Original subtitles

Wake up.

Wake up.

Tom...

Tom.

Why are you filming with my camera?

Don't you want to have this on your own camera?

Cut it out. Stop it!

Stop it!

Cut it out!

Give it to me.

Give it to me!

Alicia, you look lovely today.

Tom...

...there's something that I have to say to you.

I think you're a horrible, useless person.

No one has ever hurt me as much as you have.

How To Stop A Wedding

Chapter 1

We welcome you on board this train from Malmö to Stockholm.

The estimated journey time is 5 hours and 17 minutes.

We wish you all a pleasant journey.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

You're sitting in my seat.

I booked that seat.

I'll throw up if I travel backwards.

Well, that's why I booked it.

I have to sit facing forwards.

Have you seen my bag?

-No. -A bag that I...

Damn it!

Fuck!

So you didn't find your bag?

Obviously not!

What did you have in it?

Everything.

I had everything in the bag.

You can't have had everything in the bag.

You can't have had everything in the bag.

Did I not have everything in the bag?

Sometimes it's just as well to lose everything-

-and start all over from scratch.

What's important is what you've got left.

What have you got left?

What's that?

This is my guitar. I've got that left.

Why did you take it with you?

Because music is my life.

I won it in a quiz.

What type of quiz - a Music Quiz?

A Nature & Animals Quiz.

Strange prize...

...or was it a consolation prize?

-Actually, it was 1st prize. -Congratulations.

What else have you got...

...in that bag?

-A book. -What's it about?

It's about revenge.

A wedding invitation.

Is that another quiz prize?

I'm impressed. You need a lot of luck to win on those machines.

They were a present actually.

My name is Philip...

I'm going to throw up.

Chapter 2

Don't you have any more questions?

Yeah, sure...

If you got to choose between smelling like a wet dog every day-

-and walking like a crab for the rest of your life-

-which would you choose?

How does a crab walk?

You know, like a crab - sideways.

I don't know.

Sort of...

...like this.

I don't think so.

Just as well you didn't get that question in the Animal Quiz.

So you would prefer to smell like a wet dog?

-You're well suited to being a crab. -Thanks.

Let's see what we've got here!

Oh dear...

Moisturizer for dry elbows.

-Do you have dry elbows? -No.

This is anti-ageing cream.

Hydrocortisone for rashes and stuff like that.

-A book. -What's it about?

Time travel.

Some vitamins and minerals...

...good to take when it's cold and dark outside.

-Some other tablets. -What kind of tablets?

What kind of tablets?

It's heart medication.

What's wrong with your heart?

I had a heart attack when I was fourteen years old.

It's unusual.

We were having a presentation in school.

I had prepared for it and I was standing in front of the class.

Just as I was about to start-

-I felt a pain and collapsed.

I had to learn to write again - the fine motor skills were affected.

I had to give up football and start playing chess instead.

But I'm fine now. I just take one every day.

Hello!

Hi, I'm on the train.

Good, how are you?

I forgot my bag on the platform. I've got nothing to wear.

Have you got anything that I can borrow?

I'm just joking.

No, everything is fine.

I know.

No, I...

I promise not to flash my breasts in church.

I'll be silent as a mouse.

OK, good luck!

Bye.

I'm going to a wedding too.

I shouldn't even be going to this wedding.

I'm not even invited.

-Amanda, my name is Amanda. -Hi!

Chapter 3

So you're that guy then?

What guy?

When the priest asks if anyone has objections-

-you come storming into the church.

Maybe not quite like that.

That girl... What's her name? Alicia.

How did you meet her?

I met her in Prague one weekend last summer.

-Were you there with her? -No.

I was there on business.

I travel to the same place every year to do the same boring things.

There was a knock on my hotel room door the first night.

There she was, Alicia.

She was beaming!

She had a hamster in her hand and asked if it was mine.

A hamster?

Someone had left a fucking Czech hamster-

-in the corridor between our rooms. How often does that happen?

What did it look like?

Well, it was brown and white. It was quite ugly.

We tried to figure out who would take care of it.

Eventually we agreed on joint custody.

I would care for it the first day and she came for it the next day.

The following day she came by my room-

-and we discussed what we would call it.

What did you call it?

Franz.

You know...Kafka.

We just sat there talking and...

And you fell head over heels for her?

Yes.

We kissed and then we spent the whole weekend together.

What was she like?

I'm not sure if I can describe her without sounding cliché.

It was as if she got the whole world to revolve around her.

When we went out to eat we were given a really nice table.

When we walked along the street people noticed us and...

It was really fantastic. I've never experienced anything like it.

Did she mention what she was going to do when she came home...

...if there was anyone waiting for her?

No, she didn't.

How does anyone fall head over heels in love like that?

What's it all about?

-Well... -Is it her "angel hair"?

Is it her big eyes?

Is it the polka dot dresses or some kind of fantasy?

Maybe it's the cupcake earrings!

Damn it!

-What are you doing? -You know her!

-Here you are, interrogating me! -I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

-You know everything now. -I'm sorry.

Who knows, you might call her and ruin everything?

I'm not going to do that.

-What are you doing? -Go ahead and call her.

I'm not going to call her.

Call her. I'll get off at the next station.

-I'm not going to call her! -Why not?

-I'm not going to call her. -Why not?

We're now approaching Alvesta. Next stop, Alvesta.

I'm not going to call her because...

...no one will be happier than I if those two don't marry.

Chapter 4

How come you're invited?

Because they felt guilty-

-and because they probably thought that I wouldn't come.

But now they know that you're coming...

....so it could be an exciting wedding.

Yes, it could be...

...especially after you stopped the whole wedding.

How are you going to go about it?

I'm not sure that I want to...

Go on, tell me!

You'll just have to wait and see it live!

If you don't tell me, I'm going to call her.

Why would you do that?

I'm doing the job for you.

I don't know that. I don't know what you're going to do.

OK!

I've got a brilliant idea.

I was inspired by a film...

...and not just any film!

Love Actually, I'm sure you've seen it...

Maybe I've seen a quarter of it.

-How could you turn it off? -I wasn't impressed.

OK, well everyone except you has seen it.

There's a scene where the guy arrives at the girl's house.

It's Christmas Eve. He rings the doorbell.

She opens the door.

It's Keira Knightly.

Alicia looks like her.

He tells her not to speak because her husband is inside the house.

He puts on a tape with Christmas carols-

-to make it sound like there are carol singers at the door.

And then he takes out...

I'm sorry, I promise I won't say anything!

This is great!

I've travelled 1000 miles and thought about this for 100 days

Now I'm standing here and I have so much to give you

The first time I saw you my heartbeat felt so vital

The day my heart stops beating I want you by my side

Come with me

She's in love with an asshole!

She's marrying a jerk!

She loves a jerks and assholes!

She doesn't care about your romantic "Hollywood cue cards".

-Don't you get it? -You're wrong.

She doesn't want you to love her for all eternity.

Try saying that her hair looks awful.

She likes that kind of thing.

She loves that kind of shit.

We're now approaching Norrköping. Next stop, Norrköping!

This is not going to be the best day of their lives.

Chapter 5

-OK... -I think I should stand up.

OK. You know that it's your turn to make a speech.

You've gone to the ladies' room.

You're standing there, looking at yourself in the mirror.

You can see that you're ready for this.

You're prepared. You want to do this.

You're confident. You have no regrets.

You realize that the time has come.

You go back to your seat.

The microphone is in place.

-Microphone? -You're nervous, but that's normal.

Take a deep breath.

Pick up the microphone and begin.

From the heart.

Hi everyone!

Well, here I am-

-at the wedding between my friend-

-and the love of my life.

I shouldn't be standing here.

This is a really bad idea.

I spent 5 hours on a train today-

-with one thought on my mind:

To get off and go the other way, as far away as possible.

But...

Alicia...

...you look lovely today.

Tom...

...there's something that I have to say to you...

...because I want you to know this.

I remember when we woke up at your place...

I remember one time when we woke up at your place.

You said that you didn't want me to leave.

So we played TV games all day...

...and had sex on your couch.

It was the happiest time of my life.

I know that I shouldn't have set all my hopes on just one person-

-especially when that person is not the kind to set your hopes upon.

But that's what I did.

When you've lost everything you had...

...you really wish that you had some kind of backup.

I didn't have that.

And now I'm left with nothing.

I love you so much.

No, I do not love you!

I think that you're a horrible person!

You're useless, mean and stupid!

And I think that...

...you're totally...terribly mean!

No one in my whole life has hurt me like you have...

...but I never want to stop making love with you.

So I hope that you both understand-

-why I have to do what I'm going to do now.

You can stop filming.

Damn!

Give me the phone.

Let's do yours now.

OK.

You might as well use a TV and show that bloody film!

Say something, just say something.

OK.

OK. Sit a little further away.

OK, where am I?

You're standing outside the church, behind a bush.

You're freezing.

Your feet are wet.

Your face is wet.

You look as if you've been crying. You look bloody awful!

You feel really worthless.

You have no confidence.

You're really nervous...

...but you head in the direction of the church anyway-

-because you realize that if you don't, they'll get married.

You hate yourself...

...but you open the doors, go in and make a fool of yourself forever.

Hi, hello!

I'm sure you're all wondering who the hell I am.

There's only one person here who knows who I am...

...well, two!

And...

...actually I had planned on bringing a TV to show you a film.

A very romantic Christmas Day kind of film that everyone loves-

-and that's nice.

I was thinking that this might turn out like it does in the film-

-because it turned out well for everyone.

I hoped it would all turn out well for me and for us.

I would hold up "cue cards"-

-and you would fall in love with me again...or still.

Maybe we would very romantically-

-ride off on a white horse or something.

But I'm not sure it's going to turn out that way.

On the train here, I met a person who...

...made me understand that...

...things don't always turn out like they do in films-

-but she'll never know if she haven't seen it!

Actually, it should be enough to come here today.

That our eyes met...

...and that said everything.

Does anyone have any objections? Yes, I do.

I feel stupid, false.

I don't know, what do you say?

You choose, shall we? Come with me.

Yeah, something like that!

Chapter 6

Hang on, I've got a song!

Say it, I know them all.

I don't know the name of it.

I'll sing it for you.

It goes like this...

Hang on...

Yes! No, haven't got a clue.

-What's the name of the song? -No idea!

-Damn! -I'm sorry.

OK, the chorus goes like this...

How does it go again?

When I was seven years old, I think I was seven at the time.

My grandparents had a summer house in Italy.

I was there for the whole summer - like 10 weeks.

I'm not sure where my parents were, maybe travelling somewhere.

I was so fucking bored.

I was the only one there under the age of 70.

It was so bloody hot.

Hot and sticky and...

Everything seemed to be set in slow motion.

I just wanted to speed things up!

The beach was a long way off and there was nothing to do.

So one day after lunch-

-I went to a house nearby, a neighbour's house.

There was an old man living there.

I was just walking past his house after lunch.

He was playing a song.

The music was fantastic, really great!

I was like...

...it was the best music I'd ever heard in my whole life.

It was really great.

It went like this...

It had this really cool "whack".

I went over there every day after lunch.

He always played the same song.

Every day.

No other tune, just that same one.

Some old guy lived there, I'm not sure...

Anyway, I went over there every day and I practised...

...a sort of "whack" dance.

What do you mean by "whack"? I don't get it.

-What do you mean? -You know - "whack".

I don't know what you mean.

I've no idea what you mean!

A bit like a crab!

Anyway, one day when I went over there-

-he wasn't playing the tune.

The following day when I went over there again-

-six men in black suits came out of the house.

They were carrying a coffin.

They put it into a big black car.

But it wasn't sad because...

...the road was really rough and bumpy.

When the car drove off-

-it made a sort of "whack" dance.

It was like...

Do you still dance?

Don't you dance?

If you got to choose between...

Press play when I say "play".

Play.

Chapter 7

Ladies and gentleman...

...we're approaching our next stop - Södertälje.

We're awaiting an oncoming train and the signal to pass.

We will continue very shortly.

What's your name again?

Philip...

And you're Amanda....

-You can actually lock this door. -We should have thought of that.

Wait, sit up.

Where the hell are we?

Ladies and gentlemen, we've finally arrived in Stockholm...

...our last destination for today.

We hope that you've had a pleasant journey.

Thank you for traveling with us.

Next stop, Stockholm Central Station!

Chapter 8

-Good luck then. -Thank you, I wish you the same.

How To Stop A Wedding

Shot in five hours on a train from Malmö to Stockholm