Original subtitles

Uh-oh. Guess I have to stay.

_

Ah, today's the day.

Well, you're off in a tizzy this morning, Chuck Todd.

Election Day, sir. The most important day

in the history of democracy.

I get to go on TV and make it all about me.

Little Chuck Todd, always with his head in the clouds

and his hair looking like shit.

? Election Day ?

? When everyone is watching the news ?

I'm all diapered up and ready to stand for 14 hours.

The most important election of our lifetime.

Plus Nate Silver interviews.

[SILVER] Our algorithm predicts Biden,

but it, uh, also might be Trump.

? And I will stand in front of this giant iPad real confused ?

.004 reporting, let's project a winner.

? And I will sacrifice this lamb if Biden starts to lose ?

Two men, both Presidential.

? Election day, when everyone tunes into MSNBC in ?

- ? Prime time ? - ? Prime time ?

- ? Prime time ? - ? Prime time ?

? Everyone including all the people ?

? Who drove past their polling place ?

? And thought the line was just too long to vote ?

? Is watching the news ?

That's right. It's the news' prom night,

and everyone is watching, including the big man himself.

The question on everyone's mind...

"What is President Trump thinking?"

[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I wonder if I should dial the fake number

Christie Brinkley gave me in 1982

just in case it's her real number now.

Nah, I don't need her validation,

because I'm an all-knowing Presidential God,

and that will never change.

I don't even need this list of prepared excuses

as to why I lost today's election.

[TOGETHER] Four years ago, we made a friend.

To express our love, this poem we penned.

Our President smells like lilacs,

a warm and caring listener.

Such an athlete is he, better than both the Williams sisters.

You have shown such grace, despite all you endured,

may your enemies be vanquished, especially Anna Wintour.

No matter what happens today,

it was my honor to stare into a void

while you ranted on the phone for 90 minutes straight.

Those were great times to catch up on chores.

And, if Biden becomes President,

we'll always say your negligent homicides

were not nearly as bad as his gaffes.

Somebody, help!

The "Fox & Friends" have been body-snatched.

Wow, I'm still in this thing, huh?

I haven't felt this bulletproof

since before the Me Too movement.

[GRUNTS]

I brought your favorite... meat lumps.

Kellyanne? I thought I fired you for also getting coronavirus.

Oh, I just swung by to watch your legacy burn.

Hey, Kellyanne, the polls say I'm gonna win, right?

Fuck it. You don't sign my paychecks anymore,

so I'm just gonna be straight with you.

All I've ever wanted is heavily-edited honesty.

The truth is, you're guzzling so much ass

you better use a jumbo straw

so it doesn't dribble down your ugly blobfish chin

and give your fat face a UTI.

Everybody knows you have as much chance of winning

as you do of taking a successful shit

without two Secret Service guys

poking your gut with broomsticks.

Your suits fit you so bad, you look like a cow

wandered into a camping tent and got stuck.

No one likes you, no one will miss you,

and the sun will shine brighter

when your ashes are encased in a gaudy vase

one of your shithead sons will eventually shatter

while masturbating to the thought of his ex-wives

who refuse to talk to him in family court.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Save it for the Times.

Also, "The Apprentice" really took a nosedive

after season four.

And stay out!

I spit on all those meat lumps!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

What's the password?

- [CONWAY] I am not Donald Trump. - Come in.

Hey, you assholes didn't start the party without me, did you?

Nah, it's mostly been us plotting our escape routes

through Washington's sewer systems.

So many regrets.

I could have done more.

There are still a few science books

that don't refer to clouds as "Jesus's beanbag chairs."

I'm ready to cut and run. Who knew how much money you can make

by being allowed to literally print money?

I own several radical Christian military training camps

outside Jerusalem now.

To making out like bandits.

Hear, hear!

We sure did. I checked with human resources,

and they said I can keep this key chain

I found in my desk when I started.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, Mike. History won't remember your name.

Eric, hurry up.

My beautiful dime-piece Kimberly's gonna be here any minute.

Sorry. I asked the dove guy to go easy on the flap,

but he clearly didn't listen.

God, where the hell is Kimberly?

This could be my last day to charge taxpayers

for a wedding then drink so much

I yak mid-way through my 2024 announcement.

What do you think of my vows...

"Hey, Kimberly, get your ass over here."

Are you sure she's on her way?

These officiant's robes are making my skin cry.

God, this blows sack.

No bride, no witness, every single guest

probably stuck in traffic.

Cheer up, Don.

We'll always have each other.

Wait a minute, that's it.

You're the only one who's stood by my side

and slightly behind me

so people wouldn't think we knew each other.

Eric, you beautiful stupid fucking idiot,

will you marry me?

If it means sleeping in the same room as you again,

I'm in.

Eric, you are my brother,

and I love you like a dirty little pet Chihuahua.

- I do. - I do, as well, too.

Fly, boys. Oh, no!

- Aah! - Fuck.

I just realized we never signed a prenup.

You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Of all the days.

Ivanka, if Donald loses, our life in America is over.

I'm talking death glares on Fifth Avenue

and Broadway actors breaking character

to scream at us about genocide.

Think, Jared. Where can we go?

Who owes us one?

Oh, MBS.

I let him literally chop up the body of one of our journalists.

That should at least get us a couple months

in his pool house, right?

[MAN SCREAMING]

- He sounds busy. - That's it. I'm calling Russia.

Ivanka, no, no!

It took me three years

to shake the stink of those Kislyak meetings.

[MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Ugh, I forgot I don't actually speak Russian.

I just told a U.N. peacekeeper I did

so I could be in a photo-op.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Just breathe, okay,

and remember your mantra... "Compound interest.

Compound interest."

Thanks, Jared.

Nothing calms me down like looking into the blank,

unforgiving void of your corneas.

Let's just pray we don't end up in Qatar.

They always bring up how they bailed me out

of that $1.6 billion dollar real-estate shit pit.

Ugh, get over yourself, Qatar.

? Election Day, when everyone is watching the news ?

? I'm Charles Rod Todd, the man with all the breaking news ?

? Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?

I'm Lester Holt, and I would never rhyme a word

- with the same word. - Now, that hurts.

Reports from polling places in Georgia

have confirmed that instead of ballot boxes,

polling volunteers have been sent boxes of dead crows.

Election officials fear this could be an early indicator

of widespread voter suppression.

Oh, good, they got the crows.

That'll do, lifetime appointees.

That'll do.

- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS] - [KAVANAUGH CRYING]

Hi, Brett. Is everything okay?

No, nothing is ever okay!

First my confirmation to the Supreme Court

got delayed by two days!

Now the other most powerful people in the country are being butts!

Calm down.

Sobbing only benefits you on-camera.

Oh, right. Just tell the other justices to party with me.

I wanna play my super-fun drinking game

where I take a shot every time I do a keg stand.

The other justices are busy deciding what to do

if they wind up with another Bush v. Gore on their hands.

I think Ruth would've wanted it this way.

Heads, Trump. Tails, Trump.

[BIDEN] And in conclusion, as your next President,

I think we should all forgive Donald Trump.

Sure, he can be a little kooky sometimes,

but I think it's for the best if we pretend like he never existed,

except when the two of us go to a Cowboys game

and touch hands in a big bowl of popcorn.

Thank ya mucho. Pretty good, huh?

Uh, it's... well...

It's clear that you wrote it yourself, Dad.

Thanks, Hunter. I even looked up some stuff in the thesaurus.

What stuff is he talking...

I think you should read it to Obama

and your running mate for a second opinion.

We're family, after all,

so we think everything you do is wonderful.

Oh, good point, Jillybean.

They'll give me the heavily-edited truth.

If your father wins, one of us is on pill-cocktail duty,

and the other has to keep him from slipping on wet surfaces

for the next four years.

With my storied history of drug and alcohol abuse,

I should probably do, uh, wet surfaces.

Thank ya mucho. The last part is Spanish.

Instead of worrying about some dull speech,

why don't we do something fun to celebrate election night

- and keep you out of the public eye? - Like what?

- Quesadillas? - Feed the Roomba?

Sorry, but I know Joe pretty well,

and he loves making quesadillas.

I actually know him pretty well, too,

and if there's one thing he loves,

it's feeding the Roomba bits of lint.

- Joe? - Which is it?

I can't choose between my old best friend Barack

and my new best friend, this lady.

Can't we do both?

I guess if you promise to spend Election Night locked in my house,

away from cameras, journalists,

and American voters, we can do both.

Quesadillas, feeding the Roomba,

and becoming President by default?

This is the best day of my life.

I'm Wolf Blitzer, and sometimes I wake up

on the roof of my house. No idea.

As polls begin to close across the country,

many states remain too close to call.

If we look at Wisconsin,

we can see that in 2016 it went red.

Oh, dear.

Something's amiss with Wisconsin.

Let's instead look to Nevada,

where Joe Biden was outperformed in the primary,

but... oh, goodness.

[CUOMO] Geez, look at this bing-bong.

How hard is it to touch a screen?

I poke my thousand-inch plasma 24/7.

While our team corrects this technical issue,

perhaps you'd like to get to know the man behind the map.

Me, Wolf Blitzer.

I, uh, enjoy scrambled egg whites.

[MAN COUGHS IN DISTANCE]

This is excruciating.

Let's go live to a Democratic rally.

- [APPLAUSE] - Hello, Wisconsin!

For the past six months we've been begging you

to vote for Joe Biden,

and after tonight we can finally stop doing that.

Joe is a true friend of the progressive movement.

The kind of friend you don't speak to for years,

then they call you out of nowhere

to sell you weight-loss smoothies.

Our revolution will be in good hands with President Biden.

I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.

A few more hours, Alexandria.

Then we can both scrub our tongues off with steel wool

until 2024.

I'm not even controlling my body.

- This is all reflex. - Eh, fuck it.

Everyone take a ski mask.

Let's torch the precinct on Lombardi Street!

It's been a pleasure upstaging you all this campaign.

I'm sure I'll see roughly one of you in Biden's cabinet.

Damn right. I'll be in the office full of Bud Light cans

with one sip missing and the door marked "Secretary of State."

Hilarious. That role has naturally been pledged to me,

a fluent speaker of... languages.

Over my dead bodies of mouthy interns.

Obama said I'm Secretary of State.

Did Obama promise everyone State?

- [BUTTIGIEG AND WARREN] Yes. - Fuckin' yes.

Glad I'm not the only dumbass.

The same guy promised to close Guantanamo.

Well, whomever gets the position,

we can all agree they'll do a better job than Hillary Clinton.

- Oh, God, yes. - Amen.

That fuckin' psycho scares me shitless.

[CLINTON] That's odd.

I sense someone saying my name in Wisconsin.

Uh, honey, we ain't done with the mortar yet.

Stop squirming.

The 2024 campaign starts now,

and I can't have you running amok.

You know, the inside of this wall

kinda reminds me of Epstein's tape vault.

Why must the good die so suspiciously?

No island talk until the wall is sealed.

Mom, how do I get the pictures of Ghislaine Maxwell

at my wedding off the Inter...

- wait, what are you doing? - I have no choice.

He keeps chewing off his ankle monitor.

I hear the call of the wild.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Mother, he'll die in there. - Chels, don't worry,

he's got enough cheese balls to last my first term,

and Prince Andrew is keeping him company.

Charmed I'm sure, Chelsea.

Now, hand me that mortar.

Bezos and I are doing a paint 'n' sip,

and the bricks need time to set.

Hoo-hoo! You better double-layer that to be safe.

Chelsea, help me or get in the wall.

Mommy's got a campaign to announce.

[PELOSI] "It's time to save the status Pok�mon Quo in 2024

by voting for Chillary Clinton"?

Chillary Clinton?

What the hell is she doing?

We agreed she'd wait until 2032.

That goddamn Hulu documentary

was supposed to keep her in an edit bay through winter.

Heaven help us.

I thought your people didn't do the heaven thing.

Half my constituents are Catholic.

Take a fuckin' knee.

- Oh, God. - [BOTH GROANING]

I'm down.

Dear God, please let Joe Biden win the election

for the sake of Democracy and all that.

But if you have to let Trump win

to keep us swimming in donor cash,

we're cool with that, too.

[HANNITY] The end is near!

- God? - He sounds so angry.

This is it, people!

Add butter and a pinch of salt to your cyanide capsules,

because the Deep State has come for President Trump.

And just when the country was finally running smoothly

and my accuser was being silenced.

? Dun, da-da-da-dun ?

? Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-dun ?

? Election day ?

? When everyone's engorging the news ?

[EARHARDT] Sean? Let me in. I'm scared.

My beloved Ainsley Earhardt.

You sound muffled.

Are you wearing a face mask?

Those minimum-wage tyrants from lobby security forced me to.

I want to ride out the apocalypse with you,

but I can't get inside.

That's because I welded the doors, windows,

and air vents shut.

Totally unrelated, but I can't breathe,

and I'm not going to fall sleep,

but I am going to rest my eyes for a minute.

[MUTTERS, SNORES]

I don't think Hannity's heart is in it tonight.

"...and gleaming entrails strung up like garland."

You're the only speechwriter

whose words make me queasy... good work.

- Time to stick the landing, Stevie. - Yes, Sire.

"From the killing fields of Detroit

to the bloodbaths of outer Detroit,

I will always be your God."

Now, that's an acceptance speech.

Who's going to be on stage?

The only people who have RSVP'd are you, me, and Herman Cain,

who probably won't, uh...

- I mean you never know, but no. - That's all?

Has firing every friend, staffer, and four-star general

I've ever employed kept them from walking me down the aisle?

All those hacks couldn't take it.

You're right, Stevie.

All those has-beens' lives ended the day they walked out of here.

? You're one of us ?

? You wrote a memoir to seem ?

? Less complicit in racism ?

? You're former sycophants ?

So, how are all my favorite former co-workers doing?

- [BOLTON AND MCMASTER] Great. - I need a drink.

"Masked Singer" hard-passed again?

Nah, brother killed another dog.

Bolton, you're payin' for this beer with your rat money.

Speaking of, did you guys get a chance

to look at my manuscript?

The bones are there, but just like an Iranian hospital,

a Trump tell-all needs bombshells.

You left out the time he sleep-walked into the War Room

and ordered the destruction of Diane Keaton.

Hey, y'all.

- Jeff. Jeff. - Jeff. Jeff.

How's life treating you, little freaky guy?

Like it planted a marijuana cigarette on me.

Still upset about your Senate race?

Naw, it's not that.

They're tearin' down all my favorite statues.

Now how am I supposed to learn about the Civil War?

Don't cry because they're being removed,

smile because what they stood for

is still enshrined in every city's bloated police budget.

Look at us.

One dangerously incompetent boss made five friends for life.

C'mon, who'd y'all vote for?

[ALL] Trump.

? You're former sycophants ?

And now for my final attempt to crack open the Russia investigation.

We have new footage of Don Jr.

exiting a Bethesda Tilted Kilt

only six hours before his infamous Russia meeting.

Fact... on the day of the Wikileaks dump,

Eric Trump was also spotted at a Tilted Kilt,

ordering a basket of spiceless chicken wings.

Was this a co-conspiracy or was Don Jr. actually coming

from the Play It Again Sports next door?

Of course. That's it.

Rachel, you Russophobic Nancy Drew.

You didn't lose all your family and friends for nothing.

You've finally cracked the case.

The answer is...

[ROOMBA WHIRRING]

Hey, Instagram Live guys, gals, and other gender identities

which I am learning about with each passing day.

There's only one hour left before the polls close.

I just wanna make one last plea in case some of you

are still unsure where I stand on malarkey.

Joe? What are you doing?

Nothin', just chattin' with Siri.

Hey, Siri, what's up?

Give me that phone, Joe.

A powerful, and dare I say,

Presidential final message from Vice President Joe Biden.

In other election news,

volunteers at the most populous polling place in Maine

are reporting major delays, thanks to Senator Susan Collins,

who has been standing in the same voting booth since dawn.

[COLLINS] Okay, Susan, time to make up your mind.

Hmm. Biden or Trump?

Everyone's wondering which way Susan Collins will swing.

[MAN] C'mon, lady.

I love Joe Biden's incessant physical attention,

but then again, Donald Trump has shown great growth

in the wake of his impeachment.

For example... me saying that he has.

Hurry the eff up!

I know... Brumpen.

You can't combine the names.

Brumpen, that's my vote.

And here we go. Hmm.

Shall I bubble in with royal or oxford blue?

[GROANS]

"Officials warn of Russian election interference."

Oh, good, maybe the Russians will vote for me.

[PRESIDENT TRUMP] And also the walls are closing in

and I need your help or I might die.

Relax. Look at it this way...

all of your troubles are 8,000 miles away from me.

Can't you throw me another Western World-destabilizing bone?

I gotta be honest. I'm not sure I can put up

with another four years of this.

It's always, "Putin. Hack my election."

Never, "Putin, how are you?

Congratulations on your hacked election."

I'm begging you. Things are not great over here.

Keep it moving, folks.

There are two NDA lines... one for staff and family,

and one for cleaning ladies

whose cleavage I spilled relish down so I could go fetch it.

Hi, Rudy. It's a beautiful day.

- Where do I sign? - Wow, Melania,

I haven't seen you this happy

since the doctors were removing phlegm

from Donald's lungs with ice-cream scoops.

I'll sign in blood.

Just get me the fuck out of here.

[PUTIN] Sorry, Trumpy, I can't help you.

Besides, I'm kinda curious to see

what'll happen with this Biden guy.

[LINE CLICKS]

? What's gonna change? ?

? Will I get to stay the President ?

? Or be banished to Fox News ?

? And stoke some violence there instead? ?

- ? What's gonna change? ? - ? What's gonna change? ?

? Will I stay stuck in this basement ?

? Or will I get to fall asleep ?

? Every day at the Resolute Desk instead? ?

- ? What's gonna change? ? - ? Oh ?

? I am married to my brother now ?

? And I the bride ?

? He's the bride, I'm the groom ? ? Don't frickin' get it confused ?

? We know things will change, but not how ?

? What's gonna change? ?

? Ooh-ooh-ooh ?

? Will our enormous wealth keep things the same? ?

? Ooh-ooh-ooh ?

? What's gonna ?

- ? Chaaaaaaaaaa... ? - ? Will I get to start a civil war? ?

? Or stop pretending to be Christian anymore? ?

And the results are in... conclusive.

I'll be live in-studio until the election is called,

which means Christmas came early for those of us

who love to sleep in our work socks. [SQUEALS]

A blow to democracy, a boon to TV newscasters.

But the million-dollar year-end bonus question is,

when will we know who's won the election?

My guess is sometime in the future.

What the ass?

Eh, it's always been kind of a lose/lose for me.

We were winning. What happened?

Besides adding in the cities where all the people live?

I could put the COVID-19 task force

on the hunt for voter fraud.

We're not really doing much else.

Brings a tear to my eye.

Oh, no, wait, that's the knock-off cologne

I bought from a street vendor at 4:00 a.m.

on my way out of Kurt's Magic Titty Parlor.

This... is... awesome!

It is way past my bedtime.

Oh, come on. Who do I have to drone to get some results?

Relax.

I was begrudgingly elected the nominee,

and I'll be begrudgingly elected President.

Calm down, guys. We just need to win

one of the states where Hillary was burned in effigy.

I'm feeling a little tense. Anybody got 10,000 cigarettes?

Chuck, what does this mean for infrastructure week?

We may not know the winner,

but at least we know it's not Bernie Sanders.

[TODD] And the Democrats have lost

at least six seats in the House.

Embarrassing. And that's coming from Chuck Todd.

- Ouch. - God damn it, Nancy!

What did you think was gonna fucking happen?!

Everybody told you that this was gonna fucking happen!

I called you every goddamn day

telling you this was gonna happen, you fu...

I won. I won!

Looks like dragging myself across the bathroom floor

of the Republican Party, reaching into the toilet,

and hugging the biggest turd in the bowl was all worth it.

That was a close one for old Susan Collins,

but I knew I could do it if I stuck to my principles,

whatever they may be.

Either I get four years of judicial appointments

or four years of congressional gridlock.

Either way, I'm whistling Dixie

till God sends a big, ol' thunderbolt through my skull.

Who did they say won? Eh, who cares.

I'm gonna try to go all four years without finding out.

LMFAO AF.

Okay, now, who, like, wants to help me

build a new self-driving deathtrap?

[BIDEN] Well, Jill, we won, right?

It feels like we won, right? A-Am I crazy or not? I...

We sure did. Now, get out there

and tell the American people that the next few days to months

are gonna suck ass.

Don, whatever happens after this,

you'll always be the greatest disappointment of my life.

Thanks, Dad. Now, get out there

and tell the American people

that the election has been compromised

by an army of Venezuelan single moms.

Shut up, that was my idea.

Hey, gang.

Thanks for coming to this month's White House super-spreader event.

I'm gonna keep this tradition going

till I'm the last man wheezing.

Don't be fooled, people.

I won this election fair and square.

I don't care what the pundits say,

what the papers say, or what the voters say.

I'm not giving up.

As God as my witness,

I will never stop fighting the will of the American people.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hello, Delaware.

I'm here to give a brief, hasty speech

because I'm awake after 9:00, and it's cold as Blitzen's tits.

Ain't it great, folks?

I won a nail-biter against the devil.

I can't believe so many of you went out

and voted for me during a pandemic.

If you get sick, just send me your $30,000 hospital bill,

and I'll autograph it.

The pollsters must stop counting the fraudulent votes

in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania.

But keep counting Georgia. I think I've got a shot there.

By the way, isn't my election-night speech

so much better than Biden's?

I even provided pre-show entertainment...

Fox News on big screens.

These Georgia numbers are not looking good

- for President Tru... - La, la, la, la, la! Moving on.

I'm the one man who can bring this divided nation back together,

sort of like when a delivery guy falls off his bike

and a bunch of pedestrians scramble over to help him

and realize, "Wow, we're all totally different,

but we're all super worried about this guy."

We won Ohio, we won Texas, and we won Florida twice.

We're definitely gonna win that state

with all the lazy-eyed weirdos in work boots.

What's it called? Fucksville?

Oh, yeah, Pennsylvania.

Now, Donald Trump's gonna tell you he's President,

but don't listen to that lunkhead,

unless he's talking about how fracking is the wave of the future.

We need to exhibit patience, people.

Like Jill does when I use the blender

and get strawberry guts all over the ceiling.

I can't believe I lost Arizona.

And here I was, thinking I turned a corner

with John McCain's ugly pig family.

If I could take back the insults I threw at Donald Trump

at that White House Correspondents' Dinner

that led him to run for president

and destroy democracy, I would.

Actually, no, I wouldn't. Fuck that guy.

I'm being told some repo guys from Deutsche Bank

are pulling up in the driveway,

so if we could just hit the lights

and pretend no one's home...

[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS, KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[MAN] Hello! I'm here to collect $400 million worth of stuff!

Shh-shh-shh. Shut up. Shut up.

[ENGINE STARTS, VEHICLE BEEPING]

Okay, I think we're good.

Wow, am I gonna have a nutso time the next four years

trying to get anything done while Conservatives

and Progressives both hate my guts.

I'm entering office with the slimmest of mandates,

a Republican Congress that claims I'm Castro,

and a heart that's 78 years old, but the victory's already won.

We made Donald Trump a one-term president

by replacing him with a one-term president!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, HORNS HONKING]

You thought you could get rid of me, America,

but I'm never going away.

I'm like Freddie Krueger on some serious anti-inflammatory steroids.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna let Democrats steal this election.

We're taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.

I got my justice buddies watching my back...

nerdy guy, abortion lady, and my main man,

I wanna say, Bill Kavanaugh.

Assuming he's not black-out drunk

for the next week and a half.

Whoo!

_

_

- _ - Don't worry.

Pennsylvania loves me.

I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised.

Oh, wait. That's "Fresh Prince."

[TODD] Biden wins Pennsylvania, and that's the game...

the baseball game, the presidential baseball game.

Can anyone give me a lift to Argentina?

? Why do we do this to ourselves? ?

? Campaign for two to four years ?

? And give this figurehead presidency so much weight? ?

? When has putting one white man in charge ?

? Led to anything other than ? ? Genocide, slavery ?

? Chiquita Banana, and Watergate? ?

[PELOSI] ? Let's be real here, money ?

? We did it for money ?

? And sometimes the power ?

? But mostly the money ?

? I mean, a hundred ?

? $120 million ?

? Is my personal net worth ?

? You think I'd get that as a Gap sales associate? ?

? I don't think so ?

? And so we'll reach across the aisle ?

? If the hand we're shaking with ?

? Has a check from Monsanto wrapped up in its fist ?

? We work together to keep Bill's record clean ?

? And hide that little black book of Jeffrey Epstein's ?

? Jeffrey ?

? He was a personal friend of mine ?

? They cut him down in his prime ?

? But the power he exploited with his money in life ?

? Is the American dream played out before our eyes ?

? Oh, sweet Jesus, call on me ?

? To use the power of your name to ban refugees ?

? Going back to the dark ages ? ? With the baby cages ?

? Flying 100 miles an hour through the fascism stages ?

? Obama taught me hope and change and armored drones ?

? And I hope one day, too, to pretend to close Guantanamo ?

Americans are all corrupt in their own unique ways,

but there's one thing that unites us all.

? Power ?

? Money ?

? America ?

? My fucked ? ? Ho-o-o-o-o-me ?

T'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee!

Ted Cruz, folks!

? Donald Trump was the president ?

? Donald Trump was the president ?

? Was Donald Trump the president? ?

- ? Yes, he was ? - ? Yes, he was ?

? We elected him president ?

? Was Donald Trump the president? ?

- ? Yes, he was ? - ? For four whole years ?

? Donald Trump was our president ?

? Donald Trump was the president ?

? Donald Trump, he was our president ?

? We made him president ?

? We did that ?

? Donald Trump was the president ?

? We elected Donald Trump ?

? Donald Trump was the president ?

? Donald Trump was the president ?

? Yeah, yeah, ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ah ?

Trump!

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