Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

And Billy Joe Cobra.

He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

You have dishonored my family.

And you have dishonored my family, and my dog.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Wow! Serious reflexes, man.

When you are a sensei master, every muscle’s got the twitch of a cat.

-You? A sensei master? -That’s right, young brohoppers.

I was the first pop star to earn the 47th-degree suede belt.

-Yeah. -Wow!

-Wait a minute. A suede belt? -That is correct.

(FLY BUZZING)

(BOTH GASP)

-Show us some moves! Show us some moves! -Show us some moves! Show us some moves!

Alas, I cannot. My kung fu is too powerful, man.

Registered weapons in 89 states.

-Please? -Please?

Fine. I’ll show you.

But this is a serious breach of kung fu brotocol.

You can’t tell anyone.

And if the room spontaneously combusts, BJC apologizes in advance.

(GRUNTS)

Huh?

What the what?

Any poor chump on the receiving end of the finger,

will be drinking out of a straw for the rest of his life. Observe.

(BOTH GASP)

BOTH: Whoa!

This is radtastic! I’ve always wanted to do a kung fu movie,

and with you as my fight coordinator, I can make it the baddest one ever! Ha!

Okay, let’s shoot. Rajeev, you play the drifter hero.

The only hope for mankind is for you to defeat the dreaded zombie lord.

-Ready, Sensei Cobra? -Yeah.

Rolling, and action!

You have insulted my family!

I will take my vengeance by eating your brains!

(SHOUTS)

Cut!

You know, I don’t recall putting "acting like a wuss" in the script.

(CHUCKLES) It’s called improvising.

-Rajeev, this isn’t working. -(MEOWING)

Which is why I’m promoting you to cameraman.

Yes!

Yeah!

Now, who am I gonna get to replace him?

(LAUGHS) Look at the loser making one of his loser movies.

Now there’s a guy born to play a zombie! He’s already brain-dead.

Perfect! And you can play the Jeevster’s part.

As my relative, you already got my leading man looks.

Aw, forget it. I can’t fight Kleet. He’ll turn my face into tapioca.

Not with Sensei Cobra at the controls.

Yeah! That is a great idea, buddy!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUNCHING)

SPENCER: What poise! What bone structure!

You know what? I never noticed it before, but this kid’s got the "it" factor.

-Kleet, baby, I can make you a star! -Too late, loser. I’m already a star.

MALE VOICE ON TV: Disgusting pit stains got you down?

-Yuck! Stains! -MALE VOICE: Here's the solution.

It only took 100 takes. The director said I was a natural.

That is so obvious, big guy.

Look, loser, if you don’t leave me and my burger alone,

I’m gonna use your face as my personal punching bag.

Wow! When did you read my script?

-Huh? -Yeah. Your character says that

right before he beats my character to a pulp.

-Okay, Kleet, for this scene, you... -(BEEPING)

Stay with me, big guy.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS) This isn’t gonna be easy. All right. Let’s just try one, okay?

-Are we rolling? -Yeah! I got some mad cameraman skills.

And... action!

Zombie Lord, your days of terrorizing the town are over.

Prepare to be vanquished!

(GASPS) Yuck! Stains!

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

-Cut! -Wha...

Hey, creep!

Adrian!

(RAJEEV SCREAMS)

Hello, Lolo.

-(THUDS) -(GRUNTS)

-Ouch! -(SIGHS)

Oh. Am I being promoted again?

Uh, yeah. To makeup artist. Kleet needs a touch-up.

Go to work.

(GROANS)

-Kleet is a disaster. -That’s on you, pepperbroni.

A good director can work with anyone.

Reminds me of the time I did that movie, Going Ape.

I had to work with a chimpanzee.

It was a nightmare! But the director figured it out.

He used chocolate.

-And that worked? The chimp was good? -No, the chimp was terrible.

The chocolate was for me. (LAUGHS) And I was brilliant.

Okay. But you’re right, it is on me. Kleet's a bad actor.

Hey! Maybe the key is to not have him act!

Why don’t you just use chocolate?

Hey, Kleet. I need to talk to...

What? Rajeev, what did you do?

I’m the makeup artiste. Faces are my canvas.

Promotion time. I am putting you on clapboard.

Oh! You heard?

The Jeevster is a quadruple threat!

So, what do you want to talk to me about, loser?

You know what? I was gonna give you some acting tips, but why bother?

Your big, dumb, ugly head is too thick to understand ‘em.

(GROWLING)

I’m calling the whole school

so they can watch me put you on life support.

Good! Good! Hold on to that anger!

Get ready to roll!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

-You are on top of this, right? -Easy as taking chocolate from a monkey.

Let’s do this, people. I need my moron on the set. Come on.

Clap-master in the house! (SCREAMS)

-Action! -(GROWLING)

(LOCKS FIST)

Got your back, Dude Manchu!

Your days of threatening this village are at an end, Zombie Lord!

(GROANING)

(SHOUTS)

Huh.

(GIGGLES)

Yeah! Go for the kidney!

I... I mean, no fighting.

-Cut. -That felt good to me,

but if you guys want another...

Hey, sensei. You’re supposed to have my back.

Hey, I’m sorry. He uses an exotic fighting style.

But I’ve got him figured out, man. This time, he’s eating pavement.

No surrender!

-RAJEEV: Action! -(GRUNTS)

-Hyah! -(CHUCKLES)

-(ROARS) -(SHOUTS)

(BOTH SHOUT)

Hey! Where'd you go, you little twerp?

You know what, broski? I think I know the problem.

It’s Kleet. He’s not a human

but a cyborg warrior sent from the future, programmed for destruction.

He looks so human.

Is that the problem, Billy? Or is it that you stink at martial arts?

-Tell that to the suede belt! -Please. You wanna know what I think?

That your instructor was just kissing your butt!

Wrong! That was my manager who did that. And my agent,

my doggie trainer, actually. My lawyer,

-huh, hairdresser... -KLEET: Found you! Get down here

so my fist can have some fun with your face.

Clapboard’s ready to go!

Huh? Uh-oh.

-(THUDS, SHATTERS) -(HORN HONKING)

That is totally weird.

No matter what Rajeev does, he completely messes it up.

Hah! Lunch break, everybody! We’ll finish shooting after.

(GASPS)

Okay, I want a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a hot dog...

Kleet, baby, the star gets a private chef.

(FLUSHES)

Let Chef Rajeev surprise and delight your taste buds. (CHUCKLES)

Et voilà!

Rajeev’s special bouillabaisse!

(SCREAMS)

(MUNCHING)

-I love my new promotion! -I’m pretty sure I’m gonna love it, too.

I know what you’re thinking, Steven Spiel... (BURPS) ...loser!

That I won’t want to flatten your face after enjoying such a delicious meal.

Don’t worry, you’re still an obituary waiting to happen.

I’m gonna start by using your leg as a hockey stick,

and your head will be the puck.

BILLY: Dude, I’ve been boning up on some cyborg fighting techniques.

Check it out.

-I’m okay. -(GROWLING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(FARTS)

-(FARTS) -(THROWS UP)

Stains.

Stains.

-(BEEPS) -You nailed it, George Bromero.

Thanks to Rajeev’s home cooking,

Kleet turned out to be a pretty good zombie after all.

I feel so used.

I just don’t get how you knew Rajeev’s soup

would fry Kleet’s onboard robotics systems.

-Huh. -(BEE BUZZING)

There’s still one thing I don’t get. How’d you learn that kung fu move?

Kung fu? We just ate a lot of Chinese food on the tour bus. (LAUGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Are you sure this is gonna taste like cola?

Cobra’s honor.

-(SLURPING) -(BILLY LAUGHING)

You are so gullibro! Why would you think that hot sauce,

pickle relish, and mustard would taste like cola?

Uh, cheese-and-onion smoothie not workin’ for ya?

This'll help take the taste away.

Thanks, Buck. Why don't you go prank someone else, toolbag?

I got important movie stuff to do.

Whoa. Lot of dislikes for my new flick.

-Which one? Three Men and a Zombie? -No,

Zombies of the Caribbean. Everybody’s sick of my zombie movies.

Listen to this. "When it comes to your movies,

"the zombies aren’t the only thing that’s dead." Signed "WiFri Buck."

Just keepin’ it real, friend.

Spencer Wright is not a one-trick pony, and I can prove it.

"For all you haters out there,

"I will post a zombie-free movie by the end of the day!"

-What do you say to that? -Awesome sauce.

My dude, what are you doing?

You’re going at that stuff like you’ve never had gum before.

(GULPS)

-Wait. You’ve never had gum before? -Nah, I had people chew it for me.

Pretty rad, though.

It’s like a stretchy fruit salad whose taste never goes away.

Oh, wait, it's going away.

Okay, non-zombie movie. Non-zombie movie. Non-zombie movie.

-BILLY: Wait, I got it! -A movie idea?

-My first bubble! Check it out! -What is up with you and that gum?

(SLURPS) I don’t know, dude. I’m just lovin’ it.

Chewing fun.

Billy Joe Cobra like to chew.

Well, could you give it a rest? I’m trying to think.

-Sure, no probs. -Thank you.

Non-zombie movie. Non-zombie movie...

(GURGLING)

-Dude! -I’m sorry, Broseph.

I... I just can’t stop. I don’t wanna stop.

Where, oh, where has this gum been all my life?

Dude, you’re out of control. Gimme the gum.

No! Get away!

(CHOKES)

-(BURPS) -Ew! Billy, that’s nasty!

I’m not doing it. It’s like this thing is alive!

Hey! I bet that when you choked on your gum it got all ectoplasm-ed up.

It’s pretty awesome.

And it’s the star of my new movie!

I’ll call it, The Blob.

Catchy. Whoa!

-Come on. Let’s get some more gum. -I thought I was out of control.

Eh, you’ll be fine.

If we’re gonna make a movie, we’re gonna need a bigger bubble.

Come on! Follow me!

Easy there, blob.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

And action!

Oh, no! It’s the blob!

-Cut! -What was wrong with that?

I thought it was perfect.

It was good, but the blob needs to be much bigger.

Okay, Billy, chew some more gum and we’ll do another take.

-No gum, chum. -I got some Rajasthan Punching Gum.

It’s some seriously powerful stuff, though.

You’re not supposed to chew it near an open flame.

-Oh, boy! -(SIZZLES)

How ‘bout a little lunch break?

Uh-huh. No time for lunch, Rajeev. I’m on a deadline.

This stuff is spicy!

(SCREAMS)

Awesome!

Chew, baby, chew!

-Nice blobby... -(GROWLING)

Nice...

Let’s shoot this thing! Rajeev?

Rajeev?

Uh. Spencer? Hello? Get me out of here!

(BEEPING)

-Rajeev? -(VIBRATING)

-SPENCER: Hey! You’ve reached... -You stupid...

-...Spencer’s cell. You know what to do. -(BEEPING)

Dude, get me out of here! It smells like Billy’s breath!

Eh. Somebody’s gotta be able to help me!

-Let's see. Ah! -(PHONE RINGING)

Didn’t I tell you to lose this number, Rajeev?

No, no! Don’t hang up.

I’m stuck inside a giant blob at Spencer’s house

and I need you to get me out! You gotta help me!

-Buy me a car. -Okay, okay, I’ll buy you a car.

Just get me out of here.

And wear that blue top. You know, the one with the...

-(DIALING TONE) -Eh. Never mind.

You know what? I bet he’s at the WiFri.

-I’m gonna go over there and reel him in. -(GROWLS)

Keep chewing, Billy. And see if you can find some more gum.

I want the blob to be even bigger when I get back, okay?

(MUFFLES)

(BURPS)

No, blob. Stay.

Billy, keep him here. We can’t have that thing running around the streets.

The Cobra needs more gum!

ABC, always be chewing!

Get the stupid idiot out of the blob and let’s get out of here!

(SQUEAKING)

Adrian! What’s the hold-up, you dunce?

(SQUEAKING)

-I believe you know Adrian. -Shut it, Rajeev.

Get me out of this goop before I rip your face off!

That’s gonna be kinda tricky. You came here to rescue me, remember?

Now, since it looks like we’re gonna be here a while,

we might as well get comfortable, right?

Come on, babe, why don’t you park it next to the Jeevster.

(GROWLS)

Gum, gum. Gum-alicious.

Gum?

Ew. Not gum! I need gum.

Gum.

-We won the trophy! We won the trophy! -We won the trophy! We won the trophy!

Hey! Who ordered the bounce house?

(TIRES SCREECH)

Hey, kids! Neat playhouse, but I’m kind of claustrophobic,

and if I’m not out of here in five minutes,

I’m gonna start talking in a Swedish accent.

And trust me, you don’t want that!

Let’s just step over here for a little privacy.

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Shanila. Have you seen that slacker brother of yours?

I thought he was with you.

I’m standing in front of this gigantic blob,

where, moments ago, neighbors say a popular but stuck-up high school girl

and a family in an unfashionable car were sucked inside.

Who knows who else, or what else, might be within its gummy walls?

Billy, what are you doing?

Snap out of it!

This is all my fault!

-I turned you into a gum fiend! -It’s cool.

Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have any gum on you, would ya?

What? No! No more gum!

Come on, the blob's gone psycho. We have got to stop it!

(GASPS)

(INHALES)

Don’t worry, Jeevster! We’re gonna get you out of there!

Oh. Take your time. Me and Lolo are just chillin’ and...

Get me out of here, you fool! Now!

(GROWLING, BURPING)

(ALL SCREAM)

Not cool! No one touches gold Billy!

(SCREAMING)

(SPEAKING SWEDISH) Hjälp mig!

No!

On the bright side, I’ve definitely lost the urge to chew gum.

That’s it! You gotta chew it!

Dude, you got gum in your ears? I just kicked the habit!

Don’t you get it? The blob came from your ectoplasm.

Only you can stop it, by chewing it up.

Fine!

(INHALES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, honey. Did you hear? Jessica won her karate tournament.

(SPEAKING SWEDISH) Ja! Ja! Första pris!

Guess we’ll have quite a story to tell our kids, eh, honey-bunny?

You owe me a car.

-(TIRES SCREECH) -(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

-Are you okay? -You ruined my date!

Quick, blow another bubble!

-(WHINES) -(GULPS)

Yeah, too bad you didn’t get to make your flick, dude.

-It would’ve been killer. -Yep.

Well, guess I better face the MeTube music.

Wait! This doesn’t make sense. I got over 300 likes.

Hey, get this. They think the blob was a special effect.

The most awesome one ever.

-You’re welcome. -Thanks, Billy.

You know, I still feel pretty bad for making you chew all that gum.

Hey, no harm, no foul, bro.

The important thing is, I’m done with chewing gum.

I’ve moved on to something way better.

(GRINDING)

Huh? Uh.

-Oh! Get my camera and call Rajeev! -(CHUCKLES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!