Original subtitles

- I am about to place my fate in you, my jury.

Yes, you out there,

sitting on the couch with your remote control,

gathered around the glow of the modern day fire.

You see, since I was a kid, I imagined my life as a movie.

Imagined a crew surrounding me, filming my every step.

So it's totally appropriate that you, my audience,

will decide guilty or not guilty.

But before you do, please, weigh all of the evidence.

Shit.

[toilet flushing]

- What are you looking at?

- Another one bites the dust.

- Just feed me, man, I'm hungry.

- So how does it feel?

- You mean does it bum me out

to watch seven of my homies die?

Or am I happy to finally have the tank all to myself?

- Yeah, which?

- What do you think?

Now feed me, bitch.

- [Male Hamster] Come on, feed me, feed me, feed me.

- [Female Hamster] If you don't feed me,

I'm gonna eat him.

- [Female Hamster] I am so dizzy.

- [Male Hamster] More pellets, more pellets.

- [Brown Cat] Can't you see we're starving?

- [Red Cat] You were supposed to feed us five minutes ago!

- [Plants] It's about time.

- [Male Plant] Don't you give a shit about us?

- [Female Plant] Why do cats always get fed first?

- [Male Plant] Tap water, no Evian?

- [Ants In Cadence] Find food, find food.

Find food, find food.

- [Ant] Sound off!

- Daddy, where's my drink?

- Can you think of another way to ask that?

- Please, please, please, please, please.

Daddy.

- Another fish died, Shaq Number Seven.

That just leaves Shaq Number Eight.

- Poor fish.

- Yeah, poor fish.

- More cereal.

- Okay kiddo, have a good day.

- Kiss off?

- Kiss is off. - Good.

- Good morning, it's 11:30.

It's a beautiful day out, clear and sunny.

Rise and shine.

[gentle piano music]

[piano music fading]

- You never run your hands through my hair anymore.

- Why do you do that?

- What?

- Why is it when I'm doing something nice,

you point out how I never do anything nice?

- That's not a good habit, is it?

- No.

- Can you believe we still have ants?

- Yeah, I called the service.

How'd you sleep?

- I had to take two Ativans.

Then I was up again at four for about two hours,

took another.

- A little gin and pot, too, I noticed.

- Don't start with me.

I had a tough night.

After you left I started meditating.

And it suddenly hit me.

What happened to me,

I always thought of as happening to a seven-year-old girl

or thinking about how it happened

to someone the same age Walt is now.

But last night it really...

I started thinking about how it happened...

to me.

Not a seven-year-old girl in a picture.

It was me.

[sighing]

- You wanna lie down?

- Oh [sobbing] yeah.

[crying softly]

- I wish I knew what to say.

- Talk to me like it was Walt this happened to.

- I will always protect you.

What happened was wrong and terrible.

No one should ever hurt someone as special as you.

As wonderful as you.

You mean everything to me.

You're smart and lovable, talented.

I will always love you.

Always.

[keyboard clicking]

- I know, I know.

Nobody sympathizes with someone in a Mercedes.

But I can't help it, it's the car I drive.

I remember the first time I saw one of these SLKs.

I fell in love with it, it's the best car I've ever had.

So don't hold it against me, okay?

- Where does SpongeBob live?

A, under a rock; B, in a pineapple or C, Jurassic Park?

Over.

- B, in a pineapple, over.

- Correct, over.

- There's your coach, go get 'em.

Over and out.

["Judy In Disguise" by John Fred and his Playboy Band]

Which one's yours?

- Green shirt, yours?

- Oh, the one checking out the gopher holes.

[laughing]

Yeah, that's my boy.

So, so what's with the bellybutton ring?

- Oh, my last act of rebellion.

What about you?

You've got, uh, skateboard sneakers and what?

Pacific Sunwear shorts, what's up with that?

- Oh, I'm trying to become a 14-year-old.

You know what's so cool right now?

Boys' socks. - Mm.

- The only type of girls' clothes I ever used to wear

were my wife's socks 'cause they're short

and guys' come up to here.

- Oh I know, I hate that.

- Finally, short socks are in for guys.

My days of cross-dressing are over.

- Yeah, sure they are.

I bet you're wearing

red Victoria's Secret panties right now.

- Hot pink.

- Pink's cool, but the shirt has to go.

No logos, billboards aren't in.

And if those are your comic books,

you have taken the 14-year-old thing too far.

- Nah, studio wants us to turn these into a screenplay.

- So have you written anything I might have seen?

- Oh, we had a movie out last summer.

My wife and I write together.

She's sick today.

- Oh, it's goin' around.

So, what was the movie?

- Oh, it was just this, this bear movie.

- I saw that. - Yeah?

- Oh my God, when that black actor, what's his name?

When that bear jumped out and got him,

that I did not expect.

- Yeah, well it was a good popcorn movie.

- Oh, it was great.

I was so scared, I was grabbin' my husband's arm so hard

he had to tell me to ease up, it was great.

- I'm Mark, by the way.

- Danni, as in Daddy wanted a boy.

- Sorry to interrupt, members of the jury,

but I suspect that you're wondering by now,

have I already thought about having sex with her?

Well, you have to understand,

as I notice there are a good number

of female members in the jury, the truth about men.

Women like to think that they're the same as men

because they find themselves fantasizing about sex

with someone other than their spouse,

a la the handsome Naval officer in Eyes Wide Shut.

But ladies, for men, at least for me,

it's more of a second by second thing.

- What is SpongeBob's favorite food?

- Thank you for not wearing a bra.

B, Crabby Patties, over.

- [Walter] Correct.

- So perfect from here.

Going for the frontal view, don't let me down.

Oh, sorry about that, chief.

Yikes, Polanski-ville, not going there.

Okay, there's your coach.

Go get 'em, over and out.

Go get 'em.

Mayday, mayday.

Bellybutton ring.

Do I sit there?

No way, I can't sit there.

I have to sit there, sit there, sit there.

But I'm always that way.

My wife tells me her girlfriends complain

that their husbands, who are just in their forties,

can't get it to stay up.

I can't keep it down.

But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please,

don't judge me so harshly.

Thinking and doing are two different things.

Even Jimmy Carter, whose initials are the same as Christ,

for Chrissakes, even he lusted in his heart.

- So your son's into SpongeBob, too?

- Oh, yeah, SpongeBob in, Pokemon out.

- Yep.

Oh, did you know they're giving away posters

at KB Toys on Saturday?

- Oh really, that's great. - Mm, hm.

- Are you gonna take your son?

- I might go in the morning.

- And so I was looking for her, B-F-D.

She just seemed nice, that's all.

We talked the whole hour of practice.

She's nice, that's all.

- Dad, they're givin' away free goldfish at the pet store.

- Walt, we are not getting a goldfish.

- Hey, come on, can't I just look?

- Yes, you can look,

but I'm telling you we're not getting a goldfish.

We already have two cats and six hamsters

and I end up feeding them all,

so we are not getting a goldfish.

[water splashing]

What are you gonna name 'em?

- Shaq One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight.

- It's a good name.

Welcome to our home.

- Like everybody would be better off if I wasn't here.

If I was dead.

- No, look at me.

Look at me.

That's your brain trying to trick you.

That is chemicals in your brain

that are fighting against you.

- It's me, it's what's inside me.

- No, no, it's not really you.

You have an illness.

When you have the flu, your body is not what it normally is.

You don't look at yourself and think, this is the real me.

You think, this is me sick.

Well this is you, sick, and you're gonna get better.

- How?

I'm on every drug in the goddamn pharmacy.

- They're not working right.

We'll have to find something else.

Because you're vital to us.

Vital to me, we need you, we love you.

- You don't understand.

It's not like I'm just a little depressed.

- I know. - No, you don't.

It's agony, every fucking minute is agony.

Coming from somewhere inside me and I can't tell where.

It's like I'm going to fall into a black hole

and never come out.

- Don't let it trick you.

It's not on your side right now.

I am.

You have to believe me.

While she sleeps,

I often find myself watching old clips

from the movie of my life.

[gentle piano music]

Wow, it's beautiful.

- It's in case you ever lose your way.

- Oh, to our new house?

- Read the cover.

- Neh-so-we-toil--

[giggling]

- North, east, south, west,

you're the one I love the best.

- [Mark] Oh--

- It's true.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Thank you for the house.

[gentle chuckling]

Oh! [lamp crashing]

- After my movie's over, I stare at her.

In sleep she is so peaceful,

having found a refuge from all her sadness and fears.

Yes, go Walt!

- Hey, stranger. - Hey.

- Where you been?

- Oh, Walt was sick last week.

How'd we do?

- We won, four to two. - Woo hoo!

- Not that anyone's supposed to keep score.

- So you wanna do an errand with me?

It was my week to bring the drinks but I left them at home.

So I gotta go to the grocery store.

If you come with me, we can get chocolate.

- Okay.

- So, so how long have you guys been back together?

- Goin' on a year.

- Well, maybe it was good for you two.

A break.

- He's just so caught up in his work, you know?

I mean, he quotes Gordon Gekko:

"Money doesn't sleep."

- It's a good movie.

- He's gotten better about it now.

- Did you see other people when you were separated?

- Oh yeah.

- I've been married sixteen-and-a-half years.

So please tell me, what was it like

being with someone else?

- It was great.

I don't think it's natural to be monogamous.

But, you know, we do what we have to do.

- We got that bar in a gift basket from a producer after

he chose someone else to write the new Terminator movie.

It was good.

- Well, as long as it's dark chocolate.

If it's not dark chocolate, there's no point.

- Dark chocolate with almonds. - Even better.

[parents cheering]

[exciting music]

- Come on Walt!

Oh get up honey, come on, honey, get up!

Get up Walter, come on.

Come on honey get up!

[cheering]

- Way to go, woo!

Woo-hoo!

- Mark. - Hm?

- Your voice, it's so high-pitched, you sound like a girl.

Woo-hoo!

Good job, all right!

[cheering]

[clapping]

- Younger, taller, handsomer.

- She's not that good looking. - Who?

- Danni, her lips come together funny.

You talk about her so much.

[sighing]

- She's nice, that's all.

- I'm sorry.

I hate men with deep voices.

- I hate soccer.

[keyboard clicking]

- [Ringside Announcer] Welcome to Atlanta

and the main event.

- [Ringside Announcer] Like any woman,

our challenger refused to do the weigh-in.

- [Ringside Announcer] Right, age has definitely

been kind to her, she looks strong and ready.

- But she's yet to defeat the champion,

Frank Cantrell, AKA Step-Dad.

Age 62, weighing in at 165.

- [Ringside Announcer] And he's looking

a little the worse for wear, Chuck,

a pretty big paunch and those awful bow-legs.

- He's always been ashamed of those, Bill,

but what he loses in physique

he makes up for in sheer brutality.

He's been an unstoppable force to the challenger.

- [Ringside Announcer] Wait a second,

is that a cigarette in his glove?

- Incredible!

And I thought he was on the patch during training.

[bell dinging]

- No cheap shots, no low blows, no slow motion.

No animal sound effects.

Touch gloves.

Come out fighting.

- As usual, it's Carrie in Frank's corner.

A remarkable team and for the past sixteen-and-a-half years,

this man's been in Lorna's corner.

- Minus that six weeks when she went solo.

- That's just a bump in the road, Chuck.

But, what concerns me is this:

is he really up to the task

or will he get squeamish at the first sight of blood

and try to stop the fight?

- [Ringside Announcer] We'll know soon enough.

[bell dinging]

- [Mark] Hang in there, champ, it's on its way.

- [Walter] I've been hungry for like, 33 minutes.

- [Frank] Where's the bird?

- It's almost ready.

Would you like to know the menu, Lorna?

- Sure, Mom.

- Well, we're having turkey.

[laughing]

And fluffy cornbread stuffing.

Uh, crumb green beans.

[Lorna snapping]

Fancy sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.

Oh, my pies.

- A-ha.

- Sweet potato with old fashioned rum sauce and pecan.

- Can I have some pie or something, I'm hungry.

- After supper.

[kitchen timer dinging]

- Oh, my sauce, excuse me.

- You're gonna have to be patient, Walt.

- You said that 34 minutes ago.

- Okay, son, sit up in your chair and give me a break.

All right?

- You don't want me to starve to death, do you?

- [Mark] Put your silverware down.

[silverware clattering to floor]

- What, he said to put it down.

- I'll tell ya what he needs.

He needs his butt spanked.

- He's eight, he's hungry.

- I didn't let you carry on like that

when you were eight.

[light chuckling]

- He can't help it. - He could help it.

He's got you pretty well trained, I see.

Children need discipline, darling.

You don't wanna raise a brat.

Take it from me,

you better start now before it's too late.

- [Ringside Announcer] She's not answering that upper cut.

- Seems weak on her legs. [bell dinging]

- And there's the bell ending the round.

- Maybe they've just faced each other one time too many,

'cause I'm just not feeling the intensity.

The heat. [bell dinging]

- Frank, you do the carving. - Mm, hm.

- There, Walt, take this to the den and eat it there.

You can watch TV, go on, now.

I can't do this anymore.

- Do what?

- Pretend to love you.

For years, every time I've seen you,

every time I've picked up the phone and heard your voice,

I've pretended that everything was okay.

- Oh, for God's sakes, Lorna.

Let's just eat our dinner before it gets cold.

- Walt's eight years old and he wants to, what?

Hit him with his belt 'cause he's hungry?

Send him out to find a switch?

- I didn't say a goddamn thing about hitting anybody!

- I have not forgotten, right at this table,

you threw a plate of food in my face.

- Oh Lorna, you have the longest index finger

in the world.

- Don't you defend him.

Do you remember hitting me hard across the mouth

in an elevator?

'Cause I said you didn't need

to keep punching the button for it to work?

All of your so-called discipline when I was a teenager?

I started to totally fall apart.

- Oh, you never fell apart.

You were bumped up two grades.

Graduated high school when you were 16.

Look at your house!

You've always landed on your feet.

- I was falling apart.

Why do you think I left home when I was 16?

To get away from you, to save my sanity.

I remember you making me...

a fully-developed teen...

strip to my underwear and you beating me

for running away for two days.

You stopped, smoked a cig,

came back and beat me some more.

- I don't remember ever doing any such thing.

- Oh!

- Everything's always gotta be so dramatic with you, Lorna.

You are the heroine in your own tragedy.

- Sounds like you and your shrink

have had a lot to talk about.

Always blame the parents.

You wait 'til your son is an adult

and blaming everything on you.

Bunch of raging bullshit!

- You have never once owned up to what you did.

- Well, I don't know what you want me to say.

- You don't? Really?

I apologize, how about that?

- You are a grown woman.

Whatever happened, happened a long time ago.

I'm not about to kiss your ass.

- Where were you?

You were supposed to take of me and you didn't.

- You liked to worry us to death.

You know, with your drinking and your drugs

and your stayin' out all night with boys.

You were outta control and you deserved it.

- What about the stuff when I was five?

And six?

And eight?

What about that?

I remember coming to you for help, Mom.

Telling you I felt crazy, I wanted a shrink.

Sexually abused by Peter's friend.

And you, turning away and saying nothin' happened to you.

I took good care of you, yes, you are perfect.

That was always the message, Mother is perfect.

But I was dirty.

Whorish, unclean.

Groveling around down there in the muck.

That was how you wanted me to feel.

But I have perfection, perfect husband, perfect house,

career, friends, perfect life.

So fuck you!

Fuck both of you!

[grunting]

- [Ringside Announcer] A K-O in the second round.

No punches pulled tonight.

[gentle piano music]

[thunder booming]

- Do you know how I would've written it if it was a movie?

- Like a boxing scene in the Raging Bull.

- No, I would have left the room with Walt.

Taken the shotgun from the gun cabinet,

and then I would have made my way back downstairs

to the dining room.

[shotgun cocking]

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Oh shit.

[shotgun firing]

- Love you, mean it.

- That'd be a good scene.

A real trailer moment.

- But the Raging Bull idea is good, too.

[gentle piano music]

- I trust that you will come to understand,

those of you out there in your den or your bedroom,

why I am doing this.

Tonight was not the first time I'd heard about

what Lorna's brother's friend had done to her.

Lorna could handle her parents now,

but he was another story.

About a year ago, after kicking me out of the house,

then taking me back in,

Lorna told her physician that she was sleep-deprived.

The doctor said that chronic insomnia

was almost always a psychological issue

and she recommended a therapist and a psychiatrist

that specialized in medication for depression.

In the very first session,

her therapist asked Lorna if she'd ever been molested.

You see, the brain will do anything

to avoid dealing with trauma.

It represses things.

That doesn't mean that Lorna had forgotten

what had happened to her at the age of seven.

She told her mother about it when she was 15.

But, when the brain doesn't want you

to revisit the dark place,

it distracts you with backaches, neck pain, insomnia.

The brain has many weapons in its arsenal;

anything to avoid that place.

Yes, I admit that was me in the front seat,

the shotgun riding shotgun.

You see, after a few sessions,

the therapist suggested that Lorna write down

what had happened and how it had affected her.

"I remember the shower running, Peter in the shower.

"He's sitting on Peter's bed beckoning me over.

"I don't want to.

"I want to, I like the attention, special attention.

"I don't like at all the fear of being caught.

"The pain, the feeling I'm left with, I know it's bad.

"I feel some tiny bit clever 'cause I pretend to sleep

"and am a heavy rag doll as he tries to manipulate my body

"as he takes off my pajamas.

"He pulls the pants down around my ankles.

"I did make it a little hard for him

"and I'm pleased with this.

"He has never taken all my clothes off before.

"It's too much, too exposed.

"I remember him, Ralph Dell.

"Ugly, pimply teen with dark hair,

"brown eyes, maybe glasses.

"Suddenly my face pressed down and it's in my mouth.

"All I remember of him is that sick smile, his voice:

"Is that okay?

"Am I hurting you?

"Very quickly he is..."

- Very quickly he is spewing in my mouth.

I reel back, gag spit it.

Think it's piss in my mouth.

Then he pulls my clothes back and I open my eyes

and I think I just ran away.

Time up, shower stopped.

I think I just ran away.

[window shattering]

I don't understand what is happening to me,

but it is making me bad.

I have a secret.

A dirty secret I must not tell a soul.

Forget it.

So I do.

God I have a great husband.

- Wake up.

Wake up!

- What, oh fuck, fuck!

- Ralph Dell?

- Who are you, what do you want?

- Did you used to live on Hazelton Road?

Is that where your parents lived when you were 16?

- Uh, Hazelton Road, yeah.

- Do remember a little girl named Lorna?

- Who?

- Peter's little sister.

Do you remember her?

Of course you remember her.

- [Ralph] No, I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Who are you?

- Don't lie to me.

- [Ralph] What are you talking about?

- Don't even fucking lie to me.

- You put the gun down.

- Don't lie to me or I'll blow your fucking face off!

- I don't know what you want, I don't know what you want!

- Tell me you remember her!

- I remember her, Peter's little sister,

she was always hangin' around when I played in his band.

- And...

what did you do to her?

- Nothin', I didn't do nothin', man, I swear.

- Open your mouth. - What?

- I'm gonna help you remember.

- Fuck you.

- Open your mouth mother fucker or I'll pull the trigger!

- No, please! - Open it!

[wind chimes chiming]

Is that okay?

Am I hurting you?

Swallow this.

[shotgun fires]

You wouldn't convict me, would you, my jury?

Don't you think he did this to other children?

He could still be doing it now.

If it was your wife, your daughter, your sister,

you'd slaughter him too, right?

No, you wouldn't.

But you'd fantasize about it.

And you'd run it over and over again.

Like a movie.

But as much as I wanted to do it,

to drive there to shoot him or hack him to pieces,

as many times as I'd run the images

through the projector in my mind,

I could not open the cabinet.

So this is not the crime that you must judge me on.

- I didn't know how much it affected them.

Frank wasn't always like that.

It's just the stress of the business.

They seemed okay.

I'm sorry.

- You need to tell her that.

- It doesn't matter, she's so cold.

- Cold?

You don't know her at all, do you?

- We must've done something right.

I mean look at her.

She's so successful.

She married you.

She does so well.

I mean we musta done something right.

[keyboard clicking]

- You just remember it can all end in a snap.

- Yeah, yeah.

- And they put you in movie jail.

- Yeah, yeah.

- One minute I'm producing a movie for FOX,

I'm on a roll, I got the new Beemer.

Next minute it tanks, it's straight to movie jail.

Do not collect $200, do not pass go.

- Yeah.

- We need more gin!

- [Mark] Huh?

- Sweetie, you have to get us some more Tanqueray.

There's a bottle at the house and you're okay to drive.

[kissing] [Lorna laughing]

- Come with me.

- No, no, we're gonna [sucking imaginary toke]

- Here, this is Walt's.

- Oh, Walt, here.

Oh!

- [Mark] Careful, careful with that.

- I know!

Hey Annie, Annie, come here.

You don't smoke, right?

- No. - Okay, cool.

You guys go, bottle of Tanqueray, go!

Yoo-hoo!

- What a great house, how long have you lived here?

- A couple years.

- Yeah, how much did you pay for it?

- [Mark] I don't wanna think about it.

- Hey, I love your oven, does Lorna bake?

- Nah, not much.

- Well you two seem like a great couple.

I can't believe we hadn't met before,

though I do remember you from Casino Night.

- Really?

- You were, uh, you were in a tuxedo.

You looked very sharp.

Whoa, your shoe's untied.

- Oh, yeah.

My laces have been untied for years,

but, I haven't tripped on 'em yet.

- Oh, I'll tie 'em for you, I insist.

So I wanna ask you something, a hypothetical question.

- Well that's, that's the most dangerous kind.

- Do you think it's possible for two married people

to have sex with someone else just once

and afterwards just be friends?

- I think that's a hell of a question.

- 'Cause I'd really like to be friends

with you and Lorna.

- I don't think it's possible.

You know, someone always ends up telling someone,

or someone gets hurt

because they like the other person too much

or, you know, it's a chemical thing.

- It's just I've been married twelve years

and I've been thinking am I gonna have sex with the same man

for the rest of my life?

I mean the animal kingdom is not monogamous.

Except penguins, you know.

I saw on the Discovery Channel that penguins are monogamous.

- Oh, well, of course all penguins look exactly alike.

I mean once you've had a penguin you've had them all.

- That's good.

[light chuckling]

- I grew up in New Hampshire

and we used to ski every weekend.

And one thing I learned was not to ski the last run

because that's when the trail's really icy

and most people break their legs

and you'd be sledded down by the ski patrol.

- Oh, I don't follow.

- Oh, that's okay, I mean I'm ad-libbing.

It's late Annie, it's the last run, and I don't,

I think we better not go down the mountain.

- You're right.

Besides you have the perfect wife.

She's so fun and she's so alive.

And you don't wanna mess with a perfect marriage.

[light chuckling]

- So, President Calvin Coolidge and his wife

are visiting a government farm.

And Mrs. Coolidge sees this rooster, you know,

so she says to the farmer, she says,

how many times a day does he do that?

And the farmer says, twelve times a day.

She says, would you please tell the President that?

So the farmer goes to the president,

tells him about the rooster, twelve times a day.

And Coolidge says, same hen each time?

The farmer says no, no, a different hen each time.

He says, would you please tell Mrs. Coolidge that?

[laughing]

Don't shoot the messenger, it's a true story.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Absolutely.

- Woo, woo, woo, woo!

- Hey, speaking of, where have you guys been?

- Yay, hold this [laughing] thank you, thank you.

Whoop, oh shit!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You know we should probably think about going pretty soon,

Walt's got a game tomorrow.

- Oh, he's fine, I'm fine, we're all fine.

- I think you're a little too fine, honey.

- Well, so what?

This is the best I've felt for months.

- I know, but you have to take your medication

and you're drinking.

- I don't need to take my medication anymore.

- And I worry. - I don't.

Having it out with my parents helped a lot.

It was a relief, what?

You want me to be on medication the rest of my life?

- No, I don't.

- Well, I'm not sick.

Come on, come on.

It's Friday night.

Don't be a wet blanket.

- Yeah, don't be a wet blanket.

- Hey, Coach.

- [Coach] Yeah.

- Hey, listen,

I know this is a lot to spring on ya at the last minute,

but, uh, Walt would really like it

if he could play goalie.

- Has he been practicing?

- Yeah, I told him he had to

so we've practiced a little every day.

Of course I realize how each game really comes down to

if the goalie can stop the ball or not.

And since this is the last game of the season--

- Look, I'll put him in the last ten minutes

and I'll put our best players on defense--

- Oh, great.

- I don't care if we win or lose the game.

If he wants to play goalie he can play.

- Thanks, thank you.

[sighing]

Look, there's Steven Spielberg.

[parents cheering]

- Let's go, boys!

- Hey. - Hey [chuckling]

- That's the same shirt you wore the first time I met you.

- This?

- I remember.

I can't believe this is the last game, this is it.

- I know.

- Substitution Ref!

[whistle blowing]

- Oh shit, is it the last ten minutes already?

- [Coach] Walt, you're gonna be great.

[upbeat cowbell music]

- Okay, Walt, let's go!

- Lookin' good, Walt.

Stay in the middle of the goal and watch the ball.

Sorry.

[whistle blowing] [parents cheering]

["Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth]

♪ Now you're messin' with a

♪ A son of a bitch

♪ Now you're messin' with a son of a bitch ♪

♪ Now you're messin' with a

♪ A son of a bitch

♪ Now you're messin' with a son of a bitch ♪

[cheering and yelling]

- That morning my son the goalie was beaming

and I was the proudest father in the Palisades.

Woo, hoo, hoo!

Ah, see?

Told ya Mommy would be here.

You wanna stop and play?

- Sure.

- [Mark] Hello?

- Hi. - Hey.

- So, who's the second to the last boss?

- [Walter] Bowser, duh.

- [Boy] Doing good.

- [Mark] Hey.

- Hey! - Hey there.

- How'd it go?

- We won, Walt made three saves.

- That's great.

- Spielberg was there, his kid was on the other team.

- Did you ask Steve when he's gonna return my call?

I left a message in '97.

- Walt made three saves?

- They didn't score on him once,

it was unbelievable how he did in the goal.

- And we beat Spielberg. - We beat Spielberg.

[laughing]

You would have really liked watching him.

- I know, I didn't get any sleep last night.

- Yeah, I'm sure that pot is really helping, too.

- It's helping me, what about you, Steven?

- I feel fantastic.

- By the time I got there it would've been almost over.

- Well, he didn't play goal 'til the last ten minutes.

- I wasn't sure what field it was this week.

- I left it on the bulletin board.

- I couldn't get out there in the heat.

I don't feel good, okay?

- I thought it was just women who were always on the rag.

[phone beeping] [clearing throat]

- [Danni] Hello?

- Hi, Danni, it's Mark.

- [Danni] Oh, hi.

- How are you?

- [Danni] Good, hold on a sec.

- Okay.

- [Danni] There, sorry, I was just putting on a shirt.

So, what's doin'?

- Oh, nothing much, I just,

it's Tuesday and it's weird, no more practice.

- [Danni] Yeah, I know.

- I guess I got used to seeing you every week.

Well, the truth is,

I just really look forward to Tuesdays, you know?

It's sorta the day that the rest of my week led up to.

- [Danni] It was fun.

- Anyway, you know, I think I'd just kick myself, you know,

and thinking about it a lot later on,

if I didn't just come out and tell you, well,

maybe you can already tell.

But you probably have no idea how badly

I have wanted to hook up with you.

I'd thought long and hard about using the phrase hook up.

I determined it was best because, A, it's what the kids say,

and any years I could shed in this situation would help;

B, it didn't sound tawdry or revolting

nor C, too mushy, in fact,

I wish we'd had the phrase hook up when I was younger.

It's great

- [Danni] You have?

- Yeah, I mean, when I first met you,

I thought you were really hot-looking, beautiful-looking.

But then when we started spending more time together

and actually talking each week, I really,

I really started to like you a lot,

and I started thinking about you,

and now I'm really rambling because I can tell

this is going nowhere and I'm getting really embarrassed.

- [Danni] No, don't be embarrassed, I'm flattered.

But I can't do that, you know, I'm married.

- Right, right.

I guess that time when we were driving

you were talking about how being faithful wasn't natural,

it was just conjecture--

- [Danni] Right, I also said that you know,

you do what you have to do.

- Yeah, you did.

Well, maybe it was just the chocolate.

- [Danni] Ha, ha, yeah, definitely the chocolate.

- God, I'm so embarrassed.

- [Danni] Don't be embarrassed, it's, you know,

if I'd met you back when I was separated that--

- No, look, I'm just glad that you're not, you know,

pissed or repulsed by me.

- [Danni] Of course not, don't be silly.

- Well, then, tail tucked, I will hang up now,

and try to pretend like this phone call never happened.

- [Danni] Aw.

- I will miss seeing you.

Bye.

- [Danni] Bye.

- Oh, I'm such a fucking idiot!

["You Only Get What You Give" by New Radicals]

♪ What, what, what, what

♪ One, two, one, two, three, ow ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Wake up kids we've got the dreamers disease ♪

♪ Age 14 they've got you down on your knees ♪

♪ So polite we're busy still saying please ♪

♪ Frenemies who when you're down ain't your friend ♪

♪ Every night we smash their Mercedes-Benz ♪

♪ First we run and then we laugh 'til we cry ♪

♪ But when the night is fall

- [Danni] Hello?

- It's me again, I promise I won't be long.

- [Danni] That's okay.

- I just thought I should really try

and explain myself a little more, you know?

So you'd understand and you wouldn't think

that I was just some married jerk

that does this kind of thing all the time.

I have been faithful to my wife since we met in college.

And, well, I'm very aware of what I'm doing and why.

And, see, this past year-and-a-half,

it's just been really hard.

See, my wife is clinically depressed

but she stopped taking her medication

and so I'm having to do everything.

And, I really, I can't talk to anyone about it.

- [Danni] What do you do for yourself?

- For myself?

- [Danni] Yeah, what do you do for yourself?

Just for you?

- Nothing, I guess that's what I was looking for with you.

Something that's just for me.

I mean I know it came out like it was all about sex

and I'm sorry about that.

I mean I do think you're really beautiful and all that

but [sighing] I guess I need a friend who's just mine.

- [Danni] I could be your friend.

[upbeat music]

- We talked for over an hour.

It was so much better than a shrink.

A shrink gets paid to empathize and ask,

how did that make you feel?

Just like a prostitute gets paid to make you feel

like you've got a big, perfect dick.

But for some reason, I honestly don't know why,

Danni really listened, really cared.

With her, it was real.

And then it was back to reality.

[bright music]

- Hey!

- Hey.

- [Lorna] Hey guess what?

- What?

- I met Steven's drug dealer.

She's a little old lady from Pasadena [giggling]

it was a riot.

Gray hair, pint-sized, all the money she makes

goes directly to her grandkids' college fund.

I, uh, I bought an ounce.

I can't keep mooching off Steven.

Even he was starting to complain.

- I don't see how you can stand

spending so much time with him, he's such a blowhard.

- Oh I just tune him out when he goes on like that.

- He's a jerk to me, not that you'd notice.

- He is not, he likes you a lot.

[laughing]

- Oh bullshit, at his wife's birthday party,

he was being such an asshole.

Making fun of the way I told that joke

while he was putting his arms around you.

- He was drunk.

- He's always drunk.

And he's an asshole when he's drunk.

Ergo, he's always an asshole.

- He's not an asshole!

- If he wasn't your pot buddy, your drinking buddy,

you'd think he was an asshole.

- You know what that was about at Barb's party?

- What?

- She had invited Butch Tyler,

who she clearly wants to fuck.

And she made that big deal about

how couples shouldn't sit next to each other,

so she could sit next to Butch all night.

It's her 40th birthday

and she treats her husband with contempt.

So, yeah, he flirted with me,

and yeah, he got a little drunk--

- You always have an excuse for him,

you're so understanding of Steven.

- We're both going through a hard time right now.

He's out of work.

He's stuck in a rental and his wife's going around

looking at houses they couldn't possibly afford.

- See you don't get it, he's taking you down with him.

- Steven's not taking me anywhere.

I'm perfectly capable of bringing myself down, thank you.

- Why do you think he can't get arrested in this town?

Because he's a drunk, he is not sharp.

Would you trust Steven

to produce an 80-million-dollar movie?

50? 20? 10?

- Do you know what we talk about when we're together?

- What, I have no idea.

- Usually nothing, we just sit in his backyard,

we have a little wine, we smoke a little dope.

Stare up at the trees.

- Yeah, but what do you get out of that?

- A break, I just need a break.

You make me feel unproductive, you make me feel--

- Well, you are unproductive.

- Well yeah, I know that.

You think I like not being able

to get out of bed in the morning?

Not being able to write?

I earned half of everything we've got from writing,

and right now the idea of writing again

fills me with nothing but dread.

Just like coming home and seeing you fills me with dread.

'Cause I know all we do is get into it and argue

and I'm sick of it, do you hear me?

I'm sick of it!

- Where are you going?

- To pick up our son at school,

if that's all right with you.

And tonight I am taking Annie to the Comedy Store

to see JoJo's act.

- There's that meeting at Zach's tomorrow morning, remember?

- Yeah, I remember, I'm not stupid.

I'll be home at 10, Mother.

- Okay, wait, wait. - I have to get Walt.

- You got a couple minutes.

Look, I don't wanna fight.

I don't.

I understand why you just wanna sit and stare at the trees.

It's been tough going through all this stuff, it's no fun.

- No, it's not.

- I miss you when you're not here.

- You miss that I'm not working.

- No, no, I miss you.

I miss going for long walks with you.

I miss lunch at Marmalade's.

[sighing]

I miss writing a sexy scene and taking a break

and acting it out.

- I'm not going to drink tonight.

I'm going to get on a better schedule.

You can wake me up tomorrow morning at 9:30.

Okay?

- Oh. - Okay, okay, okay?

Okay.

- Okay.

Let's go get our son.

[school bell ringing]

- Hi Dad!

- [Mark] Hey, buddy.

- Hey Mom, hey Dad.

Can you pour mustard and ketchup on me like a hotdog?

- Hey, maybe, maybe, maybe. - Okay.

[funky music] [screaming and yelling]

Time for the pickles!

- [Lorna] On your foot!

- [Mark] Pickles, whoa!

- We should do this every day!

[yelling]

- Oh, stop!

[car engine]

[knocking on door]

- I'm going to bed.

- Well, where have you been?

- Uh, after we saw her act, JoJo wanted to go to this party.

Danny DeVito was there with his kids, great kids.

- Well, I don't think they were there 'til two.

- Oh, I wanted to go way before but.

She only had three drinks but they were doubles.

Anyway, I didn't dare have her drop me off

and then drive herself home, so I drove your car.

It's a really nice car, by the way.

- Thanks.

- Oh, she threw up in the driveway so.

- So, uh, I guess you need a ride home, huh?

- Yeah.

Are you okay?

- I remember my mom hosing down

my stepdad's puke off the stoop of our house.

I'm not going to become my mother.

- Well, I promise I won't go out with her again

for anything that involves alcohol.

- My birthday's Saturday. - Really?

And what do you want for your birthday?

- I don't know.

I do know, actually.

A progressive scan DVD player

with DTS and THX-Ultra decoding.

- Whoa, boys and their toys.

- [Mark] Yeah.

- Well, I can't give you that, but,

I could give you a blow job.

- Well that's certainly the best offer I've gotten so far.

- But you're from New Hampshire

and you don't ski the last run or however that went, so.

- Yeah, huh.

- Oh, I guess we'll just have to settle

for a pre-B-day kiss.

Good night.

- Shaq Number Four, I hardly knew ye.

- [Goldfish] Better him than me.

- Ah, my genius writers, dove Lorna?

- Oh, she's come down with the flu

so she won't be joining us.

- Oh, poor thing.

I'll have Kiyomi fix her up some chicken soup.

- Very sweet of you.

- [Zach] And, uh, you can take it right home.

Why did you make the secretary older?

- [Mark] A studio note,

they thought it'd be better if she was--

- [Zach] I don't care what they thought.

You let me deal with the studio, I'll protect you.

- [Mark] All right.

- Okay, now I'm not sure hashish is right for our girl.

It seems pretty tame.

- Yeah, I agree.

But we thought cocaine was too passe and heroin too much.

- What about ecstasy?

And that would get her in trouble with the firm

but it's not too much.

Ever done it?

- Uh, no, no, no.

I've never done anything more than pot.

- It wasn't around in my drug days.

It sounds right, though.

- I'm going to Book Soup.

Need anything?

- Uh, no thanks.

Brenda, Mark, Brenda.

- Hi. - Oh, I loved your movie.

- Well, thanks. - It was great.

- It was just a bear movie but for a bear movie,

it was pretty good.

- The best part was when that, uh, African-American,

I can't remember his name

and that bear came outta nowhere, it was creepy.

Anyway, nice to meet you.

- You, too.

- A-M-W.

[keyboard clicking]

I met her at this fashion show in Chicago.

So when she calls to tell me she's coming out for a week,

I say she can stay here.

Then last night we're in bed and she goes,

I'm not sure about goin' back to Chicago right now.

It's winter.

I might sign with this modeling agency out here.

And I felt my blood run cold.

I told her from the start, I am not the marrying kind.

Try to get that line in the script.

I'm not the marrying kind, I like that.

- Okay.

- Okay, look, if the studio tries giving you any more notes,

you tell 'em to go through me first.

We'll talk some more in a couple of weeks.

I'm going to Bermuda, Sting is letting me use his house.

- Nice. - Yeah, I know.

Every day I think about what I've got.

I was living on the street starting at 12 years old.

Now look at this.

I just hope they keep lettin' me make pictures.

- Oh, you'll be like John Huston if you wanna be.

Directing with an oxygen mask.

- Yeah, I love making pictures.

It's all I love.

- See, I'm not my mother.

I pay someone to hose down the puke for me.

Zach loved the laundry room scene you wrote.

- That was a good scene, wasn't it?

- Yeah, but he wants more of a shorthand between our couple.

- Peel back the layers of the onion.

He didn't say that, did he?

- No, thank God.

- We've been together forever, what do we talk about?

- I don't know.

Zach's going to Bermuda for two weeks.

- I know, we had our honeymoon in Bermuda.

We could have them talk about that.

Gag.

- I loved our honeymoon.

- No [chuckling] no.

I mean, gag, the characters talking about it.

I hate it in movies when people do that.

No, it was nice when we were there.

I still have a little jar of pink sand in my jewelry box.

But if you tell anyone I'll kill you.

- You remember how the hotel's name

began with the same letter as ours and so every night

we'd sneak out the engraved silverware

from the restaurant?

- You, you snuck out the silver!

- You, you, snuck out more.

[laughing]

- No, you kept hiding the towels.

You almost took the shower curtain.

Where did you get the soup?

- Oh, courtesy of Zach's cook. - Oh.

- He thinks you have the flu.

- Yeah, well...

I'm never drinking again.

- Don't say that to me.

- [Lorna] No, I mean it this time.

I don't wanna drink anymore.

- Well, how do you feel about ecstasy?

- What?

- I wanna have a small birthday party Saturday night.

And Zach wants our heroine to do ecstasy

and lose her job over it, so,

I just kinda wanna see what it's like.

Write what you know and all that.

- So who's invited?

- Boston told me he does X with Liz and they love it,

so I'm calling them.

Brad and Mary.

Maybe Brock and Danni.

- Fine with me.

Just don't like it too much, Clean Marine.

- Before our last game,

this fireball let it be known

that he wanted his shot in goal,

and AYSO is about everybody having a chance.

Well, this fireball went on to play goal

like he was born there,

making three incredible saves

that would've gotten by the best goalies in this league.

So will Walter please come forward?

[cheering and clapping]

[Mark whistling]

- There you go.

Hey.

- Hey.

Have you done ecstasy?

- Mm, once.

I liked it so much I decided never to do it again.

- Mm.

You wanna do some tonight?

- Sure.

[keyboard clicking]

- He's asleep.

- Then it's time for the party favors.

- Liz, any words of wisdom for us virgins?

- Uh, you're gonna be very thirsty.

Boss has a cooler filled with water bottles.

Should take about a half hour to really kick in.

Birthday boy.

- Hey, it has a little four leaf clover on it.

- They're magically delicious.

Danni?

- I'm just gonna drink.

- Okay, but you're gonna have a hangover tomorrow

and we won't.

Are you going to play with us?

- I'm not drinking. - Yay.

- [Mark] Remember, the first rule about X-club,

is that no one talks about X-club.

["Moving in Stereo" by The Cars]

- You're right there with me, aren't you?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

♪ It's so easy to play up your breakdown ♪

♪ It's so easy to fly through the window ♪

♪ It's so easy to fool with the sound ♪

- No poking, no poke-poke, boys always poke.

- Oh. - Just sway.

- Okay. - Let me do the work.

[heavy metal music]

- Hey, you look happy.

- I can't help it,

I've got this smile plastered on my face.

Are you guys feelin' it?

- Absolutely, we're talkin' about the Roman Empire.

- Yeah, good drugs, dude.

- Brock was telling me about how

the Roman persecution of--

- I gotta go.

- No, 'cause like there was no water.

- Yeah, that's right.

♪ Inside this fantasy

♪ It seems so real to me

♪ Synthetic ecstasy

♪ When her legs are open

♪ True life behind the wall

♪ Where men and angels fall

♪ A fading memory

♪ When my mind is frozen

♪ Frozen

♪ Right

♪ How long will I be here

♪ Without you near

♪ Because I'm so cold

♪ Break them first or I'll get broken ♪

- [Male Party Goer] Hey, where are the chicks?

♪ Is not what I was told

♪ Now I'm so cold

[women giggling]

♪ I'm so cold

♪ So cold

♪ Inside this

- Is this Californian or what?

- [Brad] Mm.

- [Mark] Or what.

- Man, we're lucky, our chicks are so hot.

- [Women] Aw!

- [Brad] Especially mine.

- Well, yours are bought and paid for.

When I first moved to L.A.

I thought you had to have a boob job

just to get a driver's license.

- [Butch] You do.

- I'm swimming.

[yelling]

- Oh my God, look!

[laughing and screaming]

- Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?

- I'm cold, I'm going in the Jacuzzi.

- [Mary] I'm with Lorna.

- [Mark] A line from the movie.

[gentle music]

Hi. - Hi, it's cold.

- Yeah.

- Go under.

[water bubbling]

[distant talking from Jacuzzi]

[water bubbling]

[breathing heavily]

Go back.

- Down boy, down boy.

Carl Yastrzemski, Bobby Orr, Larry Bird.

Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S.

There you go.

You guys sure you can drive home okay?

'Cause you're welcome to crash here.

Everyone else is.

- [Danni and Brock] No.

- Thanks, Dylan will be home from his sleepover early

and we gotta let the dog out.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Thanks for havin' us.

- Well, thanks for comin'.

Good night.

- Happy Birthday.

[sighing]

[keyboard clicking]

- I replayed that night in the pool over and over,

like a film loop.

[rock music]

[doorbell]

- Here. - Thanks.

[rock music]

[phone ringing]

This is Mark.

Yeah, it just arrived.

Well, tell Brian we'll read it tonight.

[rock music]

[knocking on door]

- [Walter] Daddy, the TV's not working!

[exciting video game music]

[mysterious music]

[cat meowing]

- [Red Cat] Quit whacking off and get your ass out here!

- [Brown Cat] You forgot to feed us, what's wrong with you?

- I give up.

- You know exactly how this is going to end.

- How?

- You're gonna see me for awhile, we're gonna be friends,

and then you're gonna realize

that it's not gonna go beyond that.

You'll lose interest and it'll end.

It happens to me all the time.

- So you're used to guys falling for you.

- Yep.

- Yeah, but you said that we wouldn't go beyond friends.

Look what happened.

- Well, that was a fluke.

- No it wasn't, nope.

- Yes it was, I'd never even gone skinny dipping before.

- No it wasn't.

A fluke? No.

I don't like that word.

- Okay, well, you can call it whatever you need to call it

but that is what it is.

- No, it wasn't a fluke, I'll tell ya why.

Let's say it was my friend Boston in the pool.

You wouldn't have done that with him, right?

- No. - See, it wasn't a fluke.

- But I might of done that with someone else.

- Okay, okay, here's what I think.

It was a fluke if you hadn't been drunk.

If you hadn't been skinny dipping.

If the water had been warmer

and other people had been in the pool, if, if, if.

I say, it was such a fluke that it was meant to be.

- Okay.

- Come to a hotel with me. - No, no, no.

- Come on, please? - No.

- Come on [laughing] - No.

- Why not? - 'Cause I'd feel guilty.

- Did you feel guilt about before?

- Guilt comes with climax.

- So if you climax twice then the two guilties

will cancel each other out.

- Twice? - Mm-hm.

- Oh, promises, promises.

- I never even got to kiss you.

[laughing gently]

- You're gonna get to know me and you're gonna realize

that I'm not the person you think I am.

- See you think I've put you up on a pedestal or something.

- I'm just a Joe.

- I'm just a Joe, too.

- Oh, thanks for bringin' me down to your level.

- I think about you all the time.

I have imaginary conversations with you.

I've even had an imaginary conversation with you where

I tell you that I have imaginary conversations with you.

I just, I just wanna be with you.

But if that can't happen then I'll settle for friends.

I can handle that.

- Good, I'm not 100% convinced, but good.

- Friends, friends is good.

[gentle piano music]

I pull these out on occasion, a reminder.

Yeah, I know they're sappy but they're real.

We used to tape them to the wall in the bathroom

of our first apartment.

I look in the mirror, what do I see?

There's so much of you inside of me.

I'm in a dream, alive, a dream come true.

Could there be so much of me inside of you?

I know the answer, but I still want to hear.

[Lorna humming] [shower running]

- Even if I had a brain transplant, ba-doom.

- Oh that's the best one yet.

Uh-oh. - What?

[Lorna yelping]

- Make room for Daddy.

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

[moaning lightly]

- What are you doing?

- I'm just reading these.

- Golden oldies.

- Not that old, classic rock.

- Come to bed, hon.

I hate sleeping without you.

- [Walter] Hey, it tickles, it tickles!

- [Lorna] Hey, hey, hey, it's fair.

- Mommy, that tickles!

- Oh, did Mommy make these?

- Yeah, I'm gonna hang 'em up on the door.

Ow, you made me fall!

- Great, can I, uh, talk to you?

- Yeah, in a sec?

- Sure. - Okay.

- Come on!

- We still have ants, I can't stand it anymore.

- The guy's comin' to spray tomorrow.

- Well, tell him to get under the house,

'cause there must be a nest in the foundation.

I heard the phone, what's up?

- It was Brian.

We're fired.

- What?

- Studio is not gonna hire us to write another draft.

Apparently in Bermuda Zach was so inspired by our script

that he decided to rewrite it himself.

- That asshole!

- He didn't even call us to let us know.

His genius writers.

- We worked our ass off for him ten months.

- I think that was part of the problem.

- Oh, here you go.

- We shouldn't have taken ten months, we were slow.

- You don't know why Zach decided to do what he did

and you will never know--

- We should have written two scripts in ten months

and made twice the money.

Brian says we have to take more bites out of the apple.

- Brian can go fuck himself.

- Studios want new material to read.

You have to keep feeding the beast, you know that.

This is a fashion industry and if we don't watch it

we're gonna be out of fashion, like your friend, Steven.

- Well, why don't you do more huh?

Yourself, why can't you be the man for once

and do the work?

- What, you don't think I want to?

You told me the stuff I write alone sucks.

- It does suck.

- What am I supposed to do, turn in shitty work?

- You're supposed to write better!

I want a drink, do you want a drink?

- No, thanks.

- No, you'll just have another brownie

like you're so in control.

[door slamming]

- On April 15th, 18--

- [Mark] No cheating.

- 65, Abruham Lincoln was--

- Abraham. - That's what I said.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated.

- Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

You sound great, Walt.

- Thanks.

- I'll be back in half an hour.

- Where you going

- Um,

just a sec.

- Read it again.

- Um, Steven ran out.

I'm just gonna take him a couple of joints.

I'm gonna be right back.

- Okay, but it's really not a good night to party.

I'm worn out and I'd really like

if you could put him to bed.

Plus tomorrow morning's his play.

- Just going there and then comin' right back.

- Okay.

[clock ticking]

By 2 a.m. I feared that something terrible had happened.

She could be in a drunken car accident.

She could be dead.

I could feel it in my gut.

Feel that something awful was happening at this very moment.

[Lorna and Steven laughing]

- Marko! Polo!

- Steven, Steven, go home.

- [Lorna] Oh, don't be mad.

- No, no, just one more drink, for all of us.

- [Mark] Steven, go home to your wife,

she's been calling all night and it's three in the morning.

- Ah, relax, just one more.

- I'm telling you to get the fuck outta here and go home.

- Aw, you don't have to be like that.

It's okay, Steven.

- No, no, it's not okay.

Go home, you fucking asshole, go home.

- I don't know why you're getting so upset.

Nothing happened.

- Go home, I'm warning you.

- Mark.

- Honey, go inside, all right?

For God's sake, Walter's play is tomorrow morning.

- Yeah, I know, I'm gonna be there.

I'm setting the alarm, I told you I'm gonna be there.

- Right, right, just go to bed.

- You know, don't boss me around.

You're always trying to control me.

You wanna get wasted it's okay.

But I tell you I wanna stop drinking

and you want an ecstasy party.

Did you ever think about that?

- Honey, go to bed, okay?

Just go to bed. - No, nope.

- Go to bed. - Nope.

- Go to bed. - Nope.

- And you, you selfish fucking prick, leave.

- Lorna--

- Don't look at her, motherfucker.

I am telling you to turn around and go home.

Now, get out!

[thudding] [Lorna screaming]

- Jesus, Mark, you're acting totally ridiculous.

What's the matter with you?

- You are not coming in my house ever again, you hear me?

- I don't know why you're so upset about this.

There's nothing going on between us.

- You're an asshole, a loser, a has been who never was.

- You've got it all wrong.

- Goddammit, can't you get it through

your thick fucking skull

that I just want you to go fucking home?

- Oh, wow, I think I've had enough of this.

- Look.

This is your last chance, Mark, I'm warning you.

- Fuck off.

- [Steven] I mean it, your last chance.

- On April 15th, 1865,

Abraham Lincoln was ass-inated.

[light chuckling]

Honest Abe had become our most beloved president.

[clapping]

- [Teacher] Excellent show, everyone.

We wanna thank you, parents, for coming out today to watch.

Uh, it means a great deal to all your children here today.

Now, if you would, we're gonna continue our math lesson.

- Aren't you gonna say hi?

- Oh, hi.

- Where's Lorna?

- She's at home.

- Another late night?

We'll talk later.

Let's get the kids together for a play date.

- [Teacher] If we look at exercise three-eight,

you notice six, six times five.

- And this is when things start to get dicey, I confess.

I'd had no sleep, my head throbbed.

I felt like a guest in my own life

as the world spun without me.

And I craved a Nestle's crunch bar.

[quirky music]

And then came the crash.

[shopping carts crashing]

Sorry. - Mark!

- Hey. - Hi.

- Well I hope they don't raise my insurance over this.

- Uh, no damage done.

Hey, did you see Billy Crystal?

I saw Billy Crystal over in the deli section.

Are you okay?

No offense, but you look like you should have

coins over your eyes.

- No offense taken.

- You having one of those days?

- Yeah, I know shit has to roll downhill but why do I always

have to be the one stuck in fuckin' valley?

- I'm right down there with you, kiddo.

You and me both.

- And she meant it, too.

Who knows what was going on behind her closed doors,

but I'm sure it wasn't picture-perfect.

Not for her, not for anyone.

- Well, it's nice running into you.

- You, too.

- Hey, why don't you think about gettin' some junk food

next time, will ya?

- Danni!

Hey.

- You are losing control, my friend.

- I just thought that you might need some of these, too.

They're dark chocolate with almonds.

- Thanks.

- Don't go.

Tell me this is real.

- It's real.

- Yeah, it's really you. - Yeah.

[gentle piano music]

[moaning]

- You taste so good.

[moaning]

[gentle gasping]

- You're gonna take this as a backhanded compliment,

but you know what was so nice?

- What?

- Well Brock is really huge and, well, it hurts.

But you felt just right.

- Ah, the advantages of a small dick.

- I didn't say small.

- Oh, I'm exactly average, I measured.

- We can never do this again.

- That's what you said about the pool.

- I mean it this time.

- I wrote a poem about the pool.

- Oh, no.

- Yeah, I didn't tell you 'cause I was afraid

it would freak you out.

- Good thinking.

- It's a couple syllables too long for a haiku but it'll do.

Do you wanna hear it?

- Okay.

- I remember when the earth stood still,

and nothing moved except me inside you.

- I am a non-functioning member of society,

once active, now not.

How'd he do?

- Great, great.

I could tell he was nervous because he said his stomach hurt

but he was great.

- I'm fucking up.

I'm a fuck-up.

I'm a fuck-up.

Remember Bermuda?

Pink sand?

And us sneaking out the silverware

engraved with the initial of my new last name?

Don't forget that.

Don't forget the good years.

We had a lot of good years.

- I have a confession to make.

- What is it?

- I, uh...

I tried to kill Shaq Number Eight.

- What?

- Yeah, I went in to feed him this morning

and I expected him to be dead, because they'd all died,

one by one, and I'd just fed the cats

and the hamsters and the plants and Walter

and I was just sick of it, and I was,

I was really sick of waiting for this fish to die.

So, I took him and I flushed him down the toilet.

[toilet flushing]

And then it came back, I couldn't believe it.

He had to live, so he did.

We're still here, you and I.

We made it.

- Yeah, yeah, whatever asshole.

Just hurry up and feed me.

- So now the time has come, time to decide.

You, a jury of my peers bathed in the screen's glow.

Am I guilty?

And of what crime?

Adultery?

Illicit drug use?

Attempted murder of a goldfish?

You could convict me of all of these and more, I suppose.

I have no excuses but I have my reasons.

Yet I submit to you that I am truly guilty

of only one thing:

Of being human.

- Of being human.

- Of being human.

- Of being human.

- Of being human.

[gentle piano music]

[keyboard clicking]