Original subtitles

Thought I'd get a start on packing.

No!

Andie, what is it? We got your 57 texts.

Is everything okay? Is it an emergency?

Okay, fine, maybe "emergency"

was a tad bit of an exaggeration,

but we still have a crisis, okay?

There's only two weeks left of summer,

and we still have 200 list items.

Sorry, Andie, I can't today.

I gotta hang with my parents. They kinda freaked out

when they saw all the moving boxes.

Same. My dad wants to hang before I run off

to the warm rays of the city that never sleeps.

Dakota, your parents sound so supportive!

Isn't it special when your parents really care about your dreams?

It is special.

Now we won't be around to enjoy the specialness.

I mean, my dad is my model role model.

Right? This is the last chance we have

to ask them for advice.

I never got a chance to ask them how they managed

40 years of marriage!

I mean, that is nothing to sneeze at.

I'm gonna miss how they smell.

I'm gonna miss the way they laugh.

Huh, that's weird.

I've never heard either of you guys mention them ever.

Like, not even once.

Don't ruin this for them, Andie!

- It's beautiful. - Damn straight!

I miss my moms so much!

Nobody's hanging out with their parents!

What I meant was,

nobody's hanging out with their parents... without me.

Yeah, if you guys have such a boner about hanging out with your 'rents...

Incest? Again?

...then let's multitask and make it a list item.

In fact, I think I know just the one.

Number 92.

Ghost your guardian.

We built this treehouse

to escape from our parents way back when,

so we'll upgrade to...

And do the opposite.

Opposite of what?

Greer! You're here!

Oh, I missed you so much!

We're hanging out with everyone's dumb families. Wanna join?

My mom can a D.

She told me she resented me for ruining her urethra,

and when I inevitably get knocked up in my teens I'll understand.

So hard pass!

Then I'm passing too. Sorry, cuz,

but all this talk of leaving and summer ending has got me thinking.

- Greer? - Both: Bonding day!

Okay, Rubin, you in?

Ah, I don't do dads.

Anymore.

Four-handed high five on three?

One, two, three!

Friend yo' folks!

Barkeep, give me a dirty Fanta.

Make it a double dirty.

Sorry, bud. Carrot juice only.

Oh! Today couldn't get any worse!

I've got serious troubles.

Sounds like you got serious troubles.

Why don't you lay them on me, chief?

A big-time Manhattan agency wants to poach my hottest male model.

The only thing I like poached are eggs.

If I lose him, there's no way my dad'll put me in his will!

Well, it's like my dad always says,

"You're not in the will, Steven."

But that's another story for another day.

Whoo!

Josh: Let's get the parent party started, huh?

Guys, I'm excited to introduce you

to Frank and Gail Bennett.

Take a good hard look

because this is what true love really looks like.

- Hello! - Hi there.

It's so good to see you guys again.

I'm so stoked you're here.

Oh, it's swell to see you again, too, dear.

I was just saying to Frank how much we adore you--

Oh!

Hello?

Is someone seeing this?

What just happened?

Okay, well, I would like to introduce the man--

Boy, I can introduce my own damn self.

'Sup? I'm Hampshire.

Where's Mrs. Green?

Well, not that it's any of your business,

but Helen's taking care of the business.

She's the breadwinner in this family,

and I'm fine with that!

Good. It's 2018.

- My moms! - Sorry we're late.

We saw a jaywalker on the way here

and we had to make a citizen's arrest.

He did not go down easily.

Wynn has two moms?

Well, yeah. It'd be kind of confusing

if I just had one "moms."

I will not miss you next year.

This is the Hot M.E.S.

It's a really fun list to ensure that we have the most epic summer.

What's number 37?

"Put a thumb in someone's bum?"

Oh, don't worry about it, Mrs. Roberts.

Eat it.

She's still a bad influence.

Well, we are on number 92, which is "friend your folks."

We want to hear your history.

Maybe you guys have some advice

about what you went through when you guys were our age?

Who better to learn from than our parents?

Frank: Oh, well, that's nice, son.

Well, I may need a little liquid courage?

You know, just to warm up.

How did that get there?

To good old-fashioned storytelling!

Gosh, Greer, our bonding day's

made me learn so much about you.

You're a morning person, you hate giraffes,

and you feel awkward around children!

They think they're hotter than me.

And they're right.

I can't wait to get to know you even better

by watching your favorite movie.

Ooh! Prepare yourself to flip

for the greatest flick.

"Clueless."

Cher negotiated her grades up?

Hilarious! Who does that?

It's so cute that you actually study.

Hey...

Ow! Hey! Ow!

What's wrong with being a virgin who can't drive?

A lot! Hugh, this movie taught me that.

- I loved it! - Yeah?

My favorite part was when Cher fell in love with her brother.

What? She didn't fall in love with her brother.

That's her ex-step-- why is that your favorite part?

Let's bond harder. Why is it your favorite movie?

I guess it used to be because of the clothes and the pretty people,

but now, it's because

Cher starts dating the dork she never thought she was good enough for,

and it turns out he liked her for who she was.

Kinda reminds me of us.

Both: Bonding.

Mom might be a minute.

Well, my mom's gonna kick off the chaperone shebang--

emphasis on the "bang," 'cause they hot.

- Tsss. - Well, okay.

I need to learn from your ancient wisdom

how to live in a bubble and stay out of trouble.

"Ancient" was rude, but here you go.

We weren't always rule followers, you know.

Let me tell you about a girl named Heather.

And a girl named Valerie.

The '90s was a crazy time,

especially for a girl named Heather.

Valerie: And a girl named Valerie.

You keep interrupting me, Valerie!

Well, it's my story too, Heather!

Heather: We were pubescent,

emphasis on pubes!

Since we insisted on showing ours

as we were constantly doing the humpty-hump.

"Teacher! They're doing the sex."

Valerie: We got jiggy with it

anywhere, any time.

SATs?

Banged.

Parent-teacher conference?

Valerie: Banged.

Tornado?

Valerie: Banged!

"You're expelled for making each other say

'Unh! Na na na na' in school."

Heather: So we did what any '90s dropout scrub would:

worked at a VHS rental store for ten years

until we got on our feet and eventually got married.

"Dearly beloved, we're gathered here illegally

'cause it's the '90s and same-sex marriage

wasn't recognized yet."

All: Boo!

"Because you're finally focused and your lives are on track,

you may now kiss the bride."

? It feels good, good, good ?

? Good, good to be bad ?

Unlike us, you need to focus on school.

Don't be trippin' over how horny you are

and let it mess up your life like it did ours.

I didn't know we had so much in common!

And you guys don't have to worry.

I'm gonna take school serious this year.

Man, I feel closer to you guys already!

Oh!

To friending your folks!

All: To friending your folks!

What am I gonna do? Should I not tell my client?

You can't deprive a man of his dreams, okay?

You have to let your superstar spread his wings and fly.

Like, fly.

You're right. If I lie,

I'll be just like my father when he tells me he loves me.

- Ha ha ha! - Mm-hmm.

I make the best drinks.

Well, I really am just like my mom.

I hope I'm just like my dope dad.

Tell the tale of how you dominated your teenage dream,

just like how I will.

Boy, quit boasting.

I'm clearly better than everyone here,

so I don't need the setup.

Let me tell you a story about a boy named Hampshire.

It was the '80s, the most tumultuous decade of them all.

All I wanted was to be

the body double of an action star.

You got this, Hampshire!

Just 100 more reps,

and you're the stunt stand-in for "Kindergarten Cop,"

"Time Cop," "Robocop,"

the cop in "Die Hard."

But, like in every generation,

haters gon' hate.

"Ha ha! You're totally bogus, brah!

Only cop you'll be playing

is the girl in 'TJ Hooker'!

It's the '80s! Girls are hellacious!"

Bite me, Bogart!

I worked day and night.

I put off college and even went to Muscle Beach to get scouted.

I thought I'd be a glorified, muscle-clad extra in no time.

Then I got rejection letter after rejection letter

after rejection letter.

After a while I was like,

"I'm giving up my dream!"

So I met a girl who liked my bod.

I married her, and she was like,

"Ah, I love you."

And I was like, "Eh, you a'ight.

Dakota: My mom isn't white.

Hampshire: And I settled for the shitty version of my dream,

becoming a personal trainer.

That story was hideous!

I thought your dream was to be a personal trainer,

and now you're telling me you gave up on your real dream

'cause it was hard?

Dreams change. Best advice I can offer.

Here's some advice: keep it to yourself, you dream killer!

Welcome to being friends with your parents.

To friending your folks.

All, uncertainly: To friending your folks.

I learned so much about you, Hugh.

You love naps, hate hand sanitizer

because it kills the good bacteria,

and the sound of chewing gives you a boner.

I have to go home for lunch every day!

I'm psyched to participate in your fave hobby.

Stargazing!

If you look just a little to your left,

there's a great view of Uranus.

Ooh! You looking at my anus?

JK, but you totally can. It's bleached.

I can't believe you thought the Little Dipper was the Big Dipper!

I'm stupid!

Aah!

It's just so infinite.

We're just tiny, super hot specs.

So if that's Orion's belt,

- then that's the North Star? - Yes! You've found it!

Oh, I love that I can share this with you.

Growing up I didn't have a lot of friends,

and when I'd get lonely, I'd look out the window

and think about what life would be like without my bitch sister.

But now...

You named a star after me?

This way when I get back home and I look out the window,

I can see you light up the sky like you light up my heart.

Even though you'll be just a tiny speck of light, so far away...

as far as the Vega star is from the sun.

Oh... I'm so cold.

Both: Bonding.

Mom: Love you!

Hey.

Okay, Andie, so,

my parents were high school sweethearts

and long distance, so this one is definitely for me and you.

I can't wait for what tips you guys have for what's to come.

Well, way, way,

way back when,

there was a strapping young lad...

and a pretty little lass

named Frank and Gail.

Frank: Gail was two years younger than me.

Andie: Just like us, Josh!

Frank: Gail was holding on,

maybe too tightly.

Ugh, I'm gonna be sick.

Wait.

Nah, I'm all right.

Gail: I was holding on too tight,

and a long-distance relationship

was a recipe for disaster,

especially when I'd only dated one other man,

and he was a foreigner.

Andie: Just like me, Josh!

Gail: I loved Frank dearly,

but if I wanted to end up with him,

I had to let him go.

And so when he was off to the University of America,

I embraced my new life.

Frank: By "embraced," she means she sowed her lady oats,

so she could be more sure that I was the one for her.

Gail: It was an exciting time in my life,

making love to as many men as humanly possible.

Josh: Mom!

Gail: Eventually, my true love returned.

This time, I was sure that he was the one for me.

And it was the right time for us to be together.

And we lived happily ever after.

Listen, guys, I did not need all those details.

Dad, you knew about this?

Well, sure. It was important for your mom

to explore other men.

I thought you were gonna tell us a story about how

you survived the long-distance relationship,

not about how Mom-- how she... you know!

Enjoyed many gentlemen callers?

- Mom! - I'm sure if we'd stayed together,

it wouldn't have worked out.

Sometimes life is all about timing.

Oh, I never thought I would tell you about my wild days, Josh,

but I feel closer to you now.

Yeah, I feel closer to you too, son.

- To friending your folks! - No, no, no way!

No more friending any folks.

So did you get the wisdom you were seeking from your parents?

That was awful.

Did you hear the part about my mom and all those guys?

Yeah,

but that wasn't exactly what I was focusing on.

It was more the whole "high school sweethearts

end up happily ever after only because they broke up

at the same exact time in their relationship

that we are currently experiencing."

Wow.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I was so caught up in that whole "guy after guy...

after guy" thing that I missed the...

Yeah. I'm just glad my mom didn't show up

because then she would've told her love story with my dad,

and we all know how that one ended.

Hey, Hugh. I hope your bonding day went better than ours.

That's the problem. It was perfect.

We bonded like super glue but now we're stuck.

Getting to know each other even better has made me realize

how hard it's gonna be when I leave in two weeks.

Am I the only one who had a good time today?

This has been my favorite list item yet!

Me too.

These are my parents.

Mr. and Mrs. Todd.

Mae, those are Courtney's parents, you psycho.

Thanks, Mom, for making me realize

that I am nothing like you.

You guys, I'm nothing like my mom.

And Kota, you're nothing like your dad.

And Josh, we are not your parents.

You're right.

Unlike my mom, you know what my priority has been this summer?

My friendships and my relationship.

So you know what, Josh? I'm not worried

about us being long distance.

And Kota, you never quit on me,

so why would you quit on you?

- Yes! - You guys, we're not going

to turn into our parents.

- Yeah! - Right?

I'm just like my moms!

Well, it's closing time.

You don't have to go home,

but you can't stay--

I'm taking your advice.

Really? That's a first.

I'm gonna call my client, and I'm gonna tell him

that his dreams are coming true!

- Hey, let him know! - He's moving to the Big Apple,

and he's gonna sign with Stems and Studs talent.

I can see it in the lights already!

Dakota deserves this.

Dakota deserves...

Dakota?

I didn't know your client was Dakota!

Oh no. If I knew that, I wouldn't have told you to let him go!

What's gonna happen to him and Andie?

How's the foursome gonna survive without four people?

Who--

Hi, Dakota?

Pack your bags.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, did I miss it?

- Yeah. - Oh, shoot and a half.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay.

Even though you weren't there,

you did end up teaching me a lesson after all.

I'm such a good mom.

Feels like just yesterday I was 14,

- having my C-section. - Yeah.

Fourteen.

What was the lesson?

To prioritize what you truly care about,

because otherwise, you might miss out.

So I am no longer going to focus on three-step plans and oh nos.

Oh, me either, my sweet girl.

I'm no longer gonna focus on boys and bosses.

I'm gonna change right there with you.

- No. - Go 'way.

- I'm with my baby girl. - Yeah.

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