Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

(GROANS) Wow, Jeevster.

You've done a banging job of setting up for this party.

(SHANILLA GRUNTS)

What's that, Rajeev?

You've earned yourself a little preview of this cake?

Well, well, if you insist!

-SHANILLA: No! -RAJEEV: Ow!

I told Spencer I'd keep you away from Billy's cake.

-(ICING BUZZES) -(SCREAMS)

Good thing I had the icing electrified.

-You're gonna behave yourself now? -You win this round.

-(DOOR OPENS) -Hide!

RAJEEV: Uh.

(CHUCKLES)

-Surprise! (CHUCKLES) -Surprise! (CHUCKLES)

Sorry, guys. Just me.

Have you seen the guest of honor any place?

-Mm-mm. -Mm-mm.

Man, we go to all the trouble of throwing him a party on his "big day",

-and then he goes AWOL! -(GROANS)

(WHIMPERS)

Dude, you gotta get your butt over to the Tiki Room!

Somebody left a whole litter of tiger cubs over there! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, what does it matter? My fans have forgotten me.

Every year, on this day,

thousands of Cobraheads used to mob this place

to celebrate the anniversary of my first number-one single.

This year, nada! (SOBS)

Come on, a dip in your hot-fudge Jacuzzi will make you forget all about 'em.

Now I know how it feels to be a nobody. (SOBS)

How do you do it? I mean, it must be horrible

to feel like this all the time.

-(SIGHS) -(SQUIRREL CHITTERS)

(SQUEAKS)

(SQUIRRELS CHITTER)

(LAUGHS)

-MADAME X OVER MICROPHONE: Hoover... -(EXCLAIMS)

...report in. What have you learned?

-The target is feeling blue today. -(SQUEAKS)

He's worried that he's been forgotten by his fans.

(SQUIRRELS CHITTER)

Listen up, dolt! Here's what you're going to do.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOBS) No-good fickle fan base. (SNIFFLES, GROANS)

Billy, come with me to the Freaky Tiki Room.

There's something in there that's gonna cheer you up, buddy.

(SOBS) Nothing could cheer me up, man. Without my fans, I'm...

'Cause when I'm looking at your face It's just like...

Fans!

Loving you is easy 'Cause you look just like me

-I loved... -(SONG STOPS PLAYING)

Billy Joe... (CLEARS THROAT) ...I mean, Billy Joe Cobra! (EXCLAIMS)

-Wow! And she can see me! -Huh?

Uh. Billy, hello? That's Sam Hoover.

You know, the guy who's always trying to suck you into a jar!

Get your contact lenses checked, brotein shake.

I don't remember Sam Hoover sporting lashes like those!

Well, I bet you remember him wearing your underwear...

-(GROANS) -...so he can see you!

Doesn't prove anything.

The Cobra left a lot of underwear lying around town.

(SCREAMS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay, so it's Sam Hoover.

Doesn't mean he's here to ghostnap me. Maybe he's my one true fan

and all that ghostnapping stuff is just a chance

for him to get close to his hero.

Am I right, Sambroni?

Um. Yes. The thing that you just said. That's exactly right.

So, you're Billy's one true fan, huh?

You must know everything about him. Quick! What's his favorite snack?

Uh. Pickle... Um. No, deviled...

MADAME X: It's chunky peanut butter with the chunks taken out.

Chunky peanut butter with the chunks taken out.

-Correct-asaurus! -What's his favorite animal?

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

The unicor-poise, half unicorn, half porpoise.

-What is the capital of Burkina Faso? -Ouagadougou.

This is bogus!

-(GRUNTS) -He's probably getting the answers

-over an earpiece or something! -Huh?

Or he really is my biggest fan.

Hey, how would you like to hang out at chez Cobra today?

-Billy! -Bro-worm.

You're just gonna have to learn to share.

What is taking them so long?

Hmm? Hmm.

What? I'm just stretching! My butt is cramped up.

This is the old stu-stu-studio. It's where the magic happens.

How about a little private concert for my biggest fan?

Which one of my monster hits is your fave?

Yes, which of your monster hits is my favorite, huh?

-(MADAME X WHISTLING) -(WATER RUNNING)

The one about the abominable snow man? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Hey, let's jam on it together!

-Here, take one of these! -Wha... I can't play any of these.

I... I've got my own instrument though. (CHUCKLES)

He's going for the Ghost Containment Unit!

(SAM GRUNTING)

-Hmm. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's no way to treat my biggest fan!

-Yes, Spencer. -I've got my eyes on you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Warm up the biscuits, Groover, 'cause here comes the jam!

(GUITAR PLAYING)

(HARMONICA PLAYING)

-(VINYL SCRATCHES) -(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey!

I'm back from my mani-pedi, Hoover. (BLOWS)

Have you got him yet?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGH)

SPENCER: (GRUNTS) No!

-SAM: Yeah! -BILLY: Woo-hoo!

SAM: Yeah!

-(CHUCKLES) -(GRUNTS)

-(GROANS) -(GROANS)

-Woo-hoo! Yeah! -(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

-(CHUCKLES) -(BLOWS WHISTLE)

I'm starving!

Ah!

-(CHUCKLES) -(CHUCKLES) Huh?

-(SAM CLEARING THROAT) -What happened to you,

-sloppy-bro? You're a mess! -Huh? Ah. Uh-oh.

Really? 'Cause I didn't notice.

I mean, what with protecting you from Sam Hoover and all!

Dude, I don't need protecting!

This is a whole new Sam Hoover! I'm telling you,

-he's a bud, now! -Oh, yeah, yeah, he's a great bud.

Look, I need a shower, okay?

Just do me a favor and don't go anywhere for two minutes, can you do that?

(SCOFFS)

-(MICROPHONE RINGING) -(THUDS)

-(MICROPHONE RINGING) -Uh...

(SIGHS) Your X-ness? Is that you? Oh, I'm having the most exhilarating day!

Where have you been, you thickheaded dunce?

I've been trying to reach you for hours!

I... I've been chasing Mr. Cobra, nonstop. He's quite the elusive foe.

MADAME X: My patience is wearing thin, Hoover.

Bring him now, or it's back to eating cat food for you.

Yes, Your X-ness.

(WHIMPERS) Oh.

(WHIMPERS) Yeah. (GRUNTS)

-(SQUEAKS) -(GRUNTS)

Yo, Hoova-stank, the Spencemonkey's shampoozapaloozing.

Let's go swipe all the towels.

(GASPS) Bro-trayal!

It pains me to do this, Billy Joe, but cat food doesn't agree with me.

-But... but... but I thought we were buds! -But we are!

Oh, we can still have fun together! Of course, you'll be living in a jar.

No, no! Oh... (MUMBLES)

(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)

-Huh? -(PANTS)

-(GROANS) -(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

-(SQUEAKS) -(GRUNTS)

Ah!

-(SQUEAKS) -(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(PANTS, SCREAMS)

-Surprise! -Surprise!

-(SAM GROANS) -(CHUCKLES)

BILLY: Let me out of here, dude! I got claustro-bro-bia!

Oh, I'll let you out. After you say that I was right.

-(SAM GRUNTING) -Fine, you were right! Just let me out!

-(GRUNTS) -(GHOST CONTAINMENT UNIT BEEPS)

Freedom!

Well played, Billy. Back to the indoor golf?

Radtastic! Race you there!

Wait a minute. I'm not falling for that!

-Well, in that case... -(BEEPING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(GROANS) Okay.

-(GRUNTS) -(MACHINE ENGINE REVS)

(GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)

-RAJEEV: Huh? -Huh?

(CHUCKLES, GRUNTS) Ow!

-Madame X? -MADAME X: You didn't get him, did you?

SAM: Well, no. But, Madame, please, give me a chance.

-Uh. -MADAME X: You incompetent boob!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, what's up with all the partyphernalia?

It's for you. To celebrate your special day.

Spendleton! This is bro-riffic! Thanks, bros!

Huh? You haven't even seen the cake yet.

-Uh. Right. The cake. -Huh?

-Rajeev! -It wasn't just me!

-Shanilla ate half of it! -I had to!

It was the only way I could stop Rajeev from eating the whole thing!

-I loved you when I met you... -Huh?

-Hmm? -And now you're even dearer...

Huh? My fans!

When I'm looking at your face It's like I’m looking in the mirror...

It's the Cobra Army!

-I don't understand. -Wait a minute.

What day did "Loving You Is Easy" come out?

-Um. The 21st. -Because the 21st is starting now!

-Read a calendar much? -Hey, I had people for that!

-(LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

RAJEEV: That's funny!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Spence! Cannonball! Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Man, sometimes being a ghost is a bottle of lame sauce.

-Whoa! -What? It's not a bald spot!

-It's just the way I combed my hair today! -No, drillbit, check it out.

This producer, Barry Bernard, is remaking Night of the Flying Zombies,

and he's looking for a director! I'm calling this dude right now!

-(CELLPHONE KEYPAD BEEPS) -Yeah, great idea, broman.

Better hurry up, before some other 14-year-old

unknown beats you to the gig.

Uh. You know what? You're right.

Uh. He's never gonna let a kid direct a major motion picture.

Hey, no sweat pants. All you gotta do is make him think you're an A-list player

-instead of a newbie-nator. -Keep talking.

It's a cinch. This town is built on lies.

In fact, I am actually a 50-year-old woman.

(WHISTLES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

This is the award-winning producer, Barry Bernard. Start talking, go.

Hey, Barry, Spencer Wright here. Heard you need a helmer

for your next major mo-pic. We should huddle.

Spencer Wright? Uh. I don't know the name. I care about you why?

Three words, BB. Zombie Slumber Party. Check out your TV.

Hey, guys! Pillow fight!

(ZOMBIES GRUNT)

Wow. Edgy, yet relatable, with a sympathetic protagonist.

-And it's on TV, so it must be good. -Thanks, bro. I did the soundtrack.

Hey, you know what? You look familiar. Did we party together?

Yeah, so swing by my studio and make me an offer.

BARRY: On my way, babe.

(CHUCKLES) Woo-hoo!

Okay! You think I can pass for a grown man?

Hmm. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Now, you can! Remember, just follow my lead.

-The Cobra knows how this town works. -(DOORBELL RINGING)

Sander Knight! My favorite director.

-It's been too long. -(GRUNTS)

Uh. It's Spencer Wright, actually.

The man's walked all the way from his limo. Offer him a water.

-Uh. Can I get you a water? -(EXHALES) Love one, babe.

-I walked all the way from my limo-zine! -(GASPS)

Uh-huh! What did we rehearse?

Heather! Water for Mr. B!

Oh, I forgot. Silly me. I sent her to the pet plastic surgeon.

Yeah, yeah, my Chihuahua's getting a face lift.

-So, I'll just go get the water myself. -Much better.

Tell me about Sander Knight. What makes him tick? Go!

Well, Spencer Wright is a director with a flair for special effects, and...

Huh?

Uh. Hey! This guy's good! The player's got chops.

So, let's close this baby, before I get snapped up by someone else.

-You know. -JANE: Spencer!

-We're home! -Intruders!

-(GRUNTS) -(GRUNTS)

Jessica, it's me, Spencer.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES) One of my bodyguards. She's not the sharpest crayon in the box.

Where have I seen you before? Maybe at the supermarket?

(GASPS) No! In a magazine at the supermarket! (CHUCKLES)

Okay, staff meeting! Everybody in the lounge.

This'll only take a sec, Baz.

Dude, you can't just leave him here.

These executron producer types guys have, like, zero attention span.

He'll take off for a mani-pedi the second he gets bored.

-Well, just keep an eye on him for me. -No probs. Cobra is on Baz Patrol.

What are you doing home?

You were supposed to be at that kung fu tournament all day.

Everyone was too afraid to fight your sister,

-so they just gave her the trophy. -Hi-yah. Huh!

Why are you dressed like that and who's that creepy orange man?

He's Barry Bernard. The Barry Bernard.

Oh, my gosh! He is famous!

There's a famous producer in my pool! Oh, where are my hairdressing scissors?

Look, I need you guys to be cool, okay?

I'm trying to get him to hire me for a movie.

That's why I'm pretending to be an adult.

Spencer, lying is wrong and you know our motto.

-Wrights are never wrong. -Ah!

-(WATCH TICKING) -Hmm. (EXHALES)

-Nobody keeps Barry Bernard waiting. -Sorry, Baz.

(GRUNTS) Huh?

Meeting's not over.

Wow! This guy's effects are scary good.

Now, take that disguise off and go tell Mr. Bernard the truth.

Absolutely. Right after he autographs my shoulder. (LAUGHS)

So, I guess you don't want to be the hair stylist

on a major motion picture.

And I guess you don't want to be the accountant for a big movie studio.

No, I don't.

But I'd kill to be a prop guy! Can you put in a word for me?

That all depends now, doesn't it? Are you guys willing to play ball, here?

-(CHUCKLES) -Hey, what about me?

-I wanna be an action movie star. -You got it, babe.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-(GRUNTS) -(CHUCKLES)

Sorry about that, Baz.

Little trouble with one of my productions in Russia.

-You know, it's monsoon season there. -Monsoons are in India.

See, this is why I need a good producer! (CHUCKLES)

So, what do you say we spill some ink on those contracts

-and move into the pre-pro? -Don't mind me, boss.

Just wanna show Barry my mad styling skills. (CHUCKLES)

Not a good time, Jane. Barry and I are about to close our deal.

-You're looking a little shaggy up top. -(SCREAMS)

Huh?

Cobra, one, Mom, zero.

-(TRIMMER BUZZING) -BARRY: Get off of me!

(GASPS) Oh. Look what you made me do. Oh... well, better even it out.

-Mom! -Mom?

Yeah! You know Mom as in Momnica. That's her name.

I thought her name was Jane.

Oh. No. We just call her that 'cause Momnica is such a weird name.

-Right? -Ciao, Barry!

Good save, bro-jangles. Now fire her big behind!

No A-list director would ever put up with that kind of attitude!

I can't. She'll rat me out to Barry.

Hey, Mr. Bernard! Check out...

-Huh? -...the Lawnmonster 3000.

Just something I threw together in the garage.

Hugh, what'd I tell you about barging into meetings?

You want your allowance this week, Mr. Wright?

-(LAWNMONSTER 3000 ENGINE REVS) -(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

-Billy! -I'm on it.

-(SCREAMS) -I'm off it.

-Dad! Shut it off! -I'm trying, Son! Trying!

-(BUTTONS BEEP) -(SCREAMS)

Jane... I mean, Momnica. Back in the house... I mean, studio.

-You know what I mean! -Hi-yah!

-Hi-yah! Ho! Hi-yah! -(GRUNTS)

(SQUEALS)

(GROANS)

Hi-yah! Ho! I'm a kung fu warrior. Try to hit me.

Huh? Well, aren't you adorable.

(BARRY SCREAMING)

-How's that for adorable? -Jessica, back in the house!

-Barry, I can explain. -(GROANS)

Don't bother.

And you can forget about ever working on a Barry Bernard picture!

Dude, you got one shot left. Tell him we're related.

How's that gonna help?

Look! I'm sure I've met this broseph before.

Which means, he's gotta love me. That's your ace in the hole.

-Hurry! You're losing him. -Baz, wait!

(GRUNTS) Billy Joe Cobra is my cousin. In fact, I inherited this crib from him.

And Billy would've definitely wanted you to give me this gig. Okay?

-Billy Joe Cobra? -Uh-huh.

-I did a video shoot with him once. -And now comes the love!

-What a nightmare! -(GASPS)

The guy walked in two days late,

didn't like the director's jeans and walked right back out!

That's a lie! It was the cameraman's jeans.

It'd be one thing if the guy had any talent. (GROANS)

Do you know what my nickname was for him? Billy Joke!

That's right! Figures, this house used to belong to him.

Shares the same bad taste as his music.

What? Say what you will about my talent, but no one disses the Cobra's lair!

How about a little tour of my ugly house!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Yeah, well! So much for me ever working in this town.

I guess I can always be an accountant, like Dad.

Now, come on, Baz. Violence never solves anything.

(GRUNTS) You're a genius! Those special effects are mind-blowing!

How did you do all that to me? I couldn't even see the wires!

You don't want me to give away my secrets, do you?

Forget it. I don't even care. The only thing that matters here

is that I want to be in the Sander Knight business!

-Spencer Wright. -You're my man. Do we have a deal?

Fat chance! Not after you dissed the Cobra!

-We sure do! (CHUCKLES) -Come on. Hug me. Oh, yeah! Satisfaction.

(SPENCER'S FAMILY CHEERING)

-HUGH: I'm gonna be a prop guy! -JANE: We're gonna be in the movies!

Oh, no. Not you people. You're a train wreck!

You, I wouldn't let you cut my dog's hair!

And robot guy! You're a menace. Maybe you should switch to accounting.

-As for you... -Ho! Ha!

(SCREAMS) Get away from me! I'll sue!

Now, come on, Sander. Let's go get a mani-pedi.

I don't think so, Baz.

Nobody talks to my crew like that.

They're not perfect, but they're mine, and we stick together.

And one more thing, Baz. When it comes to talent and taste,

you're not fit to scrape the dirt off Billy Joe Cobra's shoes.

So, go get your own mani-pedi.

In fact, let me have someone show you to your car.

-(BEEPS) -(LAWNMONSTER 3000 ENGINE REVS)

(SCREAMS)

(SIGHS) I'm really sorry, you guys.

Dad, you were right about lying. I shouldn't have tried to be someone...

Sure, sure, Son, whatever. Barry, come back! Let's talk!

-JANE: We'll do anything! -JESSICA: Give us another chance!

-Oh, please! -Can you believe this?

Barry, come back! I still wanna make that video! Your jeans are great!

Barry! Wait! (WHIMPERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!