Original subtitles

[***]

[snoring]

[***]

[text alerts beeping]

[buzzing]

[snoring]

[gasps]

Yoo-hoo!

Wake up, Mrs. Claus!

It's me.

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

But you can call me Charles Dickens.

What the fuck?

Oh, surprised to see a ghost?

Certainly is a bit of a Crum-a-Grackle for me, too.

But the universe is a crazy place.

I mean, you're in bed with a bi-pedal reindeer.

[snoring]

Tonight, you will be visited by three--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, three ghosts-- past, present, future.

Aren't you supposed to come on Christmas?

You're Mrs. Claus!

Your whole life is about Christmas.

For you...

A Christmas Carol

is, like, Not A Christmas Carol.

Are you sure you're Charles Dickens?

Blimey, do you want my help or not?

Seriously, it's like,

look a gift ghost in the mouth much?

Or should I say...

A gift seahorse...

I'm never taking Ambien again.

[***]

Fuck, really?

This place?

Just behold...

Tonight's the night.

We got $250 bucks in our pockets

and our bus leaves at 10:00.

Fuck Graduation.

By the time they call our names,

we'll be gone.

Forever.

People are gonna be like Jim Montgomery...

Did that guy get kidnapped?

We're gonna be sophisticated

and we're gonna have, like, sushi and wine and DVDs.

And we'll live

in the tallest building in Atlanta.

'Cause you can't see the world in a one-road town.

Every country song says that.

Watch out, Hotlanta.

Fuck this.

[Bill] Of course, you want me to go to a bar.

You want me out of the house,

so you can fuck our next-door neighbor!

So what if I blew Lance?

At least I didn't blow our daughter's college fund

on a dog race.

The dog's name was "College Graduate".

It was a sign!

[objects being thrown]

[Tonya] Get the fuck outta my house!

Oh, a runaway...

May I have some more? May I have some more?

Oh, blow me, you scallywag.

I wish I could, but I can't...

Ghost mouth.

Ooooooo.

[***]

[line ringing]

Uh, hello?

Jim?

Why are you still home?

I, uh--

Gretchen...

my dad, uh...

he said maybe if you didn't distract me all season,

I would've--

Jim, don't listen to your parents.

Please.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Jag's about to start.

[Gretchen] It was a place to dry off,

and I had 250 bucks to blow on snacks.

[laughs]

[Chris Farley impersonator] Big boy in a tiny cloak,

big boy in a tiny cloak.

[Young Nick laughs, very jolly]

You know if you bite into a junior mint and a gummy bear

at the exact same time,

you can unlock the sixth taste bud.

[***]

He was in town for the year, trying to find his Mrs. Claus.

They call it "Rumspringa",

and they stole it from the Amish.

[sniffs]

Hmm.

What a peculiar-smelling tobacco.

She's smoking Meth, Chucky-Dick.

[Chris Farley impersonator] Oh! Come on!

[laughing]

Hey! Shut the fuck up!

It was the best of times...

It was the worst of times...

What the hell are you doing?

We have a meeting with the Fire Wheels Department

in five minutes!

What?

I was getting into character.

[Gretchen] Of the cars?

Check it out.

[imitates car] Vroom-vroom!

Eh? Eh?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I've been up since 5:00,

writing safety protocols for these things.

You're telling me

that you've just been here, playing with toys?

To understand kids, I have to get inside a kid.

Wait a minute, I just heard myself--

Vrooooooom!

Whatever. Just get your shit together.

We gotta go.

Oh, like both of us?

Gretch, I just installed this loop de loop.

You can handle it, right?

Come on.

I can just keep playing? Please?

[Ghost of Charles Dickens] Fuck. You married a child.

Seems a kid got inside of you.

Bang.

Hey, you okay?

Huh, I actually don't know

if I've ever been asked that question on the North Pole.

No?

When I'm bummed,

I like to fly to my fortress of solitude.

Myrtle Beach, to jet ski in the moonlight.

Wait, you just fly out of here whenever you want?

Well, yeah.

I find being out in the water mellows my brain.

I'm a water baby, Gretch.

Would you be interested in flying me to Paris?

Like, right now?

Yeah.

Maybe we can figure out

another way to mellow your brain.

Oh...

snap.

Can I tell you a secret?

I found that very arousing.

Toodle-oo!

The North Pole is burning.

Aw, shucks.

It's just these hot cookies.

I think I burned them.

Would you like to try one anyway?

Mm. Oh, my god,

yep, that is the best cookie I've ever had in my life.

I'm Mrs. Claus the 15th,

but henceforth, you may call me Agnes.

Tonight, I shall be your guide to the present.

Ready to return to Florida?

Fuck! Again?

Language, dear.

Sorry, Mrs. Claus the 15th.

I don't want to play anymore!

Holy shit.

Jim?

I buy you a glove,

I buy you a bat,

and this is how you repay me?

By sucking ass?

I'm sorry.

How the fuck do you expect to buy me a house

when you can't even hit a fastball?

Can I just go to my room?

Speak up, boy!

[a little louder] Can I just go to my room?

Oh, so you can do your homework.

You make me sick, pussy.

I know it's not right to say someone won a breakup,

but you did, girl.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

[humming]

"I know it's hard right now, but it's gonna get easier.

Imagine if you were a little amoeba.

Santa Claus.

P.S. Always trust the science."

Blimey.

I wouldn't call it a war, Spain.

It's more of a...

kerfuffle.

[speaks in Russian]

Anything?

Straight to voicemail!

Keep trying her!

"Her"?

Shouldn't Nick be dealing with this?

The North Pole is gonna burn to the ground

if we don't get ahold of Gretchen.

She's a boss bitch and my hero,

so call her again!

[multiple phones ringing]

[screaming]

[toilet flushing]

You're meant to stand on that white footstool

and just defecate all over the walls, right?

Shitty Nick.

Little on the nose with that entrance.

Wait, I'm sorry, why do you look like that?

I'm not a three-dimensional person.

I'm just a dumb, shitty man.

Ready to return to Florida?

I retired...

and moved to Florida?

More like got banished, bitch.

Del Boca Vista.

2064.

[banging on door]

Go away!

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!

[gun cocking]

What is happening right now?

When Jack took over, there was a great naughty-lash.

Toys became so scarce

that kids had to fight to the death

for a Tickle Me Elmo.

You tried to fight back,

so he banished you for the worst crime of all...

insubordination.

Oh...

And you wanna...

help?

They used to build statues in my honor,

now it's not even called Christmas anymore.

It's called Blackjackmas.

So you're here

just for your own self-interest.

Not for the kids?

Yes! Exactly!

My legacy's on the line here!

If Christmas fails to exist,

then its history will be forgotten.

And so will I.

I hate women,

and the concept of a woman being a vital part of history

is astounding to me.

But you're the only one who can save Christmas,

and everyone knows it.

I know you wanted to see the world,

but you touched it.

[old Mrs. Claus sobs]

And that, Mrs. Claus, is the greatest gift of all.

Whoa!

That was actually really nice.

Did you just come up with that?

Yes...?

No, Charles Dickens wrote it.

I'm just reading it off my hand.

But the question is, would you do it again?

[sighs]

Yes.

Then...

♪ Fuck Rudolph, fuck Dancer fuck Prancer, fuck Vixen ♪

♪ Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen ♪

♪ But do you recall... ♪

♪ The most gangster reindeer of all? ♪

Come on!

♪ Dasher the big-dicked reindeer ♪

♪ Had a very shiny dong ♪

Come on, come on!

♪ And if you ever saw him-- ♪

Whoa, my Queen. You're awake.

You took my reindeer tranqs last night!

I wasn't sure you were gonna wake up.

Fuck, I was nervous.

Yeah, seems like it.

[line ringing]

[horns honking]

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