Original subtitles

(sparks)

(flames roar)

- [Narrator] Who are the mentally retarded?

- About 800,000 with disabilities are unemployed

even though they're able to work.

- [Narrator] In most communities,

ambulance crews will not handle disturbed people.

- [Narrator] Unemployment for the disabled is discouraging.

- [Narrator] And speaking of jobs,

most people if they believe they are able

to perform any useful work at all,

probably think of them only in terms

of the most simple manual operations.

- [Narrator] It is estimated that one million

with a disability can't find work.

- They told her to get out.

- [Narrator] Their ability to learn will vary according

to the training, experience,

and personal dedication of the teacher.

- They claim the DOJ is looking into whether

the school violated the Federal Disabilities Act.

- [Narrator] People with physical handicaps get to be

even President of the United States.

- Uh, I don't know what I said!

Uh, I don't remember!

- When a policeman gets hurt handling

a mentally disturbed person,

it's mostly because he has tried

to handle the whole deal by himself.

("Everyone Respects the Gun" by Everlast)

♪ Everybody meets their maker

♪ Everyone, they feel the fire

♪ Everybody's on the taking

♪ Everyone's a fucking liar

♪ Everyone's another suspect

♪ Everybody's on the run

♪ Everybody fears the box and

♪ Everyone respects the gun

♪ Everyone respects the gun

- Woo.

(laughs)

They grew these boys in a lab.

- Steroids?

- I don't know.

I'd have to feel their nut sacks.

- Yeah. What?

- Yeah, roids.

Turns your testiculars into tiny packing peanuts.

- Why do you know that?

- There's no good answer.

- You know, forget I asked.

-Okay.

- Gentlemen.

- Nice outfit.

Now, do you prefer Darth or the more formal Mr. Vader?

(laughs)

- Yeah, outfit's so black,

you could have a civil rights protest in your pants.

- Jerome, it's fine.

- Welcome to Los Angeles.

We're here to help you.

- Yeah, and why should I trust you?

- Well, you shouldn't 'cause we're criminals,

but I want you to know, just trust that you can trust us.

- I never trust trusting people.

I'm not a truster.

- Well, this guy could write greeting cards.

- Now that we're all nice and snugly, are we gonna do this?

- Yeah, he's right, let's get to business.

- Deal's off.

- Because of a couple of mild insults?

My god, we gotta drug dealer with a self-esteem problem.

- If you want, we can pay in hugs.

(laughs)

- The deal's off.

- Come on, the truck is right there waiting

to get turned into money!

Let's do this! (loud thud)

Whoa! - See, I don't see a truck.

I see cops.

- The hell are you babbling about?

- Todd Parker, LAPD.

Now, I didn't find anything on you,

but that don't mean you ain't a piggy too.

- You do have trust issues.

Your step-mama should've breastfed you.

Nobody move.

Mother-- (loud horn)

You're a cop?

You're a (loud horn) cop?

(gun fires) (groans)

- What are you-- (gun firing)

- Now, that's eight shots.

That means I got just enough to double tap you

and that pleather jacket.

What now?

- You're a cop.

Oh, you're crazy.

Either way, that's bad for business.

That's what now.

Torch it.

- Oh no.

No!

(loud crash) (fire roars)

No! No!

(loud thud)

- Fowler!

- Fowler!

Wake up!

Fowler!

Fowler, wake up!

Fowler!

- Captain.

Captain, arrest me right now.

- What?

- You gotta arrest me right now.

They got cameras all over this place.

You can make it look good. - Fowler, it's over.

They're gone.

- I'm sorry, Captain.

(loud thud) (groans)

Captain, rough me up.

You gotta rough me up right--

(loud thud)

Perfect, that's-- (loud thud)

(coughs)

(upbeat rock music)

- Next time, warn a guy if you're gonna kick him

in the backup singers.

- Sorry, Captain, I was trying

to not blow cover like dumb ass here.

How is he? - How is he?

He's shot, you piece of shit!

I want him gone!

You're out, Fowler!

I already called my union rep--

- Really, is that what you did?

- Fowler!

- Okay, fine.

Let's talk about the master

undercover officer in front of us.

You suck so bad, they had a folder on you.

They had your email.

They had your prostate measurements,

which you should probably check again

while your head is still up your ass!

They had your address.

They had your phone number.

They had your ex-girlfriend's sexual preference,

and you know what, it ain't you!

I saved your life tonight.

You're lucky that I shot you in the leg and the vest,

instead of the head!

- You wanna go?

I'll kill you right here,

you piece of shit! - Let's go, bring it!

- Let me get up there! - Let's go!

Come on, any time! - I'll kill you,

you son of a bitch! - Any time, any time!

Let's do this! - I got you, Fowler!

- Right here!

- I'm gonna sock-- - All you got, all you got!

Yeah, watch this!

(loud squishing) (screams)

- Hey!

What the hell is wrong with you?

(loud squish)

- What? - Right.

Enough of this.

Outside!

(sniffs) (groans)

- [Captain Wynn] I can't do this anymore.

- Well, then find me a decent partner.

- Well, that's a tall order, Fowler,

because you're a violent, arrogant douche bag

that thinks about nothing but himself.

- I like puppies.

- There's no one left.

If I put you in parking enforcement,

you'd get shot by a meter maid.

- That baby wasn't mine.

- What? - She slept with anybody

who had a nice car.

- You got a meter maid pregnant?

- You didn't know that.

That cutie that works the beach in Santa Monica?

Mikayla?

- Monster Mikayla?

She's as big as me.

- Just Mikayla, sir.

And she has a thyroid thing, like you.

Aggravated by a cheesecake thing, like you.

- You really are a lowlife.

- Sir, what about my car?

It's 35 grand.

(Captain laughs)

Sir, am I on the precinct's insurance or not?

(Captain laughs)

I'm gonna need something from you guys!

- [Captain] Go fuck yourself, Fowler!

("Moneymaker" by Everlast)

- I can't do it.

- Say it's a demo.

- It's not.

- That's why you say it.

Because of that fight with your wife was assault,

but in my report, I said it wasn't.

- Garrett, she chased me with a bat.

- And she fell down the stairs and got hurt,

which, again, with my testimony,

would totally be seen as assault.

- She was drunk and on molly

she got from her new girlfriend.

- Well, that means she's part of the LGBT community,

which makes her a hero.

But it also means you committed a hate crime.

Oh my god, I feel a tear coming on.

Don't cry, Garrett.

Hold it back, Garrett.

Save it for...the jury.

♪ Go on, honey, shake your moneymaker

♪ Baby I'm a sinner, all I've done is wrong

♪ Everybody clap your hands, sing a simple song

♪ Whiskey it spills and we all get along

♪ But Louis keep it real, take a hit from the bong

(tires screech) (car revs)

♪ Three times a lady, easy like Sunday morning

♪ On and on until the break of dawn

♪ Hot butter on, say what, the popcorn

♪ Yes, yes, y'all and creditors calling

♪ Dow Jones falling, push your chips all in

- Garrett.

Garrett, Garrett.

- Well, how's it going, sexy?

- It's Madam Mayor.

- Madam Mayor Sexy.

Well, that's kinda cocky, don't you think?

(chuckles)

- I heard you lost another partner.

- I didn't lose him.

I shot him.

Do you keep track of all your ex-boyfriends?

- Hm-mm, just your ex-boyfriends.

See, I have to keep track of the worst cop

so I can take out the trash.

- Tara, we were 10 years ago.

You gotta let go of this anger

'cause it's making your boobs droop.

- Watch it.

We don't talk about the mayor's boobs.

- I bet you do.

- It's fine.

It's fine.

I just had a meeting with your captain.

He's gonna help me keep my city clean.

Get rid of the scum.

Be good, lover.

(loud crash)

- I just smashed a Pinocchio!

Do you know how hard it is to get

an actual authentic, mini, ceramic, kiln fired

in the fucking Netherlands Pinocchio?

- Yes, sir, it's why I started drinking.

- You see, my therapist, my therapist suggested

that I start to collect figurines

to help me with my stress.

But it made me nuts.

You know what I do now?

I throw 'em!

Because I feel better when I see

their little heads crack open!

- Well, we are all glad you're in charge, sir.

(loud crash)

- Sit down!

You got IA sniffing all over this place

because you shot your partner!

Repeatedly!

I should just shut you down!

- You can't shut me down

'cause you can't make something stick, sir.

- Oh yes, I can!

And I don't give a donkey's sack

that the mayor is your ex-girlfriend.

There you go.

As per the mayor, that's your new job.

- Fairness and Disabilities Act.

Handicapped cadets.

(laughs)

Handicapped police officers?!

(laughs)

Come on!

Are you kidding me?

We, the LAPD, are gonna give wobblies guns?

- It was a pilot program.

They passed all their requirements,

but nobody got put on the force.

Three years later, the ACLU sued.

So, here we are.

Hey, very high test scores.

Better than you.

Technically, they're cops.

- No, they're not cops.

I'm a cop.

Know how I know that?

Because I don't have to empty my bag every three hours.

I'm not doing this.

I will not wipe drool and spend three hours

a day explaining ceiling fan.

- You are gonna do this!

Or I am gonna put you in a parking lot,

chasing skateboarders from a fucking golf cart!

- So I'm boned.

- Like a skeleton getting a lap dance.

Ah, ha!

Don't you dare!

Only I get to do that.

Put it down.

("Moneymaker" by Everlast)

♪ Praise your God, Lord have mercy

♪ My mother warned me, my father cursed me

♪ Grand design, time to meet your maker

(tires screeching)

(loud crash)

(heaves loudly) (vomit splashes)

(coughs)

(groans)

(vomit squishes)

- It's okay. I hit some ice.

Do me a favor, park it some place nice.

♪ Praise your God, Lord have mercy

♪ My mother warned me, my father cursed me

♪ Grand design, time to meet your maker

♪ Go on, honey, shake your moneymaker

♪ Baby, don't be lazy, come get your paper

♪ Go on, honey, shake your moneymaker

♪ Walk a little road, see where it gonna take ya

♪ Go on, honey, shake your moneymaker

(heaves loudly) (vomit splashes)

(coughs)

(groans)

- Fowler!

You look like fried ass.

- Yeah, because of this,

I was up all night flirting with suicide.

- Flirting?

You gotta follow through.

All right, come on, you ready for this?

- You know what, sir, yeah, I'm ready for this.

Sure. You know why?

'Cause I was born ready!

Holy shit.

- Make good choices.

(laughs)

- Morning!

My name is Detective Fowler.

This is a police station.

Today, we're gonna find out

why you guys want to be police detectives.

Now, if you need to go to the bathroom--

- Don't, don't, don't worry.

We're all wuh, wuh, wuh, wearing da, diapers.

We can interview while we puh, puh, pee.

Is that pu-, puke on your shirt?

- Huh.

I thought that smell was you guys.

(laughs)

Let's get started.

Okay, uh, well, you're up.

Let's go, Evel Knievel.

- Yeah!

(loud thud)

(squeaking)

- Perfect.

Why do you wanna be a detective?

- The word midget--

- I wanna take down bad guys!

Pow, pow, pow!

- I'm offended!

I outscored everyone in the program!

- That's impressive.

- Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,

fucking damn right it's impressive.

- What kind of mouthwash is that?

- Mexican.

- I'm just a pawn in the 9/11 coverup.

- Well, I love your enthusiasm.

- When the shit goes down--

(machine whirs) (hissing)

I can mount a shotgun to my wheelchair.

(machine whirs) (hissing)

And fire it by blowing into my--

(machine whirs) (hissing)

Tube.

- No one scored hoy, ha, higher in cruh,

cruh, cruh, cruh,

cruh, cruh, cruh,

cruh, cruh, criminology!

- Now I'm auditioning for the defective detectives!

Bureaucratic butt rangers!

- One more question.

- [Both] Yes, my penis still works.

- Okay, two more questions.

- Blow 'em up!

Shoot them in the face.

- Can you do a wheelie?

(machine whirs)

- Yeah.

- Don't touch me.

I don't like to be touched.

It makes me weird.

- Define weird.

(loud rumble)

- Do you want me to crawl

into your bed at night and make you itch?

- Beep, bay beep, beep, beep,

bay beep, bay beep, beep, bee--

- Pow! Pow!

Pow!

- No! (loud thud)

- This is bullshit!

(loud crash)

- I know everything in the whole world.

- Thank you for clearing that up.

- Hi!

How did my Alvin do?

- Oh, he was great.

He didn't vomit or masturbate.

You should be really, really proud.

- Thank you for giving them a chance.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love the wobblies, honey.

I'm fulfilled.

- Fowler!

- Ah!

- We got four yet?

- Three.

And if that is the cream of God's genetic misfires,

then God is a vengeful prick.

Really Old Testament.

- Cap.

About Krasnov and Gutierrez, well, we found their car

and the underside was covered with this red grainy mud.

But no sign of them.

- Well, what'd the lab say?

- Dirt has a really high percentage of magnesium and lye.

- Barstow and Richmond.

- What? - Barstow and Richmond,

the soil is high in lye and magnesium.

And dirt.

- Alvin knows everything.

- Yeah, he kept telling me that over and over and over.

- He's read reference books his whole life

and has a photographic memory,

so if he sees it, he can't forget it.

- Huh.

- Aw.

Fine.

We got four.

(gasps) (screams)

(Garrett screams)

(loud thud)

(loud thud) (groans)

- [Garrett] Shoot him!

- He also read every martial arts book he could find.

- He touched me Mama...

Now, I'm going to poop on him.

- Sorry about that.

His father also got him a subscription to Hustler magazine.

He read every one.

Probably a mistake.

- [Garrett] Shoot him.

- Honey, look.

- Okay, we got four.

- Four?

He almost killed me!

- I said we got four!

Okay, Barstow and Richmond, you two check it out.

You, come in tomorrow sober enough to fight Rain Man.

- You think he could count cards?

- Ah, you're a scumbag.

- Alvin!

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- Hey, Madam Mayor Sexy.

(chuckles)

- What do you want, Fowler?

- What I have always wanted.

You.

- That is so sweet.

You're still in charge with the special little soldiers.

- Oh, come on, retards?

Tara, you gave me retards!

- They like the term disabled, so use it.

And, Fowler, make this work.

Get me good press.

Or you'll end up painting houses in Sylmar.

- I hate you.

- Well, then this worked like it was supposed to.

Goodnight.

- Tara, wait, no.

Listen, you can't do this to me!

Tara, I gotta tell you, look, look--

(phone clicks)

Hello?

Tara!

(screams)

(screams)

(screams)

God!

(sobbing)

You have too many blue ones anyway.

(car revs) (tires screech)

♪ My mother warned me, my father cursed me

♪ Grand design, time to meet your maker

♪ Come on, honey--

(laughs)

(clock ticking)

- Well, only 43 minutes late.

Is it Black Friday at the liquor store?

- Good morning, and no, I am on a natural high and--

(pills rattle)

Vicodin.

Score!

- Good to see you, sir.

And Vicodin caused Vietnam.

- Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Listen, um, just so you know,

you're the first retarded squad in existence.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh-

Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh-

Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuck you!

We're not ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, retarded!

- That's telling him!

Finally!

- [Morgan] Hey, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh--

- I got it!

Don't drop a nut.

- I don't like fighting.

- Hey, sir, I think some leadership

and teamwork is in order.

We all know this is just an academic experiment

to control and/or euthanize us.

When do we get our psychoactive medication?

- What? - I had it in basic.

Kinda minty.

- Uh, guys, this is gonna be really weird.

For me.

I mean, you guys have never been normal,

but I've never led retards before--

- God, god, god, god, goddammit!

- You are so out of line!

- Yeah!

- And retard's not gonna cut it.

I am a little person with a gun!

- She's right!

And I was normal.

- What the hell does that mean, gimpy?

- There are 127 words to describe people with disabilities.

127.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten...

- All right.

Okay, apologies.

Today, we learn how to be detectives!

- Hell yeah! - Finally!

- Excellent, sir.

- All right, we're gonna start

with the basics of police work.

You know, tracking cases, organization,

mopping, dusting, picking up my dry cleaning.

- What? - What?

- What? - What, what, what, what,

what, what, what, what, what, what?

- This is bull, bullshit.

We're not ja, janitors.

- Yeah, and dry cleaning is a Ponzi scheme.

- You are the worst douche bag I've ever met.

- Douche bag?

The hell is your problem?

- My problem is, I live at ass level!

- Oh my god, I knew this was gonna happen.

I'm living in a retard freak show!

(shouting) (screaming)

Knock it off!

Okay. Okay.

You know what, you're not retards.

As a matter of fact, you're a spaz, a midget, a cripple.

He's a retard.

Does that bother you?

Because it's what everybody thinks.

No matter what lame PC word we use, retard is what we think.

(laughs)

If you think handicapable makes a difference,

then you're extra special retarded.

Now, you guys signed up to be undercover detectives,

so either step up and do the job

or step aside, go out there, and be differently abled.

Because after a year on the force,

dealing with scumbags, crack addicts,

murderers, and family law attorneys,

retard is gonna feel like a warm hug from mama.

- I might be a re, re, retard,

but you, sir, are an a, a, a, asshole.

- And I have to live with that every day.

I don't get to say that I have a nice deficiency.

You know, I don't get to say that I'm etiquette-challenged.

I am an asshole.

And nobody's building me a goddamn ramp.

Look, clean my office.

Go through the evidence files.

You see something I missed,

a case you guys wanna go after, we'll do it.

You want to be cops?

Show me.

- Why would an asshole need a ramp?

- Is she busy?

- No, she's not.

- Good. - But she did tell me to say

that if you showed up, that I should call

our tactical SWAT team and one of them that has a sniper

that can hit you with a bullet from the rooftop.

(laughs)

- So then we have a couple minutes?

- No, wait.

Detective Fowler!

- Seriously, Tara?

Mongoloids?

My mother's second husband was from Mongolia.

- Exactly, retards.

- I'm sorry, Mayor.

- It's okay.

Detective Fowler has never had good manners.

- I am not the guy for this.

- Well, you're right, but you are doing it.

I couldn't spare anyone with a soul.

Listen, I have an election coming up,

so if this doesn't work

and one of them gets hurt, it's your fault.

And the mayor will have to do her job and crucify a bad cop,

so it's like a win-win.

- No, for it to be a win-win, I also have to win.

- No, I win twice!

- Do anything else to get even with me, not this.

- This is so uncomfortable for me.

- Yeah, well, I think I'm gonna puke.

My feelings for you, Fowler,

have been dead and buried for some time.

- I can fix that.

Let's have sex one more time.

- Oh my god!

- I replaced you with batteries.

- Ouch!

- Go away.

- Sorry.

- We were in love once.

Isn't that something?

- Yeah, until you were inside someone covered with glitter!

We are done, you get that?

I was the best thing that ever happened to you.

- Let's don't get crazy.

- The best thing that ever happened to you!

- Okay. Get crazy.

- And you will never get this again.

So, now, go and train those little heroes.

- They've never done anything heroic!

- They're heroes!

And you get me reelected.

Or I will make an example out of a

very,

very

bad cop.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- I want you to know something.

The man I have become is 100% due to the fact

that you were a glacier in the bedroom.

Your icy vagina ruined me.

I had to name my penis Titanic.

Wow, look at that.

I insulted you and complimented myself.

- Oh! (screams)

(loud crash)

- That was a win-win.

(laughs)

(phone beeps)

- Uh, Mayor, you have a photo op with the little cuties

from Boy Scout, troop 19 at 1:00 p.m.

(screams) (loud crash)

I'll push it to 1:30.

- Retards are gonna be cops.

Great.

Goddammit.

Handicapable, my ass.

Cops gotta be perfect, you know?

- What's the matter, Fowler?

You having trouble keeping up with the Avengers?

(laughs)

- Yeah, Fowler, how are the retards?

Huh?

You getting a lot of practice wiping other people's butts?

They like cheese puffs, right?

Mongos love cheese puffs!

(laughs)

- [Alvin] Garrett's here.

- Wow.

I was expecting an insurance fire.

Wow!

Guys, I gotta tell you, I just got something.

- So did we.

- You said step up.

- We found a case.

- Definitely guilty.

- This guy's a real ass clown.

- What is it?

Guys, these are my phone bills.

And what?

(laughs)

My car registration for LA Dream Cars?

- You got a hell of a deal on that Charger, sir.

A new Hemi R/T is worth what, 40 grand?

- And you puh, puh, paid nothing.

- And the salesman, Mike, was up on a rape charge

that got suddenly dropped.

- It was assault.

It was a lease.

- Oops.

- We tracked some of the phone numbers.

The highlighted ones,

you got some pretty shady buddies, buddy.

- Are those drug dealers your friends?

- Uh, they are my CIs.

(Mac laughs)

- According to the department, sir,

they're not on your informant list.

- You're supposed to pay informants.

Why are your informants paying you?

- And your bank account has some wuh,

we, wuh, weird deposits.

Who's Lou?

- I wanna know who Julio is.

- How the hell did you get into my bank?

- Oh, it wasn't hard.

Password, 2QUILA.

All caps.

- How'd you get that?

- Logic, due diligence, and you wrote it

on a Post-it note stuck to your computer.

- What kind of dumb ass leaves records

for his criminal activity in his office?

- Just got the car.

I just kinda threw it in, you know?

I didn't really even, oh, you guys really did organize this.

- Chronologically and by how much jail time you'll do.

-Well...

Great job, guys.

You are cadets in training

and I put something out for you to find, and you found it.

What do you think you got here?

- A dir, dirty cop?

You re, retard.

- Those phone records connect you to four convicted felons.

The free car is two tons of proof.

- Ah, they love cops in county.

- An average human colon can smuggle three cellphones.

- Uh, (laughs) guys, this is just some phone bills

and handwritten notes.

It's not even evidence.

- Alvin.

- State of California versus Terrence Phelps.

Convicted and sentenced to 15 years based on phone records.

State of California versus Peter Mancuso.

Convicted and sentenced

to 15 years based on handwritten notes.

State of California versus Michael Serapili--

- All right.

What do you want?

- What we were promised.

We wanna be cops.

- Yeah, and if you got in, it should be a cake walk for us.

But we wanna be real police officers, no bullshit.

- Or you could smuggle cellphones

in your ass for cigarettes.

- Three of them, beep boop beep.

- No.

No.

You guys can't be cops.

You don't have the motor skills.

You don't have the ability.

- Wrong, we are cops.

We passed every test.

This is discrimination and you are the Ku Klux Klan!

(chair hisses)

- Not a chance.

- Great.

Guys, let's go.

If we can't be cops, neither can you.

- Uh, Captain Wynn's office is 113, right?

- Guys, wait, wait. No, don't.

All right, all right, stop.

God fucking...

Seriously?

Unbelievable!

What a damn day!

Fine!

You want me to teach you to be cops?

Fine, but I'm gonna show you how little you know!

And the only reason you guys are here

'cause you're a bunch of wobbly, gimpy spaz balls.

And now I gotta go find a short bus with a siren!

Unbelievable!

God!

(loud thud)

Fuck!

Perfect!

(screams)

- I like his new attitude!

(laughs)

- This is the department's firing range.

Today, we're gonna train like real cops.

I am videotaping you all with a high-speed camera

to show you how bad you suck

because I don't want you to be real cops.

Instead, I'd like you guys to be working

at a large box store, greeting people,

or making stuffed animals in small windowless rooms.

(shouting)

- Is the box store shaped like a box or does it sell boxes?

- Bu bu bu Bullshit!

- I've killed more people than you!

- You are awful!

- Shut up!

Now this

is a bullet.

On its own, it's inert, docile, and unlikely to kill,

but it needs its best friend, the semiautomatic pistol.

Now, a bullet doesn't kill unless

a semiautomatic pistol makes it go very, very fast.

But once you are holding a loaded weapon in your hand,

things change dramatically.

Now, the gun becomes the bullet and you become the gun.

Got it?

- Sorry, am I the gun or the bullet?

- You're the bullet!

- No, the gun is the bullet.

He's the gun.

- I thought the gun was the gun.

- Oh, this is stupid!

- I get it.

- Can I get, get a nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh,

nuh, nuh, nuh,

nuh, nuh, knife?

- Let's just shoot.

Mac.

(upbeat rock music)

(gun firing)

Five out of six, not bad.

You missed one.

Here's how to remember it:

Take your time and shoot the guy in the spine.

Sophie, you're up.

(upbeat rock music)

(gun firing)

(Garrett laughs)

Well, didn't hit one.

Just shows no matter how tough you are,

she still can't hit the broad side

of a barn with another barn.

There you go.

At the end of the day, you've gotta learn what you're doing.

And if you don't know what you're doing,

then you just gotta stop talk--

(gun fires loudly)

That's a pass.

Alvin, pick your poison.

(upbeat rock music)

(gun firing)

Well, you only hit one, but it was a killer.

- I hit all six.

- I only see one hole.

- Went through the same hole.

- Alvin, everybody misses sometimes.

- I didn't miss!

- Listen, this Mongo temper tantrum thing is

not gonna work with me.

You really think you put them all through one hole?

(laughs)

Fine.

Let's go to the high-speed video

and show you how bad you really suck.

- I always win at the carnival.

(upbeat rock music)

- Morgan, you're up.

Okay, I got you framed up, buddy.

Uh, can you control the, okay, aim at the tar-, okay.

Uh, you know what, Morgan, you don't have to do this.

You don't have to do this. - I got this.

(gun firing)

(screams)

(groans)

- You shot me in the ear!

You idiot!

Ow!

My ear is right next to my head, you dumb ass!

Ow!

- I asked for a nuh, nuh, knife!

(yelps)

- Online crime is a huge problem,

and the LAPD is proud to be in the frontline of cyber wars,

international espionage, and drug trafficking.

But our bread and butter,

where LA leads the world, is in pedophiles.

Is in catching pedophiles.

Now, this isn't easy, kids.

Takes a long time, sometimes days, weeks,

even months just to get-- - Done.

(computer beeping)

- What the hell is this?

- NORAD.

Do you want me to get some launch codes?

Long shot, but it'll take me a bit of time.

- Turn it off!

- It's okay, they can't see us.

I've routed through 14 different international servers.

They'll think we're North Korea.

- [Computer] Warning, tracking software detected.

- That's bad. (siren wailing)

- Go, everybody out, everybody out!

Go, go, go, go, go!

God!

(water splashes) (electricity crackles)

(yelps)

All right, I wanna welcome you guys

to the Van Nuys PD investigative training room.

Look around, observe, tell me what you see, kids.

Alvin, what do you got?

- It was bad.

(inhales loudly)

Very bad.

- Okay.

Mac, what do you got?

- Love triangle, lying, cheating.

Oh yeah, I've lived this.

The woman shot first, of course!

She winged this guy who loved her more than life itself!

But he was just half a man.

And then when her other lover tried to run because he can,

she killed him.

So no witnesses, but we know what you did, Marie!

Sick bitch shredded me!

- Well, that was frightening and complicated.

And totally inaccurate.

Morgan, what do you got?

- Druh, drug deal gone ba, ba, bad.

That guy still has crack in his hands.

Everyone started shooting at once

and the last one alive wanted

to make ID

impa, pa, possible.

Money, drugs left on the scene,

we're looking for a juh, juh, juh, junkie.

- That's exactly what I had them set up.

Oh my.

You have a knack.

But you know what, you really shouldn't talk.

All right. (loud thud)

Sophie, what do you got?

- These guys are drug dealers and junkies, right, Morgan?

- I'd buh, buh, bet on it!

- I know what he knows.

I wanna know what you know.

- I think it's a suicide.

- What? - Crack head, junkie, murder,

circle jerks, ain't worth my time.

I've got citizens to protect.

Tag 'em, bag 'em, chuck 'em in a landfill.

- Gentlemen, take note.

That's a cop.

- Welcome to the Van Nuys Police Training Center.

Today, I'll be your instructor, Sensei Nick Kahana.

I'm gonna be teaching you how to defend yourself

on the streets of Los Angeles, which is not an easy feat.

You!

Get up.

(groans)

(screams) (loud thud)

(loud thud) Come on!

(grunts)

(screams) (loud thud)

(loud thud) (grunts)

(loud thud) (grunts)

(loud thud) (grunts)

(loud thud)

(screams) (loud squish)

(upbeat drum music)

Garrett Fowler.

Heard about your new job, bro.

Rough.

- Everybody, this is Nick Kahana.

- Tell them the rest.

- Van Nuys PD hand-to-hand combat

and martial arts expert, Nick Kahana.

- Nick Kahana has worked very hard,

so Nick Kahana deserves respect.

So which one of the slow class, short bus,

tending the rabbits dummies

does Nick Kahana have to take out first?

- Uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm good.

- Nick Kahana will take out the biggest guy here.

I already kicked Garrett Fowler's ass.

Choked him out like I was his daddy.

Remember that, Garrett Fowler?

- Yeah, Nick, I remember.

It took me a couple weeks to remember, but I remember.

Hey, Alvin, do you want some more training?

- I already know everything in the whole world.

- Well, Nick Kahana is gonna teach you something new.

- Okay.

(screams)

(coughs softly)

(screams)

(screams)

I like that last move.

- Why isn't he doing anything?

Gotta touch him.

- Uh.

Hey, Nick, maybe you shouldn't.

- Just touch him?

- [Sophie] Yeah.

- Come on, retard. (Alvin gasps)

(screams)

(loud thud) (groans)

(screams)

(loud thud) - Ooh!

(loud thud)

(screams) (loud thud)

(groans)

(loud thud) (groans)

- Night, night, Nick Kahana.

Now, I'm going to poop on him.

- [All] Alvin!

- [Morgan] Congratulations.

- Hey, Garrett, as much as I don't trust you or the NRA

or coconut water,

I realize that you've helped us all.

Here, this is from everyone.

And I disarmed the C4 under your Charger, so no worries.

(laughs)

- That's mildly unnerving.

Holy crap.

It's a watch.

Thanks.

Good news is tomorrow,

you guys get your first real assignments.

- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- I gotta question though: The hell do I call you guys?

- I like Spartacus.

- No, I just mean there's so many different words.

Disabled, differently abled.

- If it's not my name,

you might as well call me gimp.

- Exactly.

- So you're cool with gimp?

Well, you know what my favorite is?

Wobblies, that one has the nice, light tone.

It's kind of Muppety feel to it.

Wobblies.

I'll work on it when I'm in the head.

- I gotta go, go too.

(urine splashing)

- Hey, hey, make it look like you're pissing,

not jerking off.

- [Morgan] Garrett, what do I do, do?

- Hold your dick still, buy a hose clamp.

I don't know.

- [Morgan] No, about Sophie.

- Uh, I wouldn't touch her dick.

- [Morgan] She's giving me the vibe

and would I get in trouble for, for fooling around with her?

- No, dude, if you're getting a vibe, what do I--

(toilet water splashes) Care.

You know, go for it.

- [Morgan] And stop tap, tapping my foot.

- Hilarious.

Wash your hands!

(toilet flushes)

(elegant guitar music)

- I had a great time with you tonight.

- Hey, you didn't stutter.

- Yeah, if I were an alcoholic,

I could be pruh, pruh, president.

(laughs)

- Mm.

You know, Garrett, he treats us like--

- Like real people.

No kid gloves.

- Like, he's kind of a dick.

- Sophie, we are who we are.

We screw up bad once,

we go back to being the joke.

I don't wanna be the joke.

I don't wanna be the retard.

And what I'm scared most of is

not being seen at all.

- I see you, Morgan.

Your mind is so sexy, Morgan.

- And the rest of me?

- That's pretty sexy too.

Come here, big boy.

- [Morgan] Yeah!

(exhales loudly)

(record scratches)

(loud thud)

- Oh my gosh, are you okay?

- I'm good.

That's why I walk this way.

(screams)

(heaves loudly)

- Captain, you all right?

(laughs)

- You scared us, sir.

- We're ruh, ready to be cuh, cuh, cops.

- Fowler, you gotta stop!

You gotta stop!

Okay, okay.

You wanna be real cops?

All right, well, as per the mayor,

here is your new assignment.

- Oh, I hate when he says, "As per the mayor."

- This is bullshit!

(groans)

(loud crash)

- Get her out of my office.

- Uh-oh.

(shouting)

- Shut up!

(sighs)

Guys, sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

(sighs)

- Look, pigeon!

- [All] Shut up, Alvin!

- We are not going in there without protection.

- This is not our required equipment though.

The Mayor said we are the face of the force.

- Alvin, he's giving us guns.

- Damn straight.

Listen, we are about to enter one

of the most dangerous places in America.

Anything can happen here

and to go in unarmed would be suicide.

You guys got your game faces on?

- Heck ya. - Yes!

- Let's do this.

- Do you know how bad school was for me?

- And me.

- School is where most lifetime psychosis is created.

- Yeah, man, that's why I became a cop,

to get even with these douche bags.

I remember thinking, oh, you pricks, if I had a gun.

(laughs)

I got better.

Went to the 10 year reunion,

everybody was all methy and had these Walmart bodies.

I win. (laughs)

- Yeah, I loved school.

I was on track team, volleyball, homecoming king,

debate team, gymnastics, science club.

Oh, plus, I double teamed my French and English teachers.

School was awesome!

Hey.

Little help here!

- Call your English teacher.

(upbeat rock music)

- Oh, aren't they just adorable!

- They're police officers, ma'am.

- Oh, come on, not really.

(Garrett sighs)

- What do you want us to do?

- Can the midget dance?

- No, the midget can't dance.

But it can punch you in the box!

- [Teacher] Oh my.

- Sorry, she's a little bit grumpy.

She was up late last night making shoes.

- Yeah, and my Cabbage Patch underwear keeps riding up.

- Okay.

I'll just introduce you.

- Garrett, this is bull, bull, bull--

- I know!

Look, guys, just be good cops, all right?

We'll go out there, inspire the kids,

tell them to say no to drugs and pedophiles,

and then we'll get drunk and find a strip club, okay?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Kids, I know you're eagerly anticipating,

so without further waiting, I'd like to introduce some

of Los Angeles's finest special officers.

(upbeat dance music)

- Hey kids!

Uh, my name's Detective Fowler.

I'd like to introduce you to the Special Unit

of the Los Angles Police Department.

We are a team.

Let's hear it for Mac.

(children applauds) (upbeat dance music)

(laughing)

(dramatic guitar music)

(bottle crashes)

(children laughing)

(children cheer)

All right, yeah--

- Follow that, Stretch. - All right, now,

let's meet our Special Officer Sophie!

- Watch this, little bitches.

Ta-da!

(children cheer)

- So now, let's welcome Officer Morgan.

- Alvin, give me your gun.

- Okay.

- [Garrett] No, no, no, no, give me the gun.

- I got this.

Hi Kids.

Guns aren't cool.

They're awesome!

(children cheer)

But you have to know what you're doing.

- Susie!

Michael!

We're going to Disney Land!

And your mother's not coming with us!

(children cheer)

- Alvin.

- Hello.

I know everything in the whole world.

- Oh yeah?

How about 5,842 times 280?

- 1,635,760.

(children cheer)

- We are trained professionals.

So, kids, don't do this at home.

Do it in the field.

- Away from your parents.

- Would you like to see Alvin shoot

an apple off our boss's head?

(children cheer)

- Bite me, you big, gimpy spaz ball..

- He never misses.

- So, uh, you're not gonna shoot a gun in here, right?

- [Children] Shoot it, shoot it--

- Uh.

Uh, the bullets are actually school-approved.

- [Children] Shoot it, shoot it--

- Use my gun.

I trust it.

- [Children] Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it,

shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it,

shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it,

shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it,

shoot it, shoot it, shoot--

(gun fires)

(children cheer)

- Guys, give it up for the Special Unit!

- She loves the men's choir at the church,

especially the baritones!

Kids, we're going some place, to Disney Land!

(gun fires)

- Someone's shooting!

- I've got this.

Kids, lockdown drill!

Now!

(locks clanking)

- Well, thank God we're not destroying their innocence.

Morgan, call it in.

- This is Officer Morgan.

We, we have a, a, a, a, have a shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo--

- Give me that!

It's Officer Garrett Fowler.

We have a 246 at the Anne Frank Elementary School.

Send SWAT, send a helicopter, everything you got.

Learn to speak English.

- See Mickey and Minnie,

and we'll say hello to Goofy.

And she doesn't love me anymore.

That's what she said.

Susie!

Michael!

- [Susie and Michael] Dad?

- That's your dad?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Mac, take care of them.

- [Mac] Mike, Susie, get over here.

- It's Michael, not Mike.

- [Mac] Get over here now!

- Mom and dad are getting divorced.

- It's okay, don't worry.

We got this.

- Kids, get on stage now!

Get on stage now!

Go, go!

- He's coming down the hallway.

- Come on, come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on.

Close the curtains now!

(melancholic piano and guitar music)

(gun firing)

(gun firing)

(loud thud)

(screams)

- My finger!

(screams)

Now they won't let me--

- As for you, scumbag--

- No!

- [Father] Ow, my finger!

- It's okay.

It's okay.

You know, my parents were together 40 years?

(laughs)

(sighs loudly)

But this is good too.

- All right, Mac, get them outta here.

- Let's go, guys.

- What about the other keh, kids?

- This could scar them forever.

- I got it.

(whimpers)

And that, kids, is why you should always,

always, question everything.

The world is a place that will look you

in the face and lie to you.

It'll tell you, "Everything is safe," when nothing ever is.

So pay attention.

Trust no one.

And maybe, just maybe, you won't get shivved

in a gas station bathroom before you're 30.

(sirens wailing)

Got it?

(children sobbing)

(helicopter whirs)

Oh, no way.

Take that.

(laughs)

(phone buzzing) (phone ringing)

Hello, Captain.

- Live ammo?

In a school?

- Sir, they stopped the shooter.

- You are fired!

You're fired!

- Captain, nobody even got hurt.

Would you be happy if somebody got killed?

- Fowler, you're a disease.

You're like human Ebola!

You know, when you're around,

people's eyes bleed and their bowels liquefy!

You know what? You know what?

I'm happy because I knew you would fail.

In my office, tomorrow, 8:00 a.m.!

You're over! - Captain, wait!

God!

(loud crash)

Ugh.

Could somebody please get me an evidence bag?

(loud pounding)

(loud pounding)

(loud pounding)

What?!

- Gun! - Alvin, wait.

(loud thud) (screams)

(loud crash)

(Garrett coughs)

- Now, I'm going to poop on him.

- Alvin! - Alvin!

- Ah, ah, Alvin!

- That is some good coffee, Alvin.

That is some gourmet shit.

- I don't need you to tell me

how F-ing good my coffee is, okay?

I know how good it is.

I'm the one who buys it.

Bonnie goes shopping, she buys poop.

I buy the gourmet expensive stuff

'cause when I drink it, I wanna taste it.

But you know what's on my mind right now?

It ain't the coffee in my kitchen.

It's the dead negro in my garage.

- What the hell?

Alvin-- - He's doing Pulp Fiction.

- What?

- Pulp Fiction, the kitchen scene from Pulp Fiction.

Alvin, do you remember everything?

- Pulp Fiction, directed by Quentin Tarantino,

shot in 1993, released in 1994.

Alvin's seen the movie once.

- Watch.

Which wallet's yours?

- It's the one that says Bad Mother F-er.

(laughing)

- That's amazing, Alvin.

That's my favorite movie.

Classic! - Open it up.

- What? - Take it out, count it.

How much is in there?

- Oh my god, he's still doing it.

- Hey.

Alvin.

Here.

(gasps)

- We're ruh, ready to be real cops.

- Yeah, no lying this time.

We want a real case, not some publicity stunt.

- Hey, hey, you're doing so well right now.

Why won't we just keep everything as it is?

- I, I knew it.

Cool cop sold us out.

- Cool.

Have you met me?

I can't sleep unless I'm hammered.

I steal, I cheat, I lie, I do what I have to do,

which is what you guys should do.

- You always take protection money from drug dealers.

Once a conman, always a conman.

- You know what?

I took a job with the melon heads.

One of them can't reach a high shelf.

Another one can't say a word with the letter B in it.

- Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh,

buh, buh, buh, buh, buh--

- Stop.

Don't hurt yourself.

Another one can't chase a bank robber

unless he's got ramp access.

And this one is just a violent,

fetish-having Wikipedia page.

You can't teach the disabled to be cops.

Just wear your badges, smile for the kids,

cash your checks, and shut up.

- So it was a lie.

We were never gonna be cops?

Wow, you suck, sir.

- I thought you were a good guy, geh, Garrett.

- You're a class A loser.

- Garrett lies.

Hitler lied.

- Okay.

I will talk to the captain again.

And he'll say no again.

Get out of my home, melon heads.

(door thuds)

(laughs)

- Oh yeah, real cops, badges and everything.

- They're trained.

They'd be amazing undercover.

Nobody would ever suspect them!

Look at what they did at that school!

- I did tell you you were fired, right?

You took unqualified rookie cadets to a school shooting!

- The school shooting came to us!

- You fired live rounds into a school!

That is Olympic level of stupid!

You are done, over, and I am glad.

Give me your gun.

- Oh.

Er, hi, sorry to bug you guys.

- [Both] Margie, get out!

- Okay, but Detective Fowler needs to be

at a press conference in five minutes!

It's the mayor's orders.

Okay, let's move our heinies!

- I gotta go see the mayor.

- I want them in front of the camera talking

about how great this department is.

- Hell no.

They're about to be undercover detectives.

We can't put their pictures on television.

That would be, that would be retarded.

- He's got a point, Mayor.

We can't do it.

- If you were mayor, you'd do it.

- You're right. I'd do it.

- We can't do it!

- I want those little spazzies in the pressroom in five

or I will set you both on fire!

(angry mumbling)

Give me 20.

- Good afternoon, everyone.

Thank you for being here.

Um.

I am pleased to announce that the definition

of police officer has changed today.

These officers are in disguise to hide their identities.

Now, police work has gone to the next level.

It's Detective 2.0.

Now these officers, they may be considered disabled,

but that word has a broad definition.

Uh, being emotionally vacant,

lacking in morals,

lying, could all be considered disabilities,

but these officers right here stopped a school shooting.

They are capable of anything a normal,

morally bankrupt, alcoholicky,

impotent officer is.

This is Michael Pace.

He's responsible for the school shooting.

He is a father going through a bitter divorce.

Now, breakups, as we all know, can be hard

and sometimes make you psychotic and stupid,

but he is undergoing psychiatric evaluation,

which I think is a great idea

when you have darkness in your soul.

So we are here to congratulate

and thank these very brave officers.

And I am pleased to introduce their training officer.

Give him a hand.

(audience applauds)

- Hello.

Sorry for the disguises,

but we're trying to protect the identities of our officers.

I'd like to take the first question.

- A lot of people are saying that

this is just a publicity tool.

- Really?

You think it's a publicity tool?

Why don't you ask an officer,

who is actually in a wheelchair, if it's a publicity tool?

- Uh, do you mean a publicity tool

like the moon landing or gluten?

Then no.

Thank you very much.

- Next question.

- Who's the toughest one?

I mean, the most capable.

I mean, you know, the least disabledlessness.

- That, tha, tha, tha, that would be me.

It was my idea

to go, go, go, go, go,

go, go,

go after the ta, ta, target

and my tea, tea, team fuh, fuh, fuh, followed.

- Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, bullshit.

This idiot would be dead if I weren't there.

- Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, hey!

- Knock it off!

Any other questions?

- Obviously, there's no team feeling yet,

but what does it feel like to be

the first disabled police squad?

- How does it feel to be a reporter

after the internet killed your job?

- Shut up! - No, you shut up!

(shouting)

- Just shut it!

Just knock it off!

You guys gotta stop!

Knock it off, you guys!

Yeah, the mayor's right here, you idiots!

(shouting)

- Hello!

Hello, hello.

Hello.

I'm Batman.

- Oh shit.

- First of all,

our nation cannot tolerate discrimination of any kind.

That's why the Americans with Disabilities Act is

so important and must be honored everywhere.

It is a civil rights law that's tearing down barriers.

Its purpose is to give the disabled access

not only to buildings but to every opportunity in society.

I strongly believe our nation must give its full support

to the caregivers who are helping people

with disabilities live independent lives.

When we put our minds to a problem,

we can usually find solutions.

But America has a tradition many nations probably envy.

We frequently achieve the impossible.

That's what got us from one coast to another.

That's what got us the largest economy in the world.

That's what got us to the moon.

President Roosevelt showed us

that a man who could barely lift himself out of a wheelchair

could still lift a nation out of despair.

And I believe it too, and so does this administration.

The most important principle FDR taught us:

America does not let its needy citizens fend for themselves.

America is stronger when all of us take care of all of us.

Giving new life to that ideal is

the challenge before us tonight.

I'm here to protect you.

Thank you very much.

I'm Batman.

(crowd applauds)

- That was the most touching thing

I've ever heard in my life.

Is there anymore questions?

- Alvin.

What the hell was that?

That was incredible.

Brilliant.

- Christopher Reeve's, Democratic National Convention, 1996.

Superman couldn't walk.

- [Garrett] That's brilliant!

(Garrett laughs)

- You're touching me.

- Uh, oh, oh!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

- It's okay.

I won't poop on you.

- Alvin, you gotta promise me

you're not gonna read Hustler magazine anymore.

- Okay.

- Alvin.

Great job.

- Puh, puh, puh, puh, perfect!

- Pretty impressive, dumb ass.

They just might keep us around after all.

So, do we get to be cops now?

- Fowler, in my office now.

- I think that's a no.

- [Sophie] This is bullshit!

(loud crash) - Hey, Mayor!

Whatever you have to say, you can say it to my partners.

- Oh.

Oh, okay.

Well, you little school shooting stopping heroes,

you're going to go to every school in my district.

You're gonna make that change

in every one of those sweet little kids.

- So more of the same do nothing fake cop crap?

Garrett!

- Yeah.

They stopped a mass shooting

and you wanna make them clowns at kids' parties?

- I can't risk them getting hurt.

That would be a public relation nightmare for me.

- For you?

- Unless, Detective, you would like to be fired

for bringing live weapons into a gun-free zone.

- What a buh, buh, buh, buh,

buh, buh, buh, buh, buh--

- Stop.

Just finish it.

- Bitch.

(gasps)

- We earned our badges.

- Yes, you did, and you will wear them proudly.

In the schools.

- She's right, guys.

We should just proudly go back inside

and talk to all the reporters

and let them know how full of shit our mayor really is.

- Oh, watch it!

- No, you watch it.

These guys did what only 3% of the population could do.

They stopped a mass shooting.

They're cops.

They are my partners.

And I will walk back in that room

and I will talk to any reporter who'll listen

and tell them what the real deal is with our mayor.

Or you can just give them a real assignment.

- Or we take to the press a story

about a condescending, lying, deal-breaking mayor.

- Who screwed over a bunch of little disabled heroes.

- Batman isn't needed here.

- I love these guys.

- [Morgan] Buh, buh, buh--

- All right, fine!

Fine, you are real cops,

but you will dance for your badges.

- Oh, one more thing, you have to take Garrett to dinner.

- [Both] What?

No! - It's not negotiable.

- Fine.

Okay, Chick-fil-Loser, Tuesday.

And don't expect anything.

- You either.

Really, guys?

- [Announcer] You're listening to KWRD The Word,

and coming up at the top of the hour,

we have DJ Sully Stone who is gonna be interviewing some

of Los Angeles's most special Police Officers!

- What we're gonna do is we're just

kinda ease into this today.

I'm gonna talk to you all about what it's like to be

an undercover cop in the face of a disability.

Is that all right?

- Sure. - Good. All right.

So let's go ahead and put on our headsets.

All right, everyone good?

All right, let's get to it then.

Gonna count it down in three, two...

All right!

You're tuned in to KWRD The Word, all talk radio!

Sully in the house with you here!

and Hoo-hoo!

Joining me in the studio today,

I have got an amazing group of undercover police officers

and I have never seen anything like this.

Mm, mm-mm!

Now they're cops, but I feel like I just stepped

into a Final Fantasy video game!

I got my elf, my gargoyle,

my wizard on the wheels, and a mutant!

- Thank you.

- What is it like to be a police officer

and to serve the public?

- Uh, it's great.

We get to do something no one's ever done before.

And being the first disabled--

- Yeah, that's what I wanna talk about!

Do you prefer midget, elf, or dwarf?

- Actually-- - I'm gonna hold that!

You're listening to KWRD and we got the mutant cops!

This is Sully!

Oh my gosh, that was great, guys.

Super opening.

- [Tara] Thank you.

- My god, you look so gorgeous.

- Relax, this is a meal, not a future.

- I'm sorry what I did to us.

I should never have done it.

I screwed up our relationship and you were everything to me.

You were my princess, you were my queen,

you were my Beyonce.

- Garrett!

Again, this is dinner, not foreplay.

I just wanted to show my appreciation

for everything that you did with the special ones.

- You don't know their names, do you?

- Yes, I know their names.

- Really? - Yes.

- Okay, so you have Mac. - Mac.

- Uh-huh, and then there's Morgan.

- Morgan.

Uh-huh, and there's Sophie.

- Sophie-ah.

- Ah, and then there's Al--

- Albert.

- Alvin.

(Garrett laughs)

I never thought I'd be sitting across from you again

unless it was at my execution.

And I didn't think I would say this either,

but I wanna thank you for giving me this assignment,

job, whatever you wanna call it 'cause,

have to be honest, those guys, they're pretty amazing.

- So you're telling me the word retard is offensive to you?

- Only if used as an insult, like,

"I think the way you talk on the radio is retarded,"

the way you think of disabled people is retarded,

so hence, you would be a retard.

- You are not sounding like this city's tiny,

little disabled heroes, hmm?

- Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh--

- Let me get this straight,

you guys think retard is the same as the N-word?

- Actually, if you've read your history,

you would know that the US has

never enslaved disabled people.

- And they never would.

What about the Special Olympics?

- But it would have made the competition

a lot more fierce, am I right?

- You motherfuck-- - We're gonna be back

right after this word from our sponsors!

Phenomenal, guys.

Phenomenal.

- I had it all, man.

I had the golden boobs and I blew it.

- Goose.

Golden goose.

- What'd I say?

- Boobs.

- That too.

And I know that you gave me this job

because you wanted me to screw it up so you could fire me.

You were right to think that.

I should've been fired.

- Garrett, what is this?

- It's the man I became

after the best thing in my life left.

- Garrett, these are drug dealers.

Top guys.

- And the numbers next to them

are what they paid me for protection.

- How long have you been doing this?

- Long enough to do time.

A lot of it.

And hey, I'll do it.

But I want you to promise to make them real cops.

Real cops, that's all the way want, Tara.

They just wanna be cops.

I can't even remember when that was enough for me.

So if you'll do that, I'll take the heat,

then I'll get out of your life.

- What kind of dumb ass keeps records

of his criminal activity?

- The little heroes put it together!

And I still have an out.

I would just say I was long-term deep undercover

and then when the records came out, that would just be

reasonable doubt. - Reasonable doubt.

- There's my little prosecutor.

But I'm not gonna cover my ass anymore.

- Burn this.

- No, I'm coming clean!

- Do you have any idea what I had to do

to become mayor of Van Nuys?

Well, some of it involves my boobs!

Hi.

- Look, I just want you to know I'm sorry.

(groans loudly)

- God!

Stop saying that or I will vomit right here!

Are you done with this?

- Yes.

Yes, I promise.

I called them and I told them.

I'm a real cop again.

Come on, I'm a real cop again.

- [Tara] Let's go to a movie

and get some popcorn like we used to.

- I will get the car.

- Okay.

(laughs)

And I will get the check.

- Isn't this nothing but a publicity ploy

by the mayor to get more votes?

- Wow, how insightful.

Don't you usually interview strippers?

- Actually, no, your mom hasn't been in recently, ha!

Hey, you better listen up here, gimpy,

I got two million listeners

and an attitude like that's gonna get you hurt.

- Morgan.

- Alvin, no, no, no.

- Caller, you're on the air.

What do you got for me?

- [Caller] This is a question for the midget.

- Really?

- [Caller] Listen, is Santa an asshole or not?

- That's a good question.

And also, do they get medical in the Lollipop Guild?

- Alvin, now!

- We'll buh, buh, be right ba, ba, back.

(Garrett whistling)

(loud thud) (upbeat rock music)

(loud pounding) - Open the door!

- Oh, Tara, this radio douche bag is really a...

What?

(thudding)

Okay, where are you?

Okay, we'll be there in just a second.

We gotta go!

(mumbling)

- Blood on the ground.

Size 13 shoe print.

Tire tracks.

He was knocked out by a big dude.

They took his car.

(sniffs)

He had kale and goat cheese.

- If we can get the camera feed, we can see who took him.

New security cameras are wireless.

Easily hacked.

Well, if you're me.

- [Sophie] That's his car.

Who the hell is that?

- I don't know. I'm gonna track him.

- How?

- The watch I gave him has a GPS locator

and a short-range Bluetooth microphone.

- Wow.

What else can it do?

- It's also a watch.

- Wow.

- Yeah, I also have cameras at his apartment.

If you don't watch everybody, you can get--

- Can we please just go find Garrett?

- Yeah, let's find Garrett.

(groans)

- You're undercover and you actually wear

a Van Nuys PD T-shirt?

- All my white ones got puke on them.

(loud thud) - You protect these guys?

You give them information, but you try and bust me?

- I still have to be a cop, right?

Someone has to go down.

You're the new guy, you get the winning lottery ticket.

(loud thud) (groans)

(Garrett coughs)

Ugh. - And now you think

you're not gonna help us anymore, ese?

No more protection from Detective Garrett Fowler?

No way.

We own you, homes.

- Julio, with your credit rating,

you really can't own anything.

(loud thud) (groans)

God! - We're not gonna

let you, homes.

Hm!

You're our inside guy.

We need you.

You keep helping us, or you'll end up

like those two cops I buried up in Barstow.

- [Garrett] Huh?

- Garrett, we've been friends a long time.

Why you never not wanna be my friend no more now?

- I think we can all agree it's your grammar.

(loud thud) (groans)

- Okay. You gotta gun?

- Nuh, nuh, no.

- [Sophie] Good.

- I got a nuh, knife.

- All right.

- Is that a new shotgun?

- Yeah.

Full assault.

Twice the load of my old one.

- Sexy.

(upbeat guitar music)

(upbeat guitar music)

(loud thud)

- Night, night.

- That was incredible.

How'd you do that?

- Pressure points.

(gasps) Uh-oh.

(inhales loudly)

- That was incredible.

- Yeah.

(upbeat guitar music)

- What the hell is this?

- You put everything in here, puto?

Everything we ever did?

Everything we ever paid you for?

What kind of dumb ass keeps records

of all his criminal activity like this?

- Once a cop, always a cop.

He was setting us up.

- No.

It was a gift for my girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

- You gave your girlfriend evidence

of our criminal activity?

- You know, I thought if I gave her the evidence,

then I would go to jail and she would love me again.

- Love is a fickle mistress, homes.

I can say this, it was good while it lasted, huh?

(elegant guitar music)

I remember when you called me and you said we were over.

It hurt.

And you said you didn't wanna see me anymore

and we should go our separate ways.

And here I see you with a folder.

A folder about us.

Go wash my car!

(upbeat guitar music)

And for that, you die, cop!

(loud thud) - Police!

Freeze! (guns firing)

Drop the weapons now!

(loud boom)

Holy hell.

- We heard gunshots!

- Was that gunshots?

- [Julio] Kill them!

- Not today!

(soft thud) (screams)

- Ow!

Goddammit, Morgan!

- Sorry!

- What is this?

Maybe he's not a cop!

- LAPD, you are under arrest!

- A cripple, a midget, and whatever

the hell is wrong with him?

This is your backup, Fowler?

He doesn't even have a gun!

- Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh--

- Shut up!

You're dead, gimp!

- Alvin!

(gun firing)

- Their names are Mac, Morgan, and Sophie.

My name is Alvin.

Nice to meet you.

(groans)

(laughs)

(screams)

(loud squish) - Oh no!

Oh, now...

Now I'm pissed.

Alvin, if he moves, I want you to shoot him in the eye.

- I got it.

- [Garrett] The left eye.

- My left or his left?

- Dealer's choice.

- My left.

- Well, Julio, (laughs) looks like

you (groans) have four attempted murder charges.

You're really ambitious, aren't you?

- Well all that evidence, is evidence against you too.

I hope you're in the cell next to me, puto.

- Yeah, well, you'll probably get your wish.

- Hey, Fowler.

(loud thud) (groans)

Finally feel like a real cop.

- Yeah.

(chuckles)

Me too.

- [Officers] LAPD!

- All right, everybody, freeze.

Fowler!

- Captain, what the hell are you doing here?

- Well, the mayor called.

What's going on?

- Bad guys doing bad guy stuff.

This whole place is just full of evidence.

- So is that folder.

- Get them outta here.

- Uh, Captain, that's nothing.

That's just my evidence.

- Oh yeah, sure looks like it is.

- Hey, where the hell's Alvin?

- I'm right here.

(belt buckle jingling)

- Alvin took those first three guys out with Mac's help.

The two dead guys, that was all Sophie.

This, I just got stabbed in the shoulder.

- And that was all, all me.

- The hell is that smell?

And what is on his chest?

- That's our calling card, sir.

That's our calling card.

You're kinda disgusting.

- Yeah.

(slow rock music)

- [Captain] Oh, Fowler!

- Oh.

Sir, there it is.

Thank you-- - Fowler, do you know

when your faith in God is renewed?

- Not even a little bit.

- When something happens that you've been praying for.

Do you know what this is?

- Sir, it's--

- It's a 10-year prison sentence

for a cop who I knew was dirty, but I couldn't prove it.

I've already called IA.

I might even put you in custody tonight.

In fact, Garrett Fowler,

you have the right to remain silent--

- Captain, I need Detective Garrett right now!

The mayor called an emergency press conference.

- Oh, Detective Fowler's unavailable.

He's about to-- - Ooh!

She told me to grab this!

Thanks!

(laughs)

- I have to go see the mayor again.

(door thuds)

(loud crash)

- This city owes a big debt to the officers behind me.

They stopped a menace to the city.

Let's give them a big hand.

(crowd applauds)

Now, these officers stopped three drug dealers

that were terrorizing the city of Van Nuys and its citizens.

Garrett Fowler has been working

this case for 10 years undercover.

The evidence is ironclad.

These criminals are gonna go away

for a very, very long time.

Now, some criminals never go to jail

for the horrible, horrible things that they do,

but because of Detective Fowler and his

partners,

Van Nuys is a safer place to live.

Let's give them another hand.

(crowd applauds)

Yes, he is the best.

Just gets better and better everyday, right?

- [Garrett] Yep, better everyday.

- You two need to get a room.

- Wuh, wuh, wuh, we are.

- The underground bunkers are placed around the country,

Denver Airport, under Tesla Motors factory,

and Giant's Stadium.

Did they embed the chip in your arm yet?

I cut mine out.

Here.

- Okay.

- Wait.

Wait, you can check for yourself!

- Women.

Can't live with them, can't live without them.

Can't bake cookies with them.

Can't take them to men's bathroom.

- Hi Alvin.

- Hi Margie Pretty.

- Pretty's not my last name.

- Yes, it is.

(gasps)

- Wow.

- I canceled my subscription to Hustler magazine.

- Okay. Okay.

- Oh, hi!

We are just so proud of you.

Is it okay if my son says hi?

- Hi, I'm Billy and I wanna be a detective just like you!

And shoot bad guys!

Bang, bang, bang! - Gun!

(loud thud)

(upbeat rock music)

- What the hell?

You guys working with Make-A-Wish now?

(laughs)

LAPD is a carnival freak show!

The worst!

(loud thud)

(coughs) - Good job, officers.

Have a safe night.

(upbeat rock music)

- The hell happened to the car?

- [Garrett] I upgraded.

- Badass.

- Morgan.

- Yeah? - You're driving.

- Let's roll.

- Oh.

(Garrett sighs)

- Wait!

- God, you idiot.

(upbeat dance music)

- [Radio] Car 723, officers are requesting

an investigative team.

2100, block of Hatteras, cross street, Tujunga.

(siren wails)

- [Morgan] This is Officer Morgan.

We, we have a, ha, ha, ha, ha--

- [Garrett] Give me that!

♪ Pain inside my heart

♪ Trouble stay on my mind

♪ Everything falls apart

♪ It's happening all the time

♪ Living by Murphy's Law

♪ Trying to have it all

♪ Running from instant karma

♪ Every man's bound to fall

♪ Life is short, the grind is long

♪ Some of my very best friends are gone

♪ My hustle's strong, my money's all spent

♪ On buying bitches, titties, and drugs and rent

♪ Work a double shift grind, I can't save a dime

♪ My daughter needs medicine I just can't afford

- He's also naked, so basically,

he came after me with two hammers.

(laughing)

You guys, I gotta say that after working

with you guys for four weeks,

I'm still pretty sure you idiots are gonna get

me killed, but

I'm impressed.

- Damn right, you are.

- You should be.

- Hello, what would you like?

- I'm gonna have the Baja Burrito and a Bud.

- May I say, you are a saint for working

with these kind of people.

Them and their kind, they have every right

to be out in public, no matter how bad

they creep people out, yeah.

So what will they have?

- Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,

fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh--

- Stop it!

- Fuh-- - Stop your tantrum right now!

You guys, I am tired of your tantrums.

I will not have you guys destroy this place.

- Destroy?

- Yeah, I take them on these trips all the time

to get them out in public so they don't act

like those people like you said.

I know what you're talking about.

And they have trashed every place

I have taken them to, and I am tired of it!

This is a very, very, very nice lady,

and she does not need a bunch of gimps

messing her place up!

- Oh my. - Do you got it?

- Can you stop it?

- Well, as long as you don't use their trigger word.

- What is it?

- Starts with an R and ends with a D.

- All right, and D, R and D.

Oh, retard.

(screaming)

- You said it. You said it.

Why'd you say it? Don't say it!

- No. No, please.

Please, no. Please.

Oh! No!

No, please!

No, please stop!

Oh!

No! Oh!

No, please!

Please, no!

- Our kind are so unpredictable!

- Apologies for our rude behavior.

- We were a, a, atrocious.

- Sorry.

- Yeah, I know that everybody left

and they probably didn't tip.

So this, all of it, is for you.

Sorry you had to deal with those people.

- You!

(car revs) (tires screech)

You don't deserve your own Olympics!

("Invisible man" by Cityzen)