Original subtitles

Riley Save me from my mom PLLEEASE

DELILAH sry ! for riley - wrong chat !

Nathan Today still good ?

Yo, yo, yo, what's up ?

Thank you so much for doing this.

Can she even see this fake boyfriending I'm doing ?

Oh, yeah. I guarantee you she is watching from that window right now.

She's gonna go binge "Seventh Heaven," which is her, like, really dark go-to.

So, with pictures, are you, like, good with taking them ?

'Cause, just 'cause she stalks my Insta, so.

Oh, she's nervous for the fake date !

Wherever you want to drop me off is totally cool.

I'm good.

Oh. Okay, great. Awesome.

Well, if you want to go anywhere, I'll happily pay for it.

Yogurtland or Din Tai Fung or whatever.

Oh, my God. Riley won't stop texting me.

Ask Cunt if she's looking for a ride.

- From your phone ? - Yes.

See ? She trusts him.

- Should I call her a cunt ? - Yes.

cunt r u looking for a ride ?

to delilah's

Okay.

Cool. So we'll go get Riley.

Can I ask you something ?

- You know when we kissed ? - Yes, that was fucking hilarious.

- Yeah, it was so funny. - So good.

So, like, when you're dating someone, like, for real, not like us...

...you can't, like, ask, like,

"How was it ?" or, like, "Was I good ?"

Wait, you want to know if your kissing was good ?

Yeah. Is that weird ? You don't have to.

Oh, no, I'm definitely going to.

Okay, so, first, I would say, lips like pillows, that's great.

Pillows ? Okay. Okay, great. Wow.

Tongue was definitely too hard and muscle-y, like a little jabby.

- Okay, I'll watch out for that. - Yeah.

Once this guy ran his tongue over my teeth, and at first, I was like,

"What the fuck is this weird Sonicare action ?"

And then I was kind of into it.

I don't know. I wouldn't recommend that for you, though.

I would just, like, go in a little firm, but not too pushy-push.

Like, that, like a little less active.

- Less active ? - Yes.

Okay, that's great advice. Thanks.

Don't ask me to practice with you.

No. No, no, no, of course not. Oh, my God.

So you don't want to.

No, I mean, I would love to.

I'm messing with you.

Only 'cause I love you.

Arianna Does this work ? y or n ?

Oh, my God. This is, like, no ! She looks like a glow stick.

I don't wanna be that gay, but, like, this is a cry for help. X-arms emoji.

Wherever you're going, I need you back by six thirty.

Why ?

Your cousin is moving to Anaheim

and is coming for dinner, and your mother wants you home.

- Wait, what cousin ? - Christina. She just got here.

Okay, I've literally never heard of her, and she should have asked me.

No, nobody needs to ask you.

This is what you do for family. You show up.

So you can stop being so selfish now.

Listen, cabrona, in this, I'm very with your mother,

and I'm very sick of Little Miss Do What I Want.

She's Skyping exactly at six thirty to see you and your cousin,

so be home, or she won't be letting you go out at all.

How about I come home when I want,

and she try to not let me out all the way from Guadalajara ?

Not today, Satanás.

Not today. Be home at six thirty.

I just had to endure my dad screaming at his girlfriend,

who started sobbing uncontrollably,

and somehow I had to be the one to make her feel better,

which my mom saw and then freaked out about, so...

Hello, I hate everyone.

How are you guys ? Are you guys on another one of your sad fake dates ?

- Creepy, right ? - It's more just sad than anything.

Neither of you can date real people, so you just fake-date each other.

Oh ! She's mad on the home front and coming for us.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I would not even know how to go on a real non-hookup date.

What was your last good date before this ?

- No way. - What ?

- That's not true. - What ?

- Bo was your first real date ? - Define "date."

Okay, fine, yes.

And whatever, 'cause we just weren't right for each other.

- How do you know that ? - Because there was zero chemistry.

But, like, I don't know, like, on "Married at First Sight,"

the wives are always like, "Ew, I hate you. Don't touch me."

But that's just 'cause they're arranged marriages.

- Yeah, Jamie and Doug. - Yes, exactly.

Like, at first, she thought he was so ugly

and didn't even want to take wedding photos with him.

- He was legit ugly. - He was so sweet.

No, I know. He was so genuinely patient and understanding.

So, at the end of six weeks, she's like,

"I actually love you a lot, Doug. Let's stay married."

I don't know, maybe it's, like, worth another try.

Greta: i think my mom is chucky's bride's bridesmaid

No.

She's my friend, and we're literally right there.

- That is not why you're doing it. - Doing what ?

Oh, my God ! Two people have never been so annoying in their entire lives !

He's picking up Greta so we'll be forced to spend time with each other,

'cause he's Mr. Matchmaker, except he can't matchmake himself.

Oh, okay. Now I'm definitely doing it.

Hi !

Hey.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey. Need help ?

Mama says buckle up.

Thank you for coming.

- Moms are literally so annoying. - Not when they're dead.

I don't ever know what to say when you do that.

I know. I'm such a twat. Gimme Red Vines,

and good call, by the way, 'cause fuck that plastic Twizzler shit !

I feel like we're having identical days.

- Yeah ? - Yeah.

- Are you okay ? - Yeah, I'm good.

No. No, thanks.

I just want to not be home, so wherever you're going.

We are taking Riley to Delilah's,

and then the world is our Din Thai Fung oyster, Nathan's treat.

- Um, so are you gonna text him ? - Wait, what are we talking about ?

Nothing. Stop, stop.

I'm driving everyone. I get six miles to the gallon.

I do not need a gangbang coming for my love life.

We're trying to get you a love life. I am Team Second Chance.

Greta, where do you fall on second chances ?

Uh, yeah. Totally. Second chance it.

- Do you have any money ? - Yeah.

- Gas. - Thank... you ?

Sorry. Oh.

It's okay.

- I'll see you around ? - Yeah, definitely.

- Bye, guys. - Have fun.

Hi. Come in, come in. It's so good to see you.

So this is kinda weird,

but I kinda have to ask 'cause it's kind of in the middle of happening.

- Okay. - Read this.

Cooper: hey do you want to hang out sometime ? okay ! Today ?

What do you think it means ?

I guess he's asking if you want to hang out sometime today ?

Yeah. Okay, that's what I thought. But, like, what does it mean ?

'Cause Naomi likes him ?

But just 'cause she likes him doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

Wait, do you think he does ?

I mean, if he's asking to hang out today, uh, yeah. Probably.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, God.

- So, is he coming over ? - No. You're here.

I don't want to be that girl who's like, "Come over,"

and then blows you off for a guy.

Okay. But I'm fine if he comes over.

- Really ? - Yeah.

I'm sure he just wants to borrow my French notes or whatever.

- That's not what he wants. - So, like, how would you respond ?

No, what ? She looks like a glazed donut.

Wait, pull over here.

Okay.

Can we take a picture ? My mom thinks all skaters are drug addicts.

I love it !

- So cute ! - Yo !

- Oh, my gosh. Yo ! - Hey !

- Yo, you ever break a finger ? - Uh, when I was, like, eight.

- How'd you break it ? - Playing T-ball.

Yeah, see ? I knew it was you.

She joined the team, and on her first day, she broke her finger.

- Wait, you were there ? - And this is just coming up now ?

Why's everyone gotta tell everyone everything all the time ?

Uh, you coulda just been like, "We know each other."

For what ?

I don't know. That's what you do to, like, be friendly.

Okay, well, I'm being friendly now.

How do you even remember that ?

'Cause when you showed up, I was like,

"That Gretita girl's a pussy and gonna suck," and then...

...the ball hit you and your finger was, like, dangling from your hand...

...and you didn't cry, and then I was like,

"Shit, that Gretita's got nerves of steel. I want her on my team."

- But you never came back. - And now she is on your team.

- Can you hang ? - Well, we got fake dating to do...

And you guys have your sports and steel girl stuff to catch up on, so bye !

- But wait... - Love you, Gretita !

I don't love you !

You wanna skate ?

This was really nice of you today.

As your friend, I think they're right. You should text Bo.

I mean, my mom's always like, "Write it out, take six deep breaths,

see how you feel, and if you want to send, then send." So, it could be like,

"Hi. That was a weird first date, but I really like you. Can we try again ?"

Wait, did you write that on my phone ?

Yeah, 'cause you're driving, but I'm not gonna send it.

-No, stop. Stop ! Give me my phone ! - Just to see how it reads.

- Oh, my God. I am so sorry. - What the fuck did you do ?

- I was just trying to help ! - No, you fucked everything up !

I'm down

Yes !

Oh, my God, the nineties were so fucked.

What would it be like to have to call people for everything ?

So stressful. You couldn't just text what's up. You'd have to be like,

"I'm dialing ten numbers, and hi, how are you doing ?

Let me hear all the stuff I don't want to hear.

I just wanted to text you what's up."

I'm so glad we were not born then.

Fuck. This was a bad idea.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Sorry. This is my brother, Evan. - Oh, Evan, hi.

We're playing Monopoly, if you want to play.

- I like Monopoly. - Our Monopoly is different.

- Like, our rules are really different. - I mean, I'm game if you are.

I love Monopoly. Come in. Yeah. Oh, Riley's here, too.

Hey, what's up ?

Okay, so, Evan, you roll the dice and then move your token,

and then wherever you land, the property, we all buy together.

- Okay, so everybody take a token. - Um, how much is this one ?

- Can you hand me one, Vivian ? - Oh, sure.

You want to try and land on the community fridges...

...'cause then you'll get money from the community garden.

Just in case you run out of money. Sorry.

Alright, so everyone starts off with five hundred Bernie Bucks.

Wait, so how you play, you can't get a monopoly ?

No. Capitalism is white supremacy.

So, Evan, you'll be a freshman next year ?

Yeah, I'll be a freshman next year.

Yeah, but we're gonna get to play together when he makes varsity.

And he's totally going to because he's so good.

- Maybe you want to come to a game ? - Cool. I love baseball.

- Yeah ? - No, you don't.

You said all professional sports are just male-dominated, money-making,

rapist-defender organizations.

No, I did not say that. Just some.

Anyway, I don't even know if they'll let me try out since I'm trans.

Well, then we'll boycott or protest or whatever you need.

Also, Jesus Christ, Renée Richards ? Alright, here we go.

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

Ooh, look at you.

Hey.

- Hey. - Hey !

I... I know. A nerd who doesn't cosplay. I'm full of surprises.

- You look amazing. - Thank you.

- I think that we have some- - It's really ni- No, sorry. You go.

What ? No. It was nothing.

I am so nervous.

Do you wanna go to the store and get some snacks for the movie ?

She's an emotional eater. But also thrifty.

Okay.

Hey !

You see that ?

Do it !

- Now ! Bunny hop ! - I can't, I can't, I can't !

Ow ! Fuck ! Ugh.

You okay ?

My god.

- You okay ? - Yes.

- See ? She don't get hurt ! - I'm fine.

Wow. She got a face lift.

I love when regular things make me feel rich !

Okay. Girl came correct with this artisanal bakery.

So, like, one of those for sure, right ?

Uh, you can. I can't exactly have dairy, tree nuts, shellfish, soy,

or gluten.

Oh, Jesus. Guess we should get out of the yummy dessert section.

Well, now I feel bad.

No, sorry. That is how I flirt. My love language is bitch. Ignore me.

But before we go any further...

- What ? - Where do you fall on Twizzlers ?

I love them.

No, I'm kidding. They taste like a combo of ass and nothing.

Right ? Thank God. I was, like, freaking the fuck out for a second.

Yeah, like, the only good thing about Twizzlers is, like,

the ropey one with the nine strands.

- You can make braids. - Yes ! You get it !

Okay, come on. Let's go find you a snack that's not gonna kill you.

Tonight was amazing. Thank you so much for having me.

Yeah, of course. Thanks for coming.

No, yeah, that was awesome. Um, and, like, socialism, like, who knew ?

And I think it was- I think it was really good for Evan, too.

Is that why you wanted to hang out ? For him ?

Huh ? No. No. No. I just wanted to hang out with you.

It's just, my parents, they don't like it when I leave him home alone, so...

Sorry, I don't know what I am. Sorry.

Yeah, you do.

- Sorry ! Uh, thank you ! - Alright, bye.

Bye !

Oh, my fucking God ! Why did I do that ?

- I don't know. Why did you do that ? - I don't know.

Oh, my God.

And then we moved from St. Louis to Anaheim when I was ten,

...which was great, 'cause I was like, "Peace out, bullies.

See ya later, suckas."

Yes. I feel that. I got bullied, too.

- No way. You ? - Yeah.

I was like one of three black kids in elementary. So, a lot of hair touching,

and then, like, the weird clicking tongues thing during the Africa unit.

I got people making fun of my name, what does goat taste like,

and I should just convert because it's worth it for bacon.

People made fun of Bo ?

It's short for Bomani. It's an Egyptian name. It means "warrior."

Bomani. I love that.

I've always wanted to read one of these cheesy romance novels.

- Where are you going ? - Come on.

These hos are really serious about their supermarket experience.

Luxury. The luxury !

BUILT FOR Pleasure RITA STEELEWOOD

- A select, AKA... - Oh my god.

...random reading from the acclaimed "Built for Pleasure" by Rita Steelwood.

"She stared at the chiseled, barely-clothed man standing before her,

his piercing olive green eyes like soft moss

in the thorny garden of her dreams."

Come through, showing-not-telling.

"How was it possible that in his unwavering glance,

a deep, intimate knowledge seemed to pass between them ?

After all, she had only assembled him an hour ago."

Oh, shit. We got a male sex robot.

"She moved closer to inspect her handiwork."

"He had become human ! His skin had become warm and supple,

and a heartbeat steadily beneath the hot, firm cage of his chest."

I don't know how to feel about the fact that I am, like, so into this.

Please keep reading.

"'I want you,' he said.

'I want you right now.'

He began to stroke his chest,

his hand going lower and lower."

Ana ANSWER It's 6:30. Where the fuck r u ?

- You gotta be home ? - My mom wanted me to meet some cousin.

- Wait, is your mom back ? - No, but she's trying to control me.

Yeah. Also, when they think something's up, but they don't know, it's worse.

At least, it was for me. I finally had to be like,

"Mom, this is it. This is where I'm at. This is how it's gonna go."

And then she just stopped.

Yeah, I don't know if that's gonna work for me.

That's what I'm saying. It's kinda more your call.

- But also, I'm an asshole, so... - No, you're not.

I actually am.

I think if you like me, even though I'm an asshole,

it's probably better than you liking me 'cause you think I'm not an asshole.

What's with you and Riley ?

What do you mean ?

- You guys together, or... - Not really. No.

Yeah, I got that feeling.

So, does that mean I can kiss you ?

'Cause I really want to.

- No. - No ?

- No. - 'Cause why ?

'Cause I don't know you.

See ? You got some asshole in you.

Can you give me a ride home ?

- Feeling good about our choices ? - Feeling so good.

get free

Thank you so much.

Thanks.

Hey, Andy. I'm Chester. This is Bo.

We just reconciled, so if you could just let us in,

we would be very grateful. Please, please, please, please.

Sorry, hon. No late seating.

They won't seat our late asses.

Dang. Uh, sorry we missed it.

- Are you, though ? - No, it scared the shit outta me.

But you came anyway because you're Bomani.

What now ?

"She thought about the million moments

that conspired to lead her to this moment.

What were the chances of something like this ever happening to her again ?"

today was awesome

"Unfathomable, like attempting to discern the number of stars

in the night sky above them.

In this moment, a deep truth took hold of her thoughts.

If she didn't open herself up to him now,

she'd never get the chance again, with anyone.

She didn't want to be alone again.

It had been so long, and she was so weary.

She wanted to touch,

to be touched, to feel alive again, but

being alive meant allowing herself to be open, earnest,

ready to receive, ready to be vulnerable again.

"That was it. Vulnerability.

She couldn't be fully giving,

fully loving, fully committed without it, yet

the risk felt too great.

That's why she pulled the emotional armor so tightly around her

for so long.

But the way he looked at her made all her armor crumble

and blow away like the top layer of powdery snow after a storm."

Mami ?