Original subtitles

Popcorn!

Pancake flour.

Didn't do much good winnin' the new house, Ma. How's that?

Three bathrooms and I still can't get in.

You got to expect that when you got 15 kids.

We should have had less kids and more bathrooms.

Wash up afteryou finish milkin' the cow.

All right, Ma.

[Timer Rings]

Hi, Bossie.

[Thumps Chair]

JJ_'[ Radio, “Tlger Rag“]

[Thumps Chair] [Radio Stops]

Wrong station.

[ Radio] It's 6:15, and KMAF, the farmer's station...

presents “Music to Milk By.“

Science has proved that the relaxed cow gives more milk.

Here's a musical medley to give your cow that contented feeling.

♪♪ [ “The Blue Danube“]

£3

Here's a letter for you...

from the Bubble-Ola Company.

Must be about my winning that free trip to New York.

Go ahead and open it.

All right, if you're sure you don't mind.

“Dear Mr. Kettle: Confirming our telegram of the 16th,

“enclosed are your rail road tickets to New York.

“A reservation has been made for you at the Waldorf-Astoria.

“Congratulations again...

“on winning the big Bubble-Ola letter contest.

“Your envy on Why! Like Bubble-Ola...

“was a sincere and magnificent tribute to our product.

“I'm looking forward to meeting you and your charming wife personally.

“Very truly yours, 1.]. Schumacher,

“Vice Pres.

“RS. On rereading your flattering letter,

“the stockholders voted to send you an additional prize:

“a ten-year supply of Bubble-Ola...

for each and every member of your family.“

A ten-year supply!

I don't know what we're gonna do with the stuff. 'Tain't fit for drinkin'.

Wonder what it is good for. Don 't rightly/mow

Was gonna write and tell 'em how bad it was...

but I found out they don't give prizes for that.

Too bad we can't take that trip.

How's that? Can't go?

Ain't nobody'll stay with the kids.

I tried to tell 'em they ain't really wild... just growin'.

Now, Ma, ain't no need to apologize for our kids.

All 15 are chips off the old block.

Any more chips, there won't be any more old block.

Sure would have had a whoop-de-doo in New York.

Could've seen Tom and Kim too.

What's it say, Ma?

Beginning tonight, they're gonna stop ringin' the 9:00 curfew bell.

'Bout time!

I always said it was wakin' up too many people.

Hmm. They haven't caught that bank robber, Shotgun Munger,

who stole $100,000. You don't say?

They think he's headin' out this way.

Got all the roads blocked.

Oughta put up a towel rack, Ma.

Ain't nobody stoppin' ya.

Well... maybe after breakfast.

I'll have to go up to the old house and get some tools.

Sure would like to have seen New York. Sit down, Pa.

Breakfast!

[Children Chattering, Shouting]

Much obliged.

Hold it!

P.S. If you can see your way clear for Ma and me to take the trip,

much obliged again.

There you are.

All right. I'll go get the milk.

Pa, why are you puttin' ketchup on your cakes?

It comes out easier.

[Crunching]

[ Indistinct Bang]

[ Chickens Clucking]

[Barking]

Anybody home? Anybody home?

Hey'.!

Shoo. Shoo!

Ahh.

Ahh.

[whimpering]

[ Barks]

[Snoring]

Howdy.

Who are you?

Pa Kettle.

What's your game?

I don't mind checkers now and then if the stakes ain't too high.

Cut it! What do you want?

Excuse me for disturbing you,

but I own this house and-- Oh.

I was taking a nap. I've been driving all night and I've got a flat.

I figured you saw the sign and wanted to rent the place.

Rent this? Let me show you around.

It's very livable.

Yeah, if you happen to be a cockroach.

You can see for yourself it's airy,

roomy, mighty comfortable.

Make yourself to home.

You must be hungry, Mr.-

Uh,jones.

What brings you up our way, Mnjones?

Well, you see, I'm a, uh--

I'm a... apoet.

I came up here to get away from it all. A poet?

I thought you might be a traveling salesman.

Lot of them visit farms, you know.

I heard stories about that.

What kind of poetry you write?

Well, the regular kind. Oh.

Like what? 'jackandjill went up a hill--“

That's a mighty well-known poem. You write that?

To be honest, on that poem I had to cut another guy in.

Oh. Well, there ain't nothing to eat here.

Come down to the new place and Ma'll fix something for ya.

No, no time. I'm headin' up north,

someplace where I can hide out.

And write.

I need peace and quiet.

Plenty of peace and quiet around here.

Where you from? New York.

I won a free trip to New York, but I can't go.

You see, I-- I got a tire that needs changin'.

Lemme give you a hand.

I got a son in New York, Tom Kettle.

Maybe you heard of him?

There's eight million people in New York, Pop. It's Pa.

Sure would like to go to New York. I ain't stoppin' ya.

Can't. Got nobody to watch the kids. That's too bad.

What's the name of this town, Pop? It's Pa.

This here's Cape Flattery.

How far are you from a city? Seattle?

That's a hundred miles away.

Not bad.

I was thinkin' ofwritin' a poem about a small town. This may be the place.

Tell me about the... the birds,

the trees, the grass, the police department.

Got much of a police department? just a sheriff.

Course he only works part time.

I think I know how you can go to New York, Pop. it's Pa.

I'll stay at your house, write me poetry and watch the kids.

You can go to New York with Mom. It's Ma.

Oh, the kids'll bother you. Nah, I love kids.

As far as I'm concerned, this is a perfect setup,

Pa.

Thanks, son.

I don't like it.

How can we leave our kids in the hands of a stranger?

How can we leave a stranger in the hands ofour kids?

It's him or nobody, Ma. We don't know a thing about this Mnjones.

Well, I'm a pretty good judge of character,

and that boy has an honest face if ever I saw one.

Take another look.

All he needs is a shave.

Take a lawn mower to shave him.

What's his business? He's a poet.

A Poet!

An honest to goodness poet stayin' at my house!

Why didn't you say so?

I'm Ma, Mnjones.

A pleasure, madam. You're even prettier than your picture.

That's Kim, my daughter-in-law.

You could fool me anytime!

Pa says you're a poet.

Why, I, uh-- I dabble at it.

I don't know much about poetry, but I used to recite a poem for the kids.

I don't know whether I remember it or not. Well, go on, try.

“Tom, Torn, the piper's son stole a pig- ♪ A heistjob.

“Tom, Torn, the piper's son stole a pig and away he run.”

Took it on the lam? No, Mary had the lamb. This was a pig.

“The pig was eat and Tom was beat. And Tom went- ♪

Now, where did he go? Up the river?

No, it wasn't up any river.

Maybe he went to the rock.

No, it wasn't any rock. Oh, I know.

“The pig was eat and Tom was beat.

And Tom went marching down the street.“

Gee, I like that. I'm glad you do.

It's got a moral: “Crime don't pay.“

Now, get this, Louie. They're leaving for New York tomorrow.

I'm givin' them the bag with the hundred Gs in it.

Don't worry, they're square. [ Doorbell Chiming]

Hold on, Louie.

I have your monthly quota of Bubble-Ola. Bring it in.

Where'll I put it? Right here. Anywhere's all right.

They check into the Waldorf on Saturday.

With their kissers, nobody'll suspect they're carrying the stuff.

Shotgun, ain't this risky? They may be smarter than they look.

They'd have to be.

I'm sending a snapshot so you'll recognize them.

We gotta take this chance.

New York is the only place we can shove the hot money.

Suppose Kettle opens the bag. Then what?

He won't. I'm a good judge of character,

and this ol' boy has an honest face if I've ever seen one.

Call me the minute you get the bag. Ow!

What happened?

What a collection of brats!

These people are raising their own reform school. Now, Louie--

You--

Howdy!

Run along and play, little one.

I'd sooner drink D.D.T.

So, good-bye, dear brother Louie.

And don't forget to take me poetry books back to the library.

Huh?

Well, they're overdue and it ain't nice...

to keep things that don't belong to us.

Hey, Shotgun, you all right?

[Motor Whirs]

Benjamin's underweight. No, George is underweight.

No, it's Sarah. Which one of you kids is underweight?

Me, Ma! Oh, Billy. Of course!

Be sure he gets plenty to eat.

And keep Rosie and Ted from fightin'.

Make sure the kids have a big breakfast before they go off to school.

Pa, I don't think we oughta go.

It's gonna be too much for Mnjones. You gotta go.

It's the first vacation you've ever had. Don't worry.

Leave everything to me. I won't take me eyes off'em for a minute.

Ow!

Ah, Willie! He's a rascal.

You gotta watch him. I sure will.

Come on, folks. Time to get aboard.

Come on, Pa.

Pa! Hey, Pa!

Howdy, Geoduck.

Howdy, Crowba r. Mm m.

Good-bye gift. It's a dandy.

Look inside.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

What's it for? Pa take to New York.

Buy back Manhattan Island... for us.

I see.

All aboard!

Uh, Ma, Pa. I promised to send this empty bag to me brother.

Doyou mind? Be glad to oblige.

Where'll we find him? He'll pick it up at the hotel.

[ Train Whistle Blowing]

All aboard!

Bye. Bye.

Al/aboard' Come on, Pa! You kids bring the bags.

[Whistle Blowing]

Don't hold much with trains underground.

Feel like a gopher when you come out.

[ P.A. Announcer, indistinct]

How 'bout a redcap, mister?

No, thanks. I'm a derby man myself.

Had this one 15 years.

Ma and Pa!

Oh, there's Kim!

Ma and Pa, how are you?

How are ya? You both look wonderful!

Where's Tom? He's trying to raise money for his incubator.

He'll meet us back at the hotel. Nice-lookin' city.

Pa, this is the station. Wait till you get outside.

Let me help you with your bags. All right.

[ Horn Honking] [ Woman] Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Hello, Mr. Masterson. Glad to see you back.

Roberts, I'm staying at the club tonight. Take the luggage.

Yes, sir. I'll tell Mrs. Masterson.

Cmon, Kim. Cmon, Pa.

You can see better up here, Ma.

Howdy.

Never mind, Pa. The bellhops'll take care of that.

I could've sworn I brought it.

I'll look in the lobby, sir. Was it tagged? It had Pa's name on it,

in care of the Waldorf-Astoria.

I'll check with Grand Central Station. That's mighty nice.

Oh, boy.

Thank you.

What'd you do that for? You owe the boy money?

That's a tip.

In New York, when people do things for you, you give them money.

Don't seem right.

Ma's always doing things for me, and I ain't had to give her a cent.

[ Doorbell Buzzes]

Don't stand there, Pa. Go ahead and answer the door.

I'm a friend of Louie's.

He sent me for the bag his brother give ya.

I don't have it. What?

Well, I, I-- They, uh-- What'd you say, Ma?

Our things haven't come from the station yet.

Yeah?

Well, I'll keep in touch with you.

I didn't have the heart to tell the boy we lost it.

Don't feel good about losin' somebody else's property.

- Was there anything valuable in it? - He said it was empty.

Ifit don't show up, we'll buy him another one.

Ma, that idea is a lulu!

Shouldn't be too hard to match.

Town as big as this must have a general store.

Looks just like the postcard Tom sent us.

Hello, Louie? Littlejoe.

Kettle got here, but the black bag didn't.

What? just like I said.

They tell me the bag ain't come from the station, but their room is full of luggage.

I warned Munger about this!

Kettle's trying to cut himself in. He's got to have that bag someplace.

Don't let him out of your sight. He's got the bag somewhere, and we're gonna get it!

Hello. How do you do?

Don't tell me. You're Ma and Pa Kettle.

Guess who I am. 1.]. Schumacher of the Bubble-Ola Company.

How do you like New York? Great city! No place on earth like it.

How'd you like your trip? I knew you'd like it.

How do you like these accommodations?

You can 5a y that again! There isn't a finersuite in the Waldorf-Astoria.

Is this all Bubble-Ola is gonna do for you? No sirree.

Have we got a program planned for you! And how!

You're going to the Rendezvous Room of the Plaza for dinner...

and back here to the Starlight Room for dancing.

You'll shop in the best stores on Fifth Avenue-- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Excuse me.

Come in. Put it right down there.

And pour it. Thank you, sir.

You'll see the best shows on Broadway, the ball game, Coney Island.

Are you gonna have fun? You bet you are.

Now, here's your schedule and your tickets.

How much is this gonna cost? Nothing. It's all on Bubble-Ola.

Know what this is? Bubble-Ola.

Took the liberty of ordering a toast.

There you are.

To the Kettles! Long may they wave!

Ahh! You have no idea what this does for your stomach.

What time is it?

Oh, gotta run! Busy man.

I'll see you later. Want to hear more about your trip.

Hey, do the Kettles live here? Oh, Tom!

Howdy, son. Hiya, Pa.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, hello, Ma! Bless your heart.

Let me look at you. You haven't changed a bit.

You think so? Well, I'd know you anywhere.

Oh, Tom!

Hello, Pa.

It sure is good to see you two.

Sure do things funny here.

Back home you couldn't keep a young married couple from kissin'!

Well.

Hmph!

I guess I have incubators on my mind.

Got a problem? About $ 70,000 worth.

I can't go into production until I get it. If you weren't so stubborn--

Look, Ma, all he has to do is-- All I have to do...

is find the bank that will lend me the money.

Sit down, Ma. I got a million questions to ask you.

Numbers one to fourteen, how are the kids? Oh,just fine.

Hope they're not gettin' in that nice Mr.jones's hair.

Mlijones, did Benjamin throw his oatmeal at you?

No. I got a poor memory. I forgot where my mouth was.

Why did you throw your oatmeal at Mnjones? I don't want any more.

I don't blame him! Since Ma left, all we eat is oatmeal.

Yeah. I've eaten so much of this stuff,

every time I sit down I squish.

Mnjones, maybe we'd better get one of Ma's friends...

to come in and help. No, no, no! I, coul-- Uh--

I couldn't write me poetry with too many people around.

I don't need help. Benjie's a good boy.

This time we're gonna eat our cereal. Ain't we, Benjie?

Nope! I wanna play leapfrog. Not now!

Come on, Benjamin. It'll put muscles on ya.

Open your mouth.

It'll grow hair on your chest. Open your mouth, Benjamin.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Open your-- on!

Somebody get me a towel!

[Laughing]

I Munger] Hurry! A napkin!

Ow'. [ Laughing]

Stop it!

[ Doorbell Chimes] Don't nobody move.

I'll be right back.

[ Chimes Continue] Take it easy. I'm comin'!

Here's the rest of your monthly allotment of Bubble-Ola.

More? Every month for the next ten years.

Say, that's a sweet setup you got here. What was that?

Look at all those buttons: radio, television, windows.

Everything's automatic.

Yeah? Yeah.

[ Children Laughing]

I told you to stay in there.

We want to play leapfrog. No, you're too wild.

Can we play the radio? Yeah, anything to keep you quiet.

[Laughing, Shouting]

JM Radio: Fanfare]

Good morning. And now for the 9:00 news.

State police are still baffled by the disappearance of notorious bank robber...

Shotgun Munger, who is believed to be hiding out...

in Oregon or Washington.

Munger is 5 '70 ” tall, has brown hair--

You don't want radio, not when you got television.

[TV] The next criminal on KTjT's “Cash For Clues“ program is...

Shotgun Munger.

We want the television. Come on! Let's play leapfrog.

Okay, now it's your turn.

- [TV] Shotgun Munger- -;;[ Radio]

[ Spieler] See the sign. It's only a buck for the trip.

Step right in. just got room for two more.

See New York for a buck. My feet are killin' me.

Everywhere you look there's more tall buildings.

Look at that one over there.

[ Guide ] See New York!

Hurry hurry! See the Bowery. See Chinatown...

and also other places of interest.

Step right up. Only two seats left. See New York for a buck.

It'd save a heap ofwalkin', Ma.

It'd save my feet.

Why walk when you can see New York from a comfortable seat?

Attaboy, Pop. Okay!

I gotta get on that bus! Sorry, full up.

But I gotta see New York. It'll still be here.

Follow that bus. It's a sightseeing bus.

Follow it! Okay! It's your dough.

[Guide] Folks, we 're now on New York'; famous Fifih A venue.

On your left, you are passing the New York Public Library,

the world's largest.

[Woman] Look at the lions,junior.

We'd like to see the library too.

You're now coming to the famous St. Patrickk Cathedral.

There it is on your right.

Pardon. Like to see the Cathedral.

Cmon, Pa. Let's get outta here.

But lady, I thought you wanted to see New York.

We do! That's why we're gettin' off.

This looks like Mr.jones's bag.

I don't reckon you can tell the difference. No.

Can I help you? How much do you want?

Eight dollars. You better keep your eye on this one.

You bet. Eight dollars is a lot of money to put in a bag.

Ten dollars. Thank you.

Two dollars back, please. Yes, sir.

See the New York “Panor-rama.“

What's panor-rama, Ma?

Everybody knows what a pam-aroma is.

Well, what is it? It's a place over on, uh--

Something where they have, uh, kind of a--

Why don't you go and see for yourself! I will.

In direct line from us is the Empire State Building,

the world's tallest building.

To our right, along thejersey coast on Bedloe's Island,

is the Statue of Liberty.

Pa, come here quick!

Look! Look!

The river beyond to the right-- Look! Look!

Look how small the people look.

Look at those little cars! Look at the buses!

If you want me to look at all the things down there,

Why'd you bring me up here?

[Guide] 1,050 feet high.

I wonder how long this would take to get down there.

Oh, Pa! You shouldn't have.

[ Guide] The first bridge crossing the East River is the Williamsburg Bridge.

Next, Manhattan Bridge; and third,

the oldest and more fiamous, the Brooklyn Bridge. Stop! Stop!

Ma, he took the bag. He took it.

Yes, we'll just have--

Hmm. Took longer than I expected.

This is a waste of time, watching Louie's place.

Mungerisn't gonna show.

No, but the dough might. Nah!

Well, they gotta-- Hey!

Littlejoe. Yeah.

Must be a payoff. He's carrying a black bag.

The money they took from the bank was in a black bag.

That's it. Let's go.

I got it, Louie. I got it. Good work.

You're right. Kettle is up to something.

He gets on the bus without the bag.

A few minutes later, I pick him up with it.

They must be working with someone. Baby, I love ya.

A hundred grand!

- Okay, Louie, drop the bag. - What do you want, copper?

Just the black bag with $100,000 from the bankjob. Open it, Mike.

Yeah.

Hey, Sam, it's empty. lt'sjust like I said.

Empty? It can't be!

Well-- Look for yourself.

Uh, fellas-- Excuse us. Accidents can, uh--

Well, so long. [Laughing]

Hey, what a break!

Are we lucky there wasn't any money in that bag.

If there was money in that bag--

No money! That Kettle!

This is his way ofteiiin' us he wants a cut.

Nobody does this to us.

That's our dough and we don't have to make a deal.

Littlejoe, keep after Kettle.

From now on we meet at Tony's place. Thisjoint is too hot.

Why would anyone want to steal a bag,

especially an empty bag?

Pa, you're gonna have to watch yourself.

Trouble ain't with watchin' myself.

It's with watching those black bags.

You and Ma hurry or we're never gonna get a table.

Why didn't you make a reservation?

I did, but they're not gonna hold it forever.

Tom, why couldn't you have been here earlier?

Why, why. why?

When you're trying to convince bankers to give you a loan, you don't say:

“Think fast. I have to take my parents to a nightclub.“

We have to get another bag for Mr.jones's brother.

Do that in the morning. He might come tonight. We don't want to disappoint him.

I'll get it now. What kind of bag was it?

It was, um, uh-- Kim remembers. She'll go with ya.

Come on. Bye.

We'll meet you downstairs in 1 O minutes.

Hurry up. All right, son.

Here it is. Oh, that's the bag.

Got to put it in the room where it'll be safe.

I'll just have to keep the cab waiting.

Uh, pardon me, buddy. You got a match?

Got one here somewhere.

Mind holding this?

I'm sure I got one here somewhere.

Hey, you got my bag.

You know it? You got my bag.

Stop that man!

Stop this thing!

Pa, what happened to you?

He didn't wait for the match. He took the bag instead.

That makes three bags. There's something rotten in Denmark.

It ain't good in New York either.

,','[Violins]

Why can't you get a table? For the simple--

You were so slow, they canceled the reservation.

I was slow? I like that!

Mr. Gigi, isn't there some way you could get us a table?

I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.

There will be at least one hour wait.

Thank you.

It'll be at least an hour before we can get a table.

We could go to the Starlite Roof.

It'll bejust as crowded there.

Do all nightclubs have hat stores?

Huh?

Pa, that's a checkroom. You give your hat to the girl.

She '// watch it for you. She's gonna watch my hat?

Do New Yorkers have a hankerin' for hats too?

[Chuckling] Give me the hat.

Pardon me. Kim!

George, what a pleasant surprise!

How's the prettiest girl in town?

My mother and father-in-law, Mr. and Mrs. Kettle, George Donahue.

Pleased to meet you. Mr. Kettle. Howdy.

You know Tom, of course. Hi, Tom.

Those plans Kim showed me on the incubator are great!

I thought you were going to bring it down for me to see.

Well, I've been tied up with the banks.

Don't let the bankers cheat you. Come to us.

Besides, I've already got money tied up in it: two martinis, three dollars.

Don't forget the tip. That's right. That's seven dollars!

You're leaving so early. We're waiting for a table.

You still have that old influence with head waiters?

There will be one hour's wait.

There's nothing like finding out. I'll speak to Mr. Gigi.

Good evening, Monsieur Donahue. How 'bout a table?

For you and the young lady? No.

Tonight we have three chaperons.

If you're not waiting for anyone,join us.

That's all I was waiting for. This way, please.

I just had a cancellation.

Come on, Ma.

Pa, they're waiting for us. Oh.

Maybe we didn't do the right thing in following Louie.

Could be a decoy. What do you mean?

While we're watching him, the other mugs are busy operating.

Might be. You watch. I'm gonna take 4O winks.

That's what you think. Look. Hmm?

Littlejoe with a black bag.

Come on!

I'm bringing home the bacon, boys! Good boy, Littlejoe!

That's the bag, all right. I spotted Kettle's payoff man handing it to him.

Kettle must be working with another mob, the crook!

Baby, I love ya! A hundred grand.

[ Policeman] I'll finish that for you, Louie.

You'll get at least 2O years for this.

Hey, Sam, this one's empty too.

W-Well, uh--

just a routine checkup, fellas.

We'll see you around, huh?

Well! Heh-heh-heh-heh!

“Just a routine checkup. See you around.“

Kettle ain't gonna make a sucker out of us.

I'll see him myself and I'll get that bag!

Thank you.

Here's your hat, Tom. Did you give the girl a quarter?

All she give me was our hats.

I think I better say good night. it's been a pleasure.

Kim, it's always good to see you. Thank you for a wonderful evening.

Donahue, what was our share of the check?

Forget it. lfthat incubator is all Kim claims, we'll make a fortune.

Why don't your bring it to the office?

Why don't you cut it out? You're interested in Kim, not the incubator!

Tom!

I'm sorry, George. Don't apologize for me.

You're mixed up, Tom. Good night, everyone.

Good night.

Ma, I'm sorry this had to happen in front of you.

No use to apologize, honey.

It takes a while for young'uns to understand each other.

But Tom hasn't any reason to bejealous.

He didn't take his eyes off you for a minute. He's still in love with you.

So what? I'm in love with you, you big--

Duckal-oof?

Yes! Duckal-oofl

Maybe I am a Duckal-oof, but--

I just needed to hear you say you love me.

One good thing about married people having a quarrel:

When they make up, they find out they love each other that much more!

Come on, folks. Let's get going.

It's gettin' late. We better get back to the hotel.

Got to get up early and buy another bag.

I've got to check on those bags. It's more than coincidence.

Look, Pa! A horse and buggy!

Just like back home.

We could take it to the hotel. Go ahead. We'll walk.

Can we give you a lift? The walk'll do us good.

Good night. Thanks for everything.

Callyou in the morning. All right, Tom.

Waldorf-Astoria. Sorry, sir.

I just go round the park and come back here. That don't make sense.

Most of me customers are young couples.

They like to ride through the park at night. It's dark.

Bu! there's the moon and the stars.

You remember.

Ma, how old do you feel?

Pa, right now I don't feel a day over 18.

[Laughing]

Giddap, Charles. Once around the park.

Never ate out of anything so fancy in all my life.

Mighty handy-

When you've finished eating, you can see how much is left on your face.

[ Phone Ringing]

Answer the phone.

[ Ringing Continues]

Howdy.

Hello, Kettle? This is Louie.

Mr.jones's brother.

Let's not beat around the bush. I want the right bag.

Glad to oblige. Want to pick it up here?

Oh no, you don't. I'll meet you somewhere in the open,

like, uh--

The zoo... how 'bout the Central Park Zoo?

I'll meet ya in front of the monkeys' cage at 12:00.

How'll I recognize you?

I'll recognize you. just have the black bag.

How'll I get there?

Take a cab.

And Kettle, be there if you wanna stay healthy.

Nice fella, Mr.jones's brother.

Worried about my health.

We gotta meet him at the zoo. You'll have to go by yourself.

This is the morning Mr. Schumacher is sending me...

to the Lucien et Louise de Paris Beauty “Saloon?

Uh-huh. Well, all right, Ma.

I'll meet you back here.

Ah! Gotta stop and buy a bag.

Well, gentlemen, what do you think she needs?

I think her eyebrows should go up. No, no. Down.

Up. Down.

I think-- [Together] Madam, please!

[Clears Throat]

I, uh, think we should give her rosebud lips.

Bring them out. Mmm.

I think they should be brought in. Mmm.

Our! In;

Out! I think--

Madam, please!

I just want to say-- Madam,

look how long you've had your face.

You've done nothing with it.

They should be out! In!

Out! Out: In!

Make up your mind!

Please, madam. A lady never has to shout.

You can get most anything you want from a man...

by just using your feminine charms.

That's one of the things you will learn here.

There is no time to waste. Let's get started.

She'll need a new face, new wardrobe, manners, speech lessons.

Ladies and gentlemen, Madam Kettle will need the full treatment.

Come, come, now. This way, madam.

Ow! Ow!

How's it going, Harvey? Terrible. Lost two more monks yesterday.

Poisoned peanuts again? Yeah.

What kind of guy goes around poisoning harmless animals? A fiend!

If I get my hands on 'im, I'll beat his brains in.

I'd better not catch him.

Howdy.

Have a peanut?

[ Monkey Chattering]

Hey, don't feed the animals.

Why not? I've been doin' it all my life.

Try it again, wise guy, and I'll run ya in!

Kettle?

Mr. Louie? Yeah.

You alone? Oh, sure.

I can handle this myself. You're callin' the signals.

What's the deal on the bag? Your brother said to give it to you.

You know, you don't look much like your brother. Don't stall me.

Okay, Kettle. Gimme the bag.

With pleasure, Mr. Louie.

I also want to give you this. Oh, no, you don't!

You'll want the key. Hey, wait a minute.

Nervous fella.

Not friendly like his brother.

Why that dirty, double-crossin' rat!

What'd I tell you about feeding the animals?

But I didn't!

He was, uh-- Peanuts!

Poisoned peanuts!

You! You murderer, you! You fiend!

What's the matter? This man is a killer.

No! I know a killer when I see one.

Come on. Confess. You poisoned the animals. Admit it.

Why'd you do it?

Come on, sign this confession.

Like to oblige you, but I'd be puttin' my name to a lie.

Look, Pop. It's Pa.

Sign that and we'll turn off the light.

I wish you wouldn't. It feels good.

If you'd move it over here, it'd take the dampness out of my bones.

£0ok, Kettle, we let you call your wife. But if you don't talk, you won't see her.

Talk! Talk! Talk!

All right. What'll we talk about?

He's a tough nut to crack.

Grilling a monkey poisoner. Nice assignment.

If we don't break him, that lieutenant is gonna have us...

back in uniform pounding the pavement.

Talk! Talk! Talk!

You think Munger andjones are the same?

With what you told me about the bags, I'd say yes.

But we've got to have positive identification.

Where can I get ahold of your father? He's at the Waldorf.

Get me the Waldorf. If he isn't there?

Probably out seeing the sights.

Confess you poisoned the monkeys and we'll give you a cigarette.

Thanks, but I don't smoke cigarettes.

You're only human. How much more of this do you think you can take?

Admit you fed the monkeys.

Sure. But they gotta eat, too, you know.

Funny town. Get arrested for feeding animals.

But people take my black bags and no one does nothin'.

New Yorkers are the finest people ever I see, but they got a weakness for black bags.

Now look, Kettle--

Black bags?

Black bags!

I'll be right back.

Is there a chance the bag with the money being returned to Pa?

Very unlikely. Without it, there's no evidence to convict the Munger mob.

Lieutenant, that animal poisoner?

Don't bother me with animal poisoners!

He said he had black bags stolen from him. Black bags stolen?

Is he a thin man who wears a derby? That's him.

That's Pa. Where have you got him? Wait a minute.

I got an idea. Stay here.

Don't worry about your father. I've got a plan. Come on, Eskow.

Hi, Lieutenant. Hello, Hawkshaw.

Gimme the keys to the Rogues Gallery file.

Thank you.

[ Ma In Distinguished Voice] I'd like to see Mr. Kettle.

[Wolf Whistle]

I said, I'd like to see Mr. Kettle.

You can't see him now.

But he called me. You can't see him.

Why? What' re they dam' to hm?

I'm sorry. I can't give out that information.

It's against the rules.

Look, you--

I was hoping you could help me.

You know, my weakness is men in uniform.

You're kind of" cute.

What's your name, big boy? Well,

everybody thinks it's Hank, but it's really Horace.

Horace! My favorite name.

Oh.

I'd appreciate it personally...

if you told me what they're doin' to Mr. Kettle.

It's against the rules, but they're grilling him.

Grillin' him! Uh...grilling him?

Yeah, questioning him.

Where, Horace? Which room?

I couldn't tell you that.

This means a lot to me, Horace.

And it could mean a lot to you too.

It's the door marked “Private?

Thanks.

Thank you, Horace.

Talk! Talk! Talk!

I come afterya, Pa. What's goin' on in here?

Oh, you sure look pretty, Ma.

[Sniffing] And smell pretty too!

Mmm, never mind the sweet talk! What've they been doin' to ya?

Nothin'. It's been right sociable.

I'm takin'you outta here, Pa. just a minute, lady!

What about his habeas corpus?

I'm takin' that too!

Mrs. Kettle? Yes, that's me.

There's been a misunderstanding. We wanted to speak to Mr. Kettle...

about the black bags and somehow this happened.

How'd you know about the black bags? Your son phoned us.

I have pictures of the men we think might have stolen your bags.

Recognize this guy?

I Pa 1 The absent-minded fellow.

Wouldn't wait for the match. Took the bag instead.

How 'bout this guy?

Oh, that's Mr. jones, the poet.

He gave us the bag.

Of course! How did this get in here? He's a great poet!

I'm one of his fans! We'll get to work right away. You're free to go.

Thanks. How do we get back to the hotel?

Take the subway and get offin four stops. Cmon, Eskow.

Nice fella.

Come on, Ma. Where we goin', Pa?

For another ride through the park. Oh, Pa!

The chauffeur brought this with your luggage, sir.

I don't think it's ours.

That's funny. Mustve picked it up at the station.

It belongs to Mr. Kettle at the Waldorf-Astoria. Kettle?

Kettle. Kettle.

Not C. P. Kettle! Who's C.P. Kettle?

You've heard of him. The underwear king.

One of the richest men in the country.

I've been trying to do business with him, but he never comes to New York.

What would he be doing with a cheap bag?

He has a reputation for being stingy and eccentric.

I wonder what's inside.

Oh, Harold! You shouldn't!

Money!

Money!

There's nothing but money!

Operator, get me the Waldorf-Astoria.

This'll put me in solid with the old gentleman.

[ Phone Ringing]

Answer the phone, Pa.

[ Ringing Continues]

Howdy.

Mr. Kettle, I don't know if you remember me.

Harold Masterson. I've written you several letters.

Never got 'em.

Are you the Kettle in underwear?

Yeah, but how did you know?

Why, everybody knows!

Waita minute.

Go ahead. I'm back.

Get ready for a big surprise.

I have your black bag. It got mixed up with my luggage at the station.

So, that's what happened!

Mr. Kettle, we're having a little party tonight.

Come out and pick up the bag. You can kill two birds with one stone.

What do they do to you ifya kill 'em?

I got arrested for feeding them.

[Laughing] What a sense of humor!

I won't take no for an answer. My car'll pickyou up at 8:00.

If there's anybody you want to bring, don't hesitate.

That's right neighborly of you.

Glad to oblige. Good-bye.

Oh, Ma! Man found Mr.jones's bag.

We better find Louie and tel! him what happened.

Might as well give him the right bag, long as we found it.

Good-bye.

Ifand when this bag shows up, we've gotta be prepared for action.

That's why this plan. I still don't like it.

You're making clay pigeons out of my folks. What else?

If we told them about the $100,000, they'd get nervous and tip off Louie.

It's the only way. As soon as Pa gets the real bag, the mob'll move in.

We need to nail 'em with the evidence.

Who's gonna protect my folks? We will and you will.

Me? Yes, you can be around without arousing suspicion.

What about the kids? They're living with a killer. Don't worry.

I'll notify the police and the kids'll be safe.

Is it a deal, Tom?

Okay... but I hope it's the right thing.

[Chattering, Shouting]

Hey, I got the white ring. It's my turn!

Stop! No, please, kids, not again.

[Shouting] [Laughing]

[Children Laughing]

[ Manger] He/p! L ea' me do wn! He's got one of the kids.

Three men come with me, the rest of you go through the front.

We're going around the back. Come on.

[ Munger Yelling]

[ Munger] Help! Help! Let me down!

Okay, kids. We'll take over.

Let him down. Nice goin', Benjamin.

How'd you know that was Shotgun Munger? The bank robber?

We didn't. We werejust playing cobs and robbers. Cops and robbers?

Oh, boy! Am I glad to see you. Get me outta here.

Boys, get him a nice, comfortable cell. Thanks.

Just so long as I'm safe.

Murphy, stay here and protect the kids.

Brodney, stay here and protect Murphy.

Follow that car.

Follow that cab.

Follow that cab.

[indistinct Chattering, Music]

The salesman said to the farmer,

“lfyou find me in the barn, I deserve to get shot.“

Robert, they've just pulled in. Uh, good.

We'll meet the Kettles at the door. Excuse us. Of course.

Victoria, go out of your way to be nice to Kettle.

I can make a million out of this.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

Mr. Masterson, howdy.

Mr. Masterson is inside, sir. Who shall I say is calling?

Uh, Kettles calling.

Won't you come in? Why, sure!

Nice place you got here.

Your hat, sir? Course it's my hat.

Haven't the Kettles come yet?

These... are the Kettles, sir.

Mr. Kettle, I am Masterson, and this is Mrs. Masterson.

Howdy.

This here is Ma; and these are my two kids,

Tom and, uh... Kim. Kim!

Hope you don't mind my bringin' 'em here.

You're welcome. Any friend of yours is a friend of--

Charles, take Mr. Kettle's hat.

No, you don't! I ain't gonna pay no quarter to get it back.

[Chuckling] That's so funny!

Isn't it, dear? Yes.

Uh, it's all right, Pa. Let him take it.

Darling, take the Kettles into the garden? I'd love to.

I'll join you in a moment. There's something I must attend to in the library.

It's right out here. Come on.

[ Doorbell Buzzing]

I'm a friend of the Kettles. Your hat--

In the garden, sir. Thanks, bud.

[ Doorbell Buzzing]

Friend of the Kettles.

Uh, in the garden, sir. Thank you.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Masterson.

We didn't realize your party was going to be formal. Harold should've told you.

But, you all look lovely.

That's a pretty dress you got on.

Too bad the top wasn't finished in time for the party.

Uh, won't you two dance? Yes, thank you.

Excuse me. I'll see what's keeping Harold.

You'd think she'd be afraid ofcatchin' cold.

Caviar?

What they won't think of next! Buckshot on toast.

Mmm. Tastes good, Pa. We'll have to try cookin' some.

Why, George! What are you doing here? Kim!

Hello, Tom. George.

I'd like to apologize for being so stupid the other night.

Forget it. I have. I didn't know you knew the Mastersons.

We didn't until tonight. Masterson's my partner.

He's the one interested in backing your incubator. Oh, really?

I've got something to tell you. Where can we talk?

Let's go right over here.

Kettle said the bag would be here.

The place is crawlin' with cops! So what?

What can they arrest us for? Crashing a party? Maybe it's a trap.

We gotta get to that bag before they do or it's good-bye a hundred Gs.

Havin' to steal the same dough twice! It's a crime.

What are we going to do? Sell Kettle $1 million worth of bonds.

$1 million worth of bonds? He doesn't spend $20 on a suit!

I told you he was eccentric. Eccentric?

They're fantastic! Did you see those friends that followed them in?

Maybe they're bodyguards. Make sure they're enjoying themselves.

I'll get his bag out of the safe.

We better tell H.M. so he'll know what to expect. Tom!

Lieutenant, I saw your men. I was hoping you'd be here.

I tried to get you at headquarters. What's up?

Masterson claims he has the original bag. Great.

If the dough's in it, we can pinch the whole bunch. Where's Masterson?

In the library. Lt. Klein, George Donahue.

How do you do? This way.

G," [ Orchestra Continues ]

Don't you like to dance? Sure do!

We only do square dancin'. Square dancing!

It might be fun. Let's see about it.

Mr. Saul, can you play a square dance? We can play it.

But we need someone to call. I can do that!

How wonderful!

Mr. Saul, stop the music, please.

Listen, everyone!

We're going to square dance, and Mr. Kettle has consented to call.

Howdy, folks. Grab your partner, set your squares.

[indistinct Chatter]

Help 'em, Ma. All right, Pa. I will.

Excuse me, folks. Make a square, now.

Make a square. Come on.

All right, Pa! Start the music.

Let's have a little quiet, folks.

This is going to be ladies' choice.

I'll call my version of a square dance twister.

Music!

♪ Everybody stomp and swing Swing 'em half the time ♪

; Side couples split and step right back Stand there four in line ♪

♪ Everybody forward and back I'll tell you the reason why;

,' Pass right through 5a y how are you and look 'em straight in the eye,'

,' Wea ve back and forth across the set Folks, you're doin's well , '

,' You reach the end and tum right back Clap hands and give a yell,'

,' If you get lost don't get upset while the others promenade,'

; Swing your honey till the rest get back And don't you be afraid g

,' Stop right there and grab your pardn ' Swing 'em high and lo w,'

;Swing Lulu Bell and Happyjack Swing your Unclejoe;

There's the bag. I'll warn Pa.

;Treat 'em all alike Treat 'em all the same No cheatin' in the game ♪

Pa, listen! That black bag of yours has $100,000 in it.

Mnjones and his brother are bank robbers.

Bank robbers? Yeah. Look!

Look, he's getting away. I'll fix 'im.

♪ Ma, cage that bird with seven hands round Close in and make it tight ♪

; Someone else is in the deal But wait, I'll make it right;

,' Now rip and snort Go through the rings Gee, there it goes again,'

,' Ma, head 'em 0h' and tackle low and kick him on the shin,'

♪ Get in there, Ma and swing Grandpa with one, two, three, you know ♪

,' Give an upper cut andgrab that bag Then duck and awa y you go,'

; Promenade Indian style Watch the guy comin' down the aisle ♪

;A dirty trick, a rotten shame Don't worry, Ma You're not to blame ♪

♪ Signals nine and forty-four That's all there is There ain't no more ♪♪

Here's your bag, Lieutenant.

You did a finejob. I couldn't have done it without Ma's help.

Ah, now, Pa!

[Sighs] Ah. home sweet home.

Have a good time in New York? We sure did!

It's a nice place to visit, but there's no place like Cape Flattery.

Here you are, Ed. Keep the change. What?

I learned that in New York. [Giggling]

Sure is peaceful like, ain't it, Pa?

It sure is, Ma.

Well, of all things!

Burglars!

What are you mm' to do, rum my carpet?

lfit isn't Murphy from the sheriff's office.

So it is. Untie him.

What're you doin' in here anyway?

Sheriffleft us here to protect the kids. We're leavin'!

He should've sent the state militia.

Help me clean up this mess.

[Children Chanting Indian War Cry]

They're loose! Put a blanket over 'em!

[Chanting]

[ Ma 1 Let me outta here! Turn on the lights!

Let us outta here! [Children] Ma!

Ahh. The little darlings.

Yep. But you gotta watch 'em. Oh, Pa!