Original subtitles

Treehouse.

Wha-huh?

Hmm, never thought I'd end up in the closet again.

You go wherever I say you go.

Yes, sir.

Better not get that.

Treehouse!

Wha?

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mm-hmm!

No, Malcolm, no.

Treehouse!

Buh-wha?

Treehouse!

Aah!

Wha?

Treehouse.

Oh, my God, no!

Another round.

Wha?

I think I know just what we need.

To never spending time with our significant others.

All: Cheers.

To always coming in second to an infantile list,

or to not coming at all.

All: Cheers.

To the itty bitty action I get

being taco-block-oed by g-damn tree.

All: Cheers.

To tipping your bartender!

All: Boo!

No, but seriously, you guys, you never tip me.

You know what? No.

We're not gonna come here like some bizarro foursome

every time the foursome goes and does a foursome-y thing.

All: Yeah.

Yeah, we're varsity. We're not JV.

All: Yeah!

We deserve our own most epic summer

- and we're gonna get it. - All: How?

We're gonna go to the...

All: Treehouse.

Ugh, this bike seat's almost inside of me.

Then BYO-Wheels, neckbeard.

This was all that was avail in my neighbor's garage.

Ugh, I can't believe I agreed to wear this rayon monstrosity.

Stick together, gang! The bizarro foursome rides!

To the treehouse!

All: To the treehouse!

Ooh.

Maybe we should just call it a day?

Just go. It's fine.

No one likes this class anyway.

Who cares that today's lesson

was "Pygmalion" by George Bernard Shaw?

No relation. Well, some.

I guess no one cares about ol' G. Shaw...

or old me Shaw.

Who knows?

Maybe I'm just not a good teacher.

It's like my dad always says,

"You're not a good teacher, Steven."

You're a good teacher, Mr. Shaw.

Look, maybe your problem is that

you just-- you come off a little bit too--

- Fun? - Strong.

Maybe you should try playing it a little cool.

Cool, cool.

Hey, you're cool.

Could you teach me?

Oh, please, please, please, please, please, please?

You're mysterious, aloof.

Heck, you wear leather.

Okay, how about this?

I help you be cool, but you have to help me pass this class

so that I can get the hell out of Brayer

and away from my ex-girlfriend,

who talks non-stop about having sex

with her new boyfriend, and also maybe her cousin.

Oh, um, I'm sorry, I couldn't decipher any of that

because of your thick accent.

But how about in exchange for helping me,

I help you learn English, so you can pass this class

and get the heck out of Brayer

and away from your ex-girlfriend,

who talks non-stop about her new boyfriend and her cousin.

Yep. Deal.

Oh, man, I can't believe

we're gonna "My Fair Lady" each other!

What a coincidence that we're also reading "Pygmalion" the same week.

Ah. Good thing we weren't reading "Medea,"

or else we'd have to murder some kids.

All right, let's start with the basics.

If there's one thing that I learned from Andie--

It's to not have sex with a girl

just to get revenge on your football rival.

No, it's to have a three-step plan.

Aah, my eyes!

How about we upgrade "Make a fly tie-dye"

to "Get high with a bi guy"?

Or "Go to gig" becomes

"Kidnap your favorite band

and make them play privately in a garage for awhile"?

Bitch, that don't even rhyme.

But if it's Nick Jonas, I'm in!

All: Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

- Aah! - Oh, my God!

'Sup, hos?

Sweating wasn't on my itinerary.

It's always good to see my bae.

What are the rest of these schoolhouse stalkers doing here?

We've decided that we're tired of you guys leaving us out

for this Hot M.E.S. list.

FOMO is for freaks and fools.

No one leaves out Greer Ashton.

You get used to it.

I guess we all have been really caught up

in having the most epic summer.

Yeah. Guys, it kinda sucks

that your most epic summer doesn't include

your most epic people.

I mean, I guess we can include our groupies

in our next list thing.

I think I know just the one.

Ooh, the famous list.

It was an early one, number seven.

We had a sleepover that totally

solidified us as the foursome.

We stayed up all night.

We played ice breakers, did crafts, really bonded.

But tonight we'll include everyone in the bonding.

We're much bigger than just the foursome now,

so we'll upgrade to... "Overnight Delight!"

Okay, where does that noise keep coming from?

And since you guys have been feeling so left out,

we'll add a new rule-- no tongue-ing in the treehouse.

What?

Come on, guys.

No hooking up for just one night.

We can bond with each other's significant Os

instead of just getting tighter with our main squeezes.

Okay, I'm down.

Hey, Wynn. You and I have, like, never talked.

'Cause you've been playing hard to get, boyo.

- Oh. - Hi, I'm Rubin. Enchant�.

We literally just hung out for the past hour.

So, what do we say?

- No couple-y canoodling? - No promises.

Get ready to bond harder than we've ever bonded before!

All: Inclusion!

Step one, alleviate the accent.

To pass this class without a blunder,

you mustn't speak in Down Under.

I will say some words to you

and you say them back like Americans do.

Here we go and a-one, two, three,

please repeat after me.

"The dew in Timbuktu drips through the pew."

The dew in Timbuktu drips through the pew.

Again.

The dew in Timbuktu drips through the pew.

Again!

- Listen, mate, I-- - "Mate"?

Mr. Shaw, you yelling over and over

isn't doing anything.

How about we switch it up a bit

and I teach you your first lesson?

- Okay. - Yeah?

Sure.

Take a seat.

The first step to getting your students on board

is to switch up the "try hard" vibes in here.

This.

This doesn't exactly scream "cool."

Shaw: Stop!

I thought it showed Shaw pizzazz.

And this has gotta go.

I don't know that shark.

You do now.

This is too thirsty.

Ooh.

Oh.

Kent, that's a little inappropriate.

Shaw, it's important that you get out of your comfort zone.

I'm never gonna get this.

PJ time!

Can't have a delight if we're not looking right,

and what's more innocent than jammies?

Can I get an amen?

Amen!

Okay!

Okay, let's start

the first bondage-- bonding activity.

Uh, Dakota brought wine coolers last time,

and alcohol will def get us open and sharing.

So let's play an ice breaker drinking game

- and tap the sap. - Yeah.

Ahh!

This ish is beyond fermented,

but it'll do the damn thing.

We'll all go around and everybody has to say

something they've never done.

If you have done the deed, drink.

Whoever empties their cup first, wins.

You wanna kick it off, Andie?

Okay.

Never have I ever...

gone number two in school.

Ha! I dropped so many deuces at Saint Jennifer's,

they had to give me a permanent hall pass.

I feel closer to you already.

My turn. Never have I ever made a wish in a well

that didn't come true.

We're the same.

That must have been your wish, because I am it all.

M'kay. My turn.

Never have I ever

gotten my nucleus split while getting my atom bombed

in the biology lab...

more than once.

Is that a science experiment?

No, silly, it's that sexual position,

where you put your thighs around--

That's okay! I don't need to know what it is.

I haven't done that one before-- in a while.

Okay. Next person.

Never have I ever played bongos on a butt.

Never have I ever done erotic roleplay.

Never have I ever sugar waxed while giving oral.

Never have I ever done on-stage nudity.

Uh-oh! My drink's gone.

I win! Game's over.

Everyone bonded?

Def no tingle in my va-jingle.

Step two, vary your vocab.

If it's an A you want from me,

we must go on a jargon spree.

I'll show you pictures and then, bingo,

you'll say the words in American lingo.

Sheila.

Woman!

Dingo.

Feral dog!

Native to Australia!

It seems longer to say it that way.

- Her freckle? - Butthole!

No, no, no, no, no!

You'll never amount to anything other than a poor girl

selling flowers in the street.

We're not getting anywhere with this.

Let's switch back to you.

Step two, who cares?

When you teach and try too hard,

you put your pupils on their guard.

If you want them to stay in school,

you need to be very, very cool.

Whoa! If I did Henry Higgins like that,

people would love my class.

Well? You want us to be pumped about "Pygmalion," right?

- More than anything. - Then tell me about it.

Okay, so, it's a super-cool story

about this girl who completely changes herself

- to please a man. - Eww, stop!

You're way too invested. Teenagers hate that.

My mom is always asking me questions about where I'm going

and who I'm with, and I never tell her

because she wants it too much and it's gross!

Look, just tell me again,

except this time, don't care what I think.

Yeah. I mean...

Not that it even matters,

but there's--

There's this, like, super cool dude

who's, like, you know, hecka smart,

and, um, his name is...

'Enry 'Iggins.

And there's also Eliza Doolittle,

and she's all, "I'm a good girl, I am!"

- Meep! - We're gonna be here all night.

Okay, twatwaffles!

The next thing we did at the OG sleepover

that got us bonded as hell was face masks.

Grab a partner you don't usually party with

and follow me.

Avocados are good for smoothin' and soothin'.

I'm learning so many new things!

I have combination skin.

That's nothing.

I've got rosacea, eczema and plaque psoriasis.

Actually, could we leave the ham out? I'm allergic to ham.

That's a fun bonding fact.

No, I'll die.

Keep mixing, minions.

Really grind those ingredients.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Right in between your fingers.

And once those bad boys are ready to go,

go to town on your buddy.

This isn't working.

I say we call it and go lights out.

Okay! Everyone's face is looking fly.

Let's get a good night's rest

so we're refreshed in the morning.

Let's get to snoozin', Susan.

Step three, better your letters.

This is it, my last test.

You must try your very best.

For if you go and fail me here,

I will hold you back next year.

Now look at the words, take a quick scan.

Change the spelling as fast as you can!

Okay, okay. I'm ready, I'm ready.

Uh, uh...

No "U". Uh, that's "E"--

Very good.

- Um, C-K. - Yes!

He's got it! Quick, use this momentum!

Say "The dew in Timbuktu"--

The dew in Timbuktu

drips through the pew.

By George, he's got it!

- It's a feral dog, dude! - Huzzah!

You're sure to pass summer school with flying colors!

Thank you, Mr. Shaw. I can't wait to get out

of this horrible, horrible school.

Whoo!

I don't think they do that anymore.

- Sure. - Besides, we're not done yet.

There's one more thing.

Now you gotta look the part.

You're gonna be the coolest teacher in all of Brayer.

I mean, it's a low bar, but you've gotta start somewhere.

Well, I never cared much for labels...

or this poster.

Look at you. I think you're ready to fly.

You guys? I just want to say

that even though we got a little distracted,

I think we all got a lot closer today.

I learned Justin's seen Dave Matthews 32 times.

D-M-B!

I learned that Rubin doesn't care for my haircut.

I learned that Mae hatched from an egg.

Cheep.

And we successfully

made it through the night without hooking up!

See? It wasn't that hard. All right, good night!

- Good night! - Don't let the bedbugs bite.

- Andie: Love you, Hugh. - Love you, Andie.

- Mae: Love you, Mae. - Greer: Please stop talking.

Good night.

Andie, what are you doing? This is against the rules.

Shh.

Scoot, Rubin. I'm coming in hot.

Mmm.

How about some heavy petting?

Let's keep it light.

Hello, old friend.

Is that ham?

Let's do it!

Overnight delight!

Well, if we weren't bonded before,

we definitely are now.

I can't believe we couldn't go one night without hooking up,

but it shows a real lack of, uh--

Personal space.

But I do feel so much closer to all you guys,

which is all I've ever wanted.

- Ooh. - Okay, everybody, relax your cracks.

Just because some of our hands got a little handsy

doesn't mean we hooked up.

There was no cross-couple pollination, right?

- Yeah, totally. - Samesies.

But now we gotta go to summer school, dudes.

If I ditch because of a sex party,

my moms will be PS-ed!

Before we go, I'd like to announce

that I did not have sex last night.

Okay, but he did other stuff.

I'd like to announce that that is accurate,

and I regret nothing.

Sick hog.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm actually ready to focus on summer school.

I could use a day with no sexual tension,

and "Four Fast Friends" is on a hiatus,

so I need Shaw to reset me to bland.

Tell me about it...

...stud.

Everybody get out your iPads.

Or don't. See if I care.

What the jeff is even on the syllabus, anyway?

Dudes,

we're learning about "Pygmalion" today,

or whatever.

It's totally chill.

American baseball, hot dogs, you get it.

Exactly.

But instead of reading it,

we're gonna be watching the "Pygmalion" clips

from "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen."

'Cause I don't give a frig.

What is happening? You couldn't stop talking

about your interactive lesson for "Pygmalion" last week,

and I was kind of looking forward to it.

Besides, that movie has 13% on Rotten Tomatoes.

It's a Lindsay Low-Point.

I don't know who this new Shaw is,

but I want the old Shaw back,

you know, the Shaw who actually made it seem

like there was a point to school?

We barely show up,

but if we had a different teacher,

we'd straight up un-enroll.

Then my moms would be really PS-ed.

Yeah, Shaw, you're the only reason we still show up.

Really? You love the old Shaw?

Love is just a stripper's first name.

Say no more.

Actually, I'm gonna keep this.

He's my friend.

Give a frig.

All right, everybody get out your copies of "Pygmalion"

and I'll assign roles.

Now, if you want to win the day,

pay attention to the part you play.

Both: Oh, I just came to grab my sweatshirt.

Yeah, same, too.

- Nope! One time thing. - Not the same.

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