Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

Okay, check this out, zambronis!

-(GRUNTS) -(REVERBERATION)

-(FAN WHIRS) -Wow! How are you doing that?

Ah, it's his new ghost thing, making stuff move with his mind.

-(GRUNTS) -(REVERBERATION)

(FAN WHIRS)

-(BOTH SCREAM) -(AIR WHISTLES)

SPENCER: Billy!

Midterms are in two days,

and I have about ten days of studying to do!

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

Ay, ay, ya-ay! I am el Principal Ponzi!

Good luck on el midtermos. I hope you do well.

Because if you flunk them, you will be expelled!

Aren't people supposed to be quiet in a library?

Normally, yes. But I read a study saying, music helps you concentrate.

I'm trying to help you prepare for your midterms.

It would be such a shame.

if you flunked them, and had to leave school forever!

-(BOTH LAUGH) -(REVERBERATION)

(LAUGHS, SQUAWKS)

(SQUAWKING)

-Lorenzo! -(LORENZO SQUEAKS)

-(GASPS) -Huh?

Ah, Lorenzo! (THUMPS)

-(PONZI GROANING) -(CHUCKLES)

PONZI: Attention!

-(COUGHS) -I have just received a report

that a swarm of locusts are headed this way!

Please, evacuate.

We'll start with those whose last names begin with a "W"!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Sit down, Wozniak. I don't need a stampede here.

Man, that Ponzi's a real jerk chicken.

Doesn't he know you have midterms to study for?

Of course he knows!

That's why he's doing this. So, I'll flunk, and he can kick me out!

Wow! That's pretty smart!

Yeah? Well, not as smart as this. Observe.

(KEYPAD DIALING)

Yeah, he... Uh, yes. Hello? Superintendent Marshall?

I'm a concerned parent calling about Principal Ponzi.

He's been acting very strangely lately. I think you need to send someone over

to the school to keep an eye on him. Why don't we say, till midterms are over?

You've been expecting this call for years? Figures!

-(REVERBERATION) -(LOCKERS CREAK, CLANK)

Attention! This is an alien invasion drill!

(GROANS)

Everyone outside! We just need to go over a few hundred steps

for alien preparedness. Number one, the thought-screen helmet.

This prevents aliens...

-(CAT MEOWS) -...from penetrating your thoughts

-and manipulating your... Huh? -(TIRES SCREECH)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Walter Minator. To what do I owe the displeasure?

The displeasure's all mine, Ponzi.

The superintendent heard, you went off the deep end.

-So, he sent me here to check it out. -Uh...

Sir, it's not true! Principal Ponzi really cares about his students.

In fact, he was just telling me how to prepare for an alien invasion.

Alien invasion, huh? I've heard enough.

Ponzi, you're on leave, effective immediately!

Don't be ridiculous. Who's gonna run this place?

The superintendent has empowered me to name your replacement, and I have. Me.

-(GASPS) -(GLASSES SHATTER)

Greetings, students. My name is Mr. Minator.

And I'll be your new principal. It is my intention

-to restore order here and... -(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(GIRL MUMBLING)

Oh, not much. Just listening to some boring guy.

(CLEARS THROAT) Cell phone use is hereby banned!

(CELL PHONE CRUNCHES)

Uh, excuse me. My parents are, like, super-rich. So, I can do whatever I want.

Well, I'm super-rich, too. My great-grandfather invented the receipt!

So, I can do whatever I want.

Sure, I could've bought my own country, and crowned myself emperor.

But instead, I chose the path of discipline.

Why? One man.

Legendary school administrator, Lemuel P. Gompers!

An inspiring man who once said,

"Strict discipline is the only way to do things." Dismissed!

(FOOTSTEPS PATTER)

I don't know about this guy.

Ah, you worry too much. He's probably all talk.

-(GRUNTS, GROWLS) -(LAUGHS)

-Huh? -(MUSIC PLAYING)

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

-Dismissed! -(STUDENTS SCREAM)

(REVERBERATION)

(GRUNTS) Um, hey, Spence. But... but I just wanna...

Look, I don't wanna be a tool bag, but midterms are tomorrow.

...warn you that Kleet is coming. (SCREAMS)

-(THUMPS) -(SPENCER GROANS)

-That's for getting Ponzi fired. -I'm late for a, uh, conference call. Bye!

That new guy is a bully!

You know what it's like to deal with a guy like that?

Yeah. I think I may have some idea.

-(GRUNTS) -(GROANS)

Hey, Professor! Check it out!

It's an entry about me in the encyclopedia!

Your real name is Baruch Cohen?

It's Baruch! I mean, where did they get that from? (CHUCKLES)

-Hey! Would you please leave me alone? -Who were you speaking to?

-It's kinda hard to explain. -Because it was a ghost?

-Huh? -I happen to be

something of a ghost hunting enthusiast! We're gonna get rid of this pest!

As Lemuel P. Gompers used to say, "Ghosts are bad because they're scary!"

That's nice of you, but I really have to study for my midterms.

Which you'll do far more effectively in a ghost-free environment. Come on!

-(SNIFFS) -Hey!

-What reeks? -That'll be the cheese poncho.

Minator's bright idea. It's supposed to scare away ghosts.

Not this ghost!

(HUMS, CHOMPS) Mm!

-Mm-hmm. -You know, you scare me sometimes.

Of course he does. He's a ghost. But I'll take care of him!

Ghost locator spray! I got it on the Internet.

Ghost locator spray? You got scammed, pal.

-Or maybe you didn't. -Ghost net! Came with the spray.

Hold this, while I tie him up with some phantom rope!

That was extra, but I'm glad I went for it.

-He's getting away! -Huh?

-I said, "he's getting away." -(GASPS) Oh, right.

(GRUNTS) What...

-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) -Don't worry. This ghost is toast!

(SIGHS)

Hey, stow the books, bronard. The Wi-Fri is a no-study zone.

Yeah, but it's the only place I can get away from that lunatic, Minator.

Ah. You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Ponzi.

-Welcome to the Wi-Fri. -(YELPS)

My name is Glen. What can I get you?

Yes, hello, Glen! I'd like the melon-mango-mucho-mojo, please.

-Mr. Ponzi! What are you doing here? -What do you think, birdseed's free?

-I got bills to pay. -(LORENZO SQUAWKS)

-How's Minator doing? -That guy's a nightmare!

Yeah! Everybody hates him even more than... (YELPS) Hey!

Yeah, he's, uh, he's not well-liked.

Doesn't surprise me. Always quoting that Gompers fool.

I swear, if Gompers had told him, he was a chicken,

he'd probably lay an egg.

Mr. Ponzi, I'll make you a deal. If I get you your old job back,

will you promise not to give me a hard time anymore?

-When have I ever given you a hard time? -(SCOFFS)

Fine, fine! You've got a deal.

Yeah, anyways, chop-chop on that smoothie, Glen.

Man, the service here really has gone downhill.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Ah! Spencer! Just the man I was looking for!

I think I know how we can catch that ghost.

Okay, but in the meantime, I wanted to give you this spirit hat.

It will protect you from the ghost.

I figure he's pretty ticked off at you for trying to catch him.

Good thinking. Everyone needs a spirit hat.

As Lemuel P. Gompers always said, "It..." Huh?

-(BILLY HOWLING) -(YELPS)

-Good day, Walter. -(QUIVERS)

Lemuel P. Gompers! Is it really you? I'm humbled to be in your presence.

Yeah, you should be. I'm pretty great.

This is the ghost that's been haunting you?

This is the greatest moment in my life!

Please tell me, Sir, what are you doing here?

(CHUCKLES) Good question. What am I doing here?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) You remember what you told me earlier?

That the only way your soul could find peace

was to continue your work as a school administrator?

Oh, right! The only way my soul could find peace

was to do that thing that you just said. Yeah.

This is a dream come true. We can work together!

Oh, how these halls will echo with the sounds of discipline!

No! I've got things covered here. I'm sending you to Antarctica.

-The schools there are out of control. -Are there high schools there?

Uh, I need you to go and find out! Yeah! And I need you to get Ponzi back here.

He has much to learn from me.

(STOMPS) Yes, Sir. I'll speak to the superintendent.

Good! (CHUCKLES) Then we're done here. Lemuel T. Gompers out!

"T"? I thought it was "P," for Pittsnoggle.

(BOTH GASP)

Are you sassing me?

-No, Sir. -Good.

Hey, wanna see me move stuff with my mind?

-(GRUNTS) -(REVERBERATION)

You won't be needing this in Antarctica.

Okay! Thank you, Mr. Gompers. (CHUCKLES) He needs his rest.

We don't wanna overdo it.

(SIGHS) Sweet, sweet study time.

Huh. Never thought I'd say that.

-Mr. Wright! -(YELPS)

Just the man I was looking for.

According to my records, you haven't completed

the mandatory woodshop safety seminar. Let's go.

But you promised to leave me alone!

True, but I was under duress at the time. As such, the promise is not binding.

-(SQUAWKS) -(YELPS)

-(REVERBERATION) -(PONZI YELPS)

What in the world? (SCREAMS)

(CHUCKLES) Looks like I finally got the kinks worked out.

Hey, Spence! Check out your old man's new kicks!

-(GASPS) -HUGH: Genuine fake crocodile skin!

Uh, nice, Dad. Didn't mom say, you're not allowed to buy clothes

-when she's out of town? -Hey, your pop is his own man!

Though maybe we should make this our little secret?

(BOTTLES CLINK)

-(SOBS) My babies! -They seem a little snug. (GROANS)

Hmm. Guess they need a little breaking in. And I know just the thing!

One, two, look at my shoe Three, four, stamp on the floor!

Dude, I know you like boots, but this is strange.

You don't understand, Brometheus. They remind me of Wendy.

-Ew! You dated some weird looking girls. -Wendy was my miniature crocodile.

She was the most bestest pet I ever had.

But once I became, you know, ghost-ified, the zoo took her away.

Oh, Wendy. Papa never meant to let you go.

He misses you so much. (CRIES) Wendy!

Turn off the waterworks, Billy. We're gonna get Wendy back.

-Really? Can we do that? -I... I don't like to see a buddy in pain.

All right! A zoo breakout!

We're gonna need some camouflage jumpsuits,

night-vision goggles, snacks, in case we get hungry.

-That's not exactly what I had in mind. -(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

-Can we have the snacks anyway? -Hmm.

And I know it would've meant a lot to Billy

for Wendy to come home, where she belongs.

(ZOO MANAGER MUMBLING)

Yeah, I have a degree in miniature crocodile studies,

-so... -(ZOO MANAGER MUMBLING)

Oh, sure. Yeah, I know how to take care of her. Mm-hmm.

-So, you'll drop Wendy off this afternoon? -Ah!

-Oh! -That's great!

-(KEYPAD DIALING) -(SCATTING)

Hi, honey! How's the girls' weekend going?

Great! Jessica has such a way with animals.

-(GROWLS) -(GRUNTS)

So, guess what? Spencer's got a girlfriend!

-(JANE LAUGHS) -She's coming over today!

-(JANE SQUEALS) -Now, what can I do to make it special?

Leave them alone?

I know! A barbecue! No, a barbe-Hugh! Gotta run, honey! Bye!

-(CELL PHONE BEEPS) -Oh.

-(THUMPS) -(BEAR GROWLS)

Anybody else want some?

-(MOOSE BELLOWS) -(BIRD CHIRPS)

-(VAN ENGINE REVS) -(TIRES SCREECH)

-BILLY: My girl! -(WENDY PURRS)

I thought you said, she was a mini-crocodile.

Was when I had her.

You sure she wasn't just a baby crocodile?

-Ah, mini, baby, what's the diff? -(WENDY GRUNTS)

-Point is she's seriously cute. -(WENDY GROWLS)

Huh! Guess she's kind of shy.

-(BILLY BABBLES) -(WENDY GROWLS)

What are we gonna do with this thing? She's a beast! (SIGHS)

Hey! I know exactly what we're gonna do with her.

We're gonna make some awesome monster movies!

Hold up there, M. Bro Shyamalan. My baby's a princess, not a movie prop.

Oh, come on! You owe me! I'm the one who got her here!

Stay away from my princess!

-Spence? You down here? -Oh, no. My dad's gonna freak.

Hey! Thought I'd come and say hi to Wendy.

Huh? You know about her?

Couldn't help overhearing you on the phone, player. (CHUCKLES)

So, you're okay with having her in the house?

Okay? I'm delighted! And so is your mother.

I thought I'd do a little barbecue to welcome her.

-(WENDY GROWLS) -Does she like steak?

-She'll eat six or seven. -Sure. Put her down for seven.

Seven steaks? Oh, okay. Nothing wrong with a girl...

-(WENDY GROWLING) -...with a big appetite!

-(THUDDING) -(GROWLING)

Don't worry, Wendy. Lunch will be ready soon!

Gotta hand it to the Hugh-ster.

He's pretty chill about having a croc in the casa.

Truth. Good thing she's in the crate, though,

'cause I think all that meat on his apron was making her go nuts.

-(WENDY GROWLS) -(CRATE CLANGS)

(YELPS)

I'm barbecuing tonight Everything will be all right

I'm basting my meat And that will be really neat

-Hey, where's Wendy? -That's what I'm wondering, too.

(WENDY GROWLS)

-Dad! Run! (GRUNTS) It's Wendy! -(WATER SPLASHES)

Oh! Your old man's not that embarrassing,

-is he? -(SPENCER SCREAMS)

-(GROWLS) -(GRUNTS)

Hey! Be gentle with my princess!

-(THUMPS) -She'll devour him! (YELPS)

-We're all gonna devour 'em. -(WENDY GROWLS)

But they need at least five minutes a side.

-(PATTERING) -(GROWLS)

-Rain, huh? Guess we'll eat indoors. -(GROWLS)

(GRUNTS)

-Bad girl, Wendy. No teething. -(WATER SPLASHES)

Think I'll sneak a little nappy-nap while these babies cool.

(SNORES)

-(WATER SPLASHES) -(WENDY GROWLS)

So, right about now I'm thinkin'

that having a two-ton crocodile around the house isn't the greatest idea.

-Seriously? Why? -(WENDY GROWLS)

-(SNORES) -(WENDY GROWLS)

Come on. Come on. There you go, Wendy, there you go.

(GROWLS)

Steak time!

(WENDY PANTS, WHINES)

(GROWLS)

-(THUMPS) -(DOOR CLANGS)

(DRILL WHIRS)

-(HAMMERING) -(CHAINS RATTLE)

-(GRUNTS) -(LOCK CLICKS)

-Listen, bromigo. -(WENDY GROWLING)

You don't have to send her back.

I've spoken to her about eating the Hugh-man,

-and she totally gets that it's not cool. -(WENDY GROWLING)

Look, I know you love Wendy,

but I can't risk having my dad turned into lunch meat.

She has to go back. Okay?

Okay.

-(CLATTERING) -Good. I'm gonna go call the zoo.

I'll stay here. I just wanna say my goodbyes. (SOBS)

-(WENDY GROWLS) -Don't worry, babycakes.

I'm not gonna let the bad men come and take you away.

I lost you once, and I'm not gonna lose you again.

(CHAINS RATTLE)

-(WENDY GROWLS) -(YELPS)

-(ELEVATOR WHIRRING, DINGS) -The zoo van will be here soon.

-(SCREAMS) -I know you're mad,

but once you get to know her better, you'll totally be on my side about this.

-Where is she? -Don't worry. She's completely safe.

SPENCER: I'm not worried about her, drill bit!

I'm worried about my dad! Show me where she is!

I would, but you didn't use the magic word.

Please show me where she is, you annoying nut job!

That's better. This way.

-(SPENCER GROANS) -The Freaky Tiki room

was always her favorite place in the house.

We used to play in the waterfall, and I'd let her nibble on my... toes.

Someone took Wendy! Croc-nappers!

(WENDY GROWLS)

Hmm. T-bone. Not now, honey. I'm having the greatest meat dream.

Oh?

-(GROWLS) -(SCREAMS)

-Dad! -My girl!

-(WENDY GROWLS) -(BILLY COOS)

Here, Spencer! There's a monster on the loose! Save yourself!

-And get Wendy out of here! -I'm trying!

(GROWLS)

Huh! The kid's a natural high-jumper. Almost as good as I was.

-(WENDY GROWLS) -I got it!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS)

Wendy loves the Cobra tunes. This'll make her gentle as a lamb.

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS)

(SCRATCHES)

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS)

(WENDY WHINES)

(BILLY GROANS)

-(WENDY GRUNTS) -(OBJECTS CLATTER)

-(CRATE CLANGS) -(ELEVATOR WHIRS, DINGS)

-Guess her musical tastes have changed. -Not funny, bro.

-(WENDY WHIMPERS) -I'm sorry, man. But she's gotta go back.

Hey, I got no problem with that. Me and Wendy are history.

(GASPS)

(CRIES)

I'll come see you every day.

-(VAN HORN HONKS) -(TIRES SCREECH)

-(WENDY WHIMPERS) -(VAN DOOR SHUTS)

(VAN ENGINE REVS)

(CRIES)

-Wendy leaving so soon? -Uh, didn't work out.

-Sorry, Son. Chin up. There'll be others. -I don't think so, Dad.

Sure there will. Good lookin', high jumpin' kid like you?

Bye, Wendy! Sorry about lunch! And the crazy crocodile attack!

(SOBS)

Maybe it's as well. Between you and me, she seemed a little temperamental.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!