Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

And Billy Joe Cobra.

He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

BILLY: Dude, that's my ghost!

(BEEPING)

SPENCER: The Amazon, second most ginormous river in the world,

and home to a terrifying beast known only to the locals as...

-(SLURPING) -Billy!

Oh, sorry, dude, but I'm sweating like crazy out here,

and you're hoggin' the only shady spot in Beverly Hot, Hot Heights.

Since when do ghosts sweat?

Maybe since they decided to turn the sun up to 11!

(GROANS)

Yo, why don't we head indoors for some AC-does-it, huh?

No can do, my amighost.

I promised my MeTube fans that Fatal Fins would be online tonight.

-(SLURPS) -Hand me my star.

BILLY JOE: (LAUGHING) Is this supposed to be a man-eating fish?

Dude, this guppy-puppy couldn't wreak havoc

on a soap bubble.

That's where the special effects magic comes in.

-HUGH: Hmm. -He didn't mean it,

-Bubbles. Huh? -Talking to a fish!

Classic sunstroke behavior. Better drink plenty of fluids, son,

-or better yet, join me for a dip! -No, no, no! I'm shooting.

You know when it comes to your movies, son, I'm your biggest fan.

But hurry it up! I'm grilling like a frankfurter!

-(HUGH SOBBING) -(BILLY SLURPING)

Oh, man, a little face time with the pool would be so good right now.

(WATER SPLASHING)

Billy! Come on, man! This thing's precious.

(BILLY HUMMING)

-(WATER BUBBLING) -(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(TEETH CLANKING)

(GROWLS)

-(BILLY SCREAMS) -What?

-Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! -SPENCER: Cool!

-Get it off! -This is gold!

-(BILLY SCREAMING) -SPENCER: More shaking, Billy!

-He's trying to eat me! -Oh, come on, dude.

A fish can't eat a ghost.

(BILLY GROANING)

Tell that to him.

-And... cut! Nice job, Billy! -(VIDEO CAMERA BEEPING)

What kind of goldfish is that anyway?

-(BUBBLES GROWLING) -SPENCER: Uh...

I don't think he's a goldfish anymore.

-He's a Billy-cuda, huh? -Say whatski?

When you were sweatin' it up back there, some of your ectoplasm must've leaked out

and turned old Bubbles into the most awesome movie beast ever!

What can I say? I've got the touch.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: In the quiet hours before dawn,

the evil creature rises from the deep.

(BUBBLES GROWLING)

(BILLY SHUDDERING)

-(GROWLS) -(BILLY AND SPENCER GASP)

(WHIRS)

And... cut! That was killer!

-HUGH: Spencer! You finished yet? -Huh?

Just finishing up, Dad! Quick!

-Let's get Goby Dick out of the pool. -(GROWLS)

-(BUBBLES GROWLING) -What?

Your old man is set to get wet! Ho!

-Billy, do something! -HUGH: Ha!

HUGH: Ho! (GRUNTING)

Ha! Ha!

(GROANS, SCREAMS)

-(GROANS TEETH CHATTERS) -(SPENCER GASPS)

-(HUGH GROANS) -(TEETH CHATTERING CONTINUES)

That's right, Dad... (SIGHS) ...it's probably best to stay inside.

We better take a closer look.

Get the fish out of the pool, and be careful!

Don't worry. (CHUCKLES) I'm keeping my tender ghost flesh away

-from those choppers. -Not you!

Be careful with the fish! Bubbles is our star!

-(GRUNTS) -SPENCER: Last one.

(SCREAMS, SIGHS)

All done, Dad.

Now, let's just cool this place down so you can stay indoors and relax.

(SIGHS) Ah, you know something, kiddo? We make a pretty good team, you and I.

-Yep. Sure thing, Dad! -(AIR CONDITION WHIRRING)

BILLY: Come on, fish lips.

You want a piece of the Cobra? Take your best shot!

(GROWLS)

(CHUCKLES) Gotcha!

-(GLASS CREAKING, SHATTERS) -(BUBBLES GROWLS)

-(PANTS) Any luck? -We're gonna need a bigger bowl.

-(SIGHS) Oh. -JANE: Look out, pool,

here I come! (LAUGHING)

-BILLY: Hmm? -Uh-oh. That's Mom.

She's gonna want to go for a swim. Not good!

(SPENCER PANTING, GROANING)

Put your swimsuit on. You can be our fourth for water polo. (LAUGHS)

-Think fast! -Water polo? In the pool?

-No, in the sink, genius. -No!

Uh... I mean, it's so hot out there.

Might as well turn up the AC and have some good old indoor fun, huh?

(CRACKLES. WHIRRING)

When was the last time this family did

any of those great indoor things we like to do? Like, um...

uh... playing charades.

-(WHIRRING CONTINUES, SPUTTERS) -(GROANS)

Everybody stay calm! I'm on it! (CHUCKLES)

Uh... Let's see now. Uh, uh...

This wire attaches here.

-Uh... Put the spring here. -(SPENCER GROANS)

-HUGH: This thingy here, and presto! -(AIR CONDITION WHIRRING)

-(WHIRRING, CRACKLING) -HUGH: Oops.

(GASPS)

Okay! Who's up for water polo?

Wait! You can't... go out without...

-sunscreen. -He's right. Everybody, lotion up.

Huh!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROWLS)

Hey, fishy! Ever had a bite of dolphin tail?

(PANTS) Like what you see? Boo, boo, boo, boo... Ow!

-So, you got him yet? -Just about.

-HUGH: Here we come! -Huh?

They can't go in the water with that thing! It'll rip 'em to shreds.

-Billy, quick! Suck up the water! -Hmm? With what?

-Uh... -(BILLY GROANING)

(SPENCER GROANS)

(SPENCER GROANING)

-(BUBBLES GRUNTING) -HUGH: Come on, Wright family!

-(GASPS) -(BILLY SQUEAKING)

HUGH: Ha! Ho!

(LAUGHS, GRUNTS)

Whoa! What happened to all the water?

Huh? What? Oh, come on! (GASPS)

SPENCER: Uh... You know, it must have evaporated!

Wow, talk about a heat wave, right? (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna fill 'er up.

So she ought to be ready in, I don't know, 18 to 20... hours?

Oh, you know what, why don't you guys go and open dad's meat freezer

and, uh, stand in front of it?

-JESSICA: Oh, shucks! -JANE: (GROANS) Oh!

(SQUEAKING, SCREAMS)

(COUGHS, GRUNTS) I think someone peed in the pool!

Never mind that. Where do you think that fish went?

-JANE: (SCREAMING) Get away... -(SPENCER GASPS)

JANE: ...you scary, horrible, squishy...

-(SCREAMING) -SPENCER: Uh-oh! Come on!

I'll go high. You go low.

Fine. But this is no way to treat a star.

(GRUNTING)

JANE: Go away! No!

(SCREAMS)

-Mom, look out! -(JANE SCREAMING)

-(BUBBLES GROWLS) -(SCREAMS)

(SPENCER GRUNTS)

I didn't know that salmon swam upstream

through the pipes.

(BILLY GROANING, SIGHS)

Well, gave it the old Cobra try. Wanna hit the WiFri?

-No WiFri till we get that fish! -(JESSICA SCREAMING)

Nobody messes with me when I'm doing my ponytail!

(GROANS)

-(GROANS) -(THUDS)

(GASPS, GRUNTS)

-(GRUNTS) Yeah! -Mom!

Spencer won't stop with his special effects! Make him stop!

(GROANS) You're supposed to be helping me!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You're gonna owe me a ton of smoothies for this!

-HUGH: Holy mackerel! -Huh?

HUGH: We got a fish in the pool!

Hmm.

Let me give it a try. I've caught a fish or two in my day.

Hey! Get your camera, son.

Maybe you and your old man can do a fishing show on that Internet thingy.

-(SPENCER GROANING) -(VIDEO CAMERA BEEPING)

For bait today, I'm using the bass-ackwards herky-jerky lure.

It's got great action that really makes the big ones bite!

-(VIDEO CAMERA CRACKLES) -SPENCER: Dad!

-The little one's got some fight in him. -(SPENCER GROANS)

But don't worry, I got him right where I want him!

(BOTH GROAN)

(MUFFLED GROAN)

-(BUBBLES GROWLING) -(POLE CREAKING)

(POLE CREAKING CONTINUES)

(CREAKS)

-(GROANS) -(HUGH AND BILLY GROANING)

HUGH: Whoa!

-(GROWLS) -(BILLY GASPS)

Dad, look out! (GRUNTS)

(THUDS)

Good job, son. We make a heck of a team!

What am I, invisible? Oh, yeah.

-Ooh. Sorry about your camera. -SPENCER: Mm!

Ah, it's okay, Dad. Some things are more important than movies.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BUBBLES SQUEAKING)

-Welcome home. (LAUGHS) -(BUBBLES SQUEAKING)

-He's a feisty one, isn't he? Huh? -JANE: Hey, guys! Smile!

-(HUGH GRUNTS) -(SPENCER GROANS)

-(SPENCER CHUCKLING) -Wow!

I could've sworn that fish was much bigger.

Must be this heat. Hey, who's up for pool charades?

-Me! (CHEERING) -Me! (CHEERING)

-Shark... Jaws! Two for me! -(JESSICA LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: From the depths of the Amazon River...

-(GROWLS) -SPENCER: ...he came

-to terrorize a family. -(GROWLS)

(TEETH CLANKING)

(GROWLS)

Coming soon, Fatal Fins, Part One.

-"Part One"? -Sure!

-Oh, come on, we gotta make a sequel! -(FLY BUZZING)

It started as a common housefly,

but after a dose of radiation, it became Fatal Wings!

-(BOTH CHUCKLE) -Now you're talkin'! Grab the fly.

Here comes the ecto.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-(GROWLS) -(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man! I take it by your girly scream that you like my new monster mask.

-(LAUGHS) -Not bad, Franklin Broosevelt,

but it could use the Cobra touch.

And viola!

You know it's for a horror movie, right?

No way. This mask is way too good-looking for that.

I'm seeing an action-bromance! (SMOOCHES)

Here's the pitch. Okay, there's this really hot guy.

Let's call him "The Cobra," okay? And he has this catchphrase...

-KLEET: Banzai! -(SPENCER GASPS)

-Ooh. That's not bad actually! -SPENCER: No, it's very bad!

BILLY: Hmm?

(GROANING, LAUGHS)

-(SLURPS) -Kleet! What are you doing?

-(KLEET GRUNTS) -(BOTH GASP)

-You're wearing my dad's bathing suit? -(BILLY GROANS)

I invited him.

Kleety and I met at the Beverly Heights Academy

-of Muscle Excellence. -(KLEET CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, who'd have thunk a swag-less monkey

like you would have an elite athlete for a sister? (LAUGHING)

-Do my front, would you, babe? -Ah-han.

(SQUEAKING)

(GRUNTS, GASPS)

Just hit the Ignore button on that fart-knocker, will you?

We gotta stay focused on my movie.

Okay, so who do you think should play my love interest?

(SLURPS) Hmm. Let me see.

No! Maybe there's, uh...

(SCREAMS) No way!

-Take a dip, loser. (LAUGHS) -(JESSICA LAUGHS)

-Enjoy your loser-pool, McLoser! (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

-Found her! -(GOAT BLEETING)

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

That was just a little phase I went through. (WHISTLES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

So, I'm playing you in this movie, right?

Of course not. You're playing a ninja-trained weapons expert,

trying to save the world from an alien invasion.

-(BILLY GRUNTS) -(RAJEEV GASPS)

(BILLY GRUNTING)

He also happens to be freakishly handsome. They call him "The Cobra."

Hi, Kleety! I washed your workout clothes like you asked.

-(VIDEO GAME PLAYING) -(GASPS, SNIFFS, SIGHS)

Spring fresh. Nice work, babe.

Ha! (SNIFFS, CHUCKLES)

See you after school, Kleety.

(SNIFFS) Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

Jessica, trust me, you don't want to hang out with Kleet.

He's a moron and a bully.

You're just jealous 'cause I have a popular boyfriend

and you're a loser who can't get a date and sits in his room talking to himself.

-She's got you there, homes. -(SPENCER GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES) Just kidding.

-(KLEET SNIFFS, MOANS) -Kleet, straight up.

You're not interested in my sister, are you?

I mean, she's just a little kid.

(LAUGHS) Are you serious? That little shrimp?

I was just lettin' her be my groupie, 'cause I like the VIP treatment.

(LAUGHS) But now that I know she's your sister,

I'll be hangin' out with her a whole lot more, swimmin' in your pool,

eatin' your chow, usin' your toilet and forgettin' to pick the seat up.

(LAUGHS) 'Cause nothing makes me happier than messing with you.

Loser!

-(GRUNTS) -(THUDDING, CLATTERING)

Want me to school him, ghost style? Maybe loosen the wheels on his skateboard?

No. No, it's cool.

Mom and Dad aren't gonna let Jessica hang around with some high school kid.

Especially one as annoying as Kleet, right?

-Twenty-six... -(LAUGHS)

-(KLEET GROANING) -...27, 28, 29...

Hey, buddy! Here's Kleet! Why you never invited him over before?

He's a regular fun factory!

Yeah, buddy! And I don't know why you're always raggin' on your 'rents.

I think they're pretty cool!

Hey! I don't rag on my parents!

It's okay, guys. I think he loves you deep down.

-...80, 81, 82... -Son, I need you to help Kleet move

all the furniture out of the room. He's turning it into a home gym!

-What? -JANE: He's designed

a year-long workout program for us!

And I'm gonna be here every day

-to make sure they're doing it right. -Huh?

Hey, why don't we kick things off with some family touch football?

-(ALL CHEER) -Oh, wait.

I gotta help Spencer move all this stuff.

-Oh, shucks! -HUGH: Oh!

Spencer can do it by himself.

Great idea, Hugh. Spencer's not that much of an athlete anyway.

-Tell me about it. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

-Wait. What? You, too? -No way, man.

The guy's a major tool. But touch football does sound pretty cool.

(IN FEMALE VOICE) Football, football, yeah, yeah!

Football, football, yeah, yeah! (CHUCKLES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-(SLURPS) -(SOFA CREAKING)

Come on, bro, push it! Feel the burn!

(GROANS) You could help, you know.

I am helping. By supervising.

-(BILLY SCREAMS) -(THUDS)

Feel the burn?

Whoa with the crankitude.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, buddy. It's just Kleet.

Gotta find a way to get him out of here.

I got it! We knock him out, stuff him in the trunk of your limo,

and dump him in the desert. Problem solved!

-Uh... -We... we... we take him up in your plane,

and when we get up to cruising altitude...

-Uh... -Okay, okay, I got it!

We smash him up into tiny little pieces and then feed him to some bears.

Take her easy, riga-bro-ni. Once you let him in your head, he wins.

-Let's stay zen and focus on my movie. -Oh!

-The one we're not doing? -(IMITATES) "Oh, the one we're not doing?"

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

Hey, loser, shut the door!

-You're letting the steam out! -What are you...

-It's like 200 degrees in here! -(CHUCKLES) Duh!

Wouldn't be much of a sauna if it wasn't hot.

Are you insane? Get out of my room!

Yeah, I'm gonna hit the showers before dinner.

-(GRUNTS) -Later!

Zen, buddy. Zen.

(SCREAMS)

My beautiful face. (WHIMPERS)

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Melted it! (SOBS)

-Zen, Billy. Remember? -Forget that noise!

Kleet is goin' down! Down to Chinatown!

(SPITS)

It's okay, Kleety,

you don't have to eat your greens if you don't want to.

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Oh. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)

(KLEET HUMMING, GROANS)

(KLEET GASPING, GROANING)

(GROANING CONTINUES)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GROANING CONTINUES)

(GROANS, GASPS)

(DRIPPING)

All right, young man...

(BOTH LAUGH)

-(KLEET GASPS) -You want a food fight? You got one!

(ALL SQUEALING, LAUGHING)

Got any ideas?

Yeah. We take him up in my plane. When we get to cruising altitude...

KLEET: Banzai! (LAUGHING)

-Whoo! (LAUGHS) -(BILLY AND SPENCER GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

-Aren't you getting bored? -(CHUCKLES) Of ruining your life? No way!

There are so many different ways to do it. (CHUCKLES)

So many things I haven't tried yet.

Like that. (LAUGHS) It just came to me, and I did it.

(LAUGHS) What'll I do next? Maybe this.

-(BELCHES, LAUGHS) -(THUDS)

Whoa! Man, someone had a big breakfast.

Hey, Kleety. Made you your favorite. A meat smoothie!

Good call, babe.

This "babe" thing is actually driving me nuts.

Eh, probably doesn't know her name.

Back when I was a star, if I didn't know someone's name, I'd just call 'em "dude,"

-or "my man," or "sweet stuff." -(SLURPS)

-Aren't you gonna say thanks? -Oh, yeah, whatever. Thanks, babe.

No, no. Thank her the right way. With her name.

Buzz off, loser. You're blocking my sun.

You don't know her name, do you?

(STAMMERS) Uh... My smoothie! (WHIMPERS) My smoothie!

Of course he knows my name. Don't you, Kleety?

Babe, you don't really expect me to remember the names

of all the girls who are into me, do ya?

(GASPS) You don't know my name?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, come on, babe, don't be such a drama queen. (SLURPS)

By the way, this is a little chunky.

Would you mind putting it back in the blender?

JESSICA: (GRUNTS) Hi-ya!

(GRUNTS)

(THUMPING, BANGING)

(GROANS)

-Out! -What's going on?

He's never setting foot in this house again!

-Now, honey, let's not get crazy. -(GRUNTS)

-Uh... You better go! -(HORNS BLARING IN DISTANCE)

But we can still get our pump on at my health club.

Ugh! Sounds lame.

SPENCER: Huh!

(KLEET GROANING)

-(CHUCKLES) -(CHUCKLES)

(KLEET WHIMPERS)

-(WHIMPERS) -(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

RAJEEV: Where are those aliens?

They will pay for what they did to the beautiful Cobra's face!

-(GRUNTS) -Cut! (LAUGHS) Man, I like it.

Yeah! Good compromise, bromigo.

You get your sci-fi horror, and I get my Cobra flick.

And I get to use this wicked cool sword! Yeah!

Uh-oh!

Oops. (CHUCKLES)

Gotta go!

Zen, Billy. Remember?

(BILLY SCREAMING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!