Original subtitles

Good evening, and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents,

the feature is about to commence,

please don't be alarmed we are not charging admission,

this is not pay TV,

as usual, all we ask is that on those,

occasions when you can't view our show,

that you let us know so that we can send it to someone else,

please don't be a no show.

This is not a hold up,

I wish to dramatize the title of tonight's play,

tonight's story is called: Bang! Your Dead,

despite the fact it has been introduced with my usual flippancy,

it concerns a very serious subject,

and I would be doing it a disservice if I led you to regard it lightly,

now I must hurry into the theater,

I don't want to miss the beginning,

fortunately I have a minute to find my seat before the feature starts,

for it is preceded by an unselected short subject,

it's the management's way,

of discouraging those who might stay through more than one show.

BANG! YOU'RE DEAD

-Where'd you get it? -Birthday.

-How many bullets you got? -A box full.

There...

-What a cheesy gun. -Can I try yours? -Nah...

-Please... -No, go on home.

Can't I get in the war too Stevie?

This is our war I told you, go on home halftime.

-Hi. -Hi. -Jackie, here's your uncle Rick home from the wards.

I’d know him if I met him in the jungle,how are you Jackie?

-you got your own war on? -They dont wanted me in their war.

Oh they won't huh?

Jackie, uncle rick was in Africa yesterday,

-wonderful gadget the airplane. -Rick...

-You made it. -Sure did sis.

Hey, what's going on here?

You think you're the only one that had trouble with the natives? Oh brother...

What on earth is that?

Well that is what the well-dressed witch doctor,

is wearing it's a little something I picked up for you, Johny.

You're home for good really?

Well it's a little tough to do business in a country that's blowing sky high.

-Rick... -Oh thanks.

Ah peace it's wonderful,

now that little item was all that was left, just one incident,

-you might say that it uh, had its bug pass. -Pass, uh?

Well there's no place for an innocent... I’ll tell you,

that going to sleep every night with a gun under your pillow,

it leads to a certain amount of insomnia.

-Well, better days... -And nights.

Where is that Cleo? nobody's even started the canapes.

But she'll be here honey.

Oh I didn't do it, now partner.

Show Rick is room Fred. I’d better call,

oh Rick, if you could have stayed on, we wouldn't have rushed you into a party.

Maybe you can make friends and influence people.

Well I’ve got a couple of connections up North but I can be bought.

-All right, where am I? -I’ll show you uncle Rick.

Lead on Wild Bill.

That thing gives me the old-fashioned Willie.

I must say I don't care for it next to the olives,

conversation piece.

Bloodbath.

-Have a transfusion. -No answer,

I should have told Cleo to come at a regular time,

but it's not her regular day.

Nope, I never did meet Tarzan I guess he must live in another part of Africa.

-Okay forke over. -Okay

-There you go. -Gee thanks uncle Rick.

You're welcome Jackie,

say I’ve got a surprise for you that'll really knock your eye out for,

you just wait left to the party.

Can't I have it now?

Nope.

How's it going?

-Okay between shakedowns. -Take, drink it while it's hot. -Thanks.

We've got to cheer Amy up she thinks the mage falling down a man holds up place.

Daddy, uncle Rick’s got a surprise for me.

Well it's a fine decent good-hearted uncle that's what he is,

why don't you unpack for?

-after you. -I'll right back Jackie.

Well I guess it's as good as way as any to work up the people,

I tell you if you could just see it or hear it you'd,

wish you were six years old again shooting honest engines,

this is probably a museum piece.

No offense but it probably ought to be in a museum.

How could you left an hour ago and still not be here it only takes for 25 minutes.

-Hand swap. -Pf course I know how the buses are,

I just can't help being upset I’ve got guests arriving in an hour,

don't bother me honey,

yes I know Jackie, please,

well let's just hope Cleo arrives soon,

thank you so much, goodbye.

-No luck? -She left an hour ago, it's my fault I should have picked her up.

But don't fret honey, I have limitless confidence in Cleo.

-Honey... -What? -I have a strange feeling something's wrong.

-Intuition. -I don't know, I hope nothing's happened to her.

-Jackie... -Run along honey, go out and play.

Yeah why don't you go outside see if you can bring down a real-life mate, huh?

Thanks to the surprise uncle Rick.

Surprise?

He thanks me in advance Josie has a very trusting spirit.

I brought him one of these uh massage feather hats,

-still out in the car isn't it? -well you know I want to get in the whole picture.

you know old story type telling uncle.

If you get him off of this western kick, I’ll be glad for a change.

Stick them up!

-put them up. -Now just a minute Billy the Kid.

I’m not a rebel soldier, I’m the united states mail,

and it's against the law to shoot me.

-what you want? -Nothing I’m just practicing.

Tell you a secret, the real big stuff's down at the post office,

registered mail, jewelry, gold, watches, money.

Money, I got a lot of money, see?

Uncle Rick gave it to me I’m going to the store.

Great, run along now and buy yourself a 20 cent belly,

I gotta crank up the stage and get,

going before the engines get me, okay?

-Sure, bye mailman. -Bye Jackie.

I thought I’d give Amy a sneak preview, does this...

something wrong?

Yeah...

-Hey you gotta feed it. -What?

Dimes in the slot there, fight him cowboy.

You're sure he isn't playing in your backyard Judith?

all right, no no I’ve called the Davidson’s,

of course something's wrong, he's got his uncle's revolver with live ammunition,

he thinks it's a toy.

Did you look at the gun he had?

I told you mr Chester, it's a cap gun, he wanted to get in,

our war and I wouldn't let him I told him to go home.

Then you didn't see him when he came out again?

No sir, I was over Gary...

I called everybody I could think of no one's seen him since lunch.

That settles it we call the police right now.

I’m gonna go call the police.

The mailman said he saw him heading for the supermarket climb in, hurry.

Honey, the horsey's got a customer, can't you see?

now come on now, don't give daddy a bad time come on.

How about it friend, give us a fast ride just once around the corral?

-I got here first. -I know I know but give us a break, huh?

you know how women are and this one's murder.

-I got here first. -I want to ride the horsey.

Yeah, well here, look pal,

-there, will that make a ride? -I got here first.

Daddy...

Come here.

-Hey that's my horse. -I know I know and I’ll put you right back on him in just a minute.

-Horse thief. -Yeah well don't be too hard on the sheriff.

Here you go Darlene, down.

Okay, run along kids, go to the public library.

Keep that on this job, uh?

see you on television,

-George Webster on register 7 please. -Coming.

I know how busy you are, but I’m just beat down to a nub, we should have got,

this done last week, but we just let it go and let it go you know the way...

-What can I do for you? -Oh she's looking for cartons, big cartons.

All the cartons we got are back.

Oh I saw those, they won't do, but you do have some in the back room that,

are just perfect except they're full of dog food or something...

-Excuse me please, have you seen... -Just a minute, please.

this is a true, you see we're all making puppets for the camp craft...

-I'm sorry but this is important... -So was this.

I said just a minute lady.

Therefore puppet theaters we cut out the front...

I’ve got to find my little boy.

Check with the manager please, at the desk number six.

-Excuse me...

-Just a minute please. -Can I have your driver's license please.

All right I’ll take you to the cashier on number three.

-Yes ma'am. -Would you please make an announcement,

my little boy is around here someplace with a...

Jonathan, yeah,

how many cases?

-Hands up. -Oh come now, you wouldn't shoot a girl wouldn't you?

Sure I would, watch.

How that?

More?

that's why your outlaws are so mean, you're always hungry,

never saw an outlaw shoot anybody on a full stomach,

now you tell your mommy we have six different kinds of jiffy snacks,

all she has to do is open the can, okay?

what's your name?

-Jackie. -Bye Jackie. -Bye.

Please, please this is an emergency I want you to make an announcement.

You want to ride this pony, you take your turn.

Your attention please, we have a missing boy named...

...five years old, wearing a straw cowboy hat,

his mother is waiting here at the desk on aisle six,

Jackie Chester, five years old please send him to the desk on aisle six.

I just saw him down there.

He was sitting right there loading his gun.

-that's a real bullet. -Yes, it is.

-Jackie, Jackie this is mother... -Somebody just saw him out in the parking lot.

Jackie...

-Any luck? -He's out here somewhere, somebody just saw him.

Come on.

Did you hear that?

over there.

Jackie...

Who's that? -Me.

Where's everybody honey?

I don't know.

Stick them up Cleo.

I got no time to play games sweetie pie,

your mother's probably fit to be tied.

Uncle Rick gave me this you can put bullets in it, just like real.

Did he tell you all about Africa?

-Tarzan doesn't live there. -He moved? -I don't know.

He probably got himself all crippled up swinging all the,

trees the way he does found himself a nice quad cave.

-Nobody will play war with me. -I’ll play with you tomorrow.

-Stick them up Cleo. -You put that down Jacky,

I told you I can't play now.

-Make me. -Why you little rascallion, huh.

if I get my hands on you Jackie I bet I’ll...

-I ought to have my head examined. -That won't help us now.

I don't know what happened my mind just went blank or something,

if anyone gets hurt is Jackie.

Sitting here crucifying ourselves is not gonna solve anything,

let's go call the police.

Stick them up Cleo.

Okay, you go ahead and shoot me.

-You tell mom? -Sure I’ll tell her.

I’ll tell how you tormented me with a cowboy gun,

and wouldn't mind me for some apple.

-that's what I’ll tell. -I'll shoot you Cleo, I’ll shoot you,

It's all right, I made my peace so almighty,

go on, blaze away,

-Cleo... -It's a real gun...

Mommy, mommy.

After an experience like that,

you need something to break the spell,

and I have just the thing,

I shall rejoin you in a moment.

On rare occasions we have stories on this program,

which do not lend themselves to levity,

Bang! You're Dead, is the case in point,

we only hope that this play has dramatized for parents,

the importance of keeping firearms and ammunition out of reach of children,

accidents of this type occur far too frequently nowadays,

and the tragic fact is that with proper precaution they could be avoided,

that is all for tonight,

please join us next week, when we shall return,

with another story, until then good night.