All language subtitles for Life.in.Pieces.S04E13.WEBRip.x264-ION10

*

TIM:
I just can't believe

that Clementine
might be pregnant.

Oh, God, I know. We are way
too young to be grandparents.

Right?
My neck is still taut.

A stranger told me
that yesterday.

I mean, it was weird
that they just said it,

but it felt very nice.

-You're gonna be
such a hot grandma.
-Oh, thank you.

I haven't said that since
I was a kid to my own grandma.

-(door opens)
-Ooh.

(door closes)

False alarm.

Oh, thank goodness.

We read the test wrong.

Yeah, it turns out
that a minus sign

means that you're not pregnant.

Why would they do that?

A minus sign looks exactly
like a sleeping flat baby.

Yeah, okay, I hope that you guys
learned a lesson here.

Is the lesson that
babies aren't flat?

No, that you need
to be more careful.

Oh, we'll be careful.
We don't want to ever have kids.

I'm sorry, what?

We just don't identify
as selfless,

and we're not sure we ever will.

What do you mean you don't want
kids? Everybody wants kids.

I don't.

Of course you do.

Kids are a burden
on the environment.

You're a burden
on the environment.

You've proven my point.

Don't try
to outsmart your mother.

Don't you want joy in your life?

Look at how much joy you guys
bring us! Just look at it!

Well, I want a ton of kids.

See! Sophia's gonna
continue the bloodline,

and it's gonna be beautiful.

No, no. I'm gonna adopt.

Sophia, you go up to your room
and you don't come back down

-here till you're pregnant.
-Okay...

TIM: I know we didn't want
Clementine to be pregnant,

but part of me kind of did.

Oh, Tim, honestly,
you know what? I-I did, too.

Well, I guess it's gonna be a
while before we have grandkids.

We could always have
our own grandkids.

What do you mean,
like hillbillies?

No, I'm saying we're
still young enough

to have another
child of our own.

(scoffs) Tim, come on, babe,
I'm early 40s. Mm-mmm.

-Well, you're mid-40s.
-What?

43 is early 40s.

I don't think so.

-Yeah, no, I think it is.
-I'm a doctor.

Okay, why you trying
to make me older?

And do I need to remind you
that you had a vasectomy?

-Yeah, but I can
get that reversed.
-(scoffs)

Or we could do IVF.

What is going on with you?

I just feel like
the-the three best things

I ever did in my life are the
three kids that I made with you,

so why wouldn't I
want to do that again?

Oh, Tim, come on, no, don't
take me down that road. I...

Shh.
Come down the road.

(chuckles)
No. Stop it.

-It's a nice road
with lots of babies.
-Stop.

-Not on the road,
'cause that'd be dangerous,
-No, that's weird.

but up on the sidewalk,

holding hands with...
caregivers.

Come on, say yes.

Okay, if it is that important to
you, there are some options...

-We're having a baby!
-Oh.

Honey.

So how's it looking down there?

Bad. Real bad. This was botched
eight ways from Sunday.

-Who did this vasectomy?
-You did.

(scoffs)
No.

-Yes!
-No way I did this.

Wh-Wh-Why? What are you
seeing down there?

Look, whoever did this to you...

You... It was you!

Imagine we're carving a pumpkin.

You reach in,
you scoop out the seeds,

all the goop,
and you plop it on the side.

Now picture taking
that goo and ramming it

back in the pumpkin.

That's what we're gonna do
to your scrotum.

But then I'll be able
to have kids?

Oh, no.

Can I be honest with you?

You've been sugarcoating
it till now?

This is gonna hurt so bad, man.

But if you really want
to do this,

I can untie the knots
in those shoelaces.

All right, maybe we just
wait to see

what my wife's
egg production is.

God willing, she's barren.

(exhales)
Testicles.

More like mess-ticles.

Babe, hey! Guess what?

My OB said

I have the egg production
of a 20-year-old.

She also complimented
my neck. Yes.

(low-pitched):
Let's have a baby.

Oh. We're having a baby.

Yeah, another baby.

Hmm?

You okay? You look like
you're gonna throw up.

JOAN:
Hello, you have reached

Joan Short.

This is not Chicken George's
Chicken and Fried Chicken.

There was a misprint
on his takeout menu,

-so please don't place an order.
-(door closes)

MATT:
Hi, Mom.

We were wondering
if you would like

to watch Lucas for the evening.

Take your time.
But our Uber's out front,

-so we need your answer
pretty quick.
-Yeah.

GREG:
Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa,
what is going on here?

Oh, Joan has graciously agreed

-to babysit Lucas tonight.
-I have?

But she's watching
our kids tonight.

-I am?
-MATT: Yeah,

but you guys have had Mom
all to yourself

for years. Don't you think
it's time to share?

Well, I mean, it's not our fault

it took you guys
so long to have kids.

Fun point.

Oh, please, kids, don't do that.

She's right.
All right?

We shouldn't make
Mom-Mom have to choose

when she'd love to babysit
all of the grandkids.

MATT:
That's a great point, Greg.

Oh, and, uh, she just had
an eight-hour nap,

so good luck getting her down.

COLLEEN:
Oh, and one more thing.

Lucas has a ton of allergies.

So if you figure
out what they are,

please let us know.
Thank you.

Bye.

(Talia crying)

I thought we were going
to the theater.

-(gasps)
-We have tickets

to Jim Danvers
and his Singin' Dogs tonight.

Oh, honey, what can I do?

I can't say no to the kids.

Am I speaking Mandarin here?

It's Jim Danvers
and his Singin' Dogs.

I know, it's-it's almost

one of my favorite nights
of the year, too.

Nobody's happy about this.

And I need help.
And I tag you in.

-Pass.
-No.

You can't pass.

I didn't sign up
for this babysitting nonsense.

This is what grandparents do.

Now please put on a pot
of coffee.

Coffee at 7:00?
But I won't be able

to fall asleep
till at least 8:00.

(exhales)

Fine.
I'll have coffee.

But it'll be mostly whiskey.

Well, I hope you're happy.

The reviews are in.

"Danvers dazzles."

We missed the show
of the century.

I would have gone with you,
Pop-Pop.

It's a singing dog show.
It's not for kids.

Wait, why are they back?
They were just here.

They went home
to sleep peacefully,

and now that they're awake,
loud and incontinent,

they're back.

All right.
Well, good luck.

-Sit your sweet self down.
-(door opens, closes)

Hey, Mom.

-Hi.
-Heard you could use some help,

so I thought it might be nice

for Sophia to try babysitting.

That's wonderful.
Another pair of hands.

Oh, but I can't touch anything.

-I have pink eye.
-What?

(laughing):
She doesn't have pink eye.

That's crazy.

But just in case,
I have these drops for her.

Every two to four hours.

-So, I'll give you those. Okay.
-Hmm-mm.

Love you.

So, what's for dinner?

Pop-Pop wants stroganoff.

Oh, I'll have that.

But, um, hold the stroganoff

and add a side of...
anything else.

Oh, that sounds good.

I'll have that, too.

(scoffs) My mom always
made me feel ignored...

(snoring lightly)

-Joan?
-Oh.

Were you sleeping?

(stammers)

Deep, deep concentration.

You can pick up
right where you left off.

Okay, um...

Or maybe we could go back
a few sentences.

Okay, um...

Lark, what are you doing here?

Daddy said this
is Mom-Mom's playroom

and then he left for Costco.

Oh, mercy.
Uh, I'm so sorry.

Le-Let me just
get my husband here

and he'll, uh... John!

My eye is crunchy.

So, uh, forgive me.

What were you saying, please?

-I said I was feeling ignored...
-Lark!

Don't... don't do that, dear.

That... Oh.
Well, that's garbage now.

I'm so sorry.

You-you were saying.

-I feel ignored...
-Lark!

Lark, don't do that, darling.

I just lost a patient.

Who was he and how'd he do it?

-Oh, no, I mean
a patient left me.
-Oh.

You know, being
a built-in babysitter

is just ruining what I do.

I thought you said babysitting
the kids is what you do.

No, that was before
they killed my career.

Well, they're killing mine, too.

I mean, how can I be retired

with all these kids
running around?

Yeah, they're running over us.

We have to put a stop to this.

-(door opens)
-MATT: Hey, Mom?

Now's your chance.

Tell him you have your own life.

I will.
And I might even

poke my finger in his chest.

Use the crooked one, huh?

It always freaks him out.

We believe in you.

Yeah, your mom's
a strong lady, Tank.

Except when
it comes to grandkids.

Well, how long we got him for?

They didn't say,
but they had luggage.

Well, I'll put on
a pot of whiskey.

Oh, on second thought,
uh, I'll hold Tank.

That right eye of yours
is pink as bubble gum.

-Oh, no. Oh, no.
-Yeah.

Oh, honey,
we have to wash your hands.

I don't believe it.

All right, let's go.

All right, now, remember,
Lark-- we're playing

a really fun game, right?

And if anyone asks,
you live here.

-But this is Mom-Mom
and Pop-Pop's house.
-Okay, well,

if you're not gonna
play the game right,

-then just don't talk.
-All right, come on.
Pick it up. Come on.

-And we're off.
-All right, come on.

No.
No, no, no, no.

I can't take your chicken order.

If you call back and listen
to the voice message,

it will explain everything.

Hi. Oh.

Oh, what a wonderful surprise.
Am I babysitting?

No, but you are pretending that
this is our house. We had to

use your address to get Lark
into the good school district.

Yeah, and we heard Principal
Moore's making surprise

house checks today.
So it's gonna be a bloodbath.

I got it.
I got it.

Okay.
Let's do this.

Okay. Lark, honey,
I want you to take

your toys, and I want you
to just throw 'em all over

-the house, okay?
-But I'm gonna get a time-out.

-Not today, you won't.
-I'm so confused.

Okay, look, gaming
the system is confusing, okay?

But if you want
to have an art class,

you're gonna do it, little lady.

When you bribe a child,
the reward has to be immediate.

Have a soft calcium chew.

I'm into this ruse.

Okay, no time to explain.

There's a woman coming
from the school,

and we need to con her
into thinking

that we actually live here,
so just go with it.

No problem,
but do you think that woman

from the school is gonna
want to talk to this one?

Principal Moore.
Hello.

We live here.

I'm visiting from Tulsa.

Soft calcium chew?

Is that a bribe?

Lark, that's a time-out.

Holy crap.

Private schools
cost over 30 grand a year?

Wow. For 30 grand,
I can get a horimono.

-A what?
-Horimono.

It's a traditional Japanese
full-body tattoo,

typically of dragons,
koi fish, Hello Kitty.

Cool. Well, your new girlfriend
should love that.

What about homeschool? I mean,
we could teach 'em, right?

Uh-huh, okay, yeah, sure.

Uh, which one of us
is going to quit our jobs

and stay home all day, every day

with the kids
and never get a break?

You?

Or-or me,
or we could buy a teacher.

-I mean, how much do those
cost, legally speaking?
-Okay.

What if we just looked
for a house

in the good school district?

You know, like when you do
the math, it's gonna be cheaper

than putting two kids
through private school.

Are you doing the math?

I want to get a peacock
for my horimono

so that the feathers
can fan out over my abs

onto my chest and all
the way up to my neck.

Okay, let's go over the pros.

It's in a great school district,
it's in our price range,

-and there's room
for me to brew my beer.
-Okay.

Okay. Cons. Uh, it
needs a total renovation,

the bedrooms are tiny,

and there's space for
you to brew your beer.

So what do we think?

Great bones.

Nobody is disputing that,
but, uh, unfortunately,

it's not going to work for us

due to the fact
that it's terrible.

Well, I-I do have something

that's not officially
on the market yet,

but the owners
are entertaining offers.

-Mm-hmm.
-Ooh, I like the idea of
something that's forbidden.

She likes a lot of things
that are forbidden.

Greg, we just met this woman.

REALTOR:
Now, the home is a bit out

of your price range,
but it's the kind of place

I can see
your family making memories.

We already made memories here.

Mom?!

GREG:
Mom, Dad,

how could you sell our house?

Well, we were flirting
with single-floor living,

and we decided to see
how much we'd get for it.

And we can get a boatload,
so we're selling.

Maybe buying a boat.

Yeah, okay, but when were
you going to tell everybody?

I mean, this house means
everything to us.

What about the brunches?!

First thing I thought of.

What about the brunches?

We didn't want
to discuss anything

when there was nothing
to discuss.

But then we got a ton of offers.

It's so exhilarating!

And they do it all
in cash nowadays.

Briefcases full of cash.

Pretty sure
that's not how it works.

Plus, a couple told us

this house is in the most
desirable school district.

That was us.
We are that couple.

I guess I just thought

that this house would be
in the family forever.

Well, maybe it could be.

What do you think, John?

Oh, nothing
would make us happier.

But we'll need your offer in
by the end of business tomorrow.

And no lowballing.

We don't need to sell.

Hi.

Hey. Oh, uh,
your mom wants to know

what kind of food you want
for your birthday party.

Okay.

What?
What is it?

I heard back from Timehaus
about the job in Germany.

-Wait, the job?
-Mm-hmm.

Okay, w-what did they say?

Okay, well, I ran the e-mail

through the online
translator, and...

"You are being the job.

"Please take with us breakfast

"on the Tuesday
subsequent to next.

Cannot translate."

The offer's real.

(shrieks)
Oh, my God! Matt!

You're gonna be the art director

of the biggest watch company
in all of Europe.

I am so proud of you.

-Mm.
-Oh...

(exhales)

Are we really moving to Germany?

I mean, is that crazy?

Yes.
(laughs)

Getting out of the country
is just what we need.

What a relief to leave all this
credit card debt behind.

-What?
-What?

(Matt grunts)

Oh, hey, honey?
Um, can we hold off

on telling my family about
Germany until after the party?

I mean, it's gonna be pretty
hard on my mom and dad.

Mostly on my mom.

Um... okay.

Why'd you say it like that?

Um... no reason.

(accordion music plays)

So why is your birthday
party German-themed?

Mm. I wouldn't
really call it a theme.

It's called Mattoberfest.

Yeah, but it's pretty common

to have a geographic theme
for a birthday party.

I have never once heard of that.

-No, it's a thing.
-I'm not sure...

-It's definitely a thing,
Heather.
-Okay, yeah.

Why don't you just relax
and enjoy the perfectly normal,

ordinary birthday
sauerkraut bar?

Mm.

-(phone rings)
-Hello.

To Uncle Matt.
He's not just

the world's best
brother-in-law...

I'm sitting right here.

...he's also the best uncle.

I literally haven't moved.

And he's gonna get
a chance to do it again,

because we're having
another baby.

-MATT: Get out!
-(overlapping excited chatter)

-Oh, my.
-TIM: Which will happen

just as soon as I can get
Heather pregnant,

which will happen just as soon
as we can have sex again,

which will happen
just as soon as I recover

from my unimaginably painful
reverse vasectomy.

To Uncle Matt.

How wonderfully speculative.

Yeah, you know, I'm-I'm two days
post-surgery, and I feel good.

Well, congrats on
your future miracle.

Oh, thank you.
(groans)

We're a little bit older
than most new parents

but thank God
we have free available help

right across the street.

I wouldn't count on that.

Wait, what?
Is one of you dying?

Oh, my God,
are both of you dying?

Oh, no, honey, no.

But we may be selling the house.

MATT:
What?

You can't sell
our childhood home.

Oh, don't worry,
we're buying it.

That's not any better.

Calm down.
They only may be buying it.

May be?

Yeah, the offers
are very competitive.

One of them wrote
a beautiful letter.

Said this house reminded them
of the one they grew up in.

This is the house we grew up in.

MATT:
W-W-W-W-Wait.

Why does Greg get to
buy our house but I don't?

I can afford it now
with my new job.

Wait, what?
What new job?

I'm the new international
art director for Timehaus.

-Matt, that is incredible.
-(others reacting)

-(chuckles)
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Yeah, well, I've been working
my whole life

for a job like this.

It's just, um...

it's gonna be a long commute.

-So? Just listen to a podcast.
-Yeah.

It's in Germany.

You're moving to Germany?

Okay, these decorations
are such a coincidence.

Uh... (clears throat)
Matt?

-What's the matter, baby?
-That was our social worker.

So it turns out we can't take
Lucas out of the country

until the adoption papers
are finalized.

-But that's, like.
six months from now.
-Yeah.

What do we do?

Don't worry.

-I'm sorry.
-No, hey.

Uh, guys.
We're not going to Germany.

-Oh.
-Oh.

-It's just a job.
-(sighs)

Oh, no.

-I think I'm gonna sneeze,
somebody do something.
-Okay.

(Tim grunts)

You got it.

(sneezes)

Oh.
(sneezes)

(all groaning, muttering)

-(sneezing continues)
-Uh-oh.

-(overlapping groans)
-TYLER: Oh, no.

Honey.

TIM:
Oh, that did it.

Oh, I'm spilling out.

(sighs)
Finally got him down.

He is so gonna wet that bed.

He had, like, three
steins of juice.

-(sighs)
-What?

You have to take the job.

Oh, honey, come on.

No, no, no.
They said that we can't go.

No, we can't.
But you can.

-(sighs)
-You've waited your whole life
to catch a break,

and this is it. You can't let it
slip through your fingers.

Are you crazy? Honey, I'm not
gonna leave you and Lucas.

-It's six months.
-It's only six months, Matt.

And think of the future
it could give us.

We could pay for college
for Lucas, we could buy a house.

-But, Colleen...
-We're gonna do it.

We're just gonna figure it out.

Together.
Like we always do.

-Are you sure?
-Yes.

I want you to get on that plane

and I want you
to take that breakfast

on the Tuesday
subsequent to next.

* Diving in *

* While the current's fast... *

Be safe, Uncle Matt.

I don't want to scare you,

but I had a nightmare
about the plane.

So if the tail number

is 0-0-1,
please don't get on.

Shut up.
I had the same dream.

* We can burn much brighter *

* If we don't look back *

-I love you so much.
-Mm.

We're here
for Colleen and Lucas.

* To leave it all behind... *

No growing while I'm gone, okay?

* One step at a time *

* Here we go *

You're gonna be late.

Yeah.

Just remember...
wir lieben dich.

What does that mean?

We love you.

* Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh *

* Oh, oh *

* We'll get lost
until we're found *

* Darling, here we go *

* Here we go *

* Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh... *

SOPHIA:
We love you.

* No, we're never
slowing down *

* Darling, here we go *

* Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, no, we're never
slowing down *

* No, we're never slowing down *

* No, we're never
slowing down *

* Darling, here we go. *

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH