All language subtitles for Martin.Lawrence.You.So.Crazy.1994.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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♪ ♪

Woman:
♪ You so crazy ♪

Man:
♪ What you wanna say
when you wanna get funky ♪

Martin Lawrence:
♪ I'm-- I'ma tell you
the truth ♪

(rap beat playing)

♪ I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm--
I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ I'ma-- I'ma--
I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪
♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪
♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪
♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪
♪ My baby ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪
♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪
♪ I'ma-- I'ma--
I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪
♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ The man's in the house ♪

♪ ♪

(cheering and applause)
♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ My baby ♪

(cheering intensifies)
♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

♪ You so crazy... ♪

Audience: (chanting)
Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!
Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!
♪ I'ma tell you the truth ♪

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!
♪ Make it funky ♪

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!
Go, Martin! Go, Martin!

Go, Martin!
Go, Martin!

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!
♪ My baby ♪

Go, Martin! Go, Martin!
♪ I'ma tell you the truth. ♪

Go, Martin!
Go, Martin!

(cheering and applause)

Yeah! What's up?

(audience shouts)

That's right.
That's right.

I hear the ladies
hollering for me,
like I'm fine.

(cheering and applause)

Shit, y'all ain't gonna
have me believing

I'm fine in this motherfucker.

I remember I couldn't get
the women back in the day.

Now I got women fucking me,
talking about,

"I don't know
what it is about you."

(laughter, applause)

Wouldn't happen to be
this 100 grand

in my motherfucking pocket,
would it?

Thank y'all for coming out.

This means a lot.
I'm having fun.

I'm even noticing white people
are coming out now.

You guys like me now, huh?

Y'all never used to say
shit to me.

"Just move out the way,
nigger, move."

Now white people are like,
"Hey, Martin,

you fucking go, boy!"

(laughter, applause)

(mouths words)

Ha!

Yeah, but I got to fuck
with you, 'cause I like you.

I gotta talk about
this thing called racism.

It bothers me.
It fucks with me.

I cannot believe
racism still exists.

(applause)

It fucks me up
when some white people

don't accept
black people in America,

'cause you brought us
to this motherfucker.

We was in Africa, chillin'.

♪ Amdanah, anah-nah,
amdanah, nah-nah-nah-nah ♪

♪ Amdanah, anah, ah, ah. ♪

Motherfucking titty free, right?

Just chillin'.

White people told us
there's a party on a boat.

We got on a wrong boat,
wound up in America.

They made us wear clothes,
covering our shit up.

Uh-uh. Tonight, baby,
we're going back to Africa.

Black people, ladies,
pull out your titties.
Let's go.

(laughter)
Pull out your titties.

Come on, just pull
the motherfucker out.

Show a nipple.
It's all right.

If you've got raisin titties,
I'd let them flow.

I don't care.

But racism fucks with me, man.
It bothers me.

That's why I-- Look, America is
the best country in the world.

But I'm not the motherfucker
to call during war.

Don't call me.
They call me, I'm like this:

"I'm sorry,

"I can't motherfucking go.

(laughter, applause)

I already done been
in a war, motherfucker."

My lady gonna say,
"What you doing?"

"Bitch, do what I do
before they draft your ass!"

And I know there's some people
out there-- white people going,

"Oh, my God, is he on
this whole racial thing?"

But ask yourself,
"Does racism still exist?"

Audience: Yes.
You're motherfucking right
it still exists.

The Rodney King
ass-whupping

was a prime example
of that shit.

And they didn't just
whup Rodney's ass.

They whiz-az-az-az-azupped
Rodney's ass.

And Rodney kept getting up.

I ain't understanding shit.

I'd have been just like
a little bitch, chillin'--

(screams)
--with the ass-whupping.

But, see,
Rodney kept getting up

'cause, see,
that's how black people are.

We don't stay down for nobody.

(cheers, applause)
You know what I'm saying?

Rodney had that Kunta Kinte
spirit in him and shit.

You know, you remember

fucking Kunta Kinte
was running his ass off.

And Kunta said,
"I got to be free."

They cut off his foot.
Kunta was like this.

"Fuck it."

They cut off both his shit.
He just...

(laughter, applause)

Shit.

Motherfucker kept running.

We weren't bullshitting
with that Rodney King thing.

Was not playing that night.

But that was the nicest,
though,

white people had ever been,
wasn't it?

You could get over in traffic
that night, couldn't you?

"Excuse me, white man,
can I get over?"

"Sure, come on. Just come on.

Fucking go ahead, bu-u-uddy."

And then...
then at night, man,

I was watching television.

They had the nerve to air
"Driving Miss Daisy,"

showing you how shit
it used to be.

Morgan Freeman
talking that shit--

"Oh, come on now, Miss Daisy,

I's trying to drive
you to the store."

Shit, I wish I had starred
in that motherfucker, y'all.

The dialogue would have been
a little different.

"Bitch, shut the fuck up.

"I'm trying to drive
your stanking ass to the store.

"Suck my dick,
Miss Daisy, you stank--

"Bitch, get your ass
up out the car.

"Get the fuck up
out the car, bitch.

Get your ass on out the car."

(laughter, applause)

(chuckles)

And the media was getting jokes
in on us and shit, wasn't it?

The media think they're slick.

White media will have
some jokes for our ass.

"Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

"They just looted
another supermarket.

"I can guarantee you,
if you come down here,

"all the chicken is gone,

all the watermelon
and malt liquor is gone."

That's all they showed
that night,

was black people coming
out the store with shit.

Black people, black people
coming out the store with shit.

They even showed me one time
coming out with some shit.

You know, 'cause I had to be
down with my people.

But they didn't say shit
about the Mexicans.

Nothing.
And tell the truth.

Come on now.
Mexicans got them some shit.

I love the Mexicans.

Hasta la vista
and Chavez to you.

But you got you some shit.

And Mexicans didn't even know
what the quarrel was about.

They just saw an opportunity
to get some free shit.

I had Mexicans
roll up on me, crying,

(in Latino accent)
"Yo, my man,

"this is fucked up.

"This should never
fucking happen.

"The way they beat
Rodney Dangerfield was wrong.

(laughter, applause)

He don't get no respect."

It was crazy. We gotta get over
this racial hump.

We have to.
It's very important.

What fucks me up, though--
I just wish white people
would tell us

what bothers them about us.

Like, white people,
I can tell you what
bothers me about you.

You motherfuckers too gipper.

You know
this is your country.
"Hello, darkie.

(laughter)

Move, darkie."

They know
they have America, man.

I just wish white people
would admit to it.

Like, white people,
admit you hate--

like, when you're
in a movie theater

and you see black people
walk in the movie theater.

Yeah, you want to get
the black dollars,

but you want us to see that shit
in our own neighborhood.

When they see black people
walk in the theater, like,
"Oh, fuck.

"Honey, look.
Fuck, look, look.

"The one in the X hat.
Look up, the one in
the goddamn X hat.

Watch, they sit
right behind us. Watch."

'Cause they know,
when we walk into a movie,

we're gonna talk all the way
through that motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying?
And we don't holler
corny shit out.

That's just how we are,
black people. We're emotional.

We don't holler corny shit out.
White people holler
corny shit out.

"Look out.

"Watch out.
I hope he doesn't get hurt.

Someone hold your horses."

Black people don't do that shit.

"Watch out, bitch!

"The motherfucker got the knife!

"Bitch, watch it!

Oh, you dumbass motherfucker!"

(cheers, whistles)

And white people want to tell us
to shut up bad, right?

But they're scared
they're gonna get
their ass kicked.

So they don't say nothing.
They just gesture.

(sighs)

And go tell on you and shit.

Them some telling
motherfuckers, isn't it?

(laughter, applause)

(mouthing words)

And is it me,

but don't some white people
get funky with your ass

when there's
a lot of white people

and you're
the only black person?

They get funky
with you, right?

They act like
you annoy them and shit.
You know what I'm saying?

You can't ask
a simple question.
You can go in a supermarket,

there's 20 white people around,
you're the only black.

You walk in a supermarket.
"Hi, how you doing?

"Excuse me, can you tell me

where I can get
some toothpaste from?"

"If you look up on aisle six,

"it says it.
It says 'Toothpaste.'

"You just have to fucking read.

(enunciating)
"'Toothpaste.'

Use your vowels."

But let a gang of black people
ask that same shit.

"Excuse me,

"can you tell us...

(cheers and applause)

...where we can get
some toothpaste from?"

"Sure, I'll show you.
Come on.

"What are you looking for?
Colgate? Aim?

What do you want there?
Tartar control?"

Gotta get over this racial hump.
It's very important.

Black men-- black men,
stay out of court.

'Cause we don't stand a chance
in no goddamn court.

You know that.
Just ask Mike Tyson.

(chuckles)
Shit, ask Mike.

What's the white boy
they got over in court?

Who is the white boy
that got over? The one--

No, the white boy
that was eating all the ass,

that had the ass.

Motherfucking Dahmer.
Ain't that a bitch? Dahmer.

They put this man on trial.

What the fuck is
the trial about?

You found an ass
in the refrigerator--

guilty!

Man, if that was black people
eating white people,

they'd have brought
the electric chair to his
motherfucking house.

Ehh-hh-hh!

Just like that
Waco, Texas, shit.

Shit, let some black people
run up that much money.

They'd have blew
that shit up on
Martin Luther King's birthday.

(cheering and applause)

(chuckles)

But Dahmer, man--
that's fucked me up, man.

I knew he was white too.
They said, "We found an ass
in a refrigerator."

I said,
"He's white, ain't he?"

Dahmer tripping,
just sitting around,
eating black people

like it ain't no thing,
just...

Watching "Cops" and shit.

(laughter)

It was fucked up
how he would lure boys
up to his house and shit.

'Cause he told them,
"Come on up. I'm gonna
give you some head."

They didn't know he meant
that shit literally.

Scary, man.

And black men,
black men,

stay the fuck out of jail.

Got enough of us in there.
You know that.

Enough.
(applause)

And better not--
There'd better not be
a black person in here

that say they don't know
nobody in jail,

'cause that's bullshit.

Ray-Ray, Earl, Craig,

Shorty Tim, you know,
Little Reg--

all them motherfuckers in jail.

Shonda's little brother--
all them in jail,

chillin'.

Black people kill me,
though, in jail, right?

The ones that are locked up
sending pictures home,

like jail is a nice
motherfucking place to be.

Always posing too,
talking about...

(laughter, applause)

Shit, if I was in jail,
my shit wouldn't look like that.

(moans)

"Dear Mama, a lot of shit
has changed."

See, that's why
I can't go to jail, man,

'cause I know they're gonna
try to fuck me, you know?

And how am I gonna tell
my mother that I've been
fucked in jail?

"Mama, they're
fucking me, Mama."

Well, you know your mother
is gonna try to console you.

"That's all right, baby.
If somebody else puts

"their dick in your ass,
just lock your ass.

"Lock it and snap it
and break their ass.

"Pow!

Snap their shit off."

That's why I can't go to jail,

'cause I know
they're gonna try to rape me.

Not 'cause I look good,
just for bragging rights.

Just to say,
"Oh, who, Martin?

"Oh, yeah, I fucked him.

Yeah, you know, he tried to lock
on me and shit."

You know what I'm saying?
I can't have that.

That's why I got
my shit planned.

If I got to go to jail, see,

I ain't gonna wash my ass.

See, I'ma be
a nasty, dirty, filthy,
stinky motherfucker.

I'ma walk in shit.
I'ma...

(laughter)

I'ma wipe my ass with my hand.
My wave's gonna stink.

"Come here for a minute.

"Come here for a minute, man.
Come here for a minute.

(audience groans)

Come on, man.
Come here for a minute."

You want some ass?
You're gonna get some
nasty ass.

See...

See, a lot of brothers
that get raped in jail

are brothers
who talk shit, you know.

You know, just go in there
yik-yakking, running off
at the mouth.

If you go in jail
and you're quiet,

brothers don't know you,
don't play you as much.

They say, "Damn,
man, he's kind of quiet.

Let me chill.
He might to try to shank me
up in here."

But if you go in jail
like this...

(laughter)

"Listen up.

"I'm here to do
my motherfucking time.

"Ain't gonna be no sticking
the dick in the ass.

I don't play that old bullshit."

Brothers are gonna
be like, "Damn, man,
he's kind of bad, huh?

He's kind of hard, huh?"
A little later on at night,

he's still gonna be bad,
but he's gonna be like this--

"Damn, didn't you hear
what the fuck I had said
earlier?

"Oh, you is an old
disrespectful motherfucker.

"This is fucked up.

"Mama say lock my ass.

Mama say lock my ass."

One thing-- if I had to like
anything about jail--

'cause jail is a fucked-up
place to be--

is that when a brother
goes in there

and uses his time wisely.

You know, pick up a book,
you know, brother, read.

You know, I don't give
a fuck what it is.

Ain't read nothing
all their life.

It could be
"Mary Had a Little Lamb,"
but they try hard.

You know what I'm saying?

(speaks slowly)
"'Mary had a little lamb.'

"Whew.

"'Mary had a little lamb.

"Mary had a--'

"Man, how many lambs
did the bitch have?

This shit is frustrating."

And it's fucked up, though,
when they read one book

and get out and try
to educate you on some shit.

You ever see that motherfucker
you ain't seen in a while?

And you come up to him,
you're like, "Damn, man,
where you been?"

And he like,
"Oh, man, these people
had me incarcerated

"over some things I had done
back in the past,

"but what I found is,

"if I utilize my talent
and my mind,

"I can grow
as one human being.

"See, that's where I'm at
with the mind.

"I think, we got to--
in order to grow,

"we gotta love the brother man
and the other man.

"I think it's very
important to do that.

"Basically,
what I'm trying to say is,

you got $5 on you
I can borrow?"

(laughter, applause)

And them brothers go in there
working out, though.

I like that, you know.
Brothers go in there,

get their little
workout on,

you know,
pumping it up.

You know what I'm saying.

One arm, for some
particular reason, though,

get real big up in jail.

I never understood that.
(laughter)

What, y'all know
something I don't know?

No, no, one arm is,
like, you know, husky,

just real, you know...

My thought was,
I think brothers
in that motherfucker

like that...
beating their shit.

I never beat my shit, man.
I never beat my shit.

No, I lie
like a motherfucker.

I lie like
a motherfucker.

Oh, I lie like shit.

It's my shit.

I can beat my shit.

It is me.
It is who I am, okay?

It wasn't nothing I planned.
No man in here plans
to beat his shit.

Am I right or wrong?
It's something that happens
on accident.

You know what I'm saying.
You're sitting there,
around the house one day,

chillin', you know.

Just flicking through
the channels, trying to mind
your own business.

You know,
and you're flickin'
and you're chillin'.

Okay, let me see
what the fuck is
on television.

Click. Oh, shit,
"Andy Griffith" is on.

Oh, shit.

Go ahead, Barney, you know
you ain't got no bullets

in the gun,
motherfucker.

Go ahead, Aunt Bee,
with that little fat ass,

little apple-pie ass.

Why you ain't never had
no black people in Mayberry,

motherfucker?

(yawns)
Motherfucking tired as shit.

I'm fucking tired,
chillin' and shit.

Fucking...

Nigga just chillin'.

Motherfucking chillin'
like a motherfucker.

Tired than a motherfuck.

Brother just chillin'
like a motherfucker.

Nigga tired,
boom, ah-ah, ooh.

Chillin' like a motherfucker.

(laughter, applause)

Chillin', chillin', chillin',
chillin' like a motherfucker.

I'm chillin'
like a boop, boop, boop.

So tired.

Chillin' like a boop.

Chillin' like
a motherfucker.

Chillin' like a...

(laughter, applause)

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, oh.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Ohh-hh, shit, oh.

Ohh-hh.

And then you done found,
you said,

"Damn,
I got to get to know me

a little more often."

Now let me ask
the ladies a question.

Do ladies accidentally
do that shit?

Do you accidentally
masturbate, ladies?

You don't accidentally
do that?

Bullshit.
Y'all are doing your hair,

and putting on your
makeup on your eyebrows,
your lipstick and--

(shrieking)

(laughter)

Y'all don't accidentally
do that?

Well, fellas,
do that shit, man.

Fellas, beat your shit.
Beat your shit.

That shit work, man.

When your lady act like
she don't wanna give you
no pussy, say,

"Fuck it, baby.
You ain't got to give me shit."

And get in bed butt-naked...
(grunts) right on her butt.

(laughter, applause)

Say, "That could have been
in you, girl,

but you chose otherwise."

(laughter, applause)

It'll work for you ladies too.

When your man act like
he trying to fall asleep
on the couch, say,

"Fuck you.
Carry your ass to sleep."

And then get in bed
butt-naked... (shrieks)

He'll wake up, "I want some."

Say, "Fuck it, I'm all right."

He like, "Damn, you don't holler
like that when I'm with you."

"Motherfucker,
I know what I like.
You don't take the time."

(cheering)

I bet he'll be checking
with your ass before he
go to sleep from now on.

"Look here,

you need anything
before I go to sleep?

Okay."

(laughter, cheers)

Good night."

Can I get a sip of water?

No, 'cause you know, fuck that,
you can't pause in a black show.

"Nigga, get your water
and hurry the fuck up.

Nobody come here
to see you drink water,
motherfucker."

(laughter)

Woman:
Martin, we love you!

And I love you back.

(cheering and applause)

But my moms kept me
out of jail though.

My mother and my family
kept me out of jail,
and I thank that--

thank my moms and family
so much for that, man.

And I got--
My mother is that strong
black woman, y'all.

I love her.
And you know
what I'm talking about.

If you love your mother
like I do,

you know ain't
nothing like a mother, man.

(applause)
Nothing like a mother.

See, my mother's so cool, man,
'cause she raised six of us.

You see, my father was there
for a little while,

but then they broke up,
you know.

And I can-- Now, look,
I can understand,

you know, sometimes
relationships don't work out.

Your parents don't get along
and you break up.

Your father go his way.
You go--

But take care of your
motherfucking kids.

(applause)
It ain't their fault.

No, you've got to.

'Cause no kid has to be
in this motherfucker.
They don't have to be here.

So you gotta take care
of your kid.

And my father left, man,
and it was fucked up,

'cause when he was there,
we had a yard, y'all.

You know, we was running
around in the yard.

(laughter)

And then he left and shit,
and we were like the Jeffersons.

♪ Well, we're moving on down. ♪

And we was in the projects
and shit,

in the street,
ducking cars, when he left.

And I said, "Damn, man,
my pop's gone.

Don't worry.
He's doing his thing."

My moms, though,
a strong black woman,

said, "We're gonna be
all right."

And she raised six of us,
so it was cool.

(applause)
But-- No.

But you know what?
We didn't have--

When he left, we really
didn't have the money and shit

for my mother to do
all the things we needed.

And my mother tried.
You know, she tried hard.

You know, would try
and go out and buy us
the things we wanted,

like other kids, you know.

We wanted Nikes.
She'd go out and buy Sikes.

You know what I'm saying?
"Ma, these are Sikes."

"All you got to do
is paint a damn 'N'
on the motherfuckers.

"It's the same damn thing.

So what, they got heels on it?
It's the same thing."

And we never had clothes, right,
that fit us, right?

Like, our pants were
always high-waters.

They never touched
the bottom of our shoes.

And people would always
cut on our family.

"Why don't y'all pull
your shoes up?"

And I hated that shit, man.
I hated that shit.

So I used to unbuckle my pants
and shit, wear a long shirt,

and put it down
and pull my pants down.

But people knew
I was doing that shit,

'cause my pocket was all the way
down this motherfucker.

(laughter)

(chuckles)

Whoo!

So my moms tried.
She tried.

We always had--
She tried to keep a little
food in the house,

but we never really
had much food,

'cause there was, like,
six of us and shit, you know.

And there was times
my mother didn't eat.

I said, "Mom,
why don't you eat something?"
She'd make up excuses.

"I'm on a diet.
Y'all kids go and eat."

I was like, "You need to take
a bite of this shit, Mama.

Your stomach's growling."

'Cause I knew
she was hungry, you know.

And one thing we always had
in the house,

in the ghetto, was bread.

Always had some
motherfucking bread.

And if you're from
where I'm from,
black people know,

you can do a lot
with some goddamn bread,
can't you?

You know what I'm talking about,
black people.

You remember them
motherfucking apple sauce
sandwiches and shit?

Right? Them little
sugar sandwiches?

What was the best shit
of all though?

The little syrup
motherfucking sandwich.

Remember that shit?
You sit on the porch

with a syrup sandwich
like that.

♪ Mama gonna work it out,
Mama gonna work it out. ♪

Eating a motherfucking
syrup sandwich.

And we was
one of them families

that wasn't too proud
to beg, you know.

We'd go next door,
'cause there was days
we wanted meat.

'Cause we ain't had
no meat in the house,
and we'd go next door.

We didn't give a fuck.
We ain't-- No shame in our game.

We'd go next door.
"Excuse me.

"Y'all got a pack of hot dogs
we can borrow?

"Y'all ain't got no bologna,
no nothing?

"Well, did y'all get y'all
government cheese yet?

"Man, fuck y'all!
Y'all got some food.
We've seen y'all

"go shopping yesterday,
motherfucker.

"That's right.
Don't come outside,

or I'ma bust you in your head
with a loaf of bread."

But if you're living
at home,

and you know who you are,
with your mother,

living in the basement,
you're too grown
for that shit.

Get up out the house.

If you're a grown adult,
especially a man,

35 years old, at home,

putting your name
on the orange juice...

talking about,
"Ma, don't touch my shit."

Get out the basement, man.
'Cause I'm telling you
what gonna happen.

Your mother gonna come
in the basement,

catch a girl down there
sucking your dick.

Then you're all gonna be
embarrassed.

You mother walk in-- "Ah!"
You're like, "Ma!"

Your mother--
"I didn't see nothing.
I didn't see nothing."

But most of all,
the girl sucking your dick
is embarrassed.

"Oh, my God.

"Your mother done caught me
sucking your dick in this house.

"Your mother done caught me
sucking your dick.

You know, I gotta go
apologize to your mother."

Girl go upstairs--
"Mrs. Lawrence.

"Ooh, Mrs. Lawrence.

"I'm so sorry you caught me

"sucking your son's dick
in your house, Mrs. Lawrence.

I'm so sorry."

But you know your mother's
gonna back you.

"That's all right.
That's all right.

"Just stop letting
his balls drag.

"It's cold
in the basement, okay?

"Pick the balls up.

Cuff the balls."

See, you don't have to have
no fly place.

You can have a little place.
It don't matter.

It could be a hut.
You can have one chair
and a hat.

Just style that motherfucker.

And spray that shit
women like.

What is it, ladies,
that smells good?

That potpou--
potpourri shit.

Ain't it?
Women walk in
and smell that shit--

panties just
come right off.

"I feel comfortable here,"
as long as it's clean.

I found out
women don't leave you

as fast, though,
if you have a nice place.

See, some ladies know
a comfortable roof over their
head when they see it.

They don't walk out
on you as fast.

But let you have
some nasty, dirty,
piss-infested shit.

You know, when you walk in
and it smell like all piss
through the house.

And you wind up
pissing anywhere,
you say,

"Fuck it, everybody else
done did it."

You better--
If you had a nasty place,

you better not say
them words to a woman.
"Get out."

"Get out?
Bye, motherfucker. Shit.

"I thought your ass
would never say shit.

"You can keep everything
I brought over here.

You probably pissed on that."

But let you have
some fly shit,

some nice,
beautiful shit,

they act like
they're gonna leave you.

You could tell them,
"Look here, let me tell you
something.

"I'm tired of arguing.
I'm trying to share this
with you, okay?

"I'm trying to get us
to chill, you know
what I'm saying?

"You know, if you can't get
with the indoor pool,
outdoor pool,

"a little music studio,
bowling thing, you know
what I'm saying?

"You know, this is yours.
But you don't like that?
Then fine.

You can leave.
You can always leave.
I'm not holding you here."

Women play that shit off.
"Fuck you.

"You know what I'm saying?
Fuck you, okay?

"I don't give a fuck
what you have--
this little indoor pool

"and this little bowling--
that's material bullshit.

"It don't mean shit.
It don't make what's
in the motherfucking heart.

"You can keep
all this bullshit,
your little glitz

"and your little glamor
and your little airstrip shit.

"This is bullshit.
Let me get my shit and get
the fuck up out of here.

Why are you acting like this?"

(laughter, applause)

Let me ask y'all something.

You guys been drinking tonight?

'Cause y'all--
y'all been drinking?

Don't lie.
Tell the truth.

Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I'm hearing the sisters
hollering out, talking about,
"I've been drinking."

Y'all get fucked up
on a glass of wine.

Woman: That's right.
You right, I know.

Y'all be drinking that shit.
"Ooh! Ooh!"

That's why brothers like this,
"Go ahead.

Take one more sip.
Just one more sip."

You'd better stop that,
or you're gonna wake up
with a dick in your mouth.

(smacks lips)
"Whose dick is this?

Whose dick is this?"

And how do motherfuckers
get this drunk?

(laughter)

How-- How the fuck
do you get that drunk,

when you don't know
when to say when,
you know?

And they got
in some areas though--

some cities
where they give you

a free ride home
if you're drinking.

White people thought about that.
"Don't drink and drive
in a hurry.

Call us
and we'll get you home."

See, that's good.
That's a beautiful idea.

See, 'cause that's true--
don't drink and drive.

Drunks use that number too.

They call it, dial it.

"Hello.

"I'm drunker than
a motherfucker, baby.

I need to get
to 445 Canyon Road."

A white person comes,
picks him up, takes him
to 445 Canyon Road.

It be another party.
"Thank you.

"Thank you very much.

"I'll call you motherfuckers
when I really need to get home.

Make me a drink,
motherfucker."

(laughter)

Can you still get good herb
out here? Reefer?

(audience shouts)
Yeah? You can get that shit?

Look at all
the dealers, like,
"Yeah, motherfucker.

How much you need, nigga?"

Remember that shit?
Herb was cool back
in the day.

'Cause it was, what,
a flower, a leaf
or some shit?

You smoking herb,
hitting the chronic, you--

"Yeah, motherfucker.

"Yeah, that's some
good shit there, nigga.

That's some good shit
there, nigga."

You remember
when you hit that shit.

♪ Suckah, suckah. ♪
Remember that shit?

You sit around,
hitting the joints on both--

♪ Yeah, one nation ♪

♪ Under a groove. ♪

And then they started
trying to take you

higher and fucking higher.

Now you got crack.
Oh, damn.

Leave that shit alone.
That's sad.

It's sad to see
a person on crack,
isn't it?

'Cause you're fucking--
cocaine and all that
bullshit.

'Cause you just watch
your whole life crumble.
And that shit is sad.

And it's even more sad
to see women on that shit.

'Cause women still think
they look good.

And, you know,
when you're on crack--

(laughter)
No, seriously.

When you're on crack,

how come your ass
is the first to go?

It look like somebody
done beat you on your ass

with a book bag. Bang!

Lock and gone.
And they'll be
missing teeth.

You ever see somebody--
You see them, and one week,
they got teeth.

The next week,
they ain't got
none of this shit.

And you're like,
"Where's your shit?"

They say,
"Oh, I must have
smoked those."

Women still think
they look good on crack.

That shit ain't
looking good-- women walking,
talking about...

(laughter)

That shit is fucking sad, man.

But herb though--
herb had you tripping though.

Herb though had brothers--
It was some brothers
that smoke herb

that was smarter
than your average scientist.

You know what I'm saying?
They'd break some shit
down to you.

'Cause it made you
analyze everything.

Brother's sitting there,
chillin' with the herb,
you know.

"Yeah, motherfucker.

"I'm watching last week

"on fucking TV...

"'The Wizard of Oz.'

"You know, it had
the Tin Man,

"the Scarecrow,

"the Lion.

"Them motherfuckers
looking for a heart...

"courage,

"and a motherfucking brain.

"None of these people
are looking for no pussy,

"and they're skipping
down the street with a bitch.

(laughter, applause)

"Shit.

"Shit, had that been me,
I'd have fucked Dorothy

"right on
the Yellow Brick Road.

"There ain't no place like home,
is there, Dorothy?

Ain't no place like home."

The only fucked-up
thing, right,

is when you is--
might be getting high
with your boy

and found out some shit
that you shouldn't have
found out.

Ain't that some shit?
Y'all are shaking
your heads.

'Cause you feel
like, when you're on it,
confessing some shit.

You're going around
getting high and shit.
You're chillin'.

You hit the joint
with your boy.

"Yeah, motherfuckers,
we're gonna go to the club

"after we leave here, nigga.

We're gonna get our
motherfucking boogie on."

And you're like,
"Yeah, we're gonna go
to that little club

we went to last week."
And your boy says,

"Look here, man,

"before we roll out,
can I talk to you
about some things?

Can we get a rap?"

You're like, "Yeah, man.
What's up?

Talk to me, motherfucker.
What's on your mind, nigga?
Talk to me. What's up?"

"Oh, see, man,

I just want
to take this time

to-- to--
to accommodate you,

to-- to-- to--
to say thanks to you

for all you've done
in my growing up."

"Well, see,
you're my friend,

and I got to do
the best I can do
to help you."

"See, I understand that,
because, see, you have
always accommodated me

"in anything that
I've ever asked of you.

You know, I think back
to when we was little."

"Yeah, we was some
wild motherfuckers when
we was little, weren't we?"

"Oh, yeah,
we was real wild
when we was little.

I think we was
no more than, what,
seven or eight?"

"Yeah, we probably was
about seven or eight."

"Oh, you sure was.

"I remember how we would go
down to the park.

You remember the park?"
"Oh, the park was
a motherfucker."

"Uh-huh, you remember
the park?

I remember you used to like
to swing on the little
monkey bars."

"Yeah, well, you know,
I just tried to be good
at what I was doing."

"Oh, you were good.

"You also looked good too.

"I remember
you would jump
on the monkey bars,

but you used to wear
these little tight
red shorts."

(laughter)

"What the fuck my shorts got
to do with anything?"

"You used to wear
these tight red shorts

that used to ride
all up in your ass."

"Yo, man, that herb
got you bugging
or something.

What the fuck
are you doing?"

"No, it don't.
No, it don't.

"I remember
how we would go

"swimming in the creek.

"Remember when we'd go
in the water?

"I remember we would get
to the creek,

"and you would dip your head
in the water,

"and you'd come up
and you'd shake it like that.

"And your hair would lay
right over your right eye.

"You had that good hair.

Everybody had thought you had
Indian in your family."

"What the fuck
are you saying, man?"

"I remember
how you would just

"dip your body in the water,

"and you would come up,

"where water would just glisten

all over your body."

"What did you say?"
"Water would glisten

all over your body."

"Yo, man, what the fuck
are you getting to?
What are you saying?"

"See, see, when the fuck--
how come

"when I try
to tell you something--

"I'm trying to motherfucking
explain something to you,

"something that's been
on my mind,

you got to start
cutting me off?"

"I'm sorry.
Damn, I didn't know this shit
was that important to you,

"you was that emotional.
I'm very sorry, man.

"Nigga, I'm your motherfucker.
What's on your mind?

"You know, it just sounded
kind of funny to me.

I don't know
where you're going."

"Motherfucker, you're
just cutting me off.

"I'm trying to tell you
something.

"I know where you think
I'm going with this and shit.

It ain't like that, nigga."

"My fault. You're right.

"It just sounded kind of like--
I don't know. My fault.

"What's on your mind?
Look, you're my boy.

That's what friends are for.
You're my boy. What's up?"

"You just want me
to come out and say it?"

"Yeah, what's up?"
"You just want me
to say it?"

"Yeah."

"Can I please

suck your dick, man?"

(cheering and applause)

Let me ask you
a serious question, fellas.

If your boy asks
if he could suck your dick...

Man:
Get the fuck out of here!

...would you let him?
(laughter)

See, some of y'all
are lying your ass off.

You know goddamn well
some of y'all would be
like this.

"What? What?

Well, hurry up,
motherfucker. Hurry up."

♪ That's what friends are for. ♪

(laughter, applause)

Well, I'm for the ladies,
like I said.

You know, I'm a guy
that loves relationships.

You know, I love
a relationship,

a good, strong relationship.

It just seems like
I never get the shit right.

You know, boy,

I remember one time though
in a relationship

this girl got me good,
y'all.

I thought this woman
was all that, y'all.

I thought she was
the one for me.

You know what I'm talking
about, fellas,

when you meet a girl
and you just want to--

damn, this is
motherfucking good.
This is the one.

You know why?
'Cause this woman fucked me

how I want to be fucked,
I mean, good, just--

"Nigga, huh? What? What?

"Shut your mouth.

Shut your punk ass up."

You know, I was like,
"Oh, shit, do your thing."

You know, I was running
out the bed. "Oh, damn."

But not only that,
she could cook her ass off.

See, a lot of women
don't know that's the way
to a man's heart sometimes.

If you can fuck him
how he wants to be fucked

and make a hell
of a sandwich,

shit, you're in there
like a motherfucker.

All you gotta do is,
"Uh, uh."

Then go in the kitchen,
"Eat that, motherfucker."

He'd lay in bed like this,
butt-naked--

"God damn, you're
the motherfucker, baby.

"You put cheese on this?

God damn,
she's the motherfucker."

But, you know,
I've been in and out
of relationships.

I said, "Damn,
what the fuck is the problem?

Why does it seem
like I can't get it right?
What am I doing wrong?"

And I started
evaluating myself.

I didn't do
the same things I used to do
when I first met them.

Some of y'all know
what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm saying.

You don't do
the same things we used to do
when we first met them.

Remember when
we first met them,
we'd hold hands

and walk and talk,
all that bullshit

we know you don't feel
like doing.

"Oh, who said that?

Oh!"

We're doing all this shit
'cause we know we got
some pussy to get.

Oh! But once you
get used to them,

all that shit change.
You be like this--

"You'd better come on.
You'd better bring your
little stupid ass on.

You get the fuck
on my nerves."

And she like,
"Fuck you, you get
on my goddamn nerves.

"I can't stand your ass.

I don't know how the fuck
I hooked up with you anyway."

"Oh, you know
how you hooked up with me."

And you like, "How'd we go
from this shit to arguing?"

We don't even
order food the same
when we first meet them.

Remember when you first met them
and you ordered some food?

You was happy
to order some food.

You walk in a restaurant--
"Look at you, girl.

"Uh-uh, my baby
looking good. Look at her.

"Ooh, you're my baby!
Come on, girl, get
something to eat.

"You hungry, ain't you?
Come on and get you
something to eat.

"God damn, look at you. Mwah!

"You go, girl!
Come here, girl.

"Look at you.

"Go ahead.
What, baby?

"What? What do you want
to eat, huh?

"Why are you tripping
like that, girl?

"Of course you can get cheese
on the motherfucker, girl.

"Yo, my man,

"give her two pieces of cheese.

Hook it up."

But once you get used to her,
all that shit change.

"What? I ain't got
no motherfucking money
for no cheeseburger.

"Get a hamburger.
Well, then fuck it.
You won't eat.

"Give me a hamburger, yeah.

"Put extras.
Yeah, put some onions
and all that shit.

That's why your ass
is fat and bloated now,

fucking with all
that cheese.

Round about up in here
your shit is pocketing,

all neck,
fucking with that cheese."

And you're like,
"Damn, we argued
over cheese."

And then, you know,
shit I used to do--

I used to take
relationships for granted.

I used to--
I thought that the shit was
just supposed to happen.

You know, I thought,
in a relationship,

you should know me,
you should know what I like,
and it should happen.

Yeah, if you're with the person
and you're communicating,

and you get to know each other's
likes and dislikes and wants.

Yeah, those things
fall into place.

But I'll be madder
than a motherfucker
if I came home

and nothing wasn't cooking.

I'd walk in the house
and shit,

you know,
just smell Pine-Sol.

So I know
her ass was cleaning,

but... (sniffing)
I walk in, I don't smell

no chicken frying, no nothing.

I go up to her--
"Excuse me, baby, can I
talk to you for a minute?

Can I--
Can we rap for a minute?"

"Yes, what--
Yes, what's the problem?"

"Uh..."

Look in the stove first
before I start jumping
to conclusions.

Let me...

Nope, ain't nothing there.

"Uh...

You been home all day?"

"Yes."

"Uh-huh,

"so, um,
you didn't get an urge

for a Butterfinger
or nothing, huh?"

"Yes, I got a little hungry,

but, I mean,
I managed. Why?"

"Hmm, hmm, hmm.

"Uh...

Did you know I was coming home
about 5:00 or 6:00?"

"Yes."

"So you mean to tell me

you couldn't cook nothing up
in this motherfucker, huh?

You couldn't make a steak up
or nothing

up in the goddamn house, huh?"

"Well, motherfucker,
had we been communicating,
you would have known

"I didn't have no money,
and you damn sure didn't
leave none.

Now get the fuck
out of my face."

(cheering and applause)

That was fucked up,
'cause my only comeback was,

"You-- you'd better
watch your mouth."

(laughter)

Your girl has to be
your best friend, man.

And you have
to be her best friend.
You guys gotta communicate,

talk, 'cause can't
no relationship just work,
you know.

Your girl gotta be
your best friend, man.

You gotta play with your girl.
"Come on, baby. What's up?"

Play with your girl-- bam!
"You left your pussy open.

Left your pussy open."

"Uh-uh,
that's enough play.

You so crazy.
You so motherfucking crazy."

And then you gotta make sure
you spend that time
with your lady.

The lady gotta spend
that time with her man.

'Cause what do women
say to us most?

Yes, they want to be held.
Yes, they want to be loved
and all that.

But what do they
say to us all the time?
"Spend time with me.

"Spend time with me.
Spend time with me.

"Spend some quality
fucking time with me.

"Why do you have to be
running in the streets

"all the time
with your friends?

What, are you fucking
your friends?"

(laughter, applause)

And some of those brothers
are like this--

"'Cause I ain't got no time.

I gotta go.
See you when I see you."

'Cause I found out
when a woman is in love
with your ass,

she looks forward
to being with you.

She just wants
to be all up under you
and the whole nine.

But sometimes we fuck up.
'Cause I'll take you
through a week.

A woman will come
to your ass on a Monday.

"Baby,

"I know it's Monday,
and I was wondering

"if we were gonna hook up,
if we were gonna
spend some time.

"What's up, baby?
I want to be with my baby.

What's up?
Can we spend some time?"

"Sorry,

"I had told Craig and them

"I was gonna go out
with them.

Gotta go.
See you when I see you."

So Monday goes by.
Tuesday goes by.

Wednesday gets here.
Your lady says,

"Well, I ain't
spent no time with my man
on Monday and Tuesday.

I know I'ma get
Wednesday with my man."

So she approaches you.
"Baby,

"I know you was busy
on Monday and Tuesday,

"but I was wondering,
are we gonna spend
some time today?

"I want to be with my baby.
I just want to be with you.

What's up?
Are we gonna spend some time?"

"Sorry,

"I had told Craig and them
I'ma kick it with them.

Gotta go.
See you when I see you."

Now Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday's
gone by.

Friday gets here.
You ain't spent no time
with this woman so far.

Now the woman say
to herself on Friday,

"Look, I know I'ma get
Friday 'cause my man
been busy all week.

I know I'ma get
to spend some time
with my man on Friday."

So, a woman
goes out on a Friday,
get her nails done,

get her hair done.
And when a sister gets
her hair done,

oh, her shit is like,
kow, kow, kow!

Kow-plow!
You know?

And a sister show up
on your job on a Friday-- bam!

And you don't even say nothing
about her hair 'cause you're
mad she showed up.

"Fuck you doing here?

Fuck you doing
on my goddamn job?"

"Well, shit,
I can't seem to catch you
no other time.

"Listen, I know
you were busy

"on Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, and Thursday,

"but it is Friday,
and I want to be with my baby.

"I want to be with you,
and we don't have
to go anywhere.

I just want to be
with you, baby."

"Sorry,

I had told Craig and them
I'ma kick it with them.

Gotta go.
See you when I see you."

Now, a whole week
has gone by,

and you ain't spent
no time with your lady.

You forgot
you had a lady.

And who reminds you
you ain't spent no time?

Your own
motherfucking boy.

'Cause he get mad at you.
"You know what, man?

"You're just chipping
and chapping and running off

"at the motherfucking mouth
all the goddamn time, you know.

"I'ma tell you what the fuck
you need to do, nigga.

"You need to go home

"and spend some
motherfucking time
with your lady.

"You ain't got no more money
for no beer, motherfucker."

And then it dawns
on him, man.

"Oh, damn.
Yeah, you're right.

"Shit, let me go home
and spend some goddamn time
with this woman.

"I swear I don't feel
like going home and hearing
her motherfucking mouth, man.

"Every time I go
in that house, I gotta hear
her goddamn mouth.

Let me go home
and spend this fucking time."

So you walk in the house
on a Sunday.

Your lady just
got out the shower.

You know what I'm saying?
Body all clean,

then she got her body
all oiled.

Got on some cut-offs,
sweat shorts.

The pussy print
look like a fist.

You know what
I'm talking about, fellas.

Looking like
a motherfucking camel foot
in that motherfucker.

You know what
I'm talking about.

She got on a cut-off
tank top, with no bra

and still got a little water
on her back,

so when the air hits the water,
the nipples sprout out.

And her motherfucking hair's
still looking good

'cause she ain't been nowhere.

And all week, she-- weekend,
she slept on the shit like this.

(laughter, applause)

So you walk
in the house, mad,

'cause you gotta spend
this time.

(grunts)

Walk in the living room.
She laying on the couch.

"What you doing?"

"Nothing.
Just, you know, laying
on the couch, reading."

"Yeah? What the fuck
are you reading?"

"Nothing.
Just a good book.

'Waiting to Exhale.'"

(cheering and applause)

"Yeah, well, whatever.

"Well, look here.

"Uh, I know I ain't been
spending no time with you,

"but, uh,
put some clothes on.

I'll take you out,
get you a little bite
to eat or something."

"Ain't you gonna spend time

with your friends--
Craig and all them?"

"See, see, see,
this is why the fuck
I don't come home.

"You know what I'm saying?
'Cause I got to hear all
that bullshit about,

"ain't I gonna spend
some motherfucking time
with my friends--

"Craig and them?
This is bullshit.

"Let me tell you something.
You want to go out to eat
or not, okay?

"I ain't come home to hear
you yipping and yapping
and all that bullshit.

"Either you want to eat
or you don't.

"Every fucking time
I walk in the house,

"I gotta hear you
telling me about this shit.

You want to eat or not?"

And she act
like it hurts her
to tell you this.

"I think
you'd better sit down."

"Fuck I got
to sit down for?"

"You remember
when I kept asking you

"to spend time with me,

"to spend time with me,

"to spend time with me,

"to spend some quality
fucking time with me?

"You never had the time.
You always had to be
with your friends.

"You never had
the fucking time.

Well, somebody else
got your time."

(laughter, applause)

So, immediately, we gotta
play this shit off.

(laughing)

"So another motherfucker
got my time?

"Well, if that's how
it had to be.

"Oh, well,
I'll tell you what.

"Obviously,
you see I didn't want
the motherfucking time.

"I was never here, you know.
But, hey, boom!

"That's no thing to me
'cause I was probably gonna

"leave the relationship
any-motherfucking-way.

"Let me call my boy,
get the fuck up out of here.

"You foul. You ain't
never gonna, never,

"never find another motherfucker
that's as good to you as I am.

"But that's okay,
'cause I'ma be all right, girl.

"I'ma be motherfucking
all right.

"Let me call my nigga,
get up out this motherfucker.

"Yo, yo, yo, yo.
What up, man?

"Yeah, yeah, just got into this
little thing with her, right?

"Yeah, we broke up.
Come get a nigga.

"Get me up out, yeah.
Yeah, bitch went crazy.

"I'm saying, tripping like
a motherfucker.

"But I'm cool, you know.

"So, yeah, come.
Yeah, okay, yeah.

"Um, bring the truck,
'cause I got a lot of shit.

Okay, cool."
Click.

"Bam! Get the fuck up out,
you know, pack my shit on up.

"Get the fuck up on
out of here.

"But I'ma tell you like this.
I'ma tell you like this.

"You should have been
a woman and came to me
and talked to me.

"That was some
punk shit you did.

"But I guess
that's how you are.

"You know what I'm saying?
You know, get the fuck up
out of here.

"And I'ma tell you another
motherfucking thing.

"I should crack your
motherfucking forehead.

"I should crack
your motherfucking forehead.

Just for disrespecting me,
I should crack your shit."

"I know you would,
but I gotta go.

See you
when I see you."

(cheering)

You fucked up.

But all brothers
ain't like that now.

'Cause you got some
brothers that want to be
with their girl,

don't want to do nothing else
but be a good man and be up
under their ladies.

And some women don't
like that shit.

"What? What?

"What?

"Isn't the Knicks or somebody
playing basketball?

What?"

Brother like,
"What? I just want to know

if you want to go to the zoo."

"The zoo? Zoo your ass on away
from here, motherfucker."

That's fucked up.
You can't treat a good
brother like that,

'cause then you lose
a good thing.

But you know what's
also fucked up, right,

is when you, like,
spend four years

in a relationship with a person
and then break up,

when you commit years
and then break up.

'Cause that's hard.
'Cause now you find yourself

right back in the club
you left,

looking for another
motherfucker.

You know?
That shit is messed up.

And also what's messed up
is when you get in
a relationship,

and find out the person
is not who you thought
they were.

That's fucked up.
That's like, "Damn."

'Cause, see, I was very good
on, like, first impressions.

Like, the first
couple of months,
I was a bad motherfucker.

I was the nicest motherfucker,
you know,

before all that insecurity,
deranged, crazy shit sunk in.

Some of you ladies know
what I'm talking about.

You remember when you first
met the man-- he come up
to you in a club,

and he was
the nicest motherfucker
you could meet.

The gentleman,
he walk up to you in a club,

"Hi. Hi. Excuse me.
How you ladies doing?

"Um, this is embarrassing,
'cause I don't usually do this.

"I...

"I was going to head out
of the club,

"and I looked over here
and bam!

"Beauty hit me, you know.

"Um,

"I just want to drop
a card off with you.

"And if you don't have a man,

"I hope you use that number.

"Sorry, ladies, to interrupt.

"You're as lovely
as you want to be.

Bye-bye."

(cheers, applause)

Uh-huh,
that's what women say.

Soon as we walk away...
(shrieking)

"He was fine!"

But you ain't seen
no sign of him

being crazy, deranged.

So, one day, you're walking
around the house,
looking at this card,

talking about,
"Well, that was kind of nice.

"I mean, shit, men don't
usually walk up on me like that.

Let me call him,
see what he's about."

So you dial the phone.
(imitates dial tones)

"Hello.

Can I speak to... Reg?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
this is Reg.

Yeah, this is Reg.
Who-- who's calling?"

"This is Debbie.
I met you at the club.
I was sitting with my girls."

"Hey! Oh, I know you.

"Yeah, the one I left
the card,

and as lovely
as you want to be."

"Well, anyway,
this is not like me.

"I don't usually call anyone,
but I was very impressed

with how you approached me.
I think that was very nice."

"Well, hey, you know,
men got to respect the ladies.

You know what I'm saying? Ha!"

"Well, I'm kind of busy
all week,

"and I was wondering
if you would like

to get together tonight?
Or is it, you know,
the last minute?"

"Oh, no, no,
this is perfect,

"because I wasn't doing
nothing, just, you know,

"laying here, watching
'Andy Griffith,' you know.

"But...
(laughter)

"You know, but, uh,

"uh, let me wash my hands

"and, uh, uh...
(laughter)

...get a pen, get your address.
I'll come get you."

So go, you hang the phone up.
You go call your girl.

"Girl, he on his way over,
this motherfucking guy.

"He sounds so nice
on the phone. He sounds just
like he did that night.

Girl, I hope this is
the one for me. Goodbye."

Now you ain't hear
nothing on the phone

of him being crazy,
deranged.

So he come, pick you up.
Y'all go out to dinner.

Everything's
kicking at dinner,
and it's lovely.

Everything is nice.
It's beautiful.

You're looking at each other.
"The way you smile,

"the way you move, girl--
you're something else.

Yeah, I've been hurt
a lot, yeah."

"Well, I have too."
"Got a little something
on your mouth."

"Oh, damn, will you
look at the time?
It's almost 12:00.

"You know what?
I don't even want
to keep you out too late.

"So let me get you home
at 12:00.

"I would like you
to get some rest,

so you can hopefully
think about me tomorrow.
Ha-ha!"

So he gets you home, right?
Right at 12:00.

And you're like,
"Damn, this is--"
at the door, you're like,

"This is very nice.
No man has ever really
gotten me home at 12:00.

They like to keep me out
all night."

"Hey, I'm not like every man."

(laughter)

So you close the door,
you run, call your girlfriend.

"Girl! Oh!

"Girl!

Girl, this motherfucker
came, picked me up."

You tell her about the date.
"And he was so nice.

"Girl, he didn't even want
to keep me out all night.

"Wiping food
off my mouth, girl.

"I mean, he looked so good
in his little suit.

"I mean, he had on some
white sweat socks,

"but, I mean,
I could change that.

I could change him."

So now you start
spending a little
more time with him,

like, three months,
getting into it.

You ain't seen no sign
of him being

crazy, deranged.

(laughter)

So, one day at the end
of them three months,
your girl comes by.

'Cause they ain't hung out
with you in a while.

"Girl, what the fuck?
Where you been?
We ain't hung out with you.

"I mean, what's up?
Would you hang out with us?

I mean, who is this guy
you're spending
all the time?"

"Girl, he is so good to me.
That is my baby.

He's in the other room,
so would you be quiet?"

"I don't give a fuck.
Girl, come on,
we are your friends.

"It's all right to go out.
Why don't you go out with us?

"I mean, if he's a good man,
he'll understand.

"I mean, did you ask him,
could you go out?

"I mean, you know how men are
about us going out.

They don't like us
to go nowhere."

And you're like,
"Yeah, you're right.

"Let me go in there
and find out.

"I might be going out
with y'all. Hold on.

"Baaa...byyy...
(laughter)

"Um, I know I promised

"we was gonna spend some time
and everything,

"but I haven't been out
with my girls in a while.

Do you mind if I go out?
What's up?"

"Oh, you want to out
with your girls?

"Oh, shit, go ahead.
Have a good time.

You just be careful out there.
Go on out and have a good time."

You're like,
"Okay, I'll call you. Bye."

(shrieks)

"I told you he's all that.

"Fuck y'all. I told you,
my man all that.

"You ain't seen no sign
of him being

crazy, deranged."
(audience repeats)

(laughter)

All right? But let a couple
of months go by

and try that same go-out shit.

One day, he'll call you.
"Look here, girl.

"Uh, on my way over.

Getting ready to leave work.
Getting ready to head
over there now."

And you're like,
"No, no, baby, don't do that.

"Didn't you get my message?

"I'ma go out
with the girls tonight,

"'cause we had
such a good time
last time we was out.

"I'ma go out.
You need to stay home
and get some rest,

'cause last night,
you just looked so tired.
So I gotta go. Bye."

And then he's like,
"Hold on. Hold on a minute."

"What? What?"

(exhales)

"Why the fuck
you got to be going out

"all the goddamn time?

"Why the fuck you got to keep
running to the club

"all the motherfucking time?

A real lady would keep
her ass home sometimes."

You look at the phone.
"Uh-uh."

Click-- hang up on him.
Go in the closet, put on
your fuck-him dress.

Go to the club,
"Fuck him, girl. Fuck him.

"Fuck him, girl. Fuck him.

Fuck him, girl. Fuck him."

Now, while you're in the club,
talking about "Fuck him,"

in your fuck-him dress,
you know what I'm saying?

You ain't thinking
you hung up on a crazy,

deranged motherfucker.

So who come walking
in the club

in their pajamas?

(laughter, applause)

"I told her motherfucking ass.

"Gonna hang
the phone up on me?

"Not now, partner.
I'll talk to you in a minute.

"I'll kill everybody
up in this motherfucker.

"Gonna hang up on me?

Look here, woman.
Get your shit. Let's go."

And her girlfriend's like,
"Oh, no, he didn't!

No, he didn't!"

Now you gotta
play this shit off.
"No, he not mad.

"I had told him
I was gonna call.
Look, I'll get back to y'all.

I gotta go. Bye."

You're running behind him,
talking about,

"All I had was a cooler."

Now this motherfucker's
in the car, driving,

mad as hell in the car,
with some footies on.

"I told your ass,
don't ever play me like that.

Don't do me like that."

You're in the car
like this-- "Shit."

The windows are fogging up.
You're nervous as hell.

You sneaking, writing, "Help."

(laughter, applause)

(mouths words)

So you get in
the motherfucking house.

He walk in-- boom!
He kick the door open.

Bow! Mad.

You walk in. You walk in--
the motherfucker--

your phone ringing
off the hook.

Ring, ring, ring!
"Who is it?"

It's your girlfriends.
"Girl, what the fuck was
all that shit about?

What was all that about?"

What do you do?
Make excuses for his

crazy, deranged ass.

"Um, no, no, no,
calm down.

"No, girl, girl,
he was not mad.

"No, what had happened was,
last week,

"somebody had got shot
at the club,

"and he was worried
that they were going
to get to shooting,

"and he didn't want
nothing to happen
to his baby.

But I'll call you.
Bye." Click.

Now...

if a motherfucker
is crazy enough

to come get your ass
in a club

in some pajamas
and footies,

this shit don't get no better.

I was that crazy
motherfucker, man.

And what's worse than
a man being jealous,

crazy, deranged?

Shit, a woman.

'Cause they will kill your ass.

(laughter)

A jealous woman,

a crazy, deranged woman

hates to see another woman

smile at her man.

She will embarrass your ass
in a restaurant, won't she?

She'll pull you to the side.
"Come here, motherfucker.
Come here, come here.

"The fuck was all that shit
about, the bitch...

(laughter, applause)

...smiling all in your
goddamn face?"

You're like,
"No, baby, see, that was
the coat check girl.

"She took my coat
and she said, 'Thank you.
Have a nice day.'"

"Oh, so you don't know
the bitch?"

"Baby, calm down.
We're in a restaurant."

"Fuck. I don't give a fuck
where we're at. You're my man.

"I'll ask you any
fucking thing I want.

"Mind y'all's
goddamn business.
This is my man.

So you know that bitch?"
"I do not know her."

"Oh, you don't know her?"
"Baby, I do not know
the girl."

"Look, 'cause if you
want to be with the bitch,
you can be with the bitch."

"Babe, I don't know her."
"Oh, so you don't know her?

"'Cause I'll go there
and I'll ask the bitch too.
I'll confront her."

"Baby, that's
the coat check girl."

"No, fuck this shit.
Uh-uh.

"Excuse me.

"Yeah, you,
Miss Smiling and Shit.

"Yes, um, do--
I noticed you've been
smiling all night.

That man down there,
do you know him?"

"Who, that guy?
No, I don't."

"Well, what's all this shit?
What? What?

I mean, what's all
that shit about?"

"Ma'am, all I said was,
'Thank you.

Have a nice day.'"

"Well, let me tell you
something,

"Miss Thank you.
Have a Nice Day.

"Your job is to check coats.

"Check 'em, bitch.

(laughter, applause)

You bring your ass
on over here."

Scary, man.

But, see,
when you got love,

when you have love,
you have all that shit.

A round of applause
of all the couples

that are here tonight
that are in love.

(scattered applause)
(chuckles)

Four motherfuckers.

"We're in love
at this son of a bitch."

No, 'cause you know
what I'm saying.

Ain't nothing like
fucking love, is there?

Nothing is
like love, man.

And women
want to hear guys--
want us to tell them.

Women tell us that
all that time--

"Tell me you love me.
Tell me you love me."

Brothers, we act like
we can't say the shit.

"You a'ight."

(laughter, applause)

Fuck that, man.
We gotta tell them though.

Shit, we can tell them
in many different ways.

"Hey, girl,
I love ya.

"Oh, come on, girl,
you know I love ya.

God damn it,
I love ya."

But this is
the smoothest way
of all, right?

Right before they go
to work, you know,

or school in the morning,
stop them in their tracks.

You know, you're like,
"Hey!"

(mouths words)

Pussy wet all day,
ain't it?

"My man love me.

My man love me."

Splash!

Walking around saggy,
looking like a diaper.

'Cause that's love, man.
That's love.

Women expect, though,
if you tell them
you love them,

that you will
die for them.
Don't you, ladies?

You expect
your motherfucker--
I'm sorry,

you expect a motherfucker
to jump in front of
a bullet-- pow!

"Go, girl, go!
Get out of here, go!

Go!"

Shit.

Motherfucker
just shooting-- pow!

I'm like,
"Damn, I hope
she ain't get hit.

(laughter, applause)

God damn,
I dropped my hat."

Women expect, if they're
in a burning building,

for you to come
in that motherfucker
and get them.

If they're--
"Oh, baby, the fire! Fire!"

I'm like,
"I'm sorry!

I loved you!"

(laughter)

I'll throw you
a water bottle,
cold for your neck.

"Spray that
on your neck!

Keep the fire
off your neck!"

'Cause let your ass be
in a burning building.

They can see the fire
on your ass.

You're--
"Baby!

"Oh, baby, the fire.

Baby!"

"Throw down
your wallet!

Your wallet!

Don't let us all suffer!"

I ain't coming
in that motherfucker

and getting you out.

But you know when
you're in love, man.

You know when
you're in love,

'cause you start
doing things in front
of each other

that you wouldn't do
when you first met them.

You know what I'm saying?
Remember, when you first
met them,

if you had to fart,
you'd run outside,

say you got to change
the tire on your car
and shit?

But once you
get used to them,
you fart in their face.

Buh! "Shut up.

Make a nigga
a grilled cheese sandwich."

And women take it too.
"Boy, why don't you stop?

"You so crazy.
My mouth was open.

"My mouth was open.

You so crazy."

I ain't met a woman yet that
farted in front of me, y'all.

I don't think
they ever loved me.

I ain't met
a woman yet that farted.
I don't think they fart.

If they do, they know
how to hold that shit
real fucking good.

You know
what I'm saying?
'Cause that's why

they're always
complaining about cramps.

Every time you want
to make love,

"I can't.
I got cramps."

"Well, fart.
I'm ready to fuck."

And they won't shit
in front of you,

no matter how long
they've been with you.

When do
y'all shit, ladies?
When are y'all shitting?

I ain't never seen
my lady shit
or go take a shit.

I just wish a lady
would get honest.

"Ooh, I gots
to go shit."

Be honest.
When are y'all shitting?

I think y'all wait
till we go to sleep
or to work.

That's why y'all always
rush us in the morning
and shit.

"All right, I will call you.

I will call. Bye."

You walk back in the house--
"You're in there shitting,
ain't you?"

"You so crazy.
You so crazy."

And sometimes they go shit
at the wrong time.

Think about--
oh, man, you ever been
playing around,

kissing, playing around,
your dick get hard-- bam!

Right? And you're ready
to make love.

You're like, "Baby,
come on, let's do it now.
Let's do it now."

And she's like,
"Hold up, I got
to shit first."

And go take a shit

right before
you're getting ready
to make love.

And then come
climb her shitty ass
back in bed.

(laughter, applause)

Talking about,
"I'm ready."

"Oh, hell no, you ain't.

Got shit crumbs
all in the bed."

The next morning,
you're kicking the sheet
like this.

Boom! Kicking shit balls-- bow!

Doing the sheet,
like, shaking the sheet.

And in love--
when you're in love,

you play sexual games.
I think that's
kind of fun,

'cause you
get to know each other.
You set the games up.

"Hey, baby, look here.
Uh, what we're gonna
do, right?

"We're gonna wrestle
butt-naked.

"And, uh, I'ma wrestle you,
we're gonna wrestle,

"I'ma, like, get you down,
and then I'ma, like,
put the dick in.

Okay, you ready?"

But sometimes the woman's
too strong and shit.

You're like...
(mumbling)

"Look, no, look.

"Look, no, baby.
Baby, you've got to give
some goddamn time now.

Look, let's just fuck
the normal way."

And, fellas,
we don't care
when we're in love.

Boy, we get
on the bed butt-naked,
little dick and all.

Just on the bed like this,
dancing, right?

(humming porn groove)

And she's like,
"Boy, why don't you sit
your little dick self down?"

And you're like,
"That's all right.

You know
what it look like
when it grow now."

See, I don't brag
on my dick.

I'll tell y'all that now.
I don't brag on my dick.

'Cause I'll tell the world
I ain't packing.

I know some of you
are shocked right now.
I can tell.

I'm not packing, no.

I'm all right.
But don't get me wrong.

When I'm erect,
I can get in line
with some of the big boys.

I ain't running
from a motherfucker.

I'm cool. What's up?
How y'all living?

How you living?

But when I ain't erect,
I'm hanging out with Webster

like a motherfucker.

Right now, my dick chillin',

just chillin'.

You know
how your dick get
when you get in the pool?

That motherfucker be like
a little baby and shit,
you know.

See, I don't brag on ladies
how big my dick is,

'cause, see, ladies know.
You know, women know how
big our dicks are,

'cause they rub us,
they caress us.
They know.

When it's erect,
they hold it like this.

"Wow, this is nice."

But when it ain't erect,
they hold it with
two fingers.

"Hello?
Wake up! Hello?"

And we never want y'all
to see it or touch it.

We're like,
"Turn out the light.

I got a lot on my mind.
My dog just died."

I love sex though.

Use them condoms.
I know you don't want
to use them condoms.

It's hard,
you know, especially
in the morning, man.

It's hard to get out
of bed in the morning
and go look for a condom,

put the shit on, uh-uh.
'Cause in the morning

you just want to turn over
and get to fucking, right?

You just want to make love
in the morning,

'cause that's
your best time
sometimes to fuck.

'Cause you wake up,
you got sleep

all in your eye,
looking all ugly,

you know,
slob right here.

You're looking ugly.
She's looking ugly.

Your voice all groggy--

(in gruff voice)
"Good morning to you.

"I said, good morning
to you.

What you feel like doing
this morning?"

She sound like you.

(in gruff voice) "What do you
feel like doing this morning?

Let's get it on."

See, that's
your best fucking,
in the morning sometimes.

That is
your best fucking.
You know why?

Because the pussy
marinates at night.

The pussy simmers at night.

And at 6:00 A.M.-- ding!
"I'm ready."

"I know you are."

And the pussy
is amazing, isn't it?

It's so good. Ooh!

Isn't it?
Pussy is delicious.

It is-- oh.
I don't know
if you ladies know

how good your shit is.

Oh, man.

It's amazing too.
It can, like--

it adjusts,
I don't know.
It, like--

It just, like,
expands and shit.

You know, it's just,
like-- bam!

I mean, you could store
a chair in that
motherfucker

if they get their head
together.

That's what I be trying
to tell my brothers.

When you're running
from the cops,

don't hide
in no fucking closet.

Hide in the pussy.

Just say, "Look here, baby,
I need to get in your
pussy for a minute.

I'll explain it
to you later."

Craig, what you
doing in here, man?"

(audience laughs, groans)

And you know there be
some smart cop that find
your ass, right?

Some Columbo
kind of motherfucker.

"Ma'am, we've got reason
to believe

you're hiding someone
in the pussy."

"Why would you
say that, Officer?"

"'Cause there's
a goddamn Nike

hanging out
of your pussy.
Get out of there!"

You're like,
"Damn, man, brother can't
hide nowhere, man. Damn.

Craig in there too."

Love the orgasm.
Oh, ain't the orgasm great?

I seen a lot of you smile--
do like that when I said
"orgasm."

Isn't that shit right?
Oh, 'cause the orgasm
is all of that.

And you know
if you didn't do
nothing else,

you'd love to have an orgasm,
'cause it feels so good.

You'd have it
every minute if you could
have that shit.

You'd have it
during conversation
if you could have it.

"Hey, what's up now? Oh!

"Okay, well, who had
said that?

Oh!"

Some women ain't having
that shit though.

That's sad.
I'm sorry, ladies.

I'm sorry.
I don't know what it is.

I would love to work
with you.

I like women
that have them multiple
orgasms though.

Man, oh, man.
'Cause that shit feeds
your ego too.

You know
what I'm talking about.
You get in and shit.

You just put the dick in,
and the legs start shivering
through here.

They're like,
"Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God!"

You're like, "Uh-huh.
I told your ass.

"Uh-huh.

"I told your ass.

"Don't you go nowhere.

Don't you go nowhere."

She having it
when she walk
to the bathroom.

She's like,
"Oh, oh, oh, oh."

And you just look at her,
"I'm a bad motherfucker.

I'm so smooth."

You even call
your boy,

"Yeah, I just
made her come
about 14 times."

And you know when you did
some good fucking,

'cause you get
in the mirror butt-naked,
looking at yourself,

drinking Kool-Aid,
talking about...

Ladies hate
when men come quick.
They hate that shit.

And it's hard
to throw this shit off,
ain't it?

It's hard
to let them know,
'cause you get in and shit,

and sometimes, ladies,
I'm telling y'all,

it's so good,
we can't help it.

We didn't know going in
it was gonna be that good.

And we try--
they know when we can't

'cause our motion
ain't the same.

Our shit go
from here to...

And they lift
your head up.

"No, you didn't.
No, you didn't!"

(laughter, applause)

Ain't shit you can say,
but, "I'm sorry."

But sometimes,
fellas, we try to throw
that shit off too.

When we get in
the motherfucker, right?
We get in and we're like,

"Oh, shit, not now, no.
Not now, no!"

We try to throw it off,
think of something else.
We start--

"One potato, two potato,
three potato, four."

♪ On the good ship Lollipop. ♪

When y'all do
that foreplay,

you know, take the time
to do that.

I love head. I do.

Mm-hmm.
I'm serious.

If you give good head,
ladies, you can hook me
emotionally.

I'm like a little kid
when it come to head.

I'll be back in the house,
"Excuse me.

Can you do what you did
earlier, please?"

And I like
to watch too, man.
I like to watch.

I didn't used to like
to look at the woman
giving head,

'cause, you know,
I would peek and shit,
she'd look up,

and I'd be like
Stevie Wonder.

♪ If you really love me,
won't you tell me... ♪

'Cause I didn't want
to embarrass the girl.

But I figured
how could I embarrass her?
She's sucking my dick.

I said, "What the fuck
are you thinking about?"

And sometimes I tell them,
"Look, I'm gonna look, girl.

I'ma just look. Do you mind?
I'm gonna look."

Some women
don't give a fuck.
"Motherfucker, look on.

I don't give a fuck
what you're look--

(popping lips)

You live around here?"

But you know
what I hate?

When the teeth
hit the shit,

when the teeth scathe it,
'cause that shit hurt.

And you're like "Argh!"

You want to hit them
but you can't, 'cause
they're hooking you up.

So you're like,
"Watch that shit.
Watch that shit."

And if you don't know
how to suck a dick,

you shouldn't be
in the vicinity.

You shouldn't be down
that motherfucker.

Say, "I don't go
that route."

Just stay up.
You know what I'm saying?

'Cause some women
suck your dick and then
ask for a favor.

(smacks lips)
"Let me know

when you get ready
to come."

Brother like,
"Okay, I'll let you know.
I'll let you know."

(moaning)

"Ah! You didn't tell me

you was getting ready
to come!"

"I'm sorry,
I couldn't talk.

"The only way
to let you know

was to bust you
on your head."

"I ain't trying
to hurt nobody.

Can't we all
just get along?"

'Cause, shit, let a woman--
you be down there
and a woman about to come.

She'll break
your goddamn neck
if you try to get up.

"Uh-uh, you don't do that!
You don't do that!"

'Cause, see,
I'm a firm believer in,

"Do me,
and I'll do you back."

But I gotta tell you
though,

I'm growing up too.

As much as I would love
to do

each and every single woman
here tonight,

you can't do everybody,

because some of you
don't wash your ass.

I'm saying
you know who you are.

Right now pussy smelling
like bacon bits.

Some of y'all don't
wash your ass properly.

You've got to wash
and scrub your ass.

No, no, you don't go
from the back
to the front.

You don't bring
the shit to the clit.
You don't wipe from here.

You've got to go
here and here and drop.

You know the motion.

Bow, bow, bow!

So I don't wanna fuck you.
"I do wash my ass.

I use Dove."

Well, Dove ain't
kicking in.

You know when your shit
ain't smelling right,

when you ain't right,
you know.

Listen, I'm with
the ladies.

I understand
you go through problems.

I know women go through
vaginal changes that they
just can't help sometimes.

They can't.
Sometimes some women go--

if you don't eat right,
if you take the wrong
antibiotics,

if you wear
the wrong panties,

they could be sensitive
to all that shit.

And boom-- I know
your shit-- it acts up.
The vaginal thing acts up.

But let your man know that
before he go down.

Stop him.
"Oh, baby, no, no.

I don't think you want
to do that right now."

He's like,
"Damn. Okay, cool.

Shit, should I come back
on Monday?"

But don't let your man
go down on you

knowing you got
a damn yeast infection.

Come up
with dough all on his
motherfucking lip.

Talking about,
"Anybody got any butter?

I like jelly on mine."

I tell a lady
if her shit ain't right.
I'll tell her in a minute.

"Hey, girl."
You know when your pussy
ain't smelling right.

You smell it,
trying to ignore it.

Fuck that.
I go like this.
"Smell that, girl.

"Smell that.

"Smell that.
Smell that.

"See, that's you.

"That's you right there.

"See, that's your shit.
Smell that. That's you.

Oh, no, I ain't been out
of the house in a week.
This is you."

I'll tell a woman
in a minute-- douche.

What is it?
Doosh or douche?

Well, do both of them
motherfuckers.

I'll even go out
and buy the douche
for you.

"Yo, my man,
give me four douches."

Come back,
I'll put it in for you.

Squash-squash,
squash-squash,

squash-squash,
squash-squash!

But, see, some women
make excuses.

"Fuck you. Fuck you.
Kiss my ass, motherfucker.

"You don't know
the woman's body.

"You cannot douche
all the time.

You are gonna wash all
the natural juices out."

Well, I don't give a fuck
what you do.

Put a Tic Tac in it.

Put a Cert
in that motherfucker.

Oh, this look like
a good goddamn place
for a stick-up.

I love y'all.
God bless.

♪ ♪

(cheers and applause)

♪ ♪

(rap beat playing)

♪ What you wanna say
when you wanna get funky ♪

♪ What you wanna say,
what you wanna say ♪

♪ When you want to get funky ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Keep on moving, y'all ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make, make it funky ♪

♪ Keep on moving, y'all ♪

♪ Make it funky ♪

♪ Make it funky. ♪