Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

Hmm. Huh.

Hey, beef broguignon. Do I look really see-through to you?

Duh. You're a ghost.

That's no reason to just give up on being beautiful.

Dude, my screening's about to start,

and I still got a pants-load of things to do.

Put these out for the guests, will you?

Hmm. (SCREAMS)

Giant severed fingers! (GROANS)

They're foam, tool kit. Souvenirs for my movie, Bloodfinger.

Hmm. Even severed fingers look healthier than me.

Movie star in the hizzouse. All right!

Hey, Spencer.

Where all the fan girls be at? I got on the good cologne.

-(CHUCKLES) -(COUGHS)

Ah, don't worry, they'll come.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(SIGHS) Let's bail. It's not happening.

Maybe everyone just had better things to do.

(SIGHS) Wait, that didn't come out right.

(SPENCER GROANS)

Ah, don't sweat it, guy-man.

We'll get people to come to your screenings.

It's just a matter of raising your incredibly low profile.

(GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

This kid Kleet is the best thing to happen to track and field

since fertilizer. He's got it all!

You better sign him to an endorsement deal before somebody else does.

We're having an exhibition tomorrow. Bring money. And I'll be rich

and leave this place in the dust. (LAUGHS EVILLY)

(GIRLS LAUGH)

I don't get why everybody goes gaga over some meathead chucking a rock,

when I've got 87 minutes of quality horror they'd enjoy so much more.

It's called hero worship, Spence.

People dig athletes almost as much as pop stars.

Wait. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-That I'm looking way too transparent? -No!

That my best ghost buddy can help me become a star athlete,

so I can get everybody to come see my movies.

-(GRUNTS) -You lost, loser?

Off my field, Wright. I don't want your poor skills

to rub off on my cash cow. I mean, star athlete. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-Whoa. -(GASPS)

-(GLASS SHATTERING) -(ALARM BLARING)

-Huh? -Is that my car alarm?

-(GROWLS) -(BILLY CHUCKLES)

Huh?

(SCREAMS)

Huh? (GASPS)

Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! Spencer!

If you guys thought that was cool,

wait till you see my new movie, Bloodfinger.

PONZI: There's my favorite scholar athlete.

How would you like a big, fat endorsement deal with a sportswear company?

-Sound good? -Sounds awe-tastic!

All you gotta do is strut your stuff at the exhibition tomorrow.

I'll do it on one condition, instead of putting me on the big screen,

you let me show my new movie on it.

-Tomorrow night. -BILLY JOE: Hmm.

-The master has taught you well. -Sure, sure. Anything.

I'll butter the popcorn.

Hmm.

Oh, even the jelly is more visible than me.

(CHUCKLES) So, how do I look?

-(SCREAMS) -What? Too much?

Hi, Spencer. Florine wants you to sit with her.

(ALL GIGGLE)

Spencer! What are you doing eating with the rabble?

Hmm.

Welcome to Taste by Glen Ponzi. Where the elite meet to eat before a meet.

-Huh? -The turbot is excellent today.

Wha...

-Just relax and let the tension out. -Me next.

Uh, Mr. Ponzi, um, about my movie screening,

uh, I was wondering if I could make an announcement on the...

I don't believe this.

Principal Ponzi...Huh? (GROANS)

Taste by Glen Ponzi is reserved for our star athlete!

But I...

I am so sorry. Have you decided?

Hmm. I can't decide between the steak and the lobster.

You know what? I'll take 'em both.

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

-And for dessert, 50 orders of tapioca. -(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

-Served in a bathtub. -Excellent choice.

Ah, nature's thickener.

(VIOLIN PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

Some smooth sounds to help your digestive system.

(VIOLIN PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

-Oh, yeah. How do you like me now? -I think I'm skipping dessert.

(CHUCKLES)

No problem. I'll clean that up.

(SPENCER PANTING)

-(SCREAMS) -(SCREAMS)

Hi-yah! Yah! Get out of my seat, weird old guy.

-(GRUNTING) -(SPENCER MAKES KIAI SOUNDS)

-Um... -(GRUNTS)

This is Mr. Gunderson, from the Senior Center.

As a star athlete, you don't have to go to class. Gunderson will do that for you.

How about a nap? I set up a comfy bed in my office.

No, thanks. I think I'll stay right here.

-Foot massage? -No.

As you wish.

Today, we'll be discussing the properties of microwaves.

Now, you may think microwaves are just good for making popcorn,

but they can actually alter an organism's molecular structure.

-Woo--hoo! Hello, nurse! -Huh?

(GASPS)

Just a sec.

(DINGS)

(GROANS)

Like the science dude said,

I used microwaves to chan... change up the old molecular structure.

How do I look?

-Uh, kind of sick, actually. -No, I’m feeling... feeling great.

Billy. We gotta get to Ponzi's exhibition thingy.

Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. Let's hit it.

-(GROANS) -(SIGHS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(RAJEEV LAUGHS)

Just wait till you see what this kid can do with a shot-put.

-Ready, dude? -(BILLY GROANING)

Hello.

-Wow! This is a big dressing room. -You sure you're up for this?

Just put me on stage, boys. (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

-(SCREAMS) -(WHIMPERS, SCREAMS)

-(GROANS) -(GROANS)

We gotta rally here, Billy. Hit me with some of that ecto.

I don't know, man. It doesn't look right.

It's okay. Do it or my screening is history.

(ALL SCREAM)

(SPENCER BLABBERS)

-Get down from there. -I'm trying!

Just a minor delay. (GRUNTS)

-Oops! -Oh!

Huh?

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Hey!

Wright, you're fired.

-Kleet, you're in. -(KLEET GRUNTS)

Don't go away, loser. After I snag this endorsement deal,

-I owe you a beat down. -(BILLY VOMITS)

Huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Now that our little opening comedy act is out of the way,

let's get to the real show.

(CHUCKLES) Huh?

Huh? (SHOUTS)

Um... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) It's his special way of warming up.

(BOTH SCREAM)

-It's alive! My butt is alive! -(WHIMPERS)

(THUDDING)

(GRUNTS)

But, sir...

(GRUNTS)

We still on for that movie screening?

-Ha! -Yeah. Ha! Loser.

What are you laughing about? You're in big trouble, too.

(WHIMPERS)

PONZI: And I was so close to getting...

-Mr. Ponzi. Sir. Wait, wait! -...out of here. Teenagers.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

-SPENCER: You okay? -Oh, yeah. I just needed to purge.

Guess that didn't go so well, though, huh?

(SCOFFS) What are you gonna do? Guess I'm back to being a nobody.

-(LAUGHING) -Hey, that was really cool, Spencer!

-Awesome! -Dude, way to go!

A little something called special effects wizardry,

just like the kind you'll see in Bloodfinger, a Spencer Wright film.

And you're in luck, 'cause there's a screening tonight at the WiFri.

Free severed fingers for the first 100 guests.

(SCREAMING)

-Way to go, bro. They're loving it! -Yes!

Hey, um, listen, I’m sorry that you didn't find a way

-to be less see-through. -Ah, no big. I'm over it.

I mean, what difference does it make how transparent you are?

-Wow, Billy. That's actually really... -What matters is how buff you are.

(GRUNTS)

-(STATIC SOUNDS) -(CROWD BOOING)

-GIRL: Come on! -(CROWD CONTINUES BOOING)

You're right! Being transparent ain't so bad after all.

(GROANS)

BILLY: Hmm. I don't know, brojangles.

I'm trying to hire myself out as a cameraman

to raise money for my next flick.

Oh, right. What was it? Attack of the Wooden Ostrich?

Attack of the Human Sausage. It's gonna be my biggest movie yet. But you know,

building a human-sized sausage suit costs mucho dinero.

Freeze! You're busted.

Taping posters to our walls is a severe infraction of school policy

and the punishment is severe.

-(RECEIPT PRINTING) -(SIGHS)

Forty years in detention. Thirty-five with good behavior.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Bro. This master of bogosity is slicing up some phony baloney.

However, if I recall school policy correctly, there is another option.

What was it? Oh, yes, a student can be excused from punishment

if he agrees to shoot a faculty member's movie.

Of course, I have no idea where you could possibly find...

Oh, look! A properly formatted feature-length screenplay.

And it's written by me!

-Do we have a deal? -Do I have a choice?

No, you don't.

See you on set. Huh? (SHOUTS)

(PANTING)

(SHOUTING)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

Ms. Rumsfeld. You are a feast for the eyes.

-I'm a little busy, Glen. -Oh, me too, Lenore.

Running a school and making a movie at the same time,

-I don't know how I do it. -(GASPS) A movie, you say?

Oh, just a little inspirational drama destined to define a generation.

You're something of a cinema buff, aren't you?

Well, I might just have an extra ticket for tomorrow evening's premiere.

Um, thanks.

Afterward, perhaps you'd join me for dinner.

We could review each other's lesson plans.

Dinner? With you? I... I can't because, uh, well...

I'm afraid I can't eat solid foods.

Gotta run.

Huh? But you're still coming to the premiere? Yes!

"A Principled Man?"

Oh, it's autobiographical.

"Our children are miserable, ungrateful delinquents.

"But they're also our future.

"Humanity's hope rests upon the shoulders of one brave principal,

"one just principal, one smart principal, one handsome principal..."

This part goes on for eight more pages.

It gets worse. He wants to star in his own movie.

-(VOMITS) -Dude.

SHANILA: You're gonna be laughed out of the movie business.

I mean, I'm not sure if this is the best career move for you.

No, duh. That's why we gotta keep this quiet.

-Huh? -If my MeTube followers find out,

my cred is dead.

You guys gotta swear you won't tell anyone.

Lolo, what up, boo? How about you and me hittin' the WiFri after school?

Smoothies are on me.

Well, this one is.

-Huh. I've missed our banter. -What are you gonna do?

What else can I do? Make the stupid movie, and hope no one finds out I did it.

Or... Back in your performing days, how many music video shoots did you ruin?

(LAUGHS) Wrecking videos was part of my bad boy image. Why?

While I shoot the movie, you'll sabotage it

until Ponzi throws in the towel.

I don't know if I've still got the goods, bro. (INHALES)

(BEAT-BOXING)

I think we'll be okay.

SPENCER: But, Mr. Ponzi! I'm in the middle of a math test.

Forget math. You'll never use it in real life.

Besides, I've already booked the auditorium for the premiere tomorrow.

Now, here's the set and here's our co-star.

-(CHUCKLES) -Hmm.

All right, Rajeev, in this scene, you're committing the unpardonable crime

of running in the hall. Principal Ponzi chases you.

Places!

Ready to ruin? What's the plan?

Ponz de Leon does the chase thing. When he hits full speed,

I dump this Wacky Wax.

Then it's slip 'n' slide time till... wham!

He checks in to Hotel de Wall.

Rolling and... action!

You'll never catch an undisciplined rule-breaker like me.

You're surprisingly fast. I should have known after seeing your toned calves.

Check out mine. They're glorious. (GASPS) Oh!

(SCREAMS)

-(THUDS) -(SPENCER GROANING)

Interesting technique, Mr. Wright. Did you get the shot?

-Mm-hmm. -Great. Moving on.

SPENCER: Action!

-Freeze! -(SHOUTS)

(GRUNTS)

Huh?

(WHIMPERS)

-(GRUNTS) -(GROANING)

Get the shot?

-Uh-huh. -Great. Moving on.

(GRUNTS)

You! Don't you dare open that fire hydrant.

(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

Great special effects. And we're moving on.

You okay, brofessor?

So, back when you were ruining all those music videos,

what happened to the directors?

(CHUCKLES) They took it the hardest.

Most of 'em had to take nice, long vacations in quiet places

with padded walls. (CHUCKLES) Why do you ask?

Just a hunch.

-This time, I got it wired, no prob. -Forget it, Billy.

I still want to be breathing at the end of the day.

Hey, what's with the gloves?

My tour bus driver taught me a couple of pretty sweet tricks.

Ready to roll? Come on. We're losing the light.

Places, everybody. Roll camera, and... action!

-(PONZI EXCLAIMS) -(RAJEEV YELPS)

-(GRUNTS) -(YELPS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

If you don't respect your school, you don't respect yourself.

One of my biggies!

-You love me... -(TIRES SCREECHING)

Huh? (GRUNTS) Ow!

-Huh? -You get it?

-Mm-hmm. -PONZI: Terrific. Let's break for lunch.

Hey, why so low, bro?

(SIGHS) The word got out about A Principled Man.

Everybody on MeTube is calling me a sellout.

-BILLY: Who blabbed it? -The first message about it

is from screen name Richest Hottest Best 98. Wonder who that could be.

Yeah, it's a real mystery.

Lolo? Who told you?

(SLURPING, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I'm late for a, uh, conference call. Bye!

Okay, um, it's not too late. I can delete the post and shut down my MeTube page.

True. But I'm not sure what you can do about that.

Huh?

(WHIMPERS)

Ah, Wright, good timing. I just finished the sequel to my movie.

Let me see. "A Principled Man II: Administrate This."

Okay, Mr. Ponzi, I quit. Expel me if you want.

Give me detention for the rest of my life, I don't care,

but I am not making your movie and I'm definitely not making the sequel.

-I'm not gonna be a sellout. -(SOBBING)

-Are you okay? -No.

I already invited Ms. Rumsfeld to the premiere. (SOBBING)

If I don't have a movie to show her, she'll think I'm a big fibber.

You've got to help me, Wright. Please! I'll do anything! Anything!

-Anything? -Was I not clear?

I just might be able to help you out. But it's not gonna be cheap.

I don't care how much it costs. I'll do it. I need a movie.

This way to see the sellout. No pushing. Plenty of good seats available.

Hello, love muffin. Save the seat next to you for me.

I'm left-handed, so the one to your right would be best.

(LOUD FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SCREAMS, GROANS)

Ms. Rumsfeld, lovely to see you.

I hope you enjoy the show.

(CHUCKLES)

JOANIE: Donald, let's go home. This abandoned meat factory is scary.

DONALD: Ah, come on, Joanie. I wanna see where they made the sausages.

-(EVIL LAUGHTER) -(CROWD GASPING)

No! Stop cheering! This isn't the right movie. (GRUNTS)

-Is this seat taken? -Glen, you're magnificent.

I had no idea.

There's a lot you don't know about me, Lenore.

I'm not the same boy I was when I got a D in your class.

Is that dinner invitation still open?

It's not too late to catch the early bird special.

I'm afraid not. My... my evenings are taken.

-(SOBS) -(GASPS) Well!

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES) Wow, maca-broni. Ponzi has to moonlight as a janitor?

Guess your flick really put him in the poorhouse.

Yeah, I almost feel sorry for the guy.

-Almost. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!