All language subtitles for United.States.of.Al.S01E12.WEBRip.x264-ION10

COMMENTATOR: So far,
it's been a very tight game.

You'll never believe
what Dad did.

Do we have
to establish an alibi?

So, we were out
riding bikes,

and this dog runs out
into the middle

of the street, and all
these cars were gonna hit it,

and it was so scared,
and then Dad runs out there

and scoops him up
in his jacket.

They almost got hit by a truck.

Brave and stupid.
Sounds like my brother.

Look what we found.

Get that out of here!

Are you scared?

Are you dumb?

I forgot to tell you, Afghans
don't really keep dogs as pets.

Okay, but Uncle Al,
this is a nice dog.

Mm-mmm. Mm, dogs
are not nice.

They are wild animals
who travel in packs

and terrorize the streets
at night.

Come on.
Just give him a little pet.

No, thank you.
I like having hands.

Al, relax.
This is a sweet little dog.

Fine. I will pet it outside.

All right. Come on.

That was close.

[sighs]

♪

♪ Oh!

What happened to you?

Hazel and I were
giving the dog a bath.

In the house?

Yeah, in the kitchen sink.

In the sink?!

We wash our dishes

in that sink.

From now on,
each bite of food you take, dog.

Each sip of water you take, dog.

Calm down. It's not
a permanent thing.

All right, Lizzie's making
some signs for us to put up.

We'll find his owner.

Or we can take him out
to the woods

and let him be the master
of his own destiny.

Isn't that the American way?

I can't do that.
Hazel loves him.

I understand,

but I'm sure she could
love a different animal.

How about a bird?

A bird?Birds are great.

They fly, they sing,

and if you get tired of them,
you can eat them.

We're not getting a bird.

Okay, how about a rabbit?

They're cute and furry,
and if it doesn't work out,

also very tasty.

[muffled groan]

Target, one o'clock.On it.

I think we should name
the dog Chesty

after Lieutenant General
Chesty Puller.

Chesty. That used to be
my nickname for your mom.

[laughs] Really?

Uh, probably shouldn't
have told you that.

What if we call him Sergeant?

I like that. Then he
wouldn't outrank me.

Do you think we could
teach him to salute?

Oh, don't get
ahead of yourself.

There's probably a family
out there looking for Sarge.

You called him Sarge.

Probably shouldn't have
done that, either.

Oh.

Am I a bad person because
I don't want them to find him?

No, but we still
have to try.

Do you remember a
Marine's first core value?

Ugh. Honor.That's right.

Honor guides...

BOTH:
Marines to exemplify
the ultimate

in ethical and moral behavior.

Exactly. So we're gonna
hang up all these signs

and whatever
happens, happens.

Okay.Okay.

11 o'clock, fence.

We're out of staples.

Okay, well, that happens.
Let's go home. [clears throat]

Come on. Get it,
Sarge. Get it, Sarge.

Hey. [laughs]

Your mom just pulled up
with the homework you forgot.

Aw, nuts.

Hey, could we
build a house for him?

Well, he's a sergeant.
Shouldn't he live in barracks?

Oh, perfect!

Nice try.

Whose dog is that?

It's our dog.
We found him.

His name is Sarge, and
we're gonna build him barracks.

Oh.
Well, that's just great.

Um, can I talk to you
for a minute?

You can.

Do you have to?

What are you doing?

Same thing I always do with
you-- waiting to be yelled at.

That dog has to belong
to somebody,

and when they show up for him,
she's gonna be devastated.

Nobody wants this dog.
All right? He's got no tags,

and we put up signs so if
they were looking for him,

they'd have called by now.Okay.

I just wish you wouldn't
jump into stuff

without thinking it through.

Hey, I saved that dog's life.

You're yelling at a hero.

I'm yelling at an idiot.

Oh, yeah?
Go in there and ask Hazel

which one of us
she likes best right now.

The dad who got her a dog
or the mom who got her homework?

Go on, Chesty.
I'll wait here.

Can we add one more
thing to the doghouse?

Got to stop you
right there.

First rule of contracting:
once construction has begun,

no additional changes
can be made.

That's the source
of all your cost overruns.

So what's your idea?

A webcam so I can
watch him sleep.

Oh, great. Now I got
to run power to this thing?

You weren't planning to?

All right, I'm checking out.

I got to take a shower
for my date.

Ooh, that's setting
a dangerous precedent.

I like this woman.
I want to smell good.

[sighs]
I don't want this.

Stop bringing it to me.

[scoffs]

Playing fetch?

No. I am trying to get rid

of this disgusting wet ball,
and he keeps bringing it back.

That's fetch.

Okay. What is it called
when you throw the ball

and he doesn't come back?
I'd like to play that game.

You're trying so
hard to be grumpy,

but how can you resist
his cute little face?

Oh! I hope you're happy.

No one will marry you now.

You promise?

It starts with licks,

but once it gets a taste,
it will bite your face off.

Then you'll be the girl
at school with no face.

Only 20 people a year die
from dog bites.

A hundred die from coconuts
falling out of trees.

How do you know this?Google, dude.

Well, I think it's repulsive

you let a filthy animal
lick your face.

A dog's tongue is cleaner
than a human's.

Oh, yeah?Mm-hmm.

Look where
its clean tongue is now.

I'm gonna go wash my face.

You're not making it
any cleaner.

Ooh!

I hope you like brie.

Mm, it's hot cheese.
What's not to like?

[couch squeaks]

That wasn't me.

I know. It's the leather.

Oh.
It's a real nice couch.

It's awful. I hate it.

And I hate it, too.

My ex picked it out.

He thought it was funny
that it made fart noises.

Well, not to brag,
but none of my furniture farts.

[laughs softly]

Was that his, too?

Nope, that's my grandma's.

You're kidding.Mm-mmm.

One shot, 150 yards.

We had venison hamburgers
for, like, two years.

[chuckles]
How about that.

Any left?

[laughs softly]

Man, that is one happy kid.

Of course she's happy.

She's a child.
She doesn't know anything.

Hey, do me a favor. Will you
stick your lower lip out?

Why?That's how we pout in America.

I'm not pouting.

I'm just concerned about
everyone's health and safety.

Well, there's nothing
to be concerned about.

How do you know the dog is not
carrying some kind of disease?

We gave it a bath.
[clears throat]

Okay, so if I brought
home a raccoon,

I could keep it as
long as it had a bath?

[sighs]
Yeah, I'd consider it.

Look, I wish
you'd just take a moment

to appreciate
how great this is for Hazel.

Don't pretend this
is about Hazel.

This is about you trying
to make her mother look bad.

Yeah, and it's working.
Like, surprisingly well.

I'm glad you're so pleased with
yourself, but you know me.

This creature and I cannot live
under the same roof.

So, you are going
to have to choose.

It's either him or me.

Why aren't you saying anything?

I'm just trying to figure out
where else you could live.

Thank you so much.

Come on in.
I'll open a bottle of wine.

I don't drink.

I know.

I am also very concerned
that if it bites Hazel

and she doesn't
get the shots,

a small dog the size of an ant
will grow inside her stomach.

Right behind her belly button.

How am I just learning
about this?

He's not serious.

I am very serious. My mother
told me this when I was child.

His mother told him this
when he was a child.

[scoffs]Look,

this is just typical Riley.

He thinks
he can do what he wants

and saying sorry
will fix everything.

That's what he tried
to do with me.

I think saying sorry
shows great strength

'cause you're not afraid
to be vulnerable.

Not now.Sorry.

It's 'cause Riley thinks
he's always right.

Boy, does he. Did you ever
try to fold his T-shirts?

Yeah, once. I folded them
right side to left side,

which, apparently,
is against regulations.

He had me taken off
laundry detail.

I said, "Excuse me.
I am trying to do you a favor."

Yeah, and then he'll say,
"It's not a favor

if you do it wrong."If you do it wrong.

[scoffs]

I just got chills.

And you know,
there's an even bigger pothole

on the corner
where the IHOP is.

Every time I drive
over it, I'm like,

"when the hell are they gonna
fix this thing?" [laughs]

Got half a mind
to show up there

with a truck full of sand
and fill it myself.

That'd show 'em.

Well, it's a temporary solution.

Ultimately, there was probably
an underlying drainage issue

and, oh, my God,
why am I talking about potholes?

[laughs]

I didn't want to ask.

S... I'm so sorry.

I haven't been on a date
in probably 30 years.

You're doing great.

Thanks.Mm.

[couch squeaks]Not me.

No, it's the damn couch.

[couch squeaks]Oh.

I wish I could just dump
it on my ex's front lawn.

Well, I got a truck out front.
We can do that.

Could you imagine?

Hang on.
Oh, yeah.

Let's do it.

Why did I think
dating is hard?

This is terrific!

How's it going?

Awesome. Even though everybody's
mad at me for being a great dad.

It must be so
hard to be you.

Hey, Vanessa just
doesn't get it.

I basically missed out on
six years of Hazel growing up.

I'm just making up
for lost time.

This is where you're supposed
to agree with me.

I really want to.

But?

Those six years were
not easy for Vanessa.

Being a single mom
was really tough.Oh, come on.

Hazel was the cutest,
happiest baby ever.

I mean, all the videos I got,

she was always
laughing and cooing.

Those were curated,
you ding-dong.

What?

They were baby
recruitment videos.

Nobody sends
screaming baby videos

to their husbands overseas,
because they'd never come home.

[sighs]

I never really thought about it.

Well, start thinking.

Vanessa worked
12 hours a day,

picked the baby up from
her mom's, got her to bed,

then put makeup on
before she went to sleep

just in case you Skyped her
in the middle of the night.

Well, she didn't
have to do that.

Of course she didn't.
She wanted to.

Look, she'll never know
what you went through,

and you'll never know
what she went through.

But when it comes to Hazel,
you should listen to her.

She put in the time.

I am right about the dog,
though.

Sure.

That's all I wanted to hear.Yeah.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

I know. It's awesome.This is good, right here.

Yeah, ease it down.Yeah, I'll put it down.

[laughs]

[couch squeaks]Ah!

[couch squeaks]

[couch squeaking]

[laughs quietly]Ah.

[laughs]

Thank you, Art.

This is really fun.

Yeah, it's been fun.

Ah. I'm kicking myself
we didn't stop

for eggs and toilet paper.

[both laugh]

[sighs]

He's home. Run!

Aah! [mutters]

Morning.

Good morning.

Something smells good.

Yes, it is
my heartfelt gratitude

in the form of coffee
and breakfast. Please.

You didn't have
to do that.Oh, yes, I did.

I believe it's important
to contribute in the home

whether I stay one night
or seven nights

or however long dogs live.[laughs]

Al, I think you might be
overreacting about that dog.

Whoa. He can tell us
we're overreacting,

but I don't think it's cool
for us to say that to him.

New world, Babe.
#MeToo.

I don't think
I'm overreacting at all.

That dog has his own home.
I live in a garage.

Awalmir.
Did I say that right?

Yes.Good, I practiced.

Awalmir,

you're our honored guest.Hmm.

And I respect
your point of view, but

maybe in this matter
you're... not right.

Are you saying I'm wrong?

Those are your words.

Uh, what I'm trying to say is

that dog might be
really good for Hazel.

Why?Well,

to answer that,
I have to tell a story.

Ugh.

When I was a little boy,
I didn't have many friends.

If it wasn't for my dog,
I would have been very lonely.

Uh, Hazel's not lonely.

At one time or another,
all kids are lonely.

I wasn't.
But, then again,

I did share a bedroom
with four cousins.

Hazel doesn't show it,

but our breakup
was really tough on her.

It's one of the reasons
she's hard on Riley.

Why are you saying that?

That's a great question.

I'm gonna do some thinking.

Look, just 'cause I tell
you something about Riley

doesn't mean you can just go
blab it to his best friend.

Well, I was trying
to build bridges, babe.

Hey, don't call me babe.
It's so condescending.

Sorry.[scoffs]

Low blood sugar.[fork clinks loudly on plate]

You know what? I think
it's time for you to go home.

It feels like
you're looking at me.

Sit.

Good boy.[door opens]

Good boy. Good
Sarge. Good Sarge.

I'm back.

You left?

So, Hazel, how is it going
with your Sergeant?

Great.
He slept in my bed last night.

Well, isn't that revolting.

Maybe you'd like him more
if you gave him a little pet.

Fine.

Hold him in case he goes crazy.

That's good. Now say
something to him.

I would rather not.

Come on.
You can do it.

[speaking Pashto]

He doesn't speak Pashto.

He doesn't speak English.

What's happening here?

I'm touching a dog on purpose.
How's your day going?

Can you give me
and Hazel a minute?

Of course.

Oh, that is not good.

What's up?

We just got a call about Sarge.

Yeah.

Are you sure it's their dog?

Yeah, I'm sure.

And they got a
little boy your age

who's been crying
for two days.

That sucks.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Mom told me this might happen.

Maybe we should have
listened to her.

[sniffles]

It's not fair.

Oh, I know.

I'll make it up to you,
okay? I promise.

[sniffles]

How?

[sighs heavily]

You like birds?

Not really.

Do you think we could
still finish the doghouse?

Maybe Sarge's family
will take it.

That's a great idea.

He's a good boy.

Yeah, also, he's a she.

Don't know how we
missed that one.

Okay... go.

Hi, Riley. [laughs]

Hazel and I miss you.

We're so proud of you.

Oh, okay. She's definitely
peeing on me right now.

Hey, Riley. [laughs]

[Hazel cries]

Everything's great here.

Your girls really miss you.

Okay, that sucks.
Can you stop the camera?

[Hazel cries]You stop, too, please.

Now say, "hi" to Daddy.

[Vanessa laughs][Hazel coos]

LIZZIE:
Oh, she spit up
all down your back.

Will you take her?No way.

Lizzie!

LIZZIE:
Aw.

Look at your two
sleeping beauties.

They're resting up
until you come home.

Did you get it?

Yeah.

Okay, just send that one.
Delete the others.

[laughs]Never.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org