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♪ ♪

Woman: ♪ You so crazy ♪

Man: ♪ What you wanna say when you wanna get funky ♪

Martin Lawrence: ♪ I'm-- I'ma tell you the truth ♪

(rap beat playing)

♪ I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ I'ma-- I'ma-- I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪ ♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪ ♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪ ♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪ ♪ My baby ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪ ♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪ ♪ I'ma-- I'ma-- I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪ ♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪

♪ ♪

(cheering and applause) ♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ My baby ♪

(cheering intensifies) ♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ You so crazy... ♪

Audience: (chanting) Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

Go, Martin! Go, Martin! Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

Go, Martin! Go, Martin! ♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

Go, Martin! Go, Martin! ♪ Make it funky ♪

Go, Martin! Go, Martin! Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

Go, Martin! Go, Martin! ♪ My baby ♪

Go, Martin! Go, Martin! ♪ I'ma tell you the truth. ♪

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

(cheering and applause)

Yeah! What's up?

(audience shouts)

That's right. That's right.

I hear the ladies hollering for me, like I'm fine.

(cheering and applause)

Shit, y'all ain't gonna have me believing

I'm fine in this motherfucker.

I remember I couldn't get the women back in the day.

Now I got women fucking me, talking about,

"I don't know what it is about you."

(laughter, applause)

Wouldn't happen to be this 100 grand

in my motherfucking pocket, would it?

Thank y'all for coming out.

This means a lot. I'm having fun.

I'm even noticing white people are coming out now.

You guys like me now, huh?

Y'all never used to say shit to me.

"Just move out the way, nigger, move."

Now white people are like, "Hey, Martin,

you fucking go, boy!"

(laughter, applause)

(mouths words)

Ha!

Yeah, but I got to fuck with you, 'cause I like you.

I gotta talk about this thing called racism.

It bothers me. It fucks with me.

I cannot believe racism still exists.

(applause)

It fucks me up when some white people

don't accept black people in America,

'cause you brought us to this motherfucker.

We was in Africa, chillin'.

♪ Amdanah, anah-nah, amdanah, nah-nah-nah-nah ♪

♪ Amdanah, anah, ah, ah. ♪

Motherfucking titty free, right?

Just chillin'.

White people told us there's a party on a boat.

We got on a wrong boat, wound up in America.

They made us wear clothes, covering our shit up.

Uh-uh. Tonight, baby, we're going back to Africa.

Black people, ladies, pull out your titties. Let's go.

(laughter) Pull out your titties.

Come on, just pull the motherfucker out.

Show a nipple. It's all right.

If you've got raisin titties, I'd let them flow.

I don't care.

But racism fucks with me, man. It bothers me.

That's why I-- Look, America is the best country in the world.

But I'm not the motherfucker to call during war.

Don't call me. They call me, I'm like this:

"I'm sorry,

"I can't motherfucking go.

(laughter, applause)

I already done been in a war, motherfucker."

My lady gonna say, "What you doing?"

"Bitch, do what I do before they draft your ass!"

And I know there's some people out there-- white people going,

"Oh, my God, is he on this whole racial thing?"

But ask yourself, "Does racism still exist?"

Audience: Yes. You're motherfucking right it still exists.

The Rodney King ass-whupping

was a prime example of that shit.

And they didn't just whup Rodney's ass.

They whiz-az-az-az-azupped Rodney's ass.

And Rodney kept getting up.

I ain't understanding shit.

I'd have been just like a little bitch, chillin'--

(screams) --with the ass-whupping.

But, see, Rodney kept getting up

'cause, see, that's how black people are.

We don't stay down for nobody.

(cheers, applause) You know what I'm saying?

Rodney had that Kunta Kinte spirit in him and shit.

You know, you remember

fucking Kunta Kinte was running his ass off.

And Kunta said, "I got to be free."

They cut off his foot. Kunta was like this.

"Fuck it."

They cut off both his shit. He just...

(laughter, applause)

Shit.

Motherfucker kept running.

We weren't bullshitting with that Rodney King thing.

Was not playing that night.

But that was the nicest, though,

white people had ever been, wasn't it?

You could get over in traffic that night, couldn't you?

"Excuse me, white man, can I get over?"

"Sure, come on. Just come on.

Fucking go ahead, bu-u-uddy."

And then... then at night, man,

I was watching television.

They had the nerve to air "Driving Miss Daisy,"

showing you how shit it used to be.

Morgan Freeman talking that shit--

"Oh, come on now, Miss Daisy,

I's trying to drive you to the store."

Shit, I wish I had starred in that motherfucker, y'all.

The dialogue would have been a little different.

"Bitch, shut the fuck up.

"I'm trying to drive your stanking ass to the store.

"Suck my dick, Miss Daisy, you stank--

"Bitch, get your ass up out the car.

"Get the fuck up out the car, bitch.

Get your ass on out the car."

(laughter, applause)

(chuckles)

And the media was getting jokes in on us and shit, wasn't it?

The media think they're slick.

White media will have some jokes for our ass.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

"They just looted another supermarket.

"I can guarantee you, if you come down here,

"all the chicken is gone,

all the watermelon and malt liquor is gone."

That's all they showed that night,

was black people coming out the store with shit.

Black people, black people coming out the store with shit.

They even showed me one time coming out with some shit.

You know, 'cause I had to be down with my people.

But they didn't say shit about the Mexicans.

Nothing. And tell the truth.

Come on now. Mexicans got them some shit.

I love the Mexicans.

Hasta la vista and Chavez to you.

But you got you some shit.

And Mexicans didn't even know what the quarrel was about.

They just saw an opportunity to get some free shit.

I had Mexicans roll up on me, crying,

(in Latino accent) "Yo, my man,

"this is fucked up.

"This should never fucking happen.

"The way they beat Rodney Dangerfield was wrong.

(laughter, applause)

He don't get no respect."

It was crazy. We gotta get over this racial hump.

We have to. It's very important.

What fucks me up, though-- I just wish white people would tell us

what bothers them about us.

Like, white people, I can tell you what bothers me about you.

You motherfuckers too gipper.

You know this is your country. "Hello, darkie.

(laughter)

Move, darkie."

They know they have America, man.

I just wish white people would admit to it.

Like, white people, admit you hate--

like, when you're in a movie theater

and you see black people walk in the movie theater.

Yeah, you want to get the black dollars,

but you want us to see that shit in our own neighborhood.

When they see black people walk in the theater, like, "Oh, fuck.

"Honey, look. Fuck, look, look.

"The one in the X hat. Look up, the one in the goddamn X hat.

Watch, they sit right behind us. Watch."

'Cause they know, when we walk into a movie,

we're gonna talk all the way through that motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying? And we don't holler corny shit out.

That's just how we are, black people. We're emotional.

We don't holler corny shit out. White people holler corny shit out.

"Look out.

"Watch out. I hope he doesn't get hurt.

Someone hold your horses."

Black people don't do that shit.

"Watch out, bitch!

"The motherfucker got the knife!

"Bitch, watch it!

Oh, you dumbass motherfucker!"

(cheers, whistles)

And white people want to tell us to shut up bad, right?

But they're scared they're gonna get their ass kicked.

So they don't say nothing. They just gesture.

(sighs)

And go tell on you and shit.

Them some telling motherfuckers, isn't it?

(laughter, applause)

(mouthing words)

And is it me,

but don't some white people get funky with your ass

when there's a lot of white people

and you're the only black person?

They get funky with you, right?

They act like you annoy them and shit. You know what I'm saying?

You can't ask a simple question. You can go in a supermarket,

there's 20 white people around, you're the only black.

You walk in a supermarket. "Hi, how you doing?

"Excuse me, can you tell me

where I can get some toothpaste from?"

"If you look up on aisle six,

"it says it. It says 'Toothpaste.'

"You just have to fucking read.

(enunciating) "'Toothpaste.'

Use your vowels."

But let a gang of black people ask that same shit.

"Excuse me,

"can you tell us...

(cheers and applause)

...where we can get some toothpaste from?"

"Sure, I'll show you. Come on.

"What are you looking for? Colgate? Aim?

What do you want there? Tartar control?"

Gotta get over this racial hump. It's very important.

Black men-- black men, stay out of court.

'Cause we don't stand a chance in no goddamn court.

You know that. Just ask Mike Tyson.

(chuckles) Shit, ask Mike.

What's the white boy they got over in court?

Who is the white boy that got over? The one--

No, the white boy that was eating all the ass,

that had the ass.

Motherfucking Dahmer. Ain't that a bitch? Dahmer.

They put this man on trial.

What the fuck is the trial about?

You found an ass in the refrigerator--

guilty!

Man, if that was black people eating white people,

they'd have brought the electric chair to his motherfucking house.

Ehh-hh-hh!

Just like that Waco, Texas, shit.

Shit, let some black people run up that much money.

They'd have blew that shit up on Martin Luther King's birthday.

(cheering and applause)

(chuckles)

But Dahmer, man-- that's fucked me up, man.

I knew he was white too. They said, "We found an ass in a refrigerator."

I said, "He's white, ain't he?"

Dahmer tripping, just sitting around, eating black people

like it ain't no thing, just...

Watching "Cops" and shit.

(laughter)

It was fucked up how he would lure boys up to his house and shit.

'Cause he told them, "Come on up. I'm gonna give you some head."

They didn't know he meant that shit literally.

Scary, man.

And black men, black men,

stay the fuck out of jail.

Got enough of us in there. You know that.

Enough. (applause)

And better not-- There'd better not be a black person in here

that say they don't know nobody in jail,

'cause that's bullshit.

Ray-Ray, Earl, Craig,

Shorty Tim, you know, Little Reg--

all them motherfuckers in jail.

Shonda's little brother-- all them in jail,

chillin'.

Black people kill me, though, in jail, right?

The ones that are locked up sending pictures home,

like jail is a nice motherfucking place to be.

Always posing too, talking about...

(laughter, applause)

Shit, if I was in jail, my shit wouldn't look like that.

(moans)

"Dear Mama, a lot of shit has changed."

See, that's why I can't go to jail, man,

'cause I know they're gonna try to fuck me, you know?

And how am I gonna tell my mother that I've been fucked in jail?

"Mama, they're fucking me, Mama."

Well, you know your mother is gonna try to console you.

"That's all right, baby. If somebody else puts

"their dick in your ass, just lock your ass.

"Lock it and snap it and break their ass.

"Pow!

Snap their shit off."

That's why I can't go to jail,

'cause I know they're gonna try to rape me.

Not 'cause I look good, just for bragging rights.

Just to say, "Oh, who, Martin?

"Oh, yeah, I fucked him.

Yeah, you know, he tried to lock on me and shit."

You know what I'm saying? I can't have that.

That's why I got my shit planned.

If I got to go to jail, see,

I ain't gonna wash my ass.

See, I'ma be a nasty, dirty, filthy, stinky motherfucker.

I'ma walk in shit. I'ma...

(laughter)

I'ma wipe my ass with my hand. My wave's gonna stink.

"Come here for a minute.

"Come here for a minute, man. Come here for a minute.

(audience groans)

Come on, man. Come here for a minute."

You want some ass? You're gonna get some nasty ass.

See...

See, a lot of brothers that get raped in jail

are brothers who talk shit, you know.

You know, just go in there yik-yakking, running off at the mouth.

If you go in jail and you're quiet,

brothers don't know you, don't play you as much.

They say, "Damn, man, he's kind of quiet.

Let me chill. He might to try to shank me up in here."

But if you go in jail like this...

(laughter)

"Listen up.

"I'm here to do my motherfucking time.

"Ain't gonna be no sticking the dick in the ass.

I don't play that old bullshit."

Brothers are gonna be like, "Damn, man, he's kind of bad, huh?

He's kind of hard, huh?" A little later on at night,

he's still gonna be bad, but he's gonna be like this--

"Damn, didn't you hear what the fuck I had said earlier?

"Oh, you is an old disrespectful motherfucker.

"This is fucked up.

"Mama say lock my ass.

Mama say lock my ass."

One thing-- if I had to like anything about jail--

'cause jail is a fucked-up place to be--

is that when a brother goes in there

and uses his time wisely.

You know, pick up a book, you know, brother, read.

You know, I don't give a fuck what it is.

Ain't read nothing all their life.

It could be "Mary Had a Little Lamb," but they try hard.

You know what I'm saying?

(speaks slowly) "'Mary had a little lamb.'

"Whew.

"'Mary had a little lamb.

"Mary had a--'

"Man, how many lambs did the bitch have?

This shit is frustrating."

And it's fucked up, though, when they read one book

and get out and try to educate you on some shit.

You ever see that motherfucker you ain't seen in a while?

And you come up to him, you're like, "Damn, man, where you been?"

And he like, "Oh, man, these people had me incarcerated

"over some things I had done back in the past,

"but what I found is,

"if I utilize my talent and my mind,

"I can grow as one human being.

"See, that's where I'm at with the mind.

"I think, we got to-- in order to grow,

"we gotta love the brother man and the other man.

"I think it's very important to do that.

"Basically, what I'm trying to say is,

you got $5 on you I can borrow?"

(laughter, applause)

And them brothers go in there working out, though.

I like that, you know. Brothers go in there,

get their little workout on,

you know, pumping it up.

You know what I'm saying.

One arm, for some particular reason, though,

get real big up in jail.

I never understood that. (laughter)

What, y'all know something I don't know?

No, no, one arm is, like, you know, husky,

just real, you know...

My thought was, I think brothers in that motherfucker

like that... beating their shit.

I never beat my shit, man. I never beat my shit.

No, I lie like a motherfucker.

I lie like a motherfucker.

Oh, I lie like shit.

It's my shit.

I can beat my shit.

It is me. It is who I am, okay?

It wasn't nothing I planned. No man in here plans to beat his shit.

Am I right or wrong? It's something that happens on accident.

You know what I'm saying. You're sitting there, around the house one day,

chillin', you know.

Just flicking through the channels, trying to mind your own business.

You know, and you're flickin' and you're chillin'.

Okay, let me see what the fuck is on television.

Click. Oh, shit, "Andy Griffith" is on.

Oh, shit.

Go ahead, Barney, you know you ain't got no bullets

in the gun, motherfucker.

Go ahead, Aunt Bee, with that little fat ass,

little apple-pie ass.

Why you ain't never had no black people in Mayberry,

motherfucker?

(yawns) Motherfucking tired as shit.

I'm fucking tired, chillin' and shit.

Fucking...

Nigga just chillin'.

Motherfucking chillin' like a motherfucker.

Tired than a motherfuck.

Brother just chillin' like a motherfucker.

Nigga tired, boom, ah-ah, ooh.

Chillin' like a motherfucker.

(laughter, applause)

Chillin', chillin', chillin', chillin' like a motherfucker.

I'm chillin' like a boop, boop, boop.

So tired.

Chillin' like a boop.

Chillin' like a motherfucker.

Chillin' like a...

(laughter, applause)

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, oh.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Ohh-hh, shit, oh.

Ohh-hh.

And then you done found, you said,

"Damn, I got to get to know me

a little more often."

Now let me ask the ladies a question.

Do ladies accidentally do that shit?

Do you accidentally masturbate, ladies?

You don't accidentally do that?

Bullshit. Y'all are doing your hair,

and putting on your makeup on your eyebrows, your lipstick and--

(shrieking)

(laughter)

Y'all don't accidentally do that?

Well, fellas, do that shit, man.

Fellas, beat your shit. Beat your shit.

That shit work, man.

When your lady act like she don't wanna give you no pussy, say,

"Fuck it, baby. You ain't got to give me shit."

And get in bed butt-naked... (grunts) right on her butt.

(laughter, applause)

Say, "That could have been in you, girl,

but you chose otherwise."

(laughter, applause)

It'll work for you ladies too.

When your man act like he trying to fall asleep on the couch, say,

"Fuck you. Carry your ass to sleep."

And then get in bed butt-naked... (shrieks)

He'll wake up, "I want some."

Say, "Fuck it, I'm all right."

He like, "Damn, you don't holler like that when I'm with you."

"Motherfucker, I know what I like. You don't take the time."

(cheering)

I bet he'll be checking with your ass before he go to sleep from now on.

"Look here,

you need anything before I go to sleep?

Okay."

(laughter, cheers)

Good night."

Can I get a sip of water?

No, 'cause you know, fuck that, you can't pause in a black show.

"Nigga, get your water and hurry the fuck up.

Nobody come here to see you drink water, motherfucker."

(laughter)

Woman: Martin, we love you!

And I love you back.

(cheering and applause)

But my moms kept me out of jail though.

My mother and my family kept me out of jail, and I thank that--

thank my moms and family so much for that, man.

And I got-- My mother is that strong black woman, y'all.

I love her. And you know what I'm talking about.

If you love your mother like I do,

you know ain't nothing like a mother, man.

(applause) Nothing like a mother.

See, my mother's so cool, man, 'cause she raised six of us.

You see, my father was there for a little while,

but then they broke up, you know.

And I can-- Now, look, I can understand,

you know, sometimes relationships don't work out.

Your parents don't get along and you break up.

Your father go his way. You go--

But take care of your motherfucking kids.

(applause) It ain't their fault.

No, you've got to.

'Cause no kid has to be in this motherfucker. They don't have to be here.

So you gotta take care of your kid.

And my father left, man, and it was fucked up,

'cause when he was there, we had a yard, y'all.

You know, we was running around in the yard.

(laughter)

And then he left and shit, and we were like the Jeffersons.

♪ Well, we're moving on down. ♪

And we was in the projects and shit,

in the street, ducking cars, when he left.

And I said, "Damn, man, my pop's gone.

Don't worry. He's doing his thing."

My moms, though, a strong black woman,

said, "We're gonna be all right."

And she raised six of us, so it was cool.

(applause) But-- No.

But you know what? We didn't have--

When he left, we really didn't have the money and shit

for my mother to do all the things we needed.

And my mother tried. You know, she tried hard.

You know, would try and go out and buy us the things we wanted,

like other kids, you know.

We wanted Nikes. She'd go out and buy Sikes.

You know what I'm saying? "Ma, these are Sikes."

"All you got to do is paint a damn 'N' on the motherfuckers.

"It's the same damn thing.

So what, they got heels on it? It's the same thing."

And we never had clothes, right, that fit us, right?

Like, our pants were always high-waters.

They never touched the bottom of our shoes.

And people would always cut on our family.

"Why don't y'all pull your shoes up?"

And I hated that shit, man. I hated that shit.

So I used to unbuckle my pants and shit, wear a long shirt,

and put it down and pull my pants down.

But people knew I was doing that shit,

'cause my pocket was all the way down this motherfucker.

(laughter)

(chuckles)

Whoo!

So my moms tried. She tried.

We always had-- She tried to keep a little food in the house,

but we never really had much food,

'cause there was, like, six of us and shit, you know.

And there was times my mother didn't eat.

I said, "Mom, why don't you eat something?" She'd make up excuses.

"I'm on a diet. Y'all kids go and eat."

I was like, "You need to take a bite of this shit, Mama.

Your stomach's growling."

'Cause I knew she was hungry, you know.

And one thing we always had in the house,

in the ghetto, was bread.

Always had some motherfucking bread.

And if you're from where I'm from, black people know,

you can do a lot with some goddamn bread, can't you?

You know what I'm talking about, black people.

You remember them motherfucking apple sauce sandwiches and shit?

Right? Them little sugar sandwiches?

What was the best shit of all though?

The little syrup motherfucking sandwich.

Remember that shit? You sit on the porch

with a syrup sandwich like that.

♪ Mama gonna work it out, Mama gonna work it out. ♪

Eating a motherfucking syrup sandwich.

And we was one of them families

that wasn't too proud to beg, you know.

We'd go next door, 'cause there was days we wanted meat.

'Cause we ain't had no meat in the house, and we'd go next door.

We didn't give a fuck. We ain't-- No shame in our game.

We'd go next door. "Excuse me.

"Y'all got a pack of hot dogs we can borrow?

"Y'all ain't got no bologna, no nothing?

"Well, did y'all get y'all government cheese yet?

"Man, fuck y'all! Y'all got some food. We've seen y'all

"go shopping yesterday, motherfucker.

"That's right. Don't come outside,

or I'ma bust you in your head with a loaf of bread."

But if you're living at home,

and you know who you are, with your mother,

living in the basement, you're too grown for that shit.

Get up out the house.

If you're a grown adult, especially a man,

35 years old, at home,

putting your name on the orange juice...

talking about, "Ma, don't touch my shit."

Get out the basement, man. 'Cause I'm telling you what gonna happen.

Your mother gonna come in the basement,

catch a girl down there sucking your dick.

Then you're all gonna be embarrassed.

You mother walk in-- "Ah!" You're like, "Ma!"

Your mother-- "I didn't see nothing. I didn't see nothing."

But most of all, the girl sucking your dick is embarrassed.

"Oh, my God.

"Your mother done caught me sucking your dick in this house.

"Your mother done caught me sucking your dick.

You know, I gotta go apologize to your mother."

Girl go upstairs-- "Mrs. Lawrence.

"Ooh, Mrs. Lawrence.

"I'm so sorry you caught me

"sucking your son's dick in your house, Mrs. Lawrence.

I'm so sorry."

But you know your mother's gonna back you.

"That's all right. That's all right.

"Just stop letting his balls drag.

"It's cold in the basement, okay?

"Pick the balls up.

Cuff the balls."

See, you don't have to have no fly place.

You can have a little place. It don't matter.

It could be a hut. You can have one chair and a hat.

Just style that motherfucker.

And spray that shit women like.

What is it, ladies, that smells good?

That potpou-- potpourri shit.

Ain't it? Women walk in and smell that shit--

panties just come right off.

"I feel comfortable here," as long as it's clean.

I found out women don't leave you

as fast, though, if you have a nice place.

See, some ladies know a comfortable roof over their head when they see it.

They don't walk out on you as fast.

But let you have some nasty, dirty, piss-infested shit.

You know, when you walk in and it smell like all piss through the house.

And you wind up pissing anywhere, you say,

"Fuck it, everybody else done did it."

You better-- If you had a nasty place,

you better not say them words to a woman. "Get out."

"Get out? Bye, motherfucker. Shit.

"I thought your ass would never say shit.

"You can keep everything I brought over here.

You probably pissed on that."

But let you have some fly shit,

some nice, beautiful shit,

they act like they're gonna leave you.

You could tell them, "Look here, let me tell you something.

"I'm tired of arguing. I'm trying to share this with you, okay?

"I'm trying to get us to chill, you know what I'm saying?

"You know, if you can't get with the indoor pool, outdoor pool,

"a little music studio, bowling thing, you know what I'm saying?

"You know, this is yours. But you don't like that? Then fine.

You can leave. You can always leave. I'm not holding you here."

Women play that shit off. "Fuck you.

"You know what I'm saying? Fuck you, okay?

"I don't give a fuck what you have-- this little indoor pool

"and this little bowling-- that's material bullshit.

"It don't mean shit. It don't make what's in the motherfucking heart.

"You can keep all this bullshit, your little glitz

"and your little glamor and your little airstrip shit.

"This is bullshit. Let me get my shit and get the fuck up out of here.

Why are you acting like this?"

(laughter, applause)

Let me ask y'all something.

You guys been drinking tonight?

'Cause y'all-- y'all been drinking?

Don't lie. Tell the truth.

Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm hearing the sisters hollering out, talking about, "I've been drinking."

Y'all get fucked up on a glass of wine.

Woman: That's right. You right, I know.

Y'all be drinking that shit. "Ooh! Ooh!"

That's why brothers like this, "Go ahead.

Take one more sip. Just one more sip."

You'd better stop that, or you're gonna wake up with a dick in your mouth.

(smacks lips) "Whose dick is this?

Whose dick is this?"

And how do motherfuckers get this drunk?

(laughter)

How-- How the fuck do you get that drunk,

when you don't know when to say when, you know?

And they got in some areas though--

some cities where they give you

a free ride home if you're drinking.

White people thought about that. "Don't drink and drive in a hurry.

Call us and we'll get you home."

See, that's good. That's a beautiful idea.

See, 'cause that's true-- don't drink and drive.

Drunks use that number too.

They call it, dial it.

"Hello.

"I'm drunker than a motherfucker, baby.

I need to get to 445 Canyon Road."

A white person comes, picks him up, takes him to 445 Canyon Road.

It be another party. "Thank you.

"Thank you very much.

"I'll call you motherfuckers when I really need to get home.

Make me a drink, motherfucker."

(laughter)

Can you still get good herb out here? Reefer?

(audience shouts) Yeah? You can get that shit?

Look at all the dealers, like, "Yeah, motherfucker.

How much you need, nigga?"

Remember that shit? Herb was cool back in the day.

'Cause it was, what, a flower, a leaf or some shit?

You smoking herb, hitting the chronic, you--

"Yeah, motherfucker.

"Yeah, that's some good shit there, nigga.

That's some good shit there, nigga."

You remember when you hit that shit.

♪ Suckah, suckah. ♪ Remember that shit?

You sit around, hitting the joints on both--

♪ Yeah, one nation ♪

♪ Under a groove. ♪

And then they started trying to take you

higher and fucking higher.

Now you got crack. Oh, damn.

Leave that shit alone. That's sad.

It's sad to see a person on crack, isn't it?

'Cause you're fucking-- cocaine and all that bullshit.

'Cause you just watch your whole life crumble. And that shit is sad.

And it's even more sad to see women on that shit.

'Cause women still think they look good.

And, you know, when you're on crack--

(laughter) No, seriously.

When you're on crack,

how come your ass is the first to go?

It look like somebody done beat you on your ass

with a book bag. Bang!

Lock and gone. And they'll be missing teeth.

You ever see somebody-- You see them, and one week, they got teeth.

The next week, they ain't got none of this shit.

And you're like, "Where's your shit?"

They say, "Oh, I must have smoked those."

Women still think they look good on crack.

That shit ain't looking good-- women walking, talking about...

(laughter)

That shit is fucking sad, man.

But herb though-- herb had you tripping though.

Herb though had brothers-- It was some brothers that smoke herb

that was smarter than your average scientist.

You know what I'm saying? They'd break some shit down to you.

'Cause it made you analyze everything.

Brother's sitting there, chillin' with the herb, you know.

"Yeah, motherfucker.

"I'm watching last week

"on fucking TV...

"'The Wizard of Oz.'

"You know, it had the Tin Man,

"the Scarecrow,

"the Lion.

"Them motherfuckers looking for a heart...

"courage,

"and a motherfucking brain.

"None of these people are looking for no pussy,

"and they're skipping down the street with a bitch.

(laughter, applause)

"Shit.

"Shit, had that been me, I'd have fucked Dorothy

"right on the Yellow Brick Road.

"There ain't no place like home, is there, Dorothy?

Ain't no place like home."

The only fucked-up thing, right,

is when you is-- might be getting high with your boy

and found out some shit that you shouldn't have found out.

Ain't that some shit? Y'all are shaking your heads.

'Cause you feel like, when you're on it, confessing some shit.

You're going around getting high and shit. You're chillin'.

You hit the joint with your boy.

"Yeah, motherfuckers, we're gonna go to the club

"after we leave here, nigga.

We're gonna get our motherfucking boogie on."

And you're like, "Yeah, we're gonna go to that little club

we went to last week." And your boy says,

"Look here, man,

"before we roll out, can I talk to you about some things?

Can we get a rap?"

You're like, "Yeah, man. What's up?

Talk to me, motherfucker. What's on your mind, nigga? Talk to me. What's up?"

"Oh, see, man,

I just want to take this time

to-- to-- to accommodate you,

to-- to-- to-- to say thanks to you

for all you've done in my growing up."

"Well, see, you're my friend,

and I got to do the best I can do to help you."

"See, I understand that, because, see, you have always accommodated me

"in anything that I've ever asked of you.

You know, I think back to when we was little."

"Yeah, we was some wild motherfuckers when we was little, weren't we?"

"Oh, yeah, we was real wild when we was little.

I think we was no more than, what, seven or eight?"

"Yeah, we probably was about seven or eight."

"Oh, you sure was.

"I remember how we would go down to the park.

You remember the park?" "Oh, the park was a motherfucker."

"Uh-huh, you remember the park?

I remember you used to like to swing on the little monkey bars."

"Yeah, well, you know, I just tried to be good at what I was doing."

"Oh, you were good.

"You also looked good too.

"I remember you would jump on the monkey bars,

but you used to wear these little tight red shorts."

(laughter)

"What the fuck my shorts got to do with anything?"

"You used to wear these tight red shorts

that used to ride all up in your ass."

"Yo, man, that herb got you bugging or something.

What the fuck are you doing?"

"No, it don't. No, it don't.

"I remember how we would go

"swimming in the creek.

"Remember when we'd go in the water?

"I remember we would get to the creek,

"and you would dip your head in the water,

"and you'd come up and you'd shake it like that.

"And your hair would lay right over your right eye.

"You had that good hair.

Everybody had thought you had Indian in your family."

"What the fuck are you saying, man?"

"I remember how you would just

"dip your body in the water,

"and you would come up,

"where water would just glisten

all over your body."

"What did you say?" "Water would glisten

all over your body."

"Yo, man, what the fuck are you getting to? What are you saying?"

"See, see, when the fuck-- how come

"when I try to tell you something--

"I'm trying to motherfucking explain something to you,

"something that's been on my mind,

you got to start cutting me off?"

"I'm sorry. Damn, I didn't know this shit was that important to you,

"you was that emotional. I'm very sorry, man.

"Nigga, I'm your motherfucker. What's on your mind?

"You know, it just sounded kind of funny to me.

I don't know where you're going."

"Motherfucker, you're just cutting me off.

"I'm trying to tell you something.

"I know where you think I'm going with this and shit.

It ain't like that, nigga."

"My fault. You're right.

"It just sounded kind of like-- I don't know. My fault.

"What's on your mind? Look, you're my boy.

That's what friends are for. You're my boy. What's up?"

"You just want me to come out and say it?"

"Yeah, what's up?" "You just want me to say it?"

"Yeah."

"Can I please

suck your dick, man?"

(cheering and applause)

Let me ask you a serious question, fellas.

If your boy asks if he could suck your dick...

Man: Get the fuck out of here!

...would you let him? (laughter)

See, some of y'all are lying your ass off.

You know goddamn well some of y'all would be like this.

"What? What?

Well, hurry up, motherfucker. Hurry up."

♪ That's what friends are for. ♪

(laughter, applause)

Well, I'm for the ladies, like I said.

You know, I'm a guy that loves relationships.

You know, I love a relationship,

a good, strong relationship.

It just seems like I never get the shit right.

You know, boy,

I remember one time though in a relationship

this girl got me good, y'all.

I thought this woman was all that, y'all.

I thought she was the one for me.

You know what I'm talking about, fellas,

when you meet a girl and you just want to--

damn, this is motherfucking good. This is the one.

You know why? 'Cause this woman fucked me

how I want to be fucked, I mean, good, just--

"Nigga, huh? What? What?

"Shut your mouth.

Shut your punk ass up."

You know, I was like, "Oh, shit, do your thing."

You know, I was running out the bed. "Oh, damn."

But not only that, she could cook her ass off.

See, a lot of women don't know that's the way to a man's heart sometimes.

If you can fuck him how he wants to be fucked

and make a hell of a sandwich,

shit, you're in there like a motherfucker.

All you gotta do is, "Uh, uh."

Then go in the kitchen, "Eat that, motherfucker."

He'd lay in bed like this, butt-naked--

"God damn, you're the motherfucker, baby.

"You put cheese on this?

God damn, she's the motherfucker."

But, you know, I've been in and out of relationships.

I said, "Damn, what the fuck is the problem?

Why does it seem like I can't get it right? What am I doing wrong?"

And I started evaluating myself.

I didn't do the same things I used to do when I first met them.

Some of y'all know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm saying.

You don't do the same things we used to do when we first met them.

Remember when we first met them, we'd hold hands

and walk and talk, all that bullshit

we know you don't feel like doing.

"Oh, who said that?

Oh!"

We're doing all this shit 'cause we know we got some pussy to get.

Oh! But once you get used to them,

all that shit change. You be like this--

"You'd better come on. You'd better bring your little stupid ass on.

You get the fuck on my nerves."

And she like, "Fuck you, you get on my goddamn nerves.

"I can't stand your ass.

I don't know how the fuck I hooked up with you anyway."

"Oh, you know how you hooked up with me."

And you like, "How'd we go from this shit to arguing?"

We don't even order food the same when we first meet them.

Remember when you first met them and you ordered some food?

You was happy to order some food.

You walk in a restaurant-- "Look at you, girl.

"Uh-uh, my baby looking good. Look at her.

"Ooh, you're my baby! Come on, girl, get something to eat.

"You hungry, ain't you? Come on and get you something to eat.

"God damn, look at you. Mwah!

"You go, girl! Come here, girl.

"Look at you.

"Go ahead. What, baby?

"What? What do you want to eat, huh?

"Why are you tripping like that, girl?

"Of course you can get cheese on the motherfucker, girl.

"Yo, my man,

"give her two pieces of cheese.

Hook it up."

But once you get used to her, all that shit change.

"What? I ain't got no motherfucking money for no cheeseburger.

"Get a hamburger. Well, then fuck it. You won't eat.

"Give me a hamburger, yeah.

"Put extras. Yeah, put some onions and all that shit.

That's why your ass is fat and bloated now,

fucking with all that cheese.

Round about up in here your shit is pocketing,

all neck, fucking with that cheese."

And you're like, "Damn, we argued over cheese."

And then, you know, shit I used to do--

I used to take relationships for granted.

I used to-- I thought that the shit was just supposed to happen.

You know, I thought, in a relationship,

you should know me, you should know what I like, and it should happen.

Yeah, if you're with the person and you're communicating,

and you get to know each other's likes and dislikes and wants.

Yeah, those things fall into place.

But I'll be madder than a motherfucker if I came home

and nothing wasn't cooking.

I'd walk in the house and shit,

you know, just smell Pine-Sol.

So I know her ass was cleaning,

but... (sniffing) I walk in, I don't smell

no chicken frying, no nothing.

I go up to her-- "Excuse me, baby, can I talk to you for a minute?

Can I-- Can we rap for a minute?"

"Yes, what-- Yes, what's the problem?"

"Uh..."

Look in the stove first before I start jumping to conclusions.

Let me...

Nope, ain't nothing there.

"Uh...

You been home all day?"

"Yes."

"Uh-huh,

"so, um, you didn't get an urge

for a Butterfinger or nothing, huh?"

"Yes, I got a little hungry,

but, I mean, I managed. Why?"

"Hmm, hmm, hmm.

"Uh...

Did you know I was coming home about 5:00 or 6:00?"

"Yes."

"So you mean to tell me

you couldn't cook nothing up in this motherfucker, huh?

You couldn't make a steak up or nothing

up in the goddamn house, huh?"

"Well, motherfucker, had we been communicating, you would have known

"I didn't have no money, and you damn sure didn't leave none.

Now get the fuck out of my face."

(cheering and applause)

That was fucked up, 'cause my only comeback was,

"You-- you'd better watch your mouth."

(laughter)

Your girl has to be your best friend, man.

And you have to be her best friend. You guys gotta communicate,

talk, 'cause can't no relationship just work, you know.

Your girl gotta be your best friend, man.

You gotta play with your girl. "Come on, baby. What's up?"

Play with your girl-- bam! "You left your pussy open.

Left your pussy open."

"Uh-uh, that's enough play.

You so crazy. You so motherfucking crazy."

And then you gotta make sure you spend that time with your lady.

The lady gotta spend that time with her man.

'Cause what do women say to us most?

Yes, they want to be held. Yes, they want to be loved and all that.

But what do they say to us all the time? "Spend time with me.

"Spend time with me. Spend time with me.

"Spend some quality fucking time with me.

"Why do you have to be running in the streets

"all the time with your friends?

What, are you fucking your friends?"

(laughter, applause)

And some of those brothers are like this--

"'Cause I ain't got no time.

I gotta go. See you when I see you."

'Cause I found out when a woman is in love with your ass,

she looks forward to being with you.

She just wants to be all up under you and the whole nine.

But sometimes we fuck up. 'Cause I'll take you through a week.

A woman will come to your ass on a Monday.

"Baby,

"I know it's Monday, and I was wondering

"if we were gonna hook up, if we were gonna spend some time.

"What's up, baby? I want to be with my baby.

What's up? Can we spend some time?"

"Sorry,

"I had told Craig and them

"I was gonna go out with them.

Gotta go. See you when I see you."

So Monday goes by. Tuesday goes by.

Wednesday gets here. Your lady says,

"Well, I ain't spent no time with my man on Monday and Tuesday.

I know I'ma get Wednesday with my man."

So she approaches you. "Baby,

"I know you was busy on Monday and Tuesday,

"but I was wondering, are we gonna spend some time today?

"I want to be with my baby. I just want to be with you.

What's up? Are we gonna spend some time?"

"Sorry,

"I had told Craig and them I'ma kick it with them.

Gotta go. See you when I see you."

Now Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday's gone by.

Friday gets here. You ain't spent no time with this woman so far.

Now the woman say to herself on Friday,

"Look, I know I'ma get Friday 'cause my man been busy all week.

I know I'ma get to spend some time with my man on Friday."

So, a woman goes out on a Friday, get her nails done,

get her hair done. And when a sister gets her hair done,

oh, her shit is like, kow, kow, kow!

Kow-plow! You know?

And a sister show up on your job on a Friday-- bam!

And you don't even say nothing about her hair 'cause you're mad she showed up.

"Fuck you doing here?

Fuck you doing on my goddamn job?"

"Well, shit, I can't seem to catch you no other time.

"Listen, I know you were busy

"on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday,

"but it is Friday, and I want to be with my baby.

"I want to be with you, and we don't have to go anywhere.

I just want to be with you, baby."

"Sorry,

I had told Craig and them I'ma kick it with them.

Gotta go. See you when I see you."

Now, a whole week has gone by,

and you ain't spent no time with your lady.

You forgot you had a lady.

And who reminds you you ain't spent no time?

Your own motherfucking boy.

'Cause he get mad at you. "You know what, man?

"You're just chipping and chapping and running off

"at the motherfucking mouth all the goddamn time, you know.

"I'ma tell you what the fuck you need to do, nigga.

"You need to go home

"and spend some motherfucking time with your lady.

"You ain't got no more money for no beer, motherfucker."

And then it dawns on him, man.

"Oh, damn. Yeah, you're right.

"Shit, let me go home and spend some goddamn time with this woman.

"I swear I don't feel like going home and hearing her motherfucking mouth, man.

"Every time I go in that house, I gotta hear her goddamn mouth.

Let me go home and spend this fucking time."

So you walk in the house on a Sunday.

Your lady just got out the shower.

You know what I'm saying? Body all clean,

then she got her body all oiled.

Got on some cut-offs, sweat shorts.

The pussy print look like a fist.

You know what I'm talking about, fellas.

Looking like a motherfucking camel foot in that motherfucker.

You know what I'm talking about.

She got on a cut-off tank top, with no bra

and still got a little water on her back,

so when the air hits the water, the nipples sprout out.

And her motherfucking hair's still looking good

'cause she ain't been nowhere.

And all week, she-- weekend, she slept on the shit like this.

(laughter, applause)

So you walk in the house, mad,

'cause you gotta spend this time.

(grunts)

Walk in the living room. She laying on the couch.

"What you doing?"

"Nothing. Just, you know, laying on the couch, reading."

"Yeah? What the fuck are you reading?"

"Nothing. Just a good book.

'Waiting to Exhale.'"

(cheering and applause)

"Yeah, well, whatever.

"Well, look here.

"Uh, I know I ain't been spending no time with you,

"but, uh, put some clothes on.

I'll take you out, get you a little bite to eat or something."

"Ain't you gonna spend time

with your friends-- Craig and all them?"

"See, see, see, this is why the fuck I don't come home.

"You know what I'm saying? 'Cause I got to hear all that bullshit about,

"ain't I gonna spend some motherfucking time with my friends--

"Craig and them? This is bullshit.

"Let me tell you something. You want to go out to eat or not, okay?

"I ain't come home to hear you yipping and yapping and all that bullshit.

"Either you want to eat or you don't.

"Every fucking time I walk in the house,

"I gotta hear you telling me about this shit.

You want to eat or not?"

And she act like it hurts her to tell you this.

"I think you'd better sit down."

"Fuck I got to sit down for?"

"You remember when I kept asking you

"to spend time with me,

"to spend time with me,

"to spend time with me,

"to spend some quality fucking time with me?

"You never had the time. You always had to be with your friends.

"You never had the fucking time.

Well, somebody else got your time."

(laughter, applause)

So, immediately, we gotta play this shit off.

(laughing)

"So another motherfucker got my time?

"Well, if that's how it had to be.

"Oh, well, I'll tell you what.

"Obviously, you see I didn't want the motherfucking time.

"I was never here, you know. But, hey, boom!

"That's no thing to me 'cause I was probably gonna

"leave the relationship any-motherfucking-way.

"Let me call my boy, get the fuck up out of here.

"You foul. You ain't never gonna, never,

"never find another motherfucker that's as good to you as I am.

"But that's okay, 'cause I'ma be all right, girl.

"I'ma be motherfucking all right.

"Let me call my nigga, get up out this motherfucker.

"Yo, yo, yo, yo. What up, man?

"Yeah, yeah, just got into this little thing with her, right?

"Yeah, we broke up. Come get a nigga.

"Get me up out, yeah. Yeah, bitch went crazy.

"I'm saying, tripping like a motherfucker.

"But I'm cool, you know.

"So, yeah, come. Yeah, okay, yeah.

"Um, bring the truck, 'cause I got a lot of shit.

Okay, cool." Click.

"Bam! Get the fuck up out, you know, pack my shit on up.

"Get the fuck up on out of here.

"But I'ma tell you like this. I'ma tell you like this.

"You should have been a woman and came to me and talked to me.

"That was some punk shit you did.

"But I guess that's how you are.

"You know what I'm saying? You know, get the fuck up out of here.

"And I'ma tell you another motherfucking thing.

"I should crack your motherfucking forehead.

"I should crack your motherfucking forehead.

Just for disrespecting me, I should crack your shit."

"I know you would, but I gotta go.

See you when I see you."

(cheering)

You fucked up.

But all brothers ain't like that now.

'Cause you got some brothers that want to be with their girl,

don't want to do nothing else but be a good man and be up under their ladies.

And some women don't like that shit.

"What? What?

"What?

"Isn't the Knicks or somebody playing basketball?

What?"

Brother like, "What? I just want to know

if you want to go to the zoo."

"The zoo? Zoo your ass on away from here, motherfucker."

That's fucked up. You can't treat a good brother like that,

'cause then you lose a good thing.

But you know what's also fucked up, right,

is when you, like, spend four years

in a relationship with a person and then break up,

when you commit years and then break up.

'Cause that's hard. 'Cause now you find yourself

right back in the club you left,

looking for another motherfucker.

You know? That shit is messed up.

And also what's messed up is when you get in a relationship,

and find out the person is not who you thought they were.

That's fucked up. That's like, "Damn."

'Cause, see, I was very good on, like, first impressions.

Like, the first couple of months, I was a bad motherfucker.

I was the nicest motherfucker, you know,

before all that insecurity, deranged, crazy shit sunk in.

Some of you ladies know what I'm talking about.

You remember when you first met the man-- he come up to you in a club,

and he was the nicest motherfucker you could meet.

The gentleman, he walk up to you in a club,

"Hi. Hi. Excuse me. How you ladies doing?

"Um, this is embarrassing, 'cause I don't usually do this.

"I...

"I was going to head out of the club,

"and I looked over here and bam!

"Beauty hit me, you know.

"Um,

"I just want to drop a card off with you.

"And if you don't have a man,

"I hope you use that number.

"Sorry, ladies, to interrupt.

"You're as lovely as you want to be.

Bye-bye."

(cheers, applause)

Uh-huh, that's what women say.

Soon as we walk away... (shrieking)

"He was fine!"

But you ain't seen no sign of him

being crazy, deranged.

So, one day, you're walking around the house, looking at this card,

talking about, "Well, that was kind of nice.

"I mean, shit, men don't usually walk up on me like that.

Let me call him, see what he's about."

So you dial the phone. (imitates dial tones)

"Hello.

Can I speak to... Reg?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is Reg.

Yeah, this is Reg. Who-- who's calling?"

"This is Debbie. I met you at the club. I was sitting with my girls."

"Hey! Oh, I know you.

"Yeah, the one I left the card,

and as lovely as you want to be."

"Well, anyway, this is not like me.

"I don't usually call anyone, but I was very impressed

with how you approached me. I think that was very nice."

"Well, hey, you know, men got to respect the ladies.

You know what I'm saying? Ha!"

"Well, I'm kind of busy all week,

"and I was wondering if you would like

to get together tonight? Or is it, you know, the last minute?"

"Oh, no, no, this is perfect,

"because I wasn't doing nothing, just, you know,

"laying here, watching 'Andy Griffith,' you know.

"But... (laughter)

"You know, but, uh,

"uh, let me wash my hands

"and, uh, uh... (laughter)

...get a pen, get your address. I'll come get you."

So go, you hang the phone up. You go call your girl.

"Girl, he on his way over, this motherfucking guy.

"He sounds so nice on the phone. He sounds just like he did that night.

Girl, I hope this is the one for me. Goodbye."

Now you ain't hear nothing on the phone

of him being crazy, deranged.

So he come, pick you up. Y'all go out to dinner.

Everything's kicking at dinner, and it's lovely.

Everything is nice. It's beautiful.

You're looking at each other. "The way you smile,

"the way you move, girl-- you're something else.

Yeah, I've been hurt a lot, yeah."

"Well, I have too." "Got a little something on your mouth."

"Oh, damn, will you look at the time? It's almost 12:00.

"You know what? I don't even want to keep you out too late.

"So let me get you home at 12:00.

"I would like you to get some rest,

so you can hopefully think about me tomorrow. Ha-ha!"

So he gets you home, right? Right at 12:00.

And you're like, "Damn, this is--" at the door, you're like,

"This is very nice. No man has ever really gotten me home at 12:00.

They like to keep me out all night."

"Hey, I'm not like every man."

(laughter)

So you close the door, you run, call your girlfriend.

"Girl! Oh!

"Girl!

Girl, this motherfucker came, picked me up."

You tell her about the date. "And he was so nice.

"Girl, he didn't even want to keep me out all night.

"Wiping food off my mouth, girl.

"I mean, he looked so good in his little suit.

"I mean, he had on some white sweat socks,

"but, I mean, I could change that.

I could change him."

So now you start spending a little more time with him,

like, three months, getting into it.

You ain't seen no sign of him being

crazy, deranged.

(laughter)

So, one day at the end of them three months, your girl comes by.

'Cause they ain't hung out with you in a while.

"Girl, what the fuck? Where you been? We ain't hung out with you.

"I mean, what's up? Would you hang out with us?

I mean, who is this guy you're spending all the time?"

"Girl, he is so good to me. That is my baby.

He's in the other room, so would you be quiet?"

"I don't give a fuck. Girl, come on, we are your friends.

"It's all right to go out. Why don't you go out with us?

"I mean, if he's a good man, he'll understand.

"I mean, did you ask him, could you go out?

"I mean, you know how men are about us going out.

They don't like us to go nowhere."

And you're like, "Yeah, you're right.

"Let me go in there and find out.

"I might be going out with y'all. Hold on.

"Baaa...byyy... (laughter)

"Um, I know I promised

"we was gonna spend some time and everything,

"but I haven't been out with my girls in a while.

Do you mind if I go out? What's up?"

"Oh, you want to out with your girls?

"Oh, shit, go ahead. Have a good time.

You just be careful out there. Go on out and have a good time."

You're like, "Okay, I'll call you. Bye."

(shrieks)

"I told you he's all that.

"Fuck y'all. I told you, my man all that.

"You ain't seen no sign of him being

crazy, deranged." (audience repeats)

(laughter)

All right? But let a couple of months go by

and try that same go-out shit.

One day, he'll call you. "Look here, girl.

"Uh, on my way over.

Getting ready to leave work. Getting ready to head over there now."

And you're like, "No, no, baby, don't do that.

"Didn't you get my message?

"I'ma go out with the girls tonight,

"'cause we had such a good time last time we was out.

"I'ma go out. You need to stay home and get some rest,

'cause last night, you just looked so tired. So I gotta go. Bye."

And then he's like, "Hold on. Hold on a minute."

"What? What?"

(exhales)

"Why the fuck you got to be going out

"all the goddamn time?

"Why the fuck you got to keep running to the club

"all the motherfucking time?

A real lady would keep her ass home sometimes."

You look at the phone. "Uh-uh."

Click-- hang up on him. Go in the closet, put on your fuck-him dress.

Go to the club, "Fuck him, girl. Fuck him.

"Fuck him, girl. Fuck him.

Fuck him, girl. Fuck him."

Now, while you're in the club, talking about "Fuck him,"

in your fuck-him dress, you know what I'm saying?

You ain't thinking you hung up on a crazy,

deranged motherfucker.

So who come walking in the club

in their pajamas?

(laughter, applause)

"I told her motherfucking ass.

"Gonna hang the phone up on me?

"Not now, partner. I'll talk to you in a minute.

"I'll kill everybody up in this motherfucker.

"Gonna hang up on me?

Look here, woman. Get your shit. Let's go."

And her girlfriend's like, "Oh, no, he didn't!

No, he didn't!"

Now you gotta play this shit off. "No, he not mad.

"I had told him I was gonna call. Look, I'll get back to y'all.

I gotta go. Bye."

You're running behind him, talking about,

"All I had was a cooler."

Now this motherfucker's in the car, driving,

mad as hell in the car, with some footies on.

"I told your ass, don't ever play me like that.

Don't do me like that."

You're in the car like this-- "Shit."

The windows are fogging up. You're nervous as hell.

You sneaking, writing, "Help."

(laughter, applause)

(mouths words)

So you get in the motherfucking house.

He walk in-- boom! He kick the door open.

Bow! Mad.

You walk in. You walk in-- the motherfucker--

your phone ringing off the hook.

Ring, ring, ring! "Who is it?"

It's your girlfriends. "Girl, what the fuck was all that shit about?

What was all that about?"

What do you do? Make excuses for his

crazy, deranged ass.

"Um, no, no, no, calm down.

"No, girl, girl, he was not mad.

"No, what had happened was, last week,

"somebody had got shot at the club,

"and he was worried that they were going to get to shooting,

"and he didn't want nothing to happen to his baby.

But I'll call you. Bye." Click.

Now...

if a motherfucker is crazy enough

to come get your ass in a club

in some pajamas and footies,

this shit don't get no better.

I was that crazy motherfucker, man.

And what's worse than a man being jealous,

crazy, deranged?

Shit, a woman.

'Cause they will kill your ass.

(laughter)

A jealous woman,

a crazy, deranged woman

hates to see another woman

smile at her man.

She will embarrass your ass in a restaurant, won't she?

She'll pull you to the side. "Come here, motherfucker. Come here, come here.

"The fuck was all that shit about, the bitch...

(laughter, applause)

...smiling all in your goddamn face?"

You're like, "No, baby, see, that was the coat check girl.

"She took my coat and she said, 'Thank you. Have a nice day.'"

"Oh, so you don't know the bitch?"

"Baby, calm down. We're in a restaurant."

"Fuck. I don't give a fuck where we're at. You're my man.

"I'll ask you any fucking thing I want.

"Mind y'all's goddamn business. This is my man.

So you know that bitch?" "I do not know her."

"Oh, you don't know her?" "Baby, I do not know the girl."

"Look, 'cause if you want to be with the bitch, you can be with the bitch."

"Babe, I don't know her." "Oh, so you don't know her?

"'Cause I'll go there and I'll ask the bitch too. I'll confront her."

"Baby, that's the coat check girl."

"No, fuck this shit. Uh-uh.

"Excuse me.

"Yeah, you, Miss Smiling and Shit.

"Yes, um, do-- I noticed you've been smiling all night.

That man down there, do you know him?"

"Who, that guy? No, I don't."

"Well, what's all this shit? What? What?

I mean, what's all that shit about?"

"Ma'am, all I said was, 'Thank you.

Have a nice day.'"

"Well, let me tell you something,

"Miss Thank you. Have a Nice Day.

"Your job is to check coats.

"Check 'em, bitch.

(laughter, applause)

You bring your ass on over here."

Scary, man.

But, see, when you got love,

when you have love, you have all that shit.

A round of applause of all the couples

that are here tonight that are in love.

(scattered applause) (chuckles)

Four motherfuckers.

"We're in love at this son of a bitch."

No, 'cause you know what I'm saying.

Ain't nothing like fucking love, is there?

Nothing is like love, man.

And women want to hear guys-- want us to tell them.

Women tell us that all that time--

"Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me."

Brothers, we act like we can't say the shit.

"You a'ight."

(laughter, applause)

Fuck that, man. We gotta tell them though.

Shit, we can tell them in many different ways.

"Hey, girl, I love ya.

"Oh, come on, girl, you know I love ya.

God damn it, I love ya."

But this is the smoothest way of all, right?

Right before they go to work, you know,

or school in the morning, stop them in their tracks.

You know, you're like, "Hey!"

(mouths words)

Pussy wet all day, ain't it?

"My man love me.

My man love me."

Splash!

Walking around saggy, looking like a diaper.

'Cause that's love, man. That's love.

Women expect, though, if you tell them you love them,

that you will die for them. Don't you, ladies?

You expect your motherfucker-- I'm sorry,

you expect a motherfucker to jump in front of a bullet-- pow!

"Go, girl, go! Get out of here, go!

Go!"

Shit.

Motherfucker just shooting-- pow!

I'm like, "Damn, I hope she ain't get hit.

(laughter, applause)

God damn, I dropped my hat."

Women expect, if they're in a burning building,

for you to come in that motherfucker and get them.

If they're-- "Oh, baby, the fire! Fire!"

I'm like, "I'm sorry!

I loved you!"

(laughter)

I'll throw you a water bottle, cold for your neck.

"Spray that on your neck!

Keep the fire off your neck!"

'Cause let your ass be in a burning building.

They can see the fire on your ass.

You're-- "Baby!

"Oh, baby, the fire.

Baby!"

"Throw down your wallet!

Your wallet!

Don't let us all suffer!"

I ain't coming in that motherfucker

and getting you out.

But you know when you're in love, man.

You know when you're in love,

'cause you start doing things in front of each other

that you wouldn't do when you first met them.

You know what I'm saying? Remember, when you first met them,

if you had to fart, you'd run outside,

say you got to change the tire on your car and shit?

But once you get used to them, you fart in their face.

Buh! "Shut up.

Make a nigga a grilled cheese sandwich."

And women take it too. "Boy, why don't you stop?

"You so crazy. My mouth was open.

"My mouth was open.

You so crazy."

I ain't met a woman yet that farted in front of me, y'all.

I don't think they ever loved me.

I ain't met a woman yet that farted. I don't think they fart.

If they do, they know how to hold that shit real fucking good.

You know what I'm saying? 'Cause that's why

they're always complaining about cramps.

Every time you want to make love,

"I can't. I got cramps."

"Well, fart. I'm ready to fuck."

And they won't shit in front of you,

no matter how long they've been with you.

When do y'all shit, ladies? When are y'all shitting?

I ain't never seen my lady shit or go take a shit.

I just wish a lady would get honest.

"Ooh, I gots to go shit."

Be honest. When are y'all shitting?

I think y'all wait till we go to sleep or to work.

That's why y'all always rush us in the morning and shit.

"All right, I will call you.

I will call. Bye."

You walk back in the house-- "You're in there shitting, ain't you?"

"You so crazy. You so crazy."

And sometimes they go shit at the wrong time.

Think about-- oh, man, you ever been playing around,

kissing, playing around, your dick get hard-- bam!

Right? And you're ready to make love.

You're like, "Baby, come on, let's do it now. Let's do it now."

And she's like, "Hold up, I got to shit first."

And go take a shit

right before you're getting ready to make love.

And then come climb her shitty ass back in bed.

(laughter, applause)

Talking about, "I'm ready."

"Oh, hell no, you ain't.

Got shit crumbs all in the bed."

The next morning, you're kicking the sheet like this.

Boom! Kicking shit balls-- bow!

Doing the sheet, like, shaking the sheet.

And in love-- when you're in love,

you play sexual games. I think that's kind of fun,

'cause you get to know each other. You set the games up.

"Hey, baby, look here. Uh, what we're gonna do, right?

"We're gonna wrestle butt-naked.

"And, uh, I'ma wrestle you, we're gonna wrestle,

"I'ma, like, get you down, and then I'ma, like, put the dick in.

Okay, you ready?"

But sometimes the woman's too strong and shit.

You're like... (mumbling)

"Look, no, look.

"Look, no, baby. Baby, you've got to give some goddamn time now.

Look, let's just fuck the normal way."

And, fellas, we don't care when we're in love.

Boy, we get on the bed butt-naked, little dick and all.

Just on the bed like this, dancing, right?

(humming porn groove)

And she's like, "Boy, why don't you sit your little dick self down?"

And you're like, "That's all right.

You know what it look like when it grow now."

See, I don't brag on my dick.

I'll tell y'all that now. I don't brag on my dick.

'Cause I'll tell the world I ain't packing.

I know some of you are shocked right now. I can tell.

I'm not packing, no.

I'm all right. But don't get me wrong.

When I'm erect, I can get in line with some of the big boys.

I ain't running from a motherfucker.

I'm cool. What's up? How y'all living?

How you living?

But when I ain't erect, I'm hanging out with Webster

like a motherfucker.

Right now, my dick chillin',

just chillin'.

You know how your dick get when you get in the pool?

That motherfucker be like a little baby and shit, you know.

See, I don't brag on ladies how big my dick is,

'cause, see, ladies know. You know, women know how big our dicks are,

'cause they rub us, they caress us. They know.

When it's erect, they hold it like this.

"Wow, this is nice."

But when it ain't erect, they hold it with two fingers.

"Hello? Wake up! Hello?"

And we never want y'all to see it or touch it.

We're like, "Turn out the light.

I got a lot on my mind. My dog just died."

I love sex though.

Use them condoms. I know you don't want to use them condoms.

It's hard, you know, especially in the morning, man.

It's hard to get out of bed in the morning and go look for a condom,

put the shit on, uh-uh. 'Cause in the morning

you just want to turn over and get to fucking, right?

You just want to make love in the morning,

'cause that's your best time sometimes to fuck.

'Cause you wake up, you got sleep

all in your eye, looking all ugly,

you know, slob right here.

You're looking ugly. She's looking ugly.

Your voice all groggy--

(in gruff voice) "Good morning to you.

"I said, good morning to you.

What you feel like doing this morning?"

She sound like you.

(in gruff voice) "What do you feel like doing this morning?

Let's get it on."

See, that's your best fucking, in the morning sometimes.

That is your best fucking. You know why?

Because the pussy marinates at night.

The pussy simmers at night.

And at 6:00 A.M.-- ding! "I'm ready."

"I know you are."

And the pussy is amazing, isn't it?

It's so good. Ooh!

Isn't it? Pussy is delicious.

It is-- oh. I don't know if you ladies know

how good your shit is.

Oh, man.

It's amazing too. It can, like--

it adjusts, I don't know. It, like--

It just, like, expands and shit.

You know, it's just, like-- bam!

I mean, you could store a chair in that motherfucker

if they get their head together.

That's what I be trying to tell my brothers.

When you're running from the cops,

don't hide in no fucking closet.

Hide in the pussy.

Just say, "Look here, baby, I need to get in your pussy for a minute.

I'll explain it to you later."

Craig, what you doing in here, man?"

(audience laughs, groans)

And you know there be some smart cop that find your ass, right?

Some Columbo kind of motherfucker.

"Ma'am, we've got reason to believe

you're hiding someone in the pussy."

"Why would you say that, Officer?"

"'Cause there's a goddamn Nike

hanging out of your pussy. Get out of there!"

You're like, "Damn, man, brother can't hide nowhere, man. Damn.

Craig in there too."

Love the orgasm. Oh, ain't the orgasm great?

I seen a lot of you smile-- do like that when I said "orgasm."

Isn't that shit right? Oh, 'cause the orgasm is all of that.

And you know if you didn't do nothing else,

you'd love to have an orgasm, 'cause it feels so good.

You'd have it every minute if you could have that shit.

You'd have it during conversation if you could have it.

"Hey, what's up now? Oh!

"Okay, well, who had said that?

Oh!"

Some women ain't having that shit though.

That's sad. I'm sorry, ladies.

I'm sorry. I don't know what it is.

I would love to work with you.

I like women that have them multiple orgasms though.

Man, oh, man. 'Cause that shit feeds your ego too.

You know what I'm talking about. You get in and shit.

You just put the dick in, and the legs start shivering through here.

They're like, "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!"

You're like, "Uh-huh. I told your ass.

"Uh-huh.

"I told your ass.

"Don't you go nowhere.

Don't you go nowhere."

She having it when she walk to the bathroom.

She's like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh."

And you just look at her, "I'm a bad motherfucker.

I'm so smooth."

You even call your boy,

"Yeah, I just made her come about 14 times."

And you know when you did some good fucking,

'cause you get in the mirror butt-naked, looking at yourself,

drinking Kool-Aid, talking about...

Ladies hate when men come quick. They hate that shit.

And it's hard to throw this shit off, ain't it?

It's hard to let them know, 'cause you get in and shit,

and sometimes, ladies, I'm telling y'all,

it's so good, we can't help it.

We didn't know going in it was gonna be that good.

And we try-- they know when we can't

'cause our motion ain't the same.

Our shit go from here to...

And they lift your head up.

"No, you didn't. No, you didn't!"

(laughter, applause)

Ain't shit you can say, but, "I'm sorry."

But sometimes, fellas, we try to throw that shit off too.

When we get in the motherfucker, right? We get in and we're like,

"Oh, shit, not now, no. Not now, no!"

We try to throw it off, think of something else. We start--

"One potato, two potato, three potato, four."

♪ On the good ship Lollipop. ♪

When y'all do that foreplay,

you know, take the time to do that.

I love head. I do.

Mm-hmm. I'm serious.

If you give good head, ladies, you can hook me emotionally.

I'm like a little kid when it come to head.

I'll be back in the house, "Excuse me.

Can you do what you did earlier, please?"

And I like to watch too, man. I like to watch.

I didn't used to like to look at the woman giving head,

'cause, you know, I would peek and shit, she'd look up,

and I'd be like Stevie Wonder.

♪ If you really love me, won't you tell me... ♪

'Cause I didn't want to embarrass the girl.

But I figured how could I embarrass her? She's sucking my dick.

I said, "What the fuck are you thinking about?"

And sometimes I tell them, "Look, I'm gonna look, girl.

I'ma just look. Do you mind? I'm gonna look."

Some women don't give a fuck. "Motherfucker, look on.

I don't give a fuck what you're look--

(popping lips)

You live around here?"

But you know what I hate?

When the teeth hit the shit,

when the teeth scathe it, 'cause that shit hurt.

And you're like "Argh!"

You want to hit them but you can't, 'cause they're hooking you up.

So you're like, "Watch that shit. Watch that shit."

And if you don't know how to suck a dick,

you shouldn't be in the vicinity.

You shouldn't be down that motherfucker.

Say, "I don't go that route."

Just stay up. You know what I'm saying?

'Cause some women suck your dick and then ask for a favor.

(smacks lips) "Let me know

when you get ready to come."

Brother like, "Okay, I'll let you know. I'll let you know."

(moaning)

"Ah! You didn't tell me

you was getting ready to come!"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't talk.

"The only way to let you know

was to bust you on your head."

"I ain't trying to hurt nobody.

Can't we all just get along?"

'Cause, shit, let a woman-- you be down there and a woman about to come.

She'll break your goddamn neck if you try to get up.

"Uh-uh, you don't do that! You don't do that!"

'Cause, see, I'm a firm believer in,

"Do me, and I'll do you back."

But I gotta tell you though,

I'm growing up too.

As much as I would love to do

each and every single woman here tonight,

you can't do everybody,

because some of you don't wash your ass.

I'm saying you know who you are.

Right now pussy smelling like bacon bits.

Some of y'all don't wash your ass properly.

You've got to wash and scrub your ass.

No, no, you don't go from the back to the front.

You don't bring the shit to the clit. You don't wipe from here.

You've got to go here and here and drop.

You know the motion.

Bow, bow, bow!

So I don't wanna fuck you. "I do wash my ass.

I use Dove."

Well, Dove ain't kicking in.

You know when your shit ain't smelling right,

when you ain't right, you know.

Listen, I'm with the ladies.

I understand you go through problems.

I know women go through vaginal changes that they just can't help sometimes.

They can't. Sometimes some women go--

if you don't eat right, if you take the wrong antibiotics,

if you wear the wrong panties,

they could be sensitive to all that shit.

And boom-- I know your shit-- it acts up. The vaginal thing acts up.

But let your man know that before he go down.

Stop him. "Oh, baby, no, no.

I don't think you want to do that right now."

He's like, "Damn. Okay, cool.

Shit, should I come back on Monday?"

But don't let your man go down on you

knowing you got a damn yeast infection.

Come up with dough all on his motherfucking lip.

Talking about, "Anybody got any butter?

I like jelly on mine."

I tell a lady if her shit ain't right. I'll tell her in a minute.

"Hey, girl." You know when your pussy ain't smelling right.

You smell it, trying to ignore it.

Fuck that. I go like this. "Smell that, girl.

"Smell that.

"Smell that. Smell that.

"See, that's you.

"That's you right there.

"See, that's your shit. Smell that. That's you.

Oh, no, I ain't been out of the house in a week. This is you."

I'll tell a woman in a minute-- douche.

What is it? Doosh or douche?

Well, do both of them motherfuckers.

I'll even go out and buy the douche for you.

"Yo, my man, give me four douches."

Come back, I'll put it in for you.

Squash-squash, squash-squash,

squash-squash, squash-squash!

But, see, some women make excuses.

"Fuck you. Fuck you. Kiss my ass, motherfucker.

"You don't know the woman's body.

"You cannot douche all the time.

You are gonna wash all the natural juices out."

Well, I don't give a fuck what you do.

Put a Tic Tac in it.

Put a Cert in that motherfucker.

Oh, this look like a good goddamn place for a stick-up.

I love y'all. God bless.

♪ ♪

(cheers and applause)

♪ ♪

(rap beat playing)

♪ What you wanna say when you wanna get funky ♪

♪ What you wanna say, what you wanna say ♪

♪ When you want to get funky ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Keep on moving, y'all ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make, make it funky ♪

♪ Keep on moving, y'all ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make it funky. ♪