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1
00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:52,184
Thank you.
2
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,664
When I say hey, you say ho.
3
00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:56,782
Hey.
Ho!
4
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,167
Hey.
Ho!
5
00:00:58,191 --> 00:00:59,976
That's basically how Hitler
Rose to power.
6
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:13,465
♪ My show
is a little bit silly ♪
7
00:01:13,489 --> 00:01:15,991
♪ and a little bit
pretentious ♪
8
00:01:16,492 --> 00:01:18,971
♪ like Shakespeare's Willie ♪
9
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:22,048
♪ or noam chomsky
wearing a strap-on ♪
10
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:29,255
♪ It's also a little bit gay ♪
11
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,201
♪ and a little bit offensive ♪
12
00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:35,204
♪ like Thanksgiving day ♪
13
00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:38,264
♪ or noam chomsky
wearing a strap... on ♪
14
00:01:43,102 --> 00:01:45,604
♪ so put your cell phones
to vibrate ♪
15
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:52,161
♪ and put your vibrators
to cell-phone mode ♪
16
00:01:54,163 --> 00:01:55,140
♪ and welcome to the show ♪
17
00:01:55,164 --> 00:01:57,643
♪ it goes a little bit
like this... joke ♪
18
00:01:57,667 --> 00:01:58,867
♪ exactly,
welcome to my flow ♪
19
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:00,896
♪ it flows a little bit
like this ♪
20
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,314
♪ with a rap and a diss ♪
21
00:02:02,338 --> 00:02:04,233
♪ then a swift rap on the wrist
a rap and a kiss ♪
22
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:06,235
♪ like hershey's wrappin'
a kiss, shit ♪
23
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,736
♪ I got a show
that'll test your kids ♪
24
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,238
♪ and I'd ask one question,
and the question is ♪
25
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:10,606
♪ what's funny? ♪
26
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,608
♪ What's funny,
what's funny, what's funny? ♪
27
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,610
♪ What's funny,
what's funny, what's funny? ♪
28
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,102
♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪
29
00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:18,530
♪ what's funny ♪
30
00:02:18,554 --> 00:02:20,532
♪ what's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
31
00:02:20,556 --> 00:02:22,534
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
32
00:02:22,558 --> 00:02:25,561
♪ Funny, oh, yeah ♪
33
00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:29,208
♪ humor is often linked
to shared experience ♪
34
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,176
♪ like a guy gets up and says
have you noticed ♪
35
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,679
♪ that public restrooms have
really inefficient hand dryers ♪
36
00:02:33,703 --> 00:02:35,681
♪ oh, my god,
yes, I have ♪
37
00:02:35,705 --> 00:02:37,683
♪ ha ha ha,
really good point ♪
38
00:02:37,707 --> 00:02:39,158
♪ they should fix that ♪
39
00:02:39,575 --> 00:02:42,638
♪ it's good to know
that somebody finally gets me ♪
40
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:44,640
♪ 'cause my wife divorced me
which subconsciously forced me ♪
41
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,642
♪ to lose all sense of self ♪
42
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,644
♪ so it's nice to think
about hand dryers ♪
43
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,112
♪ and not that cheating whore ♪
44
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:53,899
♪ because stand-up comedy
is actually pretty easy ♪
45
00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:56,258
♪ if you're an Asian comic
just get up and say ♪
46
00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:58,737
♪ my mother's got
the weirdest fuckin' accent ♪
47
00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:00,739
♪ then just do
a Chinese accent ♪
48
00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:02,741
♪ 'cause everybody laughs
at the Chinese accent ♪
49
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:05,244
♪ because they privately thought
your people were laughable ♪
50
00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,769
♪ now you've given them
the chance ♪
51
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,430
♪ to express that in public ♪
52
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,885
♪ oh, yeah,
if you're a musical comic ♪
53
00:03:12,909 --> 00:03:15,888
♪ just give 'em a little weird
voice inflection ♪
54
00:03:15,912 --> 00:03:17,389
♪ then take a Viagra ♪
55
00:03:17,413 --> 00:03:19,725
♪ and slap 'em
with a rock-hard misdirection ♪
56
00:03:19,749 --> 00:03:21,093
♪ oh, what's funny? ♪
57
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,178
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
58
00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:25,147
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
59
00:03:25,171 --> 00:03:26,589
♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪
60
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,934
Tourettes!
♪ What's funny? ♪
61
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,936
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
62
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,938
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
63
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,440
♪ Funny, oh ♪
64
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,859
♪ and the audience says,
when I was a baby ♪
65
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:39,778
♪ maybe I laughed at people
jiggling keys ♪
66
00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:42,164
♪ now I'm older
and bolder and just get mad ♪
67
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:44,473
♪ 'cause I notice that the keys
are to a Hummer ♪
68
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,201
♪ fuck my life,
I don't fuck my wife ♪
69
00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:48,170
♪ so fuck my wife
and fuck my life ♪
70
00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:50,756
♪ and my son is gay,
but not sitcom gay ♪
71
00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:51,707
♪ daughter's a whore
like another girl ♪
72
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,258
♪ that used to be your mother ♪
73
00:03:53,282 --> 00:03:55,260
♪ but the marriage
made her miss Mary americana ♪
74
00:03:55,284 --> 00:03:57,262
♪ I wanna team with
that screamin' prima Donna ♪
75
00:03:57,286 --> 00:04:00,766
♪ but the radical feminists
made my wife a man ♪
76
00:04:00,790 --> 00:04:03,459
♪ oh, and if I die happy
the situation ♪
77
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,305
♪ will be autoerotic
asphyxiation ♪
78
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:09,191
♪ I hate my life
and it hates me back ♪
79
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:10,692
♪ and my friend is black ♪
80
00:04:10,716 --> 00:04:13,195
♪ but I don't know
what to call him ♪
81
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:15,063
♪ so I just call him ♪
82
00:04:15,087 --> 00:04:17,172
"What up, Jamal?"
83
00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:20,953
♪ Even though his name
is Steve ♪
84
00:04:20,977 --> 00:04:21,904
♪ I hate my job,
I hate my life ♪
85
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,455
♪ hate my kids,
I hate my wife ♪
86
00:04:23,479 --> 00:04:25,374
♪ Jews don't I know I do it,
Judas beat me to it ♪
87
00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:28,293
♪ I'm slowly slipping
into a solipsistic coma ♪
88
00:04:28,317 --> 00:04:30,295
♪ and I masturbate
'cause I'm the only one ♪
89
00:04:30,319 --> 00:04:33,071
♪ whose standards
are low enough to fuck me ♪
90
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:53,435
♪ What's funny? ♪
91
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,377
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
92
00:04:55,678 --> 00:04:57,739
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
93
00:04:57,763 --> 00:04:58,764
♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪
94
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,350
It's a boy.
♪ What's funny? ♪
95
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,412
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
96
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:05,438
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
97
00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:07,940
♪ Funny, yeah ♪
98
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,892
♪ hopefully this ♪
99
00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:11,894
Thank you.
100
00:05:25,041 --> 00:05:26,184
Thank you.
101
00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:28,186
My ex-girlfriend
had a really weird fetish.
102
00:05:28,210 --> 00:05:30,105
She used to like to dress up
as herself
103
00:05:30,129 --> 00:05:32,581
and then act like
a fuckin' bitch all the time.
104
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,399
But you know,
they say if you wanna know
105
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,383
what a girl's gonna look like,
look at her mother,
106
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,185
you know, so I'm so glad
I broke up with her,
107
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,905
'cause she would've been,
you know...
108
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:48,430
Dead.
109
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:53,185
I want your baby!
110
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:55,187
I'm keeping him.
111
00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:00,742
Guys, I'm a realist!
I'm a realist.
112
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:03,805
I try not to romanticize
reality.
113
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:05,807
You know, like when life
gives you lemons,
114
00:06:05,831 --> 00:06:08,333
you probably just found lemons.
115
00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:11,563
But at the same time,
116
00:06:11,587 --> 00:06:13,565
I don't deny the beauty
in the world
117
00:06:13,589 --> 00:06:15,591
'cause there is so much beauty,
because life
118
00:06:16,092 --> 00:06:17,569
can be so symmetrical,
119
00:06:17,593 --> 00:06:19,571
it gives birth to this
almost silent poetry,
120
00:06:19,595 --> 00:06:22,574
you know, like a hermaphrodite
playing the keytar,
121
00:06:22,598 --> 00:06:24,660
or a young amish boy trying to
blow out the light bulbs
122
00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:26,102
on his birthday cake,
123
00:06:26,435 --> 00:06:29,020
or a girl... a girl
who's terrible at grammar
124
00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:31,500
saying, "mama,
you raised me good."
125
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:35,003
And then being pushed
down a well.
126
00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:36,144
Symmetry.
127
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,959
Here's some racial humor
for you.
128
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:42,818
White people are like this...
"eh."
129
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:44,796
Black people are like this...
"what?."
130
00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:47,823
We're destined to fight forever.
Blood in the streets.
131
00:06:53,796 --> 00:06:54,856
If I had a dime... ha!
132
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,359
If I had a dime for every time
a homeless guy
133
00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:59,885
asked me for change,
I'd still say, "no."
134
00:07:00,886 --> 00:07:02,754
No. Nope.
135
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:08,954
Yo' mama so fat!
Yo' mama so ugly!
136
00:07:08,978 --> 00:07:10,288
Yo' mama so stupid!
137
00:07:10,312 --> 00:07:11,623
Your mother's breasts sag
with such severity
138
00:07:11,647 --> 00:07:14,149
that the late great
surrealist artist Salvador dali
139
00:07:14,650 --> 00:07:16,652
mistook them for clocks.
140
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:29,891
Um, thank you.
141
00:07:29,915 --> 00:07:33,061
I... I believe...
142
00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:36,565
I believe firmly
that women are always right.
143
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,591
I do. I do.
144
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,739
Oh, I should rephrase that.
145
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,741
I, uh...
146
00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:46,766
Don't.
147
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,080
♪ Men and women ♪
148
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:54,106
This song is called
"men and women"!
149
00:07:56,525 --> 00:08:00,422
♪ Men are like vows ♪
150
00:08:00,446 --> 00:08:01,947
♪ 'cause they're
easily broken ♪
151
00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:03,449
♪ oh, yeah ♪
152
00:08:06,535 --> 00:08:10,515
♪ women are like cows ♪
153
00:08:10,539 --> 00:08:13,041
♪ 'cause they both have
vaginas ♪
154
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:19,608
♪ men are like muzzles ♪
155
00:08:19,632 --> 00:08:22,144
♪ because they'll
try to shut you up ♪
156
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,169
♪ oh, yeah ♪
157
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,307
♪ women are like puzzles ♪
158
00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:33,288
♪ 'cause prior to 1920,
neither had the right to vote ♪
159
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:36,291
♪ puzzles still don't ♪
160
00:08:36,315 --> 00:08:38,794
♪ oh,
a man is an eagle ♪
161
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,963
♪ yeah,
a woman is a dove ♪
162
00:08:41,987 --> 00:08:44,939
♪ women can fake orgasms ♪
163
00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:48,827
♪ but men can fake love ♪
164
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:02,684
♪ Women are like fingers
and toes ♪
165
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,710
♪ 'cause they're easy
to count on ♪
166
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,629
It's cute.
167
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:13,111
♪ Men are like ravens
and crows ♪
168
00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:15,637
♪ 'cause they hate
using condoms ♪
169
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,642
What?
170
00:09:20,109 --> 00:09:23,622
♪ Women are like yahtzees,
oh, yeah ♪
171
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:26,758
♪ 'cause I rarely get them ♪
172
00:09:26,782 --> 00:09:29,377
I don't.
173
00:09:29,401 --> 00:09:33,882
♪ Men are like Nazis ♪
174
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:37,385
♪ 'cause they both caused
the holocaust ♪
175
00:09:37,409 --> 00:09:38,910
It's true.
176
00:09:39,411 --> 00:09:40,272
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
177
00:09:40,296 --> 00:09:42,274
♪ for every dollar
that a man makes ♪
178
00:09:42,298 --> 00:09:44,276
♪ a woman makes 70 cents ♪
179
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:47,696
♪ that doesn't make sense,
that's not fair ♪
180
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,723
♪ the man's only left
with 30 ♪
181
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,513
♪ Men and women ♪
182
00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:03,995
♪ oh, men and women,
it's black and white ♪
183
00:10:04,019 --> 00:10:06,498
♪ with an area of gray
for hermaphrodite ♪
184
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,500
♪ oh, yeah ♪
185
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:11,610
♪ oh, well, yeah ♪
186
00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:13,972
♪ male strippers ♪
187
00:10:13,996 --> 00:10:15,974
♪ always look like
they're applying lotion ♪
188
00:10:15,998 --> 00:10:18,977
♪ and female strippers when
they're dancing on the pole ♪
189
00:10:19,001 --> 00:10:21,513
♪ just look like ♪
190
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,121
♪ confused firemen ♪
191
00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:26,708
Thanks.
192
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,863
Thank you.
193
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,221
Pick that wedge!
194
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,842
I'm 19 years old.
I'm a young comedian.
195
00:10:50,866 --> 00:10:52,344
I hate that term
"young comedian."
196
00:10:52,368 --> 00:10:54,346
I prefer "prodigy."
197
00:10:54,370 --> 00:10:57,382
And people pigeonhole me,
198
00:10:57,406 --> 00:11:00,468
you know, as a comic,
which is so disingenuous.
199
00:11:00,492 --> 00:11:01,970
'Cause I'm not a comedian.
I'm an artist.
200
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,472
And I don't do comedy shows.
I do one-man shows.
201
00:11:04,496 --> 00:11:07,976
I've been doing them...
1998 was my first one-man show.
202
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,478
It was a show about Jews
in Nazi Germany
203
00:11:10,502 --> 00:11:12,447
called
"under the floorboards."
204
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:15,400
No, no, no, watch and then judge.
205
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:17,926
This is a scene
from "under the floorboards."
206
00:11:19,144 --> 00:11:20,488
Hey.
207
00:11:20,512 --> 00:11:23,348
Shh!
208
00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:26,234
Then in '99...
209
00:11:33,158 --> 00:11:35,038
'99, I did a piece called
"the catholic orgasm."
210
00:11:35,411 --> 00:11:37,362
I'll do a scene from that.
211
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:46,231
2000... um...
212
00:11:46,255 --> 00:11:52,237
2000, I did a piece called
"the inappropriate musician."
213
00:11:52,261 --> 00:11:54,189
Mike...
214
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,691
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike.
215
00:11:56,715 --> 00:11:57,692
Mike, think about your kids.
216
00:11:57,716 --> 00:11:59,194
You want them to grow up
without a father?
217
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,418
Is that what you want, Mike?
Mike, please, listen to me!
218
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,199
I'm your friend! Mike!
Mike, no, Mike!
219
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,058
No, Mike!
220
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:11,530
He's saved.
221
00:12:11,947 --> 00:12:14,960
And then in, um, 2001,
222
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,512
I did John steinbeck's
"the grapes of wrath,"
223
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:19,014
except I adapted it into a story
224
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,873
about an intergalactic sexual
predator
225
00:12:21,123 --> 00:12:22,707
called "the rapes of grath."
226
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,305
2002, I did a piece...
227
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:29,369
If you're familiar with
the piece "the elephant man"
228
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:31,810
I did a piece based off that
called "bulldog man"
229
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:35,838
and I'll do a monologue
from that right now.
230
00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:51,246
2000, uh...
231
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:54,249
2000... thank you.
That was a good one.
232
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,751
I got a danza nomination
for that.
233
00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:59,778
It's right after the Tonys.
2000...
234
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:01,256
2003 I did a piece
235
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,782
called "the native American
in the magic show."
236
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,285
How?
237
00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:13,768
2004, I did a piece called
"smeagol from lord of the rings
238
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:16,237
having sex with a black girl.
239
00:13:16,261 --> 00:13:18,263
Oh! Precious.
240
00:13:20,599 --> 00:13:22,434
Two thou...
241
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:31,453
2005, I did a piece called
242
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,479
"Charlie brown
getting molested."
243
00:13:36,365 --> 00:13:38,900
What are you doing?
Hello, is anybody here?
244
00:13:41,370 --> 00:13:43,348
What are you doing?
Let go of me!
245
00:13:43,372 --> 00:13:44,873
What are you doing?!
246
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,438
Good grief!
247
00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:53,224
So, 2000, um..
248
00:13:53,248 --> 00:13:57,502
Thank you. Yeah.
249
00:13:57,836 --> 00:13:59,898
That was a good one.
250
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,924
2005, 6? 5?
251
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:03,868
Doesn't matter.
I'm lying.
252
00:14:03,892 --> 00:14:07,929
2000...
253
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:12,934
2006, I did a piece called
"the figure skater's father."
254
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,916
My son?
What does he do?
255
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,441
He's a, uh...
256
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,580
He's an athlete.
257
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:27,642
What kind of athlete?
258
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:29,167
He's a, uh...
259
00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:34,566
He's a f...
260
00:14:34,590 --> 00:14:36,067
He a...
261
00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:38,093
He's a f...
262
00:14:39,928 --> 00:14:41,963
2000...
263
00:14:44,433 --> 00:14:48,913
2007, I did a piece called
"the juggler's wife."
264
00:14:48,937 --> 00:14:52,223
"Please stop juggling!"
265
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:57,539
2008...
266
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,542
I did a dark piece that caused
a lot of controversy
267
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,046
because I played a slave
in the 1780s,
268
00:15:02,451 --> 00:15:04,512
but I didn't wear makeup,
'cause as an artist,
269
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:06,514
I feel I'm qualified
to tell any story.
270
00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:09,517
And it was
a piece called "whiplashes,"
271
00:15:09,541 --> 00:15:12,520
and it's raw, hard art,
so if you're averse to that,
272
00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:14,522
you might want to look away.
273
00:15:14,546 --> 00:15:16,965
But this is the climactic scene
from "whiplashes."
274
00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:25,090
You'll have to answer
to god for this.
275
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,061
Ow.
276
00:15:40,822 --> 00:15:43,801
You're a dick.
277
00:15:43,825 --> 00:15:46,911
And then, um...
278
00:15:47,412 --> 00:15:49,414
2009, which is the final piece
279
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:52,393
before the piece
I'm doing currently, um...
280
00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:53,918
I did a really emotional piece.
281
00:15:54,419 --> 00:15:56,459
It means a lot to me,
so forgive me if I break down,
282
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:58,399
but it's called
the "the boy and his dog."
283
00:15:58,423 --> 00:16:00,425
It goes like this.
284
00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:04,930
Get out of here, all right?
Go, please.
285
00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:07,432
I can't afford to keep you
anymore, I just can't.
286
00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:10,518
Just... don't make this harder
than it has to be.
287
00:16:11,019 --> 00:16:11,996
Just... I hate you.
288
00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:13,498
Is that what you need
to hear from me?
289
00:16:13,522 --> 00:16:15,250
I hate you, okay?
I hate you.
290
00:16:15,274 --> 00:16:17,359
I hate you!
291
00:16:20,812 --> 00:16:22,864
And it's just not me.
292
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:26,951
My dog hates Mexicans, too.
293
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,816
Oh, god.
Gotta love irony.
294
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,842
I, um...
295
00:16:57,849 --> 00:16:59,827
I believe in the zodiac.
296
00:16:59,851 --> 00:17:01,329
I do, I do, completely.
297
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,331
I'm a Leo.
I love "Titanic."
298
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:07,335
But this is something
a little bit morbidly ironic.
299
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,804
My grandmother,
she was a cancer,
300
00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:11,863
and she was actually killed
301
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:14,366
by a giant crab.
302
00:17:17,869 --> 00:17:19,347
This is a song
about the idea of irony.
303
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:22,850
So strap in.
304
00:17:22,874 --> 00:17:25,320
♪ My dog's stomach
was very upset ♪
305
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:27,939
♪ so I put him in the car,
and we went to the vet ♪
306
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,491
♪ and on our way to the vet ♪
307
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:31,526
♪ I killed a cat ♪
308
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:34,853
♪ hey,
I said isn't that ironic? ♪
309
00:17:36,438 --> 00:17:38,916
♪ I adopted a child
from overseas ♪
310
00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:41,336
♪ to rescue him
from child-labor factories ♪
311
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,421
♪ and on his
very first birthday ♪
312
00:17:43,445 --> 00:17:46,731
♪ we went
to build-a-bear workshop ♪
313
00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:49,067
♪ isn't that ironic? ♪
314
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:52,046
♪ Isn't that i-r-o-n-i-c ♪
315
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:55,800
♪ i-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c ♪
316
00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:57,769
♪ water park
is burned to the ground ♪
317
00:17:57,793 --> 00:18:00,796
♪ and a tow truck
has broken down ♪
318
00:18:01,129 --> 00:18:03,441
♪ I always used to cry
when I laughed ♪
319
00:18:03,465 --> 00:18:06,417
♪ and then I was raped
by a clown ♪
320
00:18:11,506 --> 00:18:13,057
♪ Isn't... ♪
321
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,538
♪ I was watching al Gore
on CNN ♪
322
00:18:17,562 --> 00:18:20,541
♪ he was talking and talking
and talking and then ♪
323
00:18:20,565 --> 00:18:25,046
♪ out of boredom my pet
polar bear shot himself ♪
324
00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:26,905
♪ isn't that ironic? ♪
325
00:18:28,490 --> 00:18:30,968
♪ I dated
an animal rights activist ♪
326
00:18:30,992 --> 00:18:33,471
♪ and one day
she got really pissed ♪
327
00:18:33,495 --> 00:18:37,892
♪ because I was eating veal
that was wrapped in pita bread ♪
328
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:39,500
Peta? Fuck it.
329
00:18:41,503 --> 00:18:43,981
♪ Isn't that i-r-o-n-i-c ♪
330
00:18:44,005 --> 00:18:47,842
♪ i-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c? ♪
331
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:51,189
♪ Yeah,
I'm a stand-up comic ♪
332
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,608
♪ and I always sit
and slouch ♪
333
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:56,494
♪ and I got
my girlfriend pregnant ♪
334
00:18:56,518 --> 00:19:00,021
♪ on my sterile uncle's
pull-out couch ♪
335
00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:07,004
♪ isn't it ironic?
I-r-o-n-i-c ♪
336
00:19:07,028 --> 00:19:10,064
♪ yeah, if every day you play
the board game risk ♪
337
00:19:10,565 --> 00:19:13,544
♪ you've probably never taken
a risk in your life ♪
338
00:19:13,568 --> 00:19:16,464
♪ and monopoly
has far from a stranglehold ♪
339
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,383
♪ on the board game market ♪
340
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,685
♪ a little kid died
from suffocation ♪
341
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:23,578
♪ when he choked on a game piece
from operation ♪
342
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,357
♪ and I can't grow a beard ♪
343
00:19:26,381 --> 00:19:27,392
♪ that one's not ironic ♪
344
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:29,418
♪ that one's just sad ♪
345
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:38,727
♪ yeah, Bob barker
got all of my pets pregnant ♪
346
00:19:46,401 --> 00:19:49,163
♪ My grandfather
had Alzheimer's ♪
347
00:19:49,187 --> 00:19:51,689
♪ and one day, we were ♪
348
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,036
Take it off, big boy!
349
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,014
Thank you, it's a medium.
350
00:20:07,038 --> 00:20:10,017
Um...
351
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:13,271
We live in a binary reality.
We do.
352
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,689
It's a world of black and white.
353
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:17,108
There's only two types
of people in this world,
354
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:19,360
you know,
those who can finish lists...
355
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:22,447
What is art?
What is art?
356
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:25,450
Is art something gay people do
to get back at their fathers?
357
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,835
Could be.
What is an artist?
358
00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:29,939
What makes a great artist,
great artists like myself,
359
00:20:30,228 --> 00:20:31,646
like the great director
Michael bay.
360
00:20:31,947 --> 00:20:34,032
Like the great Irish actor,
Shaquille O'Neal.
361
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:41,015
We ask questions, you know?
362
00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:44,519
Questions nobody else
dares to ask.
363
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:47,045
Questions like...
364
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:49,998
Where are all
the sour patch parents?
365
00:20:55,971 --> 00:20:57,899
Questions like
if Mickey's a mouse
366
00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,400
and minnie's a mouse,
and Donald's a duck,
367
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:00,902
and Daisy and goofy,
if they're all animals,
368
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:05,406
and they can talk,
why is pluto just a fuckin' dog?
369
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:08,910
Why... did they just forget to
anthropomorphize him, or worse,
370
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:11,412
is Mickey keeping a mentally
handicapped dude as pet?
371
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:13,414
I'm not making light of it.
That's fucked up.
372
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:15,917
How does it fit into
that universe, that paradigm?
373
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,101
Goofy's a dog. He's talking.
This one, crawling around.
374
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:24,949
Guys, I would never bash Disney.
I would never bash Disney.
375
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:27,728
I think Disney teaches
young kids
376
00:21:27,752 --> 00:21:29,230
such important lessons.
377
00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:31,232
The Princess fairy tales
teach young girls
378
00:21:31,256 --> 00:21:32,600
such important lessons.
379
00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:34,018
You know, like cinderella,
380
00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:35,570
it doesn't matter
where you come from
381
00:21:35,594 --> 00:21:38,597
or how poor you are as long
as you're incredibly hot.
382
00:21:40,932 --> 00:21:45,279
Snow white, you know, which
encourages children to,
383
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:47,772
you know,
give midgets nicknames.
384
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,540
Sleeping beauty, you know,
385
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:58,543
which encourages, uh...
386
00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:00,127
Date rape.
387
00:22:00,151 --> 00:22:02,319
Maybe not... maybe not that one.
388
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:07,134
I was doing a show recently
on the border
389
00:22:07,158 --> 00:22:09,637
of Hannah, Montana,
and south Dakota fanning.
390
00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:12,163
And a guy came up to me
after the show,
391
00:22:12,664 --> 00:22:14,358
and said, "Bo, why don't
you ever tell stories
392
00:22:14,382 --> 00:22:15,943
about people coming up to you
after the show?"
393
00:22:15,967 --> 00:22:17,567
And I said,
"'cause they're never funny."
394
00:22:20,472 --> 00:22:23,367
I would fuck you.
395
00:22:23,391 --> 00:22:25,369
This is a listening show.
396
00:22:25,393 --> 00:22:27,895
Um...
397
00:22:31,399 --> 00:22:32,900
Yeah.
398
00:22:33,401 --> 00:22:37,688
Be quiet, america doesn't
want to hear you clap.
399
00:22:37,939 --> 00:22:39,500
Do it, though, when I need it.
400
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,658
When I need it!
401
00:22:43,244 --> 00:22:45,723
I've always wanted
a black girlfriend,
402
00:22:45,747 --> 00:22:47,725
not as joke, just 'cause like,
403
00:22:47,749 --> 00:22:51,846
then when we 69,
I can call it "yin yanging."
404
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:53,454
Guys, see...
405
00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:56,350
Easy, look,
it's 21st-century racism.
406
00:22:56,374 --> 00:22:58,436
It's racism in light of itself.
407
00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:00,771
The only reason I'm making these
claims is because the stigmas
408
00:23:00,795 --> 00:23:03,858
about race are already there
and I'm just playing off that.
409
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,360
'Cause I think racism itself
is so ridiculous,
410
00:23:06,384 --> 00:23:08,224
and they understand that,
so if after the show,
411
00:23:08,386 --> 00:23:09,747
you see a black guy
beating me up,
412
00:23:09,771 --> 00:23:12,833
he's doing it ironically.
413
00:23:12,857 --> 00:23:13,858
Okay?
414
00:23:26,621 --> 00:23:29,123
I'll sleep with you!
415
00:23:30,625 --> 00:23:32,410
We all will!
416
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:40,085
Ya done?
417
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:46,117
Of course all the women that
said that were in the dark.
418
00:23:46,141 --> 00:23:48,643
I, um...
419
00:23:49,144 --> 00:23:51,146
No, I bet you're gorgeous
in the dark.
420
00:23:51,646 --> 00:23:53,648
Um...
421
00:23:54,149 --> 00:23:55,984
Okay.
422
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,592
♪ I'm a feminine eminem ♪
423
00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:14,118
♪ a slim shady lady but nice
'cause I texted Haiti ♪
424
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,097
♪ 90 lady cops in the road ♪
425
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,839
♪ and I'm arrested
for doin' 80 ♪
426
00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,184
♪ like Hamlet, I'm about words,
words, words ♪
427
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:22,186
♪ divide a whole into thirds,
thirds, thirds ♪
428
00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:23,688
♪ I'm a gay sea otter ♪
429
00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,156
♪ I blow other dudes
out of the water ♪
430
00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,575
♪ I'm the man-muffin
divin' muffin, ♪
431
00:24:27,599 --> 00:24:29,276
♪ cold and fly
like an arctic puffin' ♪
432
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,078
♪ puffin' wacky-tobaccy ♪
433
00:24:31,102 --> 00:24:33,080
♪ hatin' other rappers
like I'm huggin' pataki ♪
434
00:24:33,104 --> 00:24:35,449
♪ and I've been rockin' this mic
before electricity ♪
435
00:24:35,473 --> 00:24:37,334
♪ way back in 1,000 b.C.E. ♪
436
00:24:37,358 --> 00:24:39,360
♪ That's before
the comin' era... ♪
437
00:24:41,196 --> 00:24:42,506
♪ Oh, god, can't be stopped ♪
438
00:24:42,530 --> 00:24:44,448
♪ flow so sick
that it should be mopped up ♪
439
00:24:45,033 --> 00:24:46,113
♪ chick's got a Dixie cup ♪
440
00:24:46,484 --> 00:24:48,429
♪ I got a dick full of helium,
I'll fuck you up ♪
441
00:24:48,453 --> 00:24:50,347
♪ a boy, a girl,
a middle-aged bitch ♪
442
00:24:50,371 --> 00:24:52,383
♪ Botox in the third person ♪
443
00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:54,351
♪ I gave the perspective
a switch and ♪
444
00:24:54,375 --> 00:24:56,220
♪ Botox in the third person ♪
445
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:57,605
♪ oh, just relax ♪
446
00:24:57,629 --> 00:24:59,547
♪ if you want to know me
here's two facts ♪
447
00:24:59,881 --> 00:25:02,193
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
448
00:25:02,217 --> 00:25:04,252
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
449
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:10,117
♪ said I hate
catchy choruses ♪
450
00:25:10,141 --> 00:25:11,842
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
451
00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:13,371
Yeah!
452
00:25:13,395 --> 00:25:15,873
♪ Met a girl named Macy ♪
453
00:25:15,897 --> 00:25:17,374
♪ I had sex with her
all day ♪
454
00:25:17,398 --> 00:25:18,909
♪ but she was dyslexic ♪
455
00:25:18,933 --> 00:25:20,995
♪ so I ended up
doing the ymca ♪
456
00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:22,496
♪ we ball in Asian ♪
457
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,915
♪ we bowl in prostate cancer
semicolon ♪
458
00:25:24,939 --> 00:25:26,991
♪ find that hole
like I'm Stephen Hawking ♪
459
00:25:27,492 --> 00:25:29,303
♪ Atticus Finch,
killing, mocking ♪
460
00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:30,661
♪ cry like a child would ♪
461
00:25:31,162 --> 00:25:32,139
♪ you raped my childhood ♪
462
00:25:32,163 --> 00:25:34,141
♪ just strollin',
rollin' your pole in ♪
463
00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:36,510
♪ to roly-Polly
olly's colon ♪
464
00:25:36,534 --> 00:25:37,845
♪ to relax the mind ♪
465
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:39,814
♪ I take a walk by the clock,
and I pass the time ♪
466
00:25:39,838 --> 00:25:41,766
♪ and rhymin'
mathematical timing ♪
467
00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:43,601
♪ syntax impacts
the intact timin' ♪
468
00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:45,436
♪ I'm an Internet provider ♪
469
00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:47,438
♪ came from the web
like a horny spider ♪
470
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:48,963
♪ kissed a girl
in an apple orchard ♪
471
00:25:49,464 --> 00:25:50,691
♪ then slipped in cider ♪
472
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:52,076
♪ I thought aids
was a butt virus ♪
473
00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:54,578
♪ like conjunction junction
conjunctivitis ♪
474
00:25:54,602 --> 00:25:57,581
♪ I spit gold bars 'cause I was
molested by my uncle midas ♪
475
00:25:57,605 --> 00:26:00,057
♪ gay dads blow pops,
another sucker ♪
476
00:26:00,558 --> 00:26:01,869
♪ oedipus
was the first mother fucker ♪
477
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,755
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
478
00:26:04,779 --> 00:26:06,207
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
479
00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:08,316
♪ hungry,
hungry hypocrite ♪
480
00:26:08,783 --> 00:26:11,318
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
481
00:26:11,786 --> 00:26:13,320
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
482
00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:16,708
♪ we the people of usa ♪
483
00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,220
♪ Jose, we're not talking
to you, esse ♪
484
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:21,222
♪ we got a border in order
to keep you out ♪
485
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:22,723
♪ it's what my nyu essay
is about ♪
486
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:24,587
♪ 'cause we're south of heaven,
north of hell ♪
487
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,563
♪ buy, buy, buy, buy,
buy, buy, sell ♪
488
00:26:26,634 --> 00:26:28,195
♪ we guard the border
and we guard it well ♪
489
00:26:28,219 --> 00:26:30,147
♪ but some slip through the
cracks of the Liberty bell ♪
490
00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:32,066
♪ did I say Liberty?
I meant taco, paco ♪
491
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,068
♪ hey, you better
let that rock go ♪
492
00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:35,569
♪ 'cause in real life,
Goliath wins ♪
493
00:26:35,593 --> 00:26:37,071
♪ sells all the silk
that the widow spins ♪
494
00:26:37,095 --> 00:26:38,930
♪ yeah, one more time ♪
495
00:26:39,147 --> 00:26:41,732
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
496
00:26:42,233 --> 00:26:43,601
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
497
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:46,237
♪ said a hungry,
hungry hypocrite ♪
498
00:26:46,437 --> 00:26:48,999
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
499
00:26:49,023 --> 00:26:51,502
♪ and I'm a hy-y-pocrite ♪
500
00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:53,053
Yeah.
501
00:26:53,077 --> 00:26:55,139
♪ Bitches and hoes,
Bo's hoes ♪
502
00:26:55,163 --> 00:26:57,091
♪ yeah,
bitches and hoes ♪
503
00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:59,810
♪ yeah, I said bitches,
hoes ♪
504
00:26:59,834 --> 00:27:01,312
♪ bitches and hoes
don't exist ♪
505
00:27:01,336 --> 00:27:03,338
♪ because the hoes know
Bo's a feminist ♪
506
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,266
♪ bitches and hoes
don't exist ♪
507
00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:06,767
♪ because the hoes know
Bo's a feminist ♪
508
00:27:06,791 --> 00:27:09,270
♪ so take your bras
and burn 'em ♪
509
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:11,238
♪ you can let me burn 'em ♪
510
00:27:11,262 --> 00:27:12,622
♪ take off your bras
and burn 'em ♪
511
00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:14,317
♪ oh, you can let
Bo Burnham burn 'em ♪
512
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:16,610
♪ take your bras
and burn 'em ♪
513
00:27:16,634 --> 00:27:18,112
♪ you can let me burn 'em ♪
514
00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:19,637
♪ take off your bras
and burn 'em ♪
515
00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:22,140
♪ burn 'em, you can let
Bo Burnham burn 'em ♪
516
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:45,379
What the fuck?
517
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:57,651
Let US pray.
518
00:27:57,675 --> 00:27:59,236
Don't feel like
you can't participate,
519
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:00,738
by the way,
if you're not Christian,
520
00:28:00,762 --> 00:28:04,241
'cause this is a prayer
for all faiths, so...
521
00:28:04,265 --> 00:28:06,267
Dear Jesus of nazareth...
522
00:28:08,102 --> 00:28:09,914
First of all,
I'd like to thank you
523
00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:11,882
for calling yourself
Jesus of nazareth.
524
00:28:11,906 --> 00:28:13,968
It's sort of like the lord
of the rings or something.
525
00:28:13,992 --> 00:28:17,471
"I am Jesus of nazareth,
son of orflek, the butcher."
526
00:28:17,495 --> 00:28:20,998
We know, lord, that you so
loved the world from John 3:16,
527
00:28:21,499 --> 00:28:24,478
you so loved the world
that you sent your only son
528
00:28:24,502 --> 00:28:27,564
to die for US, your only son,
but at the same time,
529
00:28:27,588 --> 00:28:29,566
we're all your children,
so in your eyes,
530
00:28:29,590 --> 00:28:31,091
we're a bunch of girls.
531
00:28:36,097 --> 00:28:37,658
So help US as we struggle
532
00:28:37,682 --> 00:28:39,660
with the temptations
of lesbianism, amen.
533
00:28:39,684 --> 00:28:41,278
I, uh...
534
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:44,164
People come to me all the time...
All the time,
535
00:28:44,188 --> 00:28:46,166
they say the same thing,
you know,
536
00:28:46,190 --> 00:28:48,141
"Bo, you're an artist.
How do we fix Africa?"
537
00:28:53,231 --> 00:28:57,795
I read recently that there are
over 22 million people
538
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:00,297
living with HIV aids
in Sub-Saharan Africa.
539
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:03,767
Yeah.
It was a snapple fact.
540
00:29:03,791 --> 00:29:06,376
How do we fix it?
How do we fix it?
541
00:29:06,878 --> 00:29:07,878
This.
542
00:29:08,379 --> 00:29:10,357
Because laughter...
543
00:29:10,381 --> 00:29:12,359
Laughter is the best medicine,
544
00:29:12,383 --> 00:29:14,301
you know, besides medicine.
545
00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:19,590
You guys like impressions?
546
00:29:21,592 --> 00:29:25,072
Why?
547
00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:26,597
That was socrates.
548
00:29:28,349 --> 00:29:30,227
We've done a lot of laughing...
Lot of laughing.
549
00:29:30,251 --> 00:29:33,297
Great for a comedy show.
Hey, break the fourth wall.
550
00:29:33,321 --> 00:29:35,299
Ma'am.
Fifth wall... ma'am at home.
551
00:29:35,323 --> 00:29:38,886
We've done a lot of...
We've done a lot of laughing.
552
00:29:38,910 --> 00:29:40,971
But we haven't done a lot
of thinking.
553
00:29:40,995 --> 00:29:42,997
And I'd like to do that now,
and what better
554
00:29:43,498 --> 00:29:45,976
to stop comic inertia than
a little bit of poetic friction?
555
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,478
I've written some haikus.
556
00:29:47,502 --> 00:29:49,980
Haikus are Japanese poems
consisting of 17 syllables,
557
00:29:50,004 --> 00:29:51,899
3 lines, 5, 7, 5.
558
00:29:51,923 --> 00:29:54,852
I find them to have a certain
clearness in their cogency,
559
00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:56,854
sort of a soundness in their
simplicity, if you will.
560
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:59,857
So what we'll do now hopefully
is read these haikus,
561
00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:01,859
think for a little bit,
and then we'll go back
562
00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:03,360
to the jokes and the laughing
563
00:30:03,384 --> 00:30:05,863
and we'll have benefited
from the time we took to think.
564
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:08,332
So if could just, you know,
565
00:30:08,356 --> 00:30:10,858
put up with these,
think for a bit, hopefully,
566
00:30:11,359 --> 00:30:12,836
and then we'll go back
to the jokes,
567
00:30:12,860 --> 00:30:14,862
but these are my haikus.
568
00:30:23,704 --> 00:30:26,656
I saw a rainbow
on the day my grandma died.
569
00:30:29,577 --> 00:30:30,577
Fucking lesbian.
570
00:30:40,972 --> 00:30:45,652
For 15 cents a day,
you can feed an African.
571
00:30:45,676 --> 00:30:47,678
They eat pennies.
572
00:30:55,436 --> 00:30:57,414
Old people's skin sags
573
00:30:57,438 --> 00:31:00,167
because it is being
pulled towards the underworld.
574
00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:03,194
Missed that.
575
00:31:10,501 --> 00:31:13,764
A kid insulted my mother
so I said,
576
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:15,790
"your mama is so black!"
577
00:31:25,349 --> 00:31:28,969
"Do unto others as you would
have them do to you."
578
00:31:31,472 --> 00:31:33,273
Said the rapist.
579
00:31:42,867 --> 00:31:48,239
My aunt used to say,
"slow and steady wins the race."
580
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:52,994
She died in a fire.
581
00:32:00,885 --> 00:32:03,981
Those in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones
582
00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:07,091
or masturbate in the daytime.
583
00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:11,178
It's true.
584
00:32:14,982 --> 00:32:17,461
Even if he is your friend,
585
00:32:17,485 --> 00:32:20,488
never, ever call
an Asian person.
586
00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:32,009
And finally...
587
00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:34,035
Bono, if you wanna help
poor people,
588
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,920
sell your tinted shades,
you cunt.
589
00:32:50,635 --> 00:32:51,795
Thank you, this next piece...
590
00:32:52,136 --> 00:32:54,581
This next piece is called
"sonnet 155"
591
00:32:54,605 --> 00:32:56,583
or "if Shakespeare
had written a porn."
592
00:32:56,607 --> 00:32:58,585
And it goes like this.
593
00:32:58,609 --> 00:33:01,088
I saw the morning dew
betwixt thine thighs
594
00:33:01,112 --> 00:33:03,063
as I removed my source
of grecian power.
595
00:33:03,447 --> 00:33:06,009
As if king midas
dared to touch the skies,
596
00:33:06,033 --> 00:33:08,402
upon thy body fell
a golden shower.
597
00:33:11,789 --> 00:33:14,518
Thy body's temple's
two church bells had rung.
598
00:33:14,542 --> 00:33:17,354
Upon thy chest,
a roll of pearls bestowed.
599
00:33:17,378 --> 00:33:20,140
The sun had set,
thy set with weary hung.
600
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:24,334
I thought, how black a night,
and blew a load.
601
00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:30,817
I said what light through yonder
beaver breaks?
602
00:33:30,841 --> 00:33:32,342
It is the yeast.
603
00:33:40,601 --> 00:33:42,412
And now my belly's yellow.
604
00:33:42,436 --> 00:33:45,249
My pole gives cause
to storms and earthy quakes,
605
00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:48,135
but 'tis not massive,
I am no othello.
606
00:33:48,159 --> 00:33:51,138
And when that final moment
came to pass,
607
00:33:51,162 --> 00:33:53,640
like Christ,
I came a-riding on an ass.
608
00:33:53,664 --> 00:33:54,664
Thank you very much.
609
00:34:03,791 --> 00:34:06,570
Thank you,
William Shakespeare...
610
00:34:06,594 --> 00:34:08,572
William Shakespeare
was a verbal contortionist.
611
00:34:08,596 --> 00:34:10,073
He can bend his words
612
00:34:10,097 --> 00:34:11,575
the way a contortionist
bends his frame,
613
00:34:11,599 --> 00:34:12,576
and I would hope that he could
614
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,077
with a name
like William Shakespeare.
615
00:34:14,101 --> 00:34:15,579
William Shakespeare...
Some of you seem lost.
616
00:34:15,603 --> 00:34:17,030
Look, say your name
was Robert frost,
617
00:34:17,054 --> 00:34:18,582
and you couldn't write,
that would suck.
618
00:34:18,606 --> 00:34:20,534
Well, I guess you could always
go as Bobby frost
619
00:34:20,558 --> 00:34:22,085
and own an ice cream truck.
620
00:34:22,109 --> 00:34:25,589
He was balanced like a simile
and could stack metaphor five,
621
00:34:25,613 --> 00:34:26,873
six at a time and rhyme
622
00:34:26,897 --> 00:34:28,377
into the very last line
of a soliloquy
623
00:34:28,899 --> 00:34:30,377
which finally said outright
what the previous 77
624
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:31,845
we're only hinting at.
625
00:34:31,869 --> 00:34:33,347
He had puns and quips
and tons of trips
626
00:34:33,371 --> 00:34:34,371
with sons with ships,
627
00:34:34,872 --> 00:34:36,350
with nuns with hips
and buns and lips,
628
00:34:36,374 --> 00:34:39,353
but I have something
that Shakespeare never had.
629
00:34:39,377 --> 00:34:41,379
Penicillin.
630
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:44,858
See, it hadn't been
invented yet.
631
00:34:44,882 --> 00:34:47,861
Back then, they only had
quillicillin, hey-oh!
632
00:34:47,885 --> 00:34:48,945
Sorry, it's not that hard, bard.
633
00:34:48,969 --> 00:34:50,447
I'm sorry, I got a bone
to pick with you, William.
634
00:34:50,471 --> 00:34:52,316
So if you could just
listen up here
635
00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:54,201
and listen to this theater
queer's theater query here
636
00:34:54,225 --> 00:34:55,786
and maybe act like a real artist
for once in your life.
637
00:34:55,810 --> 00:34:57,871
Say Van gogh and,
"lend me your ear."
638
00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:58,896
You're not a writer.
639
00:34:59,397 --> 00:35:01,375
You're a writer like
hulk hogan's a street fighter.
640
00:35:01,399 --> 00:35:03,877
You write these dramas,
you accumulate your wealth,
641
00:35:03,901 --> 00:35:06,880
you hold nature
as t'were mirror of yourself.
642
00:35:06,904 --> 00:35:08,882
Just 'cause you're messed up
doesn't mean we are, too.
643
00:35:08,906 --> 00:35:10,266
Just 'cause you wanna bang
your mom
644
00:35:10,408 --> 00:35:11,385
doesn't mean
that Danish princes do.
645
00:35:11,409 --> 00:35:13,337
What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare.
Yeah, that's right.
646
00:35:13,361 --> 00:35:14,681
The young prince
whose father died
647
00:35:14,912 --> 00:35:16,306
at the hands of his uncle
with whom his mother lied.
648
00:35:16,330 --> 00:35:19,950
Sound familiar?
It's the fucking "lion king"!
649
00:35:22,953 --> 00:35:25,899
You stole from a Disney movie,
you androgynous douche.
650
00:35:25,923 --> 00:35:27,958
What's next,
the story of a French king
651
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:30,961
on a quest
to find his lost son Nemo?
652
00:35:33,514 --> 00:35:36,576
Oh, and by the way, poetic
talent is really easy to fake
653
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:40,520
when thy sentences
doth no fucking sense make.
654
00:35:43,441 --> 00:35:46,444
"To be or not to be?"
That is the question.
655
00:35:46,944 --> 00:35:49,423
Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer
656
00:35:49,447 --> 00:35:51,425
the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,
657
00:35:51,449 --> 00:35:53,844
or to take arms against
a sea of troubles,
658
00:35:53,868 --> 00:35:56,403
and by opposing end them,
to die...
659
00:35:56,787 --> 00:35:58,799
To sleep no more,
and by a sleep,
660
00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:01,375
to say we end the heartache
and the thousand natural shocks
661
00:36:01,876 --> 00:36:03,854
that flesh is heir to.
662
00:36:03,878 --> 00:36:05,856
'Tis a consummation devoutly
to be wish'd.
663
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:09,359
To die, to sleep,
to sleep, perchance to dream.
664
00:36:09,383 --> 00:36:12,946
Aye, there's the rub,
for in that sleep of death,
665
00:36:12,970 --> 00:36:14,948
what dreams may come
666
00:36:14,972 --> 00:36:16,652
when we have shuffled off
this mortal coil?
667
00:36:16,974 --> 00:36:18,902
Must give US pause.
668
00:36:18,926 --> 00:36:20,427
Like, what?
669
00:36:30,521 --> 00:36:34,000
This next song
is about quantum mechanics.
670
00:36:34,024 --> 00:36:35,025
This next song...
671
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:42,142
I was raised very well,
you know, like a field of corn.
672
00:36:42,166 --> 00:36:44,094
I was also raised
very Christian,
673
00:36:44,118 --> 00:36:45,595
like the children of the corn.
674
00:36:45,619 --> 00:36:47,179
And christians get angry at me,
they do,
675
00:36:47,621 --> 00:36:49,122
because I say things like,
676
00:36:49,623 --> 00:36:51,124
"why the long nose,
pope-nocchio?"
677
00:36:51,625 --> 00:36:54,104
They think
I'll gonna go to hell.
678
00:36:54,128 --> 00:36:55,605
Truth is,
I've been to Christian hell,
679
00:36:55,629 --> 00:36:56,963
and I wrote a song about it.
680
00:36:59,517 --> 00:37:02,078
♪ Hitler was there,
and so were all the Jews ♪
681
00:37:02,102 --> 00:37:05,105
♪ yeah, so it got
a little awkward ♪
682
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,265
I was surrounded by catholicism
at a young age
683
00:37:22,289 --> 00:37:24,374
and I was also in a garage band
for 20 minutes.
684
00:37:24,875 --> 00:37:26,660
This is the product of that.
Hit it.
685
00:37:47,147 --> 00:37:49,125
♪ All the seats
at the Sunday mass is ♪
686
00:37:49,149 --> 00:37:51,161
♪ filled with the masses'
mass of asses ♪
687
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:53,246
♪ classes pass as fast
as molasses ♪
688
00:37:53,270 --> 00:37:54,965
♪ ceremonial reading glasses ♪
689
00:37:54,989 --> 00:37:57,300
♪ read a little bit
of leviticus ♪
690
00:37:57,324 --> 00:37:59,302
♪ all the kids are a little
too little for this ♪
691
00:37:59,326 --> 00:38:00,804
♪ all the parents nod
in agreement ♪
692
00:38:00,828 --> 00:38:03,256
♪ "I think I can vaguely
see what he meant" ♪
693
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,724
♪ it's too early
in the morning glory ♪
694
00:38:04,748 --> 00:38:06,726
♪ to read another
allegory story ♪
695
00:38:06,750 --> 00:38:08,645
♪ the father
reads a little bit farther ♪
696
00:38:08,669 --> 00:38:11,014
♪ assuring the assured
that they need not bother ♪
697
00:38:11,038 --> 00:38:12,816
♪ when god, in verse 45 ♪
698
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:14,818
♪ said that slaves
are okay to buy ♪
699
00:38:14,842 --> 00:38:16,820
♪ he meant that people
all from the start ♪
700
00:38:16,844 --> 00:38:19,189
♪ each have slaves
within their hearts ♪
701
00:38:19,213 --> 00:38:20,693
♪ things that we have sold
or bought ♪
702
00:38:21,098 --> 00:38:23,026
♪ and then are forced to pick
our moral cotton ♪
703
00:38:23,050 --> 00:38:24,995
♪ god calls US
to set these free ♪
704
00:38:25,019 --> 00:38:26,997
♪ free our hearts
from slavery ♪
705
00:38:27,021 --> 00:38:28,999
♪ and then as god goes on
to explain ♪
706
00:38:29,023 --> 00:38:32,369
♪ the logistics of buying
and selling slaves ♪
707
00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:33,753
He was messin' around.
708
00:38:33,777 --> 00:38:37,614
He's... he...
Jesus is sort of like...
709
00:38:39,733 --> 00:38:41,294
♪ In the back,
I sit and I nod ♪
710
00:38:41,318 --> 00:38:43,296
♪ to the beats that
are bumpin' from my iPod ♪
711
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:44,821
♪ my god,
they're starting to pray ♪
712
00:38:45,322 --> 00:38:47,300
♪ and over the music,
I can hear them say ♪
713
00:38:47,324 --> 00:38:48,802
♪ dear god, dear lord ♪
714
00:38:48,826 --> 00:38:51,304
♪ dear vague muscular man
with a beard or a sword ♪
715
00:38:51,328 --> 00:38:53,273
♪ dear good all-seeing being ♪
716
00:38:53,297 --> 00:38:55,225
♪ my way or the highway
yahweh ♪
717
00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:56,750
♪ the blue-balled
anti-masturbator ♪
718
00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,112
♪ the great all-loving
faggot hater ♪
719
00:38:59,136 --> 00:39:00,981
♪ I like to thank
your holy might ♪
720
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,007
♪ for making me both rich
and white ♪
721
00:39:03,424 --> 00:39:04,944
♪ and though this is your day
of rest ♪
722
00:39:05,309 --> 00:39:06,786
♪ I come to you
with one request ♪
723
00:39:06,810 --> 00:39:08,812
♪ there's so much pain
beyond this steeple ♪
724
00:39:09,229 --> 00:39:11,074
♪ wars and drugs
and homeless people ♪
725
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:13,076
♪ sadness
where there should be joy ♪
726
00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:15,078
♪ hate and rape
and soulja boy ♪
727
00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:16,580
♪ a world in darkness
needs your light ♪
728
00:39:16,604 --> 00:39:18,572
♪ so I'm sure your schedule's
pretty tight ♪
729
00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:20,386
But my dog just had leg surgery.
730
00:39:20,858 --> 00:39:22,752
If you could fix that first?
731
00:39:22,776 --> 00:39:25,722
Jesus?
732
00:39:25,746 --> 00:39:29,009
♪ Debra messing's fingers
in a holy place ♪
733
00:39:29,033 --> 00:39:31,035
♪ hail Mary
full of grace ♪
734
00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:37,350
♪ Obama, could you pass
some hope to the pope? ♪
735
00:39:37,374 --> 00:39:38,818
♪ I know a couple dudes
who want to elope ♪
736
00:39:38,842 --> 00:39:40,854
♪ see, the church said nope,
so the bros can't cope ♪
737
00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:42,856
♪ bros can grope,
but the bros can't cope ♪
738
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,191
♪ they've been in love
and they've been addicted ♪
739
00:39:45,215 --> 00:39:47,527
♪ who said they shouldn't?
Benedict did ♪
740
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:48,912
♪ 'cause in the holy land
of the lord ♪
741
00:39:48,936 --> 00:39:51,364
♪ he's the holy landlord
and dicks are evicted ♪
742
00:39:51,388 --> 00:39:52,916
♪ 'cause you can be a Benedict ♪
743
00:39:52,940 --> 00:39:54,918
♪ if you bend a dick
under Benedict ♪
744
00:39:54,942 --> 00:39:56,953
♪ but you can't
have benedicts ♪
745
00:39:56,977 --> 00:39:59,372
♪ because there's only one pope
with only one dick, what? ♪
746
00:39:59,396 --> 00:40:00,840
♪ Yeah,
a dick on a pope is ♪
747
00:40:00,864 --> 00:40:02,842
♪ just like a soap on rope ♪
748
00:40:02,866 --> 00:40:05,211
♪ 'cause it's pointless
unless in prison ♪
749
00:40:05,235 --> 00:40:07,097
♪ throw up your bibles,
Christ has risen ♪
750
00:40:07,121 --> 00:40:08,548
♪ hallelujah,
now it's raining men ♪
751
00:40:08,572 --> 00:40:11,051
♪ because the gender ratio's
one-to-ten ♪
752
00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:12,626
♪ winos at
the eucharist station ♪
753
00:40:13,127 --> 00:40:15,472
♪ transgendered
substantiation ♪
754
00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:17,297
♪ Jesus wasn't the Messiah,
get back ♪
755
00:40:17,831 --> 00:40:18,808
♪ I'm a heretic,
and I'm on fire ♪
756
00:40:18,832 --> 00:40:20,810
♪ it was oedipus,
those holy knights ♪
757
00:40:20,834 --> 00:40:22,812
♪ the holy mother fuckin'
Christ ♪
758
00:40:22,836 --> 00:40:26,232
♪ I'm a blasphemer post-Katrina
cruisin' the Marina ♪
759
00:40:26,256 --> 00:40:29,152
♪ on a crusade to cruise aids
and blast fema ♪
760
00:40:29,176 --> 00:40:32,072
♪ you're too late, we're fucked,
we don't need you, amen ♪
761
00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:35,075
♪ in the name of the father,
son, and holy ghost ♪
762
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:36,743
♪ head, shoulders,
knees and toes ♪
763
00:40:36,767 --> 00:40:39,152
♪ turn up your nose,
strike that pose ♪
764
00:40:39,319 --> 00:40:40,903
♪ hey macarena ♪
765
00:40:57,037 --> 00:40:59,015
I wanted to be a physicist
when I was younger,
766
00:40:59,039 --> 00:41:00,517
and I also wanted to be
a comedian,
767
00:41:00,541 --> 00:41:02,018
but only one of those
sort of worked out.
768
00:41:02,042 --> 00:41:04,044
I'd like to try to do both,
though now
769
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:06,489
in a bit that I call
"theoretical dick jokes."
770
00:41:06,513 --> 00:41:08,047
Goes like this.
771
00:41:09,516 --> 00:41:11,494
My penis is so small
I often have trouble finding it
772
00:41:11,518 --> 00:41:13,496
because it's so gratefully
influenced by
773
00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:15,999
quantum mechanical fluctuations
in the fabric of space-time.
774
00:41:16,023 --> 00:41:18,001
And when I'm having intercourse
with a woman,
775
00:41:18,025 --> 00:41:20,003
she can only know where my penis
is or how fast it's moving
776
00:41:20,027 --> 00:41:22,005
'cause it's small enough
and light enough to be fully
777
00:41:22,029 --> 00:41:23,949
governed by the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle.
778
00:41:23,981 --> 00:41:25,008
I've got an eating disorder.
779
00:41:25,032 --> 00:41:27,510
Yeah, more like
nutritional entropy.
780
00:41:27,534 --> 00:41:29,012
So...
781
00:41:29,036 --> 00:41:32,039
Never said I was funny, okay?
So stop staring at me.
782
00:41:34,408 --> 00:41:35,885
Segues are weird.
783
00:41:35,909 --> 00:41:38,888
How old is too old
to stop believing in, like,
784
00:41:38,912 --> 00:41:40,857
the tooth fairy, like, 12?
785
00:41:40,881 --> 00:41:44,778
I have a cousin who is 18, yeah.
786
00:41:44,802 --> 00:41:46,696
Still believes in gay marriage.
787
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,805
It's like...
788
00:41:51,391 --> 00:41:52,902
I know what you guys
are thinking...
789
00:41:52,926 --> 00:41:55,405
"oh, Bo, you tackle
such taboo subjects.
790
00:41:55,429 --> 00:41:57,407
You know,
"is there anything off-limits,
791
00:41:57,431 --> 00:41:59,232
"anything you don't find funny,
792
00:41:59,399 --> 00:42:01,484
anything you think
is too sacred to laugh at?"
793
00:42:01,985 --> 00:42:04,487
And the truth is, there is.
794
00:42:06,490 --> 00:42:07,491
White people.
795
00:42:13,914 --> 00:42:15,916
I think we've been
through enough.
796
00:42:20,704 --> 00:42:22,789
I find numbers to be fascinating
797
00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:24,934
and more specifically
than numbers, I find statistics
798
00:42:24,958 --> 00:42:27,437
to be particularly enlightening,
thought-provoking even.
799
00:42:27,461 --> 00:42:29,439
I've gathered some here.
These are all 100% true.
800
00:42:29,463 --> 00:42:31,903
When you leave this theater and
enter the world devoid of art,
801
00:42:32,099 --> 00:42:33,576
you can check these,
and they will come back
802
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:34,601
'cause they are true.
803
00:42:35,102 --> 00:42:37,080
I don't want them
to blow your mind,
804
00:42:37,104 --> 00:42:39,082
but maybe you'll hear
one of these and go,
805
00:42:39,106 --> 00:42:40,583
"oh, my god,
never thought of that."
806
00:42:40,607 --> 00:42:43,109
So these are my statistics.
807
00:42:45,195 --> 00:42:47,697
Approximately 33.33%
808
00:42:48,198 --> 00:42:50,200
of the Jonas brothers
have diabetes.
809
00:42:56,406 --> 00:42:58,885
One out of every four kids
with the initials a.D.D.
810
00:42:58,909 --> 00:43:00,911
Actually has it,
and four out of four kids
811
00:43:01,411 --> 00:43:03,131
with the initials a.D.H.D.
Have an annoying,
812
00:43:03,413 --> 00:43:05,391
self-righteous mother who
wouldn't just shut the fuck up
813
00:43:05,415 --> 00:43:06,999
and take her husband's
last name.
814
00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:14,117
Here's a fun one.
815
00:43:14,141 --> 00:43:17,644
One of the every 44
u.S. Presidents can dunk.
816
00:43:22,232 --> 00:43:24,734
It's Millard Fillmore,
you racists.
817
00:43:26,987 --> 00:43:31,491
The average child of Sarah Palin
has 46.2 chromosomes.
818
00:43:32,993 --> 00:43:34,754
It's a fact!
819
00:43:34,778 --> 00:43:36,780
I'm not making light of it.
It's numbers.
820
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:41,261
All right, you guys are offended
by that one,
821
00:43:41,285 --> 00:43:43,263
you're definitely gonna be
offended by the next one.
822
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:45,565
But you have to understand
something...
823
00:43:45,589 --> 00:43:48,151
I am, too.
824
00:43:48,175 --> 00:43:50,627
I think this is fucked up.
825
00:43:52,679 --> 00:43:56,159
.27% of all jenga games
are played on 9/11.
826
00:43:56,183 --> 00:43:57,944
Now...
827
00:43:57,968 --> 00:43:59,648
It's fucked up!
Stop playing jenga on 9/11.
828
00:44:00,053 --> 00:44:02,031
Stop it. Stop it.
829
00:44:02,055 --> 00:44:05,558
Stop playing jenga...
830
00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:09,539
That was awkward.
831
00:44:09,563 --> 00:44:13,042
This next one blew my mind.
Blew my mind.
832
00:44:13,066 --> 00:44:15,345
And you're not gonna
believe this when you hear it.
833
00:44:15,369 --> 00:44:17,847
But go home, check it.
I swear to god it's true.
834
00:44:17,871 --> 00:44:20,850
The average person...
835
00:44:20,874 --> 00:44:23,376
Has one fallopian tube.
836
00:44:32,135 --> 00:44:34,113
The average penis length
is 5 1/2 inches.
837
00:44:34,137 --> 00:44:36,115
And finally, the average
penis length of a man
838
00:44:36,139 --> 00:44:38,618
who googles "average
penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.
839
00:44:38,642 --> 00:44:39,926
Thank you.
840
00:44:46,316 --> 00:44:47,877
Yeah, Bo!
841
00:44:47,901 --> 00:44:48,902
Yeah, Bo!
842
00:44:51,571 --> 00:44:53,656
Yeah.
843
00:44:54,157 --> 00:44:55,635
Thank you.
844
00:44:55,659 --> 00:44:59,138
I went to the movies the other
day because I went to see
845
00:44:59,162 --> 00:45:02,165
the 20th anniversary
of "schindler's list" in 3-d.
846
00:45:04,167 --> 00:45:07,170
And I went into the girls'
bathroom to look for my camera.
847
00:45:08,672 --> 00:45:13,653
And I saw a container that
said "sanitary napkins only."
848
00:45:13,677 --> 00:45:15,095
Ladies...
849
00:45:17,597 --> 00:45:19,575
Don't put all your eggs
in one basket!
850
00:45:19,599 --> 00:45:21,601
That's a joke!
851
00:45:48,912 --> 00:45:51,297
This song...
852
00:45:51,548 --> 00:45:54,717
This song isn't funny at all,
but it helps me sleep at night.
853
00:46:06,596 --> 00:46:09,659
♪ Art is dead ♪
854
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,569
♪ art is dead ♪
855
00:46:12,853 --> 00:46:15,415
♪ art is dead ♪
856
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,917
♪ art is dead ♪
857
00:46:17,941 --> 00:46:21,921
♪ entertainers
like to seem complicated ♪
858
00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:24,257
♪ but we're not complicated ♪
859
00:46:24,281 --> 00:46:27,560
♪ I can explain it
pretty easily ♪
860
00:46:27,584 --> 00:46:31,064
♪ have you ever been to
a birthday party for children ♪
861
00:46:31,088 --> 00:46:34,067
♪ and one of the children
won't stop screaming ♪
862
00:46:34,091 --> 00:46:36,936
♪ 'cause he's just a little
attention-attractor ♪
863
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:39,545
♪ when he grows up
to be a comic or actor ♪
864
00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:42,825
♪ he'll be rewarded
for never maturing ♪
865
00:46:42,849 --> 00:46:45,101
♪ for never understanding
or learning ♪
866
00:46:45,602 --> 00:46:47,997
♪ that every day
can't be about him ♪
867
00:46:48,021 --> 00:46:51,034
♪ there's other people,
you selfish asshole ♪
868
00:46:51,058 --> 00:46:53,527
♪ I must be psychotic,
I must be demented ♪
869
00:46:54,027 --> 00:46:56,506
♪ to think that I'm worthy
of all this attention ♪
870
00:46:56,530 --> 00:46:59,509
♪ of all of this money
you worked really hard for ♪
871
00:46:59,533 --> 00:47:02,428
♪ I slept in late while
you worked at the drugstore ♪
872
00:47:02,452 --> 00:47:05,381
♪ my drug's attention,
I am an addict ♪
873
00:47:05,405 --> 00:47:07,907
♪ but I get paid
to indulge in my habit ♪
874
00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:11,137
♪ it's all an illusion,
I'm wearing make-up ♪
875
00:47:11,161 --> 00:47:15,191
♪ I'm wearing make-up,
make-up, make-up, make-up ♪
876
00:47:15,215 --> 00:47:16,776
♪ art is dead ♪
877
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:18,277
♪ so people
think you're funny ♪
878
00:47:18,301 --> 00:47:20,219
♪ how do we get
those people's money? ♪
879
00:47:20,504 --> 00:47:22,565
♪ I said art is dead ♪
880
00:47:22,589 --> 00:47:26,569
♪ we're rolling in dough while
carlin rolls in his grave ♪
881
00:47:26,593 --> 00:47:28,071
♪ his grave ♪
882
00:47:28,095 --> 00:47:30,564
♪ his grave ♪
883
00:47:30,897 --> 00:47:33,482
♪ I said the show has got
a budget ♪
884
00:47:33,984 --> 00:47:36,462
♪ the show has got a budget ♪
885
00:47:36,486 --> 00:47:38,965
♪ and all the poor people
way more deserving ♪
886
00:47:38,989 --> 00:47:41,918
♪ of the money
won't budge it ♪
887
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:44,387
♪ 'cause I wanted
my name in lights ♪
888
00:47:44,411 --> 00:47:47,390
♪ when I could have fed
a family of four ♪
889
00:47:47,414 --> 00:47:50,393
♪ for 40 fucking fortnights ♪
890
00:47:50,417 --> 00:47:52,368
♪ 40 fucking fortnights ♪
891
00:47:52,752 --> 00:47:55,148
♪ I am an artist,
please, god, forgive me ♪
892
00:47:55,172 --> 00:47:57,624
♪ I am an artist,
please, don't revere me ♪
893
00:47:58,008 --> 00:48:00,570
♪ I am an artist,
please, don't respect me ♪
894
00:48:00,594 --> 00:48:03,072
♪ I am an artist,
feel free to correct me ♪
895
00:48:03,096 --> 00:48:05,765
♪ a self-centered artist,
self-obsessed artist ♪
896
00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:08,995
♪ I am an artist,
I am an artist ♪
897
00:48:09,019 --> 00:48:10,970
♪ but I'm just a kid,
I'm just a kid ♪
898
00:48:11,521 --> 00:48:15,274
♪ I'm just a kid, kid,
and maybe I'll grow out of it ♪
899
00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:26,679
Old comics...
Older comics from, like,
900
00:48:26,703 --> 00:48:29,966
the '80s and the '70s,
they think that my act is hacky
901
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:31,710
because it relies
on music and other things,
902
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:33,553
and they're such comedy purists,
903
00:48:33,577 --> 00:48:36,079
and they don't think my comedy
can stand on its own,
904
00:48:36,580 --> 00:48:38,524
which isn't true because, right,
905
00:48:38,548 --> 00:48:40,082
I am a comedy purist at heart,
906
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:42,184
and I can do comedy
without the gimmicks.
907
00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:44,921
And it can still be good.
I'll show you that right now.
908
00:48:45,172 --> 00:48:48,258
What do you call a kid
with no arms and an eye patch?
909
00:48:48,758 --> 00:48:50,559
Names.
910
00:49:03,990 --> 00:49:07,970
I'm not a traditional stand-up,
um, but I'd like to be.
911
00:49:07,994 --> 00:49:09,922
I love traditional
stand-up comedy,
912
00:49:09,946 --> 00:49:12,975
and a lot of my heroes
are traditional stand-up comics,
913
00:49:12,999 --> 00:49:14,477
and I've been watching
a lot of it,
914
00:49:14,501 --> 00:49:17,430
and I think I've sort of
figured out the trick to it.
915
00:49:17,454 --> 00:49:19,982
So I'll give you my traditional
stand-up act now.
916
00:49:20,006 --> 00:49:22,985
It's in its infancy
so please be gentle.
917
00:49:23,009 --> 00:49:25,488
Uh...
918
00:49:25,512 --> 00:49:27,514
My wife, right?
919
00:49:31,518 --> 00:49:33,996
We never have sex, like, ever,
which is funny.
920
00:49:34,020 --> 00:49:35,998
Something else is I never know
what she's saying.
921
00:49:36,022 --> 00:49:39,285
You know, she'll say something,
and I'll be, like...
922
00:49:39,309 --> 00:49:42,255
Something else is, she's, like,
constantly emasculating me,
923
00:49:42,279 --> 00:49:44,257
and I'm making her resent
herself for getting older,
924
00:49:44,281 --> 00:49:46,876
so we're looking into a divorce,
which is funny.
925
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:48,961
Something else
is she can't drive.
926
00:49:48,985 --> 00:49:50,953
The only thing she can drive
is drive me crazy!
927
00:49:51,488 --> 00:49:53,088
You know, when she back-talks,
I hit her.
928
00:50:00,130 --> 00:50:01,631
I hope you all enjoyed the show.
929
00:50:02,132 --> 00:50:06,479
Thank you so much for coming,
and if you didn't, you know...
930
00:50:06,503 --> 00:50:09,865
When life gets you down...
931
00:50:09,889 --> 00:50:11,390
Make a comforter.
932
00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:22,712
I feel like hip-hop...
933
00:50:22,736 --> 00:50:26,999
Used to be a voice
for the voiceless, you know?
934
00:50:27,023 --> 00:50:28,968
And now it's become,
at least in the mainstream,
935
00:50:28,992 --> 00:50:32,996
a symbol of misogyny...
936
00:50:35,498 --> 00:50:36,999
Gay panic...
937
00:50:39,002 --> 00:50:41,981
Fiscal irresponsibility,
you know?
938
00:50:42,005 --> 00:50:45,434
So I figure...
939
00:50:45,458 --> 00:50:47,009
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
940
00:50:47,510 --> 00:50:49,071
♪ Hittin' the club up
v.I.P. ♪
941
00:50:49,095 --> 00:50:50,573
♪ I've got a fake mustache
and a fake I.D. ♪
942
00:50:50,597 --> 00:50:53,576
♪ I look like wooly Willy
with a really wooly Willy ♪
943
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:54,968
♪ and I bypass the bouncer ♪
944
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:57,446
♪ pass by an ex, and I flex
and bounce her, wowser ♪
945
00:50:57,470 --> 00:50:58,948
♪ look at all of Bo's hoes ♪
946
00:50:58,972 --> 00:51:00,449
♪ looking for a ride
on Bo's hose ♪
947
00:51:00,473 --> 00:51:01,974
♪ and I spot a little latino ♪
948
00:51:02,475 --> 00:51:03,953
♪ Booty so big,
call it Oprah's ego ♪
949
00:51:03,977 --> 00:51:05,204
♪ we go do it through it ♪
950
00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:07,757
♪ she says,
"dios mio, mi amigo" ♪
951
00:51:07,781 --> 00:51:10,293
♪ when we were done, she said,
"heh, imma aya" ♪
952
00:51:10,317 --> 00:51:13,787
♪ swallow, bitch, there's people
starvin' in Africa ♪
953
00:51:20,043 --> 00:51:21,127
♪ Single every single day ♪
954
00:51:21,628 --> 00:51:23,105
♪ do it every single way ♪
955
00:51:23,129 --> 00:51:24,607
♪ make the single ladies say ♪
956
00:51:24,631 --> 00:51:26,416
♪ oh, Bo ♪
957
00:51:26,583 --> 00:51:29,145
♪ and if I were gay,
though I swear I'm straight ♪
958
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:30,646
♪ I'd make the fellas say ♪
959
00:51:30,670 --> 00:51:32,365
♪ oh, Bo ♪
960
00:51:32,389 --> 00:51:33,949
♪ I said, oh, Bo ♪
961
00:51:33,973 --> 00:51:35,975
♪ oh, Bo ♪
962
00:51:37,977 --> 00:51:39,538
♪ you're an ice cream sundae
with a cherry on top ♪
963
00:51:39,562 --> 00:51:41,324
♪ but careful, cherry,
'cause I'm the king of pop ♪
964
00:51:41,348 --> 00:51:42,658
♪ pop,
pop goes the weasel ♪
965
00:51:42,682 --> 00:51:44,160
♪ have you lookin' like
Jackson pollack's easel ♪
966
00:51:44,184 --> 00:51:45,828
♪ yeah, my suggestion is ♪
967
00:51:45,852 --> 00:51:47,830
♪ you don't blow till you know
what congestion is ♪
968
00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:49,332
♪ swallow when you know
what digestion is ♪
969
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,334
♪ follow Bo,
the only question is ♪
970
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:52,668
♪ have you been splattered
before ♪
971
00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:53,969
♪ by the mad hatter matador ♪
972
00:51:53,993 --> 00:51:55,971
♪ cake batter nevermore ♪
973
00:51:55,995 --> 00:51:57,363
♪ it don't matter
whether you're ♪
974
00:51:57,697 --> 00:52:00,259
♪ Spanish, French, Swedish,
or Cambodian ♪
975
00:52:00,283 --> 00:52:03,786
♪ I'll slime you so hard
you could be on nickelodeon ♪
976
00:52:06,706 --> 00:52:08,017
♪ single every single day ♪
977
00:52:08,041 --> 00:52:09,518
♪ do it every single way ♪
978
00:52:09,542 --> 00:52:11,520
♪ make the single ladies say ♪
979
00:52:11,544 --> 00:52:12,605
♪ oh, Bo ♪
980
00:52:12,629 --> 00:52:14,607
♪ and if I were gay ♪
981
00:52:14,631 --> 00:52:15,871
♪ though I swear I'm straight ♪
982
00:52:16,132 --> 00:52:17,433
♪ I'd make the fellas say ♪
983
00:52:23,390 --> 00:52:25,892
♪ Oh, Bo,
I said, oh, Bo ♪
984
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:29,038
♪ I said, oh, Bo ♪
985
00:52:29,062 --> 00:52:30,646
♪ you think
that you can handle me ♪
986
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:32,708
♪ girl,
don't make me laugh ♪
987
00:52:32,732 --> 00:52:35,211
♪ my junk is bipolar,
it'll split you in half ♪
988
00:52:35,235 --> 00:52:37,213
♪ I said,
and if you're lucky ♪
989
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:39,465
♪ I might just bring you home,
and I'll have you going down ♪
990
00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:41,467
♪ like you're growing
an extra chromosome ♪
991
00:52:41,491 --> 00:52:43,636
♪ and when you love me,
don't grab me by my buns ♪
992
00:52:43,660 --> 00:52:48,140
♪ 'cause I got a bad case
of the ru-u-ns ♪
993
00:52:48,164 --> 00:52:49,465
♪ I got the runs ♪
994
00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:52,278
♪ I got the ru-uh-uh-
oh, oh ♪
995
00:52:52,302 --> 00:52:53,863
♪ single every single day ♪
996
00:52:53,887 --> 00:52:55,338
♪ do it every single way ♪
997
00:52:55,638 --> 00:52:56,899
♪ make the single ladies say ♪
998
00:52:56,923 --> 00:52:58,401
♪ oh, Bo ♪
999
00:52:58,425 --> 00:53:00,369
♪ and if I were,
oh, so that I were ♪
1000
00:53:00,393 --> 00:53:02,261
♪ yeah, and if I were ♪
1001
00:53:04,097 --> 00:53:08,544
Like to break it down for y'all.
1002
00:53:08,568 --> 00:53:10,653
I came from the streets
with nothing.
1003
00:53:13,156 --> 00:53:15,658
Now I'm making hit records.
1004
00:53:16,109 --> 00:53:18,637
For my people still living
in the streets,
1005
00:53:18,661 --> 00:53:20,139
still living in poverty,
1006
00:53:20,163 --> 00:53:23,476
I wanna tell you,
I'm doing this for you.
1007
00:53:23,500 --> 00:53:26,312
My success...
1008
00:53:26,336 --> 00:53:28,180
Is your success.
1009
00:53:28,204 --> 00:53:30,485
And you may be thinking, "hey,
if you really believe that,
1010
00:53:30,590 --> 00:53:32,067
"why don't you use
some of your money
1011
00:53:32,091 --> 00:53:34,069
"to help
rebuild the neighborhood
1012
00:53:34,093 --> 00:53:36,879
instead of putting spinning rims
on a gold jetski?"
1013
00:53:39,682 --> 00:53:42,184
And to that I say...
1014
00:53:45,188 --> 00:53:46,665
Uh-oh, chorus is coming up.
1015
00:53:46,689 --> 00:53:48,167
♪ Single every single day ♪
1016
00:53:48,191 --> 00:53:49,231
♪ do it every single way ♪
1017
00:53:49,692 --> 00:53:51,170
♪ make those single ladies say ♪
1018
00:53:51,194 --> 00:53:52,671
♪ oh, Bo ♪
1019
00:53:52,695 --> 00:53:54,673
♪ and if I were,
oh, so that I were ♪
1020
00:53:54,697 --> 00:53:57,176
♪ yeah, and if I were ♪
1021
00:53:57,200 --> 00:53:59,261
♪ you got a fume like a tuna ♪
1022
00:53:59,285 --> 00:54:00,763
♪ I'll smell you later ♪
1023
00:54:00,787 --> 00:54:04,133
♪ I met a fat chick and I
fucked her in an elevator ♪
1024
00:54:04,157 --> 00:54:06,576
♪ it was wrong
on so many levels ♪
1025
00:54:08,578 --> 00:54:11,690
♪ 'cause I said it was wrong
on so many levels ♪
1026
00:54:11,714 --> 00:54:13,749
♪ I said it was wrong on ♪
1027
00:54:52,171 --> 00:54:54,206
Oh...
1028
00:55:00,630 --> 00:55:01,630
Okay.
1029
00:55:10,940 --> 00:55:13,452
♪ I don't know
if all boy scouts are gay ♪
1030
00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:14,977
♪ they could probably
tie the knot ♪
1031
00:55:15,478 --> 00:55:17,456
♪ in like fifty different... ♪
I'm dying inside!
1032
00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:19,458
♪ I got a safe full of cherries
'cause I pop it and lock it ♪
1033
00:55:19,482 --> 00:55:21,460
♪ a girl's like a fridge, once
a week you should stalk it ♪
1034
00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:23,095
♪ if your into rimmin, it's only
safe if your swimmin' ♪
1035
00:55:23,119 --> 00:55:24,597
♪ girl,
don't sit on that couch ♪
1036
00:55:24,621 --> 00:55:25,931
♪ 'cause I treat my objects
like women ♪
1037
00:55:25,955 --> 00:55:27,800
♪ I spit fire
like I just blew a demon ♪
1038
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:29,802
♪ my shit's so hot I'll leave
your toilet bowl steamin' ♪
1039
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,804
♪ I'm gonna tear it
like the cards of the gypsies ♪
1040
00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:34,056
♪ you'll bleed for so long
you'll get monthly ellipses ♪
1041
00:55:34,080 --> 00:55:36,025
♪ if your pants are loose,
I'll replete ya ♪
1042
00:55:36,049 --> 00:55:38,027
♪ you're a first time vegan,
and it's nice to meet ya ♪
1043
00:55:38,051 --> 00:55:39,945
♪ I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1044
00:55:39,969 --> 00:55:41,447
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1045
00:55:41,471 --> 00:55:42,948
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1046
00:55:42,972 --> 00:55:44,723
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1047
00:55:45,258 --> 00:55:47,236
♪ I'm a real g that can really
find your g spot ♪
1048
00:55:47,260 --> 00:55:51,314
♪ oh, yeah,
you're not a fucking metronome ♪
1049
00:55:53,483 --> 00:55:56,078
Yeah.
1050
00:55:56,102 --> 00:55:59,164
♪ Go to a vagina orchard,
count 1, 2, 3 ♪
1051
00:55:59,188 --> 00:56:01,166
♪ spin that plant around,
you got a third world country ♪
1052
00:56:01,190 --> 00:56:02,668
♪ no, that's right,
consider yourself warned ♪
1053
00:56:02,692 --> 00:56:04,169
♪ I'm offensive and creative
like handicapped porn ♪
1054
00:56:04,193 --> 00:56:05,671
♪ you're playing
with your breasts ♪
1055
00:56:05,695 --> 00:56:07,139
♪ excuse me,
can I try it ma'am? ♪
1056
00:56:07,163 --> 00:56:09,323
♪ Your pushin' 'em together
like a titty venn diagram ♪
1057
00:56:09,532 --> 00:56:11,343
♪ look at that crack,
excuse me can I buy a gram? ♪
1058
00:56:11,367 --> 00:56:13,345
♪ Right below your diaphragm,
ass looks like your hidin' ham ♪
1059
00:56:13,369 --> 00:56:14,569
♪ first base,
were making out ♪
1060
00:56:14,954 --> 00:56:16,932
♪ mother fucker, second base,
I'm getting faked out, yo ♪
1061
00:56:16,956 --> 00:56:18,901
♪ third base,
I'm getting take-out ♪
1062
00:56:18,925 --> 00:56:20,936
♪ and I try to take it home
if I knew I'd take it out ♪
1063
00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:23,012
♪ but I just don't know
I said I just don't care ♪
1064
00:56:23,596 --> 00:56:25,574
♪ my flow's so cold I need
a tampon from a polar bear ♪
1065
00:56:25,598 --> 00:56:27,776
♪ and you can spell
and smell my stink ♪
1066
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:29,278
♪ 'cause b.O. Lingers
and it makes you think ♪
1067
00:56:29,302 --> 00:56:31,363
♪ I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1068
00:56:31,387 --> 00:56:32,865
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1069
00:56:32,889 --> 00:56:34,366
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1070
00:56:34,390 --> 00:56:35,868
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1071
00:56:35,892 --> 00:56:37,560
I'm bad at sex.
Get it?
1072
00:56:41,981 --> 00:56:43,509
Yeah, what?
1073
00:56:43,533 --> 00:56:45,814
♪ 'Cause girls are like donuts
when I be bustin' Bo nuts ♪
1074
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:48,047
♪ I can make 'em cream-filled
or give them a layer of glaze ♪
1075
00:56:48,071 --> 00:56:49,965
♪ I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter
whenever I meet her ♪
1076
00:56:49,989 --> 00:56:51,189
♪ 'cause I skeet her so hard ♪
1077
00:56:51,290 --> 00:56:52,801
♪ people call her Patty
mayonnaise ♪
1078
00:56:52,825 --> 00:56:54,970
Yeah, that's sad.
1079
00:56:54,994 --> 00:56:57,556
♪ Yeah, what, uh ♪
1080
00:56:57,580 --> 00:57:00,059
♪ yeah, 'cause there's
an inverse relationship ♪
1081
00:57:00,083 --> 00:57:01,560
♪ between respect and sects ♪
1082
00:57:01,584 --> 00:57:03,062
♪ I'm talking about religious
sects like a mormon sect ♪
1083
00:57:03,086 --> 00:57:04,229
♪ that says you can't have sex ♪
1084
00:57:04,253 --> 00:57:05,781
♪ with members
of different sects ♪
1085
00:57:05,805 --> 00:57:07,783
♪ but you can't have sex
with members of the same sex ♪
1086
00:57:07,807 --> 00:57:09,318
♪ the sects can't be different,
sex can't be same ♪
1087
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,820
♪ the only sex left
is some left-hand shame ♪
1088
00:57:11,844 --> 00:57:13,455
♪ girl, I left you
'cause you left the game ♪
1089
00:57:13,479 --> 00:57:15,290
♪ and if that don't feel right
then you can write my name ♪
1090
00:57:15,314 --> 00:57:17,209
♪ 'cause I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1091
00:57:17,233 --> 00:57:19,211
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1092
00:57:19,235 --> 00:57:20,663
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1093
00:57:20,687 --> 00:57:21,714
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1094
00:57:21,738 --> 00:57:24,524
♪ oh, gee ♪
1095
00:57:29,862 --> 00:57:31,423
♪ My junks so long
that it hangs and swings ♪
1096
00:57:31,447 --> 00:57:33,847
♪ at the nude beach people think
I'm lookin' for lost rings ♪
1097
00:57:33,916 --> 00:57:36,061
♪ play the skin flute,
your big boy sings ♪
1098
00:57:36,085 --> 00:57:38,063
If you want to take it all
wear African neck rings.
1099
00:57:38,087 --> 00:57:40,873
'Cause, like, man.
1100
00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:42,685
♪ Haters call me gay,
but that ain't hatin' ♪
1101
00:57:42,709 --> 00:57:44,687
♪ 'cause I'm not homophobic,
my morals are straight ♪
1102
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:46,655
♪ and if I'm in the closet
then you are below me ♪
1103
00:57:46,679 --> 00:57:48,657
♪ takin' the b-a-t
out of "basement," homey ♪
1104
00:57:48,681 --> 00:57:50,576
Spells "semen."
1105
00:57:50,600 --> 00:57:52,611
♪ 'Cause I'm Bo, yo, and
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1106
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:54,580
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1107
00:57:54,604 --> 00:57:55,614
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1108
00:57:55,638 --> 00:57:57,116
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1109
00:57:57,140 --> 00:57:59,752
This song's gonna end
really awkwardly.
1110
00:57:59,776 --> 00:58:01,561
Thank you.
I'll do one...
1111
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:03,505
Thank you guys
so much for coming.
1112
00:58:03,529 --> 00:58:05,607
I hope you have a great night,
and you're the best.
1113
00:58:05,631 --> 00:58:08,260
See you, Boston!
Whoa, Boston!
1114
00:58:08,284 --> 00:58:09,785
Red Sox.
1115
00:58:14,290 --> 00:58:16,208
Go, mo Vaughn.
1116
00:58:19,128 --> 00:58:22,107
♪ I love you
like kings love queens ♪
1117
00:58:22,131 --> 00:58:26,311
♪ like a gay geneticist
loves designer genes ♪
1118
00:58:26,335 --> 00:58:28,313
♪ I need you like New Orleans
needs a drought ♪
1119
00:58:28,337 --> 00:58:31,116
♪ like Hitler's father
needed to learn to pull out ♪
1120
00:58:31,140 --> 00:58:32,401
♪ and I want you, yeah ♪
1121
00:58:32,425 --> 00:58:35,404
♪ like a lawyer/mathematician
wants some kind of proof ♪
1122
00:58:35,428 --> 00:58:37,239
♪ and I want you, yeah ♪
1123
00:58:37,263 --> 00:58:39,625
♪ like jfk wanted ♪
1124
00:58:39,649 --> 00:58:41,150
♪ a car with a roof ♪
1125
00:58:43,436 --> 00:58:46,415
Is he here?
1126
00:58:46,439 --> 00:58:49,001
♪ Because love
is taking a dive ♪
1127
00:58:49,025 --> 00:58:50,502
♪ then getting
really comfortable ♪
1128
00:58:50,526 --> 00:58:51,860
♪ and peeing in the pool ♪
1129
00:58:52,111 --> 00:58:53,672
♪ and love is
a real-life porn ♪
1130
00:58:53,696 --> 00:58:56,058
♪ minus all the stuff
that makes porn cool ♪
1131
00:58:56,082 --> 00:58:57,926
♪ and love is a homeless guy ♪
1132
00:58:57,950 --> 00:58:59,895
♪ searching for treasure
in the middle of the rain ♪
1133
00:58:59,919 --> 00:59:02,431
♪ and finding
a bag of gold coins ♪
1134
00:59:02,455 --> 00:59:04,933
♪ and slowly finding out they're
all filled with chocolate ♪
1135
00:59:04,957 --> 00:59:06,935
♪ and even though
he's heartbroken ♪
1136
00:59:06,959 --> 00:59:09,378
♪ he can't complain 'cause he
was hungry in the first place ♪
1137
00:59:13,382 --> 00:59:15,360
♪ I love you
like dora loves maps ♪
1138
00:59:15,384 --> 00:59:18,247
♪ like the pope's toilet loves
holy craps ♪
1139
00:59:18,271 --> 00:59:20,332
♪ I need you
like a voyeur needs a branch ♪
1140
00:59:20,356 --> 00:59:21,834
♪ like boys tossing salad ♪
1141
00:59:21,858 --> 00:59:23,836
♪ needs a little bit
of neverland ranch ♪
1142
00:59:23,860 --> 00:59:25,645
I wrote it before!
I'm fine.
1143
00:59:25,812 --> 00:59:27,372
♪ And I want you, yeah ♪
1144
00:59:27,396 --> 00:59:28,874
♪ like all the gothic kids
that look exactly the same ♪
1145
00:59:28,898 --> 00:59:30,876
♪ never want to conform,
what? ♪
1146
00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:34,570
♪ And I want you
like Anne frank wanted ♪
1147
00:59:35,037 --> 00:59:37,072
Nobody to read
her fucking diary.
1148
00:59:37,573 --> 00:59:39,468
♪ 'Cause a diary's a collection
of secret things ♪
1149
00:59:39,492 --> 00:59:41,053
♪ no one's supposed to read ♪
1150
00:59:41,077 --> 00:59:42,054
♪ that's the whole point
of a diary ♪
1151
00:59:42,078 --> 00:59:43,555
♪ millions of people
have breached ♪
1152
00:59:43,579 --> 00:59:45,557
♪ this little girl's privacy
after she was chased by Nazis ♪
1153
00:59:45,581 --> 00:59:47,526
♪ kick her while she's down ♪
1154
00:59:47,550 --> 00:59:50,062
♪ and if we met
in 10,000 bc ♪
1155
00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:52,972
♪ I was your caveman,
you was my cavelady ♪
1156
00:59:55,091 --> 00:59:56,652
♪ if we got hot,
we'd start a-rubbing ♪
1157
00:59:56,676 --> 00:59:58,654
♪ if we got hungry,
we'd go clubbing ♪
1158
00:59:58,678 --> 01:00:00,906
♪ there's woolly mammoths,
but I will protect US ♪
1159
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:02,932
♪ you're making me devolve
to a homo erectus ♪
1160
01:00:03,399 --> 01:00:04,376
Yeah, hominid tree.
1161
01:00:04,400 --> 01:00:05,994
♪ And if we met in 1780 ♪
1162
01:00:06,018 --> 01:00:08,547
♪ I was a white southern
aristocratic plantation owner ♪
1163
01:00:08,571 --> 01:00:12,885
♪ and you were my dark-skinned
servant lady slave ♪
1164
01:00:12,909 --> 01:00:15,387
♪ whenever I could get away
from the missus ♪
1165
01:00:15,411 --> 01:00:17,840
♪ I'd go to your shed,
and then I'd steal you kisses ♪
1166
01:00:17,864 --> 01:00:19,007
♪ but let's be serious ♪
1167
01:00:19,031 --> 01:00:20,509
♪ I'd still work you
full-time as a slave ♪
1168
01:00:20,533 --> 01:00:22,511
♪ there's a difference
between romantic language ♪
1169
01:00:22,535 --> 01:00:25,514
♪ and complete disregard
for socio-economic trends ♪
1170
01:00:25,538 --> 01:00:28,600
♪ so if we met in 1941 ♪
1171
01:00:28,624 --> 01:00:31,103
♪ I was a Nazi,
you's a gypsy on the run ♪
1172
01:00:31,127 --> 01:00:32,404
♪ that's a little redundant ♪
1173
01:00:32,428 --> 01:00:33,512
♪ that ♪
1174
01:00:37,466 --> 01:00:39,494
♪ probably wouldn't
have worked out, okay ♪
1175
01:00:39,518 --> 01:00:42,531
♪ yeah, because love
is your favorite food ♪
1176
01:00:42,555 --> 01:00:45,000
♪ for every breakfast,
lunch, and dinner ♪
1177
01:00:45,024 --> 01:00:48,036
♪ and love is the holocaust
if you don't die quick ♪
1178
01:00:48,060 --> 01:00:49,504
♪ and you don't get thinner ♪
1179
01:00:49,528 --> 01:00:51,613
♪ and love is being
the owner of the company ♪
1180
01:00:52,114 --> 01:00:54,676
♪ that makes rape whistles,
and even though ♪
1181
01:00:54,700 --> 01:00:56,178
♪ you started the company
with good intentions ♪
1182
01:00:56,202 --> 01:00:57,679
♪ trying to reduce the rate
of rape ♪
1183
01:00:57,703 --> 01:00:59,131
♪ now you don't want
to reduce it at all ♪
1184
01:00:59,155 --> 01:01:00,682
♪ 'cause if the rape rate
declines, ♪
1185
01:01:00,706 --> 01:01:03,051
♪ you'll see an equal decline
in whistle sales ♪
1186
01:01:03,075 --> 01:01:09,391
♪ yeah, without a rapist
who's gonna buy your whistle? ♪
1187
01:01:09,415 --> 01:01:13,218
♪ Because love is ♪
1188
01:01:13,502 --> 01:01:15,253
♪ love is all about whistles ♪
92440
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