Original subtitles

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la la la, la-la la la ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ♪

And we all know who y'all got to thank for introducing

the Heated Toilet seat to Strongburg right?

Hmm.

Ugh.

Was it Battle Ham?

Y'all know what it is.

Folks were living in the damn Dark Ages before that.

Listen, Lazor Wulf, as your bestest homie,

I say that sounds like a bunch of horse sh--

I'm usually not one to mix shit-talk with food-talk,

but shout-out to the homie Battle Ham

for all his contributions to our modern society.

[ Smack! Smack! Smack! ]

If you can't carry 7,000 mozzarella sticks,

then it shouldn't be on option on the damn "Food Go-Go" app.

I hear you, but let's be our most honest selves right now.

Do you really need any more mozzarella sticks?

Oh, shit.

Dude must have hit his head or something.

Shut up, Wallace!

Are you saying I need to go on a diet?

Unh-unh. Don't put that on me, bro.

Oh, here it go.

So "Food Go-Go" thinks I need to go on a diet, huh?

Well, I guess I'm going on a fucking diet,

and y'all know when I go on a diet...

[ Sighs ] The whole world goes on a diet.

That's fucking right.

Unless folks ate already.

So...how do I get hooooom--

[ Smack! ]

Huh? Huh?

What the hell?

Y'all know I don't mix magic with my food.

My corn and pizza rolls!

Brr! I demand to speak to a manager right now.

Woman: Good thing we ate already.

Anyone seen where Battle Ham went?

No idea, my dude.

[ Whirring ]

Hola, dickheads.

Look what I just bought off the Dorkhole.

Oh, shit.

Did y'all blow up another Esther's?

Nah. It -- It just disappeared.

Nice tank.

How we talking about tanks when Battle Ham

and all of the food is gone?

Well, I mean, it is a ham, and ham is food, so...

Ah! Hey, watch your mouth.

Battle Ham is more than food.

Whoa. You can't be fighting on no empty stomach, my dude.

You're right, Yeti.

I lost my composure.

So Battle Ham is -- is really gone?

Looks that way, my dude.

So y'all want to go home and watch "My Bruther and Mee"?

Goo Punch! Everybody!

Goo Punch!

I can't, not with BH gone.

I'm so sorry, Lazor.

I bought a fucking tank.

[ Sighs ]

Dude loved tanks... and heated toilet seats.

We were living in the Dark Ages before those.

Shout-out to the homie, for real.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Jet Skis, chocolaty cereal, box braids --

That was all Battle Ham.

Well, Battle Ham introduced me to Gladys.

[ Barks ]

Battle Ham taught me how to load my first gat.

Ooh, lil buster taught me how to drive my biggety bus.

And let's not forget that Battle Ham also produced

the Josh Hartnett-starring vehicle "The Faculty."

What? No. Y'all are missing the...

Ham! Battle Ham! Battle Ham!

Never mind. I'm going to the mall.

That was Battle Ham's third favorite place.

You want us to come with you,

you know, mainly me, your bestest homie?

No. I'd rather go alone.

Plus, Battle Ham never really liked you.

[ Gasps ]

You're hugging me too tight.

Car sticker? Hell yes.

These folks are phony as fu--.

It is I, Lamont Brickwater, and tonight, I plan

on premiering the beginning of my 37-part docuseries,

"The Strongest of Hams. The Battle Ham Story."

I, Lazor Wulf, am not okay with this.

Merch! Merch! Merch!

Canon, what the fuck is this?

What it is, is what it look like --

celebrating a lost soul the only way one should,

with merch!

[ Zap! ]

'Cause we family, I'm-a let that slide,

but you better change your fucking attitude.

More like Hater Wulf.

Oh, no.

Wah! Wah! Oh!

Look at you. [ Growls ]

Bet you hungry as hell.

Shut up, Wallace! Ah!

Strongburg-ians...

What's going on here, Kim?

Hey, Lazor. You here for Yeti's show too, huh?

Yeti's show? Audience:Yay!

You are gathered to witness my newest of trick,

one that I've named

Battle Ham Is the Greatest Friend

I Have Ever Fucking Had.

Audience: Yay!

I will perform this trick

both blindfold and then backwards.

Better not, though.

[ Sighs ]

Lazor Wulf leaves as Yeti pulls off the trick with ease.

Mm, mm, mm. So much anger in his little heart.

Probably just hungry.

No.

No.

No!

♪ You say you overlook? ♪

♪ Nah, you just overcook ♪

♪ How you gonna roast me ♪

♪ When I wrote the cookbook? ♪

[ Laughs ]

Oh, we rap for our food 'round here, baby.

Well, prepare to be blown away

because I'm not only the best rapper...

[ Stomach growls ]

...but I'm also hungry.

♪ Mayonnaise, lettuce, pickles, and meat ♪

♪ Two slices of bread and a side of cheese ♪

That ain't no freestyle.

That was a lunch order.

[ Laughs ] Give me back my mic.

What you mean? That was great.

Give me something to eat now.

Can't you see I'm hungry?

Please, feed me.

Fuck no.

You gon' starve to death.

You hear me?! You gon' starve.

[ Crying ]

Yep. I give this, like, 5 more minutes.

Coming up in a couple minutes --

If a horse is stupid, and nobody hears it...

[ Zap! ]

♪♪

You ain't never had your ass beat, huh?

Hmm. Don't think I have.

[ Crying ]

We were beyond friends, Jamantha.

We were family.

There wasn't a day we didn't go to the mall.

[ Crying ]

So I've petitioned to get Strongburg

to be renamed to StrongHam,

and we will be meeting at Strongburg Square

[Crying] to properly commiserate my buddy.

[ Cries ]

Mmm, that's that good shit.

Okay. I'm ready.

Wait. Are we li-- Are we live?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Do you hate me that much?

You fucking got me on TV looking like a Goddamn --

[ Static ]

That, right there, is the last straw.

These motherfuckers play too much.

[ Chatter ]

[ Slam! ]

Unh-unh.

Walk back out that door and walk in my store

like you got some damn sense.

For real?

[ Creaking ]

So what's your problem?

It's disgusting, and I am disgusted.

Oh, the Battle Ham thing.

Look, folks are going to mourn how they mourn.

Nah, fuck that.

Folks can go get their own dead friends to mourn.

Spinna, Battle Ham is everyone's dead friend now,

and you got to live with that.

Also, you don't own the dude.

And neither does -- Hey, boss.

It looks like your copyright for Battle Ham --

Okay, thanks, Kinny! Bye!

What did you file a copyright for?

Uh, hmm, uh, how do I put this?

Damn, Blazor, really? Look.

The opportunity presented itself, and I took it.

You know me.

I'm a grabber of opportunities.

That is so fucked up.

Look. It seemed like a great idea at the time.

And what time was that?

'Cause the homie and the food disappeared 7 minutes ago.

About 10 minutes ago.

Look. Just take it.

Seriously, take it before I change my mind.

For real? Yes!

Consider it an early and last birthday present.

I don't usually thank folks, but --

Well, don't start today 'cause that's not how we were raised.

Well, I've got one more last favor to ask.

People of Strongburg, it's me, ♪ Stupid Horse ♪

Thank you for pulling up to this special occasion.

Battle Ham! Battle Ham!

Shut up!

I'm fucking talking here.

We are here for Battle Ham, my best friend,

and we are here to get Strongburg renamed to...

[Deep voice] StrongHam.

[ Sighs ] Can we cheer now,

or you gon' tell us to shut up again?

Oh, uh, yeah. Y'all can cheer now.

Audience: Uh, yay!

Okay. That's enough.

I also wrote a song that ♪ I'd love to sing ♪

Ah!

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ It's Armageddon ♪

Where'd that come from?

Over there.

-Oh, go, go. Get out of the way! -Ah!

All of y'all dum-dums have 3 seconds to disperse.

Lazor Wulf, what is this about?

You know what this is about.

Y'all being annoying as fuck

and lying on my dead homie's name,

and now that I own the rights, it'll strictly be pay-to-play.

Is this about the T-shirts?

Abandon ship, my dudes.

Motherfucker done lost his mind!

That's right, Strongburg. Skedaddle, dickheads!

Go home.

No, StrongHam-ians Do not run.

We must stand and...

You know what? Never mind.

I'm not dying for this.

Mnh-mnh.

[ Glass shatters ]

No.

I don't want to rap.

Don't make me rap.

I am so freaking hungry.

I can't even sleep.

I'm having nightmares where I got to freestyle for my food.

Freestyle?

Just bring the damn food back.

[ Crying ] Goddamn.

We have so much space here now.

I'm-a see if I can buy this up real quick.

Shit.

There goes my five-story mini mall.

Lazor, remember our deal.

You owe me 1 day's help in my new plant store.

Gas for tanks ain't cheap.

Yeah, yeah.

[ Flies buzzing ]

Oh, shit.

Battle Ham?

Yo, where you been dude?

You had these clowns thinking you were dead in the streets.

They were coming out the woodwork,

making false claims on your name,

and you know I couldn't let that slide.

Well, no worries.

It's handled, and you're welcome.

Anyways, you hungry?

'Cause I ain't eaten a damn thing in about 11 minutes.

Oh, yeah, one more thing.

I own you now, and you caused 30 million in damage

that you have to pay.

Wallace, order me 800 lemon-pepper wings

right the fuck now!

I'm hungry, Goddammit.

♪♪