Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

BILLY: Dude, that's my ghost!

SHANILA: Their cleverness and independent spirit makes them the envy

of the animal kingdom. That is why one can truly say that cats are better than dogs.

(STUDENTS CLAPPING)

Wonderful debating, Shanila.

Your counter-argument, Spencer? You have two minutes.

-(REMOTE BEEPS) -(TIMER BEEPS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Dogs. Why are dogs better than cats?

-Um. Uh, for one thing, they... -(FLY BUZZING)

No, no, that's dumb. Uh. We see they... (STUTTERS)

Hey, bro-orator, Cobra's got you covered. Just tell 'em doggies rule, kitties drool.

Spencer! Talk about their loyalty, their bravery, their shiny coats.

Say something!

(STUDENTS BOOING)

Hey, brojack! I don't get what happened back there.

You're not usually such a swag-less monkey.

Ugh, I know. It's just something about debates.

When I hear the timer ticking, and see everybody giving me

the hairy eyeball, the... the flop juices just starts flowing.

(CHUCKLES) You just need a shot of confidence.

And Doctor Cobra's got the prescription.

(GASPS)

A stupid hat?

This stupid hat is a sacred Shamalama Headdress of Iron Confidence.

Some Tibetan dudes made it for me on my Monkapalooza tour.

The fabric comes from the world's purest Tibetan yak fur,

interwoven with the pit hairs from the world's greatest pop star!

-Michael Jackson? -Hey!

-Elvis Presley? -Numb-nuts, me!

When you wear the chapeau, the confidence will flow.

And you're telling me this works?

How should I know? I've never worn it. It's made of pit hair. Ugh.

'Sides, the Cobra's not exactly hurting in the swagger department.

But you should totally give it a try.

Uh. Thanks, I think I'll pass.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Spencer, since you bombed so badly yesterday,

I've decided to give you a debate do-over.

Yay.

Once again your opponent will be Shanila.

And that is why Chinese food is better than Mexican food.

-FEMALE VOICE: Yeah! Yeah! Chinese! -MALE VOICE: Chinese! Cool!

-Mr. Wright... -(REMOTE BEEPS)

-...the rebuttal. -(BEEPS)

(TIMER TICKS)

(FLY BUZZING)

Uh...

Check out Spencer! (LAUGHS)

I used to have a hat like that. Then my dad got a job!

(ALL LAUGH)

Not really! My father's always been very successful.

(ALL LAUGH)

Friends, consider the taco.

The minerally tang of perfectly grilled carne asada,

the cooling balm of creamy, fresh guacamole,

the invigorating crunch of lettuce.

These are not merely ingredients, but a symphony for the senses,

performed in the intimate concert hall of a freshly baked tortilla.

(ALL SIGH)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Mr. Wright, in nearly 100 years of teaching,

that was by far the most inspiring, eloquent discourse on ethnic food

I've ever heard.

A-plus!

It's my honor to select you to represent Beverly Beverly High

in next week's regional debate championship.

Bueno job-o, brorito!

I gotta hand it to you, Spencer.

You really mopped the floor with me in there.

(CHUCKLES) I guess it was just my day.

Bro, how about givin' some props to the Shamalama Hat of Iron Confidence?

-So, that's why you won! -No, no.

Billy thinks the hat has supernatural powers

and gives you wicked confidence and stuff. But it's probably just a coinciden...

Hey, let me see that!

Hey! Wassup, Lolo? Not that I care. We can hang, or not. Whatever. It's chill.

It's like he doesn't even want me!

Oh, Rajeev! Take me, I'm yours!

Huh? (SCREAMS)

No ridiculous headgear on school grounds! And bam!

You've been Ponzied! You like that?

I've been working on my catchphrase. "Ponzied!"

-Good day, Lenore. -It was.

-Stylin' hat, Ponzi. -(ALL LAUGH)

Really? You like it?

(LAUGHS)

(WHISTLES)

I'm diggin' the way you freaks are getting your freak on,

but my brotege needs his lid back. Sorry.

-(SCREAMS) -(MS. RUMSFELD SCREAMS)

(ALL LAUGH)

(SCREAMS)

Thanks, dude. Man, this hat has some serious power!

We'd better not let anyone else know about it.

-I want that hat! -You'll have to fight me for it!

(BEATBOXING)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-(CROWD EXCLAIM) -Power to the pit hair!

(PANTS)

(CROWD EXCLAIM)

(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)

(PANTS) Dude, we're gonna have to make a ghost-style getaway!

Air Cobra, you have been cleared for takeoff.

(SPENCER SCREAMS, GROANS)

(BEATBOXING)

Whoa! The hat makes you fly! I want it even more now!

-Dude. You're... you're tickling me! -(CHUCKLES) Oh, sorry.

(SCREAMS)

-Better? -(SCREAMS) Catch me, you tool!

And people say I'm high-maintenance.

Dude, that hat is muy dangeroso. We better destroy it, quick!

I hear that.

(LAUGHS) Now I have the hat! It's mine. All mine!

(LAUGHS) I wish for a chili dog!

-It's not a wish-granting hat, foolio. -Oh, right.

MAN OVER MICROPHONE: We're here for the hat!

If you don't give us the hat, we are prepared to use unnecessary force!

(WHIMPERS) Uh-oh. Dude, better give me the hat.

What hat?

HUGH: Avast, ye swabbies!

Huh?

I always wanted to build one of these suckers!

(GRUNTS)

But I was afraid I'd botch it!

-It must be that hat! Let me try it! -Me first! Me first!

Ow! (CRIES)

Give me that hat! I want that hat! Let me have that hat!

-Let me have that hat! -No, Jessica! Don't!

-(JESSICA GASPS) -ALL: The hat!

(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)

And that is why soap is better than body wash! Thank you.

(AUDIENCE CHEER)

And the winner of the Regional Debate Tournament is...

Krystal Chandelier of Brevard High!

(GIGGLES) Wonderful!

Second place goes to Spencer Wright of Beverly Beverly High!

(TRUMPET BLOWS)

Great speech, Abroham Lincoln. Me and body wash are through!

Spencer, that was amazing! And you did it without the hat.

Well, turns out I didn't need it. None of us do.

You're totally right! Check the flava!

(CLEARS THROAT) Lolo, let me break it down for ya.

I want you and you want me.

So, let's stop fighting it and just get with each oth... (GRUNTS)

Dude, what else you got in that closet of yours?

Check it out! Cobra Nation is here to pay tribute to my awesomeness!

Uh. Hate to break it to you, but they're just here for the Hair-a-thon.

-The what? -My mom's giving free cuts all day long.

It's a promotional thingy.

Hmm. Haircuts, huh?

You know, I need to do a consult with Crazy Janey about my hair apparent.

I think there's a little thinning going on up here in the penthouse.

Uh. Bonjour? Jane can't see you.

Ugh! Hugh.

Did you track something into the house? Let me see your shoes.

It's not my shoes, honey. It's this delicious cheese I'm making.

-(FLIES BUZZING) -Sounds yummy.

But what about my Hair-a-thon? I've got customers coming.

-Oh, perfect! I'll give out free samples! -Ah! No! There'll be none left for us.

-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) -Hmm.

Always thinking. That's why I love you. I'll take this operation into the garage.

Good morning! I'm here for my free haircut that doesn't cost anything

and is absolutely free! Is there a dead animal in here?

Yeah, dead animal. No delicious cheese here.

Good morning, Principal Ponzi.

Start cutting!

That looks very sharp. (CHUCKLES) Watch out, single ladies!

(HAIR DRYER WHIRS)

Ah! Look what you've done to my perfectly normal hair!

-You're looking at a lawsuit, lady! -(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, come off it, Ponzi. We both know that's a cheap wig.

Tell it to the judge! Hello? I'll hold.

There's no need for that! Look, I heard about a new hair-growing machine.

Instead of getting into an ugly court battle, why not give it a shot?

-Hmm, does it work? -Oh, yes! It's still in the beta phase.

-Beta phase? -But I've been hearing great things.

-I smell a discount. -(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

If you're expecting a tip, it's not happening.

(GROANS)

(GASPS) Ooh! A package! Maybe Ponzi ordered a new math teacher.

(SCREAMS)

That guy always freaks me out.

Woah! The Hair Today 8000!

I thought this thing was still in beta testing!

Bromaine, my hair prayers have been answered!

Not now, Billy. We're late.

Huh. You're late. The Cobra's getting reupholstered.

-(BUTTON BEEPS) -(MACHINE WHIRS)

Hair goes nothing.

-(CHUCKLES) Oh, ah! -(ELECTRICITY ZAPS)

(GASPS) Oh! Oh! Oh! Me, me, me!

-(PONZI SCREAMS, GRUNTS) -(LAMP SHATTERS)

-Hmm, must be that beta phase. -(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Hey! No one likes a mirror hog, brojack.

-You're a gh... a gh... a ghost! -I am? Wait, you can see me?

(WHIMPERS) Relax, Princibro. I'm not gonna hurt ya. We're hair buddies!

(CHUCKLES) Neato. I've never had a hair buddy before.

-Billy! Billy! Where are you? -BILLY: So, now that you're

in the hair club, you're really gonna need

to start thinking about product.

-(GRUNTS) -(GROANS)

-What did you do that for? -I just felt like it.

-Don't be such a crybaby. -Uh. What's going on in here?

Um. Oh, look, a ghost! No offense. We'll talk later.

Run! (SCREAMING)

Billy, what the ham? People can see you now?

Yep! Bet the good people at the Hair Today Company

don't know what this baby does for ghosts.

(GROANS)

Dude, you know what this means?

I can be the first filmmaker to shoot a real, visible ghost!

I'll give you something to shoot.

Time to do some damage. (LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)

Okay.

(CHUCKLES) Victim number one, twelve o'clock!

-(SCREAMS) -What's up, grandma?

(SCREAMS)

-Dude, that was way harsh. -(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES) That was just my opening act.

You're gonna wanna keep that camera rolling, dude! (LAUGHS)

I gotta say, Billy may be acting like a tool drawer,

but I'm crushin' it on Metube.

Check my comments! "Dude, sickest clip ever!"

-(PEOPLE SCREAM) -(BEATBOXING)

-(LAUGHS) -Billy, maybe you should tone it down.

Your scare-a-thon is getting a little out of control.

I got an idea. Why don't you put a sock in it?

(MUMBLES)

(LAUGHS)

(MACHINE WHIRS)

-(GRUNTS) -Sorry, hair buddy.

No hard feelings. No time for a chinwag! (LAUGHS)

We'll hang later, bro, dude, guy!

Ah, Ponzi, what are you gonna do about this ghost?

It's roaming the halls terrifying people!

That ghost happens to be a personal friend.

So I suggest you just deal.

You didn't say anything about my hair!

(SLURPS)

-(SNAKE HISSES) -(GIRLS GASP)

(ALL SCREAM)

Billy, you gotta stop this! It's not cool anymore!

-(BILLY LAUGHS) -(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

I liked Billy a lot better when he had short hair.

Hey, wait a minute! That's it! Ponzi's hair machine must've turned him

all evil! We gotta stop him.

-(PEOPLE SCREAM) -(KLEET SCREAMS)

(BILLY LAUGHING)

Here he comes. Get ready.

Wow! Look at those comments! "I'm diggin' the ghost's lustrous mane.

-"He's scary gorgeous! He's scorgeous!" -Yes! Give it here!

Some stupid cat-versus-vacuum site! Hey! This isn't about my hair!

-Sorry, dude. Gotta do it. -What? A ghost containment thingy?

You slime dog! (SCREAMS)

Help! Hair buddy!

PONZI: Gimme that! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Pon-toon.

I'll deal with you later!

Oh.

Billy? Hmm.

-(GRUNTS, SCREAMS) -(LAUGHS)

(SPENCER SCREAMS)

Speñor? Dónde estás?

(SPENCER FARTS)

-It wasn't me! It was him. -Aha!

(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)

Uh-oh! (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(GROWLS)

(CHUCKLES) Quit it, Billy, or I'll break the keytar

you used on your Credit Cards Accepted Tour.

-(BILLY GRUNTS) -Uh!

(SPENCER SCREAMS)

Parmigiano di Spencer! (LAUGHS)

-(GRUNTS) -(LAUGHS)

Oh, I'd stay and watch, but the smell is très bogus, so later, traitor.

(SPENCER WHIMPERS)

-(SCISSORS SNIPPING) -(PANTS)

Done! Out!

Oh. (SIGHS)

-(SCREAMS) -(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS) Next! This mop is a mess!

(GASPS) You need a fresh start.

(TRIMMER BUZZES)

Phew! That was one Weird Al dream! (LAUGHS)

I gotta go tell Spencer about it. (GASPS)

(SPENCER MUMBLING)

Ah! Hang on, little bro peep!

-Got here just in time! -(COUGHS)

-So, uh, we good? -Are you kidding me?

-Bring it in! Whoa! -(FLIES BUZZING)

Broquefort! You reek like last week.

Well, at least I haven't had a bald-ectomy.

What's a bald-ecto... (SCREAMS)

-(BUTTONS BEEP) -(CHUCKLES) Longer! Bigger! Silkier!

-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) -(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!