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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,744 --> 00:00:09,494 That was my big, hairy dick. 2 00:00:09,537 --> 00:00:10,827 [rewinding] 3 00:00:10,872 --> 00:00:13,622 That was my big, hairy dick. 4 00:00:13,666 --> 00:00:15,456 [rewinding] 5 00:00:15,501 --> 00:00:16,461 Big, hairy dick. 6 00:00:16,502 --> 00:00:17,462 [rewinding] 7 00:00:17,503 --> 00:00:19,213 Big, hairy dick. 8 00:00:20,214 --> 00:00:21,294 [to "Carol of the Bells" * Big, hairy dick ♪ 9 00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:22,300 ♪ Big, hairy dick ♪ 10 00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:23,461 ♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪ 11 00:00:23,509 --> 00:00:24,599 ♪ Big, hairy dick ♪ 12 00:00:24,635 --> 00:00:25,805 ♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪ 13 00:00:25,845 --> 00:00:27,055 ♪ Big, hairy dick ♪ 14 00:00:27,096 --> 00:00:28,386 ♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪ 15 00:00:28,431 --> 00:00:29,931 ♪ Big, hairy dick ♪ 16 00:00:29,974 --> 00:00:31,854 [resounding chord strikes] 17 00:00:33,770 --> 00:00:35,070 Okay... 18 00:00:35,104 --> 00:00:36,814 this is a hard situation, 19 00:00:36,856 --> 00:00:37,936 so I'm going to break it down to you 20 00:00:37,982 --> 00:00:40,102 the only way I know how, 21 00:00:40,151 --> 00:00:41,441 by letting your mother do it. 22 00:00:43,071 --> 00:00:46,031 Your Father and I have an arrangement. 23 00:00:46,074 --> 00:00:48,824 Wait, are you getting divorced? 24 00:00:48,868 --> 00:00:49,868 We are not. 25 00:00:49,911 --> 00:00:51,031 For the sake of Christmas, 26 00:00:51,079 --> 00:00:52,579 we're just gonna keep riding it out. 27 00:00:52,622 --> 00:00:53,912 Forever. 28 00:00:53,956 --> 00:00:55,836 But I want you boys to know 29 00:00:55,875 --> 00:00:58,335 this is not your fault and we love you. 30 00:00:59,545 --> 00:01:00,545 [gulps] Wait, what? 31 00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:02,468 So we're not a family anymore? 32 00:01:03,633 --> 00:01:05,753 We're still a family. 33 00:01:05,802 --> 00:01:07,012 Son, look, 34 00:01:07,053 --> 00:01:09,673 dating is like Die Hard 1. 35 00:01:09,722 --> 00:01:10,972 But most marriages-- 36 00:01:11,015 --> 00:01:13,145 ugh-- are like Die Hard 2-- b lech. 37 00:01:13,184 --> 00:01:15,974 But our marriage is like Die Hard 3. 38 00:01:16,020 --> 00:01:17,150 Sometimes, the secret sauce 39 00:01:17,188 --> 00:01:19,648 is simply adding another cast member. 40 00:01:19,690 --> 00:01:21,240 Like Samuel L. Jackson. 41 00:01:22,401 --> 00:01:23,521 Huh. 42 00:01:23,569 --> 00:01:25,369 So you saved the franchise, 43 00:01:25,405 --> 00:01:27,535 which is your marriage, 44 00:01:27,573 --> 00:01:29,193 and now you're both happy. 45 00:01:30,159 --> 00:01:33,419 In that case, somebody syrup me! 46 00:01:35,248 --> 00:01:36,378 Not so fast! 47 00:01:37,417 --> 00:01:39,547 Did you just admit to having an affair? 48 00:01:39,585 --> 00:01:40,715 -Yes. -No. 49 00:01:40,753 --> 00:01:43,753 It's fine, they're old enough. 50 00:01:43,798 --> 00:01:45,388 I wouldn't call what Helenor and I have 51 00:01:45,425 --> 00:01:46,465 an "affair". 52 00:01:46,509 --> 00:01:48,429 I mean, we're dating. 53 00:01:48,469 --> 00:01:49,469 In secret. 54 00:01:49,512 --> 00:01:50,922 And your mother and I are married. 55 00:01:50,972 --> 00:01:52,092 Technically. 56 00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:54,100 But it's very different. 57 00:01:54,142 --> 00:01:55,392 Well I'm technically also-- 58 00:01:55,435 --> 00:01:56,395 Hold on! 59 00:01:56,436 --> 00:01:57,646 Helenor? 60 00:01:57,687 --> 00:01:58,727 Helenor! 61 00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:00,931 From the fucking Radical Naughty Party? 62 00:02:00,982 --> 00:02:03,902 Son, why don't you calm down and have a pancake? 63 00:02:03,943 --> 00:02:05,443 Okay, let's munch it out. 64 00:02:05,486 --> 00:02:07,736 I will not munch it out! 65 00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:08,910 You're all naughty! 66 00:02:08,948 --> 00:02:10,998 Every last one of youse! 67 00:02:11,033 --> 00:02:12,403 I need to schvitz. 68 00:02:12,452 --> 00:02:15,072 You're spending a weird amount of time in that sauna. 69 00:02:15,121 --> 00:02:17,161 Apparently not enough. 70 00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:19,376 I wish you a Merry... 71 00:02:19,417 --> 00:02:20,337 Tuesday. 72 00:02:21,461 --> 00:02:22,791 Well, that went well. 73 00:02:22,837 --> 00:02:23,967 [call alert chimes] 74 00:02:24,005 --> 00:02:25,715 The elves are on strike! 75 00:02:26,799 --> 00:02:28,259 Unoffend us! 76 00:02:28,301 --> 00:02:29,551 Unoffend us!! 77 00:02:29,594 --> 00:02:30,764 [Nick] It's fine... 78 00:02:30,803 --> 00:02:32,263 Let's just hire the naughty elves 79 00:02:32,305 --> 00:02:34,185 and say fuck it, we're making toys for everybody! 80 00:02:34,223 --> 00:02:35,343 Fuck the naughty list! 81 00:02:35,391 --> 00:02:36,551 Come on, Gretch! 82 00:02:36,601 --> 00:02:37,931 Let's be radical. 83 00:02:37,977 --> 00:02:39,267 That's a great idea. 84 00:02:39,312 --> 00:02:40,642 Why hasn't anyone else brought that up? 85 00:02:40,688 --> 00:02:41,988 I wonder what would happen. 86 00:02:42,023 --> 00:02:43,483 Hmm? Let's think about it. 87 00:02:43,524 --> 00:02:44,484 I don't know-- 88 00:02:44,525 --> 00:02:45,605 a Battle Royale 89 00:02:45,651 --> 00:02:46,981 for the very fucking soul of Christmas! 90 00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:48,870 Wh-- 91 00:02:48,905 --> 00:02:50,075 This is a lovely surprise. 92 00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:52,614 Why are you here and not on strike? 93 00:02:52,658 --> 00:02:54,708 I go down with the ship, ma'am. 94 00:02:54,744 --> 00:02:56,534 Oh, you're incredible. 95 00:02:56,579 --> 00:02:58,709 You're like a tiny, pointy-eared Joan of Arc. 96 00:02:59,832 --> 00:03:02,252 You are my hero, as well. 97 00:03:03,419 --> 00:03:05,969 Protocol says if the elves strike, 98 00:03:06,005 --> 00:03:07,465 we're supposed to start cutting countries 99 00:03:07,507 --> 00:03:08,797 in alphabetical order. 100 00:03:08,841 --> 00:03:12,461 But to avoid taking another shit on Afghanistan, 101 00:03:12,512 --> 00:03:14,672 I think we should chop Australia instead. 102 00:03:14,722 --> 00:03:18,012 Til, can you FaceTime the Australian Elf on a Shelf? 103 00:03:18,059 --> 00:03:19,399 It's time to drop the hammer. 104 00:03:19,435 --> 00:03:20,605 Or should I say... 105 00:03:20,645 --> 00:03:21,815 the "knoife"? 106 00:03:21,854 --> 00:03:23,734 No. No FaceTime, no FaceTime, no FaceTime! 107 00:03:23,773 --> 00:03:24,983 Hello! 108 00:03:25,024 --> 00:03:26,394 Oh, crikey! 109 00:03:26,442 --> 00:03:28,152 Oi, Jimothy, 110 00:03:28,194 --> 00:03:31,654 Santa Claus has something to say to you! 111 00:03:31,697 --> 00:03:33,537 Don't you, Santa? 112 00:03:33,574 --> 00:03:35,404 Hi there, Mr. Claus! 113 00:03:35,451 --> 00:03:38,621 I hope you don't mind, but my daughter is a huge fan. 114 00:03:38,663 --> 00:03:40,493 Lamanda, come here. 115 00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:41,840 Meet Santa Claus. 116 00:03:41,874 --> 00:03:43,664 No. No, you really don't have to-- 117 00:03:43,709 --> 00:03:45,339 Oh, boy. 118 00:03:45,378 --> 00:03:46,718 Wow! 119 00:03:46,754 --> 00:03:48,004 Santa! 120 00:03:48,047 --> 00:03:52,717 This is like a dream come true. 121 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,390 I'm like your biggest fan. 122 00:03:56,431 --> 00:03:58,011 I love you! 123 00:03:58,057 --> 00:04:00,517 I love you, too! 124 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,650 Okay... 125 00:04:01,686 --> 00:04:03,016 Uh... 126 00:04:03,062 --> 00:04:04,392 Gretchen, you got this? 127 00:04:04,439 --> 00:04:05,899 Unfortunately, 128 00:04:05,940 --> 00:04:09,530 there's not gonna be any gifts for the Aussies this year. 129 00:04:09,569 --> 00:04:10,819 Santa messed up. 130 00:04:11,904 --> 00:04:13,784 Sorry, Lamanda. 131 00:04:13,823 --> 00:04:15,283 I'm so sorry. 132 00:04:15,324 --> 00:04:16,574 What? 133 00:04:16,617 --> 00:04:18,117 [bawling] 134 00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:21,459 Matilda, 135 00:04:21,497 --> 00:04:24,587 let's schedule one of those gut-wrenching FaceTimes 136 00:04:24,625 --> 00:04:27,665 every day until the elves come back to work. 137 00:04:27,712 --> 00:04:28,922 That's-- 138 00:04:28,963 --> 00:04:30,923 I'm not gonna be able to handle that at all. 139 00:04:30,965 --> 00:04:32,215 Of course not. 140 00:04:32,258 --> 00:04:33,848 Instead, you'll just 141 00:04:33,885 --> 00:04:36,095 leave me and Til to clean up your mess. 142 00:04:36,137 --> 00:04:38,687 Um, I should go. 143 00:04:40,099 --> 00:04:41,229 Gretchen, I'm really sorry, 144 00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:42,807 but I shoot from the hip. 145 00:04:43,936 --> 00:04:46,436 And my hip is in my heart. 146 00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:48,481 What are you, fucking Billy the Kid? 147 00:04:48,524 --> 00:04:50,274 This is what being a leader is. 148 00:04:50,318 --> 00:04:52,738 You have to make tough choices. 149 00:04:52,779 --> 00:04:54,119 I mean, fuck, 150 00:04:54,155 --> 00:04:56,745 I've made more sacrifices for Christmas than anyone, 151 00:04:56,783 --> 00:05:00,783 but I will not stand by you like some spayed political wife, 152 00:05:00,828 --> 00:05:04,418 playing Jingle Your Balls on the deck of the "Titanic" 153 00:05:04,457 --> 00:05:07,457 while you plow straight into a cock-shaped iceberg! 154 00:05:07,502 --> 00:05:10,422 Hot-diggity-dog, you have got a way with words. 155 00:05:10,463 --> 00:05:12,173 That's why you should have read my fucking speech! 156 00:05:13,466 --> 00:05:15,556 [Christmas rock music playing] 157 00:05:17,470 --> 00:05:21,600 Here at The Naughty Nog, we stand for neo-toy socialism. 158 00:05:21,641 --> 00:05:24,181 One child, one gift... 159 00:05:24,227 --> 00:05:26,477 one beer on the house. 160 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,490 Son of a bitch-- 161 00:05:29,565 --> 00:05:31,355 Okay, fine! 162 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,530 I'll pay. 163 00:05:33,861 --> 00:05:34,941 Psych. 164 00:05:34,987 --> 00:05:36,367 [Cocoa] Well, as the proctologist 165 00:05:36,406 --> 00:05:37,946 said to the prison guard, 166 00:05:37,990 --> 00:05:40,290 "Always check the back door, 167 00:05:40,326 --> 00:05:42,786 'cause that's where the ketamine be." 168 00:05:42,829 --> 00:05:44,629 Psst. You're live on air... 169 00:05:44,664 --> 00:05:45,704 What? 170 00:05:45,748 --> 00:05:46,918 Last week, 171 00:05:46,958 --> 00:05:49,418 the world changed forever with "Penis-Gate". 172 00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:51,680 Today, please welcome to Cocoa on the Go-- 173 00:05:51,712 --> 00:05:52,672 because sometimes, 174 00:05:52,713 --> 00:05:54,333 you need to take your Cocoa to go-- 175 00:05:54,382 --> 00:05:55,592 the radical Helenor. 176 00:05:56,884 --> 00:05:58,264 I think your beak is bleeding? 177 00:05:59,178 --> 00:06:00,638 It's hilarious when you joke. 178 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,440 So, some fellas down at the station 179 00:06:02,473 --> 00:06:05,933 came up with the hashtag #HoHoHomewrecker. 180 00:06:05,977 --> 00:06:07,357 It's a bit of a mouthful. 181 00:06:07,395 --> 00:06:08,725 What do you know about those? 182 00:06:08,771 --> 00:06:10,641 How did you find me? 183 00:06:10,690 --> 00:06:13,410 Because I'm the most respected, hard-working journalist 184 00:06:13,443 --> 00:06:14,653 this town's ever seen. 185 00:06:15,737 --> 00:06:16,907 Now, tell me, Helenor, 186 00:06:16,946 --> 00:06:18,656 how frequently would Christmas come early? 187 00:06:18,698 --> 00:06:19,788 Look, man, 188 00:06:19,824 --> 00:06:21,114 the scandal's called "Penis-Gate", 189 00:06:21,159 --> 00:06:23,959 and news flash, no penis. 190 00:06:23,995 --> 00:06:25,075 If we can just move on. 191 00:06:25,121 --> 00:06:26,161 You know what, Helenor, 192 00:06:26,205 --> 00:06:27,205 that's a fair point. 193 00:06:27,248 --> 00:06:28,208 Ladies and gentleman, 194 00:06:28,249 --> 00:06:30,299 the siren who shagged Santa 195 00:06:30,334 --> 00:06:32,124 and lured him to the naughty side-- 196 00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:34,340 Helenor of Helenor-Gate. 197 00:06:36,966 --> 00:06:37,886 I don't do drugs. 198 00:06:40,178 --> 00:06:42,518 It's like a sauna in here, huh? 199 00:06:42,555 --> 00:06:43,345 [laughs] 200 00:06:43,389 --> 00:06:44,689 Man, I needed that. 201 00:06:45,725 --> 00:06:47,765 You know, I haven't even caroled once 202 00:06:47,810 --> 00:06:49,400 since that pic broke. 203 00:06:49,437 --> 00:06:50,727 I open my mouth to sing 204 00:06:50,772 --> 00:06:52,892 and it's just full of big, hairy dick. 205 00:06:54,066 --> 00:06:55,106 I feel you, brother. 206 00:06:55,151 --> 00:06:56,481 It's like eight maids a milkin', 207 00:06:56,527 --> 00:06:58,827 but, ultimately, the milk was hot... 208 00:06:58,863 --> 00:07:00,073 and lumpy. 209 00:07:00,114 --> 00:07:03,454 This Helenor-Gate stuff's pretty naughty, huh? 210 00:07:03,493 --> 00:07:07,323 Hark, Len, the angels have stopped singing. 211 00:07:07,371 --> 00:07:10,581 Part of me's actually starting to feel bad for Santa. 212 00:07:11,626 --> 00:07:13,006 He is just a man. 213 00:07:13,044 --> 00:07:16,374 And Cocoa said she was just a seductive prostitute. 214 00:07:17,590 --> 00:07:19,600 I heard that some of the elves 215 00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:22,384 have been talking about going back to work. 216 00:07:22,428 --> 00:07:24,558 Now that we know that it's HelenWhore's fault. 217 00:07:25,431 --> 00:07:26,721 [together] Poor Nick. 218 00:07:29,268 --> 00:07:31,398 Poor Nick?! 219 00:07:31,437 --> 00:07:33,397 [Jack] They're gonna go back to work. 220 00:07:33,439 --> 00:07:35,319 Stop talking about Helenor immediately! 221 00:07:35,358 --> 00:07:37,528 No can do, Jacky Boy. 222 00:07:37,568 --> 00:07:39,368 Turns out these elves are more sexist 223 00:07:39,404 --> 00:07:40,484 than they are offended. 224 00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:42,580 My ratings are through the roof. 225 00:07:42,615 --> 00:07:45,745 I earned those ratings, you ungrateful little fish. 226 00:07:45,785 --> 00:07:46,745 Yeah? 227 00:07:46,786 --> 00:07:47,746 Uh-huh? 228 00:07:47,787 --> 00:07:48,877 Whatever, dude. 229 00:07:48,913 --> 00:07:50,533 [Jack] Don't you waddle away from me! 230 00:07:50,581 --> 00:07:52,241 Unless you want me to tell the world 231 00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:54,581 what really wakes up Cocoa in the morning. 232 00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:55,967 Cocaine! 233 00:07:57,422 --> 00:07:58,792 It's a new world, Jack, 234 00:07:58,840 --> 00:07:59,930 and if it's true 235 00:07:59,966 --> 00:08:01,846 that the elves are gonna go back to work 236 00:08:01,884 --> 00:08:04,384 mere days after Penis-Gate, 237 00:08:04,429 --> 00:08:06,639 that means a little coke on my beak 238 00:08:06,681 --> 00:08:07,881 ain't gonna ruffle any feathers. 239 00:08:09,016 --> 00:08:10,646 Which I have 'cause I'm a bird. 240 00:08:11,769 --> 00:08:12,609 My advice? 241 00:08:12,645 --> 00:08:14,435 Do something a little naughty! 242 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,150 I'm Prince Blackjack, Defender of the Nice! 243 00:08:16,190 --> 00:08:17,150 [moaning and thumping] 244 00:08:17,191 --> 00:08:18,731 Under my reign, 245 00:08:18,776 --> 00:08:21,236 Santa will never forget a nice kid. 246 00:08:21,279 --> 00:08:22,529 -[moaning gets louder] -Ever again! 247 00:08:22,572 --> 00:08:24,902 And parents will remain in a loving marriage-- 248 00:08:24,949 --> 00:08:27,159 -[moaning crescendos] -Will you pay attention to me?! 249 00:08:27,201 --> 00:08:29,491 [reindeer moaning in ecstasy] 250 00:08:29,537 --> 00:08:30,917 Agh! 251 00:08:33,332 --> 00:08:35,452 Did that deer just cum while looking me in the eye? 252 00:08:35,501 --> 00:08:37,621 Look at that, your first orgy. 253 00:08:37,670 --> 00:08:39,630 See, you're practically naughty already. 254 00:08:40,673 --> 00:08:41,503 Shut up! 255 00:08:41,549 --> 00:08:42,639 I'll never be naughty. 256 00:08:42,675 --> 00:08:45,635 You hacked your dad's dick photo, dude. 257 00:08:45,678 --> 00:08:46,678 Embrace it. 258 00:08:46,721 --> 00:08:48,801 Go drop acid with the Polar Bears. 259 00:08:48,848 --> 00:08:50,268 Jerk off a Narwhal. 260 00:08:50,308 --> 00:08:51,398 Have a cookie! 261 00:08:51,434 --> 00:08:52,434 But whatever you do, 262 00:08:52,477 --> 00:08:55,527 for god's sake, just live, man. 263 00:08:55,563 --> 00:08:57,733 That's how you become jolly. 264 00:08:57,774 --> 00:09:00,984 That's how you become Santy Claus. 265 00:09:03,738 --> 00:09:04,788 Fuck you, Fish. 266 00:09:06,741 --> 00:09:07,991 [reindeer chomps] 267 00:09:10,078 --> 00:09:11,118 Ah, fuck it. 268 00:09:11,162 --> 00:09:12,412 [Ebba] We know you were under 269 00:09:12,455 --> 00:09:14,125 the naughty influence of Helenor, 270 00:09:14,165 --> 00:09:16,415 so we're willing to forgive you. 271 00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:18,509 The nice children of the world shouldn't suffer 272 00:09:18,544 --> 00:09:19,714 because you were tempted 273 00:09:19,754 --> 00:09:21,964 by the fruit of that evil seductress. 274 00:09:22,006 --> 00:09:23,466 Wait, what? 275 00:09:23,508 --> 00:09:26,178 Naughty kids don't get gifts for a reason, 276 00:09:26,219 --> 00:09:28,559 and that reason is they ruin everything-- 277 00:09:28,596 --> 00:09:30,516 the way Helenor did. 278 00:09:30,556 --> 00:09:33,226 But we're offering you a chance to make it right. 279 00:09:33,267 --> 00:09:34,767 I've spoken to my trampoline team 280 00:09:34,811 --> 00:09:37,971 and we're also quite eager to jump back into work, sir. 281 00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:39,232 All we need is for you 282 00:09:39,273 --> 00:09:41,523 to once again take The Pledge of the Nice, 283 00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:44,367 denounce all relations with the Naughty Community, 284 00:09:44,404 --> 00:09:48,154 and fa-la-la-la-la, we're making toys again! 285 00:09:48,199 --> 00:09:50,209 Hmm... 286 00:09:50,243 --> 00:09:52,033 what to do, what to do... 287 00:09:52,078 --> 00:09:54,208 Tell them to go fuck themselves. 288 00:09:54,247 --> 00:09:55,537 Hmm! 289 00:09:55,581 --> 00:09:57,291 Are you serious, man? 290 00:09:57,333 --> 00:09:59,043 Swallow your pride and save Christmas, 291 00:09:59,085 --> 00:10:00,125 you fat asshole! 292 00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:05,550 Oh, Lamanda, you lost both legs. 293 00:10:05,591 --> 00:10:06,841 Oh, give me a break! 294 00:10:06,884 --> 00:10:08,714 I guarantee you this girl can walk. 295 00:10:08,761 --> 00:10:11,221 And don't forget the reason she's even in Australia. 296 00:10:11,264 --> 00:10:13,014 The real victim here-- 297 00:10:13,057 --> 00:10:14,017 the children. 298 00:10:14,058 --> 00:10:15,438 Oi, I'm Jase. 299 00:10:15,476 --> 00:10:16,516 Without Christmas, 300 00:10:16,561 --> 00:10:19,141 I'll probably commit suicide by shark. 301 00:10:19,188 --> 00:10:21,188 Or at least turn to a life of crime, 302 00:10:21,232 --> 00:10:22,642 or prostitution. 303 00:10:22,692 --> 00:10:24,192 [Ebba] Ahem. The pledge, sir. 304 00:10:27,238 --> 00:10:28,368 [sighs] 305 00:10:28,406 --> 00:10:29,406 I pledge allegiance 306 00:10:29,449 --> 00:10:32,039 to our founding father, Skatonik. 307 00:10:32,076 --> 00:10:33,416 I will execute the traditions 308 00:10:33,453 --> 00:10:35,953 and uphold morality throughout the world 309 00:10:35,997 --> 00:10:37,287 by only giving gifts 310 00:10:37,331 --> 00:10:38,991 to children who are obedient, 311 00:10:39,041 --> 00:10:40,201 righteous, 312 00:10:40,251 --> 00:10:42,541 cheerful, and nice. 313 00:10:42,587 --> 00:10:45,927 And to the naughty... 314 00:10:45,965 --> 00:10:47,095 I denounce you. 315 00:10:52,096 --> 00:10:53,636 Hmm. 316 00:10:55,475 --> 00:10:56,555 Look, Mommy! 317 00:10:56,601 --> 00:10:58,851 The dirty lady Santa stuffed! 318 00:10:58,895 --> 00:11:02,105 Sweetheart, where did you learn those naughty words? 319 00:11:06,903 --> 00:11:08,523 Real nice. 320 00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:10,862 I was wrong about you. 321 00:11:10,907 --> 00:11:11,947 You're just like 322 00:11:11,991 --> 00:11:13,111 all the other Claus men in history-- 323 00:11:13,159 --> 00:11:14,459 a coward! 324 00:11:14,494 --> 00:11:16,284 I'm so sorry. 325 00:11:16,329 --> 00:11:17,459 Okay, there were just 326 00:11:17,497 --> 00:11:20,087 all these little people on my shoulders. 327 00:11:20,124 --> 00:11:21,504 I had no choice. 328 00:11:21,542 --> 00:11:24,622 We all have choices, and you decided to sell me out. 329 00:11:24,670 --> 00:11:25,880 But it's cool, right? 330 00:11:25,922 --> 00:11:28,462 'Cause at least the elves are back to work. 331 00:11:28,508 --> 00:11:30,598 These were really hard decisions. 332 00:11:30,635 --> 00:11:33,305 So is standing up for what you believe in. 333 00:11:33,346 --> 00:11:34,766 You know, for the rest of my life, 334 00:11:34,806 --> 00:11:37,436 I'm gonna be Helenor of Helenor-Gate, 335 00:11:37,475 --> 00:11:39,725 and you'll just be Santa Claus. 336 00:11:39,769 --> 00:11:41,269 Enjoy your toys, asshole. 337 00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:43,062 [door slams] 338 00:11:43,106 --> 00:11:44,276 Sorry, man. 339 00:11:44,315 --> 00:11:46,275 Would you like a cookie? 340 00:11:46,317 --> 00:11:48,197 Nah, I'm not in the mood. 341 00:11:48,236 --> 00:11:49,906 What in the actual fuck, man? 342 00:11:49,946 --> 00:11:51,196 I just spent an hour and a half 343 00:11:51,239 --> 00:11:52,579 making these damn things. 344 00:11:53,533 --> 00:11:54,903 Okay fine, I'll have seven. 345 00:11:55,952 --> 00:11:57,612 So the elves are back to work and I am psyched! 346 00:11:57,662 --> 00:11:58,572 So stay where you are, 347 00:11:58,621 --> 00:11:59,531 because after the break, 348 00:11:59,580 --> 00:12:00,790 we'll be bringing you 349 00:12:00,832 --> 00:12:02,332 more wall-to-wall coverage of Helenor-Gate, 350 00:12:02,375 --> 00:12:03,505 including a fireside chat 351 00:12:03,543 --> 00:12:05,043 with her third-grade biology teach-- 352 00:12:05,086 --> 00:12:07,126 Crisis averted. 353 00:12:07,171 --> 00:12:08,751 Fuck that penguin. 354 00:12:08,798 --> 00:12:10,888 I heard "Cocoa" isn't even his real name. 355 00:12:10,925 --> 00:12:12,175 It's like "John". 356 00:12:12,218 --> 00:12:14,678 You know, I was thinking, 357 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,730 now that Nick and Helenor are out in the open, 358 00:12:16,764 --> 00:12:19,434 maybe we could go public. 359 00:12:19,475 --> 00:12:20,805 The world should know 360 00:12:20,852 --> 00:12:25,142 about the epic love that is Dasher and Mrs. Claus. 361 00:12:25,189 --> 00:12:26,359 Were you not listening 362 00:12:26,399 --> 00:12:28,449 to anything that train-wreck just said? 363 00:12:28,484 --> 00:12:30,274 Yeah, but I'm strong. 364 00:12:30,319 --> 00:12:31,579 I can take it. 365 00:12:31,612 --> 00:12:33,692 Oh... you think-- 366 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:36,290 Dasher, if we went public, what would happen? 367 00:12:36,325 --> 00:12:37,535 You'd get, what? 368 00:12:37,577 --> 00:12:38,457 Pats on the rump? 369 00:12:38,494 --> 00:12:39,914 High-hooves? 370 00:12:39,954 --> 00:12:41,494 Love high-hooves. 371 00:12:41,539 --> 00:12:43,129 And I'd be Gretchen-Gated. 372 00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:44,496 So no. 373 00:12:44,542 --> 00:12:45,542 We're keeping this private. 374 00:12:45,585 --> 00:12:46,755 Also cool. 375 00:12:46,794 --> 00:12:48,714 You know the thing I can't figure out 376 00:12:48,755 --> 00:12:51,715 is the real scandal has always been Helenor, 377 00:12:51,758 --> 00:12:55,058 so why wouldn't they have led with that... 378 00:12:55,094 --> 00:12:56,384 unless somehow 379 00:12:56,429 --> 00:12:58,729 they didn't know about her and Nick... 380 00:12:58,765 --> 00:13:02,225 You're saying a lot of things that are confusing my brain. 381 00:13:02,268 --> 00:13:04,358 Oh, my God. 382 00:13:04,395 --> 00:13:05,435 I need a ride. 383 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,690 Fuck, yeah. 384 00:13:06,731 --> 00:13:08,641 Round two. Ding, ding! 385 00:13:08,691 --> 00:13:10,521 No. Like, literally get on all fours 386 00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:12,818 and fly me out of here. 387 00:13:12,862 --> 00:13:15,362 It's time to put my sleuthing cap on. 388 00:13:19,952 --> 00:13:21,452 [***] 389 00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:22,786 [rewinding] 390 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:27,386 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 26224

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