Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

You guys notice anything weird about my eye?

(ALL SCREAM)

(TEETH CHATTERING)

Ah! Gotcha!

Mr. Wright, you just earned yourself detention.

Why? What'd I do?

You're standing in a no-brown-hair zone. Didn't you see the sign?

Oh, come on! What about you? Your, uh, hair is brown.

Wrong! It's russet. Have a great detention.

-(SCATTING) -(GRUNTS)

-Why is Ponzi such a jerk buffet? -(BILLY SLURPING)

Hmm. Ah, sometimes those ac-bro-demic types are just like that.

(SLURPS)

(SLURPS) So, what you up to there, cine-bro-tographer?

My dad wants to use my camera to film Jessica's audition tape

for This Country is Good at Things. She's doing some martial arts thingy.

No way, Brosé! I used to be a judge on that show.

-Let me show you some clips on MeTube. -(COMPUTER BEEPING)

(XYLOPHONE PLAYS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Let's see what our judges thought of Griselda!

Young Billy Joe Cobra?

Wow, Griselda, what did that xylobrone ever do to you?

If I had to choose between hearing that again and having my face ripped off

by a bro-eating tiger, I'd go with the tiger.

-(AUDIENCE GASPING) -(CRIES)

-Dude, that was pretty harsh-mallows. -Well, yeah!

But that's how you generate buzz.

I mean, nobody talks about the boring, nice judges.

Let's watch another one.

PONZI: I guess you could say ribbon dancing

-is my life. -(YAWNS)

I know this is what I'm meant to do.

I definitely won't end up in some boring job like a...

a school administrator.

It's Ponzi!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Mamacita!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Glenn, you're my hero.

Huh?

Doing something that dorky on national TV?

-That is guts, bro! -(AUDIENCE GASPING)

I wanna thank you, Glenn,

'cause I know that if I ever feel bad about myself,

all I have to do is remember, I'm not Glenn Ponzi.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-And now, I gotta flush you. -(BUTTON BEEPS)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

-(CHAIN RATTLES) -(FLUSHING)

(SCREAMS)

Dude, it all makes sense now. You made Ponzi the man he is today.

You crushed his dream.

That's why he's such an angry, bitter jerk.

Billy, check it.

If we can get Ponzi to follow his dream again,

I bet he'd quit his job and be out of my life forever.

(CHUCKLES) How awesome would that be?

(WHISTLES)

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, hey, Mr. Ponzi. I'm trying to learn ribbon dancing,

'cause it's such a beautiful art form.

I just wish there was someone who could give me some pointers.

The ribbon, please.

(THUMPS)

(SCREAMS)

There will be no ribbon dancing at this school, ever!

(CHUCKLES)

He's coming!

Okay, just play the song exactly as Ponzi knows it.

One, two, three, four.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh? Huh?

-(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) -(SIGHS)

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(FLUSHING)

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(GROWLS)

-(DOOR THUMPS) -Stop it! Stop it!

-Hey! -(THUDS)

-(SNARLS) -(GASPS)

-(CREAKS, CLUNKS) -(SNARLS)

Huh?

-(SHANILA SCREAMS) -(CELLO THUMPS)

-Don't ever play that song in my school. -(DOOR BANGS)

-(PONZI WHISTLING) -(KEYS JINGLING)

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

-(KEY CLANKS) -(PONZI GRUNTS)

(PONZI SCREAMS, SHRIEKS)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

-(THUMPS) -(GROANS)

-(BUTTON CLICKS) -(MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, princibro. You know you want it.

Huh?

Uh... (SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-(SPENCER APPLAUDING) -Huh?

-(APPLAUDS) -Wright? Uh, what are you doing here?

That was amazing, sir! You're a world-class ribbon dancer.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I, uh... World-class, you say?

Oh, totally, sir. I mean, I've been studying the greats,

and you can dance circles around them.

You should have seen me in my teens.

Mr. Ponzi, you have to share this gift with the world.

You should go on tour. No, no, better!

You need to go on This Country is Good at Things!

Yeah. It would be nice to show these smug know-it-alls

what real talent is. I'll do it!

All right! Come on, Mr. Ponzi. Let's get to work on your choreography.

(TAPS, SMACKS)

Don't worry about this joker, Glenn. You own this stage.

-I own this stage. I own it. -Now, go get ready.

You're on after the next act.

(PERFORMER TAPPING, SMACKING)

Eh... Whoa!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I understand this bloke has a cafe. If he cooks anything like he hambones,

I'd stick to bottled water and a packet of crisps.

-(LAUGHS) -(BUZZER HUMS)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(CHAIN RATTLES)

(FLUSHING)

Next up, is a little ball of fire from right here in Beverly Heights.

Prepare to be knocked out by the martial arts stylings

of Jessica Wright!

Oh, I forgot all about Jessica. Well, she can't beat us.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELLS CHIMING, TOLLING)

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(CLINKING)

(SWOOSHING)

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -(GASPS)

Let's see what our judges thought of Jessica.

Pinch LaTrobe, surely you've got something to say?

My policy is, if I don't have anything vicious to say,

-I say nothing at all. -(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Little Jessica, you've left me speechless!

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -(GROANS)

No! This can't be happening!

Our next contestant promises to show you a ribbon good time. (CHUCKLES)

-Put them together for Glenn Ponzi! -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUMPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. (GASPS)

We can still win! Billy, you have to go and inhabit Pinch LaTrobe,

-and make him say Ponzi's the winner. -Wait. Isn't that cheating?

-Well, I mean, I'm not sure I'd... -Don't worry. The Cobra loves cheating.

Unbrolievable! Happy emoticon! Ponzbro takes the prize!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Whoa, Pinch LaTrobe, you're losing your edge.

You turning into one of those nice, boring judges?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(CHUCKLES)

What's next? You gonna adopt a litter of fuzzy kittens,

and knit them little, rainbow-colored booties? (CHUCKLES)

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(GROANS)

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(JUDGES LAUGH)

You want edge? I'll give you edge!

Glenn, you know what I'd like to do with that ribbon?

Wrap it around a big box with you inside it,

and ship the whole package off to Swaziland.

The other thing I'd like to say is, oop-eep-moop-beloloop!

I'm using Martian-speak, because human language can't express

how repulsive your act was!

-(BUZZER HUMS) -(CHAIN RATTLES)

(FLUSHING)

Spencer! You'll pay for this!

-(LOCK RATTLES) -(KEYS JINGLE)

BILLY: Hey, Count of Monte Crisbro!

Oh, clean clothes. Thanks. I can use them.

(CHUCKLES) Tell me about it. You're costa-reekin' in here!

Huh. You wouldn't smell so fresh after a week in detention either.

Hey, brought you a little video-tainment. What you wanna view?

Welcome to Wheel of Millionaires! It's High School Principals Week,

where one lucky administrator will win enough money

to quit his boring job, and live out his life's dreams!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Definitely! But I don't know if I want mine with just cheese

or bacon and cheese...

No! We gotta get Ponzi on that show! Get me outta here!

-(GRUNTING) -(CAGE THUDS)

(BILLY GROANING)

(SNORES, GROANS)

Huh? (GROANS)

What happened? I was out cold!

And me, too!

Looks like we're not the only ones.

(ALL SNORING)

(SNORES)

(CHUCKLES) Lookin' hot, Jeevster.

I've been to some ragin' Spring Fling all-nighters before,

but not like this.

-Oh, the whole thing's a blur. -(ALL SNORING)

Yeah, I remember getting here, but that's about it.

Hey, where's Billy?

-SHANILA: Maybe he went home. -And miss the pancake breakfast?

-Nah-uh I don't think so. -Whoa!

Maybe he never existed.

M... maybe we all dreamed him, and we're just waking up.

Oh, Butt-pizza! Give me!

Hey. Wait a minute.

I'd know this soggy crust, and these nasty canned mushrooms anywhere.

This is a Sam Hoover pizza!

I bet Hoover put something in the pizza to knock us out and then nabbed Billy.

Wow! That's pretty smart for Hoover.

-I mean, we gotta rescue Billy! -Well, how are we gonna swing that?

(SNORES)

As long as we're back for the Ponzinator's 6:00 a.m. roll call,

he'll never know we left. Come on!

See? Ragin'.

-(SNORES) -(DOOR THUDDING)

Huh?

(GRUNTS) Okay, Hoover, hand over Billy! We know you've got him.

What? Oh, no, I don't!

-And you're ruining my beauty sleep! -We know your game, Hoover.

You nabbed Billy while we were passed out at the Spring Fling.

Eh... What?

Oh, well, I...

I haven't handed him over to Madame X yet.

And I could be persuaded not to...

if you give me a million dollars.

What? We don't have that kind of cheddar.

Tough! You've got till 6:00 a.m. to find it,

or else it's jarsville for ghost boy.

Ta-ta.

-(HOOVER SNORING) -(GROANS) We're hosed.

Totally! My broker doesn't get in the office till 9.

-Hey, isn't that Maureen's dad? -Huh?

He's a chaperone. He'll bust us.

Come on! (PANTING)

-(RAJEEV PANTING) -(PANTS)

(ALL PANT)

-(CELLPHONE RINGING) -(SPENCER GASPS)

(EXCLAIMS) Whoa! Love your classy, new ringtone, dude.

-Huh? It's not mine. -(RINGING CONTINUES)

-Whoa! -(CELLPHONE RINGING, BEEPS)

-Hello? -Who is this?

What have you done with my Lorenzo?

It's Ponzi!

Um, Lorenzo's fine. Don't worry.

How do I know you're not lying? Put him on!

PONZI: (SINGING) Daddy love his birdy And birdy loves him back

When daddy give his bird a seed Birdy, he says "brack"

Brack!

-Lorenzo! You are okay! -LORENZO: Brack!

Now, put the bad man back on.

(BABBLES)

PONZI: Okay, what do you want? Money?

-Money? No, I think you... -RAJEEV: Give me the phone!

(CLEARS THROAT)

That's right, Cueball. You ever wanna see Little Feathers again,

you're gonna need to cough up a cool million.

Please! I don't have that kind of money.

But I'll give you everything I have. My entire life savings!

Here's where you'll make the drop...

-(HINGES CREAKING) -(BAG RUSTLES)

-(SLAMS) -Okay! I've done as you asked!

-Now give me the bird. -(HINGES CREAKING)

Oh, no!

(PANTS)

Uh-oh. We got a problem.

-(HINGES CREAKING) -My precious!

-(LORENZO CAWS) -(PANTS)

(CAWS)

(GROANS, SHRIEKS) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Lorenzo! -(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

No! I will not lose you again!

Fifteen bucks?

-I asked for a million. -(BAG RUSTLES)

If you invest this wisely, it could grow to 30.

-(BAG RUSTLES) -I'll take it. (GRUNTS)

-(CAR ENGINE REVVING) -(TIRES SCREECH)

SPENCER: Hey!

-Give us Billy. -(COUGHS)

Suckers. (LAUGHS) Huh?

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(CAR CRASHES)

(CAR ENGINE HISSING)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

-Give us Billy, you double-crosser! -I don't have him.

I just wanted enough money

so that I could quit working for Madame X and follow my true passion.

Extreme doggy makeovers.

(GROWLS, SNARLS)

What's the matter, Pogo? I think you look tiger-ocious!

-Oh! -(BARKS)

-(GROANS) -(BARKS)

(HOOVER SCREAMING)

-(THUMPS) -(SCREAMS)

So, if Sam doesn't have Billy, where is he?

(SHRIEKS) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Uh... uh, Mr. Flannery... (CHUCKLES) ...we can explain.

(GROANS) Don't care, Brocahontas. Just get this killer bird off of me.

-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! -(LORENZO CAWS)

-Billy? -(LORENZO CAWS)

Yeah, who else uses the brocabulary?

-(LORENZO CAWS) -(INHALES SHARPLY)

-(LORENZO CAWS) -(GROANS)

I've been trying to catch up with you brorillas,

but Maureen's dad really needs to hit the gym.

-I got this. -Get off!

-(LORENZO CAWS) -SHANILA: Sorry, Lorenzo.

Why are you hanging around inside Maureen's dad?

Duh! Experiencing the 'do.

And there wasn't much going on at that snooze fest.

So, wait, you remember it? Tell us everything.

Ah! There's not much to tell.

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -BILLY: It was your typical BBH event.

You know, bad music.

-(MUNCHING) -BILLY: Worse food.

-(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) -(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING)

BILLY: Buddy doin' one of his Evel Broknievel stunts.

-(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CANNON BLASTING)

(THUMPS)

You haven't explained squat. Why don't we remember anything?

-What happened to Rajeev's clothes? -How did Lorenzo get in my backpack?

Oh, right! Brorenzo!

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -BILLY: So I was just hangin' out,

doing nothing, totally not bothering him.

-(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) -Look what daddy's got for you, Lorenzo.

-Yummy sunflower seeds. -(CAWS)

-(SLURPS, MUNCHES) -(CAWS)

Ooh, Picante! (LAUGHS)

And for no reason, he comes after me.

-(LORENZO CAWS) -(GROANS)

(LORENZO CAWING)

-(LAUGHS) -(LORENZO CAWING)

-What else are you leaving out? -Nothing. How's my 'do?

(SIGHS) Could you come out of there?

It's really weird talking to Maureen's dad.

No probiscus.

-(WHISTLES) -(TIRES SCREECH)

-(DOOR SHUTS) -Take me to Vegas.

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

-Uh, what's with your pants? -Oh, that? Probably from the cannon.

-(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING) -(TIRES SCREECH)

Fun on a bun!

-(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING) -(SCREAMS)

-(REVVING CONTINUES) -(TIRES SCREECH)

Whoa!

(CANNON BLASTING)

(THUMPS)

-(SPLASHES) -(GROANS)

You didn't tell us you were part of the stunt, Billy.

(BURPS) Excuse me. Cocoa belch.

Wait, you were drinking cocoa?

Yeah, you know the Cobra can't get his z's on

without his nighty-night cocoa.

(SLURPS)

(CANNON BLASTING)

(SPLASHES)

-(SPLASHES) -(ALL YAWN)

(THUMPING)

-(SPLASHES) -(YAWNS)

(THUMPS)

-(THUMPS) -(GROANS, SNORING)

That's it!

Your nighty-night cocoa mixed with your crazy-time ecto

must've knocked everyone out, and made us lose our memories!

-It all makes sense. -Duh, what took you so long?

-(GASPS) -(CELLPHONE BEEPS)

You guys, we have four minutes till Ponzi's roll call.

(ALL PANTING)

Made it.

You're in gross violation of Spring Fling policy.

You're all expelled!

ALL: What?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a very important bird to find.

-Oh, wait, Mr. Ponzi. -Huh?

We found a little guy flying around lost.

Would that change your mind about expelling us?

(GASPS) Lorenzo!

Oh! Daddy was worried sick!

-(SINGING) Daddy loves his birdy... -Um...

-...and birdy loves him back -So, we're not, um...

Uh, let's just go.

Sweet deal! And we still got some queso for the vending machines.

-(GRUNTS) -(BUDDY GROANING)

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good Spring Fling.

There's still one thing you never explained.

-What happened to Rajeev's clothes? -(MUNCHES) That's easy.

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(SLURPS)

Dudes, how epic is tonight gonna be!

-Uh, Jeevster, you forget something? -No! Isn't this a party?

(SCATTING) Woo-hoo! Yeah!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!