Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

And Billy Joe Cobra.

He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-ha!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

(FLUTE PLAYING)

-(LEAF BLOWER BLOWING) -(SPENCER CHUCKLES)

Yo, penicillin! Put a sock in it, man!

I'm trying to do my bro-chi. It keeps the cobra centered and serene.

-(BLOWS) -(SCREAMS)

-(GRUNTS) -(SPENCER LAUGHS)

If I wasn't so centered and serene, you'd be in a world of pain right now.

(ENGINE REVS)

Hoover alert. Quick, Billy! Hide!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Pizza delivery.

You really need a fresher disguise, Hoover.

It's not a disguise anymore.

Madame X has terminated my position as Cobra-catcher.

Yeah, right.

It's true. She's gotten over her unhealthy obsession with Billy

and devoted herself to more productive pastimes.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Dude, I'm not buying what the Hoover monkey's selling.

Here I am, Hoover. Come and get me.

Whatcha gonna do?

Come on, Hoover, make your move!

Heh. What gives? It's like he can't even see me.

No wonder! He's not wearing my undies like he always does!

I think he's truthing!

Please tell your ghost to show a little respect.

-(THUDS) -(SCREAMS)

Here's your extra-large gooey gorgonzola.

Hey, I didn't order this.

Actually, I did, pepperbroni.

My last tai chi move is always stuffing my 'za hole.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Dude, our lives are gonna be so much better without Madame X on your case!

I know! Starting with decent pizza delivery! (CHUCKLES)

Think about it.

No more crazed superfan obsessing over you day and night, 24/7, 365.

No!

SPENCER: No more freak show who... Who thinks the world revolves around you,

and devotes her entire life

-to catching you. -(KETTLE WHISTLING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

-What's wrong? -If no one's obsessed with me anymore,

what's the point of getting out of bed in the morning?

Billy, first of all, you don't sleep in a bed. Second of all...

Um, Son? I can't help noticing you're scarfing down

a whole pizza and talking to yourself.

Classic cry for help. Fortunately, your old man's been taking

an online course to become a certified life coach!

Shall we begin our session?

-Ugh, are you serious? -Serious as a personality disorder.

(TIMER TICKS)

Now, Son, life is like a piece of furniture.

You put it together all shoddy, and you're headed to Loserville.

But if you build it carefully, you're on the road to Successtown.

I want you to put together this bookshelf from Ibreakya.

If you can assemble this, there's no reason

you can't reassemble your life...

-(TIMER ALARM RINGS) -Oops!

Afraid we have to stop, but we'll have you fixed up in no time.

-(GRUNTS) This is impossible. -Let me give it a try.

-(HAMMERING, SQUEAKING) -(SIGHS)

Hey, ghost boy! Catch!

Rajeev!

It's not my fault! He... He was supposed to catch it!

What's the point? What's the point of anything?

Billy, you gotta snap out of it.

Hey, how about we hit the studio and kick out some Cobra classics?

(SIGHS) I'm in like a safety pin!

I'm looking at the bro in the mirror

I'm telling him not to change a thing

There's no way it'll be any clearer

When it comes to being bromazing He's the king

Madame X loved that song! (GROANS)

Why did I let her go?

(GRUNTS)

Uh, I think it's time for plan B. Whoa!

Look at those hands. All they ever wanted to do was put me in a jar.

And I ignored them! (WAILS)

Hey, Billy, look who I found! Your new obsessed superfan!

Oh, my gosh!

The ghost of Billy Joe Cobra! I must capture him for my shrine.

Where's my ghost-containment unit?

-(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS) -What? Rajeev.

I knew he'd never buy it.

I mean, you're all he can talk about.

-How long have you been obsessed with me? -Uh, about 40 seconds?

-And what's your henchman situation? -My sister.

Are you willing to stop at nothing to enslave my spirit 24/7, 365?

No. Let's not go crazy. I mean, I got a lot on my plate.

School, my lady Lolo, shopping for jeans.

Never mind. This isn't gonna work out.

Good, 'cause this was starting to seem like a big hassle.

Ah-ha! That was a test that you failed!

If you were really obsessed with me, you wouldn't take no for an answer!

Ugh! Dad got you guys, too?

Oh, I think it's really working!

Suddenly my life feels as solid as this table.

-Oh. -(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I love lookin' at the bro in the mirror

I'm tellin' him not to change a thing

(WAILS)

Any ideas for plan C?

All's we gotta do is get Billy a new whack job fan.

Only this time, for realsies.

That's what they invented the Internet for.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Here you go. This is so your new fan will recognize you.

You'll love him. He sounds like a real headcase.

How do I look? Is my hair good?

Wait! How's he gonna see me?

It's all taken care of.

GLENN: Are you, uh...

"Megastar seeking crazed fan"?

I might be. What are your qualifications?

Well, I've had restraining orders from six celebrities,

been banned from eleven countries and four cruise lines.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Wait. You're that Cobra fellow, aren't you?

That's right. The man, the legend.

Unanimously voted into the Famous Persons' Hall of Fame.

Sorry. This isn't gonna work. Your music never did it for me.

You probably haven't heard my early stuff. I mean, I could play you...

Wait a minute. Aren't you no longer with us?

-So? -(SCREAMS)

At least I don't wear a wig! Adios, bromigo.

Oh, all set. (GIGGLES)

-Where's Dad? -He's helping one of his clients

-reassemble her life. -He has clients?

Of course! Well, one. But she's just crazy about him.

You know who was crazy? Madame X! And now she's gone!

Mom! Spencer's doing special effects at dinner again!

-(CLUCKS) -(SCREAMS)

-(BOTH GASP) -Spencer, clean this up!

Come on, Jessica. Let's go get pizza!

Pizza? That just reminds me of Sam. Which reminds me of Madame X.

Okay, that's it! We're getting Madame X back!

Can we, Spencer? Can we?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

You sure this is the right place, brodian?

-Pretty sure. -MADAME X: Who is it?

-Spencer Wright and Billy Joe Cobra. -Get lost!

I'm done with Billy Joe Cobra, thanks to my life coach!

Nah, couldn't be. Your life coach.

His name wouldn't happen to be Doctor Hugh, would it?

Why, yes! Isn't he the best?

He just built me the most gorgeous stereo console!

The Hugh-man stole my crazed superfan?

(WAILS)

MADAME X: Doctor Hugh, return to the house I need another coaching session!

Client X, no! You're not reassembling your life, you're just transferring

your obsession with that pop star to me!

I don't care! I need you to finish putting together my living room set.

I'm afraid we'll have to disassemble this relationship.

(CAR ENGINE REVS)

MADAME X: We'll see about that.

HUGH: No!

(SHUDDERS)

I'm afraid I can't accept this coupon.

You just wrote "Pizza Coupon" on a slip of paper.

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) -(SCREAMS)

Madame X needs me!

Gotta go!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

-(GRUNTS) -Going somewhere, Doctor Hugh?

I think not.

(SCREAMS)

Dude, we've gotta help my dad!

Oh, do we, Spencer? What has he done for me besides stealing from me?

Fine.

(LAUGHS)

(BALLOON DEFLATES)

BILLY: Ugh.

-(TIRES SCREECH) -(CAR ENGINE REVS)

Ugh!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

That's the last of it. What say we hit the Wi-Fri and celebrate Doctor Hugh

getting out of the life coaching business?

Uh, you go without me, bro. I got nothing to celebrate.

We didn't order any pizzas, Sam.

This isn't a delivery. It's a pickup. I'm taking this ghost to go!

-I'm back! -I'll catch you, Billy!

(LAUGHS)

(GIGGLES)

MAN ON TV: Are you a normal family living in the Beverly Heights area?

Our new family reality show is looking for you.

HUGH: Hm?

MAN ON TV: Send your audition tapes to...

Heh, what kind of toolbags would let a reality show into their house?

The kind of toolbags who want to be big stars so they can make albums

or have their own skincare lines.

And if you choose us, I'll teach your viewers

how to get more sucking power out of their vacuum cleaners.

And I'll dazzle them with my hair-sculpting techniques.

And I'll do this!

And that's why the Wright family is the right family

for your reality show. And cut.

-Good job, guys. -(ALL CHEER)

I don't get it, Ozzie Osbro. Since when did you want to be famous?

I thought you were Mr. Low-Profile-Behind-the-Scenes-owitz.

Dude, believe me, I hate the idea of being on a reality show.

But I'm willing to make the sacrifice for my movies.

Think how many hits I'll get if I'm a reality star.

Yeah? Well, what's in it for the Cobra?

Aside from getting my crib trashed by a bunch of camera goons.

You're right. It would be a huge invasion of privacy to have

at your house on millions of TV screens.

All those people gawking at your photos and statues,

and wanting to know everything about you.

You know what? I'll just go and press delete.

BILLY: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

You know, you might as well send in the tape.

There's no harm in that.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(YAWNS)

(SCREAMS) Wow!

Huh? Oh...

-Lolo! -Hey, Spencer. Guess what?

You guys are the stars of my new reality show, Plain Folks.

You hear that? We're gonna be famous.

(ALL SCREAM)

-Your reality show? -Totally.

I wanted to get into the TV business, so, Daddy set me up.

-He bought you a camera? -No, he bought me a network.

Just go about your daily business, Spencer.

-Pretend I'm not here. -Forget it. We're not doing this.

Thanks for stopping by.

-Boo! -Boo!

Spencer! Sure I give you a hard time, but that's the "School" me.

Seriously. "Professional" Lolo picked your family

because you're the kind of plain folks that real people can relate to.

-Yeah, sure. -I got this, bro.

She's straight up. I just read her thoughts.

Dude, this is what I do!

Come on, Spencer! Please! It'd be amazing!

All right, we're in.

ALL: Yay!

Okay, let's start with a nice close-up of cut-out Billy.

And action!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

-Hi-yah! Hi-yah! -(METAL CLANGS)

Hurry up, Spencer! It's starting!

Hugh's in my seat!

LOLO: You're watching Lolo-Vision. And now, the premiere of Criminal Folk.

-Huh? -Huh?

Beverly Heights, a safe, friendly place where super rich people raise

their families in the luxury they deserve.

Who would believe a global criminal enterprise is flourishing

under our very noses? Meet the Wright crime family.

There's Hugh, A.K.A. "The Handyman"...

flooding the world's currency markets with his funny money.

Ah.

LOLO: Then there's "Clip Joint" Jane. Wonder why her salon is so well-stocked?

Maybe it's because she's a thief!

-Somebody call the cops! -(SIREN WAILING)

(WAILS)

LOLO: Say hello to Jessica "The Butcher" Wright.

Budding martial artist, or hired muscle?

That's such a crock! You didn't lay a finger on him!

I kind of did. Got a little carried away.

And then there's the mastermind of the whole shady operation,

Spencer "The Director" Wright.

Guess what's in those movies he's always making?

Attention, leaders of the free world. If you don't give me all of your gold,

I will be forced to destroy the planet Earth!

(EXPLOSION)

-You did this to us! (WAILS) -What? I...

Have you thought about where you're going to live from now on?

I'm gonna take you apart! (GRUNTS)

Zero Cobra on screen! I blame you!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-(ALL GASP) -There he is! "The Director!"

(ALL SCREAM)

Oh.

We're nice people here! We don't want your kind around.

But, Mallory, I...

Please don't let "The Butcher" hurt me! Please!

Oh, Lolo, Criminal Folk is a very important series.

The world needs to know what these miscreants are up to.

I've arranged to keep the school open late for mandatory screenings

of all 52 episodes. (GIGGLES)

(GASPS) I'm calling the cops!

Man, I must be some kind of idiot for ever trusting you.

Well, I agree with the "Idiot" part.

Hah! You walked right into that one, Bro Diddley.

Guys, guys! Look, I know I messed up, but I got a plan.

When Lolo shows up, we just don't let her in.

(ALL LAUGH)

Messed up? You're our hero!

Thanks to you, we're stars! Check out these billboards of us!

They're all over town!

I got chased home by some paparazzi and nearly totaled my car.

It was fantastic!

(SIGHS) Been there, Hugh. You just never want it to end!

But you're famous because people think you're a criminal!

Since when does it matter what you're famous for?

I'm starting to wonder if we raised you right.

Come on, guys! We have to put a stop to this!

-(DOOR OPENS) -Great stuff! Don't let me interrupt you!

Hi, Lolo!

I have some great ideas for the next episode!

What if I did a carjacking?

Honey, it's not all about you.

I'm thinking I could blow up a dam and flood the city!

That's lame. My idea is better.

They're both lame. Beat-downs are how you get ratings!

Hi-yah! (GRUNTS)

Ugh. This is hopeless.

Yeah, really. So, tell me when you think I'm in the shot.

Oh, man, if this keeps up, my movie career is over.

No one's gonna hire me if they think I'm a psychotic criminal.

Yeah, if only they knew how boring you really are.

Oh, yeah! Thanks a lot.

Hey, wait a minute. You're right. We're all pretty dullsville.

I'll throw together some home videos, make my own reality show.

Then everyone can see the real, boring us.

Who's gonna watch that?

Everybody, ‘cause they'll think they're watching Lolo's show.

After you swap the tapes. Let's see.

How about last year's summer vacation? That was normal-ish.

Or not. Jessica's fourth birthday. Yes!

-(THUDS) -Ah.

Um.

-(MOUSE BEEPING) -(GROWLS)

This is a bad plan.

What are we gonna do now?

-Snackage? -Why not?

I tell ya, Adrian, being a producer goddess is so much more satisfying

than hanging out with those dweebs in school.

Spencer! Welcome to your big night.

I have a feeling I'm gonna enjoy tonight's episode.

You're watching Lolo-Vision.

Mission brocomplished!

Ha! Look at these ratings!

(GASPS) Do I know what the brain-dead viewers want, or what?

All right! Spencer! Coming through with some bromotion for the Cobra!

(PHONE CHIMES)

No, Mallory, I don't wanna hear about your stupid problems.

At least it wasn't that lunkhead, Kleet.

Huh?

Just going to that school turns you into an idiot.

-Huh? -Huh?

I should get Ponzi to expel everyone and bring in some cool people.

That spineless worm will do whatever I tell him.

(GROWLS)

Stop the show! Stop the show! Turn it off!

(ALL BOO)

(BOTH WHOOP)

Yeah!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, did you notice that only a few people ran away from me screaming today?

Soon life'll be back to normal.

(GROWLS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

Hi, Spencer. I see you met Magogo.

He's gonna be standing in for your father for a little while.

It's for the new reality show we're on, Gorilla Switch. How cool is that?

Gorilla Switch? Where's dad?

So, who wants to learn how to use power tools? (GIGGLES)

(GROWLS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!