All language subtitles for iCarly.2021.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- They're not gonna laugh
at you.

This time.
Come on.

- [exhales]

Hey, Spence, are we supposed
to be doing something

while you talk to that corner?

- Sorry, I just gotta get
this speech right.

You guys are my last rehearsal
before my dress rehearsal

before my final dress rehearsal
before my opening.

But yeah, help yourself
to the sumptuous feast

I painstakingly prepared.

- You put out old takeout boxes
from last week.

- And you didn't even
put out silverware.

- Okay, before I reveal
the centerpiece

of my upcoming exhibition,

I'd like to recite
a short poem.

- [laughs]
What is this, a TED Talk?

I'm just joking.
I know it's not.

Ted was a friend of the family.

- What is a feeling?
How does one define a rainbow?

If a bamboo breaks--
- [laughs]

Oh, sorry, Spencer. Hold on.

I love this squirrel
getting a manicure meme.

It says so much
without saying anything.

- Mm. I'm saying something.

- I used to find that funny,

but now I follow a number
of squirrel accounts

that found the nail polish
color highly problematic.

- Okay, let's give Spencer
the attention he deserves.

- Thank you.

Harper, would you do me
the honor

of capturing the unveiling

to show my future children,

Banksy and Basquiat?

I'm assuming
they'll be artists,

but if not, they'll be
very cool accountants.

May I present...
"Soliloquies In Time."

- Ugh.

[camera shutter clicks]

- This needs to be
in the Guggenheim.

- But not in the bathroom
this time!

Fool me once.

- No, not your sculpture.

This pic I just took of Carly

spitting out your nasty
leftover meatballs.

[laughs]
You have to post this.

I'm PearDropping it now.

[phone dings]

- [laughing]
Oh, my God.

How should I caption it?

"When your leftovers
should have just been left."

You guys get it?

'Cause, like, left and left.

- At least you're pretty.

- * I know you see

* Somehow the world
will change for me *

[together]
* And be so wonderful

- * So wake up the members
of my nation *

[together]
* It's your time to be

- * There's no chance
unless you take one *

* And the time to see
the brighter side *

* Of every situation

* Some things
are meant to be *

* So give me your best
and leave the rest to me *

- Did you know
that Manicure Squirrel

does nail art tutorials now?

I know I'm supposed
to be editing,

but want to watch
every single one of them?

- That squirrel's
an anti-vaxxer.

- Damn it.

- Carly, you're number one!

- And Harper, you're great too!
- Yes.

But the photo that you posted,
you're number one on IMemeDb!

- [screams]
Screw you,

baby confused by Pop Rocks!

- [laughs]

Ooh, that baby gonna be mad!
- Ay!

- Interesting.

- Carly, you need to capitalize
on this moment.

Re-share some of the funniest
meatball face memes.

You'll drive a ton of traffic
to your channel.

- But do I want to use this
to drive traffic?

It's not my favorite look.

- Doesn't matter!

All publicity
is good publicity.

'Cause when people like
your face, they'll be all like,

"How can I see
more of that face?"

And that's where
the merch comes in.

- Wait, merch? I don't know.

I just relaunched,
and it still feels new.

Like a fawn
trying its little legs out.

Maybe I should just wait a beat
and see how things shake out.

- You don't have a beat, Bambi.
You're hot now.

Tomorrow, someone's gonna eat
a moldy cannoli and go like--

And then you'll be
the next baby with Pop Rocks.

- Harper's right.

Strike while the meatball
is rancid.

- Okay. Yeah.

This is a good opportunity.

Harper, can we do keychains?

- We can try.

My keychain guy hasn't been
getting back to me.

- Grandma B. says

your oatmeal got cold,
and somehow it's my fault.

- Oh, she's not blaming me.

- Millicent, Carly's number one
on IMemeDb.

- Too bad Carly's reign
will be short-lived.

And then she'll come to regret
ever having had a face at all.

- What is there to regret?

It's a photo of Carly
spitting out a meatball.

- Precisely!

In a few years,
we could all be vegans.

Or not be allowed to spit

because of
a worldwide pandemic.

- [laughs]

- Don't worry about things
that will never happen.

- Ooh, 26 pizzerias
just followed me.

Hello, free garlic knots.
- Oh!

- How can you not see
that this meatball

is a ticking time bomb?

I'm gonna check your timeline
for more offensive content.

- Aww, that's cute.
You're protecting Carly.

- No! I want to cancel Carly.

- Right, yeah,
that makes more sense.

- Freddie?
- Yeah?

- You wanna dad it up?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, there's nothing I can do
to stop you, right?

- Nothing.
- All righty, have fun.

- Interesting.

[upbeat music]

[both laughing]

- The memes you're sharing
have ruined my life!

- Did they take
your millions of dollars

and the food from your fridge
and the clothes off your back?

- Worse.
They've taken my dignity.

Listen.

"When your man calls me."

"When he says
he has five roommates."

"when you realize
cartoon characters can be hot."

- Ooh, that's so true though.
[both laugh]

- You guys, it's not funny.

People think you're making
that face about my art.

- What? No.

You can see
the disgusting meatball

right there in my hand.

If anything,
I'm highlighting your art.

Look at this article
on QuackFeed.

Okay, "Don't hate me,

"but the artwork in the back
of the Meatball Face meme

is actually kinda good."

- That's the best
you could find?

Kinda good?

With a question mark?

Carly,
my opening is this weekend,

and all people
are talking about

are my leftovers and your face.

- Okay, yeah. I hear you.

But I just restarted "iCarly"

and these memes are
really helping my channel.

What do you want me to do?

- The least you could do
is apologize.

- But I didn't
do anything wrong.

- [high-pitched]
Didn't you?

- Fine.

I'm sorry if your feelings
are hurt.

I didn't realize
you were so sensitive.

- What kind of fauxpology
was that?

- Fauxpology? Love!

That is a perfect caption
for Meatball Face.

- Totally!
"When you hear a fauxpology."

Wait, how do you spell that?

- Oh, you spell it
R-U-kidding me?

[doorbell rings]

- Spencer, you know
how cutthroat it is out here.

All these new platforms

and influencers getting
younger and younger.

It's like Harper always says.

"You gotta switch it up
on a bitch!"

I'll never say that again.

- It was cute though.
You tried.

- Tomorrow, I could be beaten
by a moldy cannoli.

Pop Rocks baby
is already in rehab.

- All right. I get it.

Just don't add
any more fuel to the fire.

- Ba-bam!

Who wants
a Carly meatball face T-shirt?

- Oh, my God,
these are adorable.

- I know!

- Is it gauche
to wear your own face?

- No, your face is--

- Seriously?

- Spencer, it's like
I told Carly.

There's no such thing
as bad publicity!

This meme is good
for all of us.

You're getting your name
out there.

I learned that my keychain guy

isn't ghosting me,
he's just dead.

- Plus, feel the material.

- Oh wow, that is soft.

Fine.

I'll wear it to bed,
and only that.

*

- Millicent,
you can come back now.

My mom is no longer
using up all our bandwidth

video-chatting with her
Christian Book Club.

- Good, because I was
just finishing

my timeline audit, on you.

- What?

I thought you were
doing an audit on Carly.

- I was,
but all I found were posts

supporting puppy
and cat adoption centers.

She's a saint.

You, on the other hand.
Cyberbullying.

- Cyberbullying? Against who?

- Against me.

Eight years ago at 3:47 p.m.,
you wrote, and I quote,

"I never, ever, ever, ever,
ever want kids.

Ever!"

- I was joking!

- Then you said,

"If you think I'm joking,
I am not!"

- Okay, wow.

I know that sounds bad,
but this was from so long ago,

I was probably wearing Crocs
when I wrote it.

- Why?
Did you use to be a nurse?

- No, I just like a shoe

that's easy to clean
and comes in fun, bold colors.

Millicent, I'm sorry.

Tell me
how I can make this right.

- A six-pack
of Red Lamb energy drink.

- Red Lamb?
That's just caffeine and sugar.

- And red food dye number five.
That's what makes it delicious.

- You can't drink that.
It's not good for kids.

- Emotional trauma isn't good
for kids either, and yet...

- Regular or Banana Blast?

*

- Oh, my God!

Spencer Shay. I'm such a fan.

- Oh, that's so sweet!

It's nice to be recognized
for one's work.

- You're meatball brother.
- Uh-huh. Also that.

- I'm Willow.

I run a super popular
food art Insta

called "You Aren't
What You Eat.

Just Kidding, You Are."
[laughs]

- Wow, food art?

So, like, thought-provoking
sculptures using food or--

- No, I take pictures
of what I eat for lunch.

I've had six shows
at this gallery.

- Oh, I've got a show here too.
Just the one.

- Oh, you're an artist too?

Cute.

Wait. Let me just--

- Oh.
- Say, "meatball!"

- Ahh, no!

Ahh!

I am not gonna cry.

You know what? I'm gonna cry.

- Sorry.

- Oh, are you? Are you sorry?

Well, I'm sorry!

Sorry I live in a culture
that's so obsessed with memes

and likes and fake art
and fake apologies and--

oh.

I've got an idea.

I am reborn!

- Yeah.
I have that effect on people.

- Millicent, check it out.

Carly meatball face T-shirts.

- They're $40.
But for you, $39.99.

- I'd rather wear a shirt
made out of human hair.

Besides, I don't need
your flimsy discount.

I'm about to be Beyoncé rich
with my new business.

- What did I tell you about
taking Bey's name in vain?

- Oh, it's not in vain.

Since finding
Freddie's old posts

turned out to be profitable,

I realized that there's a hole
in the market.

Any Gen Z kid can tell you
what's offensive now,

but only Millicent can predict
what will offend next.

I am the Offensive Oracle.

- Oh, this card stock is legit.
- Mm-hmm.

Want me to scrub
your social media

for a friends and family rate
of $500?

- I'd rather wear a shirt made
out of human hair.

- And you can make one
with all you shed.

- [laughs]
[coughs]

- I even wrote a jingle
for my Super Bowl commercial.

* Remember that we all post

* From our own place
of privilege *

* Just take into account

* We all have
disparate opinions *

* So if you're feeling worried
you might be problematic *

* Just call up
your friend Millicent *

* Or go read a book

* It's not my job
to educate you *

* Unless you pay me money

- No one's gonna
remember that song.

- But the world will remember
what you did to Spencer.

Unless you purchase
my "Meme Sweep" package.

It's where I get
Republican Senators over 70

to use your meme
so no one else wants to.

- Now, hold on.

We are not sweeping any memes

until these tees are sold out.

Which reminds me, I need to do
some Instagram Live promo.

What's popping,
fashionistas, fashionistos,

and fashionistxs?

I just got a new shipment
of meatball tees

in every size, color,
under the rainbow.

Oh, hey, Ray-Ray!

- That's actually a great idea!

I can do a livestream
of Spencer's show.

That way,
people's focus will be off

my admittedly hilarious
meme face

and right back
on Spencer's art,

where it belongs.

I wish I was my sister.

- Hi, Millicent.

I know
you're still upset with me,

but I think
this will do the trick.

It's a USA Bae Doll!

I even found one
with your name!

She's from the...
British colonial era.

Nothing problematic about that.

- Ooh, thanks!

This totally erases the trauma
you inflicted on me.

With more trauma.

- Millicent, it's just
an old post.

- Oh, my gosh,
you didn't even get me

the scarlet fever add-on pack!

- Well, I--

- Wow.

I always wanted
one of these as a kid.

And now that I'm holding it...

I finally have one.

[upbeat music]

*

- Yes, you look good, girl!
Tell your friends.

All of 'em.

- Harper, what are you
doing here?

- Oh, Spencer asked me to come.
At first I was like, "Why?"

But then immediately,
I was like, "I don't care."

- Maybe we can finally put this
whole meme thing behind us.

- Uh-huh. Maybe.

- Hi, friends!

I'm coming to you
live from the grand opening

of my brother Spencer's
newest art show!

- And these shirts are made
with 100% recyclable materials,

so be bad,
buy that premium gas.

- Before I go in,
I just want to say,

most of the meatball face memes
you've been making are amazing.

Some of them,
a little offensive.

Three of you need therapy.

But Spencer isn't
just the meme guy.

He's a really talented artist.

And this night is
all about Spencer

and has nothing
to do with me or--

my face!

- Okay, well, he's on board
with the meme.

In a really big way.

"The Museum of Influence."

So this is different
than I expected.

Oh, look, a slideshow.

@JacquenessMonster.

"I'd rather be constipated
for a month

than read your blog."

[laughs nervously]
Love that he's amplifying that.

What do we have here?

- Like, like, like!

Does this make your empty soul
feel better?

- A hateful like button.
[laughs]

Deep?

Oh, look, lattes. This is cute.

And the foam says...

"Is this art?"

I bet the answer is yes!
[chuckles]

We got a lot of comments
coming in.

Most of you don't seem
to be loving it,

but why don't we talk
to some true art aficionados

and get a more nuanced take.

Hey, I'm Carly Shay
of "iCarly."

- I'm Willow,
of this impermanent Earth.

- You seem to really be
enjoying this show.

Would you want to be
on my Insta Live review?

- Sure. I'm really charismatic.

- [laughs]
Okay.

So tell me your thoughts on--

- "A Single Pringle"
is the opposite of art.

Everyone knows that real art
is putting two Pringles

in your mouth
facing opposite directions

so you look like
a potato chip duck.

I, for one hand,
am personally offended.

- That's one way to look at it,
but don't you think

you're taking this
a little too personally?

- Oh, so I'm guessing
you haven't seen that, then?

- [distorted]
This is still "iCarly,"

but it's grown up now,

so today I thought I'd share
my skincare routine.

- What is this hell?

- My review?

If you want to see a show
all about hating the internet--

- And me, come on down
to the "Museum of Influence."

- Listen, Carly,
us influencers,

we have to stick together.

I'll go find more people
to be mad with us.

- Hello, sister.

Or should I say...nemesister?

- Spencer, what is this place?
It's really mean.

To me, and to lattes.

- Mission accomplished.
- Seriously. People are pissed.

I just talked
to this girl, Willow,

and she said this entire place
is really offensive.

God, she doesn't
even understand

that you're mocking her
and her profile pics.

- Mission accomplished,
the sequel!

- You know,
the internet has the power

to bring people together.

But to you, I guess everything
online is just some big joke.

Maybe I've never made
a fancy sculpture

or painted a flower

or put a Pringle on a pedestal,
but my content still has value.

And you know what?

Likes do make
my empty soul feel better!

But that's just because
it's been scientifically proven

to release dopamine!

- Hey, Millicent.
Did I miss anything?

- Just my sales spike.

This exhibit is just a reminder
for people to be more careful

about what they post online.
- Hmm.

- Anyway, I'm sad.
What's in the bag?

- Well, I thought since you're
starting a new business,

I'd buy you...a new keyboard.

- Wow! Thanks, Freddie.
- Yeah.

So this place is what,

just skewering things
on the internet?

Ooh, where's the part where
they make fun of JavaScript?

@NotMilllicent123.

"Manipulating parents
is so easy.

Check out my new keys."

Seriously?

- [laughs]

It says NotMillicent123,
so obviously it's not me.

- Millicent.

- Ugh, fine. It's me.

Millicent. 123.

- So, you're not
actually traumatized?

- No, I just took advantage
of your insecurities

about being a new parent
to get some cool stuff.

- Mm.
- Thanks for the keyboard.

- Yeah, bah, bah. Uh-uh.

Was there an apology in there?
- Come on!

An admission of guilt
isn't enough?

- Not in 2021.

Who do you think you are,
a high-profile male celebrity?

You pretended to be hurt
so that I would buy you stuff.

It's my keyboard now.

- You're right.

Thank you for teaching me
a moral lesson.

It's better than any gift
you could have ever gotten me.

- You're welcome, Millicent.

You know what? Here.

Take the keyboard.

- You're so easy.
[laughs]

- Yo!

Thousands of people saw
that Live,

and they're coming here, like,
to actually protest!

- Well, I'm glad the world is
finally gonna take my side.

- Oh, no, they're coming
to protest you.

Carly, you are so radical!

You started a whole-ass riot.

It's yet to be seen
what this will do for sales,

but I'll keep y'all posted.

- Oh, crap.

Gamers are putting
down their controllers,

foodies are sharpening
their knives,

and ASMR stans are coming here
to yell at you, quietly.

- [whispering]
Screw you, loser.

- After witnessing
Carly Shay's livestream,

I encourage all other members

of the Coalition
of Latte Artists

to cancel Spencer Shay!

His art is like expired milk.

- Everybody listen up.

My name is Willow,

and as an influencer
who influences the influential,

I am appalled
by this sham of a museum.

- It's a revolution!
[all cheering]

- Spencer sucks.
- Spencer sucks.

- Yeah, get him!
[all shouting]

- Hey, hey, thank you all
for coming.

- Boo!
all: Boo!

- Hey, look, I just want
everyone to know

I didn't mean
to offend you all.

I only meant to offend
my sister, Carly Shay.

There she is! She sucks!

- Just apologize
to these people.

- [whispering]
We demand an apology.

- I can barely hear
whoever said that.

Look, Spencer, it's okay
to apologize for something

that you didn't
necessarily mean to--

Oh.

Spencer, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have ignored
your feelings.

I real apologize.

- Hey, Carly, I'm sorry

that I retooled
my entire art exhibit

to critique the internet
and take you down.

Come here.

Oh, but you've got to admit,
that small black room

where you can scream
into the void is pretty sweet.

[screaming]

- Yeah, we're still mad.

all: Yeah!
- What, seriously?

[all shouting]

- I sold out, baby!

[laughs]

- Harper, a little help here?
- Oh, on it.

Look, over there!

Someone's sharing
their negative opinion

about a TV show
you liked as a child!

- Let's get 'em.
all: Yeah!

- Get them! Let's get that guy!

[all shouting]

- You're welcome.

[upbeat music]

*

- * Remember that we all post

* From our own place
of privilege *

both:
* Just take into account

* We all have
disparate opinions *

trio: * So if you're
feeling worried *

* You might be problematic

all: * Just call up
your friend Millicent *

* Or go read a book

- * It's not my job
to educate you *

* Unless you pay me money

- Whoo!
- Mm-hmm,

- Yes!
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God,
I'm gonna win a Grammy!