Original subtitles

Charlie's phone's been confiscated.

It's actually my phone - he took itfrom my pocket, so I need it back.

Please?

There it is. Thieving little git.

Yeah, I don't have a form for it.

I can't release a propertyunless I've got a confiscation form.

Right, so how do I get it back?

All items without a formare classified as lost property

and processed at the end of term.

Jesus Christ.

If you wish to make a complaint,you can email the school.

Yeah, all right, I'll do that.

Can you pass me my phoneso I can do it now?

OK.

And who deals with the complaints?

I do.

OK.

Mrs Lamb's phone.

I hate you, you witch.

Just give me the phone back.

Oh, you really dodged a bullet

getting out of the school trip,Kevin.

Gutted doesn't even cover it.

Sod's law my driving testis on the same day as the trip

to Fishbourne Roman Palace.

Send you some pictures of mosaicsfor your wank bank.

I hit a cow on my driving test.

Yeah, killed it instantly.

Still passed, though.

Uh, different rules in Ireland.

I'm sweating just thinking about it.

My hands are literally sopping.

Do you think I need some drivinggloves or...or a driving towel?

The physical store was alwaysjust a test-bed but, uh,

as of two o'clock tomorrow,we officially pivot online.

Woohoo!

Will you be OKpacking up the shop?

Uh, you're packing up, Anne?

Oh, no, I told you I can't -the baby has her jabs.

Oh, great. Thanks for mentioningthis before.

I did. I texted you twice.

Then how is this only the firsttime I'm registering it?

For that, I can only apologise.

Cafe anyone? I promised the girlsa cake if they let me sing

the Moana soundtrack with themthis morning.

No, no,I have to say goodbye to my builder.

Oh, is it Garry's last day?

What? No.

Oh, sorry, you just gave mea heart attack.

No.

No, no, no, I just like to...

I just...just like to have,um, a catch-up,

a de-brief, you know,give him a proper send-off.

You must give me his number -I need a new attic ladder.

I'd never share himwith anyone, Kevin.

What do you want, babe?

Do you want a hot chocolatewith all the toppings?

Is Jade OK?

We've just been to see the head.

Some little dipshit'sbeen racist to her.

Bloody hell, poor little thing.

The worst Rosie's ever gotis a rain cloud for giving Ruben

a wedgie.

And he's been banned from the schoolfield trip tomorrow

and they're doing a racism awarenessassembly thing, so...

For the record,I am both shocked and stunned.

What did the head say?

They said they've not hadto deal with it before.

At least that's something.Yeah, but is it?

Is it that it's never happenedbefore or that they haven't noticed?

Anyway, whatever, they're dealingwith it, so that's something.

What did the kid actually say?

Well, the jury is still outon whether he meant it

in an offensive way.

No, I don't thinkthe jury's still out.

It really upset Jade.

I know demographically my opiniondoesn't count,

but maybe it's just kidssaying kids' things.

No.

Anne, what do you think?

You must've been on the receivingend as an Irish.

Or not. I'm not saying you have to

have an opinion just because you'reIrish.

The Irish famously opinionated?

Um, couldn't tell you oneway or the other.

They are.

Their catchphrase is, "To be sure."

Oh, I'm not sure it isbut, um, OK.

To be sure, to be sure.

It is.

Oh! Oh.

Cup of tea for the worker.

Ah, thanks.

Mine are much more, um...

you know, it doesn't matterwhat mine are like, these are my,

um, these are my mother's,we'll just, just get...

Um, is it a classicsort of bachelor pad or is there

a girlfriend in the mix?

No, not at the moment, no.You should take your time and p...

play the field,see what's out there.

At a squeeze.

Lovely tea, thanks.

Garry, I don't know how to say this,um, I have to go on a school

trip tomorrow,so I'm not going to be around.

OK, cool.

It's very understanding of you.

It's...it's to Fishbourne RomanPalace, it's, um,

it's famous for its tiles.

But, seriously, honestly,

your new window fittings.

Consider it done.

I mean, absolutely, fine.

I'm on it like a car bonnet.I'll call them first thing.

I love getting my teethinto something.

Anyone want a tea?I'm putting the kettle on.

No, thanks, Mother,Garry's all catered for.

He's great. No, actually,I could go for another.

OK, don't touch the kettle.Don't touch that.

Get you...Don't you dare touch it!

Just pull in here, Mr Brady.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Come on, just...

Come on, just... Just put me out...

Put me out of my misery.

Well, I'm pleased to tell you,you passed.

What?

Shut up.

What? Shut up.

Shut the F up.

Whoo!

BEEPS CAR HORN

Don't do that.

Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

If ever there was a time to playthe cancer card, this is it.

I'd just be moping aroundwaiting for my test results.

They're due to call today.

And there's only so manyepisodes of Selling Sunset you can

watch before you want to clawyour eyes out with your acrylics.

Can everyone please get in line?

All aboard the vomit express.

Come on, come on,answer the frickin' phone.

If we could get off our phones,please.

Ivy's mum.Oh, yeah, cool.

LADY ON THE PHONE:Hello, are you there?

Yeah, hi I'm ringing abouta Velux window fitting.

Excuse me.

Is that's someone's child?

Whose child is this?

Everyone, wait in line.We are not boarding yet.

Miss Vaughn, can you get that boyout of the luggage hold?

I'm claustrophobic.

Oi!

Out, please.

Sorry, what's Danny doing here?

Um, I'm just the teaching assistant.

Sorry. Mrs Lamb?

Um, yeah, that boy Dannywho just went on the bus,

he's not supposed tobe on the field trip.

Is he not? No.

Right, um, it's just that we'rea bit pushed for time, so...

Danny's mum?

Did you see that, mate? The babyracist just got on the coach.

Yeah, I know, don't worry.

Right, uh, she says she's appealingit, so single file, please.

One, two, three...

Um...

What? Yeah, right, um, yeah,eight, nine, ten...

Uh, excuse me, I'll take thatlaser pen, thank you, Talisha.

Um, that's 15, 16, 17.

Look, if you feel you don't wantto go on the trip,

I can process a full refund, uh...

No, no, no,I don't want Jade to miss the...

I don't want to prevent Jadefrom going on the trip

just because the school haven'tgot their act together.

OK, that's all the kids,Miss Vaughn.

I'll do a sweep of the wheels.

I'm sorry,but this is not good enough.

It's a rockand a hard place situation, Mum.

The child received a thunder letter,

What's that, a quotefrom Nelson Mandela?

Look, I'm sorry, Mum,but we really need to get going.

Sick bags.

Sick bags.

What's wrong with you?Did you not hear?

Oh, God.

It's like The Shining.

That little twonk who was meanto Jade was let on the coach.

You're joking? He's on here?Mm-hm.

Why hasn't he been humanelythrown down a well?

It's this bloody school,they can barely cope with missing

blazers let alonesomething like this.

The school's a joke shop,an Ofsted-rated joke shop.

No, it really winds me up.

And if you break the rules,there should be zero tolerance.

Don't just sweep it underthe carpet.

Yeah. I blame Dominic Cummings.Why?

I blame him for everything.He's a dick.

You're not allowed to sit together.

Hop it, please.Go on.

Uh, excuse me, Mum,we need this seat.

Ah, hello, you're there.Lovely jubbly.

Yes. Yeah, I've got a pen.

Yep, no probs.

Bollocks, I haven't got a pen.

Have you got a pen?

Yes, I'm here.

Oh, yeah.

You need to write this down.

Get some paper.

Is that Danny's mum?Do you want me to have a word?

I'll tell her to get off the coachif you want. I don't give a shit.

Yes.

It's a Velux GGL.Hey!

UK04.

And that's...that's the part Ineed, is it?

No, I don't need the whole unit,just the fitting.

Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, my God, she's hung up on me.

Cut us off, mate.

Yo, Amanda! Yo!

Amanda!Oh, uh.

Oh, hey.I did it.

Passed my driving...

I passed my driving test, Amanda.

Oh. I just did a doughnut in thatback bit of the B&Q car park

to celebrate.

Would you like a lift anywhere?You could be my virgin passenger.

Uh, I'm going to go toa car wash in a bit.

I actually could really use somehelp packing up my shop, Kevin.

Oh, OK, my offer was a bitmore car-based, but...

Thank you.

Just pull in here, it'd be great.

Thank you, Kevin.

Oh, Jesus, mate, they stink.

What flavour are they?Cheese and anus?

Why are you having your lunch now?It's not even 10.00?

Did you know that Fishbourne isthe largest Roman villa

north of the Alps?

She looks like any normal mum.

It's so weird.

Well, what do you expect herto look like? Charles Manson?

Katie Hopkins?

She does looka bit like Katie Hopkins.

Talking about the mum?Yeah.

Danny, her kid, once pulledIvy's shorts down in PE.

I really fantasisedabout shitting him up,

like getting totally into his faceand just fucking him up for life.

I've fantasised about waterboardingToby Warner in year four.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that little psychopath.

So what goes on the coachstays on the coach, yeah?

No further.

Oh, what now?

Right, everyone remain seated.

Fingers on lips, please.

What's going on?Slight technical issue.

Oh, are you going to sort it?Or is it our responsibility now?

Why have we stopped? Are we here?

ALL: We're here!

Bums on seats, please.

We are not here yet.

Everyone sit down.

Careful with those, Kevin, please.

Ah!

One hour's time hyggetygge.orgis officially live-a-live-o.

It's a good job I drove by,isn't it?

You'd have your work cut outdoing all this lot alone.

I'm not alone, Kevin.Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, yeah.

Are you all right about allthis, Amanda?

It must be hard havinga business fail.

Kevin, I'm not failing.

If anything,I'm a victim of my own success.

The forecast website trafficvastly outnumbers any physical

footfall,hence my tactical pivot online.

Uh, I don't know anything aboutanything you're talking about,

but it sounds mighty exciting.

It is.

58 minutes.

Quiet please, everyone.

Um, all hold a bubble in your mouth.

Like, like, pretend there's a bubblein there.

She said hold a bubble in yourmouth.

Oh, hi.

Hello, yes, no.

So, um, according to Garry Yates,my lovely builder, um,

he's very much in the system.

Oh, it, it's Garry with two Rs.

Yes, absolutely,it makes a difference.

It's much softer, sexy,super more sound.

No, I...

No, I want the Velux UK04 in white.

She's still eyeballing us.

Hmm. Oh, shit she's coming.She's coming over.

She's coming up the aisle.What do we say to her?

Nothing, babe, just leave it.

Uh, no. No, thank you, love, I don'twant to be transferred to accounts,

no, I've made a promise to,um, my builder, Garry,

and I don't want to breakthat promise, so...

OK, fine,I'll be transferred to accounts.

Hi, is anyone actually doinganything about the heating

because it's freezingback there?

I don't know. I'm justthe teaching assistant, so...

Ooh, sorry, that's Garrytrying to get through now.

That's... I'm just going to...

Just...just one sec, that, that,that's Garry now,

I'm just going to take that.

Hi! Hi, Garry.

How's it going?

Garry? Garry?Oh, f...

Hello? Hi, yeah...

Hello? Hello?

Frickin' well cut us off, mate.

Have you farted?

She'll have to say something now.

Here we go.

Oh, the balls on that.

Oh, seriously, Liz, just leave it.

It's not worththe steam off my piss.

I'll give her one last snide eye.

Oh, damn,I accidentally winked at her.

I feel like everything in my lifehas been leading up to this,

hyggetygge.org.

Just looking back.

My time as a hostess in Val d'Isere,front of house in Bibendum,

That was me in my element.

Just being a people person.

Fuck sake, Kevin!

I'm so sorry, Amanda.Sorry.

Oh, where's the dustpan?

Oh, my God, look!

These must be left overfrom the opening.

Ah.

Oh, look.

I think the most anyoneever got was two.

Oh, my God, it's time to launch.

Kevin, it's time to launch.

Uh, OK.

Um, hyggetygge.orggoing live in five...

Four...

Shh.

Three...

Two...

One...

We have lift off.

Yay!

There you go.

Well, I thinkthat calls for a celebration.

Shall we have a toast?Crack open your champers?

Sure.

Yeah, uh, why not?

I don't think I've gotany flutes or coupes.

How about these?

They're stem vases, Kevin.

Yeah, sure.Um.

Oh!

Uh.

OK.

Here we go.

Aw.Better hair.

The best hair.

Can I quote you on that?Obviously not using your name.

It would be an honour.

Oh.

Time for Operation Lollipop.

Bouncers use this to keep peoplequiet at chucking out time.

You do the back. I'll do the front.

Oh, my God, it would've beenquicker just to drive up to the

wholesalers, kidnap them alland get the part!

Mind you, that might've reallyimpressed Garry, so...

Oh, my God, I've run out of charge.

No, I'm expecting a call.

Taylor, I need to borrow your phone,mate.

Just five minutes, yeah?

Hand it over.

Just quickly.Please?

I just need to borrow it quickly.

OK, what's that number again?

but, truth be told, this placewas a bit of a lifeline for me

when I split up with Johnny,you know,

just running a lifestyle boutiquegave me a reason to live

between 11 and three every day,apart from weekends and Wednesdays.

Not to mention the fun you'vebrought to the area.

I do worry about that, Kevin,actually.

I mean, where else are people goingto get candle cages locally?

Well, my hats are off to you,professionally and privately.

I only hope that my divorceis half as good as yours.

Thank you.

What is it they say?You go for it, lady.

Top-up?

Hmm.

Hit me.

Another lollipop? There you go.

Another lollipop.

Excuse me. Excuse you from what?

I'm sorry, is there an issue?

Yeah, there is an issue, actually.

You're on this coach andyou shouldn't be on this coach.

Oh, I don't know whatyou're talking about.

Oh, please, you do.

You know what your kid saidto my mate's kid.

Really? Well, I think you shouldtell your friend

that I think her kid, Jade,is a little liar.

Now, if you'll excuse me,I'm going for a piss.

Hey.

Oh!

I used to be able topop 12 corks a minute

when I ran the Bollingertent at Twickenham.

I'll get my driving gloves.

Oh!

That's the ticket.

Hmm.

Do you ever think,how did it come to this?

I'm barely in my late thirties,I've got two amazing kids

and a burgeoning lifestyle brandand, I don't know,

I still feel overwhelmedby the next step.

Ah, why am I telling you this?

No, no, no, go, go, go on, Amanda.

I'm all ears.

Sometimes I think,"Am I cut out for this?

"Do I have what it takes?"

I know from the outsideit looks like I've got it all -

the teeth, the glutes,the personality, but on the inside,

I still feel like the tall,gawky teenager who couldn't

fit in the bucket seatsof their dad's sports car.

Amanda, are you kidding me?

Sorry.

You can do anythingyou put your mind to.

You're a strong,

independent woman who doesn'tlisten to the haters, just

goes out there, gets what shedeserves and, and F that sports car.

You can't helphaving really long legs.

I can't.You're go-getting.

I'm sorry, Amanda,you've got it going on.

You radiate success.

You're confident, well turned out,always smell clean,

you're a mother, business lady,feminist icon.

If my girls grow up like you,I will be a very proud father.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't realise that itwouldn't take tampons.

If I have to listen to Travisone more time.

I just... I feel so helpless,Liz, being on hold at the mercy

of some woman in a call centrecalled Denise.

Think I've really messedup this time.

Sorry. I mean, why am I getting my

knickers in a twist about a windowfitting?

I just don't want to let Garry down.

Oh, hiya, Denise.

Denise?

That was a cry for help.

Nobody can ever find out, OK?

Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

It was a horrible, horrible mistakethat should never have happened.

Yeah, abs...

Absolutely, absolutelywith you on that one.

Couldn't agree more.

No, no, leave them on.

I'm sorry,we need to stay on the coach.

Oi, you, Charlie's mum.

I just got the phone tothe school and I've reported you

You're the one who's 'king gross.

What's it even got to do with you?

It's like you're so desperate toprove to everyone how PC you are.

I'm not trying to prove anythingexcept that you're a total prick.

Uh, excuse me,

this is not how we should bespeaking to one another, Mums.

This woman insulted my childin front of the entire coach.

I'm escalating it.

You already escalated it when youstarted this in front of the kids.

Who does that?

Uh, time out, please, Mums, we needto be getting back on the coach.

What are you doing here?Who's minding the kids?

Why don't you just apologise?

SHOUTING

Yes, mate, they're going to sendthrough the parts.

Result!

Garry is going to be pumped.

Hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa,

I'm going to hang on to that, I'mwaiting for an email confirmation.

ALL SHOUTING

What the fuck are you all doing?

I'm dealing with this, thank you,Mum.

No, you're not dealing with it.

That's the point.

You're all just shoutingat each other in a ditch.

God, it's like Twitter.

I'm just sticking up for you.

I know, babe,and I love you so much for it,

but I just needed you to listento me when I said don't poke

the hornet's nest. Please,don't poke the hornet's nest.

And Mrs Lamb,this is about the kids after all.

All I needed was for my daughterto feel like the school's got

her back, and asfar as safeguarding goes,

this school is about as effectiveas a shit in a sink.

Guys, what's going on?What's the goss, kicking off?

No, please, this is notthe Daily Mail side bar of shame.

You can't just dip in andout for shits and giggles, OK?

Yeah?Soz. It's OK.

Oh, flip the shit!Part's out of stock!

Sorry, excuse me,nothing to say to me, Jade's mum?

Because your mate's got a lotto say to me,

or does she justdo your dirty work for you?

Do you just wind her up,do you and let her go?

I don't even know what this is...

Hi.Yes, this is she.

Sorry, can you just hang on amoment?

Hi.

No, it's a good time.

Yes. Did you see what she just did?

Oh, my God!

Jesus tonight!

Right, we're off.

And no more singing!

KIDS: Yeah!

Kev, what happened?

Nothing. What? N...

I've done nothing at all.I've done nothing.

Driving test, Kev.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've passed.Ah, well done!

Look at my gloves.

Um, how, um, how was it?Uh, how was...

Did you see the dolphin mosaic?

Oh, we didn't get there.

Bloody coach broke down.

But I did get the all-clear.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Fantastic, Meg!

Yay, Meggy!

Take it to your grave, Kevin.

Roger that.

Ivy's mum, a word.

Taylor's mum has made a complaint.

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