Original subtitles

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Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[STATIC CRACKLES]

[MUSIC: "Do You Wanna Funk" by Cowley & Sylvester]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ There is somethin' ♪

♪ I wanna ask you ♪

♪ There is somethin' ♪

♪ That I want to know ♪

♪ And to this question ♪

♪ You have the answer ♪

♪ So tell me ♪

♪ What I want to know ♪

♪ Do you want to funk? ♪

♪ Do you want to funk? ♪

♪ Won't you tell me now? ♪

♪ Won't you tell me now? ♪

♪ If you wanna funk let me show you how ♪

♪ Do you wanna funk with me? ♪

♪ Do you wanna funk with me? ♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- [MAN]: Hello? - [SHE GASPS]

[SHE MOANS]

Are you OK in there?

[SHE MOANS]

[WOMAN]: Fuck yeah!

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER] - [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

Hey, guys.

I really gotta pee

and there's two jackasses in the bathroom

- screwing around. - That'd be Tom and Janet.

Yeah, you're better off peeing off the balcony.

- Really? - They'll be a while.

- Just... great. - There's good.

[ZIPPER SLIDES]

So, they've done this before?

Yeah, every time they come here.

What?

I mean, who am I to judge a young, dating couple

and their hormones, right?

- They're not young. - Yeah, and they're not dating.

Are they newlyweds or something?

No, they've been together 14 years.

Fuck off! Are you serious?

You're trying to tell me that a couple that's been married

- for 14 years... - Arthur!

This is Tom and Janet.

Oh. Arthur, is it?

[ARTHUR]: It is. Nice to meet you.

Oh, hi. I'm Janet. I'm his wife.

- Cool. - We've been married 14 years.

- I'm sorry? - Oh, when you walked up

you were saying something about a couple

that's been married 14 years?

[HE GULPS]

I don't... I don't think I was

actually, I was maybe misheard.

- Arthur and I work together. - Oh, really?

God, that must be so much fun.

Yeah. It's fun as shit.

- Unfortunately, we have to go. - Oh!

Thank you for the invite. It was a great party.

- Drive safe. - Bye, guys.

Yeah.

Safe drive for you.

They're pod people.

- They're going home for round 2. - What?

[MUSIC: "I Still Believe" by The Call]

That was just the pre-fuck.

- Bullshit! - Nope.

It's gotta be an act. I don't buy it.

[JANET MOANS]

I guarantee you, those people are just

as miserable as everybody else.

[SHE MOANS]

[THEY PANT]

I fucking love you.

I fucking love you, too.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SHE SIGHS]

[LOUD DISTORTION]

[GUNFIRE ON TV]

[GUNFIRE ON TV]

[SHE GROANS]

[PHONE CHIMES]

[JANET]: Hey. Karen texted me.

They wanna get dinner tonight.

[GUNFIRE ON TV]

You OK with that?

Sure.

Hey, babe? Can you make me an omelette?

- Sure. - [IGNITER CLICKS]

[GUNFIRE ON TV]

[MUFFLED AUDIO]

[SHE SIGHS]

[TOM]: Hi, baby.

[JANET]: You cleaned!

And you did all the laundry.

Just trying to make things easier for my girl.

Oh...

- Long day? - Ugh!

Mm-hmm.

I expected that.

A massage for me?

I didn't treat you right this morning.

Oh, that's OK.

I never should have asked you to make that omelette.

I could've made that omelette.

Oh, babe.

Now, how about you lie down on the bed

and I'll make you feel better?

Well, there's another way you could make me feel better.

And that is...?

- [JANET MOANS] - [TOM PANTS]

Oh, hey.

Did you get any writing done today?

Oh, yeah.

I finished a chapter.

Oh!

I'm so proud of you.

[HE SIGHS]

Man, I'm hungry.

Oh, me too.

What do you wanna do for dinner?

Dinner!

[LOUNGE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

- [TOM]: Hey, guys. - Hey.

Sorry we're late.

We lost track of time and, uh...

You know how it is. [HE LAUGHS]

Yeah. No, no, we don't.

Oh! I could eat the whole fucking menu.

Some bread?

Thank you. Dinner was great.

We need to talk about this weekend.

Oh, yeah. We are very excited.

Thank you for inviting us.

It's gonna be great to get out of town for a little bit.

What is this?

[KAREN]: That is your deposit.

I don't understand.

Uh, it seems that's there's one less room than we thought, so...

Less rooms?

Yeah. We're just one couple over.

We're really sorry that we have to do this.

Oh, no! It's no problem at all.

We can... we'll sleep on a couch or anywhere, really.

- We're easy. - No, no, no, no.

You guys... Too much money...

Don't worry about the money. We're fine.

- OK, well, I think... - Everyone hates you.

[THEY LAUGH]

What?

[JANET]: Nobody hates us!

Why would they hate us?

Cos you're a fucking nightmare.

[SHE SCOFFS]

You really don't get it, do you?

OK. Tom, before they brought the food out

you slipped a napkin over to your wife.

[TOM]: Maybe.

[KAREN]: Did you write something on it?

No.

Janet, you were texting during dinner, right?

[JANET]: I don't know, I...

I would have to check.

[KAREN]: It was your husband, wasn't it?

I'm sor... Uh... What was the question?

We have tolerated this ridiculous behaviour

for so long

but we can't do it anymore.

Ridiculous behaviour?

Oh, come on. You never fight.

You're always so happy, always in love.

You can't keep your hands off each other

for five goddamn seconds, and it's just so weird.

We love each other.

I mean, isn't that what people who love each other do?

[SHE SIGHS]

You're fucking Martians, OK?

Is this how the whole group feels?

- Yes. - 100%, yes.

One thousand per cent.

Two thousand per cent.

Uh...

I can see that you guys are upset.

But if you're unhappy

or there's something wrong with your marriage

that's not on us.

I love my wife.

She loves me.

She's my best friend.

I enjoy her company.

And I'm never gonna apologise for that.

We are not the weird ones.

[SHE SIGHS]

You just grabbed his dick, didn't you?

What? No.

I dropped... I dropped something.

I did.

Babe, we're not the weird ones.

- No. - OK? They're not happy.

That has nothing to do with us.

You're right. You're right.

- We're cool. - Yeah, totally.

This is the way marriage is supposed to be.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

We're not... Martians.

Mmm.

Oh...

I love you.

[LOUD DISTORTION]

[UTENSILS CLATTER]

[FRYING PAN SIZZLES]

Nicely done.

And...

coffee.

My Martian.

[BIRDS CHIRP]

[JANET]: Maybe we could go see a movie tonight

after I get home...

Uh, hello.

Can I help you?

Yes, ma'am. I work for the city.

Is there a problem?

There's a matter I need to discuss with you

and your husband.

Well... Can we do this later?

I'm on my way to work.

We cannot.

But I promise it will only take a moment of your time.

OK.

Come on in.

So, you work for the city?

I do not.

- Oh, but you... - I did say that

but I don't.

It was the only way you'd let me through the front door.

We are prepared to take full responsibility

for our mishap.

- Mishap? - Yes.

I think we're gonna need some kind of an explanation here.

You see, every few years

we encounter someone with a...

defect.

But two people with a malfunction

that...

that is what we call a rarity.

The law of diminished returns

is a biological defense mechanism.

Perception and enjoyment taper off as time goes by.

This is by design.

It is a primary element of your survival.

- Design? - Survival?

Yes.

You two, both of you, are...

missing this mechanism.

[TOM]: Bullshit.

You have sex every day

2.5 times a day on average.

I'm talking about traditional intercourse.

I'm not even including oral pleasure

or various forms of foreplay.

You rarely fight

and when you do, you forgive each other almost immediately.

I could've made that omelette.

[MAN]: And I'm talking about actual forgiveness.

No accumulated resentment.

No passive-aggressive behaviour.

Sir, I don't know who the hell you are.

[MAN]: Now.

Ah.

Your problems...

end today.

After the injections

you will wake up tomorrow just like everyone else.

You'll feel exactly like everyone else.

Oh, and we are also prepared to give you

a financial compensation

as a token of our apology.

I'd like you to leave our house.

Afraid I can't do that.

Yeah, I'll throw you out the goddamn door.

- That will not work. - Then we'll call the cops.

There's nothing they can do here.

There's nothing anyone can do here.

We operate on a higher level of authority.

If you need a minute or two to process this information

that's perfectly acceptable, but...

please understand, this

is a good thing.

You will finally be normal.

This is fucking lunacy.

Are you OK, sweetie?

Why don't you go get a glass of water?

[JANET]: I don't understand. Do we have to take the shot?

- We don't have a choice? - [MAN]: No.

You do not have a choice in the matter

and I'm not leaving until I inject both of you.

- [MAN GRUNTS] - [THUD]

[BIRDS CHIRP]

I didn't know what to do.

I forgive you.

[JANET]: How to get rid of a dead body...

Here we go.

"He became a person of interest

when the police found his search history."

Number one...

chopping up a body.

- I don't wanna chop up a body. - No.

- Seems difficult. - Yeah, I won't do that.

OK. Number two...

acid.

- How would that work? - I don't know, but remember

they did it on that episode of Breaking Bad.

- Oh. - Ew.

- No. - No, that was gross.

Body soup.

I think we're over-complicating this.

You OK?

I...

I did this.

It was self-defense.

Yeah, but it...

It was self-defense.

- OK. - OK.

OK.

[JANET]: Somebody is going to come looking for him.

We don't know that.

Yes, we do.

And I don't want to be here when that happens.

Where do you wanna go?

I don't know. Anywhere. I mean, literally anywhere.

- [PHONE RINGS] - Oh, my God.

- Should I? - Go ahead.

Hi, Karen!

[KAREN]: I just wanted to call and apologise.

I think we may have been a little harsh last night.

Thanks.

Look, if you guys are still interested

in getting out of town for the weekend

we'd love for you to come on the couple's trip.

Uh, I... That sounds great.

We would love to.

Perfect.

I'll text you the address and the code for the front gate.

Amazing!

See you tomorrow. Bye.

Is this a good idea?

You said anywhere.

[WIND HOWLS]

[STATIC CRACKLES]

Someone's gonna come looking for him, right?

- Yeah. - Evidence.

Oh, shit.

Because he was never here.

- Holy shit. - What?

What is it? What's wrong?

- Holy shit. - What?

It was a prank.

What was a prank?

The whole thing.

The guy, the briefcase.

Someone was fucking with us.

Think about it.

One of two things happened.

Option one...

Some guy from a mysterious organisation

shows up to our door with a briefcase

and a big speech about how our marriage

is some kind of accident

or option two...

one of our friends thought they would be funny

and send some guy, probably an actor, to our door

with a ridiculous speech about how our happiness

was some kind of malfunction.

I mean, which scenario makes more sense?

Oh, my God, it was a prank.

- It was a fucking prank. - Yeah.

And we killed him.

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

That's why they re-invited us.

He never called.

And they knew that something went wrong.

What are we gonna do?

We have to pretend like nothing ever happened.

We can't seem suspicious.

- He never showed up to our door. - Exactly.

Who do you think it was?

I don't know.

It could be Val and Karen

Patricia, Donald

Carla and Maude, Richard.

I don't... it could be everybody.

There's only one way to find out.

- Code? - [JANET]: Oh, yeah.

3-9-2.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

- And then you push pound. - Yeah.

- [DEVICE BEEPS] - [GATE BUZZES]

[GATE CLUNKS]

It's just a regular couple's weekend.

- Right. - Yeah.

We're here to have a good time.

Sweet good times.

Someone's already here.

- You recognise that car? - No.

Hey! The first couple has arrived.

- Hey! - Well, besides me

and dumbass Donald.

How did we land a place so nice?

Oh, five couples is the magic number.

This shit's expensive, but we split it

five ways and we get to spend the weekend in style.

- Is, uh... Is that your car? - No.

No, the Lexus is in the shop. That's just the shitty loaner.

Oh, no, I like the...

- I like the... colour of it. - Mmm.

Nobody likes that colour, girl.

That car is trash.

Let me show you round the nice place.

Donald went for a swim.

- There's a pool? - And a hot tub.

- Who wants a tour? - Oh, I do.

[PATRICIA]: Here's the living room and the fireplace

and the bar where we're all gonna get hammered later.

I even saw some puzzles if you're into that

kinda nerdy thing.

Look at these doors.

It's like we're in a goddamn sci-fi movie.

Wait. Whatever happened to MTV Cribs?

I feel like I'd be great at it.

[MAN ON VIDEO]: We are all interested in the future

for that is where you and I are going to spend

the rest of our lives.

And there's a screening room.

- Cool! - Wonder what movies they have?

Oh, this black and white one

Hudson Hawk and The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

Here is the kitchen.

- I mean, check this out. - [TOM]: Wow!

[PATRICIA]: Built-in espresso maker.

[JANET]: Oh, my God.

[PATRICIA]: Fancy microwave.

Camouflage refrigerator.

Yeah, this place is great.

This is the sink. Tom can take a bath in there.

- Like a bath tub. - I mean, the stove

isn't as good as the one in my house but this'll do.

Oh, maybe Val will cook for us.

No, he said he doesn't wanna "work on vacation".

I was like, "Fuck you, Val.

Make us something delicious, man!" Chefs suck.

Any room on this floor is yours for the taking

except for the master, because I found this place

I call dibs. Them's the rules.

- Oh, how about this one? - Oh, no, that's not a bedroom.

- What the hell? - Oh, uh, yeah.

The owner of this house is a big game hunter.

Rich people love to shoot things.

Who am I to judge the wealthy, huh?

Shall we find you guys a real bedroom

that you can sleep in?

So there's a gun room?

Is there a strange room filled with guns?

Yes. Is that normal?

Probably not.

But let's focus on the positive, shall we?

We are in a super cool mansion.

There's a pool, there are puzzles

there's automatic doors.

What else could you want in a house?

We're gonna have a killer weekend.

Hella nice, am I right?

Like I said, it'll do.

You're telling me this isn't the master bedroom?

No, they're all this big.

Hey, um, not to get too serious

but I'm happy that you're here.

I'm glad they changed their minds.

Oh, so... you didn't vote us off the island?

No, somebody's gotta have your back.

It wasn't a unanimous decision?

You know what? Who cares about all that drama

right now, right? Like, it's party time.

It's not drama time.

Hm.

I'll let you two get situated.

I know you need your private time.

We're not gonna have sex.

[PATRICIA]: Uh-huh.

[DISTANT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

If it was a prank, I don't think Patricia was a part of it.

She was perfectly normal.

What about me? Was I perfectly normal?

What do you mean?

I mean, was it obvious that I killed a guy

and buried him in the woods last night?

You didn't give off that vibe at all.

Awesome.

What about Donald?

Maybe you should go have a chat.

See if he goes on the list of suspects.

[TOM]: I'll suit up.

[MUSIC: "Play With Me" by Extreme]

♪ Do you wanna play? ♪

- ♪ Play, play ♪ - ♪ Play, play ♪

♪ Do you wanna play? ♪

That's why I play percussion.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

[GATE BUZZES]

Just gonna send this email and then I will be

completely ready.

That's OK. I got it.

Sure? You got yours? OK. I'll grab mine.

OK.

It's nice.

Yeah. It's really nice.

- They did good. - Yeah. They really did.

Is that their fucking car?

- [PATRICIA]: Hey! - Hi.

- Hey. - Um...

I thought you uninvited them.

Carla, Maude, good to see you.

- Hi! - Hey!

Oh, my God. It's great to see you too.

Oh, wow. I'm so glad you made it.

Well, I'm gonna go to the pool.

Just to be clear, it's not great to see them

and I'm really not glad they made it.

That was clear.

How's it going, Donald?

Forgot you guys were coming out.

Yeah, we made it.

Enjoying the pool?

Yeah.

[INDIE MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY]

Can I have one of those beers?

Can I have one of those beers, Donald?

Sorry, man. Yeah. Sure.

Thanks.

Psych!

Good one.

You got me.

Oh...

Your husband's in a good mood.

Oh? Was he being a shit?

- You could say that. - I'm sorry.

That seems to be his default mode lately.

It's not about me?

No.

No. He just hates the world and everyone in it.

Trust me.

You guys doing OK?

Was the Hindenburg OK?

[DONALD EXHALES] [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

Hey, Don-Don. You enjoy the pool?

Who the fuck is Don-Don?

Figured I'd give everyone fun nicknames for the weekend.

Can I get a different one?

I don't know if I can deal with Don-Don.

Nice tits, bro.

To be continued.

Something's going on with Donald, but...

I don't think it has anything to do with us.

What about Carla and Maude?

Oh. [HE CHUCKLES]

I mean, they were not happy to see me

but I don't know if that means anything or not.

Is Richard here yet?

Not yet. I guess he's bringing his fiancé?

Oh! That'll be nice.

- I like Lucile. - Not Lucile.

I think he got a new one.

Really? When did that happen?

[TOM]: I don't know.

I guess her name is Gretel?

And she's in a band.

Tricia told me she has, like, 500,000 Instagram followers.

Hello.

We have to pretend like

everything's perfectly normal, right?

Well, obviously, it's the most important thing.

Hmm. Well, we have been here for two whole hours

and we haven't fucked yet.

Hmm. Someone might get suspicious.

[SHE GASPS]

[MAN'S VOICE ECHOES]: The law...

deception... deception...

[TOM]: I could've made that omelette.

What if we aren't normal?

Are you OK?

What if...

maybe...

maybe this is weird.

Maybe we are weird.

Maybe there is something wrong with us.

There's nothing wrong with us.

Do you know what this is?

What? What is it?

This is love, baby.

Oh...

Yeah, you...

Remember where you left off?

Think so. Alright, my head was here

- and I was doing this. - [SHE GASPS]

[MUSIC: "The Order Of Death" by Public Image Ltd]

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

♪ This is what you want, this is what you get ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[PATRICIA]: Hey, I was expecting you guys hours ago.

Yeah, we had some... complications.

Is everything alright?

It will be.

Richard. Gretel, is it?

- Did you guys carpool with them? - Yeah.

Patricia, uh, there's something

in the back of our car

I think you're gonna find interesting.

[MUSIC FADES]

[CAR BEEPS]

Mother of God.

Yo! Everybody's here and Val brought

some motherfucking pizza!

I guess Val brought some motherfucking pizza.

Could you help me with this?

Thank you.

Ready?

Ready.

So he says to me

"There's something in the back of my car

you might find interesting."

- Gross. - And yeah, I know.

He's basically taunting me, right?

But I go anyway even though, like, I have no clue

what's gonna be in there, knowing this guy

it could be a fucking python or like

I don't know, a dead body maybe?

[VAL]: Oh, stop...

Let me say this for once and for all.

It was a medical cadaver

it wasn't a real dead body, OK?

- It was... - [PATRICIA]: OK.

Well, like, you know, knowing Val and his antics

- could be anything. - [KAREN]: Wait.

What do you mean fucking Val's antics?

- What're you talking about? - Are you telling me

you don't know about your husband's hobbies?

- No. I don't. - Just stop.

OK. This guy basically traumatised me in college.

[HE LAUGHS]

I may have dabbled in a prank here and there.

- [KAREN]: Oh, gross. - Here or there.

If I were to describe you in one sentence from back then

it would be "the guy who pranks people."

You were... you're the prankster.

[VAL]: That was a long time ago, OK?

I have changed. I am an adult, OK?

That's not me anymore. I don't do that.

Didn't you tell me about a time that Val

had, like, an FBI agent come to your college or something?

Oh, my God! Yes, I almost forgot about that.

Wait. An FBI agent?

- CIA, technically. - [KAREN]: Oh, technically!

[PATRICIA]: Yes, yes.

So this guy comes to class

all official, like, badge and everything.

[DONALD]: Yeah. He says Val needs to help

with some secret government project.

Yeah, he needs to take him away immediately

and he needs to finish his test at a later date.

There's no way that worked.

Mmm. It worked.

You know that might be the only prank of yours

that wasn't, like, mean-spirited.

[DONALD]: Do you think of yourself as a sociopath

or psychopath?

[VAL]: Are you kidding me? Look, I didn't do anything

that's mean-spirited. That was a joke.

- It's a joke. - Val.

You can't just like revisionist history this whole thing.

I was there, OK?

I got PTSD from all the shit you pulled.

[VAL]: OK.

She's exaggerating, OK? It was not that bad.

- No. I'm not exaggerating. - It's not a big deal.

Well, I'm not a fan of pranks.

I think they're sadistic.

[RICHARD]: Alright. I'm gonna put some tunes on.

Take this party in a less introspective direction, OK?

[DONALD]: Can't wait to see what kinda music he puts on.

[KAREN]: Hey, guys.

He has worse taste in music

than the jet from the movie Stealth.

[DRAMATIC MOVIE MUSIC PLAYS]

[MAN ON FILM]: My friend, we cannot keep this a secret

any longer...

- Val? - I think so.

- Karen? - I don't know.

Well, maybe you should go outside

and bum a cigarette from her.

I don't smoke.

Desperate times, honey.

Maybe you should smoke.

I don't wanna smoke.

- OK, I'll smoke. - OK. Good.

But just be smooth.

Duh.

[MUSIC: "Electricity" by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark]

- Hey. - Hey.

You got an extra?

Since when do you smoke?

Since all the time.

OK.

[HE COUGHS]

♪ Our one source of energy ♪

♪ The ultimate discovery ♪

I just want you to know there's no...

hard feelings about what was said at dinner.

Oh, you mean the other night?

That's awfully big of you.

It's your fault, you know.

What is?

Things don't have to be awkward between us.

It's not awkward.

We haven't had a real conversation since Thanksgiving.

She never would've known.

You had to be so noble, didn't you?

I would never do that to her.

- But you've done it before. - We dated for a week

when we were in our 20s. I hadn't even met Janet.

- But we had sex, didn't we? - What's your point?

My point is exes hook up all the time.

It doesn't even really count as an affair.

[HE SCOFFS] It does in my book.

Your book is fucking stupid.

Don't you ever want something different?

Don't you ever get sick of the same pussy?

You're talking about my wife.

- This is not appropriate. - Fuck appropriate.

Tell me the truth.

Do you really still enjoy having sex with her?

- Of course. - How?

Because she's my favourite.

[MUSIC CONTINUES] ♪ Our one source of energy ♪

Barf.

♪ All we need to live today ♪

♪ A gift for man to throw away ♪

[MUSIC: "Garbageman" by The Cramps]

♪ You ain't no punk, you punk ♪

♪ You wanna talk about the real junk? ♪

♪ If I ever said [BEEP], I'd be banned ♪

♪ Cos I'm your garbageman ♪

Look, you got stuff going on

I've got stuff going on. I got a bunch...

Do you? Do you have stuff going on?

- Got a bunch of stuff I'm... - What are you working on?

It's... Let me know if it sucks

but, like, a restaurant for cats

- right, and their owners. - Right. Yeah.

Purr-fect.

[KAREN]: Business seems to be good.

Yeah, I mean, the expansion was entirely Maude's idea

so I can't really take credit for that but...

The restaurant with no name.

And no menu.

So, you... you and Richard?

Seems like it's going good?

No, my Richard is terrible.

Oh, your fiancé Richard?

Yeah, he is a terrible person.

What about your relationship? How's that going?

Good.

No, dude. Honestly...

- that sounds like a great idea. - Fight Club the Restaurant.

First rule of Fight Club the Restaurant?

Make a reservation.

♪ Garbageman ♪

You're not gonna get drunk

and play your saxophone again, are you?

No.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ Yeah, it's just what you need ♪

♪ When you're down in the dumps ♪

♪ One half hillbilly and one half punk ♪

♪ Big long legs and one big mouth ♪

♪ The hottest thing from the north ♪

♪ To come out of the south ♪

♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪ Woo, I can't lose with the stuff I use ♪

♪ And you don't choose no substitutes ♪

♪ So stick out your can ♪

♪ Cos I'm your garbageman #

♪ Hey, come on, look out ♪

Oh, my God.

[JANET]: What? What's wrong?

This is Armageddon. This is the end of all things.

We are out of fucking booze.

Oh, no. That's not a big deal.

- The fuck it isn't, Janet. - No, it's just

isn't there a store close by?

Yes, but it's closing soon

and none of us are in any condition to drive.

Well, I haven't had anything to drink.

You're shitting me.

No, I could totally do a quick booze run.

Janet.

You're a goddamn hero.

Go with God, Janet.

And bring back all the booze.

All of it.

- Gretel? - Yeah.

Uh, I was just... I'm gonna go on a booze run.

Did you wanna come?

Could I ride shotgun?

Yeah, totally.

Uh...

You set?

[TINNY MUSIC PLAYS]

Hey, do you mind if I ask a question?

What's your deal?

Oh, I ate a whole bag of weed gummy bears.

I'm extremely high.

OK!

That makes sense.

What do you think? You have a preference?

- The duck one. - Huh.

[SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[MAN'S VOICE ECHOES]: We operate on a higher level...

of authority.

We operate...

on a higher level...

[VOICE DISTORTS] ...of authority.

[GRETEL]: Hey.

- What are you doing? - [JANET]: Oh!

Uh...

nothing.

Everything's fine.

[DISTANT DOG BARKS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, is everything alright?

- I saw him. - Who?

I saw the dead guy. Our dead guy.

- Are you sure? - I'm sure as shit.

And he wasn't dead?

More like the exact opposite.

- Where was this? - At the store.

- At the grocery store. - Maybe it was just

someone who looked like him.

- It's $322.12. - Hang on.

- Here you go! - Gracias.

[TOM]: Look, we buried a guy in the woods.

Look, I am on your side. I got your back.

You know that.

I'm just considering the options.

And if you say you saw

a dead guy walking around a grocery store

then you saw a dead guy walking around a grocery store.

- I believe you. - Thank you.

I don't know, maybe you're right.

Maybe it is just stress.

[ENGINE HUMS]

[ENGINE REVS]

I just had what you could call a confirmation.

He's alive. He's alive as fuck.

[MOVIE CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY]

Have you been here the whole time?

I have.

- Do you know where Patricia is? - Are you still talking to me?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Have you seen Patricia? - Why?

I need to borrow her set of keys for the house.

Why do you need a set of keys?

I accidentally locked our door upstairs

and I need to get something from our room.

Oh, well, I have an extra set.

Oh, great.

Can I borrow them?

[HE SCOFFS] Door's not gonna unlock itself.

What do you say, you and I go upstairs

- for a quick... - Oh, great, OK.

Make sure I get those back!

[RICHARD]: What was that, honey?

Nothing. I wasn't talking to you.

Fuck you, gun room.

- Keys? - Thanks.

One of these days, we will fuck.

Ah.

Do you hear me?

- Are you OK? - Yeah. Are you OK?

- I was just worried about you. - No. Everything's fine.

- Take a deep breath. - OK.

I realised something.

We've been doing this all wrong.

But now I know what we need to do.

What?

"When you try to avoid conflict, you create conflict."

- Who said that? - I don't know.

Bruce Lee, maybe?

We've been trying to play it cool and see who knows what

but that's not getting us anywhere.

It's time for us to put our dicks on the table.

Hey!

Which one of you knows about this shit?

My puzzle!

Oh, sh... I'm sorry, man.

I spent four hours on this thing and you just...

Fuck!

Sorry, man.

Does this briefcase look familiar to anyone?

Nope.

No one?

W-what's going on here?

Oh, what? Even Captain Prankdick

over here is gonna pretend

he's never seen this briefcase before?

Really? Prankdick? Thank you.

The hell is going on?

Yeah, I think we're missing some things

- like, all the things. - Mm-hmm.

You're all really gonna act like you have no idea

what we're talking about?

Uh, yeah. Maybe because we really don't.

Hey, here's a thought, why don't you guys

just stop being so goddamn vague and explain yourselves?

They don't know.

Um, yeah. I would say it's pretty fucking obvious

we have no idea what you're talking about.

Do you wanna let us in?

Well, I guess we better tell them everything.

Woohoo! Story time!

But I need a drink. And I'm also so tired.

Can we please sit down in the living room?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

OK.

Not fully sure why we needed to see you act all of that out

but I do think we're all caught up.

A-ha! I knew it! No one is that happy naturally.

[VAL]: Wait, you don't actually believe this shit, do you?

I think you guys are full of shit.

I mean, there's no way that actually happened, right?

- Come on! - Come on, dude.

Tom and Janet are a lot of things

no offense, but they're not liars.

I mean, if it happened

that doesn't necessarily mean that shit does anything.

Anything could be in those syringes.

- It could be Ecto Cooler. - Wait, you guys.

You're focusing on the wrong fucking thing here.

They killed somebody.

Well, I understand how you would think that

but he's not dead anymore

so... I didn't really kill anyone.

Yeah, I'll be honest, I'm feeling a little weird

about the whole murder part too.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

[PATRICIA]: I don't know if it's murder per se.

I mean, look, you got a weird dude

he comes in your house with, like, big needles

that's a tough situation.

I say it's more like self-defense, you know?

Maybe I would do the same thing.

- I said "maybe." - Alright.

So, you have this briefcase

with these syringes in it, all day

but you don't say anything until now? Why?

W...

They thought you did it.

[HE SCOFFS] What? No. Me?

[PATRICIA]: Yes! Or somebody in this room

- but most likely you. - OK. Yeah, yeah.

I, um, I sent a guy to your house

and made him give you, like, some Twilight Zone speech

about your sex life? Guilty.

Uh, yeah. That sounds exactly like something you'd do, right?

- No, it doesn't. - Yes, it does.

- OK. Screw you, Patricia. - Alright.

Screw you, Captain Prankfuck.

Well, it was Prankdick, actually.

Yes. That is much better. Captain Prankdick!

You think your friends would do something

that fucked up to you?

It was made very clear that you all have a problem

with our marriage and how we make you feel.

I don't have a problem with your marriage.

Babe, I mean, don't lie.

I'm not lying.

We complain about these people all the time.

[PATRICIA]: Yeah, everybody talks shit about everybody.

That's just life.

That's just how it works but wasn't I the only one

who was upset when you uninvited them?

Yeah, OK. Yes. That's true.

See? There you go.

Look. The question is, what do we do now?

OK, well...

Like Donald said, I mean

none of us actually know what's in these things.

Yeah. Could be horse piss.

[MAUDE]: Yeah, it could be horse piss.

I mean, how do we find out?

Does anyone know a scientist?

Oh, I do.

You do?

[GUNFIRE ON TV]

[PHONE RINGS]

What do you want?

[KAREN]: Jesus, Arthur, what's with the hostility?

You guys seem to be having a great time.

I told people not to post pictures on social media.

I didn't want anyone to feel left out.

Oh, that's so great of you. Thanks.

[KAREN]: Alright. Relax.

Listen, it's a couple's trip, Arthur.

Oh, so I'm penalised because my wife left me?

You know what? Never mind.

I was calling to invite you

but if you're gonna have an attitude about it...

No. No, no, no. No. I'm sorry.

Um, I just got hurt feelings. That's what happened.

So, I would love to come.

Alright. Wonderful. I'll text you the details.

Great. That means a lot. Thank you.

Um, one more thing.

Do you have a microscope?

Yeah, of course I have a microscope.

Alright. Arthur's too fucking high to drive right now

so he's gonna get up really early in the morning

and he's gonna be here first thing.

He's gonna bring his microscope and after breakfast

we're gonna look in the syringes.

Great. So, what do you say, maybe we call it a night?

Everybody get some sleep.

You wanna get some sleep?

There is a guy stalking you who will not die.

How are any of us gonna get any sleep?

Oh, chill out, you friggin' baby.

We're in the safest place on Earth.

This house is a fortress.

Let me show you. There are motion sensors outside.

There are sensors on all the doors.

There are sensors on the windows.

[AUTOMATED VOICE]: Alarm system activated.

No one is getting in here tonight

without us knowing about it.

Yeah, well, I don't know about all of you guys

but I don't personally feel comfortable

sleeping in the same house with a couple of murderers.

Oh, fuck off, Carla. Why would anyone murder you?

Chill out, Patricia. Alright, that's rude.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe there are plenty of reasons to murder you.

If you're that worried about it, lock your goddamn door, OK?

Anybody else have any issues?

Great. Then I'll see you all tomorrow morning.

Maybe Val will make us breakfast.

You can make your special poached eggs.

Actually, I don't like to cook on vacation.

- Oh, my God... - What?

For me...

[CASE THUDS]

[WATER RUNS]

Are you OK?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go downstairs. Do you want anything?

Oh, would you get me a glass of water?

You know, it's all starting to make sense now.

All that romantic talk and your morals

it's all bullshit.

- It's not bullshit. - You're lying to yourself.

You didn't turn me down because she's your "favourite."

Goodnight, Karen.

Sweet dreams.

[HE SIGHS]

We don't have to do this.

What, have to?

We don't have to keep up appearances.

Oh.

OK.

Uh, did you bring me that water?

I forgot.

[THEY SIGH]

Do you think anyone suspects us?

No, I think we're in the clear.

Right?

Maybe.

[DISTANT DOG BARKS]

- [URINE TRICKLES] - [HE SIGHS]

No.

[CASE CLICKS]

- Honey? - Go back to bed, sweetie.

OK, honey... [SHE MUTTERS]

[SHE SIGHS]

[HE SIGHS]

- [TOM]: Why? - I was curious.

Why should we wait to see what's in it?

I'm not gonna cheat on my wife.

Are you sure about that?

Because I'm feeling some interest.

[STATIC CRACKLES]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[SHE PANTS]

This is wrong.

[BIRDS CHIRP]

[CAMERA WHIRS]

We don't have to keep up appearances.

Remember?

- Hey, how'd you sleep? - Not now, Karen.

Sorry.

That was not there yesterday.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Do you know how much sugar is in that?

When is the scientist dude getting here?

- Patricia. - [VAL]: We don't know.

Patricia. How did you find this house?

On the internet. On Airbnb, like everyone finds a house.

Can I see the confirmation email?

- Dude, what is your problem? - What's going on?

Where did you take that?

It's in the living room, above the fireplace.

- What? - Where did you get this house?

You wanna... You wanna just tell them?

Mmm.

[PATRICIA]: I was looking for a house

for this weekend on the internet

and this guy from work saw what I was doing

and he overheard that my husband got laid off and he felt bad.

Look, I lost my job six weeks ago.

We sold the Lexus.

We haven't been able to pay our mortgage

now we're having what is commonly referred to as

money problems.

[PATRICIA]: He offered us his place.

And I thought, "What's the harm?"

Like, this place is rad

and you guys all wanted to, like

pay to have a good time this weekend.

So what does it matter where I got it from, y'know?

You took our money though?

Is this the guy? Is this him?

Yeah. So?

He's the guy with the briefcase.

We're in his fucking house.

Oh, that's not good.

Well, he's watching us, so...

W-what do you mean watching us?

I just... I know he's got cameras.

[TOM]: Where?

There's definitely a good view of that couch over there.

Oh, shit.

Hey, guys. Just a quick question.

Why the shit are we still here?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Let's discuss my fuck-up at a later date.

- Great! - Yeah.

- Hey, what about your stuff? - Who cares?

We'll buy new shit.

- Maybe a little closer. - How much closer?

- Don't hit it. - Of course not.

I'm not trying to hit it.

It's how close I have to be for the sensor to work.

It should be here, like, the machine's...

I'm underneath. I'm at the gate. There's no...

I can't go any further without hitting the gate.

- Just try to back up. - Back up and move up to it?

Didn't you feel that there was just...

I just got the distinct vibe

there was gonna be some weird sex game.

If we stay in there one more minute

- we're seeing dicks. - We're seeing dick.

- [CAR HONKS] - Why are they honking at us?

We can't open the gate either!

- Won't open! - Guys.

- [CAR HONKS] - Gate's not working.

- You gotta move forward! - Gotta figure out the gate.

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] - We don't need to move forward

- or back... - There's a censor!

I know that, Pat!

I want you to move your car back

so I can move my car forward.

You have to go forward

- not backward. - Is there a garage door opener

in the garage we could use?

That would open the garage, dummy.

- Ugh. - I'm gonna try to reset it.

Babe, don't touch it.

- Ladies, ladies, ladies. - Can you not...

Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies...

Gentleman, gentleman, gentleman!

Look, sorry. I'm gonna hop this bitch.

Hey! Remember our conversation.

You're not allowed to use that word anymore.

It's a special consideration for the situation.

- [ELECTRICITY SPARKS] - [THEY GASP]

[PATRICIA]: Is he breathing?

[HE GASPS FAINTLY]

You OK?

[VAL]: Let's go. Let's go. OK, let's go.

OK. Let's move out.

[CARLA]: Guys.

- We're not getting out of here. - [TOM]: What?

- [VAL]: Why isn't the gate open? - I...

- [TOM]: What the hell happened? - The gate's electrified.

- What? - Is Don-Don OK?

- Who the fuck is Don-Don? - Oh, fuck.

I forgot I was giving everyone nicknames for the weekend.

I feel like I put my dick in a socket.

- Everyone, stay calm. - Whoa, whoa.

- You have a gun? - [TOM]: It's not mine.

[MAUDE]: Then whose is it?

[TOM]: I got it from the gun room.

There's a gun room?

[PATRICIA]: Yeah.

There's a gun room and an electrified fence?

Patricia, what a great vacation spot!

Well done. Zero stars.

[PATRICIA]: OK. I made a mistake.

Get off my dick. Jesus.

I think we should go back inside.

Uh, yeah. That's not happening. So...

[PHONE CHIMES]

[PHONES BUZZ AND CHIME]

[PHONES CHIME]

[MAUDE]: Jesus, why would you have this?

Are you sure you wanna do that?

Does anybody have a better idea?

OK.

[JANET]: Where the fuck is all the furniture?

Where's Gretel?

The hell you been?

[GRETEL]: The bathroom, jeez. Hold your horses.

You had everybody waiting, and it's rude.

Now what?

[JINGLE PLAYS]

[MAN ON SPEAKER]: You are all going to have a talk

and then this will all be over.

A...

a talk?

Wait. We just have to talk?

Yeah? Like, no weird sex shit?

[MAN]: There will be no weird sex stuff, just a chat.

Well, that's good.

[MAN]: It's time for everyone to be honest with each other.

I'm not going first.

I feel like everybody knows I'm broke now, so...

Yeah, we don't have any other secrets.

Do you have anything you'd like to share, Tom?

Karen, how about you?

Can't think of anything.

Karen fucked my husband last night.

Ooh.

OK.

Well, at least you're not denying it.

That's not true.

It's fucking true?

She injected me in my sleep.

What, with the horse piss?

OK, I had sex with Tom last night.

Fuck it. I'll admit it, but...

just to clarify, I didn't inject you with anything.

What?

Who else would've done it?

You have keys to the whole house.

Well, I also have a set of keys, but I didn't touch your butt.

I stabbed you in the butt with a syringe

but I didn't inject you with that weird shit.

Alright? I'm not... I'm not evil.

So, you stabbed him in the butt?

And then you just took it out and put it away?

Hey, w...

I would never.

But you would.

Clearly, because you did.

How did you know?

Oh, I watched the whole thing.

I can't believe you're doing this to me.

Oh, fuck off, Val.

"Fuck off"? Excuse me, alright?

You're gay.

[HE SCOFFS] I'm not gay.

Oh, you're not? You're not gay?

Then why have you been fucking your sous chef

for the past three years?

You thought no one knew?

Who else here knew about Val and his sous chef escapades?

[STATIC CRACKLES]

You're a bunch of fucking assholes.

- And for the record, I'm bi. - Oh.

Sexuality's complicated, man.

Is it?

And Patricia, when the group decided

to un-invite us from the weekend

you said you had our backs and you voted against it.

- Is that right? - Yup.

Yeah, that's right. Because...

I like you guys and you are my friends.

It was just for the money, wasn't it?

Yes.

Jesus. So, everyone in this room is just a liar, yeah?

I fucked Karen.

Oh, my God.

Karen, you fucked my wife?

A little.

When did this happen?

Thanksgiving. What is it? Fucking...

Fuck.

Karen, you fucked my wife on fucking Thanksgiving?

It was Tom's fault.

How the fuck was it Tom's fault?

I tried to get him to have an affair with me.

I tried. I tried.

I fucking tried but he wouldn't do it.

Oh, great. So, I was second choice?

We do not have to get into that right now.

You're the fucking worst.

Agreed.

[STATIC CRACKLES]

Well, there's one couple we haven't heard from yet.

Well, I know why we're here.

Your friend is an abusive

violent piece of shit.

And there's more but you can use your imagination.

I made some mistakes, OK?

I'm trying to deal with it.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. OK?

This is why we're here.

It's not about what's in those syringes.

We're, like, mice in a cage.

He wants to take away all our hope

and leave us with nothing.

[TOM]: Where are the cameras in here?

Uh...

I don't know. I assume they're everywhere.

[TOM]: Uh, you wanted us to talk and we talked.

I cheated on my wife.

Everyone's an asshole.

Patricia's a liar.

Richard's a monster.

I think we've talked enough.

[MECHANISM WHIRS]

[JINGLE PLAYS]

[MAN ON SPEAKER]: You are done.

You may all go home now.

Drive safe.

[MUSIC: "People Ain't No Good" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds]

♪ People just ain't no good ♪

♪ I think that's well understood ♪

♪ You can see it everywhere you look ♪

♪ People just ain't no good ♪

♪ We were married under cherry trees ♪

♪ Under blossom we made our vows ♪

♪ All the blossoms come sailing down ♪

♪ Through the streets and through the playgrounds ♪

♪ The sun would stream on the sheets ♪

♪ Awoken by the morning bird ♪

♪ We'd buy the Sunday newspapers ♪

♪ And never read a single word ♪

♪ People, they ain't no good ♪

♪ People, they ain't no good ♪

♪ People, they ain't no good... ♪

[STATIC CRACKLES]

I'd say that went pretty well.

What the fuck?

You guys did it in record time.

- When I first started... - Oh, what now?

Are you gonna give us an explanation for all this?

Well, don't bother.

Because I don't care.

I don't care who you are.

I don't care if you're the devil.

I don't care if you're an angel.

I don't care if you're from the future.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you're trying to do

cos as far as I'm concerned, you're just an asshole.

And you can go fuck yourself.

[BIRDS CAW]

Let's go home.

I'd shoot you in the face

but it won't do much of anything, will it?

I'm afraid not.

Feel free to cash the cheque I gave you.

It won't bounce.

[PAPER RIPS]

[MUSIC: "Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young" by Fire Inc.]

[ARTHUR]: Hey! 14 years of marriage.

Yeah. That's us.

So, uh, where... where's the party?

The party's over.

But I just got here though.

[SHE SIGHS]

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Shit happens.

Great.

♪ I've got a dream 'bout an angel on the beach ♪

♪ And the perfect waves are starting to come ♪

♪ His hair is flying out in ribbons of gold ♪

♪ And his touch has got the power to stun ♪

♪ I've got a dream 'bout an angel ♪

♪ In the forest enchanted ♪

♪ By the edge of a lake ♪

♪ His body's flowing in the jewels alive ♪

♪ And the earth below is starting to shake ♪

Pull over. I gotta take a piss.

♪ But I don't see any angels in the city ♪

♪ I don't hear any holy choirs sing ♪

♪ And if I can't get an angel, I can still get a boy ♪

♪ And a boy will be the next best thing ♪

♪ The next best thing to an angel ♪

♪ A boy will be the next best thing ♪

[GUNSHOT]

♪ I've got a dream 'bout a boy in a castle ♪

♪ And he's dancing like a cat on the stairs ♪

♪ He's got the fire of a prince in his eyes ♪

♪ And the thunder of a drum in his ears ♪

♪ I've got a dream 'bout a boy on a star ♪

♪ Looking down upon the rim of the world ♪

♪ He's there all alone and dreaming of someone like me ♪

♪ I'm not an angel but at least I'm a girl ♪

♪ I've got a dream when the darkness is over ♪

♪ We'll be lying in the rings of the sun ♪

♪ But it's only a dream and tonight is for real ♪

♪ You'll never know... ♪

Did you just kill Richard?

Yeah.

OK.

Hey, have you met our friend Arthur?

I don't think so.

Oh, he's a super nice guy.

- Yeah, I think you'd like him. - Oh, yeah?

♪ Tonight is what it means to be young ♪

I can't wait to see the kids.

♪ Tonight is what it means to be young ♪

♪ Let the revels begin... ♪

Neither can I.

♪ We're dancing for the restless ♪

♪ And the broken-hearted ♪

♪ Let the revels begin ♪

♪ Let the fire be started ♪

I love you.

Hey, it wasn't all bad.

At least we got to keep the money.

[HE LAUGHS]

I think we earned it.

Hey, I talked to Maude about a job at her company.

You did?

♪ Say a prayer in the darkness ♪

♪ For the magic to come ♪

♪ No matter what it seems ♪

♪ Tonight is what it means to be young ♪

♪ Tonight is what it means to be young ♪

♪ Before you know it it's gone ♪

♪ Tonight is what it means to be young ♪

♪ Before you know it it's gone ♪

♪ I've got a dream when the darkness is over ♪

♪ We'll be lying in the rings of the sun ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC RESUMES FAINTLY ON CAR STEREO]

♪ ...before you know it it's gone, tonight ♪

[SHE CHUCKLES]

Hey.

- We need new friends. - [THEY LAUGH]

[MUSIC: "Enola Gay" by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark]

♪ Enola Gay ♪

♪ You should have stayed at home yesterday ♪

♪ Ah-ha words can't describe ♪

♪ The feeling and the way you lied ♪

♪ These games you play ♪

♪ They're gonna end in more than tears someday ♪

♪ Ah-ha, Enola Gay ♪

♪ It shouldn't ever have to end this way ♪

♪ It's 8:15 ♪

♪ And that's the time that it's always been ♪

♪ We got your message on the radio ♪

♪ Conditions normal and you're coming home ♪

I'm not an alcoholic.

- [JANET MOANS] - Hello?

Do you have your own home?

I really like this puzzle.

♪ Is Mother proud of little boy today? ♪

♪ Ah-ha, this kiss you give ♪

♪ It's never ever gonna fade away ♪

♪ Enola Gay ♪

♪ It shouldn't ever have to end this way ♪

♪ Ah-ha, Enola Gay ♪

♪ It shouldn't fade in our dreams away ♪

♪ It's 8:15 ♪

♪ And that's the time that it's always been ♪

♪ We got your message on the radio ♪

♪ Conditions normal and you're coming home ♪

♪ Enola Gay, is Mother proud of little boy today? ♪

♪ Ah-ha, this kiss you give ♪

♪ It's never ever gonna fade away ♪

[MAN ON TV]: Oh, Francesca.

[WOMAN ON TV]: Reynaldo, my love.

[REYNALDO]: Who would've thought we'd have

such a happy ending?

[FRANCESCA]: No one, my dear.

No one but me.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

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