All language subtitles for Long.Weekend.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-EVO

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hey, Mr. Waters, this is Jeremy
over in Dr. Andrews' office.

Just calling to confirm
your follow-up appointment

tomorrow at 2.

Call if you have questions.
We'll see you then.

Bart, it's Dr. Andrews.

We missed you
at your appointment yesterday,

so calling to check in.

It's important we maintain contact
with patients for a few months

after they're under our care.

So let's get
another appointment in the books.

Just wanted to make sure
we avoid any backsliding.

Hey, B, it's Whit.

I got a call
from a psychiatrist's office yesterday.

I guess I must still be listed
as your emergency contact.

You should probably change that
at some point.

Anyhow, they wanted you to call
to set up an appointment soon.

It's none of my business now,

but I just wanna make sure
you're taking care of yourself.

So call them, Bart, please.

Okay? I'm thinking about you.

Bart, it's Dr. Andrews again.

It's really pertinent
that you continue to...

Okay. Well, I wish you hadn't done that.

But that doesn't make any sense. Yeah.

- 409.
- Sorry, I dozed off there.

Okay. This is an old building,

so, you know, you have to be sensitive
about the plumbing.

- Can I?
- Help yourself.

Okay, well, you know, the rule of thumb

is that if it's bigger than a goldfish,
you don't flush it.

No. Okay.

No, I'll send a plumber over later.
Yeah. Bye.

That bitch tried
to flush a gerbil down the toilet.

- Who does that?
- Are we allowed to have gerbils here?

- Not anymore. Fuck.
- You're having a good day, aren't you?

You're lucky you have booze.
Thanks for the shot.

- Yeah.
- We're showing this place in 20 minutes.

- Is that okay?
- Yeah. I'm gonna get out of here.

- Bart, don't leave me.
- I wish I could stay,

but unless you get them
to lower the rent by...

like, all of it, I gotta go.

- What am I gonna do without you?
- You're gonna be fine.

Yeah, yeah.

So you'll be out
by the beginning of next month?

Yes, ma'am.

I'll miss you.

Oh, 206. I hate my fucking job.

Eddie, what?

I'm not doing that.

Because I cannot control when 306 has sex.

I can't tell someone
they have to fuck on their couch

because their mattress is too loud.

Shit.

Come on in, man.
I'd offer to help, but my hands are full.

Also, I don't want to.

- That all your shit?
- Not all of it but there's not much left.

Right on. We got plenty of space.
Teddy, don't do that.

I'm not Teddy. I'm Naked Guy.

Well, Naked Guy, don't do that.

Jeez. Rachel!

- Rach!
- Jesus! I'm going to the bathroom.

Eve needs you, and Naked Guy's
fucking up the chair again.

- I just want two seconds of peace.
- Oh, my God. I'm just a dad.

Let's get you situated. Come on.

Naked Guy!

Are you sure me staying here
isn't too much?

Fuck, no, man.
You need to get out of that place.

Besides, it'll be fun having you around.
Like old times, you know?

Rachel? Rachel!

You could stay here
as long as you want. Seriously.

- Kids love you.
- Hey, I got her.

Listen, Teddy has left
something very upsetting

next to the toilet on the floor,
if you could...

Hi, Bart. Welcome.
Happy to have you here.

Don't use the bathroom.

- Are you on your way?
- Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

I should be getting this job.

- I'll be out of your hair soon.
- Dude, shut up. All right?

You can stay here forever.
I mean that. Okay?

So, yeah, man.

I read through your samples,

and I'm no literary critic or anything,
but they seem really good to me.

- Thank you.
- For real, dude.

I love this one
about the guy whose fiancée left him

and he has a nervous breakdown.

I mean, that's... It feels so real.

- Well, it should.
- I thought Marley & Me was sad, but...

Hey, you ever see Marley & Me?

- I have not.
- You should.

I love dog movies.
But spoiler, the pup dies.

I kind of feel
like you're too good for this job.

Well, thanks for saying that,
but, you know...

To be honest, stories like that
don't really help keep the lights on.

Well, you won't write anything
super creative for our catalogs,

- but I bet you'll have fun with it.
- Writing's writing to me, honestly.

- So I am happy to tackle anything.
- Okay. It's pretty straightforward.

We give you a product and research data,

and you write up something
that sounds exciting to our clients.

Like this fella.
This is a new catheter. You can hold it.

It's smaller and more malleable.
You barely even know it's there.

Well, you know it's there
because it's a huge tube

that's going up your penis.

Smaller and more malleable
does seem advantageous

- in the world of penis tubes.
- See?

That already sounds better.

Well, we'll let you know.

And, hey, I always tell new friends,

I'm really into game nights,
if you ever host one.

Hey. One, please.

Bart, Dr. Andrews again.
Still haven't heard from you.

I would really encourage you
to set an appointment soon.

It's really not a big thing.

It's just to assess how you're feeling

and make sure
the new dosage is working for you.

So just call my office
and we will be here.

And it was the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

Hey, buddy.

- Buddy.
- Hey, buddy.

The movie's over.

The movie's over.

Oh, shit.

Thanks.

Hey! Hey, bud.

- Your jacket.
- Oh, shit. Thanks.

Yeah. You left it on your seat.

- I was drinking a little bit in there.
- Yeah, I saw that.

I'm batting a thousand here, aren't I?

It's okay. It seems like a pretty fun way
to spend an afternoon.

Yeah. I've had worse.
Thanks. Thanks again.

Hey.

Do you know where I could
maybe grab one of those around here?

- Oh, you mean go get a drink?
- Yeah.

There's two bars pretty close.

One is kind of a dive.

The other is a little fancier.

It's one of those craft cocktail,
mixology-type places.

Okay, cool. Let's go.

- I'm sorry. You want me to go?
- Yeah.

I don't really know the area.
I've just been wandering around by myself.

Honestly, I'm getting a little bored.

You seem like you're
a relatively harmless human.

You don't murder people, do you?

No. Murder-free thus far.

Cool.

So long as you keep that streak alive,

I think you should come
have a drink with me.

- Really?
- Really.

Come on.

All right. Fuck it. Let's drink, then.

Lead the way.

Okay.

- Hey, I'm Vienna.
- Hi. I'm Bart.

Nice to meet you.

- Wait. Really?
- Yeah. It's a really good movie.

So it's one of your favorite films
and you've seen it over a hundred times

and you can't articulate why.

It's just a really good movie.

I guess...

I'm kind of an emotional person, I guess.

Okay.

And a few years ago,
I happened to catch Being There on TV,

and I don't know why, but...

Somehow, watching it on my couch that day,
something just clicked for me.

Life is gonna be sad and stressful
and tragic and devastating,

and that's just unavoidable, you know?

But that movie is like a reminder
that it's all a state of mind.

We could make all that shit
as big or as little as we want.

I'm not saying
the movie cured me or anything,

but in that moment
it did make me feel a little better.

Well, that's something.

Did it do that today?

- Not really.
- Why not?

I don't know. Just didn't.

Doing okay, folks?

- Yes. We're good. Thanks.
- Yeah.

So, what brings you to town?

Like, where are you from
and what do you do

and why are you here?

Let's get out of here. Yeah?

Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Take me to that dive bar.

Really?

- Yeah. This is too fancy.
- All right, let's go.

- I got the check.
- I can get it.

- Just...
- Jesus Christ.

Are you going to the strip club later,
or did you just rob a bank?

No, no. I just have problems
with my bank card,

so I brought cash for my trip.

- Is 60 good?
- Sixty? That's way too much.

It'll be like half that. Nice tip. Here.

Okay. Cool.

L.A. prices,
I just thought it would be more.

Take me to this dive.

- All right.
- Oh, wait.

So is this funky bar of yours,
are they strict about carding?

'Cause I forgot my ID at home.

Well, you look way over 21,
so I think you'll be fine.

Cool, trying to be charming.

You're a cute girl.

- You'll be fine.
- You think I'm cute?

Well, yeah.
I mean, you look great for 50.

Oh, my God. Look at those!

Sparklers?

Yeah, sparklers.

I didn't know they made those anymore.

You're kind of easily impressed,
aren't you?

I... I've just never done
a sparkler before.

I'm sorry, what?

- Yep.
- You've never played with a sparkler?

Nope.

- Did you have a childhood?
- Yes, I did.

I just didn't play with sparklers,
I guess.

Okay, hold on.

- What? Okay.
- One second.

Could I...? Could I buy two sparklers
from you for one whole dollar?

- Okay.
- All right. Thanks!

What?

- How'd you do that?
- I gave him a dollar.

- To a kid, that's like a million bucks.
- You didn't have to do that.

I did have to do that

because you've never played
with a sparkler and that's just weird.

I don't wanna hang out with a weirdo.

- So I did it for selfish reasons, really.
- Okay.

- Okay, fine.
- Okay. All right. Here goes...

- What little crooks.
- This is really anticlimactic!

- Kind of hurts your hand.
- You gotta run with it.

- Run. Yeah.
- No, I'm not running alone!

This is not some solo show, bro.

You've gotta run with me. Come on!

If you want mediocrity in impressions

or just in life in general,

- you've come to the right guy.
- Pacino.

Funny. Funny guy.

So scary. Jimmy Stewart.

Jimmy Stewart.

I don't have your money, Mr. Potter.

I don't know where your money is.

- These are legitimately good.
- Hold on one second.

Wait. What are you doing?

- The dive only takes cash.
- Yeah, but I've got cash.

I know you have cash.
You have like all of the cash.

But I can't let you buy drinks all night.
I gotta pull my weight a little bit.

And now I've got your passcode.

Hey, ho.

Hey, ho.

Is that what you do?
It's how you got all that cash?

You just sidle up
to handsome dudes and charm them

till they let their guard down at an ATM?

And now I'm going to take you
for everything you're worth.

Well, you done picked
the wrong mark, buddy.

Because I got...

324 bucks in there.

- Feel free to rob me blind.
- Oh, my God.

- You're not kidding.
- I'm not kidding.

- I'm gonna do it.
- Take it. Really.

It won't matter. It really won't.

- Ma'am, would you like my bank passcode?
- Did you just call me "ma'am"?

Yes, I did. That's my bad. Apologies.

- So sorry. He's drunk.
- Have a nice night.

Cute dog.

So it was like a hopeful look at humanity?

- How novel.
- Oh, yeah.

It was a novel idea for a novel.

Not novel enough
for anyone to publish it...

- Yeah, well, they're dummies.
- Yeah, maybe not.

And how'd you come up
with this novel idea?

I don't know. I think...

actually, mostly 'cause my mom died.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

- I'm pretty sure it wasn't your fault.
- Yeah, well, you don't know me.

You don't know what I'm capable of.

Are you the one wandering around,
giving everyone cancer?

Yes. That's me.

- That's you?
- I am Cancer Girl.

Crazy. You're a real bad person.

So how long ago did she pass?

Like a year ago.

As soon as the doctor told her
that she had...

a year or so to live...

she became almost instantly happier.

- What?
- Yeah.

Wait, how is that possible?

I think it's like, as soon as she realized
that she had this limited amount of time,

she just kind of relaxed.

And all the things
that she was worried about in her life...

Like, what was she gonna do
about retirement?

Would she have to sell her house?
Was her relationship going anywhere?

All that stuff just didn't matter anymore.
It was kind of suddenly inconsequential.

The only thing that mattered was
just her happiness in that moment

and what was right in front of her.

And just, like, being alive
while she could, you know?

Anyway, that's where the...

That's where the idea
for the novel first came from.

- Do you wanna do shots?
- Yeah.

- How about that one?
- Oh, F yeah.

I'd totally dance to that shit.
What is that? H-1-4.

What?

- Nothing.
- What?

Nothing. I'm just like, are you real?

Or are you like one of those...

What do you call them?
Manic Pixie Dream Girls.

What, you think I'm here to save you?

I'm just saying, beautiful strangers
don't usually just walk up to me

and ask me to go out for drinks

- and have a great time.
- I don't know anyone in town.

So, you know, I'd be happy
to find another tour guide.

I'm sure any one of these barflies
would love to show me around.

Hey, Slim, do you like Peter Sellers?

We're okay. No, listen. I'm...

Don't get me wrong, okay?
I'm glad you did.

Good! 'Cause that theory's dumb.

All right, all right, all right.

Also, I could have ulterior motives.

- I could totally be using you right now.
- Really? For what?

Quarters, motherfucker. Hand them over.

It's all I got.

Okay, 2-1-2...

My fiancée left me
after I had some emotional problems,

and now I'm broke
and have to take a crap job

and move into my best friend's garage,
and my life is in total shambles.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

That's why I went to the movie today.

Well, then...

I, for one, am really glad you did.

Me too.

Oh, shit.

- Okay.
- What's our motivation?

Frowny faces or, like, sexy...?

I think we're winging it. Here it comes.

- That's too fast.
- They're coming really fast.

What do we do?

Do it. I won't judge.

- Come on. Let it loose.
- This is your thing, not mine.

I know, but I let myself loose,

naked, vulnerable for you, so please,
just give it to me once, real fast.

You talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

That is really bad.

- That is... It's like...
- I told you it's bad.

It's like you're De Niro
but as a slow Saint Bernard.

It's like you're the taxi driver
who had a stroke...

- That's mean.
- ...and got in too many car accidents.

Okay, I will have you know,

I am very good at animal impressions.

- That's exciting.
- Yeah.

Lion. Go.

I wish I could, but this is me.

Jesus.

Okay.

How do I do this? Do I take your number?

- Is that proper etiquette?
- Yeah. Sounds about right.

It's just, I don't have a phone.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Okay. What's going on here?

So you're not from around here,
you don't have an ID,

you're balling around
with huge stacks of cash,

and you don't have a phone?

I mean, are you a hit man or something?

- Oh, no. You found out.
- Seriously. What's...?

- Oh, shit. Do it quickly.
- No, I just broke my phone.

You have to give me your number.

Deal.

- Who are those slobs?
- I don't know. Who are those weirdos?

Cool.

I'll call you sometime.

Yeah, please do.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Good night.
- Okay, good night.

What the fuck is wrong with you?
You have to kiss her.

In this situation, you have to kiss her.

How many fucking chances
do you get like that?

Hi. Just a quick question.
Is now too soon?

Good night, buddy.

Night.

I met a girl.

I just watched
my son piss in his own mouth.

You wanna come in?

- Sure.
- Cool.

Yeah, man, she's pretty and funny
and smart and just awesome,

and I'm gonna see her again tonight.

Hell, yeah, man.
That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, it is. It is.

- She's a little weird, I guess.
- Weird how?

Well, like, she was walking around
with this huge wad of cash all night.

So is she rich?
That's not weird. That's tight.

She also doesn't have a cell phone.

- She doesn't have a cell phone?
- Yeah, no phone.

Okay, that is fucking weird.

- Is it?
- That is truly bizarre.

- Everyone has a cell phone.
- Not everyone.

- Who doesn't have a phone?
- I don't know.

Members of the Mennonite community
don't have cell phones.

- People in the Mennonite community?
- Yeah.

So she's walking around in a bonnet,
riding on a horse and buggy?

Is that what you're telling me?
She's not a fucking Mennonite. It's weird.

- Even Teddy has a cell phone.
- Seriously?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I guess I'm wondering,
should I be worried?

I don't know, man.
That's a little out of my jurisdiction.

Baby! Rachel!

Oh, my God.
Eve is sleeping, you dum-dum.

- Dum-dum, doo-doo head.
- Yeah. Good one, Teddy.

You go sit over there.
We're gonna make lunch.

Babe, we have a question.

- Is it weird that the girl Bart met...
- Bart met a girl?

- I did.
- That is so awesome.

But is it weird
that she doesn't have a phone?

- Doesn't have a cellular phone?
- Right.

Is she a fake hipster
who plays the ukulele

and wears a trash bag around like a dress?

- I'm too tired for that.
- No, she's not like that.

- She's a really normal, cool girl.
- Okay. Good.

Who just happens to not have a phone.

- Okay, it's still very weird.
- It's rubbing me.

It's rubbing me wrong.

Everyone I know has a cell phone.
My grandma has a cell phone. She's deaf.

"Should I be worried?"
is what I'm wondering.

She's really pretty and really fun,
and I just want something good.

What's her deal?
Where is she from? What does she do?

Not sure.

And I'm not sure.

So you have a very special connection.

We had a connection. We did.
We didn't really talk about that stuff.

You didn't get into it because...?
Were you staring at her boobs

or whatever you guys do
when you think you're making a connection?

- What's wrong with staring at boobs?
- A lot. She's not an object.

This is a woman he's...

- He doesn't know where she's from.
- Fine. You're right.

Honestly, I'm just so glad
you're moving on

because I really liked Whit,
but that was unhealthy.

- Amen. Damn right.
- Unhealthy.

- I'm just happy to see you smiling again.
- Yeah.

But mostly, I'm happy you got laid.

You got laid? Oh, this is fantastic.
I'm so happy for you.

Hey, Teddy. Uncle Bart got laid.

Uncle Bart got laid

Uncle Bart got laid

Uncle Bart got
Got laid

Hey, B, I'm sorry that I keep calling.

I'm really trying
to give you space, I swear.

But I got another message
from your doctor.

I was starting to worry a little,

so, you know, give them or me a call.

Okay? I just...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You look great.
- Thank you. So do you.

Oh, thank you.

I was totally fishing
for that compliment, so...

I bet. There's always something with you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Shall we?
- Yeah, let's.

You're not a Mennonite, are you?

What?

Nothing.

It's pretty incredible.

I'll say.

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

I don't know.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na
Ba-na-na-na

Oh, my God.
That is way too big of a laugh.

- That is a stupid, old dad joke.
- It's really funny.

You love the dad jokes.

I can't believe you've never heard that.
That's an old standby.

Well, it just slipped through the cracks.

So tell me stuff. I feel like
I didn't really get the scoop last time.

What do you do?
Where are you from? Why are you here?

Okay.

Oh, man.

I work for this government agency,

and I am from up north.

Cool, cool. That's all super vague.

It's just really freaking boring.

Continue.

I came to town to...
I don't know why I came to town.

I came to town to, I guess, escape.

Escape what?

Everything.

Work. Life. My mom.

I take it you and your mom have
a stellar relationship?

Actually, we do.

Yeah. She's just sick.

- Shit. Sorry.
- Don't be. It's not your fault.

It's my fault. Remember?

- Cancer Girl.
- Fuck. Cancer Girl strikes again.

Yeah.

Is it...? Is it bad?

It's not good.

But it's mostly just exhausting.

So I thought getting away
for a little bit might be good.

Look at us having so much in common,
with our cancer moms.

I know, right?

Yeah.

I remember my mom talking about
what L.A. was like before I was born.

And how she loved it so much.

How it seemed so romantic
and full of opportunity.

So... I just wanted to see it.

It is awfully pretty.

Yeah.

And so different now.

Different from what?

Just from like...
how I envisioned it, I guess.

- I got it.
- No, I got it.

No, it's fine.

- Okay, what's going on here?
- I'm paying.

But that's gotta be like $10,000.

- I didn't wanna leave it in the hotel.
- Why do you even have it?

I'm sorry. You're vague with your answers,
you don't have a phone...

I don't wanna beat a dead horse here,

but I'm legit
getting a little bit freaked out.

- What's going on?
- It's complicated.

You have to do better than that.

I'm having a great time with you,
but I'm just getting back on my feet.

I can't handle any crazy shit.

- Okay. Let's talk about it.
- I'm serious. I'll leave.

I just don't wanna talk about it here.

Okay.

Okay.

- I love hummingbirds.
- Yeah. They're great.

We're back in my apartment now,
away from the crowds of people, so...

shoot.

Well...

Oh, my God. Am I about to wake up
in a tub full of ice without a kidney?

No. It's nothing like that.

It's just...

Buddy, come on.
The suspense is killing me here.

- Just tell me what's going on.
- It's just that...

Just tell me. You're married.

- No.
- You're on the run from the law.

- No.
- You killed a man in Texas.

No, it's not...
It's not like that. It's that...

Just tell me what the deal is.

- I mean, I'm here for you.
- I'm trying to tell you.

I'm from the future. I'm from the future!

Okay. That makes total sense.

I am from...

Oh, my God. You're crazy.

Fuck, man.

Why couldn't you just have taken a kidney?

I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm being serious.

Cool, cool, cool.
So you're like from the year 4000?

- No, that's ridiculous.
- Agreed.

- I'm from 2052.
- Okay, time to go.

- I work for a division of the NSA.
- Good for you.

- That's a cool job.
- It is nice, actually.

I have dental and vision,
and that's something

because our health-care system
is really fucked.

Yeah. So is ours. Time to go now.

Would you please listen to me? Just...

Would you... hear me out?

Please.

Fine.

Okay.

No one really knows about our branch.
It's kind of a secret division.

We're a research lab supposedly studying
the transference of matter,

but what we really do is
the study of space and time.

A while ago, they figured out
how to actually transcend time.

So, since then,
we've been making changes to the past

to slightly alter our present
for the better.

- Or that's the goal, at least.
- So what?

You go back and... kill Hitler,
that kind of thing?

No, you can't do big things like that.
It's more like...

- Back to the Future.
- Oh, really?

You know the movie Back to the Future?

Yeah, it's a classic.
You know Casablanca, don't you?

- That makes sense but still...
- Look.

You can't go back
and prohibit your parents from going

to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance
or you might actually just disappear.

But if you make small,
almost imperceptible shifts,

you can change
your present slightly for the better.

Okay, like what?

Like the fact that anyone gives even
a bit of a shit about climate change?

- That is us.
- So, what are you here to do?

Am I super important
in the future or something?

Oh, my God. Someone's got an inflated ego.

Believe me, I don't.
That's a thing from Bill and Ted's.

- Who are Bill and Ted?
- Oh, so that's not a classic?

Look, I am not even here for that.

I'm not technically even supposed
to be allowed to jump, but...

My mom is really...

She really is sick.

And she's broke,
and I don't have the money to help her.

So the idea was to...

buy a few stocks,
put them in a safety-deposit box,

and they'd be worth enough
to help her when I get back.

And I didn't tell anybody about this,
and it was supposed to be quick,

and I didn't expect to meet someone,
and then I did, and you're...

great.

And now I don't know what to do.

Oh, my God.

This is just...

This is... Fuck.

I... I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?

Yes.

No.

I don't know. This is just...
It's a lot, you know?

Yeah.

This is from one of my favorite bands,
and they're called Long Weekend.

And the song came out
when I was in college

and I just always sort of loved it.

So...

Stars in flight

Forever tonight

Forever tonight

Shine so bright

Forever tonight

Forever tonight

Tell me how you know
How you know, how you know

Tell me how you know
How you know, how you know

That nothing lasts forever

Nothing lasts forever

Tell me how you know
How you know, how you know

Tell me how you know
How you know, how you know

That it's too late

Because my heart won't wait forever

Constellations above me

Where did you go?

Where did you go?

Hold on if you still love me

How will I know?

How will I know?

So tell me how you know
How you...

Hello.

Hey.

So listen...

I really like you...

but I can only stay here
for a little bit before I have to...

get back.

So can we just...

maybe enjoy this?

- Just enjoy this?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

So now that we got that out of the way...

I need your help with something first.

- So why this place?
- 'Cause it's not going anywhere.

- Just the one safety-deposit box?
- That's right.

- Yes, please.
- And will it be in your name?

In my name, but I'd like to make sure
that she has access to the box as well.

- Of course. I'll just need your license.
- Sure.

Okay. Now if you could
just fill this out right here.

All right. And this is yours.

I'll leave you to it.

Thank you so much.

Well?

Right.

Hyundai?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

So...

you did have...

ulterior motives here.

Kind of. Yes, it's true.
I had to find somebody with an ID.

Okay, so I'm just somebody
with an ID to you?

No, of course not.
I could have found anyone.

There's a reason I came to you.

I was drunk and sleepy?

Exactly. You were a very easy target.

But, really, why me?

Oh, buddy.

There are...

a lot of reasons, okay?

But just know
that I was drawn to you and I still am.

Okay. I can live with that.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- So what now?

Well, we could...

Sex?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

I would like to see... a bear.

This bear is a terrible kisser.

Keep going.
Keep your eyes closed. Eyes closed.

And stop.

Now come to me.

I know you're close.

- A snake.
- A snake.

- How do I do a snake?
- That's kind of a you problem.

That's how it is, huh?

- That's not a snake.
- That's for sure a snake.

- Push, push, push.
- I am.

Hard. Hard.

Three, two... Okay, step out.

Just let your arms go.

Don't you have door frames in the future?

Yeah, but this is gonna blow
their fucking minds.

And stop.

Oh, shit.

What's that thing?

This is a rattlesnake, and it is its tail.

I can see.

Oh, God! Jesus.

So how long do you have?

Just a little bit.

Not long enough.

It's just, you know,
it gets tricky if you stay too long.

Right.

The fucking future?

Yeah, 2052.

- We have time travel in 2052?
- Not all of us.

She works for a secret branch
of the NSA or something.

That "or something"
is that this chick is crazy.

I thought so too, but then she...

- She kind of convinced me.
- How? How?

She sang this song from her favorite band.

And?

And it was a song
I had never heard before.

That's it? She didn't even try the whole
"Future Biff convincing Past Biff

he was real by telling him
the outcome of a game"?

No, I thought she would,
but it was mostly just a song.

Do you understand how easy it is
to come up with a song?

- It's that not easy.
- It is so easy. I will do it right now.

I got my flip-flop
I got my tip-top

I got my...
Summer love

Now I'm from the fucking future.
Worship me.

- It was better than that.
- That was pretty good, right?

- Wasn't bad.
- Dude, come on. Flip-flops, summer love?

That was off the top of my dome.

- I know. I understand.
- It was catchy.

Like "I might have missed
my calling" catchy.

It was more than just a song, all right?

She was also just really specific
and really normal and really sane.

And I can't explain why,

but I really do believe her.

I mean...

it could be true.

Dude, no one is happier than me
that you're getting your beak wet, okay?

- I am thrilled. With all that Whit stuff...
- Don't bring that up.

After all the Whit stuff
and the treatment...

- It's not that. I'm fine.
- ...and all of that...

I know you are.
I'm just saying that maybe

this isn't the right thing
for you to get involved in.

Maybe you need something
a little more stable, you know?

Timmy Emerson.

Normal response. What about him?

- Do you remember him?
- Yes, I remember him.

He was a cancer kid from school.
Who cares?

In fourth grade, he was diagnosed
with stage 4 leukemia.

I know. His Make-A-Wish was
to go to a live taping of Full House.

I was super jealous of that.

That fall, the doctors told his parents
treatments weren't working.

He wouldn't live past Christmas.
Christmas came. Timmy was still here.

And then it was spring.
Timmy was still around. He seemed fine.

And then his parents took him
for a checkup

and the cancer was just gone, you know?

- I mean, that's fucking crazy.
- Yeah.

If that's a thing
that happened in the world,

then why can't she be from the future?

Because those are
two completely different things.

But it's not though. It's inexplicable,
but it still happened, you know?

It's a crazy fucking thing,
and it still happened.

I mean, it's possible, is all I'm saying.

Yeah.

- You know, it happened.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, buddy. Look.

I get it.

I do.

I know it's hard to recognize

when someone you care about is sick.

- I saw it with you.
- Oh, my God. This isn't that.

I know, this is different. I get it. Okay?

But it seems like something's going on
with this girl, right?

And I know it's scary
when you see someone

that you know really well start
to come unglued.

She isn't me, okay?
This is very different.

Yes. Can you just sit down?

- Don't do that.
- Do what?

- Don't treat me like that.
- I'm...

I just don't wanna see you
take steps backwards.

- I don't want your fucking help, Doug.
- Barty.

Bart...

- Okay, I'm ready.
- Okay.

Just keep in mind
I haven't done this in a while.

- Understood. No judgment.
- Okay.

- Ready?
- Yep.

Hit it.

Okay.

That's it.

- Bravo!
- Thank you.

- Encore!
- Okay. No.

That was really something.

Okay, it is your turn.

No, I can't compete with that.

- I was never in a dance recital.
- Well, too bad.

You're gonna have to figure out
something to show me.

Yeah, this way.

Okay, so when I was having my problems,

my doctor said it would be good
to have a physical outlet of some kind,

so I started doing this.

Is this an exercise class or something?

- No.
- What is it?

You'll see.

What?

It's dancing in the dark.

Don't think about anything.
Just dance and sweat and...

go crazy.

If you're really from the future,
you'll have to give me some specifics.

Like... are we all doomed?

Does George Martin
ever finish those books?

Do the Pirates win the World Series? Ever?

I don't know offhand.
I'm not a sports almanac.

Then I don't know
if I believe you. How about that?

Oh, really? Seriously?

Yeah, you tell me you've unlocked
the secrets of time travel,

but all I have to go off
is a song you sang me

and your wildly charming disposition.

Look, it isn't a good idea for me
to get into specifics.

But I can tell you

that someone as pale as you
is definitely the minority now.

Otherwise, I don't know.
I guess it's not that different.

It's hotter and drier in some places.

Colder and wetter in others.
There are more extremes.

There's still conflict and wars,

and most think it's worse
than it's ever been,

but I'm not sure it's so different.

'Cause at the end of the day,
people still want the same things.

Still wanna have good jobs,
go on vacation, see the world,

get drunk, get married, get a dog,

buy a house, have some kids.

We all still wanna feel valued and happy

but are confused when we get
all the things we want but still don't.

I guess we're all still messy
and flawed and confused

but just trying to do the best we can.

Just trying to find love.

Does that make sense?

I think so.

You're not gonna give me a little hint
about the Pirates in the World Series?

Oh, my God, give it up.

That'd be too much.

But I will tell you about this one time
when I was a little girl,

maybe 6 or something,

there was this huge meteor shower.

And it was the biggest one in over
like a thousand years or something,

and my dad really wanted
to watch it with me.

So we drove out
to a desert like this one...

because he loved the desert
when he was alive.

I guess he's alive right now.

So we packed up these snacks...

and hot chocolate,

and we drove to the desert
and sat on a hill like this one.

And the showers weren't supposed
to start till the middle of the night.

So I felt super cool 'cause I got
to stay up late and drink hot cocoa.

But then, eventually, I fell asleep
on his shoulder and he woke me up.

He nudged me a little
and he said, "Hey, sweet pea, look up."

And above us was...

just a brilliant sight.

Thousands of meteors
streaking through the sky,

white and purple, blues, green...

It was like the sky had just exploded

into this amazing celestial dance.

And it was just the most beautiful sight
I've ever seen.

Can you imagine such a thing?

I can.

So don't miss it. Okay?

Okay.

Hello?

Vienna?

There you are.

Hey. Buddy.

You okay?

Yeah. Morning.

Morning.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah, I'm good.

Do you wanna hit the road?

Maybe get some coffee?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Home sweet home.

Yeah.

Hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm just...

real tired.

Cannonball!

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Did I wake you?

You might have.

Good. Because we've got things
we have to do.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I made us a picnic and everything.
So let's go. Come on. Out, out, out.

- Up, up, up. Go, go, go.
- Five minutes.

Okay.

Well, then I guess
I could always go for some... butthole.

No!

- I want that butt!
- Okay, okay, I'm up, I'm up.

- A mouse.
- Oh, where?

Yeah, you see the two ears
and then its little nose right there?

You know, I'm okay, right?

Okay.

Like I'm not crazy.

Unstable. You know, it's just...

It's just a thing that happens
when you travel.

If you're out
of your own time for too long,

your brain chemistry kind of shifts,
and then you can start feeling...

untethered.

That's why I can't stay long.

Last fall, I...

I became really anxious about...

everything.

Like life in general, I guess.

I mean, my mom died,

and things with Whit,
my ex, weren't great.

And I wasn't getting any work,
and I, like, stopped sleeping,

and I stopped going out,
and I stopped, like,

wanting to do anything.

And at some point, I kind of lost touch
with what was real and what wasn't.

You know?

Yeah, I do.

So that's when Doug stepped in
and made me get help.

And at first I was so pissed at him.

But looking back, I really...

I really needed it.

Just being a person is hard, huh?

Hold on. Slow down.

Yeah.

That's good. What does that mean?

It means, "I'm very sorry,
but I don't speak Italian very well."

That's useful.

- How do you know so much Italian?
- Oh, my God.

People got really into Italian
after Venice.

What happened in Venice?

What do you think happened in Venice?

What else you got?

Translation?

"I am a bad conversationalist
but a superb lover."

- Yeah.
- Use that one a lot, do you?

- You know, just some basics.
- Right.

Does this need more salt?

Okay.

- We just need more wine and we're good.
- It's in the other room. I'll get it.

What is the phrase again?

Vienna, help me. I'm stuck
in a loop with the conversatore.

We need to start with some basic phrases.

Like, "Where's the bathroom?"
and "I'm lost" and "Thank you."

'Cause I'm kind of shitting
the bed on this.

Hey, hey.

Buddy, what's going on?

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- I'm sorry. I can't...

- I got you.
- I can't stop.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

- Take deep breaths.
- I've just stayed too long.

I don't wanna go.

- It's okay. We'll figure it out.
- Okay.

Take deep breaths. It's okay. I got you.

I just don't know what to do

because I love you.

I love you too.

It's gonna be okay.
We're gonna figure it out. All right?

It's okay. It's okay.

You're okay. Okay.

Hey. It's all right.

- Hey, you all right?
- Hey. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just...

I'm sorry for being a dick, man.
I'm really sorry.

Barty, it's okay, man.

I just... I don't know...

I don't know what to do, Doug.

Just tell me what to do.

I don't know, man.
I mean, if you really like this girl...

I do. I do so much.

Well, then...

help her.

You know better than anyone.

Sometimes we've gotta step in
and help the people we love.

Yeah, you're right.

Good advice.

Thanks, Doug.

I'm here, man.
Just call if you need anything, okay?

Will do. You're the best.

Perfect. Thanks for fitting us in.

Yeah, that's correct.

- Morning.
- Morning.

I have something for us to do.

Okay.

It's such a pretty day, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's really pretty.

You don't believe me, do you?

I don't know.
I want to and I'm trying to...

but I don't know if I can.

Either way, I...

I don't wanna lose you.

And the people inside, they can help.

They helped me last fall when I...

came untethered.

Dr. Wallace, dial 118, please.

Dr. Wallace, please dial 1-1-8.

Just talk to the doctor and then we can
go get some food or something.

Yeah, of course.

It's no big deal.
He just refers you to someone else.

You just sort of tell him what's going on
and then he makes an assessment,

and then that's it.

Low pressure.

Nice. I like low pressure.

I'll be here the whole time.

We're ready for you.

Okay.

Hey, it's gonna be fine.

Yeah.

Hey, you.

I love you.

And that's real, okay?

So you just remember that.

That this will always be real.

Okay, buddy?

Okay, buddy.

I love you too.

Sir, are you okay?

Sir!

Nurse, he's awake.
Can we have someone in here?

Thank you.

Hey, pal.

All right. Welcome back. How you feeling?

You've been in and out for a while now.

I've got a bad headache.

Yeah, that makes sense.

If you push that button,
you can get a little hit of morphine.

I asked for one too,
but they were like, "Nah."

What's going on, Doug?

What is going on?
A lot is actually going on.

I mean, the doctors will explain this
way better than me,

way bigger words,

but you had a tumor sitting
on your brain, pal.

They said that you're incredibly lucky

that you were at the hospital
when it ruptured

or you wouldn't have made it.

But they... They got it?

- Yeah, they operated on you.
- They got it out?

Got it all out. Scooped it out.

They said you'll be good as new
in a couple of days.

Well, that's good.

Yeah, it's really good, man.
It's really good.

- Yeah.
- Jesus.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Where's Vienna?

Okay. So...

So oftentimes when someone has a tumor

pressed against their brain
like you did,

apparently, it can affect the way
that they process information.

Right. But where is she?

Bart, can we wait
for the doctor to get here?

No, just tell me where she is.

- I'd rather the doctor explain.
- Where is she? Just tell me.

She's not real, Bart.

I tried to track her down.

I couldn't find anything.

None of her stuff is
at your apartment or at the hotel.

Yeah. Yes, it is.
What are you talking about?

I know it sounds impossible,
but the doctor said that this can happen.

This isn't funny.

Give me my phone.

- I already checked that. It's not...
- Give me my phone, Doug.

What the fuck?

You erased my pictures?

I didn't erase them.
They were never there.

- You're lying.
- Bart.

Why are you doing this, man?

- I'm not lying.
- What the fuck?

Bart.

Come here.

Come on, man.

It's okay.
I'm just happy you're here, man.

Cannonball!

Oh, you got me in the marbles,
Cannonball Guy.

- And now you must pay.
- It tickles!

- Daddy, he's tickling me.
- I gotcha!

- That tickles!
- All right, Booger Monster.

Let's give your uncle Bart some space
so he can get settled in.

Bye, Booger Monster.

All right.

I think it looks cool.

Could be worse.

- Up close it looks kind of gross.
- Yeah. It's pretty fucking disgusting.

- Thanks for getting my stuff.
- No problem.

You might wanna go back and double-check
to make sure I got everything.

'Cause I had Eve with me,
so who knows what I left behind?

- Will do.
- Yeah.

You gonna be okay in here?

Oh, yeah. I'll be super cozy.

Yeah, but are you gonna be, like, okay?

Did I ever tell you about the time
I went down to Cancún?

- Like, years ago with Whit?
- Yeah.

On the plane, I was sitting
next to this older Black guy

wearing a head-to-toe cowboy outfit.

- I don't believe this.
- It's true.

We get to talking,
and he tells me he's from Maryland.

So I'm like, "What the hell is up
with the clothes? I gotta ask."

And he says
that he used to be a big-rig driver

and he would crisscross
the country every week.

This one time he was outside of El Paso.

He was getting out of his truck
and spilled coffee all over himself,

just everywhere.

So he goes to a truck stop
to get cleaned up,

but he decides
he's just gonna buy a new shirt.

But all they have are cowboy shirts.

So once he gets the cowboy shirt,
he figures, "Fuck it. Why not go all in?"

So he gets the boot and the hat
and the bolo tie, the whole deal.

Goes into a diner to get something to eat.

And as he walks in the door,
this little 3-year-old girl

just lights up when she sees him.

Runs up to him, gives him a big hug.

Has her dad come over
and take a picture together.

He said it was just great, made his day.

But that's not it

because, for the next two days,
everywhere he goes in this outfit,

people just light up when they see him.

And that's when he realizes
that everyone loves seeing a cowboy.

And he loved that feeling so much,

of bringing that, like, simple joy
into every room he walked into,

that he decided from that moment on,

he was always gonna dress like a cowboy.

He seems like a pretty chill guy.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And I remember thinking:

"God, I wanna have stories like that
when I'm older," you know?

And now it's like...

Well, I'm older and I have stories, but...

I don't know,
I thought my stories would be different.

I just...

I thought they'd be happier.

Come on, Barty. They will be, man.

They will be. You just gotta give it time.

It's just, when I thought she was crazy,
she was still real.

You know,
I could still... hold her and smell her.

But now it's...

Look, you know I don't subscribe

to the whole "everything happens
for a reason" bullshit.

But for some reason, that girl,

or hallucination or...

I don't know,
whatever manifestation was caused

by that lemon-sized mass
on your frontal lobe...

made it so that you were at a hospital
exactly when you needed to be.

And for the life of me,
I can't figure out a rational reason

as to why the fuck that would happen.

But it did. And you're here.

I don't know, man. It's just...

I just know that that girl came
into your life for a reason.

That's enough for me.

I'll get you some cowboy stuff
if you want it.

That was actually the point
of my whole story.

- Knock, knock.
- Hey, Larry.

Hey. Dropping by to see how you're
settling in after your first week.

Good. Good, I think. Yeah. Thanks.

That's great. And just so you know,
everyone is so thrilled to have you here.

And if you need any more time to recover
for your head stuff, that's totally cool.

- I really appreciate that. Thank you.
- Nah, come on.

Hey, it's a medical company.

If anyone knows
that medical stuff happens,

it's us, right?

Yeah, I guess you would know that.

- Keep up the good work, partner.
- Thanks.

Larry, you dumb idiot.
You forgot the reason you came by.

Your first check. Yeah.
All right. Now I'm really leaving.

Thank you.

Pound it.

Yeah, there you go. That'll be our thing.

Thank God you're still alive.

Yeah. It's gonna take more
than some dumb tumor to get rid of me.

Oh, let me look at you.

If I was younger
and I would've seen you across a bar

- with that...
- Oh, yeah?

I would've given you
the keys to the kingdom.

Man. You know,
in another life, Patricia, you and me,

we could've been
real destructive together.

I would have ruined your life.

I got you something.

- Oh, no, really? That's sweet.
- Yes.

For all the times you saved my sanity.
One parting shot.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Oh, I didn't tell you who's moving in.

- Tell me.
- Two EDM DJs.

- EDM.
- No.

- They're a couple.
- That is so many beats per minute.

- It's gross.
- Love really does find a way.

I guess it does.

You don't have to rush.

Those idiots aren't moving in
until tomorrow.

Oh, here we go.

Mr. Morelli.

No, you cannot keep borrowing my plunger.

Because you're an adult
and this is disgusting.

Your IBS is not my problem.

- This is you right here.
- Thank you. Thanks very much.

I love you, buddy. That's real.

Always yours, Vienna.

PS, look for the Pirates
to win big in the late '20s.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull