Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

(SNORING)

-(BLOWS TRUMPET) -(BILLY SCREAMS)

Help! It's my horn section, they've come for revenge!

I swear I didn't know those girls were with you.

-Dad! What the ham? -Happy Wrightmas!

-We're still doing that? -You betcha, son!

Christmas is great and all, but Wrightmas is an important family tradition.

Now get up and get dressed.

We got to go hand out flyers for the pageant.

Are they gone? That sax player has a lethal right hook.

It wasn't your horn section, drill-bit.

It was my dad with his goofy, made-up Wrightmas holiday.

What are you talking about? I love Wrightmas! Wait, what's Wrightmas?

It commemorates how our ancestors were forced out of their home country

because they insisted on unclogging their own toilets.

Whoa!

-Did that really happen? -I don't know. It doesn't matter.

What matters is that every year I have to play the Plunger Bearer

in my dad's insane pageant.

-(GASPS) Insane pageant? -Don't even, Billy.

If Lolo and her crowd see this...

(ALL LAUGH)

I gotta keep them away, Billy. And you gotta help me!

-(BLOWS TRUMPET) -(SPENCER SCREAMS)

The Cobra has heard the call and is ready for battle!

Now, watch this. Dad, I need you in the bathroom!

What is it, son?

You're not going to believe this, Dad, but the toilet's clogged!

I guess we can't pass out those leaflets.

This is a great opportunity to teach you the ABCs of toilet repair.

The key to using a plumber's snake is really working it down into the clog.

-(RUMBLING) -(BILLY SCREAMS)

Well, the good news is I fixed the clog.

(CLOTH RIPPING, STRETCHING)

That will hold it for a while. Come on, we have flyers to hand out.

-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) -But, Dad. We can't just...

-(DOOR SHUTS) -Aw.

Merry Wrightmas! What's that? You've never heard of Wrightmas?

Come and learn all about it at the Wright Family Wrightmas Pageant!

I want to learn about Wrightmas!

Dude, we're trying to stop people from coming, remember?

-Fine. -(CHUCKLES)

(GIGGLES)

-Well, that's it. I'm all out of flyers. -Me too. (CHUCKLES)

That's the Wrightmas spirit, son! I got to get home

and make the alterations on your Toilet Fairy costume.

Whoa. Wait. What do you mean "my" Toilet Fairy costume?

You get to play the Toilet Fairy! This is a major step up for you!

The Toilet Fairy? We gotta fix this! Come on.

(MIC FEEDBACK)

WiFri customers, I have an important announcement!

For the next five minutes, we're giving away free fish tacos

to anyone who turns in a Wrightmas Pageant flyer.

-(BELL DINGS) -(CROWD CHEERING)

We are? Guess we must be. Important announcements never lie.

Here's your taco. Taco.

Looks like attendance at the Wrightmas Pageant

-is going to be at an all time lo... -(DOOR OPENS)

(GASPS) Lolo! Adrian!

(GUNS COCKING)

(BILLY SCREAMS)

-A Wrightmas Pageant? (LAUGHS) -SPENCER: It's nothing.

Oh, it's something! This is what social media is made for!

-(KEYPAD DIALING) -(LOLO LAUGHS)

(WHISTLES)

Hey, Dad, check it out. The Wrightmas souvenir plungers are here!

This is great!

Every time folks overfill their toilet bowls,

they'll be thinking of us.

(BELL DINGS)

HUGH: Spencer, have you seen the Wrightmas beacon?

Without it we're never gonna pull in a decent crowd!

SPENCER: Hmm.

That's right. We won't.

I'll look for it, Dad!

Dude, I need you to take this thing far away somewhere and bury it!

But brozilla, how are we going pull in a decent crowd?

-We're not! -Oh.

Now, come on, go dump that thing in the ocean.

Sorry, Dad. I can't find the beacon anywhere.

Mashed potatoes! We've never had a Wrightmas without the beacon!

Oh, well, maybe we can celebrate next year.

Forget the beacon, Spencer! The important thing is,

we're together as a family,

and we're keeping our holiday tradition alive!

-The rest is just... -(LOUD THUD)

HUGH: (GASPS) The beacon!

-It's a Wrightmas miracle! -Yeah, that's one explanation.

-What is your problem? -I'm sorry, bro.

I just really wanna celebrate Wrightmas! Besides, I'm sure no one will show up.

(HORN BLARING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey! What's going on over here? Just saw your beacon!

-It's just one bus. -(GROANS)

-(HORN BLARING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN BEEPING)

(GROANS)

Merry Wrightmas! (CHUCKLES) Enjoy these commemorative plungers!

They're great for soup!

Dude, I can't do this! I'm just gonna give my Dad a face full of truth.

Don't sweat it. Bro-stayaski. Just do one song,

and then get in your chopper. Take off! Otherwise the promoter sues you.

-Huh? -Spencer! Why aren't you in costume?

-Dad, look, I need to talk to you. -After the pageant, son.

A Wright is never late for Wrightmas!

Get that costume on, and hook yourself up to the flying rig.

Great, now I'm a flying fairy.

(PULLEY WHEEL SQUEAKS)

I am just a poor farming man The crops this year are low

If I have to pay for home repairs To the poorhouse I shall go

Husband, chili for breakfast You shall have no more

For when you did your business You really clogged the bowl

-Oh, no! I clogged the bowl! -Oh, no! He clogged the bowl!

-Oh, no! I clogged the bowl! -Oh, no! He clogged the bowl!

(LAUGHS) It's too good!

(ALL LAUGH)

Fret not, fair wench, I've got a wrench Or better yet, a plunger

I shall fix the stinky mess And we shall not go under

Drop the tool, you worthless fool A plumber you must pay

And it will cost you double Because it is Sunday!

-(EXCLAIMS) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Ah! (GROANS)

(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

Is this what holidays are always like?

Don't you see what's happening here, Billy? History is repeating itself!

They're hating on my family because we're different.

Just like they did in the old country!

-(GROANS) -Hey! Where are you goin', bro-in'?

To show these jerk bags the real meaning of Wrightmas!

(GROANS)

Don't worry, Andrew Bro Webber, I got ya!

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

I said, "It's like my very brain is clogged."

I am the Toilet Fairy and I'll be unclogging your noggin!

(ALL LAUGH)

Spencer will never live this down! He's gonna have to move to another planet!

Don't listen to them, brother.

If you can't unclog In this tyrannical bog

-Go and find another! -I shall! I shall

'Tis time to pull up stakes

I'll apply my skills in the promised land Where never a toilet shall break!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(ALL SCREAM)

-(LAUGHS) -(ALL SCREAM)

(BILLY HOOTS)

Great finale! Encore! Encore!

I'm sorry, family. I ruined Wrightmas and made us a laughing stock.

Uh, who cares, Dad?

Isn't the whole point of Wrightmas that we stuck together as a family?

-Yeah! -Amen!

WARDEN: Fret not, fair wench I've got a wrench or better yet, a plunger

(LAUGHS)

Here's your chow, Wrights. Great show!

They loved us! Wright family hug!

Wait till you guys see what I've got planned for Wright Year's Eve!

Uh. Yeah.

SPENCER: Okay, your turn. Truth or dare?

Dare. Whatever you got, the Cobra can handle it.

I dare you to stand in that locker for ten seconds.

(SCOFFS) That's all you got?

-Ten, nine, eight... -With the door closed and the light off.

Sure, no problem.

Ten, nine, eight, seven...

One! (CRIES)

-(CHUCKLES) Oh, man. I got you good! -Did not!

-Okay, your turn, truth or dare? -Dare. There's no way you'll top mine!

Oh, you're going down, brocus-pocus!

I dare you to steal Principal Ponzi's wig!

(CHUCKLES)

(SNORING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(STRAINS, GRUNTS)

(GUITAR PLAYING)

Go Spencer, you're a rock star, get your game on!

-Hey, nobody likes a gloater. -Sorry bro, but you got to admit,

I am a truth or dare ninja! Ugh.

Spencer! Oh, my gosh!

We've got bats! Diseased bats!

No, no! It's... it's just a wig, Mom. I got it for a dare...

A daring new film that I am making. Yeah, about diseased bats.

It's hideous. And it smells like a dirty mop. Ugh.

Speaking of hair,

I need you to pass out these shampoo samples at school. (CHUCKLES)

-A little advertising for my home salon. -Mom!

I'll just hang on to this till I know you've done it. (CHUCKLES) Have fun!

Aw.

Hey bro-laids, check it out, a Ponz-fro!

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Ponz-hawk! -(BOTH LAUGH)

-Ponz-rows! (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS) That is so you, dude!

Hey videl-bro-soon, got any styling gel?

(GROANS)

Huh?

Hey! Real funny, Billy.

-(GASPS) -Huh! Huh?

(WIG BLABBERS)

-What's up with this thing? -Yeah, must be the ectoplasm or something.

You put ecto on Ponzi's wig?

Did you think about what the ecto might do?

Ugh, never mind. Stupid question.

(WIG BLABBERS)

Ah! Come on!

(WIG BLABBERS)

-(WIG BLABBERS) -(SPENCER PANTS)

"Congratulations on your rental of Geronimo,

"the world premiere wig-sniffing horse."

(HORSE NICKERS)

"Just let Geronimo sniff your scalp and set him loose.

"He'll have your rug back in no time."

-Okay, Geronimo. Let's see what you got. -(HORSE NICKERS)

(SNIFFS, NICKERS)

-(NEIGHS) -Easy, boy!

(ALL SCREAM)

Everything is normal! Back to class!

-(SCREAMS) -(NEIGHS)

Huh. Is this supposed to be a joke?

You're gonna have to do better than that, Mister Geronimo!

-(GROANS, SCREAMS) -(NEIGHS)

-(CLATTERING) -(NICKERS)

RACER: Lots of people have jumped 11 cars before.

But no one's ever done it on a ride-on lawnmower!

(CROWD CHEERING)

-Cool, man! -MALE VOICE: You're the man!

Huh! What? Huh!

(ENGINE REVVNG)

-(ENGINE REVVING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(VEHICLE CRASHES)

(BOTH GASP)

(WIG BLABBERS)

(SNIFFS, NEIGHS)

(PRINCIPAL PONZI GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

Good work, Geronimo!

Huh!

Please don't expel me! I know I'm not allowed to sell

aged raw-milk Camembert on school property!

Huh. Move along.

(GROANS)

Stupid animal! I do not smell like runny, old cheese...

(NEIGHS)

(GROANS)

(WIG BLABBERS)

Huh?

(KLEET GRUNTING)

-Kleet! Don't put that helmet on! -You can't tell me what to do!

(SCREAMS)

SPENCER: Ah, huh.

-It was amazing! (SCREAMS) -(SCREAMS)

(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)

-(PHONE RINGING) -Oh, not a good time, Mom.

I just wanted to make sure you're handing out those shampoo samples.

-(KLEET GROANING) -Oh?

-Ah. Really not a good time! Come on! -(CLATTERING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

The Cobra's your man when it comes to wrangling the common lummox.

-(KLEET GROANS) -(BILLY SCREAMS)

Whoa! Whoa!

(THUDS)

-(WIG BLABBERS) -(KLEET GROANS)

What's going on?

-(FLORINE SCREAMS) -BOTH: Huh?

I said turkey sausage, not chicken, you moron!

Get it wrong once more and I'll have you replaced by this sausage!

-(NEIGHS) -(PRINCIPAL PONZI SCREAMS)

(WIG BLABBERS)

(SPENCER PANTING)

(WIG GASPS, BALBBERS)

(NICKERS)

Good work, Geronimo! My precious! Come to daddy!

-(WIG STRAINS) -(NEIGHS)

(WIG WHIMPERS)

My precious! What's gotten into you?

(WIG GROANING, SCREAMING)

-(METAL CLANGS) -(WIG SCREAMS)

-(PUNCHES) -Uh, ah!

(PRINCIPAL PONZI GRUNTING)

Should we help him?

-(PRINCIPAL PONZI STRUGGLING) -BOTH: Hmm. Nah.

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

-(MUNCHING) -(HORSE NEIGHS)

(GROANS, GRUNTS)

Help me! Someone!

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

(TEETH CHATTERING, BREATHES HEAVILY)

(WIG GROWLS)

(STRAINS, SCREAMS)

(CRIES)

Why are you doing this, when all I ever gave you was love?

(CRYING, SCREAMING)

-Maybe we should help him. -Yeah, we're out of popcorn anyway.

Got to get the ecto out of the wig. The shampoo! My mom's samples!

(SQUEAKING)

(PANTING)

What happened to us, old friend?

(CHUCKLES)

I might have known this would have something to do with you, Mister Wright.

I was just trying to help a principal in need.

-(HORN BLARING) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, you did give out these samples after all! Thanks, sweetheart.

To thank you, I made you this.

It's for your diseased bat movie. (CHUCKLES)

Much better than that disgusting old thing.

Thanks, Mom. But I know someone who needs it more than me.

-No, thank you. I am nothing if not loyal. -Huh?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!