Original subtitles

That was my big, hairy dick.

[rewinding]

That was my big, hairy dick.

[rewinding]

Big, hairy dick.

[rewinding]

Big, hairy dick.

[to "Carol of the Bells" * Big, hairy dick ♪

♪ Big, hairy dick ♪

♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪

♪ Big, hairy dick ♪

♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪

♪ Big, hairy dick ♪

♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪

♪ Big, hairy dick ♪

[resounding chord strikes]

Okay...

this is a hard situation,

so I'm going to break it down to you

the only way I know how,

by letting your mother do it.

Your Father and I have an arrangement.

Wait, are you getting divorced?

We are not.

For the sake of Christmas,

we're just gonna keep riding it out.

Forever.

But I want you boys to know

this is not your fault and we love you.

[gulps] Wait, what?

So we're not a family anymore?

We're still a family.

Son, look,

dating is like Die Hard 1.

But most marriages--

ugh-- are like Die Hard 2-- b lech.

But our marriage is like Die Hard 3.

Sometimes, the secret sauce

is simply adding another cast member.

Like Samuel L. Jackson.

Huh.

So you saved the franchise,

which is your marriage,

and now you're both happy.

In that case, somebody syrup me!

Not so fast!

Did you just admit to having an affair?

-Yes. -No.

It's fine, they're old enough.

I wouldn't call what Helenor and I have

an "affair".

I mean, we're dating.

In secret.

And your mother and I are married.

Technically.

But it's very different.

Well I'm technically also--

Hold on!

Helenor?

Helenor!

From the fucking Radical Naughty Party?

Son, why don't you calm down and have a pancake?

Okay, let's munch it out.

I will not munch it out!

You're all naughty!

Every last one of youse!

I need to schvitz.

You're spending a weird amount of time in that sauna.

Apparently not enough.

I wish you a Merry...

Tuesday.

Well, that went well.

[call alert chimes]

The elves are on strike!

Unoffend us!

Unoffend us!!

[Nick] It's fine...

Let's just hire the naughty elves

and say fuck it, we're making toys for everybody!

Fuck the naughty list!

Come on, Gretch!

Let's be radical.

That's a great idea.

Why hasn't anyone else brought that up?

I wonder what would happen.

Hmm? Let's think about it.

I don't know--

a Battle Royale

for the very fucking soul of Christmas!

Wh--

This is a lovely surprise.

Why are you here and not on strike?

I go down with the ship, ma'am.

Oh, you're incredible.

You're like a tiny, pointy-eared Joan of Arc.

You are my hero, as well.

Protocol says if the elves strike,

we're supposed to start cutting countries

in alphabetical order.

But to avoid taking another shit on Afghanistan,

I think we should chop Australia instead.

Til, can you FaceTime the Australian Elf on a Shelf?

It's time to drop the hammer.

Or should I say...

the "knoife"?

No. No FaceTime, no FaceTime, no FaceTime!

Hello!

Oh, crikey!

Oi, Jimothy,

Santa Claus has something to say to you!

Don't you, Santa?

Hi there, Mr. Claus!

I hope you don't mind, but my daughter is a huge fan.

Lamanda, come here.

Meet Santa Claus.

No. No, you really don't have to--

Oh, boy.

Wow!

Santa!

This is like a dream come true.

I'm like your biggest fan.

I love you!

I love you, too!

Okay...

Uh...

Gretchen, you got this?

Unfortunately,

there's not gonna be any gifts for the Aussies this year.

Santa messed up.

Sorry, Lamanda.

I'm so sorry.

What?

[bawling]

Matilda,

let's schedule one of those gut-wrenching FaceTimes

every day until the elves come back to work.

That's--

I'm not gonna be able to handle that at all.

Of course not.

Instead, you'll just

leave me and Til to clean up your mess.

Um, I should go.

Gretchen, I'm really sorry,

but I shoot from the hip.

And my hip is in my heart.

What are you, fucking Billy the Kid?

This is what being a leader is.

You have to make tough choices.

I mean, fuck,

I've made more sacrifices for Christmas than anyone,

but I will not stand by you like some spayed political wife,

playing Jingle Your Balls on the deck of the "Titanic"

while you plow straight into a cock-shaped iceberg!

Hot-diggity-dog, you have got a way with words.

That's why you should have read my fucking speech!

[Christmas rock music playing]

Here at The Naughty Nog, we stand for neo-toy socialism.

One child, one gift...

one beer on the house.

Son of a bitch--

Okay, fine!

I'll pay.

Psych.

[Cocoa] Well, as the proctologist

said to the prison guard,

"Always check the back door,

'cause that's where the ketamine be."

Psst. You're live on air...

What?

Last week,

the world changed forever with "Penis-Gate".

Today, please welcome to Cocoa on the Go--

because sometimes,

you need to take your Cocoa to go--

the radical Helenor.

I think your beak is bleeding?

It's hilarious when you joke.

So, some fellas down at the station

came up with the hashtag HoHoHomewrecker.

It's a bit of a mouthful.

What do you know about those?

How did you find me?

Because I'm the most respected, hard-working journalist

this town's ever seen.

Now, tell me, Helenor,

how frequently would Christmas come early?

Look, man,

the scandal's called "Penis-Gate",

and news flash, no penis.

If we can just move on.

You know what, Helenor,

that's a fair point.

Ladies and gentleman,

the siren who shagged Santa

and lured him to the naughty side--

Helenor of Helenor-Gate.

I don't do drugs.

It's like a sauna in here, huh?

[laughs]

Man, I needed that.

You know, I haven't even caroled once

since that pic broke.

I open my mouth to sing

and it's just full of big, hairy dick.

I feel you, brother.

It's like eight maids a milkin',

but, ultimately, the milk was hot...

and lumpy.

This Helenor-Gate stuff's pretty naughty, huh?

Hark, Len, the angels have stopped singing.

Part of me's actually starting to feel bad for Santa.

He is just a man.

And Cocoa said she was just a seductive prostitute.

I heard that some of the elves

have been talking about going back to work.

Now that we know that it's HelenWhore's fault.

[together] Poor Nick.

Poor Nick?!

[Jack] They're gonna go back to work.

Stop talking about Helenor immediately!

No can do, Jacky Boy.

Turns out these elves are more sexist

than they are offended.

My ratings are through the roof.

I earned those ratings, you ungrateful little fish.

Yeah?

Uh-huh?

Whatever, dude.

[Jack] Don't you waddle away from me!

Unless you want me to tell the world

what really wakes up Cocoa in the morning.

Cocaine!

It's a new world, Jack,

and if it's true

that the elves are gonna go back to work

mere days after Penis-Gate,

that means a little coke on my beak

ain't gonna ruffle any feathers.

Which I have 'cause I'm a bird.

My advice?

Do something a little naughty!

I'm Prince Blackjack, Defender of the Nice!

[moaning and thumping]

Under my reign,

Santa will never forget a nice kid.

-[moaning gets louder] -Ever again!

And parents will remain in a loving marriage--

-[moaning crescendos] -Will you pay attention to me?!

[reindeer moaning in ecstasy]

Agh!

Did that deer just cum while looking me in the eye?

Look at that, your first orgy.

See, you're practically naughty already.

Shut up!

I'll never be naughty.

You hacked your dad's dick photo, dude.

Embrace it.

Go drop acid with the Polar Bears.

Jerk off a Narwhal.

Have a cookie!

But whatever you do,

for god's sake, just live, man.

That's how you become jolly.

That's how you become Santy Claus.

Fuck you, Fish.

[reindeer chomps]

Ah, fuck it.

[Ebba] We know you were under

the naughty influence of Helenor,

so we're willing to forgive you.

The nice children of the world shouldn't suffer

because you were tempted

by the fruit of that evil seductress.

Wait, what?

Naughty kids don't get gifts for a reason,

and that reason is they ruin everything--

the way Helenor did.

But we're offering you a chance to make it right.

I've spoken to my trampoline team

and we're also quite eager to jump back into work, sir.

All we need is for you

to once again take The Pledge of the Nice,

denounce all relations with the Naughty Community,

and fa-la-la-la-la, we're making toys again!

Hmm...

what to do, what to do...

Tell them to go fuck themselves.

Hmm!

Are you serious, man?

Swallow your pride and save Christmas,

you fat asshole!

Oh, Lamanda, you lost both legs.

Oh, give me a break!

I guarantee you this girl can walk.

And don't forget the reason she's even in Australia.

The real victim here--

the children.

Oi, I'm Jase.

Without Christmas,

I'll probably commit suicide by shark.

Or at least turn to a life of crime,

or prostitution.

[Ebba] Ahem. The pledge, sir.

[sighs]

I pledge allegiance

to our founding father, Skatonik.

I will execute the traditions

and uphold morality throughout the world

by only giving gifts

to children who are obedient,

righteous,

cheerful, and nice.

And to the naughty...

I denounce you.

Hmm.

Look, Mommy!

The dirty lady Santa stuffed!

Sweetheart, where did you learn those naughty words?

Real nice.

I was wrong about you.

You're just like

all the other Claus men in history--

a coward!

I'm so sorry.

Okay, there were just

all these little people on my shoulders.

I had no choice.

We all have choices, and you decided to sell me out.

But it's cool, right?

'Cause at least the elves are back to work.

These were really hard decisions.

So is standing up for what you believe in.

You know, for the rest of my life,

I'm gonna be Helenor of Helenor-Gate,

and you'll just be Santa Claus.

Enjoy your toys, asshole.

[door slams]

Sorry, man.

Would you like a cookie?

Nah, I'm not in the mood.

What in the actual fuck, man?

I just spent an hour and a half

making these damn things.

Okay fine, I'll have seven.

So the elves are back to work and I am psyched!

So stay where you are,

because after the break,

we'll be bringing you

more wall-to-wall coverage of Helenor-Gate,

including a fireside chat

with her third-grade biology teach--

Crisis averted.

Fuck that penguin.

I heard "Cocoa" isn't even his real name.

It's like "John".

You know, I was thinking,

now that Nick and Helenor are out in the open,

maybe we could go public.

The world should know

about the epic love that is Dasher and Mrs. Claus.

Were you not listening

to anything that train-wreck just said?

Yeah, but I'm strong.

I can take it.

Oh... you think--

Dasher, if we went public, what would happen?

You'd get, what?

Pats on the rump?

High-hooves?

Love high-hooves.

And I'd be Gretchen-Gated.

So no.

We're keeping this private.

Also cool.

You know the thing I can't figure out

is the real scandal has always been Helenor,

so why wouldn't they have led with that...

unless somehow

they didn't know about her and Nick...

You're saying a lot of things that are confusing my brain.

Oh, my God.

I need a ride.

Fuck, yeah.

Round two. Ding, ding!

No. Like, literally get on all fours

and fly me out of here.

It's time to put my sleuthing cap on.

[***]

[rewinding]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0