Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright, here.

And Billy Joe Cobra.

He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

(CHEERS) Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

BILLY: (CHUCKLING) Dude, that's my ghost!

(SNORTING)

(LAUGHS) Oh, boy! You guys are gonna love desert camping!

It's the ultimate male-bonding experience.

You know, you really don't know a man until you've pooped outside with him.

Uh, you know what, I might try to wait till we get home.

(GROANS) These jams bite hard. I'm revoking Hugh's DJ privileges.

(RADIO STATIC)

-Huh? -(RADIO STATIC)

-(RADIO STATIC) -(MUSIC CHANGING)

Why do I get the feeling you didn't tell the Hugh-man

we're only doing this so we can make a desert monster movie?

Of course I told him. You know, except for the making a movie part.

-Mm. -What? I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

He was so stoked about the trip.

But don't worry, we'll just sneak off and do it.

You're in, right, Billy?

Or are you gonna have another one of your meltdowns

-about being in nature? -(SCOFFS) Meltdown? Moi?

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I'm into nature big time. But I can't help you, dudes.

This trip is my chance to take my shaman's advice

and connect with my spirit animal,

-the mighty cobra! -(HISSING)

-Hey, my song! -(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

-(GASPS) -BILLY: Yee-haw!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

HUGH: This is how it's done, boys.

A sturdy tent is the first principle of good camping!

Hmm?

-SPENCER: Dad! -HUGH: Don't help me, son.

Getting out of a collapsed tent is the second principle of good camping.

I'll just be out of here in a jiffy. (GRUNTS)

(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)

(AIR HISSES)

(BILLY SPUTTERING)

Billy, what's your damage?

You want my dad to see a floating saxophone?

What am I supposed to attract a cobra with? A kazoo?

I hate to be the one to break it to you, duder,

but cobras live in India, not California.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah? Then what do you call that?

-(GRUNTS) -(SPENCER TREMBLES)

-I'd call it a moose. -What's it doing in the desert?

Chasing ghosts?

-(BELLOWS) -(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMS)

Huh?

Okay, guys, next lesson, how to cast a line.

Now whatcha wanna do is hold down the line with your thumb,

release the catch...

-then let her rip! -(LINE RATTLES)

(SCREAMS, GROANS)

-Dad! You okay? -I'm fine. (CHUCKLES)

Just wanted to, uh... (GROANS)

...teach you guys about the different kind of... (GROANS) ...cacti. (STRAINS)

This one's called the barrel cactus.

Uh, Dad, maybe you should take a rest. You've been working hard.

Nonsense! It's time for us to mosey on over to Greasy Lake,

and rustle us up a fish dinner.

Uh, I got a better idea. (CHUCKLES) Why don't we split up the work?

See, Rajeev and I will go find some firewood

so we can cook up all those fish. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What about the male bonding?

Uh, we'll have even more time to bond later at the campfire! (CHUCKLES)

Yes! I like it! Now you're thinking like an outdoorsman.

I'm a bad son, aren't I?

Well, sometimes you gotta make sacrifices for your art.

(VOCALIZES) I've got Hugh, babe

-(LINE RATTLING) -(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

How come you get to be the terrified guy with the camcorder,

and I have to be the desert monster? (GROANS)

Well, sometimes you gotta make sacrifices for your art, Jeevster.

Okay, rolling. Take one, and action!

I came here to this very spot to see

if the legend of Cactor the Desert Monster was true.

-And what I found was... -(RAJEEV SCREAMING)

-Wait! What is that? -(RAJEEV SCREAMING)

SPENCER: (SCREAMS) No. No!

-RAJEEV: Uh... -SPENCER: What are they? Cut!

(GROANS) Billy, do you mind?

Oh! (CHUCKLES) Sorry, bromissioner. I didn't realize this was a hot set.

I was just using this bad boy to attract my spirit animal.

-Cobras don't rattle. -No, but rattlesnakes do!

-(RATTLES) -(ALL SCREAM)

(HISSES)

Phew! At least I'm getting warmer.

-(LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

-What's with you, brotator cuffs? -You ectoplasmed your pants.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That was already there!

Don't you chumps have a movie to make or something?

HUGH: (MUMBLES) Spencer! Rajeev! Help!

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIRRING, SCREECHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SNARLS)

And, cut! Okay, great, great!

Let's do one more shot, and then go back to camp.

Uh, go on the other side of that rock and when I cue you,

don't hold anything back. (LAUGHS)

(SNARLING)

SPENCER: Dude, don't jump your cue!

(GROWLS)

-All right, fine, let's just go with it. -Could you keep it down, Broregard?

You're scaring off the spirit animals.

Wow. (LAUGHS) Jeevster really brought his A-game today.

(HUGH GROWLING)

Hey, Spencer, can I try this one with a Spanish accent?

Uh-oh. It's the real Cactor!

-(ALL SCREAM) -(GROWLS)

(TEETH CHATTERING)

(SNARLS)

Wait a minute. Those are my dad's shoes.

(CHUCKLES) Pretty weird that they shop at the same store.

No, fool! Cactor is my dad!

He must've gotten some of your ectoplasm on him.

(GROWLS)

Tell you what, let's talk about it later.

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

(TREMBLES) Oh! This is all my fault! I really am a bad son!

Then again... (LAUGHS) ...how often do I get to shoot a real monster?

Okay, Dad, show me the rage! Really sell it!

-(CLANKS) -(STATICS)

(VOICE SHAKING) Sold.

-(RANJEEV SCREAMS) -(SPENCER SCREAMS)

-(ENGINE STARTS) -What are you doing?

That's my dad out there! We can't just leave him in the desert.

Sure we can. He seems happy there.

-(THUDS) -(GROWLS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Uh, hey, brofessor, there is something wrong with your car.

Yeah, it's called the driver!

(GROWLS)

-I wonder what he's so tweaked about. -I don't know,

having a cactus stuck on his head? Being turned into a monster?

-Having a son he can't relate to? -Hey, we relate just fine!

I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna try to calm him down.

Are you psycho? You saw what that thing did to your camera!

(HUGH SNARLING)

-That "thing" is my dad! -(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

I got your back...

(HUGH GROWLING)

...from a safe distance.

Dad, Dad! It's me, Spencer, your son, remember?

We came out here to go camping. You know, male bonding?

(WHISPERS) Dude! It's working!

(HUGH SNARLS)

(ROARS)

Nope, no, it isn't.

(TREMBLES)

(HUGH GROWLS)

(PANTS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! (SCREAMS)

-(THUDS) -(GROANS)

-(SNARLS, ROARS) -(SCREAMS)

(GLASS CLANKING)

-(RADIO TURNS ON) -(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

Come on!

(HUGH SNARLING)

-(GRUNTS) -(GRUNTS)

Dad, are you okay?

Why am I all sticky?

-(CHUCKLES) -You've been practicing your casting.

Uh, yep. You're a good teacher.

Well, turns out there's nothing to catch in this wasteland.

How about we continue our male-bonding at a steakhouse?

Sounds good! But there's one small problem.

Huh. Must have forgot to set the parking brake.

That's another principle of good camping.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, spirit animal. This is your last chance.

The Cobra has to get back to his crib.

-Get over here, Billy. -I think this is a little more important.

-(ENGINE REVVING) -(RAJEEV STRAINING)

-(SPENCER GRUNTS) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BUZZING)

(SCREAMS) Wa... wait! Don't leave me here!

-(ECTOPLASM DRIPPING) -Oop...

This is getting to be a problem.

(MOOSE ROARING)

-What was that? -Probably nothing.

Definitely not an ecto-fied moose.

(MOOSE SNARLS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-Bro's-eye! Woo-hoo! -(CROWD CHEERING)

Dude! This was my last clean shirt!

Cobra's got you covered, Brolero. You could wear some of my gear.

(CHUCKLES) Not if it's anything like that. Why are you dressed like that, anyway?

I know it's Valentine's Day and all, but...

Uh, you mean it's "Billentine's Day."

-I... I'm sorry, what? -The one day a year

everyone gets to feel what it's like to be me.

It's called Valentine's Day!

It's a gross holiday where everyone goes around,

telling everyone else how much they love them.

(SCOFFS) It's a total puke parade.

Hey! This is almost normal looking.

The dry cleaners must have gotten mixed up.

(GROANS) Dude! It smells like an angel wafted one in here.

That's cold, bro. This is my private blend.

"Scent of a Cobra."

(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

-Have a hit, man. -(SPENCER GROANS)

SPENCER: That is horrible!

Whoa! No! You do not wanna wear that shirt.

-Why not? -It's my "break-up shirt."

I wore it every time I had to give a señorita her walking papers.

You had a shirt for that?

(CHUCKLES) What'd you wear when the girls broke up with you?

Broke up with me? Mm. I'm sorry, you're not making any sense.

Anyway, that shirt is a no-go.

-It's like the anti-love shirt, dude. -Works for me!

BILLY: Hmm.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Yo, yo, yo! Looks like somebody's under the mistletoe. (LAUGHS)

-Time for a kiss. -Mistletoe is for Christmas, you failure.

Oh, I meant Valen-toe.

(SMOOCHES)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(THUDS)

Good plan, sweetheart! I'll be here, waiting for you!

(MUFFLED) Mm. Smells good! Like hotness mixed with anger and money.

Happy Billentine's Day, everybody!

Hey, let's see how my love arrows are working.

(CREAKING)

(BEAT BOXING) Mm?

-Happy Billentine's Day, everybody! -(MUTTERS)

(GASPS) Huh? Ooh!

(LAUGHS, GROANS)

-(GROANS) Hey! -MALE VOICE: Oh. (GASPS)

Who's feelin' the love?

(ELECTRONIC MUTTERING)

(MUMBLES) Love. Love. Love.

-Love. Love. -(MUMBLES) Love. Love.

ALL: (CHANT) Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

-Love. Love. Love. Love. -Love. Love. Love. Love.

(LAUGHS) They're feeling it!

Uh, dude, why is everybody turning into a zombie?

ALL: Love. Love.

They're not supposed to do that till Billyween!

-(GRUNTS) Get off of me! -Love. Love. Love.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(SPENCER SCREAMING)

ALL: (GRUNTING) Love. Love. Love.

(PANTS)

-ALL: (SNARL) Love! -(SPENCER GASPS, SCREAMS)

-ALL: Love! -(SCREAMS)

(PANTS)

(ALL SNARLING)

-(GRUNTS, GASPS) -(SIGHS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh. Principal Ponzi.

I know this is gonna sound completely crazy,

but the whole school's turned into zombies obsessed with...

Love!

(SCREAMING)

PONZI: Love. Love. Love...

-(GASPS, GRUNTS) -ALL: Love. Love. Love.

-BILLY: Spence! Heads up! -Love.

-(GRUNTS) -(POT SCRAPING)

Why is this happening?

Beats me, dude. Maybe there's a full moon.

-It's daytime! -Well, what do you got?

I don't know, maybe it's your love arrows.

I mean, what's the deal with those things anyway?

I got them at this really cool store called "The Internet."

They have, like, everything there.

Well, is it possible that they actually work?

Of course, they do. That's why I bought 'em.

We need to find an antidote. Think, Billy, think!

(STRAINS) Mm!

I don't know.

I mean, I got this stuff, but I don't know what good it'll do us.

"Love antidote."

Right. So that's not gonna be much help, is it?

(GASPS, GRUNTS, SIGHS)

Mm! (GRUNTS) Go sit over there!

Oh!

(BILLY GROANING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

The Cobra has heard the call and is ready for battle!

ALL: Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love.

(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)

SHANILLA: Lo... (GROANS)

(KLEET GROANS)

-ALL: Love. Love. Love. -SPENCER: Hey!

Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love.

-Woo-hoo! -Yeah! Whoo!

(LAUGHS)

KLEET: Love.

-Huh? -SPENCER: Huh?

-ALL: Love. -(BOTH EXCLAIM)

ALL: Love.

RAJEEV: Lolo, is that you, baby?

(SCREAMING)

-PONZI: Love. -Huh?

-Love. Love. -You again?

-What'd you have for lunch? -Love... (GROANS)

(WHOOSHING)

(ALL SNARLING)

-Well, so much for the antidote. -Yeah, what a rip-off!

(SCOFFS) Forget you, Internet.

From now on, I'm doing all my shopping online.

-Mm. -(FLY BUZZING)

(SNIFFS)

Ew! Chasing those zombies made me all pitty-smelling.

(GROANS) Dude! That's way worse!

-What's in that stuff? -Let's see,

well, you got your elderflower, rose petals,

lavender, deer musk, yak musk, wildebeest musk!

And the secret sauce...

pure, uncut, grade-A Cobra sweat!

(WATER BURBLING)

Dude! It's not the love arrows! It's your sweat!

You must have turned everyone into zombies when you hugged them!

You're a genius, Brolock Holmes! Give me a hug.

Mm?

Did you not hear what I just said?

(BEAT BOXING)

-(GASPS) -(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I wasn't talking to myself. Nope. I was, uh, you know, talking on my phone.

Hello? Yeah, can you hear me now? Yeah, that's better.

-So, like I was saying... -(CONTINUES BEAT BOXING)

Hey, wait up. How come Bro-Stevie isn't all zombified anymore?

Hmm. Yeah, and he hugged me! So shouldn't I be a zombie, too?

Oh, man! You are a zombie!

No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah. I guess not.

-(DOOR OPENS) -(GIRL SNARLING)

Love!

-Uh... Hello! Men's room? -FEMALE VOICE: Love!

-Love! -Oh, no! I'm a zombie!

Told ya!

-I'm not a zombie! -Dude, make up your mind.

-(SQUEAKS) -(GASPS)

Jerk!

-Huh? What was that all about? -I don't know, baked brotato,

but it happened to me every time I wore that shirt.

Wait a minute, this is your breakup shirt!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's why I told you not to wear it.

It's not Billentine's Day appropriate.

But it's our way out of this mess. It must be so full of bad vibes,

it'll knock the love right out of everybody!

They'll all think I'm breaking up with them!

(CHUCKLES) Well, be sure to let 'em down easy.

You know, thank 'em for the good times,

say something like, "It's not you, it's me."

Love. (SNARLS)

(SPENCER SCREAMS)

(ERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(KLEET SIGHS)

(GASPS)

It works!

-(KLEET GRUNTS) -(SPENCER GROANS)

Looks like you got a lot of hugging to do, Bromeo.

-Oh, I hate Valentine's Day. -You mean Billentine's Day.

(SNARLING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

Love. Love. Love. Love.

(SLAPPING)

-(CRIES) -(ELECTRIC BEEPING, SCREECHING)

-(PONZI GRUNTS) -(SPENCER GROANS)

-(SIGHS) -(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SLAPPING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-(GROANS) -You, uh, coming to lunch?

I don't know. I'm not sure I can chew.

It was worth it. You're a hero.

For a bro who hates to hug, you did it up right.

I wonder if there's a long line at the cafeteria. (CHUCKLES)

RAJEEV: You comin', boo? Better hurry up! Valentine's Day won't last forever.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!