Original subtitles

What do you guys wanna do today?

Yeah!

Upgrade!

Flash and dash!

Completed!

Upgrade!

Shear Shaw.

Completed!

Upgrade!

Swipe and swig!

Made in China? That's where Courtney's at.

Completed.

We're so extra.

I went hard.

This has really been the...

- Most... - Epic...

Hugh?

Hear ye, hear ye, class is in session.

Okay, you guys, today's scintillating subject

just happens to be my fave.

I wait all year to teach this, so without further ado,

let's dive into the fascinating world

of how to correctly annotate a bibliography.

No, wait, stay. Come on, baby.

Don't do this to papa,

not on annotation day.

That's the most action Shaw has seen in years.

Moving onto something less sad,

think me, the first male model

on S.I. Swimsuit "edish."

Now, that's a dish best served wet.

Tell him to just use his stalker photos of you

for his portfolio.

Josh needs variety.

- Otherwise VAPA's gonna pigeonhole him as a-- - Serial killer?

He is a straight white male who lives with his mom.

- Just my type. - I told him to trash those.

Every time we have relations,

it's like I'm having a threesome with myself.

Now, that's a fun visual that I'll never shake.

Hey, I found your nose.

It was in my business.

Next time when you talk about your sex life,

try being a little louder.

I'd be much obliged.

Sorry, but since you made a sex butt about me

you think we're even?

I feel like you don't think we are,

and that scares me.

Okay, we're in business.

All right, so what is annotating?

Annotate-- Oh, no, it's a permanent marker.

Why haven't I been scouted yet?

Snap some glams.

Be more proactive than Julianne Hough.

Does Josh do portraits?

'Cause I officially offer up my carcass.

Josh does need a fresh face.

Uh, uh, that's not normal.

All right, if any of you are seizy, don't look directly at it.

If people aren't taking notice, you make them.

I need to take some tasty snaps to make the scouts take notice.

No offense, Wynn,

I think Josh could use someone with model behavior.

But who's gonna take my picture?

Who could model for Josh?

- Andie, can Josh take my picture? - Will you model for Josh?

My eyes!

Ow!

Okay, good to know that Hugh's alive, but 911?

Now I'm worried.

Hugh never came home last night.

I would've felt him sneak back into bed.

Now for the second edition

of "My Ex's Sex: The Twisted Volume," your cousin?

If you don't like what you hear, stop listening.

I'm trying. I really am.

Wynn, we need to ditch.

Hugh needs us.

Andie, I can't.

Part of my journey to justice

is learning how to antiquate a bubble-ography.

Annotate a bibliography.

Anal play a bippity boppity boo.

- Bibliography. - Barack Obama.

I've got major discomfort over the ditch, Andie.

If we get caught, I'll be cooked.

My moms'll be pissed.

I think Hugh overrides the ditch.

- Wynn! Andie! - Hugh.

I just met the most wonderful girl.

Is this what love is?

I've never, ever, ever felt like this.

This must be what the Tramp felt like

when he shared his spaghetti noodle with his Lady.

This is your S.O.S.? A girl?

Hugh, where have you been?

After you guys left, I was ralphing from Sneak a Sip--

FYI, alcohol makes you ill--

when all of a sudden,

an angel was holding back my hair.

It was a classic meet-cute.

Yeah, that sounds like a meet-gross,

but way to go, cuz.

What's the lucky girl's name?

I was drunk from the alcohol and I can't remember.

FYI, alcohol affects your memory.

All I know is that she's bright, funny,

and we made a date today.

Great. So why'd you call us here?

You don't need a chaperone.

I do.

I've never stayed up

talking into the night with a girl before.

I've never even kissed a girl.

Well, except you, Andie.

I'm sorry, what?

This rug rookie's never even had a girlfriend before.

Well, except you, Andie.

First cousins, was it?

Hugh, you have nothing to worry about.

You're handsome and fun,

and if you like this girl,

I'm sure she's awesome.

And if she's not,

then we'll just make a code word

and I'll cause a distraction.

What's the code word?

What everyone says when they're in trouble--

- Ah, shit. - Ah, shit?

- Ah, shit. - Ah, shit it is.

That's her.

? You've got the touch of love ?

? If I just can't get enough ?

? You've got the touch of love ?

? Can't shake this feeling ?

Ah, shit.

Code word!

Be safe, kiddo.

I'll be back later to pick you up.

If you get nervous, don't call.

The only pussies I like to pet have claws.

- Stay. - No way, JonBen�t.

You'll be great.

How do you want me?

I don't know.

I've never done it with a guy before.

If it makes you feel any better,

I've never done it with someone so... boring before.

Why don't you change into something more comfortable?

Damn, it's more one-hour photo in here than Walmart.

I know. That's the problem, Dakota.

Everyone at VAPA's gonna have a pro portfolio,

If I show up with 800 pictures of Andie,

- I'm gonna look like-- - Jeffrey Dahmer?

Amateur. I really need your help, Dakota.

You bet your flat ass you do.

Real talk-- I thought voguing at the Piercing Pagoda

was my big "Top Model" moment,

but Tyra hasn't hit me up yet.

I get it. You've got a dream,

and now that we're out of high school,

we feel like we've gotta achieve that dream.

What if our dreams are just that?

What if we wind up washed up?

No, that's never gonna happen to you, Dakota.

Okay? 'Cause you are gonna be a huge model

because you're so... you.

Oh, adding sugar to my chocolate.

- Oh... - You'll be a great photographer.

You're so basic and stiff.

I am kind of basic.

Let's do this, Annie Leibovitz.

But be gentle.

I'll try.

Two whisker whiskies, please.

Oh, sure thing, pal.

What are best friends for, right?

Whoa!

Hugh.

Jiminy Cricket, Andie.

You know, when I'm threatened, I armadillo.

'Sup.

Look, Hugh, I pulled you in here

to talk about your mystery girl.

Isn't she pretty?

Yeah, yeah, she is.

It's just I don't think she's your type.

Blood matches don't matter to me.

No, Hugh, I don't think you should hang out with Greer, okay?

I don't want you to get hurt.

Why would she hurt me?

'Cause she hurt me.

Cuz, I'm sure she didn't mean to.

Besides, I can't judge Greer

based off your opinion.

That'd make me no better

than the kids who called me

humongous fungus fart

just because Alec said so.

I appreciate you looking out for me,

but I need to find out who she is for myself.

FYI, guys pee in there.

You've made your choice. I've made mine.

If Hugh is too blinded by the love light,

then it's up to me to protect him.

If he won't take my word,

then we have to show him who Greer really is.

I'm in.

Photography 101.

It's the art of the angle.

Tilt your chin.

Bring your leg up as high as you can.

Turn your neck 90 degrees.

How do I look?

Ow.

Like the 2004 "Vogue" cover.

Iconic.

Onto the next level-- intermediate.

Mouth movement.

You're gonna look more chiseled based off certain words you say,

so try "beluga."

Beloo-ga.

Last level, you ready?

Advanced.

This is all about the subject-to-photographer connection.

Okay, make eye contact with me.

Oh, that's really intense.

Okay, yeah, yes.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Money shot!

Wow, you were great.

No, you were great.

Should we look?

Dang, you really captured my essence,

which I should be on the cover of.

Well, you made it easy.

It's time to execute Exposing Greer.

Yeah, let's see her tits!

What? No, no, not expose her body.

Expose her personality.

I know the types of guys that Greer likes to date--

the three Js,

jocks, jerks, and jabronis.

So why is she crushing on Hugh?

She's obviously using him to get to me.

Hugh is probably holding back his full geekdom from Greer.

If he nerds out,

then Greer won't be able to hold back the bully within.

So I'm supposed to--

Get Hugh to be his Hughiest.

Go draw out that dork. Go.

Hey, Hughbert, did you hear?

J.K. came out with a new Harry Potter.

Wow, I have so many questions.

Do Ron and Hermoine have squid babies?

Does Dumbledore have a husband in the afterlife?

Is Muggle still P.C.?

You like Harry Potter?

Love that boy wizard.

I'm a total Hufflepuff.

- Really? - Yes.

- Me, too. - You're a Puff?

Favorite spell on three...

- One... - Two...

- Three. - Homenum revelio!

Holy Weasley! What? You owe me butter beer.

I am so toasted that I can even admit that I loved it.

I used to have to read the books underneath my bed

because if my little sis' found out,

she would totally fist my uterus.

Really? I have a sister who fists me, too!

Bitch.

Witch is Slytherin, and I'm gonna prove it.

You taking off?

Rubin will be here in a hot minute.

You're taking down Fixler 'cause it's creepy

not 'cause there's trouble in Jandieville, right?

Yeah, totally. No, we're-- we're good.

So good. Like, real good. Like, great.

You're parroting.

What's up, Polly?

Not getting Andie's cracker?

What? Dakota, I am not dating Andie for sex.

What even is sex, you know?

Look, what I'm trying to say

is this is not about sex.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Look, I don't wanna be a douche, Dakota,

but my nuts... full purple.

Relax your plums.

I can't. I'm so pent up.

You need to loosen up, feel free,

like the way you made me feel

when I was in front of the camera.

Time for the photographer

to become the photographee.

No. No, no, no.

I can't. I'm not a model.

You wanna loosen up to get down or not?

Get Loose 101.

Be a ho with what you know.

Catch.

Now, pose like an American football man.

Does this look good?

For you, yeah.

Now, let's with that intermediate level.

Feature your best feature.

Aw, cute, but no. Off with your shirt.

Your saving grace. Yes, muscles.

You're not half bad for a breeder.

Let's terminate all of that last level.

Advanced. Go full on Peter Pan.

Think of a happy thought.

Both of your happy places look the same.

Bet you thought of each other.

You're boring. I'm spent.

Right there.

Ew.

- Did you get it? - Mm-hm.

We need to step up our game and end this charade.

If there's one way to get Greer to show her true colors,

then it's to mess with her man.

She used to tongue down Josh

any time I got close to him.

All you need to do is go flirt with Hugh,

and then Greer will lose her shit,

and Hugh will lose his Greer.

Get my flirt with Hugh on.

I'm getting gooey just thinking about it.

Mm, better.

It's time to get my mac on.

Get out there.

Pew.

Okay.

What's up, Wynn?

- The sky. - Awesome.

Oh!

- Are you okay? - Oh, I fell!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is this hard for you to watch me

petting you man's pecs?

No, Hugh's an attractive guy.

I know he stacks my pancakes.

Is this brutal for you to watch,

me all over your man's hard hammies?

No, Hugh's body's hard, like math.

So I totally get

why anyone would wanna crunch his numbers.

I'm slip sliding all down your man's meat.

Are you sure you're okay with that?

If Hugh's okay with it.

I'm actually pretty uncomfortable.

Anyway, we gotta jet.

He's going to show me a tree. Deuces.

You let them leave?

To our treehouse?

I don't even take Josh up there, and he's my boyfriend.

Yeah, we all think it's super weird

you guys don't bone up there.

Oh.

Hey, maybe Greer likes Hugh for Hugh.

Maybe it's not about you this time.

What? There is no way that's correct.

Not even a little bit.

We're going. I'm taking over.

What's the one thing

that'll make Greer show her true colors,

more than geeks, more than flirting,

more than anything?

Pop quiz? No, thanks.

That stirs up my insides,

and that is not a recipe you wanna eat.

It's-a spicy.

Wynn, I'm telling you the answer.

All I've ever had to do around Greer is just be myself.

For some reason it's always infuriated her.

Once Hugh sees that we can't be around each other,

he'll pick me for sure.

I mean, wouldn't you?

So this is it, the treehouse.

Oh.

This is where we all hang out.

We do the hot mess. It's a list.

Look who's sitting in a tree

plotting against ol' A-N-D-I-E,

sinking you teeth into another Fixler to get to me?

Did it take you a long time to think of that rhyme?

Oh, wait, it's not that hard. Okay, sorry, go on.

Andie, I told you to butt your behind out of my beeswax.

I didn't think I was trading an overprotective sister

for an overprotective cousin.

I'm doing this for your own good, Hugh.

That's exactly what my sister would say.

Then she'd queef in my face.

- Back me up here, Wynn. - No can do.

I think Hugh and Greer were really happy

before you convinced me to mess with them.

I don't think you're doing this for Hugh.

I think you're doing this for you.

Hah, you're not the only one who can rhyme.

Gosh, I don't mean to be harsh,

but stay out of it, Andie.

I did stay out of it when Greer dated Alec

and even that dumb wall of cheese got hurt.

You're a sweet guy, Hugh,

and she's using you to get to me.

Imagine how you'll feel if I let this go on.

Pfft.

She would never use anybody.

Well, I could.

I would. I did... do that.

What the halo are you talking about?

Hugh, I know it's crazy

but I used to be head cheerleader

and, like, super cool.

Oh, my God, spare us.

Let me finish!

I'm really sorry for yelling.

My rep was rocked

and when it went busto,

I clocked that I had nothing

and no one to show for it.

Turns out if you only care what other people think of you,

you stop caring about what you think about yourself.

Being big cheddar in high school

was super crucial,

like I would literally do everything the same,

but now that I'm graduated,

I am super wise and way woke. Okay?

So...

So, Andie,

I owe you an.

What?

An apology.

I owe you an apology.

It turns out I was jealous. I was jealous of you.

You and your friends were tighter than my body freshman year

and I wanted that.

- Wha? - And you obviously never cared

about what anyone thought of you,

Otherwise, you would've dressed better and acted differently.

I mean, am I right?

I was envious of that.

And in a way I wanted to be you.

So, Hugh, I had a really good time tonight,

but I don't wanna cause any more Fixler fam friction,

so I'm gonna jet.

I really hope you figure it out

because I really like him.

I'm gonna go fix my car. I might even give that nice bitch a ride.

Hey, bitch, wait up.

What just happened?

You were being the best cousin ever

and looking out for me.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you about Greer.

That's okay, Hugh.

I know overly controlling family members is a problem for us.

Oh, my God, am I Alec?

The farthest thing from him.

He never would be able to see

that she's changed on the inside

just like I've changed on the outside.

You can. Right, Andie?

You'll give her a second chance, won't you?

'Cause the thing is I really like her.

Give Greer a second chance?

Yikes. She sucks so much.

But you're family and I want you to be happy,

so I promise I'll try my best.

That's all I can ask.

- We... - Are...

the...

? Best, best, best Fixlers ?

? In the West, West, West ?

? We have such fun, fun, fun ?

? Bumping our bums, bums, bums ?

? Let's take a sec, sec, sec ?

? For three quick pecks ?

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

And that's the end.

You're my best, best friend.

- To VAPA. - To New York.

I've had a day, and whatever's going on here,

I don't wanna know.

I'll see myself out and let you two enjoy the juice.

Remember, stay loose, you hunky hetero.

- Oh, stop. - Dakota, wait.

I need my BF and my BFF

before I drop this bomb.

Guess who's dating Hugh?

Josh and Dakota: Who?

Greer.

- Ah, shit. - Ah, shit.

? We too gangsta for TV ?

? That's why you don't see us ?

? But they still wanna be us ?

? But we let 'em ?

? We don't sweat 'em ?

? Let 'em come up ?

? Then we get 'em, ha ha ?

? East side wid it ?

? Got a mag in the glove ?

? Put the dub on the fitty ?

? Put you on a poster gangsta to the bone ?

? Got the hood on my shoulders ?

? Livin' like a fella got my hands on the toaster ?

? Do this for my dawgs in my lowster ?

? Rock city raider real lookin' like I told ya ?

? We too gangsta for TV ?

? That's why you don't see us ?

? But they still wanna be us ?

? Let 'em come up ?

? Then we get 'em, ha ha ?

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