Original subtitles

(Man whispering) I'm sorry, Micky.

Micky, I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

It just came on me like that. (Clicks fingers)

Just like that.

Like that.

You know, I've never let you down in the past, Micky.

Shut up, Ronnie. Shut up.

Sorry, Micky.

You know, the doctor said, "Don't whisper, don't speak."

Never mind sing.

We're gutted, Micky.

We're gutted.

Shut up.

If this happens again, Micky...

we're going to have to go back to the docks.

- Nancy! - Nancy.

(Both laugh)

(♪ Jazz)

(Music drowns out speech)

(Nancy) Hi.

Hello. Hi. How are you doing?

See you later.

Girls. Mwah! How are you?

Yeah. No, I can't. Speak to you later.

Bye.

Some of that, sir. Thank you.

- Oh, boys! What's all this about? - Can we have two more glasses?

(Nancy) What's the occasion, then? (Man 1) Who needs an occasion?

- Nancy here? - (Both) Yeah.

- Champagne? - (Both) Yeah.

Give that to her halfway through the second verse.

What?

I'm going on.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?

Please, please, may I have your attention?

Please, thank you. Can I have some quiet, please?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The fire brigade have just phoned to tell us

that Ronnie Lavelle is being cut out of his Ford Capri

in the worst car crash in the history of the M6 motorway.

- (Dramatic piano chords) - (Man) You're joking.

(Piano stops, chatter)

Thank you.

But, at very short notice,

we are proud to present

the man who put the heart back into Heartlys.

Mr Micky O'Neill.

(Drum roll)

(Piano playing)

(Man) We didn't pay to see you, O'Neill.

♪ If I don't see her

♪ Each day

♪ I miss her

♪ And, gee, what a thrill

♪ Each time I kiss her

♪ Believe me, I've got a case...

(Woman) You're rubbish, O'Neill, get off.

♪ Of Nancy

♪ With the laughing face

♪ She takes the winter and makes it summer

♪ I'll tell you

♪ Summer could take some lessons from her

♪ Picture a tomboy in lace

♪ That's Nancy

♪ With the laughing face

♪ Have you ever heard mission bells ringing?

♪ Well, she gives you that very same glow

♪ Just to speak

♪ You would swear it was singing

♪ Just to hear her say hello

- What you got there? - ♪ Keep Audrey Hepburn

♪ Lamour and Taylor

♪ Nancy's the feature

♪ And they're just the trailer

♪ No one could ever replace

♪ My Nancy

♪ With the laughing face ♪

Very good.

Make love to me, Micky, make love to me.

Micky, I love you!

Micky!

I love you!

Vice versa, love. Vice versa.

- I don't believe it! - What?

Vice versa? Vice versa, what is vice versa?

- Vice versa. - What's wrong?

You haven't really made love to me yet.

Damn it, we were there.

- Micky! - What?

- No, I mean ever. - What?

Jesus, you just can't say it, can you?

Nancy! Nancy, no. Munchkin. Plum-plum.

Bollocks!

Vice versa.

(Micky) They've got to be universal, they've got to be popular and they've got to be live.

Mr Everybody?

Not universal.

Coffee and Cream?

Not popular. God!

Frank Sinatra?

What?

Frank Sinatra.

No. F-R-A-N-C.

C-l-N-A-T-R-A.

Show me.

Does it work?

Fools them down south, Micky.

Yeah!

Bollocks.

Book him.

Where's the book?

- (Song ends) - Yeah.

(Few people clapping)

♪ Eat me up and then you'll

♪ Taste what's on the menu

♪ Lick your lips

♪ Some sweet delights

♪ We have here

- ♪ For you tonight... - (Man laughing)

Where does it hurt you, baby?

- (Woman) In my ears. - OK, Oscar, hit it.

♪ You're a delightful dish

♪ I'm hooked

♪ Just like a fish

♪ I'll jump from Brooklyn Bridge to Queens

♪ Fly it with me

♪ Take a ride with me

♪ Mmm, sky high with me

♪ Into my world of dreams

♪ Zan-zan-zanidoo ♪

The Ryans are here, Micky.

Tell them I'm on the golf course with Tony Bennett.

- They're in the office. - Bollocks.

- Have you found anybody? - Josef Locke.

He's big. He's Irish.

- He's a bigger draw than the Pope. - Boys.

I didn't go and see the Pope. What is he?

- He sings. - Women weep.

The Ryans weeping?

This I've got to see.

Cup of tea? Sherry?

Take a seat.

This is nice.

The Ryan family has owned this building for 50 years.

We needed a two-thirds majority to get you dismissed.

- We got three thirds. You're out. - Three thirds. It's a lot, isn't it?

It wasn't difficult.

Misuse of funds. Not paying our seven-and-a-half per cent commission.

- No management responsibilities. - No competency.

I'm 30.

I was born in peacetime.

I haven't been where you've been. I haven't seen what you've seen.

I didn't have much of a family.

And, when I came here to Britain, I thought, well, you know,

maybe I could make this Irish community my family.

And, you know, to a certain extent, I think I have.

There are givers...

and there are takers.

There are those who find a kind of giving in their taking.

That's me.

If ever I've taken, and I can't consciously say that I ever have,

I've found a kind of giving in my taking.

Bollocks.

- (AIl) Bollocks. - (Woman) Yeah.

You're a bollocks!

Who have you booked for next week?

Bing Crosby with a K?

No, Josef Locke.

Get away.

We've got him for one week.

I don't believe you.

Jo Locke's a wanted man.

Tax or fraud or something.

He'd be arrested if ever he returned to England.

- We know. - You know?

We know it's Jo.

Youse all know it's Jo.

But we don't bill him as Jo.

Then what do we bill him as, Ricky-fucking-Robert?

No. Mr X.

"Is it or isn't it?"

We're not allowed even to mention Jo Locke.

How it is these days.

Well, you can't get more popular than Jo-bleeding-Locke.

So, do I stay open or do you lose Josef Locke?

Seven-and-a-half per cent of that would do nicely.

(♪ Whistling Dance playing)

(Whistles to tune of music)

(Thunder)

Wait here.

You see these two goldfish?

Apparently, they have an attention span of only three seconds

so that means every time they go around and meet again,

it's as if they've never met, and they can start again.

Is this you saying you're sorry?

What I'm saying is you could say that goldfish don't know what missing is.

But Nancy...

I don't think that's true.

I hear you can sing.

- Who are you? - I'm Cathleen Doyle, Nancy's mother.

Are these because she's a Pisces?

- What? - The two fish.

Absolutely.

What country, friend, is this?

Caught between great icebergs of doubt

Nipped upon the frozen floods of philosophic despair

Let nodding tempests of verbosity whistle round your bottles

Michael, row the boat ashore for this peripatetic fugitive.

Will a grand a week do?

To know yourself you've got to keep up with yourself.

But your self moves on,

and is not today what it was yesterday,

and you've got to run to keep up with it.

Twelve-fifty.

Running after a figment of ourselves...

Thirteen hundred.

Ah, clever Odysseus,

who outwitted the cyclop...

Cash?

Upfront.

We go up at eight.

And for fuck's sake, Jo...

don't talk to nobody.

Serendipity.

(Laughs)

Micky, City Scene want an interview. They're outside.

He's not the full shilling, is he?

Norman Vaughan's outside with about 40 other people. Norman Vaughan!

The lift doesn't reach the top floor.

I said I was your personal assistant, they said, "Come on with him."

Yes, sure, love. No sweat.

- Is he going to stay the distance? - He's a pro, Micky. He's a pro.

Does he run this operation, this Micky O'Neill?

I remember this when it was a music hall.

Micky baby, you're looking great.

Listen, this is what we're going to do.

I'm going to talk to you about booking someone as controversial as Jo.

So, we're going to have to do this straight away, OK?

This is television, Micky. This is television, Micky baby.

OK, wet your lips, Nancy.

Now, how many of you out there remember the famous Irish tenor, Josef Locke?

This was the question put to 100 Merseysiders

on hearing the news that Jo Locke was topping the bill at Heartlys tonight.

Twenty said they thought he was dead,

thirty said they were sure he was serving a life sentence,

thirteen thought he was a tax exile in Ireland,

and 35 said, "Jo who?"

All this, however, is overshadowed by one exceptional statistic.

So, let's ask local impresario, boss of Heartlys, Micky O'Neill,

why it's a sell-out. Micky.

Well, I suppose it's because he's the epitome

of live popular universal entertainment and he's a great guy.

Yeah, but what's he like? You've met him. What's he really like?

He's, ha-ha... He's, he's very poetic, very unto himself.

But isn't there a risk involved? Booking a wanted man?

It's a risk I'm prepared to take. These people deserve it.

Nancy, what a pretty girl.

You come here. I believe you have a story of your own, is that right?

Me mum will kill me for this.

- Anyway, in 1958... - Fifty-eight.

...me mum won Miss Dairy Goodness and Jo Locke was the judge.

And she's coming to see him tonight for the first time in 25 years.

- First time in 25 years. - That's the story.

- What's your mother's name? - Cathleen Doyle.

Cathleen Doyle! So, Cathleen Doyle was Miss Dairy Goodness in 1958...

And to conclude this most memorable event...

one last look at these ravishing beauties.

One last look...

while our judge reaches his decision.

And what more fitting way than to ask Jo?

We will never forget this.

None of us. Ever.

Jo's taking his time.

Hard decision.

Jo's gone for Cathleen.

He likes her.

He likes her! Well done, Cathleen.

One thousand pounds to Miss Dairy Goodness.

(Laughs)

That's enough, Jo.

We... We won't tell a soul.

We won't tell a soul.

(Chuckles)

Last word for the viewers.

There's going to be fireworks tonight, believe you me.

Believe you him, and always remember, folks,

do unto others but do it quick.

This has been Norman Vaughan for City Scene, outside Heartlys.

You can't keep it shut, can you?

But everybody knows.

Turn, please.

Once again, please.

How do I look?

You look fatal. How do you feel?

(Seamstress) Turn, please.

I feel sick.

(Man) Once-in-a-lifetime chance to hear the great Josef Locke.

Come along, ladies. They're only five pounds each.

(Man 2) You're welcome.

(Man 1) Don't Locke Jo up, ladies and gentlemen. Two for a tenner.

Thank you, sir. Don't Locke Jo up.

Erm, medium.

Could I see Mr O'Neill, please?

And your name, sir?

Jim Abbott.

Chief Constable.

The chief constable to see you, Micky.

You can't do it, Chief.

The big guy's so popular here, I've extended the run.

You can't do it to these people. We put everything into this.

Yeah, I can see that.

Look...

just give me to the end of the run and then...

you can stick the bastard away for as long as you like.

I'd like a house seat, Mr O'Neill.

And now you can take me to his dressing room.

(Buzzing)

(Buzzing continues)

(Buzzing stops)

Thank you, Mr O'Neill.

Everything OK?

- The man is a fake. - What?

You mean I'm paying three grand a week for a fake?

I don't think you need to worry, Mr O'Neill.

I'm the only person here tonight who'd know the difference.

But, Chief... Chief!

If it's not Jo Locke, and you know that,

why are you staying to see the show?

Curiosity.

You go up in 15.

Good luck.

(Whispers) Jo.

Compliments from Micky, ladies.

Enjoy yourselves.

Everyone all right?

- Thanks for the champagne. - No problem.

- How are the Ryans, then? - You did well to get him, Micky.

Gordon, bring the ladies another bottle of champagne.

Get away.

Nice crowd tonight, Micky.

Yeah, well, he's the real thing, isn't he?

I'll be the judge of that.

- Is it me? - What?

Your nose is bleeding.

See you later.

Barry, have you met the chief of police?

Jim Abbott, Barry Hayden.

How's it going, mate, everything all right?

A touch comes when the white mind sleeps and only then.

Yeah, right. Listen.

See that very tasty lady out there?

You had an affair with her 25 years ago.

I think I would have remembered that, Michael. She's a fine-Iooking filly.

Her name's Cathleen. Sing to her, you could be on a winner.

Come to think of it, I do...

(♪ Band playing I'll Take You Home Again, Cathleen)

(Applause)

♪ I'll take you home again, Cathleen

♪ Across the ocean

♪ Wild and wide

♪ To where your heart has ever been

♪ Since first you were my bonnie bride

♪ The roses all

♪ Have left your cheeks

♪ I've watched them fade away and die

♪ Your voice is sad

♪ When e'er you speak

♪ And tears

♪ Bedim your loving eyes

♪ Oh

♪ I will take you back, Cathleen

♪ To where your heart will feel no pain

♪ And when the fields are fresh and green

♪ I'll take you... ♪

Happy hour?

We're still counting the advance, Micky.

This is the night's takings here.

It's only the beginning, fellas. Only the beginning.

Look at me. You'd think I was 18.

Thanks.

Has someone upset you, love?

No. Are you enjoying it?

Oh... (Chuckles) Oh, I'm enjoying the whole thing.

He's, erm...

He's not quite what he was, though.

How many of us are?

Well, you.

(Laughs)

What's funny?

How is it you can lock something away for 25 years,

almost make yourself believe it doesn't exist...

...then some heel sings a song and you love him.

And you can't imagine a world without men.

That's funny.

(♪ Blaze Away - We'll Make A Bonfire Of Our Troubles)

♪ Ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha

♪ We'll make a bonfire of our troubles

♪ And we'll watch them blaze away

♪ And when they've all gone up in smoke clouds

♪ We'll never worry should there come another day

♪ And as the bonfire...

Carlo, it's Micky. Table for two, my account, in the name of Mr X.

Yep, Mr X. Yeah, it went great. Great.

I'll get you two for Thursday. Buy you one later.

Oh, and Carlo, put them by the aquarium. Ciao.

♪... troubles blaze away! ♪

(Cheering and applause)

Over here! Help yourselves, help yourselves.

- Must be the luck of the Irishmen. - Bollocks.

I think you'll find this

a very square-shouldered little wine, Cathy.

I married him on the rebound.

It was just after you left and I was...

I was in pieces.

For a while I thought he was... tearing up your letters.

But there weren't any, were there?

I had to be persona non grata, Cathy.

Did I leave anything behind?

Nancy?

Oh, no. No.

Nancy's not yours.

And your husband?

He died seven years ago.

Cast a cold eye on life, on death. Horseman, pass by.

Horseman, pass by.

He was a sweet man.

Till the day he died he called me...

Miss Dairy Goodness.

- Why was that, then? - (♪ Mariachi music)

(♪ Irish folk music)

(Cheering)

I don't know.

Maybe it's just us. Was it him or wasn't it?

You just take it from one who knows, love.

You close your eyes and you cast your mind back 30 years,

and you see and hear what you want to see and hear.

(Folk music continues, muffled)

Are this lot having a good time or aren't they?

Will they have sore heads in the morning or won't they?

- Do I love you or don't I? - You better, you better.

- What about your ma and Mr X? - What?

Well, is it or isn't it?

Are they or aren't they? Will they or won't they?

Look, love, is she going to worry tomorrow, was it or wasn't it?

The thing is, she's having a good time and it's all down to us.

I mean, stick with me and you'll be farting through silk.

I don't know who the fuck that man is up there,

but I know who you are, O'Neill, and I know what you are.

(People whispering)

I should never have done this.

Nancy.

Get your coat. We're going home.

(People gasping)

(People muttering)

- (AII shouting) - (Man) I want my money back!

Come on! I paid for tickets. I want my money back.

To ask you again, you have no other sets of keys to the premises?

And you have no other personal assets or monies

that you've not already declared within this document?

I'm sorry, I need a yes or a no.

No.

Thank you.

Here's your copy.

♪ When your heart is... ♪

Thanks for showing up, fellas.

What are we going to do, Micky?

You're going to house-sit this place for a couple of weeks.

Why? What are you going to do?

I'm going home.

(Horn blares)

Shut up, ya...

(Siren wails)

(Horn blares)

Get out of here!

(Horn)

(Bell clanging)

(Man) Morning.

Hello.

Give us one of those sandwiches.

Hey? Yeah, thanks. Great.

The strip.

You want to sit in while you wait?

(Typewriter clacking)

You know, when I first met him he hadn't two pins to rub together.

Molly, this specimen used to be Micky O'Neill.

- We very rarely see him out in daylight. - I need five pounds for the carriage, Fintan.

Molly, petty cash, please.

What's with the map?

What the map shows, Mr O'Neill,

is that each artist is represented by a pinhead.

How you doing?

That's my mate there. I haven't got any...

Thanks very much. Thank you.

Where do I come in?

Look, have I asked you for anything yet?

No, but it's coming.

I'm here to find Jo Locke.

- Jesus Christ, you're a madman. - Father.

The man went AWOL 25 years ago, no one's heard tell of him since.

What if he's dead? God spare him.

I know he's here, Fintan.

He's more than just a booking to me. Make some calls, will you?

(Fintan) Yeah.

Right. I have another one for Killarney.

Thanks, Noel. Yeah, they're fine.

Yeah, Sheila's fine too. Thanks.

Well, Noel says he thinks he saw Jo Locke

at a cattle auction in Tullamore about 18 months ago.

So, that's six for Arklow, five for Killarney, four for Tralee,

and one for Tullamore.

Right.

We go to Tullamore.

Not me, Micky. Ha. No way.

(♪ Movin')

♪ Moving

♪ My buddy and me

♪ We're moving

♪ The freeway before us

♪ Eating it up

♪ The sun in our eyes

♪ We're moving ♪ Yeah

♪ From Mobile to Maine, yeah

♪ We're grooving

♪ All glisten and chrome

♪ Hi fiddle-dee-dee

♪ If you mess with me

♪ You mess with my buddy

♪ And if you knew my buddy

♪ I'm telling you, buddy

♪ You'd never mess with me

♪ Bud-doo-da, yeah ♪

(Micky) That is good. That is good.

(Thunder)

You told me left!

You said it was supposed to be left. I don't know which way to go.

How could we miss the tower at Doonagore?

There's only one explanation. Take your jacket off.

- What? - Just do as I tell you.

Take your jacket off, turn it inside out, put it back on again.

You're wired to the moon, O'Donnell. What's that in aid of?

The fairies.

They get you lost on purpose.

- The fairies? - They are bastards.

(Croaking)

Where are you sleeping?

Just fix the groundsheet, will you? Do you take sugar?

(Micky) Aye. Three.

Three? You're as thin as a stick, how come?

(Micky) Worry.

- Do you ever see any of the rest of them? - Now and again.

I see Keiran a wee bit. He's married.

He's got seven children.

We all heard you were doing really well.

There was even some rumour about you going steady.

Course, I didn't believe any of that.

Aye, I blew it.

Mrs Keegan was right.

There's a bit of a want in me.

I don't know what it is, though.

Ah, well, she was right about all of us.

Switch that torch off.

(Owl hoots)

- This is the place. - Aye, it's great, isn't it?

No, this is the place we're looking for.

- All right. God bless the little people. - God bless them.

Right, away down and get us some water for a drop of tea?

The well's empty, there's a stream in the woods. Here.

(Laughs)

(Man) Here, girl!

Here, girl!

(Claps) Come on!

That's it!

(Dog whimpers)

What do you see?

(Sighs)

Is it or isn't it?

Yeah.

Fintan! Fintan!

- Start the car. Get her going. - What?

He's in that car.

He's in that car, let's go.

Where's my container?

What about the trout? Jesus!

(Micky) Come on.

(Micky) Hurry up! (Fintan) I love trout.

- Come on, let's go, let's go! - I'm coming, I'm coming!

- Come on! - It won't start!

(Yelling)

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

- (Micky) Have you got the photograph? - Under the seat.

Is this it?

That's the best I could do.

(Tyres squeal)

Jesus, you're a terrible driver.

You should see me when I'm on my own.

I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.

- Do you have a lounge? - Nope.

- This is all there is to the pub, then? - Yep.

- Where are all the customers? - What customers?

The man in the black car, where did he go?

Sure, I'm not legally open yet, lads.

All right, we'll wait.

(Clicks tongue)

Oh, will someone for the love and honour o' God

get me to a dentist quick, for this tooth has me driven to distraction.

Will you haud your wheesht, John James?

- I have the wife asleep above. - Ah, to hell with your wife!

I'd give two of your lambs and a hunk of bacon

to the man who can rid me of this... this torture.

What in the name of God and His Holy Mother is going on here?

Can a man not have a quiet game of poker?

John James needs a lift to the dentist.

Does he now?

Come here, John.

Let's have a look.

- That's a big job, John James. - (Man) Looks bad.

I'll tell you what I'll do. Brendan here used to be a vet.

Now, if a man can take the tooth out of a fiery stallion,

he could do the same for yourself.

Sure, we're all God's creatures.

- Are you sure he's a vet? - He's a great vet.

But a terrible poker player.

I'll go to the car and get the tools of the trade.

We'll need ten cloves and a bottle of whiskey.

- Coming right up. - There we go. All right.

Up here on the bar counter.

(AII shouting)

Put him right there. This will be the work table.

Get him up. Come on, come on. Come on, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Both of you.

All right, John James, all right. Hold on.

We're just going to carry you here.

Put your head back. Put your head back.

That's a boy. All right. Come on, swallow it down. Swallow it down.

One more, one more.

One more, here you go. Up, up, up.

God, I'm not going one step further with this until I...

Open up.

(Gurgling)

(Gurgling)

- Is it that one? - No.

- Is it that one? - No.

Is it...

Argh!

Come on, John James. Come on.

- Argh! Oh, God. - Get it round him.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Argh. Argh.

(John James) I can't.

I can't, boys. I can't go through with it.

Give him another drink of that whiskey there.

(John James) Ah!

Whoop!

(Laughing)

That was great, fellas. That was great!

I'd like to buy us all a drink. What are you having, Jo?

I don't know about you boys but I think I'll go back to the game.

Uh-huh. Huh. Hey, there.

(Dogs barking)

(Micky) We have to go. Leave it. Just let's go.

(Fintan) It's Sheila's birthday.

(Girl) Daddy?

Daddy, daddy?

(Auctioneer) 420, I'm bid 430.

440, I'm bid. 440, I'm bid 50.

450, I'm bid 50. 450, I'm bid 60.

460. 460.

Gonna be sold. 70, I'm bid 70.

470, I'm bid 70. 470, 80.

480, 480. 490, 490, 490. 500?

490, gonna be sold. 500. 10. 510, I'm bid 10.

510, I'm bid 20. 20.

20, I'm bid 30. 30, I'm bid 30.

- (Cattle mooing) - (Men laughing)

(Auctioneer) Selling at 40, 40.

550, 550.

550, and I'll sell it to you, I'll sell at 550.

I sell at 550. (Bangs gavel)

And the next cow will be a Simmental cow. Good one there.

20, I'm bid 30. 30, I'm bid 430, 30.

30, I'm bid 430, 40.

440, I'm bid. 40, 40.

40, I'm bid 50. 50, I'm bid.

I'm bid 60.

470. 70, I'm bid 70. 470, 80.

480, 490. 490, 500.

- 510, I'm bid 20. 20. - (Mooing)

20, I'm bid 30.

30, I'm bid 530. 30, I'm bid 30.

Selling at 40. 40, I'm bid 50.

50, I'm bid 550. 550, and I sell at 550.

60. 70.

70, I'm bid 80. 80, I'm bid 90.

600, I'm bid 600. 610.

610, 20. 620, 30.

30, I'm bid 40. 40, I bid 50.

- 50, I'm bid 60. - (Men laughing)

70. 70, I'm bid 80.

80, 90. 90, I'm bid 7. 700, I'm bid 10.

20. 20, I'm bid 30.

Selling at 30. 40. 40, I'm bid 50.

And I sell at 750.

(Cheering, laughter)

Good on yourself. Good lad. See you next week.

(Fintan) Thank Christ we're not vegetarians.

We're in a shaggy dog story.

This is my ticket.

I'm giving her to Jo.

It's not yours to give.

I told you I'd pay you back the 700 quid.

750.

I need this guy.

Let me call the shots.

(Peacock calling)

(Fintan) Come on, easy.

Come on. Come along.

Right, you're coming with me. Come on.

(Micky) Come on.

I don't know what youse have done to him now,

but he was that angry, he took himself upstairs for a lie-down.

- Well, you see, this gentleman... - I don't want to hear about it.

Give me the cow.

I'll put it in the field.

And take yourselves down to the washhouse.

There's a smell off the two of you as would gag a tramp.

(Clucking, mooing, crowing)

(Honking)

May I just take this opportunity, sir,

to thank you for receiving us in your splendid home.

And for clothing us.

You're probably wondering what all this is about.

I'm not going to beat about the bush, that's not me. That's right, isn't it, Fintan?

Fintan.

May the road rise before you.

And may the wind be always at your back.

Good luck.

Now... Mr Locke.

I'm 30.

I was born in peacetime.

I haven't been where you've been. I haven't seen what you've seen.

You know, Mr Locke...

when I first heard you sing...

What song was that?

Cathleen.

We'll Make A Bonfire, it's got to be.

Was it live or recorded, Micky?

Was it live or recorded?

Was it live or recorded? Was it live or recorded?

The French four-glass clock. How long has it been stopped?

It's an old thing of me father's. Hasn't moved in years.

Have you any methylated spirits in the house?

I, er, can't promise you anything but I've got these ones moving in the past.

(Jo) Meths, huh?

(Peacock calling)

Christ. Give us a drink.

You haven't a fucking clue what you're doing, have you?

Neither have you, you bollocks. "I was born in peacetime." Jeez.

At least I bought you some time. How's it going anyway?

He doesn't need the money, Fintan. That's it. That is it.

- How much did you offer him? - I offered him a lot of money.

Still, he's taking me out for a drink, so you never know.

Do you like the coat?

Watch yourself. We're on his turf, keep your eyes peeled.

- I have to hang in there. - Micky.

You could do worse than tell him the truth.

Ha! That'd be something, wouldn't it?

(Bell chimes)

(Thunder)

(Micky) Look, Jo,

it's not hard to imagine the kind of publicity

a comeback like yours would get.

I mean, you haven't sung in 25 years.

The women, Jo. The women.

There wouldn't be a dry seat in the house.

It would be a celebration of your career.

No, Micky, it would be a celebration of yours.

Look, Jo, there's a big audience,

a big audience out there waiting to see you.

I know, I've seen them.

(Jo) What are you talking about?

(Micky) Well, I mean, I can see them. Don't you want to see them?

Do you see those girls, Micky?

Would you like to be responsible for their dreams?

(Micky) I thought you were taking me for a drink.

Fuck me! What's this place?

(Jo) Aye. Would you look at it!

What is this place?

This used to be the edge of the known world, Micky.

Now, the next parish is New York.

(Bats chirping)

Try a drop of that.

Come on.

(Gasps)

Jo, you can be straight with me.

I mean, I'm sure the thought of being arrested at your age

must be frightening.

But surely you haven't lost your edge for a fight.

I mean, we've all got to face our demons, Jo.

Shit. Jesus Christ!

Oh, God!

In the old days here, Micky, the sailors never learned to swim.

Gave them more respect for the sea.

(Micky) Whoa! Jesus!

Over here, come on.

No. No!

Right here. Yeah.

- Grab hold of him. That's it. - (Yelling)

Take hold here.

Right. Now, who are you, what do you want? I want the truth.

My name's Micky O'Neill!

I'm a concert promoter!

(Laughter)

Honest to God, boys.

I'm not wearing me own clothes.

(Laughter)

Well, lads, all I can say is,

you know you're getting older when the taxmen start getting younger.

Thank God they don't get any wiser, Jo, eh?

Taxman? I'm not the taxman, for Christ's sake, I'm not!

- Then what are you after me for? - I want you to come back.

- I want you to do a gig. - Why are you doing it?

I'm doing it for the people.

Bullshit.

He hasn't uttered a word of truth in the day and hour he arrived.

Well, what do you want me to say?

I want you to tell me, what's in it for you?

What do you want?

- Come on, come on. - Oh, shit!

The simple truth, Micky.

Nancy.

Nancy.

Nancy!

I'm doing this for Nancy.

Who's Nancy?

My girlfriend.

The girl I...

...Iove.

I'm doing this for her!

OK. Come on.

(Fintan snoring)

(Dog whimpers)

(Laughter)

Micky!

At least you tried.

Go back for Nancy. Sure it can't be all that serious.

I booked you.

What do you mean you booked me?

I thought I was booking you but I booked a fake.

- I didn't get away with it. - Bad, was he?

No, he was all right.

In fact, he was so all right,

he managed, with my help I might add, to seduce an old flame of yours.

(Jo) There's a few of those around. (Man) You're right there, Jo!

(Laughter)

Yeah, well, Cathleen just happens to be Nancy's mother.

She didn't like me in the first place, now she hates me,

and I was just trying to cheer her up, so don't talk to me about serious!

I've lost me money, me business...

my friends.

The girl I love.

It's all because of some fucking tenor...

who hasn't sung in 25 years

and has the audacity to turn down six grand a week!

Cathleen.

Cathleen Doyle, she was Miss Dairy Goodness in the '50s.

1958.

Out of the mouths of babes.

How are you going to feel if you don't go back for her, Micky?

I don't know.

Well, I know.

And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Not even a contemptible skitter like yourself.

How do we want to be remembered, Micky?

What shape's the Sea Spray in?

She'll take you anywhere, Jo.

Is she still at Ballycotton?

She's never left.

We sail at first light.

(Chatter)

I don't know what his real name is, Jo, but he calls himself Mr X.

But don't worry, I'll deal with him.

You know what, I will deal with him. I'll have his bollocks in a jam jar.

All right, Jo, but trust me, I'll find him for you.

You think I trust you, Micky?

There's a well in the field out there. Nobody knows how deep it is.

If you're trying to pull a flanker on me like others have in the past,

you'll end up at the bottom of it.

And one other thing, I think you'll be leaving me the cow.

No sweat, Jo, that was always the idea.

(Thud)

What time do we leave?

What time is it now?

(Fintan) You see? You see?

This is what happens when you tell the truth, Micky.

- What time do you leave? - (Micky) Six.

How did you manage to fix that clock?

(Fintan) I don't know. How did you persuade him?

(Micky) I don't know.

Cathleen, Nancy's ma. Her and Jo were more of an item than I thought.

- No wonder she was pissed off. - (Laughs)

This is it.

- This is it. - (Fintan) What?

(Micky) Jo's well.

He says nobody knows how deep it is.

(Micky) Give us a coin. (Fintan) Piss off.

Fine, then I'll use me own.

- (Flick) - Sh. Sh.

- Aye, so it's deep. Come on. - Bollocks. Let's get something else.

Why?

Because I want to see how deep it is.

This is pointless. I'll see you at the tent.

Here goes.

Three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12...

I hate things like this.

...13, 14, 15, 16. - Jesus Christ, I can't stand it!

Yeah, you're right. Let's go back to the tent.

No, no, no. Here, here, look. Look, here.

Give me a hand with this. Come on. Up, right.

(Both) Ah! Argh!

Argh!

(Fintan) Get it up, get it up.

(BIows raspberry)

Oh.

Take that, you great big gaping hole.

(Bellows)

Jesus Christ, it's the cow! Chop the chain!

(Fintan) Come on. Go back.

(Micky) I'll grab the chain. You go back!

(Fintan) I've got it, I've got it!

- What do you want me to do? - Go back to the bloody cow!

Are you all right?

Cut it off the blasted chain!

- (Micky) It's not working. - I know that. I know.

Just stop. Just stop.

(Fintan) Slow the damn thing down, for Christ's sake!

It won't stop. It's picked up the pace.

(Fintan) Stop!

Argh.

(Moos)

(Splashing)

(Moos)

(CIock ticking)

- Got it? - Yep.

Can you get that?

(Seagulls cry)

Hi, Jo.

The engine's humming like a bird, Jo.

Hi, Jo.

Hi, Jo.

(Laughter)

So, clocks are your trade, are they?

No, I'm actually a theatrical agent.

When are you gonna let me meet the wife and kids?

- You know you can meet them any time. - Yeah, I know. I know.

- Fintan, what have I ever done for you? - Nothing. But it doesn't matter.

See you later, alligator!

In a while, crocodile.

(Jo) ♪ Laaaa

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la

(Hums)

♪ Hear my

♪ Hear my

♪ Song

♪ Vi-Vi

♪ Violetta

♪ Hear my song

♪ Beneath

♪ 'Neath the moon

♪ Come to me

♪ In my gondola

♪ Waiting on

♪ The old lagoon

♪ Serenade

♪ Across the water

♪ Can you hear it soft and low?

♪ A tale of love and lovers

♪ Singing

♪ Long ago

♪ Hear my song

♪ In my gondola

♪ Waiting on

♪ The old lagoon ♪

It's up to you, Jo.

What do you think?

Ah, sure! This is grand.

(Faint laughter)

(Chatter)

Do you have any fags, boys?

You the stage manager, love?

Pop over the road and get me 20 cigarettes.

Keep the change.

Ta, love.

Yeah, sure.

(Dog barks)

(Coughs)

Boys, you've got to start somewhere.

- Ha! - Ben. Benny.

Benny.

- Good to see you. - How are you doing?

You all right?

(Chatter)

Thank you.

- Hey, who are you? - I'm in charge. Who are you?

(Laughter)

Benny Rose.

- Where's the dots? - What dots?

The music.

Ah. Haven't you got it?

Aye.

Fucking watch.

You've got one hour.

Right.

Blimey, what a geezer. Come on.

(Laughter)

Ouch! Easy! It's all unnecessary, I'm telling you.

Look, look, look, you see, I've reached a stage in my life now

where, basically, I don't argue with people.

(Tyres screech)

- Do you have any sheet music? - (Man) I don't sell sheet music.

(Fake Jo laughs)

So, a Jewish landlady came up to me in Blackpool

and she hit me with her handbag.

I said, "What's that for?" And she said,

"You know very well. What are you doing back in the country?"

So, you see, Jo, wherever I went I wasn't allowed to be me.

And sure, isn't that all any of us want to be, Jo, individuals.

Well, I've kept you boys long enough.

Why did you do it?

It's the other side of the coin, Jo. I did it to keep your name alive.

You're an entertainer, aren't you?

I am.

You'd like to make people happy, wouldn't you?

I would.

Do you think you made Cathleen Doyle happy?

(Dentist's drill)

You can't take that animal into a dentist's surgery.

It's not an animal, it's a whippet.

Look, I'm in deep shit.

I have to find the music for Jo Locke. I've been all over town.

I can't find nothing. I want you to come with me. What do you say?

- How much? - What?

- How much will you pay me? - Christ, this isn't about money.

Then what is it about, Micky?

It's about Micky O'Neill going to Ireland,

nearly getting killed and bringing back a singer to sing for nothing

to a crowd of bastards who probably won't even appreciate it.

I've got 35 minutes before the orchestra walks off.

For the first time in my life I haven't one single idea in my head,

and all I can think about is you.

Now, you tell me what that means.

Just say it, Micky.

I love you.

And I want you to love me.

I'm sorry about Cathleen, Jo, I really am.

All this bullshit aside, she told me her side of the story.

She wanted me to be you so much.

That...

Look, any of you guys got a light?

In truth, Jo...

I'm only to blame...

because you're to blame.

No offence, Jo...

but do you think you made Cathleen Doyle happy?

I didn't, did I?

Do you know why I'm here?

I'm hoping it's to sing.

Might put you out of a job.

When the surgeon went in here...

...he said I had a large heart.

Maybe there's room in this world for two Jo Lockes.

- There she is. - OK.

OK.

You're in luck. His arrangements are registered.

Have you completed the buff form?

Yes. Here you go.

Yes, good.

You can collect these in...

oh, ten days.

We were born in peacetime.

We haven't been where you've been.

We haven't seen what you've seen.

- Thank you. - Bye.

Yeah, yeah. See you again.

What did he say to you?

Did he tell you you were the most beautiful woman he'd ever met?

Yes. Is that what you're going to say?

No.

I'm just here...

I'm just here...

to remind you that you are.

(♪ Band playing Hear My Song)

Sure, I'd rather be in jail than in love again.

(Band warming up instruments)

- It's too late. - Yeah.

(Sighs) Did I say get the originals?

No.

Then I'm a lucky man.

Boys, you know the score.

Let's keep it mono.

Who are you?

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

Ha-ha!

(Micky) Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

Admission is free.

The theatre is filling up.

I urge you to take your seats as we're about to close the doors.

We're about to bolt the doors. Thank you.

(Woman) Crystal's going to be happy, anyway. Very happy!

- Oh! How are you? - Very good.

(Crowd chattering noisily)

(Whispering)

(Crowd drowns out speech)

(Man) Shush. Shush.

(Hush descends)

Ladies and gentlemen.

At absolutely no expense...

Heartlys presents...

Josef Locke.

(Cheering)

(♪ Orchestra playing Come Back to Sorrento)

(Cheering)

♪ Hear the music of the waters

♪ Fount of tender passion sighing

♪ Like thy heart

♪ To which go flying

♪ All my thoughts

♪ In wakeful dream

♪ See the lovely dewy garden

♪ Breathing orange perfumed greeting

♪ Nought can set my heart a-beating

♪ Like the fragrance of its bloom

♪ Now I hear that thou must leave me

♪ Thou and I will soon be parted

♪ Can'st thou leave me brokenhearted?

♪ Will thou never more return?

(Cheering and applause)

♪ Now I hear that thou must leave me

♪ Thou and I will soon be parted

♪ Can'st thou leave me brokenhearted?

♪ Will thou never more return?

♪ Then say not goodbye

♪ Come back again, beloved

♪ Back to Sorrento

♪ Or I

♪ Must die ♪

(Cheering)

(♪ Count Your Blessings)

♪ Count your blessings

♪ One by one

♪ When dawn appears

♪ And the day

♪ Has just begun

♪ They will light your heart

♪ With happiness

♪ Make each hour bright

♪ And bring you gladness

♪ Count your blessings

♪ While you may

♪ For we are here

- ♪ But little time to stay... - (AII shouting)

(Jim) Move it!

♪ All around are hearts

♪ Sincere and true

- (People shouting) - ♪ Lovely things abound

♪ Just waiting

♪ For you

♪ Count your blessings

♪ While you may

♪ The big or small

♪ Whichever comes your way...

I have a warrant for the arrest of one Josef Locke.

- Chief, you can't do this. - I can do anything I want.

As you see, this is signed by Her Majesty's Inspector of Taxes.

♪... of love

♪ If you will

♪ Count your blessings

♪ From above ♪

(Cheering and applause)

- Can you hear them? - I can, Mr O'Neill.

If you go in now, you could have a riot on your hands.

No question about it, Chief.

(Cheering and applause)

Not yet, Frank.

I think we'd all like to hear Mr Locke do his last encore.

(Cheering and applause)

Thanks.

(Cheering)

I bet you never thought I was this big, eh, Micky.

Can you do a three-week booking in August?

(Cheering and applause)

(♪ Goodbye)

Go on, Jo.

♪ My heart is broken, but what care I?

♪ Such pride inside me has woken

♪ I'll try my best not to cry by and by

♪ When the final farewells must be spoken

♪ I'll join the Legion, that's what I'll do

♪ And in some far distant region

♪ Where human hearts are staunch and true

♪ I shall start my life anew

♪ Goodbye! It's time I sought a foreign clime

♪ Where I may find there are hearts more kind

♪ Than I leave behind

♪ And so I go to fight a savage foe

♪ Although

♪ I know that I'll be sometimes missed

♪ By the girls I've kissed

♪ In some Abyssinian French Dominion I shall do my bit

♪ And fall for the flag if I must

♪ Where the desert sand is nice and handy, I'll be full of grit

♪ You won't see my heels for the dust

♪ I'll do or die, you'll know the reason why

♪ When told of bold Leopold's last stand

♪ For the Fatherland

♪ Goodbye! It's time I sought a foreign clime

♪ Where I may find

♪ There are hearts more kind than I leave behind

♪ And so I go to fight a savage foe

♪ Although, I know that I'll be sometimes missed

♪ By the girls I've kissed

♪ In some Abyssinian French Dominion I shall do my bit

♪ And fall for the flag if I must

♪ Where the desert sand is nice and handy, I'll be full of grit

♪ You won't

♪ I'll do or die, you'll know the reason why

♪ When told of bold Leopold's last stand

♪ For the Fatherland

♪ Goodbye, goodbye

♪ I wish you all a last goodbye

♪ Goodbye, goodbye

♪ I wish you all

♪ A last goodbye ♪

(Cheering)

All right, Frank, you, round the front

and the rest of you round the back.

Now, look, I must warn all of you...

- (Crashing) ...that you...

(Screaming)

(Cheering)

(♪ Come Back to Sorrento)

(Cheering)

Get out of my way!

Come on.

(Laughs)

(Men shouting)

Get out.

Where's the key?

(People chattering)

Wait! I've got it! I've got it!

- Name. - Franc Cinatra.

Jo!

Yeeees!

Aaaargh!

Good luck, Jo.

(Laughs)

Ha! Whoo!

(Laughs) Yee-ha! Yee-ha!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-ha.

(Laughs)

Whee! Yee-ha!