Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

BILLY: Dude that's my ghost!

-(JESSICA GRUNTING) -(JANE LAUGHING)

-Good, Jessica! -(JESSICA GRUNTS)

-Harder! -(JESSICA GRUNTS)

-JANE: Harder! -(SNARLS)

(JESSICA GRUNTS)

(JANE GRUNTING)

(THUDDING)

-(JANE GRUNTS) -(THUDDING)

-(SIGHS) -Huh. Looks like she's ready

for the Cage Fighters of Tomorrow competition.

And I am ready for a weekend of guy fun with no adults around!

No one to tell me what to eat, when to go to bed.

No one to say, "Keep it down, Billy."

Uh. No one ever tells you any of that kind of stuff.

They don't?

-Well, who am I thinking of? -That would be me.

-Oh, yeah. -HUGH: Oh, dang!

That's terrible. Well, keep us posted.

Hold everything, guys. Mrs. Merganser's flight is delayed.

But Daddy, if we don't leave now we'll miss the stare down

and intimidation session. Just get another sitter.

Mrs. Merganser is the only sitter I trust.

(GRUNTS)

Mom, you said I could stay home alone this weekend.

Spencer, you know how your father feels about Mrs. Meat Grinder.

Merganser! She took care of me when I was a boy,

then you took over.

-What's the problem with her, buddy? -(GASPS, GULPS)

(LULLABY MUSIC PLAYING)

No!

Dude, are you gonna take this,

or are you gonna fight for our right to party?

Hey, I know!

Mom! Dad! Let's make this weekend a test.

You let me stay home alone and if I mess up,

it's back to the sitter, no questions.

-HUGH: Hmm! -JANE: Hmm.

Please!

There you go. Who needs dignity?

SPENCER: I'm begging you, pretty, pretty, pretty,

pretty please?

We'll give it a try.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

-(BOOM) -(GLASS SHATTERS)

-(GRUNTS) -(SIZZLING)

(SQUEAKING)

...and whatever you do, you're not to touch my babies.

-SPENCER: Hmm? -My... my tools!

-(CAR HORN BEEPING) -Do not touch them.

They don't know you. Understood?

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(ENGINE REVVING)

Party lemurs on, boys! Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-Dude, what are you doing? -(SLOSHING)

You heard my dad, I'm not allowed to use these tools.

You're not, but he didn't say anything about me!

I can't make my famous Cobra Concrete Smoothies

in the washing machine, can I?

-(COCKS ARM, PEW)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Whoa! Stop, drop and roll.

-The party's off. -(MUSIC STOPS)

Duder, I can't believe you're poopin' on our party.

I don't have a choice. I gotta take care of this place,

or it's diaper service from Mrs. Meat Grinder till I'm 50.

You don't have to take care of anything 'cause, as usual,

the Cobra's got you covered. I ever tell you about Tidy Ted?

Back in my hotel-trashing days, I'd just call up this cleaner dude,

and he'd put things right in record time.

-Still got the number. -You know how sometimes you tell me stuff

and it turns out that it isn't exactly, uh, you know, true?

It's the real deal! I got a lifetime contract.

Come on, brosciutto. Or are you not the kind of crazy idiot

who's always wanted to turn his living room

into an indoor bobsled course?

I am that crazy idiot. Let's do this! (CHUCKLES) Yeah!

MADAME X: The parents are away, Hoover! Tap the phones! Deploy all assets!

Now is your chance to finally capture Billy Joe Cobra!

Seize the moment!

-Pardon? -I said seize the moment!

Why would I put cheese on a donut when the time has arrived

for me to seize the moment!

MADAME X: Put on your headphones, you...

Hold that thought, your X-ness. I'm going to put on my headphones.

-(BEEPING) -(SIGHS) There. Now, what did you say?

-(YELLS) I said, capture Billy Joe Cobra! -(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

-(SCREAMS, GRUNTS) -(SIZZLING)

SPENCER: I dunno, bro. I don't see me getting up much speed.

(CLANKING)

That's 'cause she ain't done yet.

(BOTH SHRIEKING)

-(SPENCER SCREAMING) -(BILLY GROANING)

(SPLASHES)

SPENCER: Hey, what's wrong with the pool?

I filled it with jelly.

SPENCER: Billy! We can't use the lounge as a pool!

BILLY: 'Cause it doesn't have a diving board! (LAUGHS)

Woo-hoo!

Yee-haw!

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

(IMITATES FEMALE VOICE) Wright residence. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Oh, hi, Mom. How's the competition?

Disqualified for fighting?

I... I don't understand. It's a fighting competition.

Isn't she supposed to fight?

No, not with a judge.

Okay. I'll see you soon. Buh-bye. (CLEARS THROAT) They're coming home early.

They're coming home early!

Now might be a good time to call Tidy Ted.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-(PHONE KEYS TAPPING) -(DIAL TONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING) -Hello?

-Is this Tidy Ted? -(SHOUTS) What?

(SQUEAKING)

Hello? Is anyone there?

Hello? Is this Tidy Ted?

The guy who cleans up after pop stars?

I'll be right over. (CHUCKLES WICKEDLY)

-He said he'll be right over. -(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Told you, the guy's good!

-Come in! The doors unlocked. -(DOOR BELL CONTINUES RINGING)

-I said, it's unlocked. -(DOOR BELL CONTINUES RINGING)

(SHOUTS) The door's unlocked!

Hmm. It appears to be unlocked.

Uh-oh.

-(GRUNTS) -(CLATTERING)

(YELLS) We buried Tidy Ted! Quick! Dig him out!

Whoa!

I never realized how much Tidy Ted looks like Sam Hoover.

It is Sam Hoover!

Nah, I don't think so. Hoover doesn't have a mustache.

Come to think of it, neither did Tidy Ted.

Look, genius. Ghost Containment Unit!

He must've intercepted the phone call. Dude, he was this close to nabbing you!

Another enemy of the Cobra buried beneath a pile of garbage.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -(RECORD SCRATCHES)

We better get the real Tidy Ted over here and quick!

(PHONE BEEPING)

Hello, Tidy Ted? I'm at Billy Joe Cobra's place.

Yeah, we got a big job, we need cleaned up really fast. Huh?

But what about the lifetime contract?

Oh, right. Yeah, good point.

Ted says the contract is no good anymore. Any guesses why?

Because it's a "lifetime" contract.

Where you going with this, broton?

Ah! Never mind! What are we gonna do?

Mom and Dad are on their way home and, and my life will be over,

and... and... and it's all your fault!

-Hey, it's not all my fault! -You trashed my house!

No, I trashed my house.

-I'll trash you! -(DEVICE WHIRRING)

(BILLY CHOKES, CRIES)

-(BEEPS) -Not cool, broseph!

Let's see how you like it!

(CLICKS)

Which part of "Ghost" Containment Unit don't you understand?

-(DEVICE WHIRRING) -(SPENCER GASPS)

(SPENCER SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(SCREAMS) How'd you do that?

I dunno. I just fiddled with the little troublemaker.

It's a pretty wicked gizmo.

(DEVICE WHIRRING)

(ZAPPING)

Whoa! Bro-aster oven, this doo-hickey is way better than Tidy Ted.

We're saved!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(DEVICE ZAPPING DISTANTLY)

-Yeah! We did it! -Whoo!

What about the Hoover monkey?

(GROANS)

We can't let Mom and Dad see him.

(CLUNKS, RATTLES)

-Huh? Hmm. -(HORN HONKING)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) So, where's Jessica?

Oh, she's on her way.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

So, how'd everything go?

Well, fine. (CHUCKLES) Same old.

Spencer, is there something you want to tell me?

-(SPENCER SHUDDERS) -This cable

has been coiled by a left-hander. Out with it.

Um. Well, while you were gone, I kind of patched

some potholes in the street. Look, I... I know I shouldn't have,

but I was worried somebody would get a flat.

That's okay, son!

When I was your age, sometimes I went a little wild, too.

-You're a chip off the old block! -Thanks, Dad.

Spencer, why is the swimming pool filled with jelly?

Uh-oh.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(BUZZING)

(GRUNTS, GROWLS)

HOOVER: Madame X will be most displeased. (GROANS)

SPENCER: Bungee-jump weight-lifting?

Oh! Let's take that one! Sign it.

-(STRAINS) -Wait,

there's also skateboard-pilates and zero-gravity dodge ball. Awesome!

(POPPING, CRUNCHING)

They all sound so awesome-saucin'.

I know. At my old school the Phys Ed requirement

was a major bummer. But here it's totally the bomb.

I'm gonna sign us up for...

Ponz-aerobics! Welcome aboard, Mr. Wright.

-Ponza-what? -Ponz-aerobics.

My personally designed workout regimen based on real scientific principles.

You see that? You can have buns of steel in no time.

-Yeah! Sorry. I'm signing up for... -PONZI: For what, Mr. Wright?

I don't see any sign-up sheets. Guess everything else is full.

See you in class. Bring plenty of fluid.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)

One and two, and one and two.

One, two, one, two...

Forget this. I'm done.

Think again, Mr. Wright. I get extra money for teaching Phys Ed,

and you're my only student.

Besides, all the other classes are full, remember?

-(BOY WHIMPERING) -Make way! Injured wrestler!

-Injured wrestler? Woo-hoo! -(WHEELS SCREECHING)

Excuse me?

Oh, sorry.

-So, there's an opening on the team, huh? -COACH: Well, you can try out.

I'm in! Yeah, good luck with your buns, Mr. P. (LAUGHS)

-(GRUNTS) -Hey, brofessor,

could we get back to the workout please?

-(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) -That's cool. I got the moves down.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome to beginners wrestling... (GASPS)

SPENCER: Get ready Beverly Beverly Heights!

You've got an appointment with The Bone Doctor!

Way to sell it, bro!

Wright, what's with all the get-up and all the brouhaha?

It's my wrestling character. Why?

Don't tell me you already have a voodoo guy.

Ah! I knew I should've gone with the warlord!

This is real wrestling. Not that phony-baloney you see on TV.

If you wanna try out,

you'd better loose the Halloween costume, pronto.

-Get me? -(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Hit the showers, coach. I'll be reffing Spencer's tryout today.

Wanna make sure he gets a fair shake.

Knock yourself out, Ponzi.

Hey, Spencer. Diggin' the Goth attire!

Hey, dudes. What's up with the sellout crowd?

Since when are tryouts such a big draw?

Well, Ponzi canceled the other activities and made us all

come to the gym to see you get your head stomped in.

-At least, I think those were his words. -Mash Spencer's face in!

Oh, that's what it was. "Get your face mashed in."

-Wow! Pretty good turnout, bud. -Billy, we got a problem.

Ponzi's gonna make sure I lose.

I think he's trying to get me back into his butt class.

Well, maybe we should.

Look at what just one class did for my bun area.

(STRAINS)

No worries, dude. I got you covered. Ponzi did not anticipate...

(GRUNTS)

...the Cobra!

If you get in trouble out there,

I'll step in and take care of business, ghost-style.

Yeah, I have no idea what that means, but I like the sound of it.

The Bone Doctor is ready to operate! Bring on the patient!

All right, Doctor.

-You're wrestling Paula. (CHUCKLES) -(PHONE KEYS BEEPING)

Seriously? Oh, I'll wipe the mat with her.

-(PHONE KEYS TAPPING) -(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Prepare to fight the Bone Doctor. (SCREAMS) Uh?

Uh. If you lay a finger on me, my legal team will sue you so hard

your whole family will be living in a cardboard box, which I will own.

-You're bluffing! (CHUCKLES) -Ask them.

Huh?

-I don't see a legal team. (GRUNTS) -(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

-(SCREECHING) -(WHISTLE BLOWING)

-Huh? -Spencer loses!

He stepped over the line. Back to Ponz-aerobics for you!

This is ridiculous! Gimme another chance.

-"Gimme another chance!" -Yeah! Give him another chance!

-One more chance! One more chance! -ALL: One more chance!

One more chance! One more chance! One more chance!

Hmm. That last bout was lacking a bit in the face-mashing department.

Very well. Spencer gets another chance!

-(ALL CHEERING) -RAJEEV: All right!

-Billy! Billy! -BILLY: Right here, brocheese.

-SPENCER: Billy? -Call me Bev the Bull.

-Dude, what are you doing? -I figured,

why does S. Wright get to have all the performing fun when performing

is what the Cobra is all about? So voila, Bev the Bull.

(MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

(MOOING)

(AUDIENCE CHEER)

(MOOING)

You're supposed to be watching my back

and "takin' care of business, ghost-style," remember?

Ay, papi. No problem. I'm on top of it, dude.

(PONZI CLEARS THROAT)

Mr. Wright, your next opponent!

The Doctor is in!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) -(SPENCER GROWLS)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Better run while you still got your legs!

Uh-oh, Billy!

Bev the Bull says, "Shake well before using!"

-(SPENCER GRUNTING) -(BUDDY GRUNTING)

The Doctor is out.

And the winner is Buddy! Ponz-aerobics, anyone?

(BUDDY GROANS)

You gotta be kidding! He totally cheated too!

I don't see cheating. I see crafty wrestlers using their creativity.

And as an educator, I applaud that.

-(SHANILLA BOOING) -ALL: One more chance!

One more chance! One more chance!

-(CHANTING CONTINUES) -Hmm. I guess

a little more face-mashing can't hurt.

(MOOING)

What's with you? You look like you got hit with a sack of batteries.

No thanks to you! You were supposed to have my back!

Oh, right, yeah, I was. Hey, listen, bro, I'm here for you. Soon as I get back

-from the locker room. (LAUGHS) -What?

I gotta mentally prepare for my next act. It's a performer thing.

After that, I'm your man!

Mr. Wright, I have your next opponent. iStevie.

-iStevie. -(BEATBOXES)

Yeah!

Prepare for surgery! With no anesthetic!

(ROBOT WHIRRING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) Seriously? Come on.

I'll allow it.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(SCREAMS, GROANS) Bev the Bull!

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)

When Glen Ponzi promises face-mashing, he delivers!

Mash his face!

SPENCER: (SCREAMS) No!

Someone's stealing the Cobra's thunder. I gotta get out there.

PONZI: Huh?

BILLY: Bev is back!

(SPENCER GRUNTING)

(ALL GASP)

Move it, cow pie! I can't see the beating!

-(GRUNTS) -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SPENCER GRUNTING)

Bro-mein noodle!

I totally blew it, didn't I?

I promised I'd have your back and instead all I did was...

Dude, less talk! More helping!

-(SPENCER GASPS) -(BILLY GASPS)

ALL: Whoa!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(REMOTE BEEPING)

(ISTEVE GRUNTS)

-(REMOTE BEEPS) -No. You let go.

(BILLY SCREAMING)

(BOTH STRAINING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

(BEEPING)

(ROBOT BEEPING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

BILLY: No! Don't hurt my beautiful Ponz-aerobicized butt!

Stop that robot before it destroys my gym

or at least make it destroy Spencer instead!

So, what are we supposed to do?

-Wait until it runs out of batteries? -(BEATBOXES)

-Destroys its target? -(BILLY GRUNTING)

No!

Brobot, why you got to be hating on the bull?

(LAUGHS) Wait a second.

He hates the bull, but he doesn't even know about the Cobra.

Wright! (MUFFLED YELLS)

(PONZI SCREAMING)

(PONZI SCREAMING)

-(BEATBOXES) -SPENCER: Not yet.

You've got some unfinished business with the Bone Doctor!

One, two, three!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Yeah! Later, Ponz-aerobics!

Woo-hoo!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good on you, dude. You made the team!

Yeah, but wrestling was called off 'cause there's no gym left.

Which means it's back to Ponz-aerobics for me.

Not so fast, bro-yo! Your ghosty with the mosty just found out

there's an opening on the fencing team.

Yeah! And I signed you up.

Fencing? Or do you mean...

Extreme Ninja Sword Combat!

That's exactly what I mean!

SPENCER: Hi-ya!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!