Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

SPENCER: Okay, check it out. First, a trapdoor opens in the floor,

a coffin appears on stage in a plume of smoke.

Then the coffin opens, right? I'm inside, but, I'm headless!

(SCREAMS)

-I'm not scared. Keep going, Spence. -Then my head appears.

Ha! Looks like Spencer Wrong's doing another one of his kiddie magic shows.

It's not a magic show, toolbox. It's for the talent contest.

I'm gonna blow everyone away, including you!

-My special effects will be totally sick! -Sick is definitely the right word for it!

You won't be doing any horror shows while I'm principal of this school!

-Why? -Need I remind you

of your last little stunt on cheerleading sign-up day?

And remember, everybody who signs up today gets two free pom-poms!

(SCREAMS)

-(CHUCKLES) That was a good one. -It was your last one!

Because your little horror shows are hereby banned from school permanently!

So you better think of something else fast for the talent contest,

-or your high school career is over. -(KLEET LAUGHS)

Have fun!

Loser! Can't wait to see you bomb on stage!

Spencer is a game less loser! (LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGH)

(SIGHS)

SPENCER: The only reason I even entered this stupid contest was so

that I could show everyone my skills. Now, I got nada! What am I gonna do now?

(BILLY SLURPING LOUDLY)

Hey, I know! You could do this cool magic trick I saw once.

We dress you up in a chicken suit, handcuff you, wrap you in chains,

then throw you into a giant banana milkshake!

-I hate banana milkshakes! -Okay, okay! We could hit those Bo Peeps

with some freestyle poppin' and lockin', yo!

(FREE-STYLING MUSIC PLAYING)

(BILLY GRUNTS, EXCLAIMS)

A little help?

Thanks anyway, but I can't compete with those other kids.

They all have coaches, choreographers, spiritual advisers, and...

Who needs fancy trainers when you've got Doctor Cobra?

The doctor is in! Follow my lead!

(PLAYS A NOTE)

(PLAYS A NOTE BADLY)

(GROANS) This is gonna be a little harder than I thought.

(SPENCER STRUMMING GUITAR)

Forget it! I'm not doing this. I'm not gonna play guitar.

-I sound horrible! -Too bad I can't play for you, dude.

Wait! You can't play for me, but maybe you can play with me!

-Something like this. -(PLAYS GUITAR RIFF)

-I am diggin' this chili! -Hmm.

-That's 'cause I made it extra spicy! -Caliente!

Muy caliente!

(BILLY SCREAMS)

Hide your daughters, people, 'cause we're gonna blow the roof

off this talent show.

(SNIFFS)

Are those your mom's triple-fudge, gut-bustin', lights-out brownies? Yeah!

-Don't worry, I'll catch up. -Don't be late, Casper.

Brownie! Brownie! Brownie!

(FOOD MIXER WHIRRING)

-(GASPS) Mm. Perfect! -Let me check!

Hey, honey! Look what I rigged up in my workshop! An underwear cannon!

To fire undies on stage while Spencer's playing.

-Oh, why? -'Cause that's what fans do

at rock shows, honey. Check out the range on this baby!

-Huh? Must be jammed. -(CLANKING)

(CRASHES)

You might want to use clean underwear, Hugh.

-Oh! Are you cooking brownies? -They're for the talent contest.

I'm gonna use the brownies to bribe Principal Ponzi.

-(FOOD MIXER WHIRRING) -(BILLY SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Caliente!

PRINCIPAL PONZI: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Beverly Beverly High's

-Annual Talent Competition! -(CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

-Billy, where are you? -PRINCIPAL PONZI: Without further ado,

here they are, your over-privileged offspring!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

(STRAINS) Ah!

-Number one! -Keep your eyes on the bullseye.

Y'all don't try this at home!

Oh.

RAJEEV: Okay, so I'm not saying Principal Ponzi is old,

but the reason he can teach Ancient History is 'cause he was there!

-(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) -(JOKE DRUMBEAT)

Hey-oh! (LAUGHS) Okay, I'm not saying Principal Ponzi is ugly,

but when he went to a freak show they gave him an application!

-(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) -(JOKE DRUMBEAT)

Good night! That's my time! Rajeev out! Peace!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Answer! Answer! Answer the phone!

BILLY: You've reach His Highness, the brilliant, most talented BJC!

-Leave a message! -(GROANS)

(HARMONIZING)

(MIC FEEDBACK)

(PLAYS THE FLUTE)

(APPLAUSE)

Billy! It's Spencer again. I've left you, like, 423 messages. Where are you, man?

-Get your see-through butt over here! -You ready to move to Loser Town, McLoser?

-Pack your bags! -PRINCIPAL PONZI: And now, prepare to be

underwhelmed by Spencer Wright.

-(GASPS) -Your turn!

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

-HUGH: Whoa! Spencer! -(LAUGHS) A bra!

Woo-hoo! Go get 'em, son! That's my boy!

-Spencer! -(GROANS)

-Hi, Spence. Sorry! Little situation here. -Billy!

Either play or get off the stage. I've got a bus to catch.

(SPENCER STRUMMING GUITAR)

Good thing I brought the brownies.

Brownies?

KIDS: Brownies!

FEMALE VOICE: OMG!

BILLY: (SIGHS) That was close. Now where's the stage?

ALL: Mm-mm.

What is that?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-Do those kids seem a little pasty? -Must be the hormones.

BILLY: Whoa!

Okay. You can do this, Billy Joe!

(EXCLAIMS)

That tastes like Spencer's stank shoes!

-Hey, Spence! -Billy!

Mr. Wright, what are you up to this time?

Dude, we've got a major problem here, okay? When everyone goes home

with a piece of you in their stomach, you're history!

-What are we gonna do? -I don't know, dude.

We'll have to think of a way to get you back together!

Well, maybe if you could get everyone to open up wide,

and I could buy enough time to escape... (SCREAMS)

Did you want this one, Mr. Wright? Brownies are for eating,

-not talking to! -No, wait!

(MUNCHING, EXCLAIMS)

-BILLY: Dude! It smells all Ponzi in here! -Hang on, buddy!

(ALL GASP)

Okay, it's time to do what I do best!

HUGH: Spencer's got no head!

(ALL SCREAM)

Yeah! I'm gonna need a long shower.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(PLAYS GUITAR RIFF)

-ALL: Spencer! Spencer! Spencer! -(APPLAUSE)

Yeah! All right! You the man!

Stop! I warned Spencer about doing this kind of act

-so he's hereby disqualified! -(AUDIENCE BOOING)

-Then who's the winner? -I don't know.

(MURMURS)

The clear winner is obviously Lolo,

-the very rich Lolo! -I win! I win! I'm the best! I am!

Either way, Spencer is banned from all school contests forever!

(GROANS)

You know, Spence, it's like I always say. The most important thing...

Looks like you lose again, McLoser.

MALLORY: Actually, Kleet, I thought Spencer's show was pretty wicked.

Everybody knows he was the real winner. See ya later.

I just remembered some stuff I gotta do. Bye!

Yeah, and stay out! Dude, she is so diggin' your chili!

-Spicy! -Habanero!

-Caliente! -Super caliente!

(BILLY SCREAMING)

Whoa! Check this! I just got nominated for a Shorty Award!

Hey, don't sweat it, little man. You'll grow eventually.

No, tool kit, it's an award for short films.

My movie Singing in the Grave was nominated. And let's see...

(CLEARS THROAT) ..."You may bring one guest to the award ceremony."

Well, seeing as I'm the super talented and hunky-licious star of the film,

I'd be happy to join you. You can pick me up at seven.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll, Francis Ford Broppola.

I've been to dozens of red-carpet shindigs.

You can't just bring any old can of beans with ya.

-A can of what? -You need a celebrity on your arm, bro!

Some A-list model or actress. Trust me, your career depends on it.

What are you talking about? No one's gonna care who I bring.

Oh, yeah? Ever hear the name Morgan Showalter?

Uh... Hmm.

He was the most promising director of his generation.

Until he was nominated for a People's Pick Award.

Mr. Showalter, over here! Let's see a smile!

-Mr. Showalter, something for the fan? -Yeah, sure. First, uh, honor to be here,

really. And, uh, to me, that movie was an incre...

(GASPS) I've seen you on the TV! Give me your autograph!

BILLY: The fool decided to bring his mother as his date.

Hold my bag, Morgy. I gotta get a picture!

BILLY: And that was it for him.

The guy is probably serving fries somewhere now.

Oh come on! You can't expect me to believe that story?

Here are your fries.

MALE VOICE: Showalter! Get your butt over here.

I'm coming, boss!

Dude, you gotta help me! I don't wanna get Showalter-ed!

Relax. We're gonna find you some arm candy for the awards.

Hey! What about me?

Ha! Get back to me when you're on the A-list, okay, kid?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Back in the day, every time I stepped into a limo,

it was fully stocked with celebrity señoritas.

Yeah, but you know they don't live there, right?

Famous girls do. It's their natural habitat.

Sleeping Beauty at three o'clock.

(SNORING)

-Dad, what are you doing here? -It's my little hideaway.

Don't tell your mother. She thinks I'm watering the compost heap.

-(SNORING) -He must've scared all the ladies away.

Fear not, dude. We'll get you a superstar date.

There's plenty of fish in the sea. Why? ‘Cause there's plenty of limos in the sea.

Okay, but we're running out of time. The award ceremony is tonight!

(EXCLAIMS)

Here we go.

Nope.

Nada.

Squat.

Zip.

Nothing! No one! Goose egg! Empty!

What's happened in the world? (SOBS)

Hey. Uh, how about a limo that's not in a used car lot?

Like, uh, this one!

Get on it, young blood.

It's datin' time!

I understand someone's looking for some arm candy.

Fine. If that's how it is, drive, David!

When I was touring, there were always celeb girls hanging backstage.

-Yeah, but at the Wi Fri? -Backstage is backstage.

Hello, ladies!

(GROANS) Gotcha! (GROANS) Hmm.

(SCREAMS)

Goal! Go get her, cowboy. Get it, get it.

(GULPS)

Wait! You wanna be a player, you gotta wear the uniform.

(COUGHS)

Now go drop some smooth, heartbreaker.

(SPENCER CRASHES)

Hi! I’m Spencer Shorty, and I’m nominated for a Wright... no! Other way around.

Um, I'm... I’m nominated for an award and I’d like you to come with me,

-as my date, for it. -Sounds fun.

-Buck? Why are you wearing high heels? -Because I’m climbing a ladder, dude.

Okay. Why are your legs shaved?

Look, are you bringing me to that award show or not?

Award show? No, I said a "bored" show. Bye!

Fine. If that’s how it is. Drive.

-Whoa! -What are you doing taking a lunch break,

bro-ham sandwich? We gotta find you a chiquita on the quick!

That’s what we’re doing! But this time, we’re doing it my way, okay?

I’m done with your dopey ideas.

-Huh? Oh, hi, Spencer. -Hi! Mallory,

Uh, listen, I’ve been invited to an award show tonight,

and I get to bring a date, and I was kind of wondering...

I mean if you’re not too busy... and like, it wouldn’t be like a date-date

-or anything. -Sure. It sounds fun!

Yes!

-Ew! Gross! -Billy! What are you doing?

-Jerk! -Come on, you guys. It was an accident.

(SIGHS) You really disappoint me, Spencer.

-Mallory, wait! What’s your problem? -Dude, Mallory's cool,

but she’s no A-lister.

You were about to make a career-killing loser move.

Consider it another favor from B-Joe-Co.

Shanila, please go to the Shorties with me.

I don’t have a date and I’m freakin’ out. Will you go with me?

-Please, please, please, please, please? -I’d love to!

-Thank you! Oh, thank you! -Oh, no! I can’t.

-I loaned all my evening gowns to Rajeev. -Hmm.

So now what, Mr. Arm Candy? The Shorties are in less than an hour

-and I’ve got zilch! -We’ll find someone, Cesar Bromero.

We just gotta dig deep and... (GASPS) Groupie alert!

I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier! My groupies!

I love you, Billy!

Let me in, Billy!

-(LAUGHS) -(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Dude, I wouldn’t exactly call them A-listers.

My groupies have followed me around so long

they’re practically celebrities themselves.

(SIGHS) Fine. What have I got to lose?

Uh, excuse me, miss, but would you like...

Beat it! This is our spot.

You can go worship Billy Joe somewhere else!

-Go away! (GROWLS) -Go away! (GROWLS)*

Ladies, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not a Cobra fan, I’m a Cobra cousin.

-This is my house! -Are you serious?

-Wow. He sort of looks like him. -(SNIFFS) He smells just like him!

(GASPS) He’s adorable!

Maybe we should become your groupies! (GIGGLES)

That’s not happening! Get your own fans, groupie-stealer!

-BILLY: Sup girls? -(ALL GASP)

Why settle for a distant relative when you can have the real deal?

(SHRILLS SCREAMS)

-BILLY: Whoa! Easy, girls. Easy, easy. -That’s it. I’m done.

(PHONE KEYS BEEPING)

Hey, Jeevster. So, you still interested in going to the awards with me?

Cool. Just, please, do not wear any more of those ridiculous outfits, okay?

-(MURMURS ON THE PHONE) -Sweet. See you there, buddy.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Huh...

Hello, handsome!

What did I say about ridiculous outfits?

Uh, excuse me, this Louise Bulgari original

with cinched mermaid bodice

and sweetheart neckline is totally this season!

If you think this is ridiculous, then you, my good fellow,

need to go back to fashion school!

Man, those groupies were persistent. But I outsmarted 'em.

Left them at a waxwork museum.

Whoa! You’re bringing him to the awards?

Yes. Who cares if he’s not a celebrity? He’s my friend.

(SNIVELS)

Your funeral, buddy. At least the dress is this season.

Thank you! Finally, someone respects me!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for,

the Shorty for the Best Short goes to...

Spencer Wright for Singing in the Grave.

-Whoa! Yeah! -SPENCER: Coming through.

-Hey! How you doin' this evening? -Well done, son.

(APPLAUSE)

Wow! What an honor. There are just so many people to thank.

-Hey! -Who is this young lady?

This is my star, Rajeev, who helped me realize

that it doesn’t matter how famous you are, it’s what’s inside that really counts.

-Oh! -(GIRL SCREAMING)

He's here!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Where is he?

Hey!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(QUIVERS)

Well, I guess you can call me Morgan Showalter, Junior.

(MAN APPLAUDING)

Really incredible.

-MALE VOICE 1: Amazing. -MALE VOICE 2: Amazing!

(APPLAUSE)

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

-A star is born. -So, my career's gonna be all right?

Your career? Who cares? Rajeev is blowin’ up big!

I always knew this guy was destined for the A-list.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!