Original subtitles

We gotta get the fuck outta here.

[panting]

Come on, dude!

We gotta keep going.

I can't.

Just... just go on without me.

No way, man.

We fucking killed Santa!

I'm not leaving you behind.

[***]

[***]

I'm Cocoa Scarborough,

and we're live on the scene here at the toy factory.

The siege has been raging through the night,

but the gate has yet to be breached.

I, too, have been raging through the night,

but unlike the gates, I have been breached.

A lot.

Anyway.

What the fuck are you doing here, Jack?

Hmm, let's see.

I don't know,

a little thing called saving Christmas.

Duh.

Sir Blackjack,

the halls have been decked.

This is what you did when I said have fun?

I mean, why didn't you just jerk off the narwhal?

It's a fucking swimming unicorn.

You're not gonna jerk that thing off?

You've got dried semen on your face.

That's face paint, Jack.

Oh, no, your right. It is elf cum.

[Jack] Three...

two...

one...

Merry Christmas!

[boom!]

Come on, Chilly, this better work.

This isn't my first brown-star revival.

Trust me...

it will.

[pop!]

Ooh! Yeah, baby! The comeback kid is back!

Oh, thank God.

Chilly, you're a genius.

Kind of. Come on, let's go!

Wait, Gretch? What are you doing here?

Hold on.

Am I in heaven?

Because my asshole feels like I am.

Chilly found you face down in an alley.

Really?

I love you, Chilly.

I love you so goddamn much it hurts.

Well, I love you, too.

Cuckoo-bird is here now.

It's gonna be fine.

Nick, we've got work to do,

but first, I need to tell you something.

I betrayed you.

You go rogue, man,

you don't seem to listen,

and you act unilaterally all the time,

so I teamed up with Jack to murder your spirit--

but true Christmas spirit never says die...

and that's what you have.

I'm so sorry, Nick.

And I forgive you immediately.

Hey, Gretch,

for old time's sake,

you wanna do a brown-star revival, too?

Chilly.

Straw up.

[Jack] Coal mine. Coal mine. Coal mine.

Coal mine.

Your throne awaits.

You mean this chair?

Fuck, I mean throne!

This throne?

It's taken.

How the fuck did you get in here?

I told you, boy.

The reindeer fly with me.

[crashing]

[Dasher] I'm fine!

Right now the naughty elves

are being banished to the Coal Mines.

You have two options--

resign

or be shot in the streets!

What? With super soakers, dude?

Obviously, you've never heard of raging waters.

Bitch, I worked at Busch Gardens.

I will cut you.

Christmas is supposed to be about coming together,

and what happened here tonight is not merry.

I don't know.

Coups are pretty coo if you ask me.

And this was a good one.

This was a coo coup.

I'll give you that.

I mean, if we're being honest, it was a 6 out of 10 at best.

Oh, please.

It was the coup of the year.

We made it all the way to the office!

That's at least an 8!

You have a key to the factory.

Okay, fine.

Let's just call it a 7.

See?

Compromise!

We're getting there!

A wise friend once told me

it sucks when people act unilaterally,

so we should do the opposite of that.

We should do...

democracy.

Like an election?

Oh, my God, that's genius.

[Ebba] Blackjack, sir?

Ebba, what the fuck?

This would take my 7 out of 10 coup

and turn it into a 10 out of 10 king-slay.

Fo sho.

Twist the knife, Blackjack.

Negotiate for more.

I'll play your little game,

but if I win...

I get to banish you from the North Pole...

forever.

Son, you have a deal.

Hey, Nick... [whistles]

[whispers] I just helped Jack

build a very strong coalition against you.

So we'll unbuild it.

Or we won't.

Whatever happens is fine.

As long as Jack's happy.

You have a deal.

But can we just talk for a second?

That's a hard pass.

And, Dad, remember,

this election season,

you better watch out,

you better

not

cry.

[static crackles]

[Jack] Chaos.

Drugs.

X-rated pornography.

This isn't the world our children should grow up in.

Is it, Mattrick?

No siree, Blackjack.

Terror.

Vote for me

and I will protect your children.

I will get you back to work.

I, and I alone, can end this naughty war.

[Gretchen] Nick, as you know,

candy's the second largest business in the North Pole,

and when it comes to votes,

no one sweetens the pot like Lord Cane.

I'm the most bi-polar guy around.

With a sugar addiction

that shoulda put me in the ground.

Pixie sticks, sugar plums--

anything I can fit in me mouth.

Go to sleep on the North Pole,

and wake up on the South.

But, Gretchen,

what's your excuse

for all this political flip-flopping?

You don't have unpredictable mood swings

from excessive gum dropping.

Oh shut the fuck up, Candy Mane.

I know you embezzled 15,000 pounds of laffy taffy

for that little sugar addiction of yours.

So, give us the votes,

and get the fuck out of this office.

Good golly, you're a hot tamale!

I shall help you take this town back.

And Candy Crush the spirit of your little boy Jack!

Maybe not crush.

You know, more like an incredibly close,

you know, one gets the popular vote,

and one gets the win kinda situation?

Sure, whatever you say, man.

Now, are we gonna hit some rails or not?

Gurl, I'm flipping these fucknuggets

like flapjacks.

Oh, this canvassing is making me so hot.

Let's go back to my place and I'm gonna smash you.

[wheels screeching]

[Jerry] Goddamn, I love democracy!

And in summary,

despite some shortcomings,

I do think that Krampus is a very fine person.

Wow! I haven't seen questions dodged that hard

since Mel Gibson did a Q and A at a synagogue.

Nick, your turn to answer the same question.

Do you like WiFi?

Yeah, sure, it's--

it's WiFi, man, it's great.

It's very helpful.

Could you hold on a second, Cocoa?

Why haven't you called me back?

Dad, not now.

We're in a debate!

I'm not here to debate you.

Came to the debate to not debate.

Uh-huh.

Just like you show up at a circle jerk to watch.

Jack, I want you to know something.

I love you.

And we're gonna be okay,

no matter what.

Look, I'm sorry if you feel left behind.

Or shut out.

Or if you just want to fuck off and have fun.

But you're a vital part

of the ecosystem we call the North Pole.

And you're just 18,

and your pain is real.

But divisiveness is not the answer--

especially among us--

the Clauses.

So, win or lose,

I'm here for you.

As a Dad,

a resource,

or even if you just wanna do a duet

of "Buy You A Drank".

No. This is just a tactic.

Don't believe anything he says.

It's not a tactic.

I just wanted you to know that.

And to the rest of you...

good tidings might be low,

and cheer might be hard to find,

but Christmas Spirit never says die.

Remember that.

Should be a good election.

As they all are.

Wow.

I mean, I've never really been a Nick guy, but...

I'm feeling the wind beneath my wings right now,

I'll tell you that much.

If you don't want the North Pole to burn down,

remember,

terror, fear--

Blackjack!

[static crackles]

[***]

Well, the election is upon us,

and for the first time in years,

I didn't wake up

with a dark, motherless void hanging over me.

I also did a wake and bake, but with crack!

Early polls show that Nick is in the lead.

I wonder what it's like to crush your own son.

[chuckles]

Top of the morning, Dad!

What'dya think?

Oh, my god, you did it!

An exact replica of the White House

from Independence Day!

Bet you'll never guess the jelly.

[whispers] It's mint. For the dead aliens.

Today-day-day,

we celebrate-brate

our Independence Day-day-day!

[Facetime rings]

Your speech blew up the Internet!

The election's here

and Christmas Spirit Never Says Die is trending!

Holy shit, dude.

They're doing an election on the North Pole,

and Santa's...

alive!

Dude, we didn't murder Santa Claus!

Fuck yes! Ha-hah-hah-hah!

We're not fugitives!

Should we...

go back?

And just be like...

hit and runners?

What...

I don't know...

maybe?

Len, we've been to a world where love knows no bounds.

Where penguins soar

and the tenders are thrice fried.

We've been nice,

and lord knows we've been naughty...

Maybe now it's time to just be Len and Sven.

Sven, I think I'd like that.

Let's go check out some windmills,

my magnificent fucknugget.

[***]

[Ebba] I don't understand

why you didn't invite more people.

Like Terry, he's cool.

Have you seen the fucking exit polls?

We're gonna lose.

Aw, fuck it.

[***]

Ba-bah-bah!

In honor of Nick's upcoming victory,

the North Pole Marching Band.

[***]

I'm proud of you.

First Santa president.

Has an...

okay ring to it.

Hey, do you think Jack is going to be okay?

[***]

People, shut the fuck up!

Shh! Shut up!

Shut up!

I think they're gonna call the winner.

Welcome back to election-night coverage,

here on "Morning Cocoa".

I'm Cocoa Scarborough,

and I've just been handed this piece of paper

telling me who has won the election.

Haven't read it yet,

but I am going to read it now,

to tell you that the winner is...

Jack Claus?!

We won?

We won!

Oh, those fucking cunts!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jack Claus?

We're sure about that?

Jesus fucking Christ!

He should have just read my speech.

Yeah, I know we're live. We're a live show.

I'm fucking Cocoa Scarborough.

I know the show.

God, what the hell is wrong with you people?

You know, you really despise naughty kids that much?

What the fuck did they ever do to you?

Shame on you!

Shame-- hold on one--

Agh!

Shame on you!

Shame

on...

[beeping]