Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

Hey, Dad, whatcha making?

-(GASPS) -(SCREAMS, BLOWS)

Oh wait, that doesn't hurt.

This is a Bundt cake mold for your mo... (SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(HUGH SCREAMING)

-Dad, are you okay? -Yep. Just demonstrating

shop safety lesson number 11.

Never handle hot metal with your bare hands.

Ah. Jessica said you wanted to see me about something.

Yeah. Mother's Day is only two days away. I hope you've given it some thought.

We don't want a repeat of last year.

-(GRUNTS) -(ALL SCREAM)

Oops. Sorry, Mom. Wrong box. That's for a movie.

Don't worry, Dad. I know exactly what I'm gonna do this year.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do this year.

Hey! Think your mom would like boxing gloves?

Hmm, let me see those.

-No, I don't! -Hey, guys! Check it out!

(BILLY MIMICKING APE)

It's me, 13 hairstyles ago!

Wow! I didn't know they made a doll of you!

It's not a doll. It's an action figure!

Let me see, huh.

"Style-a-Billy, with Billy Joe Cobra's real hair!

"Curl him, perm him, straighten him, dye him."

You call that an action figure?

He can also do the splits.

-(GROANS) -(LITTLE BILLY SQUEAKS)

You toolbags are missing the point. This is the perfect present for my mom.

She loves to style hair, and Billy's her distant cousin. I mean,

-what could be better? -Uh-huh! I think she'll love that doll.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Hey!

How about, "To a real doll on Mother's Day?"

-What do you think? Too cheesy? -(CHUCKLES)

Do we have to give Little Billy to your mom?

He's so fun! Look, faux hawk.

(GROANS)

Yeah!

(GROANS, SIGHS)

(GROANS) These cheap styling products they give you are a joke!

-No hold at all. -Billy, try not to wreck it

before I give it to my mom.

I need an envelope. BRB.

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

I know how to get your hair to stay in place. (CHUCKLING)

SPENCER: Time for school, Billy.

I think I might just hang out here with Little Billy.

We don't have much time together, buddy, before Spencer takes you away from me.

Let's make every minute count!

Yeah, I think Little Billy will be safer with me. Come on.

Oh.

(BILLY SCREAMS)

Woah! Ah!

(BILLY GRUNTS)

(BILLY GRUNTS)

Huh?

What's this? Spencer Wrong plays with dolls!

-(LAUGHS) -It's an action figure!

-Hey, Mullins! Go long! -(BILLY SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES)

-SPENCER: Ah! -(BILLY SCREAMING)

What's going on?

(SCREAMING)

-Catch! -(GRUNTS)

-(CHUCKLES) -All right, that's it! Give it back!

-(LITTLE BILLY SQUEAKS) -(GROANS)

(BILLY SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

-Hey! That's mine! -Then why is it in my pocket?

-But... nut... -(CHUCKLES)

Huh? Hey! What? Who turned off the lights?

-Look what I've got, Lorenzo! -(LORENZO SQUAWKS)

-(PONZI GRUNTS) -(KEYPAD CLICKS)

(KEYPAD BEEPS)

Good morning, students!

Good morning, Ms. Rumsfeld.

Good morning, you gorgeous hunka man stuff! (SMOOCHES)

Ms. Rumsfeld, please, control yourself!

Hello, Mr. Wright. Enjoying day 16 of detention?

Are you ready to confess?

I swear I didn't steal your hair replacement unit.

No one likes a fibber, Mr. Wright.

Perhaps you'll feel like talking after I send your little friend here

to wrestling class!

Ow! That hurts, Kleet! Oh, my poor friend!

I guess this is what I get for being such a snot-nosed, little jerk!

Ow, ow, ow ow!

-MS. RUMSFELD: Then you add the six... -(GROANS)

-...take away the nine... -(SCREAMS)

...and carry the one,

-that's how Columbus discovered America. -(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(THUD)

Ow.

Ah... okay.

-Dude, what is up with you today? -Something weird is going on, bro.

It's like I don't have control of my own body.

It started on the way to school.

And then it got really nutso in the hallway.

I was flying all over the place!

You were? I didn't see that.

Ah, you were too busy chasing after Little Billy.

Who was flying all over the place!

(CHUCKLES) Maybe whatever happens to Little Billy is happening to you!

Tell me everything you did this morning and don't leave anything out!

Well, first, I woke up and I went to the can.

Okay, leave that out. Everything you did with the doll.

-(GRUNTS) -Action figure.

Nothing. First I was styling his hair.

And then the gel that came with the kit was so lame sauce,

but I used some ectoplasm.

-And then I tried a couple of hairstyle... -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

-What was that about ectoplasm? -Oh, yeah, it held really well.

Billy! You know ectoplasm is like liquid chaos!

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

-(GASPS) -SPENCER: Uh-oh!

What's happening?

Ponzi! He must be doing something with Little Billy!

Get off! Get off me! (GROANS)

-Yeah. -(SCREAMS)

PONZI: I give you credit, Wright. You're a tougher nut than I thought.

But perhaps, this will make you talk. No, not the pottery kiln!

I confess! I stole your hair replacement unit!

I knew it! And now to reward your honesty, into the kiln!

(LAUGHS)

-(DOOR CREAKS) -(LORENZO SQUAWKING)

-Huh? -Woah!

(SQUAWKS)

-Shh! -(PONZI CHUCKLING)

Wait! Hear that? It's coming from behind the wall!

-(PONZI LAUGHING) -Dude, get in there!

-(PONZI LAUGHING) -Cool!

Yo! You gotta see this! It's freak o'clock in here!

Oh, my, Spencer.

I imagine things are getting quite hot for your friend!

Huh?

(SCREAMS)

PONZI: Can you feel the heat? Can you feel the heat of the kiln?

(GASPS, BLOWS)

(LAUGHS)

Ah! Spencer, help!

-(GROANS) -(LORENZO SQUAWKS)

Aha! Okay, okay, what's the code?

-Uh! Ponzi? -(KEYPAD CLICKS, BUZZES)

-No. Rumsfeld? -(KEYPAD CLICKS, BUZZES)

Oh, no. What's his birthday? Oh, I don't know!

(GASPS) Lorenzo!

-(KEYPAD CLICKS, BEEPS) -(SPENCER CHUCKLES)

-(SCREAMS) -(GROANS)

Say goodbye to your little friend! (LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS) The heat!

(GROANS)

Wait, what is that? A 15 watt bulb?

Actually, it's 40.

-See? That is a hot bulb! -Ugh.

What do you think you're doing in my private quarters?

Uh. I'm more interested in what you're doing.

Hey, is this me?

Um. This is all school related and not the least bit weird.

It's the latest advance in administrative techniques.

-All the principals have them. -Am I supposed to believe that?

-You are if you want your doll back. -Action figure!

Fine! Fine, you've got a deal.

-(GASPS) Little Billy! -(LITTLE BILLY SQUEAKS

(GRUNTS)

-SPENCER: See ya! -Out!

Oh, Glen! You handled that so masterfully!

(SMOOCHES) Easy, Ms. Rumsfeld.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Wow, Spencer! This is so cool! (CHUCKLES) I love it!

Who wouldn't love it?

And don't worry, dude, I got all the ecto out.

And it even comes with a mini hair-dryer! (CHUCKLES)

Yay!

-(HAIR DRYER BLOWS) -(BILLY SCREAMING)

Well, I thought I got it all out.

SPENCER: Nightmare on Egg Street, scene eight, take 32. Action.

How do you like your brains? Fried, scrambled or over easy?

Cut! Cut. Come on, Rajeev.

You're supposed to give your victims lobotomies.

You sound like you've had one yourself.

Sorry, it's just hard to concentrate on acting

when your heart has been nuked by the lady of your dreams.

Dude, you need a better excuse than that.

Lolo breaks your heart every day of the week.

Yeah, I know, but this time was different.

I decided to put it all out there, let her know what's in here.

(SLURPS)

(SQUEAKS)

-(SMOOCHES) -(SNAPS)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

She totally harshed my ink!

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

-It's not even real. -My love for her is! (SOBS)

What am I supposed to do here? I got no leading man.

Yeah! And you can't afford me.

It's so obvious.

All we gotta do is get Lolo to dig the Jeevster's chili,

then he's back in action.

Lolo despises Rajeev's chili. It makes her puke.

You're asking to do the impossible.

It's not impossible. Thanks to...

"The Song."

I wrote it for my album, La Vida Cobra.

The melody is so beauticious that whoever hears you sing it

falls madly in love with you.

-Really? -Don't believe me?

Check out what happened when I played London.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I have to mute it, or else, you know...

ALL: Awkward.

BILLY: Check out what happens when I break out "The Song."

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES) Dude! Dude!

-You gotta teach me that song! Now! -(BILLY GROANS)

Okay, chill!

-(THUNDER RUMBLES) -Okay, here's "The Song."

For this to work, it's gotta be note perfect.

Whoa! Brakes! I don't wanna fall in love with Rajeev!

Huh! Good thinking.

Okay, Jeevster, sell it to me!

In Moscow town All I hear is "Ya tebya tibliu"

-It means, you love me -BILLY: Hey, Frank Bronatra,

you're turning my song into a weapon of mass destruction.

Oh.

How can I sing it right,

if I've never heard what it's supposed to sound like?

Let me take a look. (CLEARS THROAT)

I do, I... I do to

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold the phone!

(CLEARS THROAT) I do Tokyo It's all Kimi wo aishiteru

That's right, they love me And when home is near

You know I gotta hear I love you

It means you love me 'Cause when you look Into this boy's eyes

-It drives you all insane -Because you love me!

You know I gotta hear I love you

Keep practicing, Jeevster. You'll get it.

(WHISTLES)

-Hey, Spencer, whatcha doing? -(SPENCER GASPS)

-Uh. Walking to class. -(LAUGHS)

You're so funny! Want me to carry your books? Adrian!

Anything for you, Spencey.

-Huh? -Huh?

Whatcha havin'?

Uh, I'm thinkin' the cheese fries.

Mm, your taste is so sophisticated.

-SPENCER: Huh? -(LOLO GIGGLES)

(KNOCK ON WINDOW)

-Lolo! Lolo! -What does that loser want?

Don't worry, honey bun, I'll get rid of him.

Honey bun? What is she up to?

Honey! She's into beekeeping and wants help with her hive!

She heard me singing "The Song" and she's in love with me!

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO)

In Moscow town All I hear is "Ya tebya libliu"

It means you love me

I've heard better sounding garbage disposals!

You should leave the singing to my honey bun!

He has the voice of an angel!

(SCREAMS)

LOLO: I'm going to the mall to buy a couple of dozen new outfits

-so I can look even prettier just for you. -(TIRES SCREECH)

LOLO: Later, snookums.

It's not what you think.

You sang "The Song" to Lolo and now she's in love with you!

-I guess it is what you think. -You stole my woman!

Well, you can forget about your stupid movie!

-And our friendship. The Jeev is out! -Jeeves, wait!

How long before the song wears off?

-Long time. Maybe never. -What?

I warned you guys not to mess with "The Song."

-It was your idea! -Oh, yeah! Blame the ghost.

He is an easy target.

Oh, I gotta tell Lolo it's not happening with us.

Bad idea, Brony Danza. That's gonna just make her like you more.

(SPENCER SIGHS)

Don't worry, bro, you can fix this.

I've seen your game. Turning off chicks is your specialty.

Funny!

(GIGGLES) What a unique style! I love it. And I love you.

I know, let's see Invasion of the Face-Eating Mutant Androids.

In 3D.

Great! I'm crazy about gory movies. And I'm crazy about you.

(SIGHS)

This is gotta work. She loathes this look.

-LOLO: Oh! -BILLY: Ahem!

Oh, Spencey! I'm totally into your new outfit.

-SPENCER: Uh... -And I'm totally into you!

-(SPENCER GROANS) -(GIGGLES)

-(CHUCKLES) It's not what it looks like. -Dressing like me and jackin' my style!

Actually, then again, it is what it looks like.

I can't believe you're stealing my woman with my game.

-(THUMP) -(SPENCER MUMBLES)

Rajeev, wait! I'm only dressed like you because Lolo finds you repulsive!

(CHUCKLES) I probably could've phrased that better. Uh...

Hey, honey bun.

I've decided you're going to spend your vacation with me on my yacht.

Isn't that awesome?

(SEAGULLS SQUAWK)

What? No. I can't. Uh. My parents won't let me.

-They taped bon voyage messages for you. -(CELLPHONE BEEPS)

-Have a great trip! -Watch out for pirates!

-(CELLPHONE BEEPS) -(SMOOCHES)

(GROANS)

-Hey, Spencer. -Oh. Shh.

Don't blow my cover. Lolo's driving me nuts.

The shopping, the fancy dinners,

-the manicures from Adrian. -SHANILLA: Nice.

Come on! You're living the dream!

As Mr. Lolo Calorie, you'll be half of an A-list power couple.

-("WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING) -(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)

FEMALE VOICE: Daddy, get me a bottle. Daddy!

FEMALE VOICE 2: Daddy!

(GROANS)

I gotta put an end to this now!

No way am I spending two weeks stuck in the middle of the ocean with Lolo.

Maybe you'll get lucky and all that time together

will make her sick of you.

Wait a minute! What if we make Lolo sick of Billy's song!

Yeah! As if anyone could hate one of my songs!

You know how when a song first comes out, and you really like it,

but after it gets played to death you'd rather chew your own ear off

than ever hear it again?

Yeah! Come on, Billy, we gotta hit the studio.

'Cause when you look into this boy's eyes

It drives you all insane

It means you love me

And when home is near

-(GASPS) -You know I gotta hear I love you

(TIRES SCREECH)

-(DINGS) -'Cause when you look into

This boy's eyes it drives you all insane

It means you love me

It means you love me, love me It means you love me, it means you love me

-It means you love me -(SCREAMS)

(STOMACH GURGLING)

Hey, honey bun! Are you all excited about our yacht cruise?

I sure am. I even made a special playlist just for our trip.

-(CELLPHONE BEEPS) -Oh, sugar lips, that is so...

-'Cause when you look into this boy's eyes -Nauseating!

That song! It's everywhere! I hate it!

Almost as much as I hate you! (GRUNTS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

In Venice beach

The girl say, "You're a peach"

You know why? 'Cause they love me, yeah!

In Moscow town, all I hear is "Ya tebya tibliu"

-It means you love me -(LOLO BARFS)

All the Dutch girls say "Ik hou van je" 'Cause they love me!

(GRUNTS, STOMACH GURGLING)

(LOLO SPEWING, COUGHING)

Out of my way, dork pie!

Uh, Jeevster, I'm sorry about the mix-up buddy,

but I made it right. Lolo hates me again. (CHUCKLES)

-Are we cool? -Totally cool, dog!

Did you see what just happened? She threw up on me!

I mean she could've thrown up anywhere, but she did it on me!

If you really wanna snag her, use my Cobra Sweat cologne.

Banned in 36 countries 'cause it makes you so irresistible! (CHUCKLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!