Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

THEY GIGGLE

Hi, stallion.

What the fuck?

That's him, isn't it? Aye, that's him.

Whip it out, then!

Shit.

Can everyone see it?

THEY LAUGH

Ooh.

Big Dick Mick! BOTH: Big Dick Mick!

Big Dick Mick! Lads, what are yous on about?

Rachael told everyone you've got a big dick.

EVERYONE is talking about it! What?

Apparently, she tried to suck you off in the car park,

but she couldn't fit it in her mouth!

This is brilliant news! I'm so excited for us.

Us? Every group's gotta have a lad with a big dick in it.

Gives us prestige.

Absolutely not. I don't want to see it or anything!

We just need an estimate. Mm-hm.

I'll measure it through your trousers.

Be sure to get the girth as well. That's just as important.

No way. Tommy! Jesus Christ, lads.

We need to know what we're working with here!

I measure mine two or three times a week.

I was wondering what you nicked that microscope for.

And here, Mick, wash the tape measure after,

my ma needs it back. You get your ma to measure your dick?!

Oh, piss off, would ya? Rachael?

Rachael? What's wrong with her?

I can't believe you'd spread lies like that, Mick.

That's fucked-up! What? I didn't do anything. Who did, then?

Everyone's saying she gave you a blowjob in the car park.

She's in bits. She'd never do that.

COUGHING: You would.

What did you say? Oh, nothing.

You never messaged me after the other night,

so you can go fuck yourself with your wee squirrel prick.

That's from me.

And that's from Rachael.

You really messed it up with the ladies, there, lads.

Niamh would never shout at me at school.

That's because she doesn't go to this school. Or exist.

Did she really suck you off?

Aye, I can't believe you kept that quiet!

I was only round the corner for a few minutes.

She must have been goin' like Henry the Hoover

to get you off that quickly. No! Of course not.

Fuck sake.

How'd that even get about?

You know how these things get out of hand.

Let's see. Rachael definitely told Siobhan.

You know, women tell each other everything.

And Siobhan must have told Fionnuala

cos they made a pact in primary school

to tell each other everything,

you know, cross their hearts, hope to die.

And then Fionnuala and her brother Jack, they're weirdly close.

It's actually kind of creepy, so she must have told him!

And then he told Dermo, cos they've got hurling together on Sundays...

WHISTLE BLARES Hey, you two,

get over here, you two shites!

..then Dermo told my cousin Cahill, who phoned me,

and here we are.

Somewhere in all of that, it must have gotten muddled up.

So Rachael started it by telling Siobhan?

It's all her fault?

It's not a bad rumour to be going around, to be fair.

Where are you going? The bogs.

Don't let it fall in the urinal!

Watch where you're going. I know. Some people these days.

Honestly. Come on.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

That's not on silent, you wab! THEY LAUGH

What are yous doing? All right, wee man.

Just, er, confirming the news. You're stinking!

Whoa. Whoa. Bet it's not as big as mine, though.

Go on, helicopter it for me.

Get his trousers down. THEY LAUGH

Whoa! Fuck, Mick.

Come on, Big Dick Mick. It's only a wee joke.

Come on, whip it out.

Rachael. Piss off, Mick!

Did you just go around telling half the school or what? What?!

All these rumours are flying around. It's nothing to do with me!

You told Siobhan! No, I just told...

I just told her what happened. I didn't make anything up!

Siobhan can't keep her mouth shut about anything.

She's my best friend! Yeah?

Well, now she's gone and told some pudding girl

who loves her brother or something,

and now everyone's talking about my dick! Who gives a shit about that?!

People are saying I gave you a blowjob!

DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS

They all think I'm some stupid tramp, thanks to you.

I didn't say anything!

Mick, the number of guys who asked me to the cinema today,

while their mates stood behind them making blowjob noises...

It's humiliating!

Look, I don't know how the rumour started, and I'm sorry,

but it wasn't me, OK?

I wouldn't do that.

I'll try to put it straight, OK?

Yoooo, big lad! THEY LAUGH

Oh, hey. Don't go sucking him off in the corridor, now.

Dirty, wee slut. HE LAUGHS

That's setting it straight, is it?

Do you know what? Fuck you, Mick.

Even if you didn't start all of this, you're loving it.

You're a legend and I'm just a dirty, wee slut!

Hope your massive dick gets penis cancer and falls off.

Michael! What? I got you that razor you were after.

An electric one? Uh-huh. Man at the shop said this one was very popular.

And you don't have to learn how to...

You think I don't know how to shave?

No, I just thought this would be handy.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Do you think I'm a fucking child?! Michael. What?!

Don't you dare speak to me like that! Why not? I hate you!

You don't even know what you're doing, do you?!

No, I don't, but I'm trying my very best.

Michael.

Michael, don't you dare walk away from me when I'm speaking to you!

Where do you think you're going? Out!

Michael Campbell, you get back here right now!

Mick! Come here, Mick.

Piss off. What's all this about you and that wee girl?

Nothing. Well, there's rumours going round that she...

You know what they're saying? Yeah, I know, I don't care.

Well, she might care!

Starting rumours like that doesn't make you the big man,

it makes you a prick. I didn't start anything.

Look, if you want a girl to like you, Mick,

you have to treat her right.

Nobody's going to want to go out with you

if you're starting rumours like that.

Everything all right?

Who gives a shit about the rumours?! It's stupid school bullshit!

Yeah, you're THAT Mick.

You're Big Dick Mick! Danny!

Where are you going? Just leave me alone.

Thank you.

Come on.

Bye, Big Dick Mick!

♪ You've got those sad eyes

♪ Something's on your mind

♪ You've got those sad eyes again

♪ Sometimes we're lonely

♪ Alone with all our thoughts

♪ I think it never will change

♪ But you don't have to say anything now

♪ You don't have to talk

♪ But if you want help... ♪

Rachael. I'm still not speaking to you.

OK.

So you're just not going to say anything, then?

What? I thought you just said... Doesn't matter.

Look, Rachael, I'm sorry about earlier.

It really wasn't me who spread the rumour.

But people shouldn't be saying that shit about you.

It's just Diesel and Wee Spud, they...

They got me in the toilets earlier and...

..I just didn't want them starting something again.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

I still should have stood up for you, and I'm sorry.

Thanks.

You were right anyway.

Siobhan is a bit of a gossip, like.

But she's my mate, you know?

Yeah.

So...where you headed?

Nowhere.

Just needed to get out of the house for a while.

Come on. Let's get off here.

I used to go for walks here with my family when I was younger.

But now me and Siobhan just come here to drink at the weekends.

Oh, yeah? That's cool.

I just drink in the house, like.

Jesus, my ma would go nuts if I drank in front of her.

Oh, God, no, not in front of her. She'd go mental.

No, just when she's out.

Yeah, I actually got caught a couple of weeks ago.

No way!

What happened?

So I was coming back from here,

and we'd only had, like, half a bottle of vodka between us,

so I thought I was OK.

But then I get home and my parents are still up.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, and then my auntie and uncle were round,

and they're mad for board games, right?

So they make me play Articulate with them.

So I'm, like, trying to act sober,

and I keep stumbling over my words,

and I can barely read what's on the card.

I don't think I've ever been as stressed in my life.

And turns out my ma knew I was drunk and was just doing it to punish me.

HE LAUGHS

That's genius, to be fair. Yeah.

We didn't speak for a few days after that.

A few days!

Nah, it's all right, me and mum are always fighting.

I just had a big fight with my mum.

I've never really fought with her before.

Really? Never?

Not properly.

Like, she's on her own

and she's so busy with work and the three of us.

I don't want to upset her.

Thanks for bringing me here.

It's nice. Yeah.

I like it.

And I mean, it's nice just to chat, you know?

I was all nervous in the cinema. Me too.

And Mick, see all the rumour stuff...

We don't have to talk about it. But just, you know,

I've never done any of that stuff before

and I don't want you to think... No, yeah.

Me neither. It's cool.

Right.

I should probably get home.

Yeah.

And you should probably talk to your mum.

I know it's hard, like,

but it always makes me feel better when I talk to mine.

OK. See ya.

MUSIC: Northern Wind -by Cat Stevens/ -Yusuf

♪ There is a wind, my Billy And it's awful strong

♪ Come for you and anyone who's helped you along

♪ But I want to live, live, live And let the stars shine bright

♪ Yes, I want to live, live, live And let it on all right

♪ And when that bird sings from over that silver wall

♪ I don't want to fight it, Billy Cos I want to go. ♪

TELEVISION PLAYS

Sorry for earlier, Mum.

Is everything all right?

Is it about that wee girl you met at the cinema?

What?

Lucy told me. She's so annoying.

Why doesn't she just mind her own business?

Hey, just because it didn't go well

doesn't mean it's not going to work out.

Sure, when I first met your dad, he was having a party

and I didn't think I was going to go

because I thought he was an absolute loser.

What, you think I'm a loser? No, no.

No.

That's cos you take after me.

Well...

As long as you're OK. I am.

I'm sorry. I don't hate you.

I should bloody hope not.

I'm sorry for saying that.

Dad always said to never use the word hate.

Unless I was talking about Margaret Thatcher.

Comparing me to Maggie Thatcher? Jesus!

I tell you,

you never would have shouted at him like that.

Well, I did once.

What?

Yeah.

He was using an electric razor at the kitchen table,

and I was obsessed with the shaving foam,

so I'm like, "Ahh, there's no foam".

So I asked, "Was it a better shave?" and he said it wasn't.

I was really confused and was like,

"Why are you using it if it's not better?"

And he wouldn't say.

I got really mad at him cos he'd stopped using the foam

and he wouldn't tell me why.

I just kept shouting at him and calling him stupid,

and he just sat there with his head against the wall,

just letting me shout at him.

Michael, his... His hands were too unsteady to...

Yeah, I know now, like.

I think I need to go to the doctor.

Why? What's wrong with you?

I have a swelling on my testicle.

A swelling? Is it sore?

No. No, it's just...

It's the left one. It's...

..bigger.

Right. Look, it's OK.

Right, it's probably nothing. We're going to get it sorted.

It's all going to be fine, Michael, OK?

It's all going to be fine.

SHE COUGHS

What if the doctor's a really hot woman, and she's touching my balls?

I'll definitely pop a root.

Or what if it's a creepy auld man and I still get a boner?!

Please. Please, God.

Please don't give me an erection.

DOOR OPENS

Michael Campbell? Shite.

No, Mum, I'll go myself.

Are you sure? I'll not look or anything.

I'll be grand, Mum. OK.

Well, um, I'll be out here.

If you just want to take a seat there, the doctor will be in soon.

You're not the doctor? No, I'm a student.

I'm sort of going around lots of doctors today.

Thank God.

What was that? Oh, good, that's good.

Right.

Michael, is it? Yeah.

I'm Dr Gibbon.

Right, why don't you tell me what the problem is?

Er... Well, I think...

I think I have... Well, I know, I know I have...

Take your time. I have a...swelling. A swelling? OK.

And where is it? On my testicle.

Right.

Well, there's nothing to be getting worried about just yet.

There's plenty of things it could be.

Er, why don't we have a look?

See if you just pop yourself up there, Michael

and you can get yourself sorted, and then we'll see what we can feel.

Right.

I can, um, see the swelling there.

Obviously, before I've even touched it.

Right, er, do you mind if I...?

Feel the weight of that!

You've been carrying that around with you?

Gosh.

Right.

Here, we have some medical students in here today,

do you mind if I get them in here just to have a wee look?

No! Just say no. Just say no!

So, if you all look here

and notice the swelling has actually stretched

the, er, the skin of the scrotum quite extensively,

I'll just go in and feel the epididymis.

Jumping in the sea in Donegal.

Jumping in the freezing cold Atlantic Ocean in Donegal.

The absolutely Baltic, freezing cold ocean covering my balls.

Shite! Not that cold.

Warm. Warm. Warm thoughts!

DISTANT: Although generally speaking, there's only so much...

OK, Mrs Campbell, so, erm, there is a swelling there.

It's, er, quite a large one.

But it's nothing to worry about, right?

Well, it could be a million different things.

Like what?

What we'll do is, we'll book him in for an ultrasound

as soon as possible, and we'll know where to go from there, OK?

You...can't give us any kind of indication or anything?

I'm afraid we won't know until they do the tests.

Bloody tests, never get a straight answer out of you.

It's always the way, isn't it? Look, it's nothing to panic about.

So we can book you in for an ultrasound...

..Saturday, 1:30?

Saturday? That's very soon.

Yes, well, it's good to get it sorted quickly.

Absolutely, yeah.

It can't have been easy coming here today, Michael.

I know it's tricky with a...

..sensitive issue like this.

So well done on taking the first step.

That takes courage.

Thank you.

Thanks. OK, thank you.

Right, let's get you back to school.

Thanks again. Thank you.

Here, you'll never believe the size of this wee lad's bollocks

I just had in here!

Look, I...got something for you, it's in the back there.

What is it? Have a wee look.

I was...reading about those electric ones,

and you know, apparently, apparently they're...they're bad for your skin.

So...

Thanks, Mum.

Well, just don't come crying to me when you slit your throat open.

Want one? Absolutely not, that's rotten. More for me!

What's this big news you've been refusing to tell us?

Well, I had to wait for Mick to get back from the dentist.

News like this requires a full audience.

Drum roll, please.

My parents are away this weekend.

Is your da on the run again?

Is he on a training mission with Catalan separatists?

My da wasn't in the RA. That's it, Tommy.

Don't tell them a fucking thing!

Look, my parents are away, so...

You're having a party?

Well, no, I was going to see

if the lads wanted to come round and play FIFA.

You can't NOT have a party

if your ma and da are away.

Aye? Would you come if I did?

Will there be drink? Yeah.

Yeah, there'll be booze, and music and all.

Yeah, it'll be class, yeah. Good.

Yeah, and say to anyone. All right. See you there, then.

You up for it? Yeah, if you go too.

Sounds fun.

A party?! I don't know how to organise a party!

Where am I going to get the drink? No sweat.

My cousin Cahill will get it. He's just turned 18.

OK. Sweet.

Tell him to bring a few mates as well.

Couple of older lads at a party's always good.

All right, yeah. We need some more girls.

Siobhan and Rachael will say to a few others but,

Conor, you're going to need to bring Niamh.

Well, I think she might be busy.

No, but I'll say to her anyway.

OK. Sweet.

Right, lads, this could be good.

Yeah, could be really good.

♪ There's this girl who I sort of, kind of, like

♪ Yeah, she's sort of, kind of, cool

♪ Kind of smart and kind of nice

♪ And I also guess that it would be a sort of lie

♪ If I failed to mention that she changed my fucking life... ♪

What are you doing? Nothing.

Did you just get a tattoo?

It's none of your business what I just did.

Oh-oh-oh, Mum's going to go mental.

Mum's not going to go mental, because Mum's not going to find out.

What, you're going to wear sleeves the rest of your life?

Oh, until I move out, yeah.

I bet it's crap. Is it crap?

It's not crap! Piss off. Danny said they're brilliant.

Did he make you get it?

No, he didn't make me get it, we got them together,

not that it's any of your business. Right.

You wouldn't understand.

What I understand is,

you're buying me a takeaway tonight or I'm telling Mum.

You're a wee shit.

I'm sure everything's going to be fine.

Yeah, I know, it's grand. Good.

And, you know, even if it isn't, even if it is, you know,

something more serious...

Well, you know, you're still young, you'll get through it.

God, the sooner this is over with the better.

I hate hospitals.

Just reminds me of being here with your father.

When did he know? Like, how did he get his diagnosis?

Ach, well...

We'd been in and out of here for months.

You know, doing tests, and tests and more tests.

And they never said what was wrong.

Um, and then one day, your dad says to them,

"Is it motor neurone disease?" cos I think he kind of knew,

um, but the doctor wouldn't say.

So Jimmy plagued him and plagued him

and the doctor still wouldn't say, even though it was pretty obvious

cos the junior doctor was sitting there crying her eyes out.

And then eventually, Jimmy just says to them...

"In your OPINION...

"..is it motor neurone disease?" And...

..the doctor said yes.

I was just sitting there...

..rubbing his back...

..rubbing his back.

And then he turns to me and he says, "Will you stop rubbing my back?"

I didn't know what else to do.

DOOR OPENS

Michael Campbell?

Yeah, that's me. Follow me.

Look, you're going to be OK, Michael.

Now, if you just want to take a wee seat there,

pop your trousers off, and I'll get you shaved.

Shaved? Yes, for the gel. Need to be shaved.

I got you now. Just relax.

That's you. OK.

Technician will be along soon.

It always looks bigger when it's shaved, eh? What?!

How's it going, Michael? I'll be your technician today.

What I will do is perform the scan

and then pass that information on to the doctor.

That all right? Good. Now...

I'm going to put this on your testicles.

It will be a bit cold.

Is that OK? Uh, yeah.

Whoa. Look at that.

It's a proper ultrasound image, like a baby.

A baby with no limbs or face.

Just a big boiled egg.

My left nut.

So, what is it?

If you could just lift your right leg out of the way, there.

And your left leg, please.

So what is it?

Ah, no, I'm just a technician.

I'll have to pass this on to the doctor. I can't say anything.

But you must have seen hundreds of these.

Please. What is it? I can't be saying.

But in your OPINION, what is it?

In my opinion? Yeah.

In my opinion, you have to wait for the doctor.

KNOCKS ON DOOR You all right in there, Michael?

Uh, yeah. Two seconds.

And he... He didn't give you any idea at all?

PHONE BEEPS

I don't want to die.

Please.

Please, don't let me die.