Original subtitles

Okay, I know I said I couldn't get enough,

but this past week of perpetual boinking

is leaving me pretty brainless.

Oh, I can barely move. Ow.

Yeah, I gotta stretch.

I gotta pee but... I don't think I can.

Don't make me laugh.

Ow. I for sure am gonna have a UTI.

- At least we made up for lost time. - Ow.

Especially with me going to Camera Shy this weekend.

Yeah, remind me again why VAPA

needs to have a get-to-know-you weekend

when you guys are all gonna get to know each other in less than a month?

You know, I'm glad you asked.

See, the thing is, is that artists need to get to know each other

before we can ever make some gold.

Would be great if your friends

could cool it on the serial killer jokes.

- No promises. - So you should go tonight.

I don't wanna be the boyfriend that blocks you

from hanging out with your friends.

I really should go. I've been a bad friend.

So bad. Leave.

I'm putting my clothes on now.

You're out the door.

Screw the Burrow. We're not going anywhere.

Backup film developing solution.

Double check.

Bland, unsalted crackers.

Check. Does Josh have a sour stomach?

Oh, no. He just took a quiz online

called "Which kind of cracker are you?"

And ever since he got these as the result,

they're his favorite snack.

Sexy Polaroid of self?

Check.

Wynn, this is not what I meant

when I said "sexy Polaroid of self."

Well, you should've been a little bit more clear.

It's fine. I'm fine. It's whatever.

- Okay. - Isn't this a little over the top?

He's only gone for the weekend.

I just want Josh to know that I'm willing to put in the effort before things get--

- Grim? - I was gonna say--

- Hopeless. - Long distance.

Oh.

I've watched enough teen flicks

to know how these things can snowball.

First, you decide not to make the effort

because it's just a couple of days.

Then you think it's just a couple of miles.

And then pretty soon it's just a couple of side chicks.

See where I'm going here?

Effort matters.

Greer, come on. Come inside.

It'll be fun. I promise.

Hugh, we've been over this

for as long as I haven't been under you.

I'm trying this new thing

where I respect the boundaries

if the peeps I've tortured,

and no one's been a crunch under my craw

quite like Lil' Fix.

But you'll get bitten by a bird out here.

It happens to me almost every time I go outside.

My blood is poison to birds and most fish,

so I'm good out here.

- Come on. - No.

- Just come inside. It'll be fun. - I'm good. I'm good.

I said no!

I'm sorry. Come closer.

What I mean is,

I'm not gonna pluck anyone's peach with my presence.

Got it?

Things will settle, and when they do,

then I'll join you.

I guess I just want you to be inside with me.

I wish you could always be inside with me

and I could always be inside you.

- What? - With you.

Inside with you. I wish I could always be inside with you.

I got it, nerdo.

Not like sex.

Okay. Yeah, I know, I know.

Now, go have fun doing the hot shit list with your pals.

Almost touched.

Is that a Wellington gift bow?

- You're welcome. - Ahh! Ahh!

Wow.

Great. Now all we need is VAPA's address.

Holy pixie dust, that is one hot photog.

I'm no expert, but it looks like she's

gaga for your guy, cousin.

You okay there, bud?

Okay? Okay?

Okay!

I'm great.

Yeah, I'm great. This is great practice

for when Josh is at college

and I see a bunch of pictures of him with girls.

I mean, he's not exactly a man whore.

If Josh didn't bang a bunch of biddies in high school,

then he's not gonna need to now,

when he's in college.

He waited for me even when I was with Kent

and there was no end in sight,

so I'm not exactly bugging

about this whole long-distance thing.

I mean he can obviously go a while without getting his tip dipped.

What?

Um, you may have a few of your facts flipped.

Where is Dakota?

D, your spirit needs a smoothing.

Remember, a hothead is a hotbed for disaster.

You get more ass with aspartame.

What do I know? I'm just almost Ivy.

It's been three weeks, Skip.

What the beans you been doing for me?

You're not gonna drop me, are you?

My dad will kill me.

He just forgave me for looking like him.

The whole reason I brought you in here is 'cause I got some news.

I was able to book you

the face of Bye-bye B.O.'s

new medical grade antiperspirant campaign.

Sass the Stench Away.

Yes.

I'm gonna be a goddamn star.

It's beginning.

It is beginning.

Where the hell is Dakota?

Announcing the hottest male model under 19

in southern Brayer County,

Dakota Green.

You rang?

Thank God. Dakota, we have a situation.

And by we, I mean me.

I need everyone to focus in on number 107,

which was "Cheer for your peer."

Now I think it's time to upgrade to...

"Applaud yo squad."

It's all about having the backs of your buds

and no one's back needs their buds more than mine.

Turns out Josh may have a hankie history

I knew nothing about before Greer.

You're welcome.

- Why is she... - It's a long story.

My instincts are telling me to dig deeper into my dude.

Maybe if I had checked up on Kent more, I would've noticed he was--

- you for a bet? - Yeah.

I thought Josh was a certified clean teen,

but if I don't really know the full picture,

how am I supposed to emotionally prepare for fall?

That's where you guys come in.

Wynn, I need you to go through Josh's entire Venmo history

and figure out every single girl

he has ever bought something for.

- Rubin, Dakota-- - Hold the phone.

An applause implies a superstar,

and I'm the only one shining today.

You think your thousandth crisis

should overshadow me getting my very first modeling job?

That's right. I booked Bye-bye B.O.,

which means Daddy needs an entourage.

Even "Entourage" had a Turtle, and, hmm,

let's be real. You're all a Turtle.

Entourage?

I thought I was helping you with the shoot.

Entourage means more than one person.

I'll look il-legit as shit

making my entrance with just you.

Besides, honey don't need help with nothing.

Look, I'm really happy for you, Dakota,

but I'm sure everyone can agree

that my issue is just a little more pressing. Right, guys?

I've never been to a Hollywood adjacent billboard photo shoot before.

I can't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Dibs on hype man.

I've got pent-up positivity

and I know just how to use it.

Dibs on muscle!

I'm always air punching

'cause I get excited.

Now I can punch with a purpose!

Dibs on you're all idiots.

Dibs on knowing where you are at all times

at every moment of every minute.

I'm the assistant.

You heard the word. We outtie. Entourage.

What? No. No.

Who out there knows anything about Josh's sexual past?

Hi...

I need all the dirty deets.

No, I don't wanna bum your plum. I'm done with that.

What? Greer, spill. Josh deets now.

I don't wanna piss on your party.

I'm looking out for you.

What? Who are you?

I don't need new Greer. I need old Greer.

She's gone.

She's buried so deep inside me

I couldn't dig her out with acrylics.

And you know? Wouldn't if I could.

I care for your cuz,

and I don't wanna ruin it

just by going back to bitch.

I'm the new Greer.

New Greer and old Greer can coexist, bumper sticker.

You don't need to be a bitch to be a boss.

You don't have to choose.

I need you, both of you.

Let's do this, you stupid bitch.

Oh, yeah, I have one for each dude

who's ever me down.

There are folders hidden all over--

tampon dispensers, supply closets,

Principal Slacks' secret liquor stash.

Brayer is riddled with my intel.

Uh--

are you for real?

Because once I hand over the Josh folio,

there's no going back.

I need to know it all.

Wynn, hello.

Shouldn't you be guarding my hot bod

from potential stalker approaching?

Stalker? Dakota, we're old friends.

Identify yourself!

It's me, Justin,

from your friend group.

Is anyone from my entourage not useless?

Mae, schedule now!

1:00 p.m., seaweed wrap,

1:15, charcoal teeth whitening sesh,

and spray tan at 0500 hours.

Aren't we hanging out later?

Have your people call my people.

You're my people, and you're busy.

Still on for our coaching session?

My natural talent got me the job,

so I'll just wing it.

And to think that Dakota Green would even need practice.

That's like saying Hilary Duff

needs to write more songs about the rain.

It's not easy being this perfect.

Oh, wait. It is.

You're acting like a clich�.

If you don't simmer,

you're not gonna get my feedback

from your practice facials.

I don't need your feedback.

I booked this gig because it's me they dig.

I am the me behind the you.

You think you could've done this without me?

You think I couldn't?

Let's find out.

Mae, you know how Dakota's schedule

says at 7:00 PM

he's supposed to be balls deep

in my tasty deliciousness

to de-stress?

Well, that slot's now open

'cause my slot's...

clenched.

How'd you get all of Josh's ex-girlfriends

to come to Brayer on a Saturday?

I've got my plays.

Excuse me. Do you have the results of my test?

Do I have one of the warty ones?

My first Q has already been A'd.

I know Josh has slept with a dirty baker's dozen,

including yours truly.

No, I'm not superstitious.

So I'm not even thinking about the fact that

I'm the 13th girl Josh has slept with.

That's not cursed at all.

You are spiral city, sweetheart.

Maybe we should call this.

No! I already came up with a name for this project--

Operation Pre-College Knowledge.

I hate that.

In order to know what to expect from my future with Josh,

I need to know everything about his past.

Gosh, I feel like the foursome would've just gotten that.

Okay. Okay, so which ex do you want to start with?

The little one.

What the heck, you heifers?

Hey there, Girsten.

Or should I say hand-me-down job?

She's the last person Josh slept with before you.

Oh, I get it.

You're the new Courtney.

Hanging out with Andie and desperately clinging

to your high school days?

She's right. That's literally my worst fracking fear.

So what, you're here to beg for my friendship back,

you sad old bag?

I'm gonna be cheer captain next year,

and by then,

all memory of you

will have completely vanished.

You're vapor, so hard pass.

You're so unoriginal, it's unreal.

You're literally been trying to clone Greer since day one,

but guess what?

You'll never measure up. Literally, short stack.

Is Greer why you went after Josh?

- Yeah. - Trying to be just like her?

Wait, this is about Josh?

Please, he was hardly a blimp on my boink-dar.

- Ugh. - I was frackin' horny,

and, Andie, you were away on winter vacay,

so it was supes easy to carpe Josh's diem.

You and Josh had se--

You guys had s--

When did you and Josh--

You know what I'm asking.

When was it?

It was one New Year's lay on New Year's Day.

When, you tiny woodland creature?

Um, she literally gave you the answer.

She even gave you a date.

- New Year's Day. - Mm-hm.

One day before Josh came to Beach Island?

He was sleeping with someone

24 hours before he came to win me back?

No more questions.

Dakota doesn't need much makeup.

He's already a work of art.

Hey, back it up. Whoa, whoa.

I've already shown you my ID, like, four times.

We're on a tight schedule. Let her work.

Da-cha-cha, I just wanna say

how nice it is for you to be doing

the Bye-bye B.O. campaign.

When I first spotted your pearly pits,

I knew you were the perfect person to sass the stench away.

My man Dakota's a pro. He's done hundreds of shoots like these.

Yes, and when you do it,

I need you to give it a little...

- Which is? - You know, just a little zhuzh.

- Okay, when you say zhuzh... - Right!

And when you're zhuzhing, just add a little floof to it.

You know what I mean? What am I saying? Of course you know what I mean.

He knows exactly what you mean.

Actually, can I ask you about--

Yes, and where's my mood music?

Hair, makeup, final touches.

Everybody up! Places!

Da-cha-cha, this is a standing set. Arise.

Da-cha-cha,

I don't want you-- We are losing the daylight!

He's frozen. What are we gonna do?

- Da-cha-cha! - I know a Dakota meltdown when I see one.

- I've caused two in the last three weeks. - Get up!

There's only one person who can get him out of it.

- Ariana Grande. I mean, Rubin. - Rubin!

I need to know where Josh's sex-capades began,

and the chronology starts with you.

Now, start talking.

Josh even had swagger with his baby dagger

at the ripe young age of 14.

When I was a senior, I plucked that fresh man

right out out of JV badminton.

He looked scared,

like the waiting room of a clinic.

You monster.

I taught Josh everything he knows.

All those orgasms you've had are all thanks to me, sweetheart.

- Thank you. - Don't thank her.

It's my thing, smashing celibates.

I ravage their psyches

until the poor boys crave naughty nothings

for the rest of their lives.

- What happened to you? - We done here?

I'm late for my third-period class,

I'm Spanish teacher over at Hancock School For Boys.

Photographer: I need you to pose, damn it.

Need I remind you,

that for every hour this model sits here,

the client loses $13 while he melts like an ice cube?

I need you to do something.

Time is money!

Come on. We need a hero.

You better work, bitch.

Director: Yas.

Yaaaas!

Now, sniff that stinky stench.

Fabulous!

Bye-bye B.O. Yaas.

Well, I feel worse.

Once Josh leaves for college,

the distance will get dull, I'll get bored,

and who's gonna be there to snap his camera?

Those VAPA whores.

You have one ex left to interview.

Me. Oh, it's bright!

No, I'm done.

I don't want to know anything else.

I actually wish I could un-know everything I already learned.

Andie, this you need to know.

Exhibit A.

This is the night I was shwasty

and donned candy tits for my boyfriend.

But instead of edibiling my eateries,

he was outside having a rom-com moment with you

all so you wouldn't suck some other dude's face.

Exhibit B.

This was that time I caught you guys

basically mid-mack, and to cover, you forced my BF to ask me to HC.

That one felt amazing.

Exhibit D. This is me and Josh

right after I said, "I love you," during sex.

His response? Your name.

And then he passed out.

- Who took that photo? - Exhibit Z!

This is right after Josh told me it's always been you.

I, more than anyone, know how Josh feels about Andie Fixler.

Even though I knew you were a tragic, un loser.

Old Greer is definitely still in there.

Josh never saw you that way.

Look, Josh is a hot guy.

It would be strange if he didn't smash everything that strutted.

But now that he has you, he's not gonna waste it

on some camera cooch.

I never took in how much shady shit

went down between me and Josh while you two were dating.

I guess I just... let the fact that

I've been crushing on him for so long overshadow reality.

He was with you, and I should've respected that.

Josh was only with me to convince Alec that he wasn't into you.

I think part of me knew that,

and that's why I acted like a frosty twat towards you.

It's weird. I've been so mad at you

for so long for everything you've put me through,

but, after all this, I feel like we're even.

I never thought Greer Ashton

would make me feel better about my relationship with Josh.

Ugh, neither did I.

Oh, my God. I'm actually Courtney.

Keep giving me boy advice and you're halfway there, blood sis.

Seriously, don't call me that!

Side note, I'm super psyched we're not in love with the same guy anymore.

Well, I love Hugh.

I mean, it's different, but, is it?

You do know you're related by blood, yeah?

Shall we hug this out?

I'm so not ready for this.

I don't know if I am either.

I know what you want.

You want me to say that I needed you,

but I had that shit on lock.

I was just warming up.

Fine.

So I was a little tense

and it's normal to have your first time freak out.

I can't stand when you yelling like this.

I slayed my first gig because of you

and without you, I would've choked.

Is that what you want me to say?

I let the fame get to my head

and I pushed you away.

When the truth is, I needed you there.

I need you, period.

I don't know why telling people I need them is so hard.

Oh, because all your friends are self-centered, useless trolls.

- Useless trolls? - My aunt's a troll.

Sorry, pot of nothings at the end of rain-no.

Dakota already has an entourage.

The only people in it are me, myself, and Adrian Grenier.

Yeah, I tackled the makeup artist and broke her clavicle.

Maybe security's not for me.

Yeah, being your hype man was exhausting.

Laughing at all your jokes gave me another ab.

I made the schedule.

You guys, wait till you hear about Josh's exes.

Greer had these files and--

- Greer? - Hmm? What?

Where are you going?

You're a part of this.

Okay, so it all went down when-- what are you guys-- what is-- okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm so sorry, is this really how we tell stories?

- Just go with it. - Okay.

So, it all went down. Yes, we know, I have a bunch of exes.

I a bunch of people. It's fine.

And then we learned about magic hour, which was magical.

Am I boring you with my photo jargon?

No, I'd listen to you drone on about photo drones

till I die if it meant you wouldn't leave me again.

That sounds a lot like, "I really missed you."

Felt like you were right here with me the whole time.

Felt like you were with me, too.

It's kinda scary, though.

In, like, two weeks, we're gonna be a long-distance relationship.

It's kind of freakin' me out.

You think about it at all while I was gone?

No, no, no.

I didn't have time to think about that at all, actually,

'cause I was, you know, watching TV

and putting lipstick on my face,

fake nails, popcorn.

Really, all of it kept me pretty distracted.

You're all I thought about.

It's always been you.

You believe me?

I think next time, I'm gonna have to bring you.

I think if I can get you in here...

- I think I can fit. - You think so?

- Yeah. - You know, it's gonna work.

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