Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost.

And now, your next candidate for class president,

Lolo Calorie, will explain why you should vote for her.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I pledge to help all the losers in the school

-by relocating them... -(PROJECTOR CLICKS)

...to a special loser trailer, where they can be themselves

without fear of being judged. Or totally annoying the cool people.

-Huh? -(SHANILLA GASPS)

Dude, it's worse than the dressing rooms I used to give my backup band!

I wonder what poor suckers are gonna be stuck in that thing!

You guys might wanna get started packin' up your lockers.

-(GROANS) -(HOWLS)

Huh?

I don't think we have that much to worry about.

I mean, who's gonna vote for Lolo, right?

She's the only candidate.

You know, everyone's afraid to run against her.

Remember when she and I wanted the same part in that play?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SHANILLA MUMBLES)

Fine, I'll run against her!

SHANILLA: Do you really think you can win?

I can't just stand by and do nothing.

-(FINGERS SNAP) -(VIDEO RECORDER BEEPS)

SPENCER: This school deserves better.

Besides, think of all the awesome campaign videos we can make. (CHUCKLES)

We'll use the power of film to crush her.

-Woo! -Who's with me?

-SHANILLA: I'm in! -BILLY: The Cobra's in!

-Uh, put me down as undecided. -Hmm.

Dude, the right to vote is a precious gift.

Both candidates deserve my full...

Uh...

attention. (HOWLS)

My fellow citizens, if I can have your attention for a moment,

I'd like to play you a little campaign message.

(RESONATING)

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

-(PROJECTOR CLICKS) -Now, let's face it,

school isn't always fun. In fact, sometimes,

it can be a real nightmare.

-(SNARLING) -(SHANILLA GASPS)

(GROWLS)

-(DOOR BANGING) -(GROWLING)

(SPENCER WHISTLES)

SPENCER: But as your class president,

Spencer Wright will make those nightmares go away.

-(THUDDING) -(SPENCER GRUNTING)

SHANILLA: You'd have to be brain-dead not to vote for Spencer Wright.

(STUDENTS CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(CELL PHONE RINGS) -Huh?

(CELL PHONES RINGING)

-(RINGING CONTINUES) -What's going on?

Hello?

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

By now, my "opponent" Spencer, oh, so predictable, Wright,

has shown you one of his weird, little movies.

But here's the footage Spencer Wright doesn't want you to see.

I'll use my awesome power to crush hearts and minds.

I can't just stand this school.

Hello?

-(CAM RECORDER BEEPING) -This film isn't real!

It's obviously edited!

(CAM RECORDER BEEPS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

-(CELL PHONE BEEPS) -This film isn't edited!

-(STATIC) -It's obviously real.

-Huh? -SHANILLA: Don't worry, Spencer.

If she wants to play dirty, we can play dirty, too.

Nah. We don't need to panic. I can still win this my way.

Yeah, you're right! Good call.

-He's toast. -Dead meat.

I say, we find a way to hit Lolo back.

We won't tell Spencer, so he'll have plausible deniability.

Let's go.

(ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN)

-(GRUNTS) -(VAULT DOOR RATTLING)

-Whoa! -Whoa!

Lolo really knows how to do up

-a campaign headquarters. -(SIGHS)

I'll bet they have free snacks and everything.

FEMALE VOICE: Please speak into the voice scanner

to confirm your identity.

It's me, Lolo. Please open the door.

(ALARM BUZZES)

FEMALE VOICE: Sorry, voice not recognized.

Hmm.

I said open up, you worthless imbecile,

-before I rip your wires out and... -(ALARM HUMS)

(VAULT LOCK CREAKING)

-Thought that might do it. -(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

BILLY: Ugh. The belly of the beast!

-Let's get down to business. -So, what's the plan?

(MARKER SQUEAKING)

-(LAUGHS) -Really? That's the best you can do?

Well, what do you got?

-(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -(BILLY SLURPING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SLURPS)

-(KEYBOARD THUMPS) -(ALARM BLARING)

(VAULT DOOR RATTLES)

(GROANS)

(VAULT DOOR THUDS)

Shanilla, don't leave me here! I don't wanna go to the big house.

Huh?

Oh, right.

My fellow citizens, I'm back with another important campaign message!

(RESONATING)

-Oh! -(THUMPS)

(LIGHT SWITCH FLICKS)

-SPENCER: There's a monster stalking... -(MONSTER GROWLS)

...Beverly Beverly High, Lolo Calorie.

(GROWLING)

-STUDENTS: Oh! -SPENCER: She'll stomp the life

out of us all!

-So, say no to stomping! -Ugh!

-(GROWLING) -Vote Spencer Wright!

-(STUDENTS APPLAUDING) -Wow, thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

FEMALE STUDENT: I never knew Lolo was, like, such a great actress!

Thank you!

(GRUNTS)

Okay, I know my movies haven't exactly sealed the deal yet,

-but when they see this one... Oh, yeah! -Absolutely, Brotus.

-You the man. -(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

-(RADIO BEEPS) -Baby Bear has gone into hibernation.

(SNORES)

(GASPS) Oh.

-(CLEARS THROAT) -(SPENCER SNORES)

Huh? Okay, so what's this brilliant plan of yours?

-I didn't say brilliant, I said... -(SPENCER SNORING)

...genius.

(BED THUMPS)

-(DOORS CREAK) -(BELL DINGS)

-Where'd you put him? -Ah, don't worry, he's good.

Now, we trash his room and blame it on Lolo.

(EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES)

-(GRUNTS) -(THUMPS)

-Billy! -Why aren't you trashin'?

Um, because your plan doesn't make any sense?

-Why's he gonna think Lolo did this? -That's for you to figure out.

I'm just the operations guy. (CHUCKLING) Hey!

-Oh! -(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(PIGEON COOING)

Huh? (SHRIEKS)

Lolo had, like, ten big dudes with her, man.

I tried to stop 'em, but they hit me over the head and then they tied me up.

Tied you up? Well, how'd they see you?

Um, I tried to ask ‘em that,

-but they gagged me. -(SMOKE HISSES)

Dude, why are you asking so many questions?

-Just go with it. -Huh?

No, no, no! My movie! (GROANS)

You worthless sack of ectoplasm!

Would it make you feel better, if I told you I made a copy of it?

Oh, yes! Thank you!

Hey, I didn't. I just wondered, if it would make you feel better.

Oh, that's it. I give up.

(SIGHS)

(HUFFS) There's no way I can win this election.

Hello, loser trailer.

-Hey, Lolo. I... -Oh, look, it's my worthless opponent.

Ready for a trouncing?

Should we even bother going through with the election?

Let's just declare me the winner and you and all your loser friends

can toddle off to your loser trailer.

You know what, Lolo?

If you're what's considered a winner, then I am proud to be a loser!

You treat everybody in school like dirt!

But everybody in school is just as good as you.

There are no losers! Everyone has something to offer

and the only loser is the person who can't see that!

And that person is you!

(CHANTING) Spencer! Spencer! Spencer!

STUDENTS: (CHANTING) Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer!

-(GROANS) -STUDENTS: (CHANTING) Spencer! Spencer!

-Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! -Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer!

-(TRUCK BEEPING) -STUDENTS: (CHANTING) Spencer! Spencer!

Helping...

-(LOLO SCREAMS) -STUDENTS: (CHANTING) Spencer! Spencer!

Spencer... (GASP)

-MALE STUDENT: Are you all right? -FEMALE STUDENT: It was really rude.

-(WHIMPERS) -(FLY BUZZING)

(MALE STUDENT GASPS, GROANS)

-MALE STUDENT 1: That was really rude. -Hey, I had nothing to do with it.

MALE STUDENT 2: He totally shouldn't have done that.

FEMALE STUDENT: That was really rude.

-Uh... -Thanks, Billy!

And the winner and new school president is Lolo Calorie!

-(CLAPPING) -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

I know you all heard Spencer's little speech out there,

and let me tell ya, I heard it, too.

But I made a promise when I started this campaign,

and I'm not the kind of politician who doesn't keep her promises.

-(CROWS CAW) -So, without further ado,

will the following people please report to the loser trailer.

Clem Anderson, Darlene Apatow, Aaron Adleymorst.

Actually, it's quicker to say who's not going.

Me, Kleet, Mallory, Buddy, Doreen, Maureen, and Florine.

-Woo-hoo! -The rest of you, trailer!

This is so unfair!

What am I gonna do all day while you're in that trailer?

(GROANS)

I think you might wanna check your list again.

For names starting with R?

I get it! Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

-(SMOOCHES) -(DOOR SHUTS)

(PLATES RATTLING)

Uh, guys, I may have gotten rid of the losers,

-but there's still a losers' table. -(KLEET GROANS)

-(SHRIEKS) -BILLY: Hey, there.

Ghost of Billy Joe Cobra here. I'm looking for a new daytime friend

-and guess what? You're elected! -Ghost?

(SHRIEKS)

The school is haunted!

(STUDENTS SHRIEKING)

-(GUITAR STRUMS) -(GROANS)

Billy! Nicely done, dude!

Uh, what?

Scaring Lolo so we could all come back to school.

Oh, that! (CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, you know the Cobra,

always thinking about his friends and never himself. (CHUCKLES)

Lolo, the loser trailer is, like, gross!

Get used to it. We're not going back to that haunted school!

(STUDENTS SIGH)

Hey! Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(SCREAMS)

Wow, these rollerblades are pretty sweet.

-(WHEELS WHIRRING) -SPENCER: Hey, Billy!

I just got my next movie idea, Attack of the Rollerblading Zombies.

Ha! Pretty jam, dude, but it's missing some awesome sauce.

Attack of the Headless Rollerblading Zombies!

(SPENCER SCREAMS)

-Look out! -(BILLY GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)

Billy, you just trashed my camera, man!

How am I supposed to make movies now?

Well, maybe you could find a new dream to follow.

-Skydiving, origami... -How about ghost strangling?

Let's keep thinking.

(STUDENTS GASP)

What? If somebody floated one, it wasn't me.

Could've been me.

-LOLO: Hey! -Huh?

That's my seat, Spencer! (FINGER SNAPS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(PONZI CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-Dawg! -(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Students, as those of you

who have met my friend Lorenzo here... -(CAWS)

...may already know, I am a great admirer of our feathered friends.

Sadly, many birds in our area don't have a happy home.

They're forced to sleep outdoors...

-(PROJECTOR CLICKS) -...on a pile of sticks.

That's why we'll be holding a candy drive to help them.

-Is he serious? They're birds -(SOBBING) Those poor little dudes!

(WAILS)

The proceeds of the drive will go toward building luxury condos

for these unfortunate creatures,

providing them with a life...

-(PROJECTOR CLICKS) -...of dignity and comfort.

(PROJECTOR CLICKS)

Woo-hoo! Yeah! Right on!

As an added incentive, whoever sells the most candy

will win a one-hour feeding frenzy from Gadgetropolis,

where you can run around the store...

-(PROJECTOR CLICKS) -...and grab anything you want.

(PROJECTOR CLICKS)

(GASPS)

So, which of you generous, good-looking people would like to...

(GRUNTS)

Hey, I can raise my own hand!

Just makin' sure. Those birdies need us and you need a new camera.

-You broke yours, remember? -Okay, Spencer. Who else?

How about someone who might actually raise some money?

-I'm in. -(STUDENTS GASP)

I don't even want this prize, Spencer.

I'm only doing this, so I can take it away from you.

-Oh, yeah? Let's tango! (GRUNTS) -(GRUNTS)

Oh, I forgot to mention, that whoever sells the least candy,

will be appearing on the reality TV show Losers on Parade.

(STUDENTS GASP)

Last week, they made a guy wear a diaper while a robot spanked him!

And the week before that, this girl had to dance in a cage

while they prank called her grandmother!

Enjoy.

(SPENCER GRUNTING)

Oh, man, we're really gonna have to crank...

(GRUNTS) ...'cause you know how Lolo rolls.

She'll probably open up a whole chain of candy stores.

So? You got the Cobra in your corner. Oh, peanut brittle. Huh?

-(THUDDING) -BILLY: Oops.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(LAUGHS) See you later, loser!

-(LAUGHS) -(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(GROANS)

-(THUDDING) -(BEEPING)

Dude, I can help you move merch.

Don't forget, I've got a wall full of platinum albums,

and you don't get that by just talent alone.

You gotta work it, and I'm just the man to teach you how.

-That's true. -Yep! Mega true!

Now, ready?

Lesson one, we hit 'em with the outdoor advertising.

SPENCER: OVER MEGAPHONE) You care about birds?

-Buy candy from Spencer Wright! -(MEGAPHONE SCREECHES)

(MEGAPHONE SCREECHING)

Ouch! Billy, your plane is a hunk of junk. The sound system doesn't even work.

Well, maybe we should take your plane. Oh, that's right, you don't have one.

Okay, guess Captain Billy's gotta be the soundman too.

Take the controls, co-pilot.

-What? (SHRIEKS) -(AIRPLANE THUDDING)

Ah, my hat!

-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) -(SHRIEKS)

-(WIND GUSHING) -Ah, my shades!

-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) -(SHRIEKS)

-(RIPS) -My pants!

-(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) -(SHRIEKS)

(GROANS)

Billy! Huh? Wha... Huh? Huh? Huh?

-(ALARM BLARING, BEEPING) -(SPENCER GROANING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(AIRPLANE WHIRRING)

You know, you don't have to hold onto me, right?

(SOBS) I don't like heights.

SPENCER: How can you not like heights? You're a ghost.

It's me that's gonna get hurt if we fall.

I don't have time to sell candy, Daddy. I'm busy.

Well, the Prime Minister will just have to wait. This is more important.

-Uh-huh! Sell it! -(PHONE BEEPS)

Adrian, sunscreen!

-(ADRIAN GRUNTS) -And my feet, too!

(ADRIAN GRUNTS)

BILLY: The key to selling is creating buzz.

And the best way to do that is to throw a rager

-for a bunch of A-list celebrities. -Sweet. So, where are they?

-(TRUMPET PLAYS) -Fashionably late and right on time.

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -Oh, yeah!

Guess it's kind of early for the A-listers.

Hey! Don't diss the Jeevster, man. He's my boy. All right! Now it's a party!

-Actually, I can't stay. -Huh?

Yeah. See, Lolo's having this really awesome bash

and she's out of ice. I just came to pick some up.

-Help a buddy out? -Are you kidding me?

No, people are really thirsty!

Must be all those bodies kickin' it on the dance floor. Ha!

-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(BEATBOXING)

Yeah, the Raj is in the house. (BEATBOXING)

Oh, hang on. Let me go get that ice for ya.

Oh, yeah! Thanks, dude!

-(BEATBOXING) -(ICE CLATTERS)

Awesome, thanks! (BEATBOXING)

-You're a good kid. -(TIRES SCREECH)

You believe that guy?

Billy?

-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -Hello? Where'd you go?

-Lolo's party! -(MUSIC PLAYING)

You gotta get over here, man!

It's slammin'! Yeah! Woo! Woo!

-Muy caliente! Super caliente! (LAUGHS) -(PHONE BEEPS)

Sorry, dude, but your party was pretty deadbeat.

I couldn't be seen there.

What happened to having the Cobra in my corner?

Do you want me to get spanked by a robot on national TV?

It would be kind of epic. Anyway, I've got it wired now.

We need publicity, right?

Well, there's one guaranteed way to do that.

-(GLASS SHATTERS) -(ALARM RINGING)

Huh? What... what are you doing?

Lesson three, you want publicity, you get arrested.

-It never failed for the Cobra. -(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

OFFICER: (OVER MEGAPHONE) Freeze! Hands where I can see 'em!

Oh, cool, just like on TV! (CHUCKLES)

See what happens when you break the law? Ah!

You are super-solitary, code-blue, maximum-security grounded!

-But, Mom, it was just for publicity... -(ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES)

Got any other brilliant ideas?

-Lesson four, we put on sombreros and... -SPENCER: Billy! Billy, I'm kidding!

Your ideas are officially banned.

Okay, so I'm grounded. I can work with that.

Yo, Beverly Heights...

the birds are hurting! Don't be a hater, be a bird-lover!

Help 'em out and buy some candy!

I'm no hater! Hit me with some candy!

Don't worry, Spence. I got this.

-(SHRIEKS) -(TRUCK ENGINE REVVING)

-(SHRIEKS) -(REVVING CONTINUES)

-He's, uh, allergic to nuts. -Well, that's it. I'm officially hosed.

Sorry, bro.

You know, the real tragedy here is we let those birds down.

Right, Spence? Huh?

The birds will be fine.

They've been living in nests for quite a while now.

Bird outside my window, sittin' on a tree A tear in his eye

Singin' the blues for me...

-Those poor dudes. -...He's got no home...

-It's so unfair. Wait! -...To shelter his young...

-What am I saying? This is ridiculous. -... No place to lay his weary head

-When the day is done -But I'm still all busted up inside.

What is going on?

It's the power of music, man. My music, to be exact.

-Wait a minute. That's it! -Yeah! (GASPS)

Wait, what are we talking about?

SPENCER: Time to reach out

Time to help the birds With a love so stro...

-Not pretty, huh? -I think I can fix that for you, buddy.

Huh? Hey!

Time to help the birds With a love so strong

Help a bird live, help a bird fly

Woo! Buy Spencer candy And make a bird smile

Spencer's candy can make a bird smile

Help a bird live, help a bird fly

Candy from Spencer can make a bird smile

(SOBBING)

SPENCER: Woo!

PONZI: Good morning, bird-lovers.

Today, I have the pleasure of announcing which student helped the birds the most.

-It's me! Yay! Winning! -SPENCER: No.

-(LOLO GIGGLING) -Losing. I sold mad candy! (SCOFFS)

Did you now? Well, guess what?

I got daddy to buy the whole candy factory.

Which means I sold all the candy!

-(CHANTING) Go, Lolo! Go, Lolo! Go, Lolo! -(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What is it, Daddy? I'm busy gloating.

-(DADDY MUMBLING) -Huh?

-You didn't buy the factory. -(DADDY MUMBLING)

-Why? -(DADDY MUMBLING)

Some song you heard about the stupid birds?

-(DADDY MUMBLING) -You're sending them all to college?

-(DADDY MUMBLING) -You disappoint me, Daddy.

(CHANTING) Go, Spencer! Go, Spencer! Go, Spencer! Go, Spencer!

(THUMPS)

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Losers on Parade! Say hello to Lolo Calorie!

-(MUD SPLASHES) -(MEWLS)

-(MEWLS) Gross! -(PIGS SQUEAL)

(WHIMPERS)

-Yeah. (LAUGHS) -Yeah. (LAUGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!