Original subtitles

-Yo! Spencer Wright here. -And Billy Joe Cobra.

He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

-We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear. -Yeehaw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

Your transcripts? What do you need them for?

Well, I just got accepted at the Beverly Film Academy,

but to admit me they need a copy of all my grades.

You’re leaving Beverly Beverly High?

Oh, don’t get me wrong, Sir. I really like it here,

but making movies is kind of my biggest...

I'll have your transcripts ready in an hour! Make it half an hour!

Spencer’s leaving, Spencer’s...

Out you go. I’ve got work to do.

Spencer’s leaving, Spencer’s leaving

-(BEEPS) -(PONZI HUMMING)

Good morning, students, and welcome to the glorious post-Spencer world!

(IMITATES LOLO) Move it, Ponzi! You’re in my way.

Yeah, beat it, or I’ll have my rich parents, like, fire you! Ugh.

I need to punish someone who’s powerless to fight back! Where’s Spencer Wright?

Oh no, he left! What have I done?

(LOCKER CLOSES)

Oh. Mr. Ponzi, are those my transcripts?

As a matter of fact, they are.

-Wait! Where are you taking them? -To the vault,

where you will never see them again.

But I don’t understand. You said that...

I changed my mind. I can’t afford...

I mean, we can’t afford to lose you, Mr. Wright.

You’re far too valuable to this school.

Huh? Come on!

(GROANS)

Hey, don’t worry, Brojak. I got this.

Sorry, Kleet. I’m in a hurry.

-(WHISTLES) -(BEEPS)

-Secret elevator! -(BEEPS)

Billy? Billy?

-Yowser! Check out the swag! -(CHIMES)

(HORN BEEPS)

Wow, this princibro has confiscated a lot of gum in his time!

(GROANS)

-Phew! -(CHUCKLES) There we go!

There'll be no rats leaving my sinking ship.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, excuse me. I’m a ghost.

Ow!

(GRUNTS)

Uh-oh.

Billy? Billy, where are you?

(GRUNTS) Hello, loser. Dumpster diving time.

So, I guess you don’t want me to leave school forever.

What?

I was just trying to get my transcripts from Ponzi. Once I do, I’m out of here.

(SHOUTS) You’re leaving? You just made my day.

SPENCER: Not if I don’t get my transcript.

Ponzi put it in the vault. Whatever that is.

The vault? You’re hosed! No one’s ever broken in there.

But I’m going for it, anyway.

If we help you, we might get killed.

But if we survive, we'll be rid of you forever. We’re in.

So, like, if the sun is a star, who’s like its agent?

I need this room. Adrian!

Okay, first we gotta figure out where this vault is.

I heard it’s a made-up place, like France.

If only we had a map or a master plan of the school.

Adrian!

Huh?

What? My dad owns this school. Of course, I have a map.

Uh, let's see.

There it is! There’s the vault! Look at the specs on this thing.

I mean it’s waterproof, fireproof, earthquake proof, ghost proof...

Ghost proof? Oh no, Billy!

Uh, that’s just something we used to say back home, you know,

when something was, like, really surprising or whatever.

“Oh no, Billy!” Let’s go!

(GROANING)

If only we had a tech guy. Every operation needs a tech guy.

Adrian!

(CHIMES)

(VIBRATES)

Hey, my favorite peeps in the world!

Are you guys, like, hanging out together?

Yep. We’re breaking into Ponzi’s vault, so we can get rid of Spencer permanently.

(CHUCKLES) I’m going to film school. Just as soon as I get my transcripts.

(SHOUTS) No!

Broke a nail. Well, later, dudes.

I’m sorry. I was gonna tell you guys, but it all happened kinda fast.

No, no, I get it. You gotta follow the dream.

Okay, I’ll help you guys.

We don’t need you. What would you add?

He can be the guy we sacrifice if we run into trouble.

See? Somebody likes my company.

(BLABBERS)

(CRIES) Let me out! I don’t want to be alone!

I need a hug.

I must be losing it, man. You’re just a wad of gum.

Fine. If you wanna be insulting, I’ll just go away.

No, no, no! Gum wads are cool, yeah.

Light it up.

(GROWLING)

Don’t worry, sugar lips. The Jeevster’s here. Ouch!

Adrian!

-(THUDS) -(ALLIGATOR GROWLS)

What are you looking at? It’s his job. Come on.

-(CHIMES) -(ALL SHOUT)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(HORN HONKS)

Yeah.

You have to stop him. We can’t let him leave school.

Shanila! I was... What do you want?

Spencer is trying to break into your vault!

-Huh? -I mean, I'm worried about his safety.

-(CHUCKLES) -(GROANS)

(FLY BUZZING)

Ew. What is this nasty place?

Garbage pool, check out my butterfly.

(KLEET GROANS)

Huh?

Adrian will get us out of here. It’s his job. Adrian!

(GROWLING)

Don’t worry. I got this.

It’s working.

(GROANS) A computer port. iStevie, quick, help me out! What do I do?

(CHIMES)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(VOCALIZING)

-Yeah. -Yes!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, it’s brilliant! I love it! I don’t get why the critics panned it.

They must be jealous of your talent.

That’s what I keep telling everybody. You’re all right, Gumbo.

You really get me.

Ooh! Disktopia.

Go long!

I didn’t even try for that one. Huh?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(SHOUTS) Gumbo, look out!

Run!

(ALL PANT)

Yeehaw! We have attained vault-in.

-It won’t budge. -Let the tech guy do it, you clod.

(CHIMES)

-Rajeev! -Rajeev!

I’m sorry. I don’t want you to go, man.

Jeevster, you gotta chill. We’ll still be buds.

Stop right there!

An elevator? You’ve gotta be kidding me! Where’d you learn to read a map, Spencer?

(GROANING) Gumbo!

(SHOUTS) No!

Step away from my vault.

Don’t worry, Gumbo. I wouldn’t leave you behind.

Billy, you’re okay!

Herebro sandwich, you got me out.

-There you go. -Thanks, dude.

(SHOUTS)

(CROCODILE BELLOWING)

ALL: No!

Yeah!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-(PANTING) -You know what, it's okay.

I thought I could make better movies at film school,

but where am I gonna find better material than all of this?

(GROANS) Spit it out before I turn you into a handbag!

MADAME X: Hoover! You need to wear Billy Joe’s underwear, so you can see him.

Please don’t make me do this!

No one’s going to believe I’m a schoolteacher.

MADAME X: You’ll do fine. Stop your whining. Are you a baby or a man?

I’m a man.

Good. Slip into those heels and put on that wig,

-and bring me Billy Joe Cobra! -Yes, Sir.

Ugh.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Mrs. Larkin’s 20 minutes late. Shouldn’t class be cancelled by now?

Shazizzle, bro! Just means more time for us to kick back and... (CHUCKLES)

Mother of all pastries! Are those bear claw donuts?

Oh, yeah. There’s a bake sale after school.

-Hey, you wanna stop by? -Bear claws.

Attention, class! You have a substitute teacher today.

Good morning, children. I’m Miss Hooverdale.

-Huh? -Huh?

You’ve won them over already. Your charms are irresistible.

Huh? Dude, it’s Hoover! We gotta amscray.

Good thinking, bro-sauce.

Never too early to get in line for bear claws.

(CHUCKLES)

-What happened to Mrs. Larkin? -She’s a little tied up today.

Help! Let me out of here!

Ooh, pizza!

Don’t worry, students.

Miss Hooverdale is a very capable educator.

Not to mention, quite a breath of fresh air!

Miss Hooverdale, I need to go to the nurse. I have the plague.

You look fine to me, Spencer.

-You know this miscreant? -He’s a... friend of a friend.

-Huh? -(PANTING)

-Whoa, close one! -Hello.

(SHOUTS)

For a stumpy little guy, the hoover-monkey can really book.

Why, thank you.

(SHOUTS)

Dude, you gotta go home.

Hoover’s not gonna give up until he has you in a jar.

Which part of “Bear Claw Day” do you not understand?

-I’ll bring you the donuts. Now let’s go. -Ugh.

-You’ll make sure they have icing? -Yes, come on! Get moving!

And the little almonds that look like fingernails?

-Out! Now! -Fine.

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Billy.

Oh. Miss Hooverdale, everything all right?

Just need to loosen the old girdle. Big breakfast.

Oh, the mysteries of the fairer sex.

You know, I was thinking maybe after class

I could give you a little tour of the school.

I’m especially proud of our detention room.

Not interested. Excuse me.

I think I might have an answer to our Hoover problem.

Hey, Mr. Ponzi. I couldn’t help but notice that you

and Miss Hooverdale make a pretty cute couple.

Get lost, Wright. My personal affairs are none of your concern.

Okay, I just thought that since she’s a friend of a friend,

I might be able to give you a few tips. But I see that I’m bothering you. Sorry.

Huh?

Hold on, Mr. Wright. It’s no bother at all. What do you know?

Well, Miss Hooverdale likes to play hard to get. But it’s all a game.

She just wants to see if you’re willing to fight for her.

Glenn Ponzi is nothing if not a fighter.

Better get on it then.

A hottie like that won’t stay on the market for long.

(CHUCKLES)

Pop quiz, everyone.

(SHOUTS)

(ALL SIGH) Oh, come on!

Uh. Miss Hooverdale, this is like a pizza van licensing test.

Yes, and trust me, it’s a tricky one.

I suggest you use the rest of the period to work on it.

(CHUCKLES)

Mi amore, these are for you. Don’t forget the card.

"Nothing can substitute for your beauty." See what I did there?

ALL: Ew.

Not now! It’s test time. You need to leave.

I’m not leaving until you agree to join me for dinner.

You’ll love my mother’s cooking.

A good time to try the pest removal setting.

(PONZI SHOUTS)

Oh, Miss Hooverdale, your strange hair dryer says,

"No, no, no." But your eyes are saying, "Yes, yes, yes!"

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh. Hey, why aren’t you two dudes gettin’ your munch on?

I’m saving myself for bear claws.

I’m on Hoover watch because he’s saving himself for bear claws.

(CHUCKLES) Looks like it’s gonna be a half-day for you, Cobra!

A refined lady like you shouldn’t have to eat this cafeteria swill.

That’s why I hired Kasturo to cook for you.

Konichiwa.

Shall we start with the prawns?

Go away. I have to work on my lesson plans.

Perhaps, a serenade will set the mood.

(PAN PIPE PLAYS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Look, I’m married, okay?

-I don’t see a ring. -You’re not my type.

Or am I exactly your type?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, she definitely likes you, Sir.

Are you sure?

Trust me. I just hope you’ll invite me to the wedding.

I think it’ll just be family.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISTLES)

You’re about to get schooled, loser!

-Ouch! -(CHUCKLES)

Yeah! Huh?

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES)

(BOTH GROAN)

T-minus 18 minutes till bear claws.

Let’s blow this sweatshop and get there early.

Tell you what, Cobra, we’ll go as soon as you can steal the rock off me.

You know the rules. No talking to yourself in gym. Now gimme 20 push-ups.

-But Coach! -Make it 50.

Okay, Coach. Guess that means I won’t get my bear claws for a little while longer,

but no biggie because they’re definitely not gonna run out.

Yeah, so nobody has to do anything stupid

like go on their own and end up in a jar.

You just bought yourself 100.

(GROWLS)

Why is he telling the coach about the bear claws?

That’s just more competition. I gotta book.

(GROANS)

Sweet, deep-fried mystery!

(CHUCKLES)

Huh?

(CHEERS)

(CHUCKLES, GROANS)

(GROANS, PANTING)

Billy?

-Did I say you could stop? -Uh...

No. Now give me an extra 30.

Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world...

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

-Now get out of my sight. -(GROANS)

(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)

Come back! I haven’t tried the deep-dish pizza yet.

Stop in the name of love! (GASPS)

(PONZI SHOUTS)

-Oh. -(BEEPS)

Miss Hooverdale, someday we’ll tell this story to our grandchildren.

(BOTH SHOUT)

-(THUDS) -(SPLASHES)

(BEEPS)

(BILLY SCREAMING)

(CHEERS) Woohoo!

-Bear claws! -I should’ve known.

There’s so much I want to tell you about me.

But first I want to know everything about you!

Okay. Look.

Nobody’s perfect.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!