Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

And Billy Joe Cobra.

He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

CHEERS: Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

BILLY: Dude, that's my ghost!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Before we adjourn for summer, remember that even if you're not

in the classroom, your education should never stop.

-Every day is... -(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Woo-hoo! I'm outta here! Beach party!

(SLURPS)

FEMALE VOICE: Are you guys, like, going to the beach club tomorrow?

FEMALE VOICE 2: Totally! I hope I, like, get a good chair.

We are so hittin' the beach tomorrow.

Sold. I need to catch some rays.

Not me. Makin' movies costs major scrilla. I gotta find a job this summer.

Maybe you can get some employ-age at the beach club.

That way we can still do the hang thing.

Huh. I like what you're spewing.

-Mr. Wright! -(GASPS)

(SLURPS)

-Detention! -What? But school's over! For what?

-(PONZI GRUNTS) -(SPENCER GROANS)

Littering.

-(GRUNTS) -And destruction of school property.

Let's make it double detention. (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MR. GAZIDIS: Do you have towel-boy experience?

No, sir, Mr. Gazidis.

But I've always dreamed of someday being in towels.

Oh! I like your gumption, kid,

but I'm not giving you the job of towel boy.

-(GROANS) -I'm giving you the job of Head Towel Boy.

-(WHISTLING) -FEMALE VOICE 1: Mm! (LAUGHING)

-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) -My usual Head Towel Boy

hasn't applied this year.

And just between you and me, he's a bit of a horse's patoot.

Glenn Ponzi reporting for duty!

-(LORENZO SQUAWKING) -(GASPS) Wright? What are you doing here?

-He's our new Head Towel Boy. -(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-What? You can't do that! -(SQUAWKS)

I've been Head Towel Boy for years! I have the badge!

MR. GAZIDIS: Thank you. And your sunscreen And your whistle.

(SQUEAKING)

-Spencer will need that. -(LAUGHS)

But I need this job! (SOBS)

(SIGHS, SQUEAKS)

-I've got a bird to feed... (SOBS) -(GROANING)

...and no one else will hire me.

That is, I'm still waiting to hear from some people.

Well, I suppose you can stay on as Spencer's assistant.

But you'll have to do everything he says or you're out. Got it, Glenn?

(CHUCKLES)

Don't worry, Glenn. I'll treat you just as fairly as you treat me at school.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

(GASPS)

-(YELPS) -Uh, Glenn,

I thought I told you to fold and stack the towels.

-Why, you little... -Uh, uh, uh.

That is no way to talk to your superior. I'd just hate for you to lose the only job

-you could possibly get this summer! -(MUTTERS)

(CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Oh, Glenny, one of our guests needs help with his sunscreen.

Huh?

Hope you're not afraid of a little man fur.

-(FLIES BUZZING) -(PONZI STUTTERS)

-(MAN FARTING) -(PONZI GROANS)

(SPENCER CHUCKLES)

(HUMMING)

-(WHISTLE BLOWS) -(PANTS)

Hey, Glenn, I'm gonna need you to get a net and clear the water of jellyfish.

Ah, you know what? Getting the net will take too much time.

Just use your hands.

What? (SNARLS)

-(PANTS) -(WATER SPLASHING)

-(JELLYFISH STINGING) -(PONZI SCREAMING, GROANING)

Ooh! (SCREAMS)

-You missed a couple. -(PONZI GRUNTS)

-(JELLYFISH STINGING) -(PONZI GROANING)

(SIGHS)

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)

Ew!

-(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) -(ELECTRIC WHIRRING)

-(SQUAWKS) -Hey! Sea rat!

Hey, did anyone ever tell you, you look a lot like Billy Joe Cobra?

(CHUCKLES) Sister, I am... Wait, you can see me? Thanks, gull-buddy!

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, let me treat you to a bro-cone. Mm?

-(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) -(WHIRRING)

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow! This wasn't, like, here last year.

Yeah, the Jeevster's making some upgrades. (LAUGHS) I can do that,

'cause I'm tight with the Head Towel Boy.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

Dude! What the ham?

Seagull bait, Brohan! When they air-bomb me,

-it turns me visible! -Ghost, please!

For realsies! Something about bird doo and ecto.

(CHUCKLES) But it wore off, so I need another hit.

-(CHOKES) -(STUTTERS)

Well, you can't just dump garbage here. It's a beach club.

(BELCHES)

It's coolidge, Calvin. I'm tight with the Head Towel Boy.

(GROANS)

You're really in control of your beach, aren't you?

Just clean it up, Glenn.

Fine, but if I were Head Towel Boy, I'd find out who the perpetrator was

and make him rue the day!

But I guess being a pushover is fine, too.

Hey! I am not a pushover!

(SPENCER SCREAMS)

Dad, you can't fish here.

(LAUGHS) I'm sure regular people can't, but when your son is Head Towel Boy,

exceptions can be made. Huh?

Huh? (LAUGHS)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(GROWLS)

-(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) -(CROWD CHEERING)

RAJEEV: Woo-hoo! Beach bonfire! Everybody party! Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS) What are you... Oh, okay, I'm a pushover! What do I do?

(LAUGHS) Glad you asked!

(RAJEEV SIGHS)

(SPENCER CLEARING THROAT)

(RAJEEV SCREAMS, MURMURS)

(WATER SPLASHING)

You're in violation of rule 619 B, subsection10.1,

destroying club property.

Dude, be cool. I'm workin' the Lolo thing here, remember?

-(GROANS) -You're not working squat, Mr. Bhagwati.

You are coming with me. (SCOFFS)

(DRUM MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCRAPING)

Beach detention is now open for business.

(SCREAMS)

You just lost your invite to Party on the VIP deck!

Adrian, music!

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm. (GRUNTS)

Adrian! Did I tell you to stop? Huh? (SCREAMS)

(LOLO GROANS)

(GASPS, SCREAMS, GROANS)

(CHUCKLES)

Well done, Spencer! They'll respect you for it.

Dude, dude, we need outsies now! The tide is coming in!

-(FARTS) -(WATER BURBLING)

Tell him it's Assistant Towel Boy, Ponzi. I'll hold.

Where is everybody?

Probably at a beach where there aren't so many rules.

Let's face it, no one wants to spend their summer treading water in a pit.

Nasty!

But you told me to...

Oh, hello, Mr. Gazidis.

I thought you might want to come and see what your new Head Towel Boy

has done to your club. Place is pretty deserted.

Yeah, looks like you're not gonna be making much money this summer.

-You'll swing by this afternoon? Super. -(GRUNTS, STUTTERS)

You set me up!

Yes, I did. But this just proves you're not ready to be Head Towel Boy.

You see, Wright, this job isn't about handing out towels.

It's about wisdom, beach savvy, and a keen understanding of...

-(WIND WHOOSHING) -Wright?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-Hey, Guys! -(SCOFFS) Well,

if it isn't the dictator of the dunes.

Hello, Glenn Ponzi Jr. Hope I'm not breaking any rules.

-Do I have to take my feet off the chair? -Look, you guys, I'm really sorry.

-Sounds suspiciously close to an apology. -It is an apology.

Didn't you hear me say, "I'm sorry"?

Actually, no. (GROANS)

-(SIGHS) That's better. -So, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be handing out towels?

There's no one to hand 'em out to, thanks to Ponzi and his tricks.

And I'm gonna be out on my cheeks unless you guys help me.

-What's in it for the Cobra? -Oh, I don't know, maybe some bird poop?

(GASPS) I'm in!

(EXHALES)

-Here comes the air raid! -(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

-(SCREAMS) -(SCREAMS)

(REVVING)

(SCREAMS) They're eating me! Make it stop! Make it stop! (GROANS)

(SQUEAKS)

-(SQUAWKS) -(STOMACH RUMBLING)

(GASPS, LAUGHS) Yeah!

Ew.

-(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) -(ELECTRIC WHIRRING)

Whoa. Cool! (LAUGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Firing is too good for him, sir. I recommend you give Spencer

a beach detention, then fire him.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yo! Wassup, Beverly Beach Club? Please give it up

for the world's premier Billy Joe Cobra impersonator,

Billy John Python!

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

-FEMALE VOICE: Yay! -MALE VOICE: Woo-hoo!

(ALL CHEERING)

-MALE VOICE 2: Yeah! -MALE VOICE 3: Whoo!

Oh, yeah! (CHUCKLES)

Ponzi, what did you drag me out here for? The beach club is hopping!

Spencer! Terrific work. You and I need to talk.

-Okay! -PONZI: But, sir!

Ponzi, there's bird poop all over the beach.

If you want to keep your job, get to work!

Summer's not gonna last forever, Wright.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah! Dudes, I am loving this! A whole summer to chill out at the beach.

For real! Sun, fun, and honeybuns. Oh.

Do ghosts get sunburn?

Gee, good question.

Maybe we should look it up on dorkipedia! Now get lost.

This area is reserved for cool people. The loser section is over there.

Well, you enjoy it then.

Uh, bromigo, you know, no one tells the Cobra what to do,

but the velvet rope must be respected.

(GRUNTS)

-(ADRIAN GRUNTS) -That's a crock!

I'm stayin' right here... Oh! (GROANS)

First day at the beach,

and I've already had face time with Lolo! (LAUGHS)

And if you think she's diggin' my salsa now,

just wait till I rock this muscle cream. It says it's guaranteed

to give me the ripped bod that chicks go ape sauce for.

-(BUZZING) -(SNIFFS, GROANS)

That stuff reeks like discount sushi.

Huh? Says here it's made

-with a real fish oil. -(MAN GRUNTS)

I am gonna be buff like a barracuda!

Hey! (GRUNTS)

Maybe this goop is just missing the secret ingredient.

Straight up! Everything goes better with ecto!

(INHALES, EXHALES)

-Ew! -(CHUCKLES)

-(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) -Oh, yeah!

(BILLY CHUCKLES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GASPS)

Looking ripped, huh? Oh.

Did you happen to notice that you're half fish?

Oh, that, yeah. Guess it's just one of those ecto side effects.

But check out my trapezius!

-(SKIN STRETCHING) -(STRAINS)

-Billy! -(STUTTERS) It wasn't my idea.

-Here now, is me... -(YELPS)

...Greg Slick, live at the Beverly Heights Beach...

-Huh? -...where a merman

has just washed up on shore! Mermen are super-hot right now.

-Care to comment? -(GROANS)

Wassup, Beverly Heights! (CHUCKLES)

(GIRLS CHEERING)

Are you celebrities? What are you doing in my shot?

We're Rajeev... I mean, the merman's BFFs.

So, Mermy, we're going back to the VIP section,

'cause it, like, totally smells over here,

but you should definitely come hang. (CHUCKLES)

Since we're best friends and all.

Oh, you're such a phony, Lolo. You were dissing Rajeev a minute ago

and now you wanna hang out, just 'cause he's famous.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yo! I really don't appreciate you raggin' on my entourage.

I didn't think you'd be so jealous of my celebri-tude.

I thought you were a bigger man than that.

I'm gonna hit that VIP section while you cool off.

-(GIRLS CHEERING) -'Slaters.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

-Huh. Can you believe that drill bit? -(GROANS)

We need to take that wanna-bro down a peg! I know!

(LAUGHS) I'll make you so famous the world will forget

all about that overstuffed flounder!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Let's do this.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Just pretend I'm not here. I wanna get some B-roll for Merman Week.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SEAGULLS CHIRPING)

Whoa! Guys, you got it all wrong! I'm a celebrity, not a fish!

-(SCREAMS) -(THUDS)

(RAJEEV GROANS)

(KLEET GASPS)

(KLEET GRUNTS)

-(GIRLS LAUGH) -Oh, merman! We'll help you!

So, here's the plan. You show off your mega-rad surfing skills,

the papparazzles film you, and viola, the world is like, Mer-bro who? (CHUCKLES)

Little problem. I don't have mega-rad surfing skills!

Yeah but you got me.

Remember my movie Surfin' Brofari? (LAUGHS) I did all my own stunts.

So, all you gotta do is stand on the board,

and let the Cobra take care of the rest.

So, the key to surfing is to wait for your wave.

It's got to be huge, massive, a super-gnarly wall of...

Like that one?

BILLY: Whoo!

(GRUNTS) I guess I tear up the waves a little better

when there's a green screen behind me.

Hey, Mr. Merman, will you sign my sea bass?

(FLIES BUZZING)

Of course!

(MAN SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAM)

(COOING)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Oh. No, no, no! (GRUNTS)

Hello, that tickles! Get off me! (GRUNTS)

(SEAL COOING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS)

Okay, I know how we're gonna out-celeb Rajeev.

The media loves a hero, right? What if I save someone's life?

Brill O'Riley! (LAUGHS)

But I don't see any brosephs in need of herosephs.

That's where you come in.

Ah.

(LAUGHS)

Help! I spent so much time being a buzzkill,

I never learned to swim! Help!

Help!

Here now, is me, Greg Slick, reporting from the beach,

where a toupee'd man met with a tragic end today.

(PANTS)

Not yet! I, Spencer Wright, am gonna save him!

(SPENCER GRUNTS)

Huh? Yikes! Jellyfish!

(PANTS) I gotcha.

-(GROANS) Hey! Hey! -What in the...

I'm just trying to help!

Quit it! Ow!

(FLIES BUZZING)

-(GROANS, GAGS) -Alone at last.

Yeah, sure.

So, is that a beach chair or a loveseat?

Ew! (GROANS, GAGS)

-You reek! (GROANS) -(LAUGHS)

You don't laugh at me. I'm a celebrity! You wanna lose your access?

-(GROANS) -(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

Guys, I'm a celebrity, not a fish!

-(GROANING) -(THUDDING)

(SEAL COOING)

Oh! You again! (GRUNTS) Go away! I'm seeing someone!

(ALL LAUGH)

He, like, may be a merman, but he's still Rajeev.

(LAUGHS) Mer-loser! (LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Nine thousand four-hundred-forty-nine, nine thousand four-hundred-fifty. (GRUNTS)

What's uppenin', Bronaldo?

I'm trying to break the record for juggling a soccer ball with flippers.

The press corps is gonna go... (GRUNTS) ...ape sauce,

and it'll be later-much, Rajeev!

Nine thousand four-hundred-fifty-seven,

-nine thousand-four hundred-fifty-eight... -Good thinking, Lincoln. Fry?

Come on. Gotta keep your strength up, Broteus.

Lemme lay some ketchup on it for ya.

SPENCER: Nine thousand four-hundred-sixty-two.

One more! Yeah!

BILLY: Oops!

(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)

Dude! Why would you give up with just one to go?

(SCREAMS)

(WHOOSHING)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS, SNARLS)

(LOUD BURST)

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey, dudes, what's the haps?

(SCOFFS) What do you want?

I thought it was bad for your rep to be seen with us.

Oh, okay, straight up. I was a major chump trumpet to you peeps.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well, I... I guess I went a little nut-cake on you, too.

Now that we're homies again, I could really use some help ditching

-the stinky fish bod. -Easy-peasy. Alls we gotta do is...

(FLIES BUZZING)

-You have no idea. -Yes! That is what I mean!

Oh! Okay, lemme think.

If ecto and fish oil turned him into a merman,

maybe ecto and the opposite of fish oil will turn him back.

-(STUTTERS) A-ha! -The opposite of fish oil?

Got it in one! BRB.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-Motor oil? -Yeah! Genius, right?

(BILLY GRUNTS)

(RAJEEV CHUCKLES)

-Hey! -BILLY: Wow. (CHUCKLES)

-Huh? (GASPS) -Huh? (GASPS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Problem solved.

-(RAJEEV BEEPING) -(LAUGHS) Let's take him for a test drive!

-(EXCLAIMS) -Dudes, you gotta do something!

I don't wanna be a freak-boy forever!

Here now, is me Greg Slick, live at Beverly Beach,

-where a car-man has just been sighted! -Car-man? That is so bomb!

(CROWD CHEERING)

What can I say? It's my destiny to be a celeb!

-MALE VOICE: Aw. -FEMALE VOICE: Aw.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!