Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

-And Billy Joe Cobra. -He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yeehaw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

Eat My Brain With a Side of Fries, cemetery scene, take one!

Okay, Billy, on my cue, throw ten pellets into the fog machine.

And action!

Cue the smoke, Billy!

Wait! Too much smoke!

(BOTH GROAN)

Cut! Uh, how many pellets did you put in?

Ten?

Come on. You know you can't stay mad at me. Look at this puppy-dog face.

Thanks to you we're outta commission until I can get my camera fixed.

You need to learn to count.

That is a bangin' idea, brotown! I'm gonna go to school

and get my learnin' on!

SPENCER: Dude, I wasn't serious. ‘Sides, you already come here every day.

Oh, sure! But just to hang out. I don't ever take advantage

of all the resources like the... What do you call those old people

-who talk all the time? -Teachers?

Yeah!

And the rectangle-y thingies with the words and the pages?

-Books. -Yeah!

Come on, Spencer! We don't wanna be late for our first...

Yo, what are those things in the rooms with all the people?

-Classes? -Oh, yeah!

Today's lesson is about world capitals. Which of you youngsters can tell me

the capital of Indonesia?

I know! I know! I know! It's Jakarta! Jakarta!

-Is it Jakarta? -Yes, Spencer! Well done!

Whoo!

How did you know that?

I'll never forget Jakarta.

It was on my Southeast Asian tour. I was having a bite to eat...

(GULPS)

...when I got arrested for spitting.

Here's one of my favorites. For extra credit,

who knows its Latin name?

Lethocerus indicus? That's one buggin' bug.

-Lethocerus indicus? -Correct!

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

SPENCER: Hmm.

You don't even wanna know...

(AUDIENCE CHEER)

(BUZZES)

Wow, what a day! I've only been in school for six hours

and I'm already a million times smarter than you.

You just got lucky. You've traveled a bit, you know, picked up a few names of things.

You can't help it if you're average, or slightly below average,

-and I'm the next Dilbert Einstein. -It's Albert Einstein, dill weed.

So where to next? A little WiFri action, maybe, to toast my superior intellect?

Nuh-uh. Home. I got a pantsload of homework.

Ah, yes. I guess you struggling students have to work hard not to fall behind.

You know what, Billy... Hmm... Actually, I'm looking forward to doing homework.

-Yeah, 'cause it's totally awesome. -Yeah? Calvin Coolidge! Let's hit that!

I don't wanna go to the stupid WiFri. I wanna do homework! Now!

-I got your homework! -Billy, come back!

Dude, you are smoother than a smooth-peanut-butter smoothie.

But, don't you think you're kinda using Billy?

Spencer would never use a friend! Would you, Spencer?

I'm not "using" Billy. You know, I'm just taking advantage of him.

Yeah, and those are two totally different things. Right, Spencer?

Actually, now I'm starting to feel a little bad about tricking Billy.

Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to him. Slaters.

"If a 500 watt current is fed through a three-hundred-watt circuit,

"what is the result?"

Hmm.

-(MIC FEEDBACK) -(ELECTRICITY SURGES)

Circuit overload. So much for science. Let's check out the mathletics.

I don't know this! If I blow it, Dispencer might take away

my homework privileges!

Ha!

Whoa! Digital crunkfest!

The relationship between an object's mass and acceleration...

-Billy! -Hey, Brohann Sebastian Bach.

Sorry I swiped your homey-work. Here it is!

You did all this?

-Mm-hmm. -I can't believe you stole all my fun!

You are never doing homework again, Cobra!

Oh, yeah? Try and stop me!

I'm gonna do all your homework for the rest of the year,

and there's nothing you can do about it!

(CHUCKLES)

Very impressed with the quality of your work lately.

What's come over you?

Well, Ms. Rumsfeld, I can't take all the credit for it. I have to confess,

-I've had a little help. -Help? From who?

From you, of course. Your teaching really inspires me.

Oh, Spencer.

-(GROANS) -(STEAM WHISTLING)

Dude, I'm serious. Let me do some homework for a change.

-Stop hoggin' it. -No way, Brorito. I'm having too much fun.

Okay!

Salty.

And here comes my daily dose of A plus.

F?

But... I...

I would have given you a lower grade if I could.

This is the worst thing I've read in 80 years of teaching.

Valuable lesson, brotato. You mess with the Cobra,

-you get the fangs. -You did this on purpose?

(BILLY CHUCKLES)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Cobra! (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS, GROANS)

(GASPS, YELLS)

Spencer! Please report to Principal Ponzi's office immediately.

(GIGGLES)

Sorry.

I get like this sometimes when I'm very happy.

You see, your disruptive behavior coupled with your failing grade

has placed you in the Danger Zone. (LAUGHS)

You're kicking me out of school?

Of course not.

(EXHALES)

School rules say I have to give you one last chance.

So, I'll kick you out tomorrow, after you fail my special test.

-Special test? What's it on? -Who knows? Could be anything.

-But that's not fair! -No, it really isn't.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Sorry, cosbronaut. This is on me, but I was just payin' you back

for playing me like a chump trumpet.

I'm sorry, too. But I only played you like a chump trumpet 'cause you acted like

such a tool sandwich.

Well, I only acted like a tool sandwich 'cause... Oh, I don't know.

-Sometimes I just can't help myself. -Dude, I am so hosed.

What am I gonna tell my parents? Where am I gonna go to school?

Hey! You're gonna ace that test,

'cause the Cobra is gonna help you cram for it.

But how? We don't even know what the subject is.

So we'll study everything! Are you with me?

-I guess so. -I can't hear you!

I guess so!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Yes! We did it!

(SPENCER SNORING)

Well, Mr. Wright, I hope you've used your study time wisely.

This chamber is totally soundproof and encased in concrete.

No one can get in or out. You're completely on your own. Good luck.

I'll get a head start on cleaning out your locker.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Don't worry, Broducus-Maximus. We've studied every subject known to man.

"The Life Cycle of the Giant Tubeworm of the Marianas Trench."

Eh, except for that one.

(SNORES)

Uh-oh.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Rise and shine, Mr. Wright! It's time to face the sweet, sweet music.

Let me know what school you end up at. On second thought, don't bother.

Huh? No! This can't be! You're 100 percent correct!

(GRUNTS)

How did I do that?

Your BFF took a quick trip down to the Marianas Trench

to pay a little visit to our tubeworm buddies.

Wow, Billy! You totally saved my bacon. Thanks!

Eh, what can I say? It's just what I do. See, the Cobra's like a superhero,

but more super and more hero and...

(SCREAMS) Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! It's disgusting!

(GROANS, SCREAMS)

So, we're set for tonight, right? Wrath of the Asphalt Baby?

That DVD's gonna be DV-diculous!

Ninety-five minutes of cheesy special effects,

-bad dialogue and horrible acting! -Awesome times!

Speaking of awesome times, get ready for some E-fun

with Principal Ponzi.

Just a little payback for giving me detention yesterday.

(CHUCKLES)

What's this? Ooh! "Baby Pandas! Must See!"

Aw, precious!

MALE VOICE OVER COMPUTER: These adorable little cubs

are only a few weeks old,

but look closely and you might just see one wave at you! Closer. Closer.

Closer...

-(GROWLS) -(SCREAMS)

Spencer! (PANTS) Huh?

The Legendary Beverly Beverly High Official Rule Book?

Ooh. this is good. Oh, yes, yes, this could work.

If you think this is the end of it, Mr. Wright, you're wrong!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

"Beverly Beverly High School is dedicated to turning bright,

"upstanding young people into the leaders of tomorrow.

"And what we mean by that is, no weirdos allowed! If you're a weirdo,

"you will be expelled."

Harsh. Good thing I'm not a weirdo.

Oh, no? How about the time I caught you arguing with your dessert

-in the cafeteria! -(SPENCER GROANING)

Say it!

All right! You're the greatest singer of all time!

PRINCIPAL PONZI: And then, there was the drinking fountain incident.

-(BILLY GARGLES) -Hey! Not funny! Cut it out!

(GARGLES)

There's a word that springs to mind... Weirdo!

-Read it and weep! -Wait! I can prove that I'm not weird.

Follow me around for as long as you want. Come to my house. Whatever!

If you see anything freaky, kick me out. If not, I stay.

Hmm. Your house, you say? If I recall, your mother made one heck

of a lasagna al forno for the last PTA meeting.

She'll make it tonight! Come for dinner!

-Well, if you insist. -Great. You'll see... Or you won't see.

Because there's nothing to see.

-Spencer Wright is going down! -Nothing weird!

Broman! Did you know that one of the special features on this DVD

is the parking attendant's commentary?

-Tonight's gonna be epic! -Forget it. Change of plans.

What! Why?

Ponzi's coming for dinner. He's trying to prove I'm a weirdo

so he can kick me out of school.

Huh! No problem! I'll just serve him up a slice of this.

Ha! Yeh! Ha!

-And he'll go running home to Mama. -No! No ghost stuff!

Everything in this house has to be mega normal!

Mega normal? Yeah, I can do that!

(SPENCER GRUNTS)

Mega normal!

-(DOORBELL RINGING) -Huh?

Hey, hey! Principal Ponzi! Please come in! We were so excited when Spencer told us

he won an evening with the Principal at the school charity auction!

Charity auction? There was no... I mean, of course! Yes!

The charity auction! I'm certainly not here to spy on your son!

Just behave as you always do and I'm sure I'll get what I want...

That is, I'm sure I'll get to know you better.

What's with the suitcase?

You're not gonna try and sell us a vacuum cleaner, are you?

Did you forget to tell your parents that the prize was actually a sleepover?

-Sleepover? -Sleepover?

And for breakfast tomorrow, it would be so nice if you wouldn't mind

making that delicious coffee cake you donated to the last bake sale.

Um, sure. (CHUCKLES)

If you'll do the honor to follow us, please.

-Your parents seem quite nice. -Yep. Nothing weird about them.

Let's hope not. Because if they're weird, I'm gonna have to conclude

that you're weird. And you know what that means.

We'll set you up in the Freaky Tiki Room.

The house used to belong to our distant cousin, Billy Joe Cobra,

the famous musician!

Yes, I've heard of him, though I'd hardly call him a musician.

Say what?

Unless, of course, you call that off-key screeching music.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) Hmm? Okay, mega normal.

Hmm?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

It's just a traditional welcome greeting dance.

Well, dinner will be in a few minutes.

We'll just leave you alone so you can get settled.

(LAUGHS)

Smile, Wright. You're on camera!

And if I see anything the least bit strange,

it'll be recorded for all posterity.

Nothing weird, nothing weird.

Best karate training ever!

-Intruder! (GRUNTS) -Huh? Ah!

(GRUNTS)

Jessica, meet Principal Ponzi.

Hmm. I don't think he looks like a monkey's butt.

Okay, next time, you're allowed to intervene.

Yes!

Lasagna al forno! Spencer said it was your favorite.

Hugh, no toys at the dinner table.

It's not a toy. It's a replica of an Apache A87 attack helicopter.

Dad's an aircraft engineer, so this is part of his work.

Some imagination on this kid. I'm actually a...

-Chief engineer to be precise. -So why are you here?

Is it 'cause my brother's a weirdo who talks to himself?

She's got a real sense of humor, this one!

Of course none of us talk to ourselves, because we're just a regular family.

Would you like to see some of my customized topiaries?

-I call this one Mohawk Myrtle! -Very interesting.

I guess you could say living in Billy Joe Cobra's house

inspires a lot of creativity in this family.

Really? No offense, but I don't see what's inspiring

about an over-hyped pretty boy. What a loser!

(GRUNTS)

Thanks for calling me pretty.

That's it, Billy! Go to your room!

Glen, what happened?

That's what I'd like to know.

Ugh!

A faceplant in the lasagna? Really?

Hey, is that Asphalt Baby? Dude! We were supposed to watch that together!

-How is it? -Brodacious. You want in?

Okay, just for a few minutes. Ponzi's busy washing the lasagna

out of his wig, so we should be safe for a little bit.

-Cool! -Cool!

MALE VOICE ON TV: I don't care if he was made of asphalt.

He was still my son and I loved him.

Now they're gonna use him to pave a driveway.

Or build a parking lot.

Isn't it awesome?

PRINCIPAL PONZI: It's awesome, all right! (LAUGHING)

Oh, Principal Ponzi!

Surprised? Whoa! (GROANS)

I was just...

Talking to yourself? Yes, I know. And I've got it all right here

in "weirdo-vision"! I knew you'd slip up eventually!

-Mr. Ponzi, please... -Don't bother. You're kicked out, weirdo.

Mr. Ponzi, you're making a big mistake. Please, let me explain.

We're not weirdos! We're mega normal! (GRUNTS)

Hey, Brometheus, what is this thing?

That's just the school rule book. Who cares?

Rules, what a concept! They sure got a lot of 'em too.

Dress code rules, attendance rules, parking rules...

They even got a whole section of rules for teachers.

Wait, what?

(BOTH LAUGH MANIACALLY)

What a day, what a day! I get to expel Wright,

and his mom gives me one of her scrumptious cakes!

How's the cake, Glen? Nice and moist?

Glen? That's Mr. Ponzi to you. And didn't I expel you?

Have you ever read this book all the way through, Glen?

It's pretty interesting.

Fascinating. Now please leave, unless you'd like me to call security.

Section nine, paragraph one, "Any faculty member

"or school administrator who accepts gifts from students or their families

"will be terminated immediately." Care for another slice?

But I... You... This is... I'm not... Fine! You can stay! For now!

But I'm warning you, if you think I'm through with you, Wright,

you're wrong! Wrong, Wright! You're wrong!

Oh, and by the way, Billy Joe Cobra has more talent in his left nostril

than you've got in your whole family!

-Ha! Billy Joe Cobra is a hack! -I wouldn't have said that if I were you.

And why not? What are you gonna... Whoa!

Have a nice day, Glen!

Just mega normal!

PRINCIPAL PONZI: Spencer!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!