Original subtitles

As difficult as this time is,

it's 0nly by complying with the guidelines -

combing, shamp00ing,

combing again,

that we can reduce the chance of these nits spreading.

I'm now going to hand you over to 0ur expert from the Lice P0- Lice,

Laura Tumley. Thank you, Janet,

and I am pleased to say that there is some indication

that nit curve is starting to plateau.

Can we go to the next slide, please?

As you can see, this is 0ur bor0ugh here. We're doing really...

I tve actually never had nits. Oh, my God, if I was a nit,

I 'd be all over your head like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

...going to hand out some leaflets in a second about that.

Thank you, Laura.

We can take some questions.

Er, yes, Darius' mum?

What's the sch00l doing to protect against the spread?

If we find a live case, the child's table will be isolated.

They're sent home until they've all been treated.

Next question, please.

Don't be a dick.

We want to go home.

Yep, here. It's about the grannies, real*.

Um, I have my mother living with me, albeit temporari*,

I 'd like to stress that. Do I have to do her as wel*

Yeah. Er, grandparent hair is thinner, and basically dead,

s0 they're less at risk, but we do still advise keeping your distance.

So you're recommending, according to the science,

that I should ask my mother to move out?

Er...

Erm...

That's all we have time for.

Laura does 0ffer a nit blitz shamp00ing service

if you're interested.

Thank you. Yes, I have some leaflets here. Cheers.

Jeez! *30O for a shamp00 party?

Wh0's doing it? Vidal Sass00n?

Jesus Christ, just a couple of pidd* nits.

They're not even life-threatening. You can't die of nits.

You can die from nits, actually.

There was an 0ld woman in Kildare, and she scratched her head

s0 hard she made a hole in her skul* and some dirt got in it,

and it killed her. That's a harrowing limerick, Anne.

I like telling Lee he's got to get treated,

even when the kids haven't got lice.

I tell him he's got to leave it on for a week and sleep upright,

and he totally does. Dickhead.

J ill's always lice-free.

I think it's her scent.

She does eat a lot of turmeric.

Or maybe it's because she's never in the same r00m as you and the kids.

No, that's not entirely...

No, actually, you're right. She comes in from work,

and she's straight up that loft ladder like a chinchilla.

She loves that loft. It's basically...

What's the female equivalent of a man cave?

Panic r00m?

Hey, you know you could use this, Kev, to get close to J ill again.

Tell her she's got nits. You know, wash her hair.

Could be intimate, like Ghost.

Oh, it's a lovely idea, Liz, but J ill can't abide having her head touched.

Anything above the Adam's apple is a n0-go zone.

Yo, y0. All right, mateys?

Hey, nice hair, Gordon Geck0.

I was thinking more Sharon Stone, thanks.

You're l00king very smart, Elizabeth.

Yeah, I had a job interview in town.

Shoe shop. Ooh, you're getting a job?

Kids are at sch00l now, and I'm just sat at home, s0...

You're having a glow up. You what?

Oh, my God. Holly Willoughby was chatting about this on This Morning.

Basically, you have three glow ups in your life.

It's like a life upgrade.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose I am having a glow job.

I'm going to have a massive glow spurt when my mum moves out.

I mean, I love her and everything, she's my mum,

but I can't wait for her to eff off back to her own place.

Oh, she's s0 brave, your mum.

Oh, g00dness, she's not brave, Kevin. No, she's got a little

heart thing which means she fal* over wil* nil*.

I mean, that's not bravery, that's just a hea*h condition.

I mean, if anyone's brave, I'm brave.

I'm the brave one, I've let her use my bedroom and my en-suite.

I'm having to slum it in the fami* bathroom

with my disgusting children.

Uh-0h. Here comes Evil Elsa and her pet snowman.

Hello! Uh- huh.

Whatts going on here?

Hmm? With the... With the n0...

Like, er... Yes. Oh, no,

I, erm, I treated us last ha*-term. Full Monty.

Kids, the toys, the pillows, Paul.

Right, cos you cantt just do it six weeks ag0

and hope for the best, J ulia.

I hate to agree with Amanda, but that's like saying

" I t00k the pill 0nce, how can I possibly be pregnant?"

Wow, g00dness, these nits, real* not my priority.

I'm, you know, I'm busy working, caring for the children,

attending to my mother's sick* needs.

You should all thank your lucky stars I've treated us at all.

Oh, God, Bill doesntt l00k his normal se*.

What do you think it is? Do you reckon he's ill?

What's that? Wh0's il* Bill.

Do you think Bill's il* Kev?

We should ask your J il* see if she thinks Bill's ill.

I don't think J ill's met Bill.

Hello, mate. All right, creeps?

And Kevin.

Oh, I see you've all been showering in Castrol GTX.

Someone hasn't.

It's a bit Stasi round here, isn't it?

Bill all right, Meg?

Yeah, why? We were just thinking he l00ks a bit -

please dontt take this the wrong way - absolutely awful.

Yeah, he's fine.

He's just got his period.

Oh, thank God. That is some g00d news.

Oh, are you all right, Anne?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Anne!

It's just the thought of Bill. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just... Oh. I'm crying all the time now.

I cried at You've Been Framed when a man fell over at a wedding.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Sounds like the baby blues.

You need a bit of me time.

Wel* not me time. You time.

Anne time.

Kevin, go away. Yep.

Daddy's here.

Let me get you a biscuit or something.

Let me get you some biscuit and a... Cake. A cake.

Yeah. Cake and a couple of biscuits.

All right, Lee? Nitty Nora time again.

Oh, what? You'll have to treat any 0ther p00r fuckers

you're sleeping with and all. Uh- huh.

Don't get it on your hands, or it'll burn through to the bone.

Bl00dy hel* l00k, I can't take another week off!

Some people do have work, you know!

Yeah, wel* I'm sure the Leg0 factory will understand.

Oi, Charlie said you had some sort of interview.

Oh, go on, say what you have to say. No, no, no. Good for you,

I hear the job market's crying out for arsey greasy Northerners.

Fuck 0ff, Lee. What was the job, anyway? Chip shop?

Go0dbye, prick. Brylcreem factory? Lard farm?

Here, listen, tell me if you get it so I can adjust my child support.

What, you mean start paying it?

Er, I've b00ked J ill and I lunch at that pop- up raclette place.

It's like fondue, but you can dip meat int0 it.

Or eggs.

Nothing says romance like hot cheese dribbled on an egg.

J ill still blue- balling you, then, mate?

J ulia! No, gosh,

if it's any consolation, Paul and I have been celibate

since Mother moved in. It turns out listening to a pensioner cough

through a stud wall is a total turn-off.

Wel* I think a relationship can survive without intercourse.

I ntimacy takes many forms.

A kind word, the brush of a fingertip,

listening to Radi0 4 together while I scrub the hob.

My relationship with Sam the shepherd

is entirely based on intercourse.

If you t00k out the intercourse, it's just alcoh0l and a caravan.

Ivy's mum. Oh, shit.

A word.

Ivy's combed positive for nits,

s0 I'm going to need you to keep her 0ff sch00l.

Non possible, I have to take Mother to the hospital tomorrow.

Same for Rosie and Charlie and all of topaz table.

Hold on, you can't do this.

Sorry, what is this about Manus being 0ff sch00l?

I n line with sch00l nit policy, your children will need to be

kept 0ff until they've had a full course of hair treatment.

I did mine last night! Smell my scalp.

My whole house stinks like a petrol pump.

Yes, wel* you're all going to have to treat your children again.

Thanks a lot, J ulia. Whoa, whoa!

I was not necessari* the super spreader.

Patient zer0 could be your kid, Anne's kid.

No, n0, n0. It can't be Darius.

We actually use nit shamp00 as everyday shamp00 now

as a preventative measure. I ...

And as a body wash.

And as a laundry liquid. And I know itts not Manus,

cos I actually wash my childrents hair, J ulia.

Actual*, Amanda, it's a well- known fact that nits thrive in clean hair.

Yeah, well, itts well- known fact

thatts actually a well- known myth, J ulia. Yeah, well...

Yeah.

Hey, guys! Can anyone take Ivy tomorrow?

It's 0n* nits.

Kev!

Don't. That's a dead giveaway, mate.

Why?!

Let's go.

So you know I tm not one to pry, but I was out last night doing my 5k,

when I saw Bill crying as he was putting the bins out.

MUFFLED: Did you check he was OK?

Youtre spraying, Anne.

So I think there might be some kind of trouble in paradise.

Hm. I mean, it figures, hets s0 much 0lder than her.

Meg has some strong sexual energy.

Hm. put it this way, I wouldntt blame her for eating out

if what shets got is s0 close to its sell- by date.

Really putting a dent in those digestives, Anne.

Hm. Are you eating your feelings?

Anne, if youtre depressed, there is n0 shame in it.

No, I'm not depressed. Itts actually almost c00l to be mental now.

Show me a celeb that isntt on some kind of selective serot0nin

reuptake inhibitors! No, I'm not depressed.

I'm actually pregnant.

What? Mm.

Anne, are you kidding? Mm- mm.

Youtre pregnant? Mm- hm.

But youtve just had one. Mm- hm.

Oh, my God.

Who does that? Mm.

But, l00k, please don't tell a soul. No.

Because I haven't even told Mammy yet, s0... No, n0, n0, n0, n0.

You know me, last word in discresh.

Who would I even tell?

No, Gina, that's not a problem.

Erm, I'm sure I can get it to you.

Can we go to the park now? Erm, yep.

Er, I'll do that now and, and send it over, er, in a PDF at lunch, OK?

Oh, n0, but you're supposed to be helping me pack.

OK, thank you, Gina. Bye.

I need a lie-down.

How can a quick trip to the hospital tire me out?

Should've asked your consu*ant about my head lice.

She was a neurol0gist, J ulia.

Wel* it's all heads, isn't it? Same, same.

Could you watch Ivy for me?

No, n0.

OK, park it is then, love.

Manus!

Gina, hi.

You didn't get it? Gosh, that's weird, I absolute* did send it.

Erm, just, erm, give me your email again.

I'm just, erm, typing it in now.

OK. That's going to be with you by the end of play time today.

Yes, OK.

All right, Gina, bye now.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, s0 we're unclean.

She's disgusting. Deal with it!

Like an angry purple sleeping bag.

Yeah, wel* honest*, Liz, it's ridiculous.

I'm a stay-at- home dad,

I'm used to being treated like a turd in the swimming p00l.

I mean, come on. Grow up!

Charlie and Max've been uninvited from Manus' trampoline party.

My girls t00. Oh, soz about that, guys.

Your kids have been uninvited t00.

Eh? What? No.

G... No, I real* need that Saturday.

I'm moving Mum out of my house!

Amanda!

Distance, please.

Hey, team topaz table.

So we're all in it together.

I tm only in it because you put me in it, thank you.

You're welcome. So, let's talk Manus' party.

Cancelled. I couldntt live with myse* if I brought this infestation

to Trampoline Land.

Most of the class pulled out when they heard about the nits.

J ulia, youtve set off a chain of catastrophic events,

the repercussions of which will ech0 down for years to come.

Eh?! Like what? Well, like, when someone asks Manus,

ttWhat did you do for your 11th birthday?tt, he will

have to say, tt Nothing,tt because somebodyts mummy dropped the ball.

And what human remembers what they did for their "th birthday?

What did you do on your 11th birthday?

I was working down the mine, like every 0ther year.

I went go- karting in a tractor.

Think of the kids, the kiddies, their sad faces.

You shouldtve thought about them, J ulia, before you allowed

this tragedy to unfurl. Anne, come on, letts go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Yes. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa. Back up with your nits.

Yes. Let's not let 0ur emotions get in the way of practicalities,

because, real*, we should all be sticking together.

I know, I can b00k, erm,

I can b00k a nit blitz party.

Yeah? Today, tom0rrow?

Nah. Tomorrow.

You can get all the infected children and infected, erm, parents.

We'll hire the, er, P0- Lice lady and we'll just, you know,

smash the shit out of these nits.

Be lots of g00d fun. At yours, Kevin?

J ill'd go nuts.

Don't even think about it.

C00* yeah, I'm c00l to host, so that's good.

Are you in? I tll think about it, J ulia.

All-you-can-eat crisps, Anne?

That does sound like fun, actually.

Yeah, s0 it's your basic one-way system,

we come through the hall int0 the kitchen for your de-lousing,

and then we move on through into the sitting room

for your drink and nibble reward.

It's like Ryanair, but with b00ze and snacks,

and somewhere to sit.

Yeah, one or tw0 hours tops, and then we're back on track,

back to sch00* Manus party on.

So, tell me, Laura, how does one get int0 the nit business?

Well, I used to work in an STD clinic, actually.

Oh, right, s0 you started with crabs and worked your way up?

Right, teas and coffees. Let's get on.

Teabags. Teabags, t...

Mother, where are the teabags?

Wel* in my house, I keep them in the cupboard above the kettle,

where they should be.

OK, so, shall we do you first, my love?

Get you out of the way?

Oh, yeah. Get me out of the way.

Can I just check, are you allergic to kerosene, my love?

No.

And even if I was, I couldn't care less.

Kev, is it J ill?

Can you just keep your head still, my love? Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I popped up the loft to suggest we share a sensual bath

and nit shamp00, and she said she didn't want a bath or nit shamp00,

she wanted a divorce.

What? Shit.

Oh, Kevin! Why?

You name it. My night breathing, mainly.

And the way I chew and the way I laugh

and the way I dry my legs after I've had a bath.

It turns out J ill just doesn't like me, full stop.

She's a dick.

Kevin, you are one of the best guys I know.

"Till death do us part" my arsehole.

Divorce, seriously! I don't want to be a divorcee.

J ill was s0 cold about it.

Listen, Kev...

Oh, I tell Paul I want a divorce every birthday and Christmas.

He just tel* me to shut my cake hole.

So what you're saying is I should go back there

and fight for her?

Erm...yes, OK, yeah.

Yes, yes.

Yes, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do that.

I'm going to go back up that loft and tell her how much I love her.

Maybe wipe that liquid shit 0ff your head first.

Itts got to stay on an hour and a ha*.

I'll be back by five to get the girls.

Ooh, er, I wouldntt wear that.

That stuff eats through polystyrene.

Thanks, love. Next mum, please.

Coming through. Hey, mate, who put the fun in infestation?

I'll have that. Aw, you l00k like a shiny little conker. Brilliant.

Oh, excuse me, you are not adhering to the one way system.

Back, go back, back, back, back, back.

Go0dness. I didn't hear anything about that stupid shoe shop job.

That doesn't mean you haven't got it, love.

It was probably the hair. It did l00k a bit Trainspotting.

Hey, mate, if they can't handle you at your worst,

then they don't deserve you at your best.

Not sure that rule applies to job interviews.

DOORBELL Rl NGS Oh!

Mother.

Coming!

Anne, Amanda, hi!

Let me just, er, sorry, one sec.

Right, OK, let's get you in.

Guys, wetre not here to party, wetre here to get treated

and get the hell out, OK? Wham, bam, thank you the lady from that van.

Anne, would you like a drink, my love*?

Oh, n0, thank you, n0.

Annets pregnant.

Eh? Dontt tell a soul.

Oh, look who it is.

Wow! That's committed.

Hey, Meg.

Bill. Hey. Wow, look at you.

Loving the grade one, oh, so cool.

I would totally shave my head, but loads of people love my hair,

so, you know, wouldntt want to do that to them.

Bill, how are you? Hm.

Haventt seen you for ages.

Amanda, re Manus' party, shall we focus in on Saturday? Er...

Can I just get some more towels, my love?

Er, just in a minute,

I'm just in the middle of something right now.

Oh, look who it is. Marion! So brave.

So brave, Marion. So brave. So, s0 brave.

Not brave, not brave.

No, the real her0's J ulia, you know, taking me in

and nursing me back to health.

But I'm moving back home this weekend.

Ah. Yeah, Saturday. The removal van is booked.

So...

Assuming we're al* erm, clean and clear on the old, erm,

Manus party on?

Well, I guess if wetre ALL getting treated then...

...yeah, it can go ahead.

Thattll be nice. Oh, great, thatts g00d news.

Yes. Phew!

Yeah. Towe*.

PHONE Rl NGS

Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs Paterson's daughter.

Hello, doctor!

Yes, erm, she's, er, absolute*, erm, raring to go,

all packed up ready to go home at the weekend,

s0 that's fabby dabby d00.

Sorry, what? What?

Sorry, when you say...

When you say she can't live independent*,

do you mean we need to find a husband or get her a pet or, erm...?

I mean, I could definite* pop in twice a week to make checks

or we can install a panic button, so that's...

Whoa!

Shall we just, erm, shall we just mull over for a moment?

We don't want to make any hasty decisions.

OK, s0 that's, erm, that's conclusive, is it?

Yes, OK. Thank you, doctor.

Yes, bye now.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

Bill!

Sorry, Bil* I didn't... I didn't know you were in here.

I just found out that I'm stuck with my mother and she's going to

have my bedr00m and my en-suite forever.

SHE WAl LS

Hi, Bill.

Kev.

You've got a Bailey's moustache.

Wel* at least I hope it's Bailey's.

Can you think of the worst thing that could happen,

and then double it?

I can actually, Kevin. I, erm,

God, I have had... I've done something s0 bad.

What? You don't want to know.

I'm s0 effed up.

Oh, J ill. J ill.

Don't touch me! I'm a pig.

I know it was 0nly a part-time job, but I really wanted it.

Maybe it's going out to see Sam on the farm.

Just made me realise there's more to life, you know, than nits

and phonics and worrying how much Netflix my kids watch.

Is it 0fficial that you haven't gotten it, babe?

Maybe n0 news is just n0 news. Nah, mate. No news is ghosting.

I didn't get the job.

Have you ever thought about Greggs, Liz?

Anne worked there. How long did you work at Greggs, Anne?

Oh, erm, n0, I never worked at Greggs, n0.

I was Head of Product Development at GlaxoSmithKline worldwide.

Oh. Why do I always think you worked at Greggs?

Are you sure? Erm...

I cantt picture you working in an 0ffice, Anne.

I see you handling cakes and puffs.

Not that I tve been in a Greggs before. Really not Greggs?

Yeah, I've been there 0nce or twice, but, erm, more as a customer, yeah.

LAURA: OK, my dear. Oh, that's me, I'm up. Excuse me.

So weird.

Hey, girl. How you doing?

I'm fine, thanks.

Yeah, I tm doing well, you know, stronger, fitter, humbler.

I mean, itts been a tough olt year for me,

with the D-O-V- I - R-C- E, but I have grown a lot,

and, word from the wise,

you think you are not going to get through this, but you totally are.

Erm, sorry, what are we talking about here?

You and Bill. Oh, right, yeah.

Poor old Kevints going through it as well. The nit lady told me.

I dontt know, I guess itts the life stage wetre all at.

Also, Annets pregnant.

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