Original subtitles

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la la la, la-la la la ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ♪

[ Crowd chanting "Lamont" ]

I arrived here in an Escape Van.

Lamont! I just wanted to --

[ Cellphone rings ] One moment, please.

Blazor Wulf: Jamantha! Where is my --

So sorry.

I just wanted to personally thank you

for doing the sh-- A thank-you is most appropriated.

We both know that my presence is going to lift

your dookie ratings out of the poopy gutter

and save it from televised obscurity.

Wow! Okay. Oh.

Did you receive my Lamont Brickwater-approved

questions and clips?

No offense, but who knows better than me

what questions Strongburg wants to ask I?

We did, but don't you think the people want to dive deeper

than, "Does Furnacé really provide you with your goatees?"

Of course not!

Once again, Carthwright,

you're underestimating the powers that pee.

Do you mean "the powers that be"?

[ Slurping in distance ] Yeah. What I say?

Did I say "pee"?

'Cause I meant "be."

Be.

O-kay.

Well, I'll see you out there.

[ Man coughs ] Yes, you will, and, once again,

you're welcome.

I'm pulling an audible on this interview.

We ditching the puff-piece questions

and the weak-ass clips.

I'm about to ruin this motherfucker so bad

that if he ain't in Strongburg Prison after this,

then I ain't fit to be on TV!

Announcer: "Jammin' with Jamantha" is brought to you by...

[ Smooth R&B music playing ]

...Furnacé --

clothes for assholes.

Is it hot in here?

Or is it...Furnacé?

And bathrooms. [ Toilet flushes ]

For when you have to pee-pee.

Now onto our show.

[ Theme music plays ] [ Audience chanting "Jamantha" ]

♪♪

[ Audience murmuring ]

Hello, Strongburg!

Welcome to "Jammin' with Jamantha"!

Yo, Jamantha, where is my damn money?

I know you duckin' me, bitch! [ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles nervously ] Man: You better pay her.

Love my audience. Y'all so funny.

[ Man coughs ]

Welcome to "Jammin' with Jaman--"

[ Man coughing ]

Welcome to "Jammin' with Jamantha." [ Cheers and applause ]

Our guest today has been a trusted source

of honest, compelling, and weirdly popular

documentary films in Strongburg.

A supposed guiding light of "truth,"

but most likely a purveyor of bullshit.

She speaks of me! She speaks of Lamont Brickwater.

Woman: Hey, Lamont! [ Applause ]

We love you, Lamont!

[ Crowd chants "Lamont!" ] We love you, Lamont!

As you should.

These folks are phony as fuck. Lazor, hush.

Whoa-ho-ho, wow!

Um, welcome to the show, Lamont.

Jamantha, I love when people gather

to talk about my greatness.

Man: We love you, Lamont!

That is what this is, right? Of course.

This is about your work

and its massive influence on Strongburg.

Of course. Continue, please.

Now, would you say...

[ Chair whirs ] ...for the worst?

[ Audience gasps ] Huh?

Well, I wouldn't say that at all.

Interesting.

Let's take a look at your first feature film,

"The Mental Health of Bees."

After centuries of isolation,

bees are starving for affection and companionship.

That's a bunch of bullshit, Lamont.

These bees will all die if we don't learn to hug them!

Ya ever think about that?

Strongburg, don't let the bees die!

Hug these bees!

Hug them tight!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Man: We love you, Lamont.

Woman: I hate eating here!

So, you're very proud of that film?

As proud as a bouncing billionaire baby

breakdancing in a church full of snakes.

That film inspired a movement.

It did inspire the Hug-a-Bee Campaign...

[ Cheers and applause ] ...which in turn resulted

in the Hug-a-Bee Campaign Massacre.

Now, wait a minute. [ Audience murmuring ]

[ Bees buzzing ] Man: Aah! Aah! Bees!

Aah!

-Flee for my life! -I am tired of dying.

[ Grunts ] Owie!

These bees don't want hugs!

They don't want hugs at all!

That man told us that bees need hugs!

And they all believed him!

Like fucking idiots!

[ Audience murmuring, gasping ]

[ Chuckling nervously ]

We all learned and lived through it,

and that's what matters.

Woman: Unh-unh, nope.

Ah! That's what matters, he says.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

I do have other films,

ones that don't have attachments to massacres.

[ Chair whirs, squeaks ] Yes, you do.

The Stronbo Award-winning "Fishing with Witches"!

A bona fide classic.

Exactly!

A film that was inspired by my --

Roll that fucking clip.

Goddammit.

They say you catch fish with worms,

but at Strongburg Creek, you catch them with sandwiches.

Bruh, stop throwing sandwiches into the creek.

You're offending Battle Ham.

Whoa!

The bigger the sandwich...

the bigger the fish.

Ya ever think about that?

Woman: Ew! [ Scattered applause ]

[ Audience murmuring ]

"Fishing with Witches" debuted at number one.

It was a huge hit!

Gargantuan.

[ Scattered applause ] [ Man coughs ]

I mean, it changed the way everyone in Strongburg fished!

What you getting at, Jamantha?

I'm here at Strongburg Creek,

investigating what is affecting the quality of our water.

Excuse me, King Yeti. May I have a word?

Sure, as long as I'm able

to shout out my new clothing line after? Okay.

What do you think is affecting Strongburg's water?

Probably all the sandwiches in the water, my dude.

Of course. Thank you, King Yeti.

Hol' -- Hol' up. What about my sh--

For three years, the drinking water

tasted like corned beef.

I personally love corned beef.

[ Cow groans ]

[ Slap! ]

[ Audience murmuring ]

Man: See, right now? Our love for you is waning.

[ Murmuring continues ]

So, you're okay with destroying Strongburg's water system?

[ Gulps ] Um, no... [ Chuckles nervously ]

Lazor Wulf: Stop lying to the people, Lamont.

But I, uh -- I...

Could we take a commercial break?

[ Static hisses ] Ay-yo!

Is it hot in here?

Or is it Furnacé?

[ Wind whistling ]

[ Cellphone dinging ]

[ Man coughs ]

Wow. [ Static hisses ]

Let's talk about your final big-budget masterpiece.

We don't have to. I think the people get it.

[ Metal creaking ]

I like driving things home, Lamont.

[ Metal thuds ]

Let's show some behind-the-scenes

of that "illustrious" film.

With this treaty,

we shall end the battle and restore the dope-ass balance

between the North and South.

Lazor Wulf, the line is "restore the delicate balance."

Yeah. I'm not saying that word.

"Delicate"?

I've blown $375 on a film that was budgeted for $7.50!

Say whatever you want!

Damn, Lamont.

I thought you cared about giving the world the facts?

Facts? Here' a fact.

Strongburg is full of asshats

who will believe anything they see as long

as it says "Presented by: Lamont Brickwater."

[ Audience boos ] Canon Wulf: Change the channel!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

-Spinna a scammer! -...you, Lamont!

-Boo! -Boooo!

Lazor Wulf: Still not saying "delicate"!

Hol' up, y'all! We not done just yet!

[ Squeak! ]

Phew. Thank you for that.

Let's talk money.

Blazor Wulf: Oh, so, you willing to talk money now?!

I already paid you, wench!

So, how do you fund these films?

Is it legal? [ Laughs ]

They don't call you "Pocket Watching Carthwright"

for nothing.

Also, define "legal."

Ha ha ha.

Answer the question, Lamont.

I give all praise to my wonderful accountant.

You ain't gonna get an answer.

Whom I will not name.

-Boo! -Dumbass spinna!

No worries! Y'all know we already have him --

via Video-Chat! Lamont: Wait. What?

Thanks for giving us a moment of your time, Mr. Stallone.

Never a problem!

I love the attention!

Plus, you promised me a free hat for doing this, right?

So, Lamont won't admit to any criminal activity,

but he's never had trouble funding these large-scale films.

I was wond--

He has me cook the books and laundry the monies.

[ Audience gasps ] And, boy, do I use a lot of detergent,

if you know what I mean. That's all we needed to know.

Thank you, Mr. Stupi-- Stallone.

Uh, before I go, I want to give a shout-out to the gang!

Uh, Lazor, Canon, Blazor, Yeti!

[ Chuckles ] Your boy is Outchea!

Yay-yah!

Uh, what the fuc-- We know him?

Uh, not too sure about that.

Wow. So, after years of absorbing your fake information,

Strongburg has recently been declared

the "Most Dum-Dum Place Ever to Exist."

Woman: What the... [ Scattered applause ]

At least we're number one in something?

Beating out Milwaukee and Heaven!

[ Duck quacks ] Whaaattttt?!

Oh! Shit!

Hmm. That can't be good.

[ Duck quacks ] Duh.

We dumber than Heaven?! Fuck you, Lamont!

-Spinna a scammer! -Boo that man!

[ Audience booing ] [ Indistinct shouting ]

What do you have to say to the people of Strongburg?

I... [ Squeak! Squeak! ]

...have to pee-pee.

Woman: [ Whispering ] You are a goddamn fibber!

Canon Wulf: This suuuuuucccckkkks!

This sucks!

[ Door closes ]

[ Unzipping ]

[ Audience murmuring ]

[ Urinating ]

[ Farts ]

[ Urinating stops, water splashes ]

[ Urinating resumes ]

♪ Made some fake movies, doo doo dee ♪

♪ Did a bunch of scams, and I got off free ♪

♪ Made Jamantha look like a fool ♪

♪ Wee wee wee ♪

♪ Just gotta finish up this pee, then -- ♪

[ Sighs ]

Woop woops! Open up!

Oh, shit. [ Zipping ]

Just a second!

[ Urinating ]

[ Tickle! Tickle! ] [ Giggling ]

♪ Climbing out the window ♪ [ Brush rustles ]

[ Pants ]

♪ Running down the street ♪

[ Theme music plays ]

[ Pants ] ♪ Getting into this stolen van ♪

Man: Don't get in that van! Lamont!

I'm Jamantha Carthwright. Man: Lamont!

And this has been "Jammin with Jamantha."

[ Tires screeching ] Next week, our guest will be...

Lamont Brickwater? [ Audience booing ]

He'll be here to talk about his new film,

"Lamont Brickwater Presents:

Lamont Brickwater on 'Jammin' with Jamantha':

The Rise and Rise of Lamont Brickwater"?!

Canon Wulf: Change the channel!

Are you fucking kidding right now?

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Theme music playing ]

I gotta find the right hat!

I'm gonna be on

"Jammin' with Jamantha" next week.

No, you not, bruh.

What do you mean?!

You just got bumped for Lamont again.

But I just ordered a new Furnacé tracksuit for it.

I fucking hate Lamont Brickwater! [ Lightning zapping ]

[ Laptop sizzles ]