Original subtitles

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

I shall resist the temptation to make tiresome comparisons with my sponsor,

after all I have no desire to hurt anyone's feelings,

and my friend here is about to become one of our nation's heroes,

he must have learned the news,

he's been selected to go to the moon,

he's not very excited about it,

either that or his trousers are too tight again,

before we launch our brave little explorer,

we have a training film to show him,

you may watch too.

Oh,

no, before that,

you know what I drank down there?

I dreamt I I bought a monkey,

it was,

I was down at frank's place,

oh boy,

you know, I dreamt I was down at that bar down, at frank's place you know,

there was a the sailorl they had these rings in his ears,

and he had this ape, this monk,

one of them chimps, oh I dreamt I paid him 500 clams.

-500? -Oh don't worry honey was only a dream.

The way we're fixed Leo, it's a nightmare.

Oh I know, but, I was standing there and he bring it,

what, what's the matter?

My sainted aunt Emily.

Looks like a donut, but it ain't.

I�m still dreaming I�m still dreaming...

But when I wake up and it'll be gone.

And our savings, where will they be? All right Leo get up,

and get out, dream that you're finding that sailor,

dream that he takes back that monkey and gives us back our dough.

But you don't understand honey,

he wasn't that kind of guy.

All right then I will.

-I�ll find him, would you say who was that when you met him at Frankie�s? -Yeah.

I�ll track him, then taking advantage of a poor drunken slob like you,

500 for a dirty monkey.

But you see, honey, he he said it was an act,

you wait, it can draw.

That's where we blow the whistle on him fraud,

false pretenses, money back or here come the cops,

hey monkey,

monkey, what are you doing?

stop that monkey,

stop that, Leotard you get rid of this animal sailor or no sailor, money or no money,

take him to a zoo sell him to a pet shop,

there's no room here for a chimp.

Relax will you honey, besides she ain't a him she's a her.

Oh it's a her, well all the same, she should have her mind washed out with soap.

But look that's a pretty classy drawing and you know,

what they say one picture's worth a thousand words.

Oh it is, is it? well why don't you call in the boys or have it put on a picture postcard maybe.

-Oh no, not me, you don't. -Ah come on honey you're spoiler.

-Your own wife, married legal, make a show of money. -Oh you know,

I never asked you to act like that.

-Leo one of those days you're gonna get just put your ass... -Yeah but that was art and you ruined it.

Vandalism.

It's spoke.

And why not?

Emilia Maria Trevitari.

-But they say you were Mambe... -Mambarilla, the jungle genius.

How do you do?

A woman, notice.

Well you said there's no room for a champ.

Less for a woman.

A chimp a woman honey, what's a difference? she's a goldamine.

Well I don't dig it.

Maria, you you put that back on you know,

I mean don't let nobody ever see you without it,

but your meal take it same as, you get your cut,

but to all the world you're a monkey,

ah honey come on, be reasonable.

-She gives me the shivers. -She's gonna give you a minko one of these days,

now look sweetie you know as well as I do that we're going nowhere,

with our mine, we didn't act, there's just not a chance,

but with her in the act, I mean a chimp that,

-can draw is that an attraction or ain't it? -To me it ain't.

Oh right now, we're not even drawing tries,

but with her world jam the place will have to,

stand in room only, and as for those pictures she draws,

five bucks ten bucks a piece we can get for maybe,

and people just buy them,

just to show to their friends, to show that they haven't,

-don't you believe me? -No.

All right we'll give her a try out,

we'll give her a try out before the pros in the troop,

sure,

they'll tell ya.

Go ahead, turn around, hop on there thank you very much,

sorry folks, sorry not to let you close,

If one of you has got a cold the ape get galloping consumption delicate you know.

Divine, beautiful, magnificent,

a work of art,

-a thing of beauty. -Stick to your cat's Magnifico.

-That's what I�m doing tigress nothing else but... -Oh cut the baloney.

Your slave, I'll do what you say.

What do you say, an attraction?

The monkey, talk to me about lions, tigers, leopards,

- women. -But look, a work of art.

For me the original.

My personal congratulations mr Thorby,

you've got the goods, that goldmine.

-Thank you. -Yeah you got something there Leo say that,

-but do you have organization? have you got capital? -Oh I�ll work it up Benny.

Now look, this the rifle range at pace see, I got the doe,

-and I got the know-how, with me as a partner... -No thanks, Benny enough.

-Sell it out right, cash down. -No sorry, sorry.

Maybe I can persuade you.

Ben, I can persuade you.

This is business, stay out Think it over.

Nobody, I prefer to go in alone.

Honey what a rehearsal, it was a dream,

Maria sweetheart,

those guys fixing the tent stuff,

hey're, watching us their eyes popping out of their heads,

the thing is I,

I wish you was in it with me Carol I really do,

after all it's,

it's always been you and me,

doing it together.

So now it's you and her?

Any actor, I don't care how intellectual, needs a dame.

-To do what, cheer? -Well cooperate a bit maybe.

Cooperate? that's the word,

when a woman hears it, she wonders what she's in for,

well, what do I do besides living with a monkey?

- I konw it's difficult. -Playing second fiddle to a freak.

-I�m gonna work something out... -Well come on tell me,

what are we gonna work out, what do I do for it?

It's a tear in a costume, uh, some dog,

rushed out and took a bite out of her and ripped it.

What's the matter? she can draw, can she sew?

Well you see, it's in the back of the leg where she can't get at it without,

taking off the whole costume, and who knows, who come barging in here.

Okay.

Let's have it,

some dog, what was, it a chihuahua?

put your mask back on you look better that way,

cover up I said.

-Anyone home? -Quick, quick,

quick, come on, get rid.

Uh, come in.

Hello Torby,

well as the lady asked me in?

Oh come on Romeo,

even get plastered again?

But there's no show tonight, it's Monday, would you like one?

Oh no, no, thank you very much.

I can understand that you're afraid the lines, will bite your head off,

if you take a drop, same thing happens to me when I take a drop.

If you get stinking drunk I�m not...

Whether or not, I do these days.

If you have any trouble with him beautiful you just,

step across and you tell al Magnifico all about it.

She'd like to, but it's coming out to rain.

Well you know, actually, I came over to ask you,

if you've got a little something for the stomach.

-This is it. -Oh no, no, I�ve had such a pain all the afternoon.

-I�ll take a look. -Oh thank you very much.

I drink to genius,

you're nothing but an ape but a genius all the same.

Now she can draw?

do anything you like,

but let me tell you something, if you don't see it, she can't draw it,

no so,

artistic integrity,

you know, I went to someone and I said to her try and draw an elephant,

she tried, made some marks, you know,

dead in, no elephant. Didn't see it, couldn't drive,

then this guy comes along leading that elephant out of Sami�s action,

she takes one look, grabs a piece of chalk,

one two three,

-spell it. -Great, great fantastic.

Here, try these.

-Oh thank you very much. -If she sees some pics,

-if she don't, next. -Well that's wonderful, well good night.

-If you feel bad later... -Oh a doctor pal better than a nurse, don't go out,

-in the rain, honey, Stay right here. -To watch you drink yourself so stupid?

-Not so stupid maybe, -Well good night dear lady.

Oh stop snoring,

back monkey,

back, back.

Hey what's so funny, what's your joke? let's have a look,

hey,

what's that supposed to be, my wife with that Magnifico, is that the idea?

Too bad, you didn't stick to mind reading bad, you might have read the headlines.

Yeah, we'll see about that, come out.

-He isn't there Leo. -Come on out. -He isn't in there.

Yeah?

-well I know where she is. -But Leo listen, you don't understand.

-Hey shut the door, I�m dressing. -Dressing and packing.

What, packing what? -You're out, you're threw,

you know what you are?

Leo, you've drunk yourself crazy, you're mad.

Good and mad. Boy you're getting packed and getting out, I�m putting you on that bus.

-What bus? -Get rid of you,

now, this is yours, this where's the other bag?

what's gotten into me? all right, I�ve gotten wise to you, sneaking off,

last night after I fell asleep, you and your lion tamer?

Me and him? it's a lie.

Yeah, you were seen, seen, how else could the monkey have drawn you? Now slippers, where are those shoes?

Leo, I swear to you I never set foot outside this trail, you know me I�m not a liar.

Leo I swear. I swear, I swear. I never set foot outside, this trail.

Other might get in these shoes, come on, you're getting out.

Como on, get out. Out!

-Leo... -Get out! I said keep moving it. Go!

Magnifico...

I�m taking these things for him, that's what I�m doing as reed question,

bird's feeding his cats while he's gone.

Gone? where to, when do you leave?

Last night they took him Burton Fred,

hospital, ruptured appendix when you didn't hear about it.

-Appendix? -Ah horrible agony,

rolling around outside there.

Last night?

well that means she...she couldn't possibly have...

And they got him cut open, rest and easy,

no visitors and let's see he wants his dew,

pajamas, his bathrobe,

tooth brush, his hairbrushes combs...

So that's your game is it,

-that's your little game. -You never have shaken her out, with you,

men are so quick,

she's gone, she's out, like you said,

out, out and you and I...

Have I been done.

Never mind, that's over, and now...

You were the one that put the mud on her shoes, weren't you?

oh Carol...

Carol...

the rightful god.

sure,

seeing you in that skin all the time I more than have forgot you wasn't a monkey.

I know.

Of course,

you're a woman.

A woman.

Come in.

Well...

-There it is. -I might have known.

You know Benny, guys like us who've,

been in show business half our lives,

but the biggest suckers of all, we believe anything.

Listen, the figures I gave you was for a genuine chimpanzee.

You wanted the actor brings in the dough, didn't you? there it is.

Me? are you selling me?

-Oh no. -Listen Benny, if you don't want to buy,

I say somebody else often is for you,

if you don't want to play along you say so,

and I�ll dump you out on that road, when the school lets out,

there are some pretty tough kids in that school.

-Okay. -Where which is it?

See? I had it typed up, the doe,

the percentage, you sign here, I sign there,

and you,

put it on and keep it on.

-Any news yet? -No, no, written up three times and haven't gotten an answer.

Letters can take a while to catch up with the person.

Yeah that's true but, sometimes when they, do catch up you get to brush up all the same.

Letter from Carol yet?

no answer to other letters?

not a word from Carol eh?

-Look bad, isn't it? -All wrong monkey, take a look at this.

Had the idea to write a certain outfit in Chicago and it,

caught up with us, see, she never got the others,

so she's coming back to me, yeah,

she's coming back to me tonight on the last bus,

and I�m having a celebration, got a little snack got a bottle of champagne,

her and me,

so draw a picture of that, monkey.

Yes Carol, one moment,

be right there,

Benny,

-what is it? -Take.

Like you said Leo, she couldn't draw it unless she'd seen it first.

Yeah, but...

Benny I,

I had nothing to do with Lena...

Tonight's story had a very happy ending for Maria,

she went to Paris to study painting,

and is doing very well now,

under a different name of course,

to lose something or other,

as for Ben, his was a happy ending too,

except that it has been delayed by a 25 year sentence,

and speaking of interminable sentences,

I shall return after this one.

I don't know how it happened,

he simply outwitted me,

I�m afraid to ask who's going to the moon now,

so until next week, or later, good night.