Original subtitles

Kev, Kev, Kev...

- Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev... - Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil...

- Oh! - Seven in a row!

That's seven for Kevin!

We're in Seventh Kevin, baby!

Hey, one more and that's a sweep, son,

and that means a naked lap for you, Neil!

God, not again.

Patty, what do you care? You're my sister.

You used to change my diapers.

Which is weird 'cause you're three years older than me.

- Come on. - Alright. Watch this.

- Kev... Aah! - Larry Bird!

I mean, sorry, Mom.

Neil, what is our one house rule?

Yankees suck.

No. Don't call me Mom.

And, yes, of course, Yankees suck.

Well, this looks fun.

This is practice.

Can't lose the beer pong tournament

at our anniversary party.

Okay, yes, well, about the party.

- I've been thinking... - Oh.

- Man. - No!

That maybe, instead of a rager,

we could celebrate our 10th anniversary

with something more... adult.

- Like a threesome? - Like a threesome?

Um, no. No.

Like, maybe a-a grown-up dinner together.

I mean, we are 35.

Yeah, but you're lady 35 and I'm boy 35.

What's the difference?

Well, I'm just hitting my prime, and you...

Hmm?

... are, too.

Very quick. I think she bought it.

Come on.

You love the Anniversa-rager.

You always say, "I don't want one!"

But I know you have the best time

- putting it together and... - Oh!

I do love a planning phase.

That's my girl.

Nothing says "party" like your flowcharts.

Alright.

Let's get this all cleared up, okay?

'Cause dinner's almost ready.

- Oh, come on! - I'm up next!

No, see, this is why I call you "Mom."

Guys, leave her alone, alright?

Someone has to be responsible. Right?

Thank you.

Okay, babe, how about this... How about next year,

we will celebrate our anniversary your way, 'kay?

- Okay. - Yoink.

Game on!

Game over! It's naked lap time, Neil!

- Hey, babe. - Yes?

Can you grab us freshies?

Allison, avert your eyes.

I can't have you leaving Kevin for me.

I'm fine!

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

_

Ugh.

Okay.

I just stepped on a very large roach.

Aw, no. Did you kill it?

Worcester Harvest Fair has a contest for biggest vermin.

'Course we do.

Next time, just, uh, sweep 'im into your shoe.

It was bigger than my shoe.

God. I hope he had babies.

Uh, what have I said about green stuff?

It's garnish.

On scrambled eggs and hot dogs?

Yes.

Uh. Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.

Yum.

Ke... Mm. Kevin, when I bought you

those Curt Schilling coasters, you promised you'd use them.

This coffee table's from Pottery Barn.

Pottery Barn from Goodwill is just Goodwill.

It's like getting lobster from McDonald's.

It's the nicest thing we have in this house.

Uh, I think you're forgetting about my Wade Boggs rookie card.

No, I'm not.

Hey. We've been here for 10 years now.

Don't you think it's time we take some of the money

we've saved and invest in our future?

Wade Boggs only appreciates.

You never get that feeling that maybe change wouldn't be so...

Nope.

Well, look at the time.

You really should get... really should get going.

Aw. Man.

Can't we switch places for the day?

How'd that work?

Well, uh, you can wear a fat suit and install cable,

and I can work at the happiest place on Earth.

- It's a liquor store. - I know what I said.

It's no fair that you get to work there

while I have to watch my snobby boss

- give the fiber optic job to Brenda. - To Brenda.

That job was mine.

Well, it pays the same.

You can't put a price on prestige.

Tell that to Pottery Barn.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna go run some errands before work.

Oh. Uh, hey, if you're looking

for an anniversary gift idea for me,

they make alcoholic snow cones now, so, just an idea.

I saw the note you left on the bathroom mirror.

You know that's permanent marker, right?

Well, that's 'cause it's a permanent reminder.

And I'm sure you're wondering what I'm gonna get you for the occasion,

so tell Neil what to get

- and he'll tell me. Okay. - and he'll tell you.

Love you.

Love you.

- Hey. - Hey.

Pick up your trash.

It's not that hard.

No!

Aah!

Why would anyone put a trash can there

in the first place?

Ugh!

It's yours if you want it.

I don't think it's wanting it enough that's the problem.

Well, a new listing came in.

I thought of you the minute I saw it.

What?

Sellers are motivated, it's within the gates,

but on the smaller side, and you only need 5% down.

Wow.

That's, like, all our savings.

10 years' worth just for a down payment?

I don't think I could...

Math is workable.

Math is workable?

Come on in, we'll do some crunching.

I'll take your coat.

Come on. Here.

- Um, let me, um... - Just a sec.

Sorry.

God, what the hell?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Oh, no. I just bit my tongue.

- Can I... - No, no.

Just come in, and we can discuss the...

You know what? It's... It's fine.

'Cause I don't think this actually would really make

a lot of sense for us right now.

Yeah.

But you should really ice that.

Hi. Excuse me.

- Hi. - Hi.

Um, could you tell me what shade of red is right?

I-It's my anniversary coming up,

and I've always loved kind of the classic red lip, you know?

But when I try, I always choose

the wrong shade of red and end up looking trashy.

With you? Impossible.

- Come on. - No, no.

I think whatever you're wearing now is perfect.

I totally agree.

This whole look really works for you.

Yeah. Well, it's just tinted ChapStick.

Well, you coulda told me.

And a Powah Ball quick pick, bonus numbah 11 for Edelman.

And, uh, throw in a couple of the wheel scratchers.

My girl likes 'em.

Allison.

There's my girl. How are ya?

Hey, D. I'm... I'm good. How are you?

Eh, you know, better than your Uncle Chuck with his back.

They call it a slipped disc?

More like it tripped down three flights of stairs. But...

what can you do, right?

Physical therapy?

Oh, sweetie, you got a little snag.

Ooh. What's in the fancy bag?

You bring your auntie something nice.

Uh, no. It's for Kevin.

I got him a watch for our anniversary.

Mm. La-de-da.

- What'd he get you? - Nothing yet.

He wants me to tell him what I want.

Mm. Good man.

O-Our first anniversary, Chuck got me running shoes.

Yeah. Can you imagine?

These knees don't run.

Don't make men guess.

Tell him you want a Dyson or a Pandora's bracelet.

Well, I-I don't want any of that.

Sign of a good life.

Hmm?

You got lucky, honey.

Mm?

We both did.

Ah.

Ah.

Kevin?

- Present. - Oh, good, you're home.

- I'm home and I'm screwed. - Uh-huh.

Word of the party got around work.

All the way up to Bossman Harrison.

Now he's coming and he cannot hang.

I found what I want for our anniversary.

I told you to tell Neil.

I did. He's crying next door.

Happy anniversary.

What's this?

We're moving!

Okay, so we need to get a credit report

and fill out an application.

And you paid off that student loan a while back, right?

Why would I pay it back if you never went to college?

- Because you still used it. - Yeah.

To invest in Neil's Hooters for Butts business.

Ah, yes. Only a matter of time

till you see that back-end.

Can you, uh, hand me the tablet?

Why are you doing that?

Well, ladies always do it in the movies,

and I wanted to feel fancy.

Kev, this is fancy.

Look, it's got granite countertops and a mudroom.

We could be Amherst Gates residents in one month.

It's great, babe. It is.

But, I mean...

do we have to go?

Can't some things just stay the same anymore?

We've saved for so long. We can cover the down payment.

We can own a home.

Is it really that much better than this place?

It's not about the house, you know?

It's a fresh start.

We can be everything we always wanted.

I don't know what else we could be, but...

but okay.

Okay.

What Allison wants, Allison gets.

Good.

'Cause I've already made an appointment at the bank

first thing Monday morning after the party.

Ah. What party?

It's useless now that High and Mighty Harrison is coming.

Being around him is constant work.

Oh, you say the same thing about shoes with laces.

I don't even see the point of a party anymore.

Oh, God.

I've lost the will to rage!

What is there even to live for anymore?

Oh.

Look at that closet space.

Wow.

So much room for cleaning products.

Oh, and that bedroom.

Ooh, I never wanna leave that bedroom.

I can see us now.

Lying in that bed.

You're wearing some hot little thing.

I'm wearing...

just a T-shirt.

And we can finally do that thing you say we'll never do.

We've had this discussion.

Gotta embrace change, baby.

_

You know, we never got to have parties in the seminary.

So that's why you had to have sex with nuns... the boredom.

What can I say?

I got in the habit.

Come on!

It was just one nun,

and please don't talk about my parents having sex.

I thought for a second you canceled.

Ah. Never!

I had one of my strokes of genius!

I wish I'd have those.

You know, instead of the regular strokes.

I realized, I spend every Anniversa-rager

putting out fires.

That was one time, and your eyebrows grew back.

Mr. Harrison is a tiny hiccup.

We just gotta keep him away from our party.

So, we're gonna have another fancy, boring-person party

for him in the living room that you get to throw.

"Get to"?

You'll distract Harrison with wine

and tiny crackers in the living room,

and I'll take care of the real party.

Okay, but you really think he's not gonna notice

a party in the next room?

We're having our party in the backyard, Allison.

Think of the kitchen as a buffer between the two,

and you... you're the most important part of the plan.

You're the gatekeeper.

Like St. Peter.

But more judgmental.

I have always wanted to have the boss over for dinner.

- It's what people do, right? - Great.

Then since it's also your party,

you get to pick up the supplies.

"Get to"?

Okay, but if I do this, you have to behave, okay?

No liquor. Only beer.

We have that appointment at the bank first thing tomorrow.

Hey, I'll take it easy like Sunday morning.

- It's Monday morning. - What?

Huh?

Just don't go crazy, okay?

We need the bank guy to believe

that we're the kind of people who deserve a new house.

You're not actually moving, right?

This is like when you said you were going back to school?

Or when you wanted to go to Paris?

Yeah, we'll just kinda all pretend it's happening

until you come to your senses?

Nope. You and your sister

are gonna have new neighbors to torture.

It's happening, Neil.

Oh.

I don't want you to overreact...

I'm dying inside!

And outside!

- Should we... - I'm good.

Give me the lip stain in candy apple.

Please.

_

Ugh.

Kevin?

Oh. Talk slower.

Okay.

Please stop saying "meats."

Meats!

I just found out that Mr. Harrison goes nuts

for those fancy cheese and meat plates,

so I need you to pick one up.

Because I'm busy.

I'm auditioning Tom Brady look-alikes for the party.

Tampa Bay is trash, man.

People adore you here.

You should've stayed.

Well, I had a great run in New England, and I...

Why does everybody leave?!

Neil, buddy, take it easy.

We're gonna be okay.

Meats and cheeses.

Hey, honey.

A smile looks nice on you.

Hey, you wanna see if you pass inspection?

- No thanks. - It's a joke. It's a joke.

If you wanna party in the back, though...

No.

I'm here all the time, you change your mind.

Um, hi.

I was hoping to get a coffee and that maybe

you had a charcuterie plate.

The charcuterie plate is on our catering menu,

so you'd have to place those order...

Shit. Shit.

Sam.

Allie.

Hi.

Thought I might see you at some point.

- You look... - No.

Exactly the same.

Uh, h... wh... You, uh, moved back?

And you work at a diner?

Close. I moved back,

and I own a diner.

This is yours?

Okay.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm surprised I didn't recognize you.

Well, market research shows people in New England

like diners where they think a white lady cooks the food.

Doesn't market research also show that

Worcester is not the best place to open a yuppie diner?

You'd be surprised.

Worcester's an up-and-coming city.

- No, it's not. - No, it's not.

Oh.

But I wanted to come back.

But why? You got out.

- You got to live in New York City. - Well, Syracuse.

Okay, well, a New York city.

So, what'd I miss the last 15 years?

In Worcester?

Um...

oh.

There were, like, three new traffic plans

for Kelly Square that you missed out on.

- So... condolences. - Mm.

I must be crazy coming back here.

Yeah. So, um, why did you?

Kinda just pulls you back.

Yeah. I get it.

Uh, so, how long you been back, and where you staying?

Well, uh, Jenn's parents are still in their old house.

Right.

We're actually renovating a place

down near the old water tower.

Ah.

Happy for you.

Okay. Um, well, I'm gonna get going.

Hold on. I can make that charcuterie plate for you.

- Don't worry about it. - I don't mind. Really, I'm...

I can take care of it.

But thank you.

Hmm.

I shoulda known you'd be trouble when you tried

to drop your accent in high school.

Meats.

- Hey. - Hey.

What?

Nothing.

Wow. Some party.

Uh, it's...

elegant.

- It's understated. - It's dead.

Can't you get some of the people from outside to come in here?

I could use a few bodies.

Babe, it's our anniversary.

Of course I'm not gonna ask my friends

to come to this lame thing.

You can ask some of your dad's friends.

No, no, no. They're outside revving up the tattoo gun.

This whole event is a finely tuned machine.

Why are you trying to mess with it?

I'm anxious. We have to be up early.

I'm already thinking about cleanup.

So, we're having a party and you're thinking

about cleaning up?

I always forget mental illness runs in your family.

I brought the name tags.

I'm pretty sure we already know each other's names.

- "Kelvin"? - Yeah.

Kevin McRoberts has some complaints

on the ol' cable company record,

so when Bossman Harrison got hired,

I introduced myself as Kelvin McLoberts.

Hey, no permanent marker on the coffee table.

- This is from Pottery... - Goodwill.

It's Pottery Barn.

I gotta get outside, control the flow.

I can't be stuck in here waiting for my pain-in-the-ass boss,

Mr. H-Harrison.

Welcome.

We were just discussing a new TV show.

"Ass Boss."

- Kelvin. - Whoa.

Geez.

Haven't had something this fancy since communion.

Oh.

Mr. Harrison, so glad you could come.

Mrs. McLoberts.

Strong handshake from a little lady.

Most women develop osteoporosis by 50.

Good for you.

50? I'm not even close.

Ooh, is that a charcuterie plate?

It sure is.

Oh, thank God. You're needed outside ASAP.

The Tom Bradys are saying they can beat anyone at flip cup,

and they called you out by name.

Mr. Harrison? Uh, this is my neighbor Neil.

Hi, I'm Kelvin's neighbor and closest companion, Neil.

He needs me to help him with a problem

in his house for a moment.

- His plumbing... - Caught on fire.

Yup. His plumbing caught on fire.

The gas lines got tangled up with the water pipes.

It happens more than you think.

Yeah. I should go deal with that.

- Yeah. - Now?

'Cause the party just started.

I know. But I'm needed elsewhere.

It's nice to have good neighbors.

Yeah.

Well, uh, don't ruin your dinner.

- I made quail. - Oh.

Can I just ask...

do you have a mudroom?

I do.

Great.

I...

like your coffee table.

Thank you.

Can I get you a glass of wine?

Alright.

Great.

I'll be right back.

No, no, no. Where'd he go?

- _ - Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Guys, guys, be cool. I don't think he's into this.

- What the hell? - Gah!

- Kelvin, I never... - I-It was Allison's idea!

I never get to be one of the boys!

Wait, what?

Nobody invites me anywhere!

People forget that behind the grandeur

of "regional director of installation,"

I'm just a man.

A man who likes the simple things in life.

Like shotgunning brewskies with guys

who slightly resemble Tom Brady.

He's my fourth cousin.

Sure he is, bro.

I knew you were gonna be a good time.

That's why I made sure Brenda invited you.

She didn't.

She didn't invite me.

Damn Brenda!

Doesn't think I can hang.

What?

Has she seen you do that?

I'm so glad I made it.

And now that the party's finally getting good, thank God.

Why don't you join us in the backyard?

We can do another beer bong hit out there.

Uh, you think we can do it with a nice Pinot this time?

Sure.

Everyone!

Everyone!

Listen up!

This has truly been my best party yet!

Happy anniversary!

Oh. Is it somebody's anniversary?

- Congrats! - Thank you!

But I also wanna use my party

to share some news about a life-changing move.

Where's Allison?

Can we get Allison up here? There she is.

Come here, babe.

Come on up. Yeah, up here. Come on.

Uh, we both want to thank you all for coming, uh,

but especially Mr. Harrison.

- Yeah. - Terry.

Because Terry has just offered me

the opportunity of a lifetime.

Terry is moving me over from cable to fiber optics.

So, you know what that means.

- No. - Wait.

- Are you saying... - Oh, yes, Neil.

We decided we're staying.

We did?

I thought you said this was from Pottery Barn.

He's drunk. He's not gonna remember this.

We're going, we're going, we're going, we're going, we're going.

Ow! God!

Crap! Mother eff...

- My God. - Oh.

Just swear.

"Eff" is so much worse.

You throwing a little tantrum out here?

Just getting some fresh air.

Oh. And the mailbox offended you.

Oh.

It's a party.

Not death row.

Do you ever think about maybe trying to have

just a little bit of fun?

I'm not talking about scoring crack or anything,

but maybe indulge in a hard seltzer?

I don't feel like celebrating.

Oh, right. Silly me.

We're all in mourning 'cause Barbie lost out on her Dream House.

It's not about the house!

I'm just s-so tired.

Yeah. Who sleeps these days?

Oh, Jesus, I mean mentally.

Aren't you?

I wake up, I go to the salon,

I come home, I watch a game with the guys.

In between, there are a few Dunkie's coffees

and a pack of menthols.

You're okay with that?

Everyone knows what their life's gonna look like in 10,

20 years.

Pretending things'll change is how they sell washing machines.

I'm just... I'm tired of trying.

I feel like nothing I do is ever enough.

I really think if I could start over and go somewhere else

and just do everything right this time,

I can finally be...

like, done.

Is that insane?

You know how many people come to my salon every week

thinking a perm will solve all their problems?

I mean...

maybe you're insane,

but you're not alone.

Calling me crazy is the nicest you ever been to me.

You're welcome.

But this isn't just a perm.

I'm not giving up on this. I can't.

I can get Kevin to that bank tomorrow morning.

I-I don't care if he's still

taking pulls off a handle of tequila.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I know how to work Kevin.

He's capable of stuff.

Like how I got him to remember our anniversary.

You just have to make him think that it's his idea.

- You know? We can still... - Jesus, Allison.

What?

Come on. Wake the hell up.

There's no "we" in there.

What the hell do you know?

Nobody thinks that we're leaving, but I promise you...

The account's empty.

What?

The weekly savings thing.

It's gone.

That's not possible, 'cause I was there

when we opened the account.

Like 10 years ago, and then you let him keep track of the money.

'Cause I'm bad with money.

You think he's better?

Come on. How many times a week

does a package come to this house?

All you gotta do is pay attention.

He wouldn't go into that account.

A few years ago, he got into some hot water

trading fake sports memorabilia.

He asked Neil for money, who of course came to me.

He said you have nothing.

But we were gonna leave...

Start over.

He said that things were gonna change.

They were never gonna change.

They're never gonna change.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Fuck!

Gah!

That's littering, sweetie.

You can get in trouble for that.

I'm a bad driver. I've accepted that.

I'm a bad driver with split ends and an overbite.

Ah.

When my husband's in the car with me, he says,

"Oh, you shouldn't drive so slow.

Oh, don't let so many people pull out in front of you.

Uh, you should use your horn more."

I get nervous behind the wheel,

and driving's all about confidence.

So, that's why I'm not a good driver.

I'm a bad driver.

But, you know, I've been thinking.

I've never been in an accident.

And I can drive stick, I can parallel park,

I can merge, and, you know,

I actually think that I actually used to enjoy driving.

Oh, I like this.

But we have one car, and he doesn't have to share it.

He doesn't have to share anything.

He gets me all to himself,

'cause I never went back to school,

and he says that's 'cause I never finish things.

But do I never finish things,

or does he take them from me?

Am I bad at driving, or does he want the car?

As long as I had this thing... this just...

Like, this image of what I...

What we could be, I had something to hope for.

But now I try to picture anything good, and...

Like, what the hell are you supposed to do

if you can't close your eyes and picture a future

where everything's okay?

Because dreaming's useless with him around,

so, what, do I just go numb?

Oh, yeah, that'll happen. That shit's real pure.

What?

No.

You aren't listening.

I'm a... I'm a customer,

and you couldn't be bothered just to pay attention?

Is the sound of my voice impossible to hear?

'Cause if you're having trouble, I can go louder, you dick!

Aah!

What the hell, lady?!

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, Marcus, that bitch bitch-slapped you.

Oh, I am so sorry.

No, you know what?

I'm not sorry.

The hell with that. I deserve...

Oh! I'm sorry.

Sorry.

You should really ice that.

Wow.

Kevin thought you were out for a run.

What the hell have you been doing?

Um, I was sort of running.

Why are we talking like this?

Kevin's in the kitchen. He's gonna surprise you.

With what?

Hold on.

Oh.

Oh. Caught me.

I, uh, had a bit of a rough morning

and I needed a few jelly Munchkins.

So, um, did you tell him I know about the account?

Tell Kevin I ratted him out? Come on.

He had a feud with the mail woman and got her deported.

Yeah.

That's why you waited years to tell me?

Hey.

Are you okay?

I have no idea.

Uh... babe, I'm sorry I passed out

in your rose bushes last night.

We don't have rose bushes.

Well, where'd you pass out?

'Cause you look...

wonderful.

Very quick. I think she bought it.

This looks fun.

Yeah, well, I know I had too much liquor last night,

and when I woke up with rose thorns in my tongue,

I realized you're right.

It's time to grow up. I gotta change.

So, no more Anniversa-ragers.

Wow.

I decided that we should celebrate your way,

do what you wanted this whole time...

- A boring dinner. - A grown-up dinner!

A grown-up dinner.

In the morning.

Wait. If this is dinner,

that means beers are fair game.

Neil, ideas like that are why I keep you around.

Allison, you mind?

And, babe, uh, about moving?

You know, that money in the bank is...

It's only gonna grow, and if you pick up a few more shifts

at the package store, we're gonna be able to move

wherever your little heart desires.

What Allison wants, Allison gets.

Shit, Kevin!

Kevin! What did you do?!

What?

You... broke it.

Whoa! Ms. Hercules over here!

Is that blood?

It doesn't mean you get to be moody.

You already used that excuse once this month.

I'll be fine.

Honey, go bandage that hand.

We still got dinner at breakfast,

and I can't wait to see what you're gonna cook.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com