Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright, here.

-And, Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

Next stop, the Tokyo Museum of Pop Stars.

How cool is it that the Jap-bronese wanna build a shrine to my greatness?

-It's just an exhibition, drill bit. -Eh.

Hey, whatcha got in the sack, Jack?

Well, just a couple of things I held back.

You know, just in case something happens to my necklace and I can't see you.

You worry too much, brotoplasm.

We can't deprive my Japanese fans of this stuff.

Hmm...

Yeah, you're right. What could happen to my necklace?

-I did it! I really did it! -Did what?

I created life! I call her Gwendolyn.

(SHIVERS)

Does it feel chilly? I better get Gwenny a sweater.

(EXCLAIMS, GRUNTS)

Oh, no.

Oh, no, Billy! I can't see you!

(PANTING)

Dad, something in the ground

just sucked my guitar pick necklace right off me.

There, there, Gwendolyn.

That's the pest-control system I installed.

It sucks up foreign invaders and incinerates them.

Incinerates?

Tell ya what, you can wear my old necklace.

You'll love it. It's totally fresh.

Okay, we can fix this.

(BEEPS)

Jeevster, it's me. I need to borrow Billy's belt.

No problemo! How soon can you get to India?

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

-Oh, shoot! I forgot. -Oh, gotta run. Elephant taxi's here.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

HUGH: Found it!

That... (GROANS)

-You'll get used to it. -Huh?

Didn't I ever tell you about my Jam Master Hugh days?

Check me!

Well, my name is Hugh And I'm just sayin'

When I saw wood I cut with the grain Word to your Mama...

Out

(GROANS)

(BEEPS)

SPENCER: Billy? Billy? Billy? Psst! Billy!

Billy, are you in here? Give me a sign!

I know it bites, but it looks like we're gonna have to fly solo

till your stuff comes back. It's only a few weeks.

No, no, no, no! I need my entourage! Even if it is only you.

(SIGHS) Are you gonna be okay? Give me a sign.

(SCREAMS) I'll take that as a "no."

(CHEWING)

I can't take it! It's been almost ten minutes!

Oh, texting, the new talking!

(BEEPING)

(MESSAGE RINGTONE)

Huh? Syrup ivy foxtrot?

-(SCREAMS) Stupid auto-fill function! -(BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

-Huh? -Huh?

Yeah, it's a... it's a new special effect. Pretty cool, huh? (CHUCKLES)

I will not be ignored!

Ooh!

Sorry. I promise I'll cut it out.

'Cause there's no point in acting like a maniac!

(CHUCKLES) Maniac? I'll show you maniac!

Huh?

Your special effects aren't that good. That's a ghost!

There's no such thing as ghosts.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, really? Then who's doing... this?

(SCREAMING)

-(SCREAMING CONTINUES) -(GRUNTS) Ugh!

Happy now?

Well, at least you're talking to me.

(SOBBING)

What are we gonna do?

-I'll kick his butt! -You'll do nothing of the sort!

I have a better idea. We'll hire a ghost hunter.

Ghost hunter, huh? I wonder who they're going to get.

MADAME X: You! You moron!

This is the perfect ruse for you to get in the house!

Bring me Billy Joe Cobra!

But, Madame X, Pickling with the Stars is starting in five minutes.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

MADAME X: You need to wear Billy Joe's underwear so you can see him!

(SNIFFING) Hmm..

Say hello to our ghost hunter, Mr. Hoover.

Tell this phony to hit the road.

He's not a ghost hunter any more than I am.

-Huh? -Huh?

That's okay. The boy is right to be cautious.

There are a lot of scam artists out there.

But none of them have... this! The Ghost Containment Unit.

This little green light tells you when you've hauled in a spooky one.

I'd say that pretty much seals it.

JANE: Hmm?

(GRUNTS)

(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)

Ha! Bingo! There's the troublemaker.

(GRUNTING)

-(BEEPS, VACUUM WHIRS) -(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES)

(GROANING)

Release my underthings, you perv!

It's all over, Hoover. You can't see Billy, so get lost.

I don't need to see him. I'll just set this to "Suck Everything."

-(CHUCKLING) -(VACUUM WHIRRING)

(BEEPS)

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS) Who does that guy think he is?

Nobody trashes the Cobra's lair! Except the Cobra.

Billy, if you're in here give me a sign!

Ah!

Knocking on the wall would work, too, you know. Listen, I got a plan.

We let Hoover trash the house until my parents are so tweaked

they throw him out. You can chill in the garage. Cool?

No, not cool. I don't want that Hoover-monkey trashing my crib!

Think of something else! (GRUNTING)

Great! And oh, that's a much better sign.

(LASER BEEPING)

Psst... Billy, quick! Hoover will never look in here!

(CHUCKLING)

Hmm?

-What are you doing? -Not now, little girl.

-(PUNCHING) -(HOOVER GROANING)

Yeah, Freaky Tiki Room! Good idea, Billy!

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING)

Oh!

Mom! This guy is out of control, I... Look what he did to the Tiki Room!

That's okay. Now I can turn it into a belly-dance studio.

-(LAUGHING) -What?

(SCREAMS)

-Billy? Get back in the garage. Now! -But there's spiders in there, man.

Ugh!

(GROANING)

You led me in here intentionally, didn't you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I know if you're standing here, Billy's nowhere nearby.

You're right.

He's in the garage.

-Ha! I'll bet. -No, seriously.

I told him to hide in there.

If you're telling me he's in the garage, that means...

you don't want me to go in here!

A-ha! (CHUCKLING)

-My antique tweezers collection! -My homemade sock deodorizer!

Now can we get rid of him?

No way!

Who else is gonna have a Ghost Containment Unit

with that kind of horsepower?

(SCREAMING)

(CRASH)

(GROANING)

(HUGH SCREAMS)

Hang in there, Gwendolyn. You're gonna make it.

(SOBS)

You monster! (GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

-(GRUNTING) -No!

Wait! We still have a ghost in the house!

But maybe that's better than a ghost hunter.

Hmm...

Man, it is blinding out.

Oh... wait a minute.

-Dude, you're back! -Bro-hug!

Wait, where did you get these glasses?

Hey, you had 'em all along, didn't you?

No...

SPENCER: Dude, check out my new Snaggletooth app.

-Hey, who left the outhouse door open? -(BILLY LAUGHING)

Those teeth are too funny, brohanne. Do it again!

Y'all want some more pie?

(LAUGHING) Again, again! Huh?

(SCREAMS)

Dude, it's just a Halloween decoration.

Huh? Halloween? Not a fan, bro.

So I guess you're gonna want to deck the crib out, like, super creepy, huh?

Halloween is for amateurs. Brand spider webs, plastic skeletons?

No, I wouldn't waste my time. Whoa, check this out!

Nancy Bigelow is holding a Halloween House of Horror contest!

Whoever creates the scariest house gets to be her assistant on her next film!

Huh, Nancy Big-a-what?

You know, the most famous special effects designer in the business!

(CHUCKLES) Come on! We've got work to do.

I thought you said Halloween was for amateurs.

This isn't about Halloween, anymore. It's way bigger.

Okay... but no ghosts! They creep me out! (WHIMPERS)

Then, after the visitor gets splattered by fake blood, that's where you come in.

Me? No way, brosé.

Dude, you're a ghost. You have to be a part of this.

Get the Hughster to do it. He loves helping out.

No can do. The 'rents are taking Jessica to a Halloween party. It's just us.

Well, then it looks like you're flying solo, brolo.

Okay. I guess I'll have to change the name of the place.

I was gonna call it the Billy Joe Cobra House of Carnage.

-You were? -Check out the signage.

Ha! From my Billy Gives You the Willies album. (CHUCKLES) Awesome!

But you don't wanna be a part of this, so...

(SCREAMS) I changed my mind. (CHUCKLES)

The Cobra is always happy to help out a broseph.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(HAMMER THUDDING)

Hey, Rajeev, what's going on here?

Your freaky friend is up to something, and I want to know what it is.

Sorry, Lolo. I don't think Spencer would want me to tell you.

If you tell me... you can go for a ride with me.

(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY) Yeah... Whoa!

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -Ow!

Hey, I held up my end! What about my ride?

That was your ride. I never said how long it was going to be.

She is so smart.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SPENCER: And check out the grand finale.

When people come in, they'll walk into this rug that's made of your clothes.

-That means... -They'll be able to see me?

Yep! It'll be like a huge Cobra comeback show!

Fun on a bun! (CHUCKLES)

-And it won't even be scary, right? -Right. And at the end, this happens.

(SCREAMS)

-(WHIMPERING) -SPENCER: Well, I guess that's working.

(BLADES WHIRRING)

Enter Lolo's Den of Darkness, if you dare! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(SCREAMING)

Hi, Ms. Bigelow! Spencer Wright. Big fan.

(BLADES WHIRRING)

-And, I'm Lolo Calorie. Bigger fan. -(GRUNTS)

All right, guys. What have you got for me?

I'm warning you, I've seen a lot of pathetic houses tonight.

-I don't think you'll be disappointed... -By mine.

-(CHUCKLES) -(GRUNTS)

Looks like that assistant job is mine.

(SIGHS) Since when do you care about working for a special effects designer?

Since a certain friend of yours told me that you cared about it.

Ah.

-(CHUCKLING) -(SIGHS)

I'm sorry, dude! I had no choice! She offered me a ride in her limo.

(SIGHS)

It's closing time for Cobra's House of Cornball.

(CHUCKLES)

Whoa, Lolo's butt butler. This looks a little fish tacos.

No. Too scary. Ah! Gotta do it!

No, no. Too scary.

(TEETH CHATTERING)

(ELECTRIC SPARK)

-(GASPS) -Huh?

(SIGHS) I gotta do something. The rug, he can can see me.

Hold it right there, Lolo's lackey.

(BOTH SCREAM)

(GROANING) Let me out!

-(WHIMPERS) -Let me out! (GROANS)

Oh...

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SCREAMING)

I'll bet Billy's doing this! (CHUCKLES) Way to get my back, Cobra!

This actually looks interesting.

Are you sure you're brave enough to go in?

-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) -Sorry, private showing!

(GROANING)

Okay, my favorite room in the house. Nothing scary can happen in here.

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS MENACINGLY)

Huh?

Keep it up, Billy, you're nailing it!

Wow. Those look pretty real.

They are real!

(PANTING)

(CHUCKLES) Phew, great effect, huh? (CHUCKLES)

(LOUD THUD, CREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

-Okay, you're amazing. You got the gig. -Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!

(HUMMING)

Oh, haha! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll be right back.

-(ROARS) -(WHIMPERS)

Billy!

-(SCREAMS) -(SCREAMS)

(SIGHS) Brotician, you're here.

Dude, we did it. Can you change it back now?

-You think I did this? -Huh? Then what's happening?

I don't know, but I just want my house back.

Okay, okay. Come on. Let's try and hold it together.

Tell me exactly what happened before the house changed.

Okay, I was following Lolo's henchdude around,

when all this scary stuff started happening.

And I screamed, and then the next thing I know

I'm sucked into the wall and everything's super creep show. (SOBS)

Dude, I think it's your fear that's doing this to the house.

-That's wickety-wack! -(GRUNTING)

(ROARING)

-(SCREAMS) -Ouch.

Okay, maybe you're right.

Billy, I think the only way to make this stop

is for you not to be afraid anymore.

Well, I don't see that happening any time soon.

-(ROARING) -(SCREAMS)

(CONTINUES ROARING)

Adrian?

Billy, look! It's just Adrian. This guy's not scary.

-(ROARS) -(GRUNTS)

-(CHUCKLES) -(ROARS)

Huh?

Billy, just think of something happy and fun!

(WHIMPERS) Okay. Doh, I can't think of anything! (SOBS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(ROARS)

Huh?

I tell ya, Bobby Joe.

When they hit this feller with the ugly stick,

they must've used a whole tree.

(LAUGHS) Funny teeth. Again! Again!

It's hotter in here than two squirrels in a wool sock.

(LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

While you're not scared, let's get you out of there.

(STRAINING)

-So, when do I start? -Never!

After that experience, I'm done with horror!

From now on, I'm just doing romantic comedies.

Aw.

Sorry, bromie. I know how much you wanted that gig.

That's true. But, dude,

we were the ones who scared Nancy Bigelow out of the business.

(CHUCKLES) How cool is that?

Stop it, you big baby! You're acting like you've seen a ghost!

(CHUCKLES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!