steals comedy.

I'ma finish getting dressed outside

- so you can get dressed in here. - Yeah.

- Shoes. - Guess I don't need these.

- Yeah. Trade you. - Thanks.

See you later, crocodile.

Okay.

[chattering]

[exhales]

You look great.

Thank you.

- Ready? - Yeah, ready. [chuckles]

- For our doctor's! - Yeah, my doctor's, with the...

- [Leilani] Yeah. - [Reya] Have a great night!

...four concussions.

[cell phone ringing]

[Jibran] Oh, no. It's the cops again.

Ma'am, it's a little quiet in here.

Do you mind turning on some music or something?

- Yeah. Of course. - Thank you.

["Firework" by Katy Perry playing]

- What? - This used to be our jam.

This has never once been our jam.

Do not act like you don't like this song like the rest of the world.

I do not like this song like the rest of the world.

♪ Do you ever feel Feel so paper thin ♪

♪ Like a house of cards... ♪

I know what you're doing. Whenever I'm stressed out, you try and get me

to sing along to songs, and it never works.

It always works. You just gotta be open to it.

- [song continues playing] - [singing along indistinctly]

Don't do this. Please don't do this.

I'm just not in the mood.

- ♪ There's a spark in you ♪ - Can you just sing in your head?

♪ You just gotta ignite The light ♪

[sighs]

♪ And let it shine ♪

♪ Just own the night ♪

♪ Like the Fourth of July ♪

[both] ♪ 'Cause, baby You're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show them What you're worth ♪

♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ As you shoot Across the sky ♪

♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on Let your colors burst ♪

♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ You're gonna leave 'em all In awe, awe, awe ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon ♪

Phone?

- [Jibran] Okay. - [device beeps]

Go ahead.

Oh. [snorts] Yeah.

Thank you.

- [classical piano music plays] - [chattering]

Thank you so much.

[Jibran] What is this place?

I don't know, but it's fucking creepy.

- That's Edie. - What if she recognizes us?

[bell dinging]

[piano music ends]

Oh, shit.

[whispering] Why is it so quiet?

Hi, can we, um...

Sorry.

- Sorry. Thank you. - Excuse me.

- Hi. - Oh, it's so sharp.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry.

[switch clangs]

[all] We are one. We are Sacrarium.

We are many. We are Sacrarium.

- [both] We are many. - [all] We are one.

We are Sacrarium.

[Jibran and Leilani] We are one...

[Jibran and Leilani clear throats]

[in distorted voice] Welcome, Membra Autem Sacrarium.

From the time of Hermes Trismegistus,

Hermes the Thrice-Blessed...

This is some Illuminati bullshit.

...to build the pyramids

to the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn.

[all] Light the fire of knowledge.

- L'Eggo my Eggo. - Where's the beef?

This unbroken chain of wisdom

shall be handed down to ten initiates.

[all] The few become many become one.

[rattling]

[in distorted voice] Fifty-one.

Is this Bingo?

I like Bingo.

Seventeen.

Six.

Twenty-three.

Did they win?

Fourteen.

I don't think we're supposed to do that.

Seventy-two.

Forty-four.

Where are they going?

[number caller] Thirty-four.

Do we want our names to be called?

I don't know. I don't think so.

And the final number is...

Ninety-nine.

Let the ceremony begin.

[upbeat new age music playing]

- Oh, no, that's not the vibe. - Mmm-hmm.

[Leilani] What is happening?

I think they're gonna, um...

Yeah, that's what I thought was gonna happen.

[gasping, moaning]

No, they didn't.

- Yes, they did. - Yes, they did.

You know, I'm actually not hating this.

Yeah, you've made your, um, thoughts on orgies quite clear.

Do you think they're gonna call more numbers?

- This is spontaneous. - This is not spontaneous!

I bet all these people had it on their Google Cal.

[man shushes]

[music continues]

- [Red Robe Man in normal voice] Stop! - [music stops]

Go away!

[low murmuring]

I love that they actually respect the word "stop."

There is a traitor amongst us.

A worker has violated the most sacred code of Sacrarium.

And for this, he has paid a hefty price.

He is quod mortem.

- [all murmuring] - [Leilani] Jibran, my God.

They hired Mustache to kill Bicycle.

Oh, shit.

- [Red Robe Man] Silence! - [Jibran] We should get out of here.

I have just learned that this man's barcode

has been used to enter Sacrarium tonight.

[quietly] It's okay.

We have imposters in our ranks.

[all gasp]

Oh, no, imposters. That sucks.

We must all reveal our true faces,

so that this imposter may be rooted out

and dealt with.

On my count of three,

unmask yourselves.

One...

- Okay, fuck. - Are we gonna do it?

- Everyone's gonna take it off. - Two...

[Jibran] Fuck, fuck, we have to do it.

- If everybody else is doing it. - Three!

Oh, fuck.

A true member knows, you never take off your mask.

[gasps] Oh, my God, that's them.

- Go! Go get 'em! - Oh, God.

[all] We are one. We are Sacrarium.

[Red Robe Man] Your burnt offerings

shall be made to the gods,

- and it shall replenish them. - Oh! No! Stop! I'm a bleeder!

- [Jibran and Leilani screaming] - [alarm blaring]

[automated male voice] Evacuate.

Evacuate.

[attendees clamoring]

Evacuate.

What the fuck?

What the fuck? All the fuck people left.

Are we having the same dream?

[alarm continues blaring]

- Um... - Let's go.

- [officer 1] Police! - [officer 2] Go, go, go, go!

- [Leilani] Oh, my God. - [officer 2] Go, go, go, go!

- Freeze! Hands in the air! - [Jibran] Whoa. Whoa.

- [officer 2] Higher! Higher! - This is as high as they go.

[officer on radio] Dispatch, that's a 10-95.

They're in custody. We're on our way back.

[blinker clicking]

Detective Martin will be here shortly.

It's over. We're done.

I know.

I'm never gonna be able to see Radiohead live.

I'm never gonna see the ocean again.

You hated going to the beach.

No, I loved the beach.

I just hated all the sand.

That's what a beach is.

No, it's a lot more ocean.

I'm never gonna have kids.

Since when do you want kids?

Since always.

Why didn't you ever tell me that?

Because you always said you didn't want kids,

so I figured I'd just go without.

You'd sacrifice that for me?

You were worth it.

I need to tell you something.

Yeah?

You remember when you went out of town for Ben's bachelor party?

You ate all my peanut brittle.

No.

Yeah.

I snuck into your office and I watched your documentary.

- You did what? - I know, I'm sorry.

But can I just say that

it was really good.

Why didn't you say something?

Jibran, honestly, sometimes...

I feel like you don't care what I think.

[chuckles] I care so much about what you think.

That's why I didn't wanna show it to you.

I was afraid you wouldn't like it.

You know, you've had your life figured out since the moment we met.

I always felt like you could do so much better than me.

You know, honestly, I...

I feel like I don't have anything figured out.

Like, zero.

But I was so obsessed with what everybody else thought,

except the one person that I care about the most.

I just want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy, too.

We'll still be friends, laying out at the trial.

Oh, no, I took a deal.

- What? - Nobody told you?

- [both chuckle] - But I thought we'd have the same lawyer.

- I'm a rat all day. - It's done?

- [chuckles] Yeah, it's done. - Ah, shit.

I like them. I don't think they should break up.

Relationships are a motherfucker.

Yeah.

We've been looking for you all over this city.

You guys are key witnesses on a homicide,

and the suspect is still on the loose.

What?

We've been trying to track you down

all night to make sure you were safe.

We tried calling your phone several times.

Wait, I'm sorry. You don't think we're the murderers?

No. There were traffic cameras

that caught the entire pursuit.

- Uh-huh. - I can't believe this.

We're trying to ID the individual

who carjacked your vehicle.

We know he's responsible for this incident

- and multiple homicides at the St. Charles Apartments. - He's a bad man.

- A bunch of dead frat guys. - Uh... Okay...

Just to be clear,

we are not suspects in a murder/homicide.

- You know we didn't do this. - We didn't.

- And you know it. - Of course you didn't do it.

Why would two civilians

violently murder a man they've never met?

- Like, why would we... - [laughter]

- It doesn't make sense. - It doesn't make any sense.

Oh, my God!

[laughs] That's right. I promise I've never killed anyone.

And I promise to never kill anyone, Scout's honor.

- Never. Never kill anybody. - Never kill.

Have I thought about killing people? Like Jibran?

All the time. But I would never...

- But that's in a normal way! - No...

She would never act on it.

In the way where I'm like,

"I will kill you, I will wring your neck!"

- But not in the real murder way. - Not physically.

I have rolled through stop signs almost every day of my life,

but not in a dangerous way. [laughing]

I used to sell, uh, my uncle's edibles.

He was always like, "It's legal in Amsterdam."

He could not point to Amsterdam on a map.

She did not sell them in Amsterdam.

- She sold them here. - I don't know where Amsterdam is.

But to help people get high.

Just glaucoma and things like that.

[Jibran] Yes, mostly. She did make some money

at a time when we did need some money.

We needed to pay bills. Wait, I'm sorry.

So, did you guys catch the... the cult people?

[Jibran] The cult in the theater with the people

with the masks and everybody was... sex.

The lucky people had sex.

- [Jibran] On the round bed... - [Leilani] There was music.

- Yeah, they were having sex. - In a very public place.

- Some people were putting in work. - There was a big round bed.

Some people got right to it.

I will agree they were putting in work.

[Leilani] Yeah, we saw all of that.

Let me tell you, sis, it was a sight.

That's super helpful, but we know all about Sacrarium.

We've been tracking them for months,

and the raid tonight was supposed to shut them down for good,

but somebody tipped them off that we were coming.

Look, you guys witnessed some horrific things.

Eventually, we're gonna need your statements,

but I really think that you two

would benefit from some sleep.

So why don't you come back first thing in the morning

and we'll get your statements then.

One of our guys out back will take you home.

And we'll keep an eye on your place

to make sure you're safe until the suspect is apprehended.

Thank you so much. This has been a good experience.

- I hope so. - Thank you for everything.

Is there a comment card? 'Cause I'm doing five.

- I would love to... Okay? - Fives down the line.

So, that's it? [scoffs]

We just go back to our normal lives?

Like nothing happened?

I guess so. [chuckles]

Um...

I could sleep on the couch tonight.

Oh, no, no, no. We can... We can trade off.

No, you should have the bed.

This is crazy. I know we didn't, like, solve the crime or whatever,

but we got really close.

I'm proud of us.

And not bad for a couple rookies.

You know, the one thing I can't figure out is, who called the cops?

[driver] I did.

Remember me?

How did you get in this car?

I told you I was a cop.

I've been on the force for about 13 years.

I'm actually kind of a big deal over there.

And you're a member of the sex cult, too?

[Mustache] Nah, they pay me to keep 'em safe from the police.

Wait, so you were protecting the sex cult

and also blackmailing its members?

As a matter of fact, I was.

Do you know how much this fucking city pays me?

I put my life on the line every single day

and the government tosses pennies at me.

But you know what is fucked up?

That guy on the bicycle?

The one I ran over several times with your car?

- I remember. You remember? - Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, we remember. - That was my friend.

Me and him, we come up with the blackmail-the-cult scheme.

But he got too greedy. Stopped giving me my full cut.

And then, against my better judgment,

he brought those ignorant frat boys on board.

Sir, if I may, we don't know anything,

and we have terrible memories.

So please just let us go, you can trust us.

Lady, I don't trust anyone. Here's a little tip:

The world is out to get you.

The only one who's got your back

is you.

- You're wrong. - That's not true.

I trusted someone. One person.

Siobhan.

I will never trust anyone again.

Never.

You come into this world alone

and you leave this world alone.

Which is what you two are about to find out.

[grunts] Look,

I'm sorry I have to kill you guys.

You seem like a nice, though somewhat annoying couple.

But if it makes you feel any better, I will get over it.

You don't have to do this, okay?

You're not a killer, you're a good person.

I can see it in your eyes.

- Your eyes are so kind. - They're luminous.

Do you know how many people I have killed today?

Uh... I would say you've killed, like,

exactly the right number of people.

I wouldn't add to it, 'cause right now,

the number of people you've killed is impressive, but not, like, worrying.

Also, you killed a guy on a bicycle and a bunch of frat boys.

[nervously] Who's kidding who? You're practically a folk hero.

That was a rhetorical question.

Never too late to change.

Maybe if you do, you can find a new Siobhan.

Did I say that you could talk about Siobhan?

I thought you were sharing and it was an open invitation.

Listen, Siobhan is clearly a tramp.

You, too!

Take her name out of your mouth!

I will never say the name Siobhaaa again.

- She's dead to me. I don't even... [gags] - [Jibran] She sucks.

Shut up.

[whispers] He clearly isn't over Siobhan.

Turn around. Put your hands behind your back.

You lay a hand on her and I'll kick your ass, dude.

- [Mustache] Turn around. - Yes, sir.

[winces]

They have traffic cam footage of you, man.

You're so fucked.

Nah, I saw it. It's very grainy.

It's like, uh, Bigfoot footage.

We can't just sit here waiting to be killed, okay?

- We need to do something. - Okay.

- Help me figure something out. - Okay, okay.

Um... Here, uh, loosen my ties.

- Can you do it? - I can barely reach it.

- Can't move my fingers. - Ah. It's getting tighter. Ow.

I'm sorry. Okay, try me.

- Is it working? - No. Oh, fuck!

[Jibran] I'm gonna try kicking this. [grunts]

- Oh, shit. - [grunts] I wish I was wearing your date shoes.

Jibran, the lighter! The cigarette lighter!

That's what it's there for! Go, go.

- [Leilani grunts] - Yeah, you can do it.

[straining]

Okay, that's kind of hot.

- Does he see us? - My God, he's laying down plastic.

Oh, shit, shit.

- Has it popped out yet? - No.

- [Jibran] What about now? - Okay. Okay.

Come on. Hurry up.

Get it, get it, get it. Get it, get it, get it.

- [Leilani] Close your eyes. - Come on, come on.

[screams] Get the plastic, not my hands!

[Jibran screams]

Drop it, drop it. Ow! Ahh!

- I had it in my mouth, okay? - Yeah, but you didn't have

- the hot end in your mouth. - Hurry up!

Hold, up, hold up, he's looking at us. Hold on.

Okay, put it back. Put it back. Put it back.

[Mustache] Out of the car.

They're gonna get you. They know you drove us.

[Mustache] No, they're not gonna suspect me.

When I drove you guys to your apartment,

the real killer jumped out of the bushes

and hit me over the head!

When I woke up, there I was,

tied up in the back of my own squad car

with you guys here at the marina.

Watch your step.

And then the killer made us get on the boat.

That's right. All three of us.

And you remember what happened next.

He made us all kneel down. Go ahead.

I jumped up and tried to save you guys.

And in the scuffle, I was shot.

I wasn't mortally wounded, but I had to watch in horror

as the masked killer

executed you both with my gun.

Anyway, let's get this over with.

Eenie...

No.

Eenie,

meenie,

miney...

[both grunting]

[Jibran] Hey, Mustache.

[both grunting]

[Leilani] Okay, okay.

[Jibran groans] Oh, fuck.

- [Mustache] Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, shit.

Go ahead. Shoot me.

Right here in the shoulder would be good.

That way I don't have to shoot myself.

Drop the gun or I'll break his neck.

You can't break his neck. It-It-It's too thick.

I'll just twist until something bad happens.

[stifled] From where I'm sitting, he's super convincing.

He can't hurt you.

I bet he can do it quite easily.

- [Mustache] Drop it. - Leilani, listen to him. Put the gun down.

- You don't have a shot. Just put it down. - I do have a shot.

Why are you arguing with me about this?

Because you think you're always right, and you're wrong about this.

I must listen to someone who's never held a gun before, and I'm the know-it-all?

- You refuse to take risks! This is an example. - [Mustache] Guys...

- You're the reason we're here! This is your fault! - Guys... Guys!

- Do you really wanna do this right now? - [Jibran] Oh, my God.

- I wanted to go to the police! - You were driving the car!

- I got kicked by a horse for you! - Oh, my God.

- [Leilani] You ran from a dead body and left me. - You guys are annoying.

I am alone in this relationship.

You watched my movie without asking me!

- Nobody cares about your shit. - Stop! You sound like my parents!

Understand what I'm doing for once!

Be with me on something!

- One, two, three! - Go!

[screams]

- [Jibran groans] - Shit.

- Jibran, are you okay? - Yeah.

[Leilani] Oh, shit.

[both gasping in relief]

[Leilani] Oh, my God.

- [Mustache yelling] - [Leilani screaming]

[Mustache groans]

[both gasping]

[both panting]

[siren wailing in the distance]

[Detective Martin] Thanks to you guys,

we have the suspect in custody. You're safe now.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?

Yeah.

I knew you were gonna do that "one, two, three" thing,

even though it didn't work any other time. [chuckles]

- You did everything. You did. - No, it was equal. It was equal!

- You shot him! - I know.

- That was amazing. - I would rather forget that.

- Don't shoot anyone again. - I will never shoot anyone ever again.

- What? - I didn't say anything.

I know that face.

- What face? - It's the "I wanna kiss you" face.

- No, no. No, I don't... - Yes, it is.

- I don't wanna kiss you. - Oh.

I don't, so... You're very arrogant. Gross.

[laughs] Oh, gross?

Wow, you wanna kiss me so bad,

- like, with tongue and everything. I can tell. - You are projecting.

- Oh, okay. - I think you wanna kiss me.

- I wanna kiss you? - You wanna kiss me.

And you're, like, doing this now.

Doing what? What am I doing?

♪ Something about the way That you talk to me ♪

♪ Even when you're not around I feel you, boy ♪

[soft knocking]

Sorry to interrupt, lovebirds.

I gotta take you to the hospital, have them check you out.

It's protocol.

♪ Perhaps it was The way that you smiled ♪

Back-of-the-ambulance sex is pretty freaky, right?

- I am so down. - All right, let's go.

[Leilani] Are you gonna try that move we saw in the orgy?

[Jibran] Oh, I'm gonna put in some work!

[Leilani] Mmm-mmm, you don't sound right. That's my line.

♪ Find someone like you Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I've been waiting My whole life To find someone... ♪

- [Jibran] Run, Leilani! - [Leilani] I'm running.

- [Jibran] Shit! - [Leilani] They're right behind us!

- [siren wailing] - Let me lead, slow down!

- Run, run, run! - Jibran, I'm running.

Don't tell me to run when I'm running!

They're right there! We're so fucked!

[narrator] This is London, England.

Jibran and Leilani lost valuable time

after a heated argument about the metric system.

With only two legs remaining,

do they have what it takes to win the $1 million prize?

We're actually doing it, Jibran!

- I told you we could win The Amazing Race. - [panting]

Okay. "For over 50 years,

enthusiasts have gathered at Hyde Park to commemorate..."

- Uh-oh. - What?

[neighing]

Oh, [bleep].

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ This shit be like Friday nights ♪

♪ This shit make me Feel alive ♪

♪ I feel like we in paradise Paradise ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ Don't know If it's the drink I poured ♪

♪ But I swear I've never loved you more ♪

♪ With you right here I come alive ♪

♪ One more hit and we can fly This shit feel like ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ I'm feeling it My head's where The ceiling is ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ This energy Turns nights into memories ♪

♪ Count up the bands You've been working All summer ♪

♪ Ex didn't know what he had What a bummer ♪

♪ Insecure people Turn to insecure lovers ♪

♪ My drink is almost out And I'm about to Pour another ♪

♪ Just let it out The night has just begun ♪

♪ We on a level now ♪

♪ If I get too fucked up Promise you'll hold me down ♪

♪ Yeah, this that shit You can't deny ♪

♪ This that shit You feel inside ♪

♪ This our life, our time We livin' well ♪

♪ Late nights in the city Causin' hell ♪

♪ Burn this bitch Into the ground, oh, well ♪

♪ If all we got tonight Let's do this right ♪

♪ Let's do this right Let's go to ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ This shit feel like Friday nights ♪

♪ Ooh, it do ♪

♪ This shit make me Feel alive ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I feel like we in paradise ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ Don't know If it's the drink I poured ♪

♪ But I swear I've never loved you more ♪

♪ When you right here I come alive ♪

♪ One more hit and we can fly This shit feel like ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ Hands on your body I'm grabbin' your ass ♪

♪ Enjoyin' the moment 'Cause life move too fast ♪

♪ I'm lookin' forward Ignorin' the past ♪

♪ These are the times That we'll laugh Lookin' back ♪

♪ I'm gettin' lucky Like coins in the well ♪

♪ Goodbye to my haters I'm wishin' you well ♪

♪ This is my year, man If you couldn't tell ♪

♪ This is our life And we livin' it well ♪

♪ Late nights in the city Causin' hell ♪

♪ Burn this bitch Into the ground, oh, well ♪

♪ If all we got tonight Let's do this right ♪

♪ Let's do this right ♪

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull