Original subtitles

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la la la, la-la la la ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ♪

♪♪

I don't get no fuckin' respect in Strongburg.

-Oh, God. -I'm serious!

I'm the only person covering the news,

and somehow I can't get a damn nomination

for any damn news awards?

Not even a damn thank you for the damn work that I damn do?

Shit, I can't even get a decent damn story to cover.

Uh, that'll be $25.

Ooh, looky here! Late for work.

Gotta go. You know I got to make my time, girl.

Jamantha!

Uh-huh, that's what I'm talkin' about!

And that's why healthcare is free here in Strongburg,

all thanks to me.

Boys, I have bad news.

Stupid Horse will die.

W-Wait. You didn't let me finish.

You left a mad gap in the sentence, signaling a period.

We thought your sentence was over.

That's on you.

He will die if we don't get anesthesia.

The pain is too much to bear.

And the hospital is completely out.

[ Scream ]

My friends! Oh, gosh.

It is so good to see you guys.

My ankies hurt so badly!

But now, seeing your smiling faces, I feel so --

[ Grunts ] Now you can work on him, Doc.

Amazing.

Are you outta anesthesia to knock spinnas out

when you got to do surgery when they break they ankles?

Because -- Wait.

How did Stupid Horse break his ankles?

I mean, honestly, he broke them three times in season one,

so who even remembers at this point?

Anyway, get Canon Wulf's hands for the low price of $19.99,

to knock out your dumbass patients.

All right, boys, I'll have your friend out in no time.

Oh, scrambled eggs!

I forgot to ask Mr. Horse if there was anything

cosmetic he wanted done while he was under the knife.

You guys seem like close personal friends

of Stupid Horse.

Who -- Who's Stupid Horse?

Is there anything you'd like for him to have done?

Hmm!

I think homey should get new teeth.

Like, lots of them.

Like that actor dude, Denz--

We now interrupt this fantasy for a breaking new report.

Hello? Can someone give me the fucking news report?

Thank you. [ Clears throat ]

This just in -- Mayor Webb has escaped from Milwaukee.

You know how this ends, Webb.

No one escapes Milwaukee.

We join the high-speed chase currently underway.

[ Horns honking ]

Mayor Webb, can the people get a couple of words

on this attempted escape from Milwaukee?

I'm just in a rush to get back home

'cause a homey of mine hit me up

about a "pyramid job selling forks," you know.

I don't even know what that means,

but pyramids are pretty foul.

God damn it! Another stupid...

Wait a minute. There's a story here.

A dum-dum actually succeeding

in escaping the cornball hell that is Milwaukee?

I can see it now.

Every lame has their day. Ooh!

I'm definitely leveling the fuck up with this shit.

No the hell you ain't!

Get your nosy ass outta my business!

What the fuck?

Oh, hell no!

I do not have enough free health benefits for this.

This job sucks!

You asked -- actually, demanded that I remind you about --

Oh, shit! "Blue Bloods"!

Y'all know what it is.

It's my recurring bit.

I'll be back in 45 minutes.

[ Horns honking ]

Hello, gang.

I am so sorry that...

I dropped my cup of blood!

Happens all of the time.

As I said, I'm not a doctor.

Now, your friend is doing fine,

and there's still time to add in any last-minute changes.

Yo! What if they shrunk dude down to the size of a germ

or whatever and I use him to clean my fur?

Can't get nothing going right. Just my life, just...

[ Gunfire ringtone ]

Ah! Jamantha. My money.

Yo, keep your head down,

or I will pour water directly into your eye.

I know you ducking me, Jamantha.

Ain't nobody ducking shit.

I'm busting my ass trying to get this story shit.

I don't even have time to have lunch.

[ Man coughs ]

Okay.

You mistakin' me for someone who gives a shit.

Ugh! Meet me somewhere for the money.

Somewhere? Where, bitch?

Whew! You fixed the damn Gyrocopter yet?

I ain't tryna lose this story.

♪♪

Oh, he could have a cereal dispenser.

That could cut out going to the store.

And a DVD player!

Then I could sell mine!

Uh, okay.

I can try my best.

How about a horse?

[ Woman speaks foreign language ]

Do you even remember what Stupid Horse looks like?

To be honest, no.

Oh! So we know him.

-Sorta. -Mm.

"Blue Bloods" will be right back

after this quick news update,

ya dipshit.

It fuckin' better.

This episode is the worst one yet.

I love it!

It looks like Mayor Webb is now at Musty's --

an interesting stop during a high-speed chase.

Maybe he has to pee-pee?

Actually, I'm on my way back to Jowanne Fabric.

Uh, just got off the phone with my boy.

Yeah, the whole fork pyramid job

I was telling y'all about fell through,

all the way through, so that ain't working.

Uh, but I'm not going back to Milwaukee.

I just can't.

Jowanne's. So, what's your plan?

[ Grunts ]

[ People scream ]

All I know is somebody better give me a job application,

or this guy right here -- hey, what's your name?

It's me -- Ralph!

You know me, Webb!

Yeah. Ralph, Ralph. Ralph is gonna get it!

Oh, please!

One just can't simply apply to Jowanne's.

This isn't Musty's.

You have to be qualified before you can

even think to apply to Jowanne's.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! I am qualified, okay?

Are you, now?

What kind of needle you holding?

Uh, uh, this is a -- a knitting s--

Um, a knitting needle!

[ Laughs ] Amateur.

That is the Earth, Wool & Fire 300

with cooling technology and airbags.

You aren't worthy.

The standoff continues, then!

God damn it, Webb!

Folks don't care about no hostage situation.

Now give me my redemption story, dickhead.

Never!

Thought I wouldn't find you, huh?

Oh, shit! Blazor!

Enough with the slick shit, Jamantha.

Wait. You wear glasses.

So that means you're smart, right?

Yes, I do, and yes, I am.

Blazor, can you help this dickhead prove

that he can work at Jowanne's?

[ Sighs ] Look, I'm just here for my money,

and one can't just simply work at Jowanne's.

You have to be qualified.

Wait. How do you know that?

Because I am one of the qualified.

I used to work at Jowanne's.

-Yay! -Congratulations, Blazor.

Employee of the month again.

We'd like to promote you to manager of Jowanne's.

Mm. No, thanks. [ All gasp ]

I think I'm gonna go open my own hair salon with my bonus money.

Peace.

-No, not Blazor! -Aw, that's a shame.

But you were the prodigal child!

-No! -I'm gonna die.

Well, that's fucking perfect.

You can definitely help this sad motherfucker get the gig.

Do it, and I'll give you your money, I promise.

Y'all both sad motherfuckers, TBH.

Well, I won't be after this.

Plus, it'll make you look good,

and that's got to be great for your business.

Businesses.

[ Gasps ] Oh, great.

The prodigal child has returned.

Mayor Webb, I'm gonna help you get a job at Jowanne's.

You're not welcome.

Yay! [ Chuckles ]

Yes!

♪♪

You aren't looking within.

I'm trying, God damn it!

Don't try -- do.

Silence your mind.

It's not about the fabric of the store.

It's about the fabric of your mind, of your character.

It's about the fabric of you.

You are ready.

♪♪

Now you can apply.

No need for him to apply.

Mayor Webb, you're hired!

Hell yeah!

Jamantha, my money.

[ Sighs ]

Wait. Let me just ask.

Have you ever thought about investing in the film industry?

Whoo! This story about to put your girl on a new level!

The price just went up, Strongburg.

The price just went...

[ Buzzer ] ...up?

No, no, no!

Tell me you recorded this. Lie to me! I don't care!

Just tell me you fuckin' recorded this!

I'm not a doctor!

Hey, homies.

Check out my new fingees!

♪♪

Who? What the fuck are you?

It's me, Yeti! Stupid Horse.

I get it. It's hard to recognize me with my new look.

-Yeah, okay. -Hands?!

Nobody asked Frasier for any damn hands!

These are useless!

Mm, yeah.

How are they supposed to make our lives better?

If anything, it's just upsetting.

More like...

upsettingly dope!

Nah, just upsetting.

Well, I don't care.

I love my hands.

And I want to know what silk feels like.

You eat my damn sandwich, and then you break my camera!

Nah, wench, you gon' fix this!

Where's the glue aisle?

I just love feeling things with my new fingees!

You having hands is getting annoying, fast.

I can touch this, and this, and that!

[ Gasps ] Ooh!

Cashmere! [ Gasps ]

So that's what that feels like with hands!

Incredible! Ahh!

Um, excuse me. Sir?

-Yes? -Mayor Webb?!

-Ha-ha! -Hello, sir.

Hello!

And welcome to Jowanne's, and also my first day at work.

Amazing!

Can I get 200 yards of this fine silkity-silk?

And can I get 200 yards of you going back to Milwaukee?

[ Blade thunks ] [ Sobbing ] My fingees!

♪♪

♪♪